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Forum Rules and Code of Conduct

By: Clare Birtles - Updated: 18 Apr 2018 | comments*Discuss
 
Forum Code Of Conduct Forum Rules

We hope that members will find support, advice, humour and friendly conversation here. To ensure that happens smoothly, we have created a brief code of conduct for members. It's not long and rambling, so please take time to read it, before posting.

Separated Dads Forum Code of Conduct

(1) Language/Defamatory Remarks

Do not post anything that could be construed as racist, homophobic, sexist, harassment, pornographic or abusive.

Anybody can read this forum, so please do not use sexually explicit language or swear words

(2) Personal Information

Please do not use names in your posts (e.g. those of spouses, professionals, ex partners, children etc); you may be putting other people and yourself at risk by doing so. If you have an ongoing court case or dispute, anything you say that identifies you or other the parties may also be prejudicial to the process and might influence your desired outcome. Our moderators will remove or edit posts deemed to identify a person or their children.

(3) Personal Attacks

Do not make personal attacks on other forum members.

If another discussion member makes a personal/abusive remark directed at you, do not respond with a similar attack of your own. Contact the administrator or a moderator.

(4) Links/Self Advertising

Posts will be removed if we feel a link or comment has been posted as a means of self advertising, self promotion, or which we consider to be spam.

Only post links/urls which are on topic and of use to other forum members.

(5) Discussion Topics

Only post a thread once, under the appropriate forum topic. Duplicate threads will be removed. Please keep discussions on topic. If you want to talk about something that is not relevant to the current thread, create a new one.

Take me to The Separated Dads Forum

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
[Add a Comment]
concerned nan - Your Question:
Hi im in desperate need of help my son has 2 children and has been having his children every weekend for last couple of years the mum had another relationship there has been issues with her not taking kids to school not providing enough food her son molesting on of the other children plus other issues over last 2 years children have been on high risk level 4 with no changes anyway we had a meeting with social services last tuesday for updates as my son rang to pick his kids friday as usual had no answer all weekend so contacted social services to express concerns only to be told they have moved her and her 6 children to refuge due to domestic violence issues with her ex partner my son is absolutly devastated whats his rights on protecting his children and seeing them we have another emergency meeting monday with social services we dont know were we stand can any one please help we are very desperate for a life line here

Our Response:
Hopefully, once the child's mother has recovered from her ordeal your son's access will get back on track. The best option your son has is to try to support his ex and his kids in this situation and be on hand for any meetings with social services. This will help to see where he can best help out. It's not as though access is being refused to him, it's purely that his children's mother has found herself in a difficult situation. Your son will have a recourse to apply to court for a child arrangement order if his ex refuses access, please see link here . It seems in this case a bit of patience and support may work better in this particular case, unless of course he wishes to apply for residency through the courts. If so, then he may wish to seek some legal advice.
SeparatedDads - 19-Apr-18 @ 2:13 PM
hi im in desperate need of help my son has 2 children and has been having his children every weekend for last couple of yearsthe mum had another relationship there has been issues with her not taking kids to school not providing enough food her son molesting on of the other children plus other issues over last 2 years children have been on high risk level 4 with no changes anyway we had a meeting with social services last tuesday for updates as my son rang to pick his kids friday as usual had no answer all weekend so contacted social services to express concerns only to be told they have moved her and her 6 children to refuge due to domestic violence issues with her ex partner my son is absolutly devastated whats his rights on protecting his children and seeing them we have another emergency meeting monday with social services we dont know were we stand can any one please help we are very desperate for a life line here
concerned nan - 17-Apr-18 @ 3:14 PM
Jupiter111 - Your Question:
Hi,My son no longer wants to be with his wife but is in despair as to where he will stand with the children and finances. He is worried that he will not be allowed to see his children and that his wife will make any visits under her terms.They have a mortgage, would he have to pay all of the monthly payment, and the council tax, bills etc, she does not work as the children are young, would she have to claim benefit to live. We just don't know where he will stand on any of this and don't know where else to look for advice.Thank you

