Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Ex using COVID 19 as excuse
#1
Probably like most of you, I am being messed around in regards to contact because of the COVID 19 situation. I have a court order in place for Friday to Sunday overnight ever 2nd weekend. Here’s what happened so far:

On day of lockdown announcement, ex texts me asking if I would be agreeable to stopping contact and once lockdown is all over, she would give me “make up time”. She cites her dad (who she apparently stays with) as a vulnerable person because he has knee problems. (Dad is not vulnerable person and is still going out for daily runs and walks to shops etc so definitely not in vulnerable category - I personally have a family member who is in vulnerable category, has a letter from doctor confirming this and cannot leave the house at all). Ex also says daughter has coronavirus symptoms and needs to self-isolate. I ask what symptoms are - a headache, not one of the symptoms but I play along with it and I agree to pausing contact until daughter waits out 14 day self-isolation period and ask for weekends to be swapped around and ex says she will “consider this as a possibility”. However I make it clear that court order I think should continue.

I ask ex a week later about having daughter in her weekend now as a “make up” time as she is now out of self-isolation period. Ex now claims my daughter is petrified to leave house and has a lot of anxiety and “doesn’t want to be the one who says you can’t see daughter”. She is going back to her old trick of if she can’t get it her way, she manipulates and makes daughter do it. It’s a tactic she has won repeatedly in court, playing the martyr and claiming she can’t control daughter and the truth is daughter is under a ton of pressure from her mother. Ex agrees to sending daughter down for a walk but I haven’t heard anything from her since, despite chasing it. I’ve managed to speak to daughter by FaceTime and she is very anxious and has told me she is stressed and having a lot of migraines. Daughter is aware she can still come down but seems to clam up and seems confused by it all. Daughter blames herself saying she is reading too many news articles online and doesn’t know what to believe.

I’m of the opinion that my ex is stressing my daughter out. I can’t do much right now but would all of this be considered a breach? It’s convenient ex states her opinion first, then tries to absolve herself and blame it on my daughter. Her dad as an excuse is pathetic and I don’t want to be a pr*** and ask for proof that he’s vulnerable but I also do want to to catch her out. Also - how can I go about speaking to my daughter’s doctor once this all cools down? Daughter is having a lot of migraines even before this all started and it’s related to stress from her mum. Her mother is still having every Tom, Dick and Harry in the house as well, including family members and friends who don’t stay local.
Reply
#2
Hi Markey, more or less the same with me mate , except no face time as her phones not working ! Its mental torture at a time when things are rough enough . My child us only 4 so sounds younger than yours but I'm so afraid this will harm the relationship we've got as this is likely to go on for quite sometime yet . I know it's best she stays in one place for the time being , even tho like your ex , she is throwing all sorts of excuses , but I'm concerned as to when I will see my child again as she has said only when she deems it safe will she allow me to have her here with me . We've a shared care order . Best of luck to all of us going through this type of thing , I think the courts are going to be very busy in the next few months .
Reply
#3
If your daughter has had the virus she is not really a risk to you or anyone else - and ex's Father will already have been at risk from daughter! The difficulty is they are not doing testing to see if you've had it yet. So you don't know if she's had it or if it was just something else.

It's a weird situation and some people have genuine concerns but some ex's do manipulate it - mine is too. I am not having contact with my son - because I am self isolating. Ex said she is happy to have him during this situation (too right!). I am getting video calls but not sure how reliable that is going to be. But I have said I want to keep communicating on the situation regularly as things can change, and at some point it could be good for son to come here - eg if they roll out antibody tests and he is shown to have antibodies and had it then he can't pass it. On the other hand ex is still going to work so it can be passed on by contaminated objects and clothing.

I would try and keep polite communication open and say you think for now it would be better for daughter to stay in one place but it would be good to know if daughter has had it or not and at some point if she can be tested as having had it then there is no risk to her moving between homes.

It is a really difficult situation - if everyone wants to stay safe then kids staying in one home makes sense - judicial advice says if for some reason, one parent makes a unilateral decision to keep them then they must allow regular video, facetime, Skype, Zoom etc.

It wouldn't be considered a breach due to the judicial decision - linked below. Some ex's will manipulate the situation. Mine is. As soon as she heard I was high risk she suddenly claimed to be working for the NHS in a hospital. A new job. No idea if it is true or not but I have my suspicions. To be honest though, even if she wasn't it would still be high risk for me to have son coming here because she could be out doing any job and not staying at home.

If both parents/families are working from home and taking all precautions then there's no reason why a child shouldn't go back and forth really. But that takes trust which many of us don't have with ex's.At least yours is offering to make up the time afterwards. I feel rubbish that my son is basically trapped there at his Mum's house and can't come here. But it was my decision - a hard one to make. I want to make sure I'm alive when this is all over to be able to be a Dad to him long term and be there.

