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Forum Rules and Code of Conduct

By: Clare Birtles - Updated: 4 Dec 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Forum Code Of Conduct Forum Rules

We hope that members will find support, advice, humour and friendly conversation here. To ensure that happens smoothly, we have created a brief code of conduct for members. It's not long and rambling, so please take time to read it, before posting.

Separated Dads Forum Code of Conduct

(1) Language/Defamatory Remarks

Do not post anything that could be construed as racist, homophobic, sexist, harassment, pornographic or abusive.

Anybody can read this forum, so please do not use sexually explicit language or swear words

(2) Personal Information

Please do not use names in your posts (e.g. those of spouses, professionals, ex partners, children etc); you may be putting other people and yourself at risk by doing so. If you have an ongoing court case or dispute, anything you say that identifies you or other the parties may also be prejudicial to the process and might influence your desired outcome. Our moderators will remove or edit posts deemed to identify a person or their children.

(3) Personal Attacks

Do not make personal attacks on other forum members.

If another discussion member makes a personal/abusive remark directed at you, do not respond with a similar attack of your own. Contact the administrator or a moderator.

(4) Links/Self Advertising

Posts will be removed if we feel a link or comment has been posted as a means of self advertising, self promotion, or which we consider to be spam.

Only post links/urls which are on topic and of use to other forum members.

(5) Discussion Topics

Only post a thread once, under the appropriate forum topic. Duplicate threads will be removed. Please keep discussions on topic. If you want to talk about something that is not relevant to the current thread, create a new one.

Take me to The Separated Dads Forum

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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[Add a Comment]
@Dan - you are absolutely right. Mothers should not have the level of control they do. There are two parents in every relationship and this should be recognised through the courts. The courts are a lot better than they were and much more open to ordering shared-care arrangements. But still, it's unfair to put your child through this torment for nothing. Your ex should remember; it's what's in the best interests of the child - not the parents.
SamJax - 5-Dec-17 @ 11:33 AM
Hi there, why is it that the women get automatic rights when it comes to children?? My ex wife wanted to end the relationship with no reason but she thought I’d changed after I had a mental illness which I’m now fully recovered from. Immediately she took our 5 year old son and dictates the days and times I’m allowed to see him, I’ve paid for mediation which she then asked for me to pay for the joint sessions also which I couldn’t afford so I’ve now taken the matter to court. I only made a simple request of 3 nights access and accesss on birthdays, xmas and school holidays. She point blank refused and offered me 2 nights and 2 weeks during the 6 weeks holidays which I feel is unfair so it’s now progressed to the final hearing. She’s changed her phone number and won’t let my son contact me at all, which is causing huge upset to my little boy. I also asked if I could have my son and she can see him 2 nights a week but apparently this is not acceptable as she is his MOTHER! What’s happened to equal rights?? I’ve got into debt to get legal support I’ve paid mine and her mediation fees, court fees and even had to pay to find out her address as she has moved and will not tell me where my son is living. She has stated that I am a great father so why can it not be split 50/50 I love my son he is my world it’s heartbreaking something has to change surely!!!
Dan - 4-Dec-17 @ 4:56 PM
hi everyone....seeking some feed back my ex wife has brought alleged conviction of rape against me (totally untrue ) i was bailed with conditions,1 being no contact with my 2 kiddies i honoured this condition,my bail was then dropped as the conditions but now child services are blocking me seeing the kids have they the power to inflict this condition im desperate to see my kids
john1644 - 17-Nov-17 @ 7:46 PM
Seba - Your Question:
I have recieved a solicitors letter from my ex sayin my contact us ceased as my son doesnt want to see me due to my. Behaviour.I'm in shock as my son and I have great relationship. She seemed to do this everytime she is having another child.can someone help or advise what to do

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. You would have to go through the procedure laid out in the article, here. If you cannot afford legal representation if the matter has to go to court, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 16-Nov-17 @ 2:13 PM
I have recieved a solicitors letter from my ex sayin my contact us ceased as my son doesnt want to see me due to my. Behaviour .I'm in shock as my son and I have great relationship . She seemed to do this everytime she is having another child .can someone help or advise what to do
Seba - 15-Nov-17 @ 11:03 PM
Wonderboy - Your Question:
I be tried to register numerous times but keep getting told I'm a spammer and to contact admin, I've tried to find the contact email on the forum but had no luck, please can you help

