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Packin it in.
#1
Hello

I am seriously thinking about packing it in.

The moment the court order was issued last Sept 2019 and since I have had
- a car set on fire
- threatening phone calls
- my house windows and cameras smashed five times.

the police can't even prosecute.

I feel everything is against me. The courts are against me with their tedious lengthy periods and the heavy favour they give to the mother, the mother along with their criminals are against me, the family law system can't help me so the law is against me. I can't afford to sustain these damages to my property, I can't afford to spend £k's on solicitors (so went as LIP, without a solicitor).

the ex sends these emails as a puppet for someone else, so obvious to cause even more problems.

Does this look like it is going to be a good journey? I've been on this journey since Sept 2018 and things just don't seem to be getting better. It's taking over my life, freedom lost.

Sad life. I picked the wrong person to marry, picked the wrong family.

The longer I stay with this the more it will consume me. I don't want that.

So much for exercising civil rights eh? depends who your opponent is.......
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#2
well if you did pack it in, you are actually giving your opponents just what they wanted. Dont do that for yourself and for your children, you do owe it to them.

As for the vandalism and threatening calls and such, you would have to deal with it the way you feel fit, but unfortunately we have to work within this system. The journey is slow and painful but losing heart is the last thing you want to do.
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#3
Can I ask you a question?

You put your children on this planet fully expecting to raise them didn't you? Who then has the right to take that away from you? Not a court, they will only do it if your life is in drink, drugs, neglectful, violent or you're a kiddie fiddler. And - in case you didn't know - the courts prefer to resolve that behaviour through courses and support. Only the last will guarantee you the loss of your kids. So who has then has the right to intefere in your relationship with your children? No, not your ex, the child has the right to both parents. Not aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends. No one.

I've had the same interference you've had *before* I split with my ex and a great deal more since.

4 years. No holiday. No new clothes apart from a few t-shirts. A McJob I could do in my sleep snd which pays (literally) 1/10 of my salary as it was 15 years ago. It would be better to give up.

..... Except... I'm not having my children exposed to the poisonous one-sided upbringing that they would have if I was out of the picture. They might look happy, they might seem happy. But with no father around they'll pay. Not now maybe but later, maybe about the time they're sixth-formers and their exams go down the pan for lack of encouragement, when they have teen angst over body image and their mother doesn't know how to have that conversation with them, when they start hanging out with the wrong crowd, can't form proper relationships with the opposite sex or maybe in their 20s at which point most people's serious mental health problems manifest. And I mean life-changing ones like bipolar. That's not all chemical - some of it comes from life-experiences. How about if lack of a father expressed itself in unplanned pregnancy or use of drink or drugs excessively as the research suggests.

I started with a question so I'll end with one. What price are you willing to pay for your children to have a chance at life? Would you really be prepared to jack it in now and what leave if what say 5, maybe 10 years till they can think for themselves? Until one day you get a knock at the door and it's one of your children out of the blue - just one - because maybe the others figure you couldn't be ar*ed about them so forget you! And after their minds have been poisoned beyond all recovery - whilst they may not say it - they'll be thinking, "we used to have good times, I wonder why dad gave up on us."

Finding yourself in a fight on the street and calculating the other dude would willingly kill you, would you stay down if you got knocked down?

It's nearly 4 in the morning and I've got a full week but I needed to reply. You need a break, some head room, to gather your thoughts and figure a way to fight on. You should think about a holiday, even if it's only a camper by a lake. Then you need to regroup with a strategy. The first part of which is dumping your solicitor. There may come a time when you need a barrister in court but the best advocate for your children is you. You're paying through the nose for nothing.
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#4
Chi21965, this is brilliant and thanks for laying it open for us the fathers...those were exactly my thoughts but you did articulate and how.
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#5
Thanks Sean. I went on and it wasn't well written but I think the main thought is there.

How we raise our children is *our* business. We didn't give up our rights to fatherhood when we split from our exes. We're not 'baby daddies', 'baby fathers' or any any one of a million ways people think to describe us. We're fathers. Dads. Relationships and marriages end for all kinds of reasons and perhaps courts should start coming down hard on those who think because they've split they can behave how they want without a single thought towards how the children feel or the impact on them.
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#6
Chi , that was brilliantly written, spot on and straight from the heart. Truly it has inspired and encouraged me at a time when I'm feeling so low. You are so right and we should never give up , ever ! Thanks
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#7
Very very well put Chi and an excellent reply .