If you're not high risk you may feel differently. I would just reply politely that you realise both families need to take precautions in this situation, and you will agree for the next couple of weeks, that daughter should stay with ex on the basis that daughter has video calls with you every Monday and Friday (eg) and then review the situation. Inform her what your current circumstances are - eg working, working from home and any other precautions your taking and ask her to also confirm her current situation - ie whether they are self isolating or if ex is working from home. And say review the situation in a couple of weeks but ongoing you feel it may be possible for daughter to spend longer periods in each home, like a holiday schedule, if both parents take precautions.

If you then don't get good or regular video contact I would think about enforcing - or even a specific issues application.

(04-10-2020, 11:51 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: If your daughter has had the virus she is not really a risk to you or anyone else - and ex's Father will already have been at risk from daughter!  The difficulty is they are not doing testing to see if you've had it yet.  So you don't know if she's had it or if it was just something else.

It's a weird situation and some people have genuine concerns but some ex's do manipulate it - mine is too.  I am not having contact with my son - because I am self isolating.  Ex said she is happy to have him during this situation (too right!).  I am getting video calls but not sure how reliable that is going to be.  But I have said I want to keep communicating on the situation regularly as things can change, and at some point it could be good for son to come here - eg if they roll out antibody tests and he is shown to have antibodies and had it then he can't pass it.  On the other hand ex is still going to work so it can be passed on by contaminated objects and clothing.

I would try and keep polite communication open and say you think for now it would be better for daughter to stay in one place but it would be good to know if daughter has had it or not and at some point if she can be tested as having had it then there is no risk to her moving between homes.

It is a really difficult situation - if everyone wants to stay safe then kids staying in one home makes sense - judicial advice says if for some reason, one parent makes a unilateral decision to keep them then they must allow regular video, facetime, Skype, Zoom etc.

It wouldn't be considered a breach due to the judicial decision - linked below.  Some ex's will manipulate the situation.  Mine is.  As soon as she heard I was high risk she suddenly claimed to be working for the NHS in a hospital.  A new job.  No idea if it is true or not but I have my suspicions.  To be honest though, even if she wasn't it would still be high risk for me to have son coming here because she could be out doing any job and not staying at home.

If both parents/families are working from home and taking all precautions then there's no reason why a child shouldn't go back and forth really.  But that takes trust which many of us don't have with ex's.At least yours is offering to make up the time afterwards.  I feel rubbish that my son is basically trapped there at his Mum's house and can't come here.  But it was my decision - a hard one to make.  I want to make sure I'm alive when this is all over to be able to be a Dad to him long term and be there.

If you're not high risk you may feel differently.  I would just reply politely that you realise both families need to take precautions in this situation, and you will agree for the next couple of weeks, that daughter should stay with ex on the basis that daughter has video calls with you every Monday and Friday (eg) and then review the situation.  Inform her what your current circumstances are - eg working, working from home and any other precautions your taking and ask her to also confirm her current situation - ie whether they are self isolating or if ex is working from home.  And say review the situation in a couple of weeks but ongoing you feel it may be possible for daughter to spend longer periods in each home, like a holiday schedule, if both parents take precautions.

If you then don't get good or regular video contact I would think about enforcing - or even a specific issues application.

https://www.judiciary.uk/announcements/c...nt-orders/
Reply
#4
(04-10-2020, 11:51 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: If your daughter has had the virus she is not really a risk to you or anyone else - and ex's Father will already have been at risk from daughter!  The difficulty is they are not doing testing to see if you've had it yet.  So you don't know if she's had it or if it was just something else.

It's a weird situation and some people have genuine concerns but some ex's do manipulate it - mine is too.  I am not having contact with my son - because I am self isolating.  Ex said she is happy to have him during this situation (too right!).  I am getting video calls but not sure how reliable that is going to be.  But I have said I want to keep communicating on the situation regularly as things can change, and at some point it could be good for son to come here - eg if they roll out antibody tests and he is shown to have antibodies and had it then he can't pass it.  On the other hand ex is still going to work so it can be passed on by contaminated objects and clothing.

I would try and keep polite communication open and say you think for now it would be better for daughter to stay in one place but it would be good to know if daughter has had it or not and at some point if she can be tested as having had it then there is no risk to her moving between homes.

It is a really difficult situation - if everyone wants to stay safe then kids staying in one home makes sense - judicial advice says if for some reason, one parent makes a unilateral decision to keep them then they must allow regular video, facetime, Skype, Zoom etc.