Our Response:
The CAB link here gives a full and comprehensive answer to your question. In addition, yes your son would have to pay child maintenance and towards the mortgage as he is contracted to pay. Yes, his wife should receive benefits such as universal credit if she is the primary carer of the children. Mediation is a good thing to consider prior to leaving as it can help sort out finances and child access, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 17-Apr-18 @ 12:40 PM
Hi, My son no longer wants to be with his wife but is in despair as to where he will stand with the children and finances.He is worried that he will not be allowed to see his children and that his wife will make any visits under her terms. They have a mortgage, would he have to pay all of the monthly payment, and the council tax, bills etc, she does not work as the children are young, would she have to claim benefit to live.We just don't know where he will stand on any of this and don't know where else to look for advice. Thank you
Jupiter111 - 16-Apr-18 @ 9:49 PM
NSC - Your Question:
Hello,Just recently divorced after 5 years separation. My ex now wishes to take me to court. Can anyone recommend a lawyer in the Guildford area that specialises in Single Dads representation?

Our Response:
Before an application to court will be permitted, you and your ex may have to consider mediation first. Please see link here. We cannot recommend solicitors directly. You may wish to get more advise via the Separated Dads Forum.
SeparatedDads - 5-Apr-18 @ 1:48 PM
Hello, Just recently divorced after 5 years separation. My ex now wishes to take me to court. Can anyone recommend a lawyer in the Guildford area that specialises in Single Dads representation?
NSC - 1-Apr-18 @ 11:22 AM
Ren - Your Question:
Hi. just would like to know if its unreasonable of me to ask my ex to have the children for 1 weekend of the year. I have the boys every weekend from Friday after school til they go back to school on a Monday however one weekend I will not be able to have them and have given my ex 4 months notice of when I can't have them and it seems to be a big issue. I'd like your comments please.

Our Response:
Much depends whether you have a court order in place or not, please see link here . If you don't have a court order in place, then you would have to agree mutually, or perhaps suggest mediation to your ex as a way to resolve such issues, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 22-Mar-18 @ 10:04 AM
hi. just would like to know if its unreasonable of me to ask my ex to have the children for 1 weekend of the year. I have the boys every weekend from Friday after school til they go back to school on aMonday however one weekend I will not be able to have them and have given my ex 4 months notice of when I can't have them and it seems to be a big issue . i'd like your comments please.
Ren - 21-Mar-18 @ 4:28 PM
Jamalsjos - Your Question:
Hi, I have been separated for a year and I am going through a really tough divorce, I have two boys age 8 & 5 who I miss terribly, I have a court arrangement to see my boys Tuesday over night and every other weekend but I would like to see the more, my wife never lets me look after them when she needs a sitter and uses her elderly unwell parents both in there 80s. I have had to block my wife from all electrical divices as she bombards me with abusive messages. I am worn out and missing my boys like crazy. Any advice or tips would be appreciated

Our Response:
Unfortunately, if you have a court order for access you have to keep to the terms of the court order.
SeparatedDads - 19-Mar-18 @ 1:54 PM
Hi, I have been separated for a year and I am going through a really tough divorce, I have two boys age 8 & 5 who I miss terribly, I have a court arrangement to see my boys Tuesday over night and every other weekend but I would like to see the more, my wife never lets me look after them when she needs a sitter and uses her elderly unwell parents both in there 80s. I have had to block my wife from all electrical divices as she bombards me with abusive messages. I am worn out and missing my boys like crazy. Any advice or tips would be appreciated
Jamalsjos - 17-Mar-18 @ 9:04 PM
DC82 - Your Question:
Hi, I am wondering what my rights are with regards to access to my two children. Currently I see my 2 year old and 6 month year old on a fortnightly basis for three hours on a Sunday. I have requested to see them more to their mother as I feel three hours a fortnight is too little an amount of time to see them. I spend the three hours at the home of my ex with the children. Ideally I would like to see them at least once an evening every week, and more time on the alternate weekends. I pay more maintenance than I currently need to.I would like help with what I can expect is a reasonable enough time to be able to spend with the children. And also whether I can actually have rights to take the children out on my own.