Our Response:
Please see forum link here with regards on how to contact the forum administrator.
SeparatedDads - 2-Oct-17 @ 11:49 AM
I be tried to register numerous times but keep getting told I'm a spammer and to contact admin, I've tried to find the contact email on the forum but had no luck, please can you help
Wonderboy - 1-Oct-17 @ 6:08 PM
PoorDAD - Your Question:
Hi all, Having been to court to arrange financial relief, I obtained a court order that settled, amongst everything else, the child maintenance payments that I had to be making to my ex-wife for my 14-year-old daughter and with which I’ve been compliant.However, since July 2017 my daughter has chosen to come and live with me and has been spending 5 to 6 nights (and days) at mine consistently since then. I have called CMS and they have confirmed that that now makes me the main carer for my daughter and have advised me to apply for child benefit, which I have done and I’m now waiting for a reply.My question is: Can I stop paying child maintenance to my ex-wife? The problem is that the court order has been valid since March 2017 and CMS cannot step in until March 2018. To go back to court will take at least four months and considerable costs, let alone the stress. In the meantime, I’m paying money that clearly is not used for my daughter’s maintenance and needs, while at the same time I could be making use of it and cover for her needs now that she lives with me.I appreciate that not complying with a court order is not advisable, but I would like to know what would be the consequences if I stopped paying?

Our Response:
Have you spoken to your ex regarding this? You could take the matter to mediation, if your ex is in agreement, as any agreement made in mediation has to be verified by the courts. If you stop payment, then you risk being in arrears. It is a grey area and one that should be approached cautiously. Once the child benefit is registered in your name, then you will be able to stop payment. But, until then it is always beneficial to have the agreement rubber-stamped by the court to save any future repercussions i.e if your child went back to live with your ex.
SeparatedDads - 29-Sep-17 @ 2:29 PM
Hi all, Having been to court to arrange financial relief, I obtained a court order that settled, amongst everything else, the child maintenance payments that I had to be making to my ex-wife for my 14-year-old daughter and with which I’ve been compliant. However, since July 2017 my daughter has chosen to come and live with me and has been spending 5 to 6 nights (and days) at mine consistently since then. I have called CMS and they have confirmed that that now makes me the main carer for my daughter and have advised me to apply for child benefit, which I have done and I’m now waiting for a reply. My question is: Can I stop paying child maintenance to my ex-wife? The problem is that the court order has been valid since March 2017 and CMS cannot step in until March 2018. To go back to court will take at least four months and considerable costs, let alone the stress. In the meantime, I’m paying money that clearly is not used for my daughter’s maintenance and needs, while at the same time I could be making use of it and cover for her needs now that she lives with me. I appreciate that not complying with a court order is not advisable, but I would like to know what would be the consequences if I stopped paying?
PoorDAD - 28-Sep-17 @ 12:16 PM
bushwhacker - Your Question:
I can't register as my details are being flagged up as spam, the message says to contact admin.I hope you can help.