It wouldn't be considered a breach due to the judicial decision - linked below.  Some ex's will manipulate the situation.  Mine is.  As soon as she heard I was high risk she suddenly claimed to be working for the NHS in a hospital.  A new job.  No idea if it is true or not but I have my suspicions.  To be honest though, even if she wasn't it would still be high risk for me to have son coming here because she could be out doing any job and not staying at home.

If both parents/families are working from home and taking all precautions then there's no reason why a child shouldn't go back and forth really.  But that takes trust which many of us don't have with ex's.At least yours is offering to make up the time afterwards.  I feel rubbish that my son is basically trapped there at his Mum's house and can't come here.  But it was my decision - a hard one to make.  I want to make sure I'm alive when this is all over to be able to be a Dad to him long term and be there.

If you're not high risk you may feel differently.  I would just reply politely that you realise both families need to take precautions in this situation, and you will agree for the next couple of weeks, that daughter should stay with ex on the basis that daughter has video calls with you every Monday and Friday (eg) and then review the situation.  Inform her what your current circumstances are - eg working, working from home and any other precautions your taking and ask her to also confirm her current situation - ie whether they are self isolating or if ex is working from home.  And say review the situation in a couple of weeks but ongoing you feel it may be possible for daughter to spend longer periods in each home, like a holiday schedule, if both parents take precautions.

If you then don't get good or regular video contact I would think about enforcing - or even a specific issues application.

(04-10-2020, 11:51 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: If your daughter has had the virus she is not really a risk to you or anyone else - and ex's Father will already have been at risk from daughter!  The difficulty is they are not doing testing to see if you've had it yet.  So you don't know if she's had it or if it was just something else.

It's a weird situation and some people have genuine concerns but some ex's do manipulate it - mine is too.  I am not having contact with my son - because I am self isolating.  Ex said she is happy to have him during this situation (too right!).  I am getting video calls but not sure how reliable that is going to be.  But I have said I want to keep communicating on the situation regularly as things can change, and at some point it could be good for son to come here - eg if they roll out antibody tests and he is shown to have antibodies and had it then he can't pass it.  On the other hand ex is still going to work so it can be passed on by contaminated objects and clothing.

I would try and keep polite communication open and say you think for now it would be better for daughter to stay in one place but it would be good to know if daughter has had it or not and at some point if she can be tested as having had it then there is no risk to her moving between homes.

It is a really difficult situation - if everyone wants to stay safe then kids staying in one home makes sense - judicial advice says if for some reason, one parent makes a unilateral decision to keep them then they must allow regular video, facetime, Skype, Zoom etc.

It wouldn't be considered a breach due to the judicial decision - linked below.  Some ex's will manipulate the situation.  Mine is.  As soon as she heard I was high risk she suddenly claimed to be working for the NHS in a hospital.  A new job.  No idea if it is true or not but I have my suspicions.  To be honest though, even if she wasn't it would still be high risk for me to have son coming here because she could be out doing any job and not staying at home.

If both parents/families are working from home and taking all precautions then there's no reason why a child shouldn't go back and forth really.  But that takes trust which many of us don't have with ex's.At least yours is offering to make up the time afterwards.  I feel rubbish that my son is basically trapped there at his Mum's house and can't come here.  But it was my decision - a hard one to make.  I want to make sure I'm alive when this is all over to be able to be a Dad to him long term and be there.

If you're not high risk you may feel differently.  I would just reply politely that you realise both families need to take precautions in this situation, and you will agree for the next couple of weeks, that daughter should stay with ex on the basis that daughter has video calls with you every Monday and Friday (eg) and then review the situation.  Inform her what your current circumstances are - eg working, working from home and any other precautions your taking and ask her to also confirm her current situation - ie whether they are self isolating or if ex is working from home.  And say review the situation in a couple of weeks but ongoing you feel it may be possible for daughter to spend longer periods in each home, like a holiday schedule, if both parents take precautions.

If you then don't get good or regular video contact I would think about enforcing - or even a specific issues application.

https://www.judiciary.uk/announcements/c...nt-orders/

Hi Charlie, first of all, I hope you’re keeping well and stay safe. Your health is the most important thing here and I hope this is over soon for your sake and you can see your son again soon.

In regards to my ex, yes she is offering make up time but hasn't specified details. I can categorically say she will not give me this and will end up saying daughter doesn’t want make up time - it’s all a ploy to look good to say she tried but daughter ultimately didn’t want to go and doesn’t want make-up time with me. I have more chance of winning the Euromillions jackpot than her giving up “her time” to me.

