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Shared Custody of Your Children

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 25 Jul 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Contact Residency Visitation Custody

There are numerous questions surrounding shared custody. What is it? How does it work? And how is it different to contact (as visitation is called these days)?

In many instances, residence (custody) is granted to the mother, and you, as the father have your contact rights set out. With shared custody, your children split their time between their mother and you. The amount varies – it can be as much as 70% with the mother, for instance – but it means you have much greater contact with them. It presumes, of course, that both the mother and father are fit parents.

UK Lagging Behind

It’s an idea that has widespread popularity in Europe, and in the U.S. it’s becoming more common, although the UK has lagged behind in adopting it.

Shared custody demands a high level of commitment from both parents. If you’re going to have your children for three days a week, then during that time you have you need to make sure your schedule revolves around them.

The Advantages of Shared Custody

Shared custody, shared residency or shared parenting as it's also known, can offer several distinct advantages, both for parents and children. For separated fathers, it means they can be far more involved with their children, seeing them on a regular, extended basis every week. Moreover, it also means that neither parent is carrying the entire burden of parenting while the other is considered absent.

With standard Contact Orders, one parent has the majority of responsibility for the day-to-day routine, while the other – usually the separated father – sees the children at the weekend or selected weekdays.

Shared custody means your Children Have Two Homes, two stable bases where they can feel secure. Above all, it means they continue to have a real family life with both parents, which makes them feel more loved.

Research has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children.

The Disadvantages of Shared Custody

For shared custody to work, you have to live fairly close to you ex, for your children to continue to attend the same schools, see their friends, and so on. This can create social problems for the parents, since proximity means an increased chance of contact with your Ex Partner.

Also, if your job or circumstances change and you have to move elsewhere, then the change from shared custody to contact can create emotional problems for your children (the same can apply if your ex has to move for any reason). In other words, by its nature there has to be a certain amount of flexibility in the plan.

Shared Custody in the UK

At present, shared custody/residency is not the norm in Britain, although several organisations are trying to increase its visibility and prominence. The Shared Parenting Information Net and the Equal Parenting Council are both working to make it a very acceptable option here.

Just because it's not necessarily the norm, does not mean you can’t bring up the idea in Mediation or through your solicitor as a viable means of custody. In most instances, children are also given a say in where they spend their time, and where they have excellent relationships with both parents, it means they’re not in a position where they have to “choose” between Mum and Dad.

What Next?

Why not have a read through our article on Making Joint Decisions About Your Child's Future for some advice and guidance on how you and your ex partner can make parenting decisions together.

Separated Dads Chat Room & Forum

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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[Add a Comment]
My son's partner of over 10 years started an affair with a guy she works with and she ended it with my son just before Christmas, the new boyfriend moved in and it has been hellever since then, my son has discovered she is leaving my grandson alone with the new boyfriend is there anything my son can do about this ? she dictates to my son who my grandson can have contact with when he is with his Daddy
Mama - 25-Jul-17 @ 12:15 PM
can you please advise.. my ex refuse contact. he is using our 10years old daughter as a messenger. he told her he is going away and wi see her on wednesday instead of thursday.. ( the days he decided to see her are tuesday. thursday and sunday. 3hrs each) its not the first time i have to cancel our plans so she get to see her dad. and so he can go on holidays.. he always wait the day before if not the same day to let me know. i had my first meeting with a mediator but he hasnt.. he doesnt call mediator back even so she send letter and called him.. what are mh next step?if i were to aske for sole physical residency would i get it? we have been separated 18 monthd and not onceas he ask for her to spend a night.. i am totally at lost.. i am the primary carer( drop at school and pick up from school. i make all the dentist/doctor appointments. i organise childcare when needed. since started school in september he only had her 18 hrs( 8.30 till2.30) on a half term but he has been taking about 10 days off so far for him to go on hokidays.. i please advice. thanks.
Dyffy - 24-Jul-17 @ 6:40 PM
Martin - Your Question:
My wife wants a divorce, we have 2 children (11 and 9). I want 50/50 access where I have them 1 or 2 weeks then their mum has them for 1 or 2 weeks. My wife has says that her solicitor has informed her that the courts are unlikely to agree to this and that it will need to be more like a 70 / 30 split. Is this true or is she just saying that to try getting me to back down from that idea of 50 / 50 access? I intend to get a house near to the kids' schools.

