Resisting the Temptation to Compete With Your Ex

When you have been used to seeing your child everyday and that is taken away from you, you are left with a huge void in your life. You may worry that your child won’t remember you, will resent you or be influenced by your ex. Because of this you may feel the need to start competing with your ex. It may also be a way to get back at her for taking your child away. Whatever the reason is, it is not healthy for you or your child and you need to change your behaviour.

Why Do You Want to Compete?

The two main reasons why you feel the need to compete with your ex are to get back at her and make your child love you. Although it may not feel like it all the time, your child already loves you and you do not need to compete for their attention. Also, using this behaviour to get back at your ex will only misfire as it outs them in a stronger position to counteract your behaviour as they are with your child more often.

What Are Common Ways of Competing?

There are a number of common ways that you may feel the need to compete with your ex. The main one is by buying your child presents, toys, days out – whatever you choose to try and get them to see you as the ‘favourite’. Another way may be to be more lenient with them – letting them stay up late, overlooking bad behaviour or letting them eat what they want.

What Effect Does it Have on Children?

Competing with your ex only has a negative effect on your child. They are already in an unfamiliar situation and your change in behaviour will only confuse them even more. They need structure and routine to feel secure – not lots of new toys or lax boundaries. They are also much more likely to act up or play you off your ex for attention as they see that this is something that you are willing to do and they want to please you.

What Can You Do Instead?

Instead of trying to compete with your ex you need to work together with her. It may be difficult, but you want to present a united front, reinforcing boundaries and showing that you respect each other. Your child wants to know that life is still the same and that they can feel happy and safe. Show them your love by spending time with them, listening to them and being concerned about their wellbeing rather than trying to prove you are the better parent in other ways.

However tempting it may be to compete with your ex to be the ‘favourite’ parent it's not good for you or your child. You need to be working with your ex, not against her and concentrate on the happiness and security of your children. You cannot replace time and love with material possessions or a lack of structure. Your children still love you and the best thing you can do is be a good parent to them.

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