Our Response:
If your ex refuses to negotiate, then you would have to suggest mediation. If your ex still refuses, then you would have to apply to court. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the children in question. The court will always put the children’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. The courts do wish non-resident parents to have relationships their children and will do all it can to make this happen. You may wish to mention to your ex that you are OK for a time with this arrangement, but you wish to see it moving in a direction where you can have a proper relationship with your children and if she will not consider mediation you will apply to court. You do not have to do this with any malice. If you do not currently have parental responsibility (ie registered on the birth certificate) you can also apply for this via the courts.
SeparatedDads - 5-Mar-18 @ 11:07 AM
Hi, I am wondering what my rights are with regards to access to my two children. Currently I see my 2 year old and 6 month year old on a fortnightly basis for three hours on a Sunday. I have requested to see them more to their mother as I feel three hours a fortnight is too little an amount of time to see them. I spend the three hours at the home of my ex with the children. Ideally I would like to see them at least once an evening every week, and more time on the alternate weekends. I pay more maintenance than I currently need to. I would like help with what I can expect is a reasonable enough time to be able to spend with the children. And also whether I can actually have rights to take the children out on my own.
DC82 - 4-Mar-18 @ 1:32 PM
Me and my ex separate almost 5 years ago and we have a daughter (7) and a son(6). Its been a hard 5years with alot of issues mainly jealousy from her side. We both have new partners. Ive been with my now girlfriend 4years. She on the otherhand has been with many new guys, all moving in and out constantly and has been with her new bloke around 2months, hes moved in with her, engaged and i now find out they are trying for a baby. I have no problem with her having another child if thats what she wants but the timing is totally wrong. She lives in a very small 2bed flat. Shes always complaining that they have been bad etc and now the thought of a baby on the scene i feel my two will not be priority and they will be effected. I work full time but see them at least 2 evenings a week for several hours after work and 1 night/day every weekend plus paying her a fair amount of money. She doesn't work at all. So she takes them to school and picks them up and thats all she has to do. But their flat is always a mess, there dirty (according to my children, 'mummy' forgets to bath us, teeth don't get cleaned) i heard my daughter telling her nanny (my mother) when asked by her nanny, mummy always forgets to bath us, wash us, clean teeth. We only do this at daddy's when we stay. Its heartbreaking. When i mention any concerns to her i get shouted at and made to feel its all my fault and tend to walk away to avoid argument. Keeping your children clean is surely no1 priority for any parent. I basically don't trust her. So i am looking for anyone who is going through or has been through a similar situation and what the best course of action is. Im willing to change my job in order to take and pick them up from school if I need to. I also get alot of help from my parents so there is alot of support from my side of the family. Thanks.
Weekesy89 - 31-Dec-17 @ 8:03 AM
frankiesard - Your Question:
Hi there, I wonder if you can suggest something. my ex forced me out after moving in new home, changed the locks the next day and let in her new boyfriend soon after to live with her and my kids. Everything was under her name. That year I was really down thinking my kids (5) and (1) living with another man especially as I was the main carer staying at home and working part time, everything was so odd coming back at home from work.One year after she asked for divorce, now that we are divorced she is not completing the form E, she is taking her time and suggesting to take her to court. I don't want to pay the solicitor to go to court as I'm saving to buy myself a small place to have the kids as I'm renting room at the moment.my questions if someone can help:shall I go to mediation for settlement?is she entitled to something if I buy a place if the financial settlement is not done even if we are divorced without decree nice?Any advise is welcome.