Our Response:
If you cannot negotiate access between you, then you should suggest mediation to try to come to an agreement, please see link here . Only if you cannot come to an agreement or your ex refuses to attend should court be explored as a last resort. The court will always decide what it thinks is in your children's best interests. If you currently or previously shared the day-to-day care of your child, then the court is more likely to opt for consistency. If the mother is generally the day-to-day carer of your children, then you are more than likely to be awarded an access arrangement.
SeparatedDads - 24-Jul-17 @ 3:04 PM
My wife wants a divorce, we have 2 children (11 and 9).I want 50/50 access where I have them 1 or 2weeks then their mum has them for 1 or 2 weeks.My wife has says that her solicitor has informed her that the courts are unlikely to agree to this and that it will need to be more like a 70 / 30 split.Is this true or is she just saying that to try getting me to back down from that idea of 50 / 50 access?.I intend to get a house near to the kids' schools.
Martin - 23-Jul-17 @ 2:46 AM
Rorysrocket - Your Question:
Hi, I currently have a shared arrangement for my 4 year old son. I have him Friday evenings to Tuesday mornings.But when his mother and I split up I signed over primary caregiver status to her so that she could claim benefits in order to make things easier for her.At the time I was receiving working tax credit. This stopped once I handed over the caregiver status and my earnings no longer met the threshold to qualify for it. I now get no support yet still have the same out goings. I've been told this can be resolved but I can't find any info on it. Can any here advise me? It's really made things very difficult for me.I did try to join your forum but was told I look like a spammer which I'm not.

Our Response:
I'm afraid only one parent can receive working tax credit, the primary carer. I can only suggest you negotiate with your ex to share the amount, or one of you receive child benefit and the other WTC. If you cannot agree between you, then mediation is the next port of call.
SeparatedDads - 20-Jul-17 @ 2:12 PM
Hi, I currently have a shared arrangement for my 4 year old son. I have him Friday evenings to Tuesday mornings. But when his mother and I split up I signed over primary caregiver status to her so that she could claim benefits in order to make things easier for her. At the time i was receiving working tax credit. This stopped once I handed over the caregiver status and my earnings no longer met the threshold to qualify for it. I now get no support yet still have the same out goings. I've been told this can be resolved but I can't find any info on it. Can any here advise me? It's really made things very difficult for me. I did try to join your forum but was told I look like a spammer which I'm not.
Rorysrocket - 19-Jul-17 @ 9:56 PM
Hi, I'm after some advice please, I split from my wife two years ago and I left her everything and had to start again, I moved in to a one bed council flat, I have my two kids one night a week, I have an 11 yr old boy and a 9 yr old girl, It's becoming hard with the 3 of us in one room, I asked the council if I could have a two bed house and they told me to provide proof I have them so my ex wrote a letter and signed it, They then said a few weeks later that I am not entitled because it's only one night a week? Does anyone know how many nights a week I could have them in order to possibly get an extra room? I have thought about going private but I had a stroke after the breakup and had to go on sickness benefits so I can't afford it unfortunately. Thanks in advance.
Matt - 19-Jul-17 @ 3:23 PM
Hi my son and I have shared custodyof his three childrenaged 6 5 and 2 I work 40 hours per weekam I entitledtoany help
The - 15-Jul-17 @ 12:02 AM
Boomer888 - Your Question:
Hi,I have a current contact order in place whereby I see my daughter 4 days / 3 nights in every 10. I recently asked the courts to extend this to 50/50, the relationship between the mother and I is acrimonious at best to the point whereby she argues everything to the Nth degree. This has led to the court appointing a guardian from CAFCASS this is worrying as previously I have only seen them almost acting on my ex partners behalf. Will the guardian be a normal CARCASS officer or are they specific to that role, when the talk to my child will they take into consideration that mum manipulates her into saying what she wants and surely there would be a human rights issue if they denied me 50% access to my child without very good reasoning. I am going for this access as it is as much as I can around working and as a direct result of bringing stability to my little girls life. We live within 5 miles of each other. I know this is sometimes raised when arguing these cases.Many thanksLee