Our Response:
You would have to get in touch with your preferred username via the forum contact email. So we can email you back with a temporary password to help set you up.
SeparatedDads - 28-Sep-17 @ 11:39 AM
I can't register as my details are being flagged up as spam, the message says to contact admin. I hope you can help.
bushwhacker - 27-Sep-17 @ 4:12 PM
@jdad - that's pretty tough. Unless you go through the UK courts and spend a tonne of money, there's not much you can do. The courts would probably allow you access, but you may have to go through a time of not seeing your son before it got to court, if the mother is that sort of woman. I advise carrying on doing what you are doing and mark down all the times you have had access to your son, then when the contact is fully established and your son is a bit older take the matter to court. I really feel for you - the mother sounds like a nightmare.
Elliot&0 - 14-Sep-17 @ 12:36 PM
I am an American citizen and my son (now 3 years old) was born in Costa Rica to a British Citizen (a result of a very casual affair, we barely knew each other at the time). When he was born, she refused to allowed me to be on the birth certificate due to fears of me controlling her travel plans. She now lives back in England with her mother and only allows me to Skype twice a month and visit every few months - on her very stringent terms. She does not allow me to know or come to her home and only agrees to meet me for supervised visits at a hotel, play place or restaurant always in the company of her mother. She will not discuss mediation or give me any real or solo visitation rights or put me on the birth certificate, even though I do paypal her money for my son every month. I have been very patient and am afraid to rock the boat because anytime I ask for anything she cuts me off and takes more away. I just want to be in my son's life and make sure he knows I love him. I am not looking for joint custody and understand that our geographic locations will probably never allow for that. I live in the US and took a job as a flight attendant just to have flight benefits. I don't know what I should or could do to insure my rights without making things worse. If you have any advice I would appreciate it.
jdad - 13-Sep-17 @ 6:09 PM
lostDad - Your Question:
My ex wife has taken my.kids to live somewhere else in the country. I don't know their whereabouts she won't tell me.I have been in their lives since they were born.She soon went to csa to get money which I not mind paying for my.kids but yet okay for her to not have me in their lives but wants my money. I have a young child to my wife and she took them just before he was due. So never met.I believe she has changed their surname but how do I find out if this is true.I want my.kids to have my name.I love them and wanted to be their Dad. She had taken them.from me and hurts so much.If given them a new man's surname I will be heartbroken. She is sly and would say can't contact.me as she told csa I no parental right so have to pay more.She says I'm a bad dad.I'm not I have been there for them.I had them at weekends or longer like Xmas new year if could and when she went out needing me to watch them.I spend money on them. Too them places.What can I do?I've not much money as paying csa. My mortgage. Bills and little one in house I'm struggling as it is.Please help

Our Response:
Your only recourse would be to apply to court for access to see your children. If you cannot afford legal representation, you can self-litigate, please see link here. If you cannot afford court fees, you may be eligible for a reduction, please see link here . If you cannot find your ex you would also have to fill in a C4 form which is an application for an order for disclosure of a child’s whereabouts. This will allow the courts to put a trace on your children to allow you to apply to court. Joining groups such as Families Need Fathers and our own Separated Dads Forum can help with those unanswered questions and to give you the confidence to take matters further. If you are currently not seeing your children, then you have nothing to lose by trying to fight to see them and keep them in your life.
SeparatedDads - 25-Aug-17 @ 2:06 PM
really had enough - Your Question:
Hi all.I'm really struggling with hearing about the fun times my son is having with my ex wife and her fiancé. She started seeing him 2 weeks after she asked for a separation, introduced my son to him 3 weeks after I was forced out of my home and announced they were getting married a week after divorce was finalised. I really want my son to be happy but it feels like bit by bit this other man is taking over my son. My ex has gone all out to get my son playing the same sports that the other man likes and has stopped the activities my son used to do stating she can't afford them anymore. The new sports he does costs far more!!!! I pay my fair share for my son each month and am a co-parent (3 nights per week)

