How to Improve Relations With Your Child's Mother

Having recently seperated from my wife of almost ten years I have discovered a totally different person from the one I thought I loved and cared for.The hatred against me is to difficult to fathom. My wife had me answer to alegations of domestic violence reported me to the police the night I was asked to leave (which I did) but had never contacted the police in the ten years we had been married.This I realised was a wall of protection against her infadelity which came to light 4 days after I left.She needed me out of the way and short of crying rape ,she and her friend conspired with each other it was her friend who contacted the police initially. And now since I have gone she will not acknowledge me, or speak to me on the phone it's as though I dont exist.Her only way of contact is by text. I am told when I can have my 6 year old son and for four hours.If I question this she informs me she has reported me to the police for harassment I am sure there are other fathers going through far worse than me but all I would say to anybody reading this , recently or about to seperate. Prepare to meet a person you thought you knew inside and out but you have in fact never met in your life

I really feel for the previous 2 authors. i am a woman with no children of my own but have witnessed my partner of 3 years go through hell and back just for access to his 3 children from a previous relationship. I am completely ashamed but not surprised at the behaviour of some of these mothers. they make it difficult if not impossible, for a father to maintain a healthy relaionship with their kids. WE know why they are behaving the way they do but alas the children dont and inevitably its them who are likely to be the most adversely effected by their tactics and antics to make it difficult for the father to see or contact the kids.I am also alarmed at the increasing amounts of fathers stepping forward to share their stories of retaliation and awkward unreasonable behaviour by the ex (mother). You cannot reason with them. We also started recording phone calls as no-one believed my partner when he explained how irrational she was or how difficult it was to sort out something that should have been quite straight forward, they were more willing to believe it had something to do with the way he was speaking to her! (personally i think its their own insecurities about their child loving dad more than them...as if that would actually happen but that is my own opnion, also there's that level of controlling someone, even emotionally, that has left you or you kicked out). Theres a level of hypocrisy, that is literally unbelievable, at work with these unreasonable women. Its all very well explaining to the fathers that they must listen and bite their tongues but does anybody think that maybe, just maybe it is the angry mother that also needs to be told this advice? My partner ALWAYSstayed calm,, ALWAYSbit his tongue and still does to this day, she is manipulative and controlling and always uses the children to her advantage. I like to believe if i ever have children i will never behave in this manner. The kids were so confused and emotional for such a long tima and just as it all calms down she now has announced a desire to move away. Go figure! I have alot of repsect for all the fathers out there who have been to hell or are still there just for the chance to see or speak or have any contact with their kids. Good on you!

I agree with the comment made by Onylexus - while I cannot comment on his situation I can relate to his concerns about this article with my experiences - Fortunately for me I was made aware by my solicitor of the kind of insanely destructive tactics (to the children) mothers will use to deny fathers access to their children in an attempt to be able to continue to exert power over their ex/estranged partners very early on – Unfortunately for me and my child it was probably the only really proactive advice/action my lawyer actually did for me – Mine is a very long and sad story and I will tell it someday soon (I am thinking of writing a book !) but to get to the point I am trying to make : – When my now ex wife decided she wanted me out of the house (I still believe unjustifiably and UK and US courts have since backed me on this although it has taken 5 years of acrimonious litigation and all but destroyed me losing everything I had except thankfully at long last access to our daughter) My ex and her lawyer used the tactic that I was ‘abusive’ and ‘aggressive’ – I was able to remove the effect of this lever by carrying a Dictaphone in my pocket when ever I was in contact with my ex wife – I have thousands of hours of recordings and was able to use them to show that I was not the abusive husband or father she and her lawyer were trying to make me out to be – Thankfully after 5 years it seems I may have prevailed and through it all have been able to maintain a loving and precious relationship with my daughter – This would not have been possible if I had just tried to use reason and pleasantness with my ex wife as suggested by the writer of this article –I have come to despise and detest all lawyers and the family law systems that instantly label fathers as ‘dead beat dads’ regardless of who the guilty party actually is – If I have learned one thing though through all of this it is : MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LEAGALLY BINDING AGREEMENT that clearly outlines each of the father’s and mother’s financial responsibilities to the children as well as clearly defined contact/access agreements that are legally binding on both parties – Don’t stop fighting until you have this in your hand no matter who you have to go up against including lawyers members of parliament policemen judges (sheriffs) – You have to maintain the moral high ground you cannot be rude but you must always be firmly insistent on doing what is best for your child(ren) – If you have been guilty of non payment of child support or abuse in any form you are on your own ! - This process is an extremely intimidating and daunting experience but I am living proof (outside of jail!) that obstinate perseverance will pay off for your child(ren) in the end but you have to be prepared to sacrifice everything and absolutely not compromise – I wish I had had someone to guide me when I was going through it as I did make several mistakes that probably lengthened the 5 years I spent going through Hell and mad

While I appreciate Anna Aengel's genuine motives in writing her ideas about improving relations with mothers in regard to a child's father, I have the feeling that she may not fully grasp the severe difficulties involved in its application. The mother of my son has made sure that all channels of communication with her are closed, in this way she feels and knows that she is in total control of our son. To try and contact her, no matter how gently done would leave myself open to being accused of harassment. The reality of communicating to improve relations with an unreasonable mother is done only through a solicitor, and in fact they would endorse this themselves as the wise course, not that I would agree with them totally on this. For example coming up to Christmas I wrote to my son asking what he would like for a gift, I have no direct contact with him at all, so all I can do is write. Even then I have no way of knowing if his mother forwards those letters to him. On this occasion he wrote back to me and asked for a remote control car, which I got for him. I wrote again telling him that a friend would deliver it, as I am wise enough not to go near my former partner's house, which she of course knew. Within a day or so I received a firm letter from her solicitors ordering me not to go near her home or to send the gift via my friend and that any gift was to be sent by post or through a pre arranged appointment at the solicitors office. Now tell me how does a father who is screaming out to be reasonable and fair deal with an ex who is doing all she can to make sure that you don't get to your own child in any way? I believe that most separated fathers are having a similar experience to me and are being purposely demeaned by their former partners and usually for petty vengeful reasons. Many mothers have a propensity not to want to communicate in any way, and if it is to occur they make damn sure it is kept to an absolute minimum. I am sorry if I sound super critical about some mothers, I am sure that lots are allowing dad to see their kids and will at least accept even a telephone call for example. However, the experience of many of us fathers is as I have described. I would like nothing better than to get on with my ex partner and even have some kind of positive relationship for the sake of our son, but she makes it impossible. To even phone her and my son sometimes, so I can hear his sweet little voice, but again she has made that impossible also, and for no reason at all! We fathers are greatly disadvantaged when it comes to communicating with our ex, because if we try, we are accused of all sorts of things and some mothers will twist and exaggerate it to some judge or police officer or other. I am sorry, but in reality for this writer to talk of communicating with the mother in obtaining a better relatioship for the sake of our kids in such a glib manner is not feasible or realistic. I only wish that mothers would apply what she says, but man