Our Response:
We cannot comment directly on the workings of Cafcass. However, we can direct you to the link: What Goes into the Cafcass Family Report? This may give you more information here regarding the role of Cafcass.
SeparatedDads - 13-Jul-17 @ 12:37 PM
Hi, I have a current contact order in place whereby I see my daughter 4 days / 3 nights in every 10. I recently asked the courts to extend this to 50/50, the relationship between the mother and I is acrimonious at best to the point whereby she argues everything to the Nth degree. This has led to the court appointing a guardian from CAFCASS this is worrying as previously i have only seen them almost acting on my ex partners behalf. Will the guardian be a normal CARCASS officer or are they specific to that role, when the talk to my child will they take into consideration that mum manipulates her into saying what she wants and surely there would be a human rights issue if they denied me 50% access to my child without very good reasoning. I am going for this access as it is as much as I can around working and as a direct result of bringing stability to my little girls life. We live within 5 miles of each other.. I know this is sometimes raised when arguing these cases. Many thanks Lee
Boomer888 - 12-Jul-17 @ 6:32 AM
Hi All, I have a shared parenting order with a 6-0/40 split in the favour of my ex, my kids are 13,10 and 8 and they are continuously vocal about wanting more time. The eldest has recently started voting with his feet turning up at mine when he should be with his mum and refusing to go home with her when she shows up. The ex will not discuss the situation with the children, me or a mediator and I fear this is only going to get worse as the younger ones are getting more and more vocal. any advice folks????
justdoingwhatsbest - 7-Jul-17 @ 2:31 PM
Scott - Your Question:
Hi - I got divorced just over 6 years ago - I have 2 children 18 and almost 14. I have always had joint custody of both and consent order was issued in the divorce stating this. My Eldest child now pretty much spends most of the time with me, due to studying which makes life easier. Everything has been fine, but just recently my ex has kept talking about my youngest staying there during the week, and that I may only see her once a fortnight, which obviously I am not happy about at all. I spoke to my youngest about it, and was told Mum will be lonely and wants to see more of me - Since this has come to light, my Eldest told me in confidence that their Mother has been talking a lot about loss of revenue as my eldest is now officially an adult - Maybe with regards to Child Benefit (Which she has always had from day 1) or Child Tax Credit - I'm not sure. Anyway my question is, can she just change the custody without my permission. I fear it maybe more for financial reasons, which is disgraceful.

Our Response:
If your ex decides to withhold access and breach the consent order, you may wish to ask a solicitor to write a letter to your ex reminding her of the terms of the agreement and that you will not hesitate to refer the matter back to court if she reneges on it. Finances and child access have no bearing upon each other. You don't say whether you are paying your ex child maintenance as it's only really this which would have an influence on the amount your ex would be paid, should you have your daughter less overnight. On another note, perhaps your ex is lonely if your son is living with your full-time and this matter is more one for mutual negotiation rather than coming down with a sledgehammer approach. It's easy to jump to conclusions when a simple discussion might resolve the issue easily and amicably.
SeparatedDads - 4-Jul-17 @ 2:08 PM
Hi - I got divorced just over 6 years ago - I have 2 children 18 and almost 14.I have always had joint custody of both and consent order was issued in the divorce stating this. My Eldest child now pretty much spends most of the time with me, due to studying which makes life easier. Everything has been fine, but just recently my ex has kept talking about my youngest staying there during the week, and that I may only see her once a fortnight, which obviously I am not happy about at all. I spoke to my youngest about it, and was told Mum will be lonely and wants to see more of me - Since this has come to light, my Eldest told me in confidence that their Mother has been talking a lot about loss of revenue as my eldest is now officially an adult - Maybe with regards to Child Benefit (Which she has always had from day 1) or Child Tax Credit - I'm not sure. Anyway my question is, can she just change the custody without my permission. I fear it maybe more for financial reasons, which is disgraceful.
Scott - 4-Jul-17 @ 7:28 AM
JP - Your Question:
Hello. I hope you can help me. I have joint custody of my two children. It was agreed in court back in 2016. Im planning on taking a break and going away for 3 months at the end of this year. Would that be possible or would I have to give full custody to their mother ?, Thanks.