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. Please see the link: When Your Ex Gets a New Partner here which may help you put things into perspective a little more. It is understandable that such emotions are running around in your head if your own confidence feels at rock bottom. However, as specified in the article if you have a good relationship with your son and you have good access if you are having him three nights per week, then you need to make the most of this and perhaps look at this from a different perspective. Isn't it better that there is someone in your son's life who is being good to your son? How would you feel if your ex's partner turned out to be someone who didn't want a relationship with your son and saw him as an inconvenience, or could be unkind, or who you disliked immensely, or didn't trust? The fact your ex has found someone who is willing to spend time getting to know your son and invest time into him could be viewed as a positive. It will take time to adjust to this and remember currently this may be a novelty for your son, but in time the novelty may diminish slightly. The fact you co-parent three nights per week is also positive. Use this time to have your own father/son experiences - it's not a competition and you have the upper hand of being the biological father to your son. Therefore, rather than reject your ex's partner perhaps you could be thankful - as the situation could be much worse.
SeparatedDads - 25-Aug-17 @ 10:45 AM
My ex wife has taken my.kids to live somewhere else in the country. I don't know their whereabouts she won't tell me. I have been in their lives since they were born. She soon went to csa to get money which I not mind paying for my.kids but yet okay for her to not have me in their lives but wants my money. I have a young child to my wife and she took them just before he was due. So never met. I believe she has changed their surname but how do I find out if this is true. I want my.kids to have my name. I love them and wanted to be their Dad. She had taken them.from me and hurts so much. If given them a new man's surname I will be heartbroken. She is sly and would say can't contact.me as she told csa I no parental right so have to pay more. She says I'm a bad dad. I'm not I have been there for them. I had them at weekends or longer like Xmas new year if could and when she went out needing me to watch them. I spend money on them. Too them places. What can I do? I've not much money as paying csa. My mortgage. Bills and little one in house I'm struggling as it is. Please help
lostDad - 24-Aug-17 @ 8:46 PM
Hi all. I'm really struggling with hearing about the fun times my son is having with my ex wife and her fiancé. She started seeing him 2 weeks after she asked for a separation, introduced my son to him 3 weeks after I was forced out of my home and announced they were getting married a week after divorce was finalised. I really want my son to be happy but it feels like bit by bit this other man is taking over my son. My ex has gone all out to get my son playing the same sports that the other man likes and has stopped the activities my son used to do stating she can't afford them anymore. The new sports he does costs far more!!!!I pay my fair share for my son each month and am a co-parent (3 nights per week)
really had enough - 24-Aug-17 @ 10:46 AM
Wayne - Your Question:
Hi.i will start with the background to my story.my wife left me in March, with my then 13 month old son. She does disappeared to Ireland from London, without saying anything. after 10 days she returned to England, but not home. she set up home somewhere else, claiming she didn't want to be with me anymore. She told me she was in Essex, but no address, and she would bring my son to me weekly/fortnightly to have him for a few days.At a later date it would appear she possibly wasn't in Essex.After a 6 month tenancy that was too pricey for her, she requested to come back to our housing association flat, which I accepted and moved out.Its been 2 weeks, and after asking me to be a guarantor for her to move, (as our old flat is in a not so nice place for a child to grow up), she has now said she is moving away, and has also requested I give more child care to help with the cost of nusery etc.I will not be told her new address, and I suspect I may not see my son again.What are my rights?

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. Have you thought of suggesting mediation to your wife in order to come to a mutual arrangement? Talking this through is the best course of action and specifying that you will do all you can to keep in contact with your son and be a good dad to him and she can either work with you, or against you. If she decides she wishes to work against you and refuses mediation and leaves the area without your consent (by law she has to request your consent to move, as you have joint parental responsibility for your child), then court is your next option. If she refuses to attend mediation and you fear she may move away without your consent, you can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order. A PSO, is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent. This is more common in cases where there is suspicion that one parent may leave the area with their children. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. If your wife moves without your consent and you cannot locate her, then you can still apply for a C100 contact order through the courts. In addition, you can fill in a C4 form. This is an application for an order for disclosure of a child’s whereabouts. This means the courts can put a trace on your child and can force your ex to move back into the area, if they think it is in the child's best interests. However, again, the courts will foremost decide upon what it thinks is most important for the welfare of your son. Remember, in theory you do have equal rights to your son. Therefore, you may wish to seek legal advice and/or ask a solicitor to outline your rights to your ex and what she is legally obliged to with regards to you also having PR. Please also see links here, here and here. Just because your wife says she has fallen out with you, unless she has good reason (i.e domestic violence etc) then there is no reason to stop you having a relationship with your son.
SeparatedDads - 21-Aug-17 @ 10:03 AM
Hi. i will start with the background to my story. my wife left me in March, with my then 13 month old son. She does disappeared to Ireland from London, without saying anything. after 10 days she returned to England, but not home. she set up home somewhere else, claiming she didn't want to be with me anymore. She told me she was in Essex, but no address, and she would bring my son to me weekly/fortnightly to have him for a few days.At a later date it would appear she possibly wasn't in Essex. After a 6 month tenancy that was too pricey for her, she requested to come back to our housing association flat, which i accepted and moved out. Its been 2 weeks, and after asking me to be a guarantor for her to move, (as our old flat is in a not so nice place for a child to grow up), she has now said she is moving away, and has also requested i give more child care to help with the cost of nusery etc. I will not be told her new address, and i suspect i may not see my son again. What are my rights?
Wayne - 19-Aug-17 @ 1:40 AM
Hi my son has just started a paid apprenticeship at Halfords. He has a contract for a minimum of 16 hours a week. Pay rate is £5.80 a hour but goes up over the coming months. He was just about to start his 2nd year of final educating. Do I still have to pay the ex wife maintenance ???
Allan - 16-Aug-17 @ 9:28 AM
Hi my son has just started a paid apprenticeship at Halfords. He has a contract for a minimum of 16 hours. Pay rate is £5.80 a hour but goes up over the coming months. He was just about to start his 2nd year of final educating. Do I still have to pay the ex wife maintenance ???
Allan - 16-Aug-17 @ 9:24 AM
Ian - Your Question:
Hello allAfter quite some time I've finally managed to get online to the forum. I've not been able to see my kids for two years because of the system and would welcome any advice.