I am getting some video contact but it’s very sparse and less that once a week. In the normal court order, I am meant to get a regular FaceTime once a week anyways. So that side of things, the court order is very slightly being adhered if that makes sense. The court order, with or without this virus, is well and truly pissed all over by my ex because she knows how much she can manipulate my daughter behind the scenes and get her to say what she wants then play the martyr in court and I end up looking like the arsehole because I just apparently can’t accept my daughter is a teenager and doesn’t want to see me much and should be able to do as she wants. I’m not strict in any way but since when do 13 year olds get to do what they want. Parents who are together don’t let 13 year olds do what they apparently want so why is it okay for 13 year olds with separated parents? Besides, my daughter isn’t actually doing what she wants, she’s doing what her mother wants and it’s so so damaging.

It’s amazing what these exes will claim. Ex will say her dad is vulnerable (he isn’t - he’s had a few operations on his knee) one minute and then claim she is a key worker as a classroom assistant. My wife works in education for the same local authority and knows for definite that my ex is not working (ex is on supply and majority of supply workers have been laid off). My ex said she would get my daughter to come over for a walk with the dog in a few days but she said this over a week ago and I’ve been politely chasing her since to no reply. Meant to have my daughter from 7pm tonight and heard nothing. It’s all games and “maybes” and grey areas. It’s never black and white with her.

The fact remains is my daughter stays 10 minutes up the road, ex and her household aren’t working and my wife and I are working from home. No reason for daughter not to come down. Ex realises this and is really trying to make out that my daughter is so anxious and doesn’t want to attend. Daughter is anxious but not about attending. I’m in the exact same boat as you and feel so sorry for my daughter being stuck with my ex all the time. In fact, my daughter has told me via snapchat that she is getting migraines almost constantly now and I’m seriously concerned for her health because she seems to get migraines mostly from her mum giving her hassle. I’ve gotten advice and going to try and get a face to face appointment with daughter’s doctor once lockdown is over. Unfortunately in Scotland, daughter can technically not allow me access to her medical records but I’m not so much bothered about accessing her health records as I am speaking to her GP to give them some light on the matter. I feel that my daughter needs to be able to go to GP appointments without her mum in the room so doctor can have a better chat with her and build that trust/relationship.
Reply
#5
Ok so if they're at home and you're working from home there is no reason why she can't move between homes. Ex is suggested that she/her Dad are at risk of catching it from you if daughter comes. Yeah I know some people would genuinely have fear of getting it and others would take advantage of the situation. It sounds like your ex has decided that daughter is staying there until this is over and "offering" you time to make up later. Thing is if you go out to the supermarket ex would still see that as a risk and it's hard to get online deliveries right now. If you are doing online deliveries then that would add to the argument that its safe at your house. Don't know how much news your daughter sees but I know some kids were quite scared when the fourteen year old boy died recently. I would keep trying to agree something reasonable. If you can agree something then daughter might not feel so anxious about the video calls and you can explain to her that this is a short term arrangement due to the virus or whatever. How about.

"Dear Ex

We are both working from home and practising safe precautions regarding the virus, getting food delivered and not going out. If in two weeks time neither of us has had symptoms then it is safe to say we are not infectious and there is no reason daughter can't visit. I accept you have some concerns and hope this reassures any concerns, but feel it is important daughter does not go a long time without seeing me when it is safe to do so and that it is in her interests to see both parents. I suggest therefore, a short term variation whereby daughter comes to stay for a full week once a month and has a facetime call with me once a week in between, thereby spending most of the time with you and a longer period with me. Please confirm if you agree to this. The courts are still operating during the pandemic but I would prefer to agree something reasonable between us. I am concerned that not seeing her Father for an extended period of time will cause her anxiety and feel it is safe for her to move between homes."

Having said that, you need to think about whether you or your wife are at risk. Diabetes and asthma or any chest or heart condition are high risk. But then if she spent 3 weeks with ex and 1 week with you, then you would know if they all went down with it before daughter came. I reckon she doesn't want daughter coming in case you all go down with it when she's there and then daughter would have to stay with you and self isolate. A lot of people are scared the other parent will keep the kid and say they're self isolating. But that's stupid as it's only two weeks for self isolation.

If you look at that judicial decision though, if one parent decides to keep the child from coming there isn't much you can do about it but if they don't allow regular online and video contact then there maybe is something you can do. I went through that thought process - although I've agreed my son stays there (which is incredibly hard), if I had difficult getting regular video calls and went to court for them, it's still difficult to make it happen. But then if it didn't happen you could enforce and say daughter should stay with you for the duration and have video calls with her Mum. I then thought - how likely are they to do that? It's a xxxx situation.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Covid 19 Shenanigans RD84 10 963 05-22-2020, 02:28 PM
Last Post: Chi21965
  CAFCASS-Covid-19-Advice for families on effective co-parenting and child arrangements JamW 0 551 03-22-2020, 05:38 PM
Last Post: JamW



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)