Our Response:
Any changes to a contact order must be agreed by both parties. One party cannot unilaterally decide to change the order or apply additional terms. If they wish to do so, they will need to refer the matter back to the courts. Shared care means both parents sharing the care of your children. If you leave the country for a period of time without prior agreement and/or an agreement with your ex to pick up the court order where you left off when you return, it essentially renders the original court order null and void. This means if your ex refuses to adhere to the original court order when you return, you would have to take the matter back to court. However, there is no guarantee you would be awarded the same court order as before you left. Therefore, it is advisable that you apply to court for a variation/specific issue order to request the courts vary the order for a three month period of time. When making the decision, the courts will decide upon what it thinks is in your children's best interests.
SeparatedDads - 30-Jun-17 @ 11:48 AM
Hello. I hope you can help me. I have joint custody of my two children. It was agreed in court back in 2016. Im planning on taking a break and going away for 3 months at the end of this year. Would that be possible or would i have to give full custody to their mother ?, Thanks.
JP - 29-Jun-17 @ 5:31 PM
Petra - Your Question:
Hello,After separating I was the main carer of my daughter however she started really missing her dad and complaining that she hardly sees him. In my country it's quite common to share custody equally and I have offered to try it out till end of September. So we agreed a week here and a week there. Though it's early days It seems to work well. She seems more relaxed, less tensed.If we make it permanent my ex will need to move as at the moment they are sharing a room at his mum house and if they move he would like to claim housing benefit. I work part time and renting our home too. I receive some housing benefit, child tax credit and the childcare element of the working tax credit. What I read online it seems to me that child benefit and tax credit cannot be claimed by both parents. Is it correct? Can Housing benefit be claimed by both of us?

Our Response:
Child tax credit and child benefit cannot be claimed by both parents. The father of your child should be able to claim housing benefit. However, this could be reduced if he takes up a council or social housing home and has a spare bedroom, as he will be subjected to bedroom tax, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 29-Jun-17 @ 10:36 AM
Hello, After separating I was the main carer of my daughter however she started really missing her dad and complaining that she hardly sees him. In my country it's quite common to share custody equally and I have offered to try it out till end of September. So we agreed a week here and a week there. Though it's early days It seems to work well. She seems more relaxed, less tensed. If we make it permanent my ex will need to move as at the moment they are sharing a room at his mum house and if they move he would like to claim housing benefit. I work part time and renting our home too. I receive some housing benefit, child tax credit and the childcare element of the working tax credit. What I read online it seems to me that child benefit and tax credit cannot be claimed by both parents. Is it correct? Can Housing benefit be claimed by both of us?
Petra - 27-Jun-17 @ 11:16 AM
Rosso - Your Question:
Hi how would I go about getting something in black and white on my rights as father ?Also how do I go about taking my ex parnter to court For weekends For joint custody CostsAnd just general information please.

Our Response:
You will find all the information you will need across the Separated Dads pages. If you want to come to a set agreement with your ex over childcare, then mediation is your first port of call, please see link here. Only if your ex refuses mediation will you be allowed to apply to court. Costs vary dependent upon the complexity of the case and if you can't afford legal fees, self litigation is an option, please see link here. You may also be able to get a reduction in court fees if you are on a low, or have no income, please see link here. I hope this helps answer your questions.
SeparatedDads - 12-Jun-17 @ 2:15 PM
Rosso - Your Question:
Hi I recently changed my job. I now work 6 days and 3 off rotating.Since I changed my ex parnter is give me nothing but greaf. I ask her before I made rhe change and she agreed it would be better for me.Now ive done it she is saying she os going to deny me access to see our boys ,if.i don't pick set days. The question I have is can my ex do this ?