Our Response:
Much depends upon your circumstances and the reasons why you have not seen your children. As a rule, the system is geared towards trying to help non-resident parents maintain a good relationship with their children. However, there can be many reasons why a relationship cannot not maintained. Therefore, more information on the 'whys' would be needed in order to give any advice. Alternatively, the dads on our forum are great at giving helpful advice as they generally know how the 'system' works having been through its trials and tribulations previously.
SeparatedDads - 10-Aug-17 @ 10:43 AM
Hello all After quite some time I've finally managed to get online to the forum. I've not been able to see my kids for two years because of the system and would welcome any advice.
Ian - 8-Aug-17 @ 6:14 PM
@S7eve - not really, I don't think the doctors will divulge confidential information about another patient. You will just have to take her word for it. You're going to know soon enough whether she is lying or not as it will be pretty visible.
BenT - 17-Jul-17 @ 10:43 AM
Hi I'm looking for some advise, I have recently separated from my wife but she is now telling me she is pregnant, I have asked for confirmation but she is telling me I have no legal rights to confirmation from the doctors, is this true? Can anybody help?
S7eve - 14-Jul-17 @ 7:39 PM
@Mr 50s - you are in one of the best places in the country to explore. There is so much to do on your doorstep. Why don't you ask each of your offsprings to suggest something new they would like to do in turn. If you want to chill out take a picnic somewhere by the river or in a park. It costs much less outdoors and no one is moving you on!
Gill - 10-Jul-17 @ 12:18 PM
Practical question. I live in north London N8 area. I have four kids, two boys aged 20 and 18 and two girls aged 22 and 24. I'm nearly 2 years into my separation and am finally divorced. Having sold the flat near my family home + moved in with my girlfriend and her kids I need to find some places I can take kids where we can chill out rather than feeling the clock-ticking of restaurants. Any ideas? My 14 year old is into sport.
Mr 50s - 9-Jul-17 @ 4:04 PM
Could somebody help please. I'm looking to move in with my partner who claims tax credits. What I am trying to work out is it pay £400 a month child mainenance will this be deducted when working out new tax credit joint award
Phr - 6-Jul-17 @ 9:15 PM
Zpbaluk - Your Question:
Hi,I would really like to join this forum as not only has it very usual posts that have helped me but I have an issue I would like to discuss and get advice.Thanks

Our Response:
You can contact/email admin via the forum and they will help you to register.
SeparatedDads - 27-Jun-17 @ 3:02 PM
Gammaman - Your Question:
Hi I just tried to join. I am not a spammer just wanted some advice.

Our Response:
If you contact admin via the forum, you will be helped to register.
SeparatedDads - 27-Jun-17 @ 11:47 AM
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