Our Response:
If you have moved out of the family home and you are wishing to try and force your ex to sell, then I would advise not to push ahead with this as it is highly unlikely a court would force your ex to sell while your children are in full-time education. A court will always decide what it thinks is in the best interests of your children, and stability and consistency are always considered most important. Much also depends upon how much equity is in the house. If there is little equity, then there is no point pushing ahead as you will end up spending more in court and legal costs to take the matter to court. As long as you can prove you are not using money from your joint marital account to fund your new property, then you shouldn't have a problem in the future. Your only problem may be applying for a mortgage if your name is currently on the existing mortgage. You may wish to seek legal advice, the Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to help with this if you can't afford to speak to a solicitor. I would say to avoid court though where you can, as it can soak up any spare cash you have. Instead, consider mediation as an alternative.
SeparatedDads - 18-Dec-17 @ 2:34 PM
Hi there, I wonder if you can suggest something. my ex forced me out after moving in new home, changed the locks the next day and let in her new boyfriend soon after to live with her and my kids. Everything was under her name. That year I was really down thinking my kids (5) and (1) living with another man especially as I was the main carer staying at home and working part time, everything was so odd coming back at home from work. One year after she asked for divorce, now that we are divorced she is not completing the form E, she is taking her time and suggesting to take her to court. I don't want to pay the solicitor to go to court as I'm saving to buy myself a small place to have the kids as I'm renting room at the moment. my questions if someone can help: shall I go to mediation for settlement? is she entitled to something if I buy a place if the financial settlement is not done even if we are divorced without decree nice? Any advise is welcome.
frankiesard - 17-Dec-17 @ 5:35 PM
@Dan - you are absolutely right. Mothers should not have the level of control they do. There are two parents in every relationship and this should be recognised through the courts. The courts are a lot better than they were and much more open to ordering shared-care arrangements. But still, it's unfair to put your child through this torment for nothing. Your ex should remember; it's what's in the best interests of the child - not the parents.
SamJax - 5-Dec-17 @ 11:33 AM
Hi there, why is it that the women get automatic rights when it comes to children?? My ex wife wanted to end the relationship with no reason but she thought I’d changed after I had a mental illness which I’m now fully recovered from. Immediately she took our 5 year old son and dictates the days and times I’m allowed to see him, I’ve paid for mediation which she then asked for me to pay for the joint sessions also which I couldn’t afford so I’ve now taken the matter to court. I only made a simple request of 3 nights access and accesss on birthdays, xmas and school holidays. She point blank refused and offered me 2 nights and 2 weeks during the 6 weeks holidays which I feel is unfair so it’s now progressed to the final hearing. She’s changed her phone number and won’t let my son contact me at all, which is causing huge upset to my little boy. I also asked if I could have my son and she can see him 2 nights a week but apparently this is not acceptable as she is his MOTHER! What’s happened to equal rights?? I’ve got into debt to get legal support I’ve paid mine and her mediation fees, court fees and even had to pay to find out her address as she has moved and will not tell me where my son is living. She has stated that I am a great father so why can it not be split 50/50 I love my son he is my world it’s heartbreaking something has to change surely!!!
Dan - 4-Dec-17 @ 4:56 PM
hi everyone....seeking some feed back my ex wife has brought alleged conviction of rape against me (totally untrue ) i was bailed with conditions,1 being no contact with my 2 kiddies i honoured this condition,my bail was then dropped as the conditions but now child services are blocking me seeing the kids have they the power to inflict this condition im desperate to see my kids
john1644 - 17-Nov-17 @ 7:46 PM
Seba - Your Question:
I have recieved a solicitors letter from my ex sayin my contact us ceased as my son doesnt want to see me due to my. Behaviour.I'm in shock as my son and I have great relationship. She seemed to do this everytime she is having another child.can someone help or advise what to do

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. You would have to go through the procedure laid out in the article, here. If you cannot afford legal representation if the matter has to go to court, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 16-Nov-17 @ 2:13 PM
I have recieved a solicitors letter from my ex sayin my contact us ceased as my son doesnt want to see me due to my. Behaviour .I'm in shock as my son and I have great relationship . She seemed to do this everytime she is having another child .can someone help or advise what to do
Seba - 15-Nov-17 @ 11:03 PM
Wonderboy - Your Question:
I be tried to register numerous times but keep getting told I'm a spammer and to contact admin, I've tried to find the contact email on the forum but had no luck, please can you help

