There’s a lot more to separation that learning to deal with a new emotional state or making arrangements regarding your children. In practical terms, sorting out your finances can be one of the trickiest areas.
If you're unsure exactly how much you'll need to budget for, you can get an accurate estimate using our free Child Maintenance Calculator.
The simple fact is that you’re almost certainly going to have less money than you did before. Where you’d probably been used to two incomes, there will now be only one, and that will be further depleted by whatever you have to pay in maintenance for your child, which can take a serious chunk – possibly a quarter – off your net income.
Living With Less
The very first thing to do is review your finances. If you and your ex have any joint bank or building society accounts, you’ll need to close them and re-open as individual accounts. There might have been direct debits relating to your old relationship that no longer apply (phone bills or council tax, for example). Make sure you cancel these.
If you’re paying into a pension or an ISA, take a look at how much you’re contributing and consider reducing it. In the long run, you’ll want to re-assess, but in the short term, you can probably use the cash for day-to-day bills.
Take a look at exactly what you need to survive each month – rent or mortgage, council tax, heat, electricity, food etc. There might be very little left over, so you’ll need to set yourself a budget, and make sure you stick to it. If at all possible, try to save some money each week, even if it’s only £5.
Ideally, you should have a cushion of money in the bank, the equivalent of three to six months’ salary in case of emergencies or unemployment. However, in a lot of cases that simply isn’t possible, so save slowly and make sure you don’t touch the amount unless it’s absolutely necessary.
If you smoke, this is the perfect incentive to stop – at 20 a day, you’ll be saving well over £200 a month, which you can use for other things.
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It might be worth dusting off your CV and applying for a better job where you can earn more money. You can also look into part-time jobs that will work around your regular hours, but make sure you still leave time for contact with your children. With an additional part-time job, not only will you be making extra money, but you’ll be around a new set of people, which can expand your social life, too.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
What Not To Do
One thing to avoid is using your credit cards. It might seem like a good option when money is tight, but it’s one that will come back to haunt you. You can quickly find yourself struggling in debt, and forced to turn to consumer credit counselling to extract yourself. Cut up most of your credit cards to avoid the temptation. Keep one for absolute, unavoidable emergencies.
Depression
One side effect of having very little money and constantly struggling to get by can be depression. If you find yourself succumbing to this, talk to your GP. The doctor should be able to suggest remedies, including counselling, that could help alleviate your depression. See our article How to Stop Emotional Meltdown on this site.
Why is it that Dads have to bear most of the brunt in these situations??
So many guys I know are in this situation through no fault of their own.
Not only are their children taken away and dictated to when, where, how long they can spend with and what they can do with their kids by their ex-spouse.
Sometimes I find the advice a bitter pill to swallow and a kick in the teeth - even on this site as the advice is - to give up doing what makes you who you are ….. and go out and work harder and take on more jobs to take your mind off the situation - only to find that that what you have worked your backside off all week for is to be deducted with taxes and child maintenance (which is completely and unfairly based before tax & national insurance!)
I have gone through this and am still dealing with it too.
Not only are dads left picking up the pieces, they are automatically stigmatised as the party at fault and are treated differently based on people’s misjudgments.
Not only having to deal with the stigma being a single dad at times, working another job or more hours, putting up with abuse from your ex spouse, but you need to reserve enough time and energy to be a father and put a smile on when you see their mother!
All without seeing your kids until the mother decides!
I don’t see much support for fathers out there to help them get through what is most likely the hardest time in their life emotionally than there are support and support groups for mothers to claim whatever they can - including the clothes off a man’s back!
The amount of fathers and GOOD MEN out there that are being walked over and treated like this is disgusting.
I feel for you guys.
My ex’s daughter never accepted me, and she did everything during the years of my relationship with her mum to kick me out of the house. I ended up being taken away from my house, and now I’m homeless, with no possibility of renting anywhere due to the cost of mortgage (that I pay in full even though my ex is on the deed and lives in the house), the child support maintenance, and some loans that were made during the relationship to buy the family car (that my ex’s drive), some gifts for the ex’s daughter that was really expensive and my ex didn’t accept a “we can’t afford it now” as an answer, the loan for my car (that I’m trying to sell but my ex is refusing to give me the documents and DVLA would send them only to my old address), and the lawyers. I’m basically without money to live and support myself, I’m lucky to have good friends that are hosting and supporting me, but I cannot be here forever. The CSM said that even though I pay the mortgage I still have to pay the child maintenance (I want to support my son, there is no question about it) and if I don’t it’ll become criminal issue; my ex is playing the victim with friends and family but meanwhile she went abroad with the kids (without my consent) and nothing happened, she lied to the DWP for the child maintenance and nothing happened, she states to the involved parties that she has to go to food banks, but meanwhile she posts pictures of her and the kids in fine dining places, with cocktails, etc… my lawyers don’t even get a reply from her, the only thing we know is that she is not wanting to sell the house, and that because there are children involved the law is on her side. I’m in deep depression, supported by psychologist and GP, but I don’t know for how long I can continue all this. I feel powerless in this country, and I feel like there is no escape, no way to make things better. Can anyone help please?
I have just been issued with a divorce petition from my ex's solicitor (yesterday). I moved out the family home under two years ago after sticking around for many years after she had an affair. My child was very young at the time and I made the decision to stick around until she was older as there wasnt a bad atmosphere, but the relationship was dead. We just led pretty much single lives. My daughter is now 14 and in the petition she asks me to pay the legal fees for the divorce and that the house will go up for sale but the equity will be split 70-30 in her favour. For the whole 20 yrs in the property I have been the only person who has made payments. She has now even asked me to continue to pay 100% of the mortgage until the house is sold. But I am not allowed access to carry out any improvement work to get the best possible price for the house. Question is, do I have the right to enter the house to carry out work (with notice given to her of course)? One other question... If I pay half the mortgage, will I be expected to also pay child maintenance or is it one of the other?
I am at a total loss as to what to do, I cant afford to rent or buy somewhere when paying out all that money to her. She says that she will make sure I can afford to live anywhere nice by taking as much money as she can including child maintenance
Any advice as to who is or isn't right?
My ex asked me for more money, when I asked what is it for she couldn't state as all my son's cost are covered.
However my ex told me csa told her she can get double what I am giving her. I have debts which I am paying off and I also have another child from a previous relationship who I also pay for.
Me paying this new figure from csa will actually leave me paying out more each month than I actually earn, she can not state why she needs this extra money as my sons needs are covered.
She has made a claim to csa to get more money for greed not support of our child, but csa dont care and are going ahead with their assessment. Is there any help I can receive as I am always willing to pay for my sons needs but I cant afford to pay her extra money for her wants.
The house is mortgaged and a has a loan against it. We have several personal debts. There are some minor jobs required on the house but it's in good order otherwise. It's just full of fifteen years worth of memories, toys, miscellaneous stuff.
What can I do?
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