Mediation: What is it and is it For Me?

Mediation is when two or more parties meet to resolve problems before the matter reaches court. It is most often used in family proceedings, Contact Orders, residence agreements and Divorce. It is a formal negotiation and courts can accept the agreement of the mediation instead of having to go through the court process, although it is subject to final court approval.

Mediation takes place in front of a neutral third party. The mediator has no pre-conceptions and will not force you to make an agreement. They will assist the two parties in taking turns in the conversation, and helping you reach an agreement that you are ready to agree with. Mediators do not pass judgment or offer guidance; they are there, in effect, to facilitate conversation between the two sides.

When Should Mediation be Used?

Mediation should, where possible, be used before the matter reaches court. The court will have preferred clients to go through the mediation before the matter reaches them. The primary reason is that mediation is an opportunity to come to a mutually agreed decision, one that you can take ownership of and want to ensure works. You are responsible for the outcome not the mediator.

A decision from the court can be perceived as ‘forced’ on you and is not one that the parties will necessarily want to make work, or at least, have less incentive to make work. This leads to problems not only for the courts but also for each of the parties and especially children, if they are involved. Everything that the court will do in hearings that involve children for contact, residence, Parental Responsibility will be child-focused – being in the 'best interests of the child’ is central to the court ethos and the court proceedings.

Am I Suitable for Mediation?

Anybody who wants to get a problem sorted is suitable for mediation. You have to come to mediation with an open mind and be willing to discuss things maturely and without wanting to provoke confrontation. This can be very difficult to remember when you are facing people across a table and are attempting to sort the tiny details of arrangements and divisions of time. The biggest benefit from mediation is that there is nothing to lose by attending. Everything is confidential. If there is an agreement you get charge of the arrangements, and, if you do not end up agreeing, the contents of the mediation cannot be brought up in the present court proceedings or any after the event.

Court is stressful for all concerned for you and your children, but you can help to avoid stressful situations by taking charge of the circumstances and try to reach a compromise. However, don’t think that by having to go to court you have failed or that you are not going to get a fair hearing. Court is just another way of formalising arrangements, you will be given the opportunity to be heard.

Things to Remember

The outcome may not be totally what you want, and you must come to the mediation ready to discuss all the options. Try to be flexible about arrangements. This is not to say that you should just take what is offered and be happy, but be prepared to justify your reasoning and to compromise. Once you have reached the agreement, try to make it work. It seems obvious to say, but give it a chance. Chopping and changing arrangements is not good for children and it is not good for you. You have to try to see the benefits of what you have agreed before you condemn it. Your children have to have routine at what will be a very confusing and difficult time.

Mediation is confidential and worthwhile; there is nothing to lose and, potentially, a lot to gain. Best of all is an agreement that you and your ex partner can work with to make sure your children are best provided for at a distressing and confusing time.

Check out our tips for using mediation effectively.