Our Response:
Please see forum link here with regards on how to contact the forum administrator.
SeparatedDads - 2-Oct-17 @ 11:49 AM
I be tried to register numerous times but keep getting told I'm a spammer and to contact admin, I've tried to find the contact email on the forum but had no luck, please can you help
Wonderboy - 1-Oct-17 @ 6:08 PM
PoorDAD - Your Question:
Hi all, Having been to court to arrange financial relief, I obtained a court order that settled, amongst everything else, the child maintenance payments that I had to be making to my ex-wife for my 14-year-old daughter and with which I’ve been compliant.However, since July 2017 my daughter has chosen to come and live with me and has been spending 5 to 6 nights (and days) at mine consistently since then. I have called CMS and they have confirmed that that now makes me the main carer for my daughter and have advised me to apply for child benefit, which I have done and I’m now waiting for a reply.My question is: Can I stop paying child maintenance to my ex-wife? The problem is that the court order has been valid since March 2017 and CMS cannot step in until March 2018. To go back to court will take at least four months and considerable costs, let alone the stress. In the meantime, I’m paying money that clearly is not used for my daughter’s maintenance and needs, while at the same time I could be making use of it and cover for her needs now that she lives with me.I appreciate that not complying with a court order is not advisable, but I would like to know what would be the consequences if I stopped paying?

Our Response:
Have you spoken to your ex regarding this? You could take the matter to mediation, if your ex is in agreement, as any agreement made in mediation has to be verified by the courts. If you stop payment, then you risk being in arrears. It is a grey area and one that should be approached cautiously. Once the child benefit is registered in your name, then you will be able to stop payment. But, until then it is always beneficial to have the agreement rubber-stamped by the court to save any future repercussions i.e if your child went back to live with your ex.
SeparatedDads - 29-Sep-17 @ 2:29 PM
Hi all, Having been to court to arrange financial relief, I obtained a court order that settled, amongst everything else, the child maintenance payments that I had to be making to my ex-wife for my 14-year-old daughter and with which I’ve been compliant. However, since July 2017 my daughter has chosen to come and live with me and has been spending 5 to 6 nights (and days) at mine consistently since then. I have called CMS and they have confirmed that that now makes me the main carer for my daughter and have advised me to apply for child benefit, which I have done and I’m now waiting for a reply. My question is: Can I stop paying child maintenance to my ex-wife? The problem is that the court order has been valid since March 2017 and CMS cannot step in until March 2018. To go back to court will take at least four months and considerable costs, let alone the stress. In the meantime, I’m paying money that clearly is not used for my daughter’s maintenance and needs, while at the same time I could be making use of it and cover for her needs now that she lives with me. I appreciate that not complying with a court order is not advisable, but I would like to know what would be the consequences if I stopped paying?
PoorDAD - 28-Sep-17 @ 12:16 PM
bushwhacker - Your Question:
I can't register as my details are being flagged up as spam, the message says to contact admin.I hope you can help.