It is so often a hard and lonely road being a dad with Ex's who seemingly cannot accept children have to significant input to both parents being in their lives ..... even for those of us lucky enough to have great support from family and friends.

Until a fundemental change is brought in to Family Law to which at the point of separation that providing there no proven safe guarding issues, children would have the right to spend 50% of the time with each parent, then the system will be weak and massively 'played' by those trying anyway possible to reduce either too as little as possible or nothing a Dad's right to being a parent.

As you have done Chi its about time there was some straight talking and acceptance of the fundemental principles instead of the system almost suggesting we should be grateful for what we get and sitting the mother on a pedestal.
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#8
Well said Chi. And for what is worth Birmingham I think a lot of us have considered walking away. I know I have, and sometimes still do when ex acts up, but mustn't give up. Even sometimes I get sad that I see son so seldom, every 2 weeks feels like eternity at times, but at least they grow up knowing that dad is only a phone call away and here for love, support, fun etc and dont have to wonder where their dad is and why he doesnt care. If you have extended family and your child will be able to bond with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles etc too that will also be incredible valuable for your child. Not to mention all the different places, experiences and activities they will experience with you that they wont with ex. Why should the kids lose out on all that because their mother is selfish?

But yes unfortunately this is the system. It is incredibly slow and unfair, and I absolutely agree it should be automatic starting point for negotiations that each parent has 50% of time with child. Im all for equality but a lot of the modern feminism seems more about pushing men down and claiming dads are not as important as mothers, when statistics show exactly what Chi said, children are more likely to get in problems with the law, have identity or confidence issues, anxiety etc when they grow up without dads, so why aren't children guaranteed time with their dads? Another thing that is critical in my opinion is consequences for false allegations. If fathers automatically get 50%, some of these mothers would probably go even harder on the accusations to get that time down , however, in my opinion the reason many of them do it is simply because they know they get away with it. If there were harsh penalties I believe a high percentage wouldn't risk it, or at very least minimise their allegations, and fathers and children wouldn't have to go through all that stress, anxiety and lose time together. It would ease up the burden on the courts AND on social services and cafcass to not have thousands of cases wasting their time as there are 0 actual welfare concerns. This would also speed up the process and not having to wait months in between hearings and with some changes to cafcass/SS system that could be much better quality too. But this would mean less job opportunities for barristers, judges, solicitors and social workers so it seems its a cash cow to make the system go round. Anyway, not sure when any of this if ever, will happen, is anyone aware if this is even on the agenda somewhere and up for discussion or vote anywhere? Regardless, you should go after your kids. Stay polite and calm and put kids first and just wait. And yes, sack your solicitor straight away. And check ur bill! One of mine tried to charge twice for the same things !!

"the system almost suggesting we should be grateful for what we get and sitting the mother on a pedestal."

Exactly this high peak!!
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#9
Thank you High Peak and Tigre.

And, I see you know (inside out) the game we have been forced to play. This whole merry-go-round of false allegations of domestic violence, controlling and coercive behaviour and so on ad infinitum. It seems most of have been threatened with/have had hanging over us at some point 'supervised contact' or 'fact finding hearings', that's before you rightly say we get to CAFCASS, social services, barristers and solicitors getting paid to turn out reports /talk nonsense instead of cutting to the chase.

It breaks my heart to think back to something I read on this site years ago. The fact that you spend your child's whole life seeing them every day, coming home to them and then suddenly all that is snatched away from you in a heartbeat. Then it's a quick detour via a first hearing to seeing your kids only once every two weeks...

But yes in some jurisdictions the minute you get to court the assumption is that parents have a straight 50/50 split. So yes let's adopt that and on the lines of false allegations, yes Tigre we'll make it simple. You can make all the alllegations you want, but they *must* be heard to a criminal standard and if the court suspects you of lying, the court is *legally obliged* to report you to the Crown Prosecution Service for potential perjury charges. That'll take care of that nonsense.
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#10
(06-22-2020, 07:08 PM)Chi21965 Wrote: You can make all the alllegations you want, but they *must* be heard to a criminal standard and if the court suspects you of lying, the court is *legally obliged* to report you to the Crown Prosecution Service for potential perjury charges. That'll take care of that nonsense.

  Nail on head .......
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