Our Response:
You would have to get in touch with your preferred username via the forum contact email. So we can email you back with a temporary password to help set you up.
SeparatedDads - 28-Sep-17 @ 11:39 AM
I can't register as my details are being flagged up as spam, the message says to contact admin. I hope you can help.
bushwhacker - 27-Sep-17 @ 4:12 PM
@jdad - that's pretty tough. Unless you go through the UK courts and spend a tonne of money, there's not much you can do. The courts would probably allow you access, but you may have to go through a time of not seeing your son before it got to court, if the mother is that sort of woman. I advise carrying on doing what you are doing and mark down all the times you have had access to your son, then when the contact is fully established and your son is a bit older take the matter to court. I really feel for you - the mother sounds like a nightmare.
Elliot&0 - 14-Sep-17 @ 12:36 PM
I am an American citizen and my son (now 3 years old) was born in Costa Rica to a British Citizen (a result of a very casual affair, we barely knew each other at the time). When he was born, she refused to allowed me to be on the birth certificate due to fears of me controlling her travel plans. She now lives back in England with her mother and only allows me to Skype twice a month and visit every few months - on her very stringent terms. She does not allow me to know or come to her home and only agrees to meet me for supervised visits at a hotel, play place or restaurant always in the company of her mother. She will not discuss mediation or give me any real or solo visitation rights or put me on the birth certificate, even though I do paypal her money for my son every month. I have been very patient and am afraid to rock the boat because anytime I ask for anything she cuts me off and takes more away. I just want to be in my son's life and make sure he knows I love him. I am not looking for joint custody and understand that our geographic locations will probably never allow for that. I live in the US and took a job as a flight attendant just to have flight benefits. I don't know what I should or could do to insure my rights without making things worse. If you have any advice I would appreciate it.
jdad - 13-Sep-17 @ 6:09 PM
lostDad - Your Question:
My ex wife has taken my.kids to live somewhere else in the country. I don't know their whereabouts she won't tell me.I have been in their lives since they were born.She soon went to csa to get money which I not mind paying for my.kids but yet okay for her to not have me in their lives but wants my money. I have a young child to my wife and she took them just before he was due. So never met.I believe she has changed their surname but how do I find out if this is true.I want my.kids to have my name.I love them and wanted to be their Dad. She had taken them.from me and hurts so much.If given them a new man's surname I will be heartbroken. She is sly and would say can't contact.me as she told csa I no parental right so have to pay more.She says I'm a bad dad.I'm not I have been there for them.I had them at weekends or longer like Xmas new year if could and when she went out needing me to watch them.I spend money on them. Too them places.What can I do?I've not much money as paying csa. My mortgage. Bills and little one in house I'm struggling as it is.Please help

Our Response:
Your only recourse would be to apply to court for access to see your children. If you cannot afford legal representation, you can self-litigate, please see link here. If you cannot afford court fees, you may be eligible for a reduction, please see link here . If you cannot find your ex you would also have to fill in a C4 form which is an application for an order for disclosure of a child’s whereabouts. This will allow the courts to put a trace on your children to allow you to apply to court. Joining groups such as Families Need Fathers and our own Separated Dads Forum can help with those unanswered questions and to give you the confidence to take matters further. If you are currently not seeing your children, then you have nothing to lose by trying to fight to see them and keep them in your life.
SeparatedDads - 25-Aug-17 @ 2:06 PM
really had enough - Your Question:
Hi all.I'm really struggling with hearing about the fun times my son is having with my ex wife and her fiancé. She started seeing him 2 weeks after she asked for a separation, introduced my son to him 3 weeks after I was forced out of my home and announced they were getting married a week after divorce was finalised. I really want my son to be happy but it feels like bit by bit this other man is taking over my son. My ex has gone all out to get my son playing the same sports that the other man likes and has stopped the activities my son used to do stating she can't afford them anymore. The new sports he does costs far more!!!! I pay my fair share for my son each month and am a co-parent (3 nights per week)

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. Please see the link: When Your Ex Gets a New Partner here which may help you put things into perspective a little more. It is understandable that such emotions are running around in your head if your own confidence feels at rock bottom. However, as specified in the article if you have a good relationship with your son and you have good access if you are having him three nights per week, then you need to make the most of this and perhaps look at this from a different perspective. Isn't it better that there is someone in your son's life who is being good to your son? How would you feel if your ex's partner turned out to be someone who didn't want a relationship with your son and saw him as an inconvenience, or could be unkind, or who you disliked immensely, or didn't trust? The fact your ex has found someone who is willing to spend time getting to know your son and invest time into him could be viewed as a positive. It will take time to adjust to this and remember currently this may be a novelty for your son, but in time the novelty may diminish slightly. The fact you co-parent three nights per week is also positive. Use this time to have your own father/son experiences - it's not a competition and you have the upper hand of being the biological father to your son. Therefore, rather than reject your ex's partner perhaps you could be thankful - as the situation could be much worse.
SeparatedDads - 25-Aug-17 @ 10:45 AM
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