Our Response:
It sounds like this is an issue best solved via mediation, please see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here. Parenting works both ways and you need to try to come to a compromise on what is best for your kids. If your new working rota is messing with routine and the day-to-day childcare structure, then you can possibly understand her frustration, especially if she may personally be having to re-arrange her own working days to suit your new rota.
SeparatedDads - 12-Jun-17 @ 2:04 PM
Hi how would I go about getting something in black and white on my rights as father ? Also how do I go about taking my ex parnter to court For weekends For joint custody Costs And just general information please.
Rosso - 10-Jun-17 @ 9:44 AM
Hi I recently changed my job . I now work 6 days and 3 off rotating .Since I changed my ex parnter is give me nothing but greaf. I ask her before i made rhe change and she agreed it would be better for me .Now ive done it she is saying she os going to denyme access to see ourboys ,if.i don't pick set days. The question I have is can my ex do this ?
Rosso - 10-Jun-17 @ 9:35 AM
I split with my ex 8 years ago we have 50/50 custody my problem is my housing will not regime me into a 3 bedroom house I have a 3 yr old daughter who lives with me permently but my son is 13 I'm in a 2 bedroom upstairs flat my son has the 1 bedroom and my daughter is in with me still they say I don't need a 3 bedroom house because my son is a split custody child I just don't get it has anyone any advice please
em - 6-Jun-17 @ 5:59 PM
I have equal 50/50 custody of my youngest daughter who's 16-years-old. Under the old CSA rules I wasn't legally obligated to pay any maintenance - at least according to the calculator they had on their website. Out of sheer good will, I offered to pay my ex £300 per month for the two weeks per month that she had custody of my daughter. Now she's 16 and leaving school I decided that the payments should stop altogether as my ex had benefitted significantly in financial terms from the split and it was time to stand on her own two feet. Now, under the new CMS rules (my ex got straight in touch with them), I've been told that I have to pay £2,649.90 a year until she's 18. It's less than I was paying but I'm struggling to understand how the CMS can justify changing the rules from a situation where legally there was no requirement to pay maintenance to one where I now have to pay more than two and a half grand. For the two weeks per month that I look after my daughter I'm the main point of contact at all times and my ex has nothing to do with her care. I'm now left feeling rather bitter and frustrated that the system seems to have given me a kicking like this.
Aguerooooo - 4-Jun-17 @ 6:48 PM
Hannah - Your Question:
My partner has four children, three of which live with us under a child arrangement order and the eledist lives with her grandmother, again under a child arrangement order. Nothing was ever said in court about how many nights the eledist is able to stay at her mothers but we have noticed she is there more and more which is not what was agreed as the mothers partner poses a risk and has to be supervised when around the eledist at all times. Does anyone know how many nights a child is allowed to stay with their parent without it being classed as them moving back. Thank you

Our Response:
There is no specific laws here. If your partner feels the arrangement is unhealthy, he can prevent his daughter staying with her mother so often whilst his daughter is under 18.
SeparatedDads - 1-Jun-17 @ 12:06 PM
My partner has four children, three of which live with us under a child arrangement order and the eledist lives with her grandmother, again under a child arrangement order. Nothing was ever said in court about how many nights the eledist is able to stay at her mothers but we have noticed she is there more and more which is not what was agreed as the mothers partner poses a risk and has to be supervised when around the eledist at all times. Does anyone know how many nights a child is allowed to stay with their parent without it being classed as them moving back. Thank you
Hannah - 31-May-17 @ 7:06 PM
jooles - Your Question:
HI, I split with my ex 4 years ago.my 2 kids live with him, due to me working shift patterns, it's not feasible for them to live with me full time.Anyway, I currently have them every other weekend and during the holidays. My days off aren't set, so it's been hard work trying to get the weekends off, swapping jobs and using lieu days, whereas he works monday - friday, 9-5!! But now, my shift pattern has changed as I've changed jobs. Ive shown him a copy of my new shift pattern which is a 9 week rolling pattern. My ex is now saying that it's not acceptable and won't budge from the alternate weekends, even tho my new shift pattern means I can see my kids more, albeit during the week. There are some occasions where my days off fall over the weekend, but there are also some that are during the week.Is he being unreasonable?Where do I stand with this? Can anyone offer some words of wisdom please as I'm struggling with this. Thanks in advance.Sorry I've just realised that this is separated dad's forum.whereas I'm a separated mum, although I hope this doesn't make a difference.

Our Response:
It doesn't make a difference that you are on Separated Dads, a separated parent is a separated parent and we are happy to give guidance to all. If your ex will not agree to the changes you have put forward, then you would (in the first instance) have to suggest mediation in order to try to resolve the issue via a third party, please see link here. If your ex refuses to attend mediation, then you will have the option to apply to court. The court will always decide upon what it thinks is in your children's best interests - but once a court order is in place, neither you or your ex will be able to change it (unless via mutual agreement or unless you refer it back to the courts). A court will take your work pattern into consideration and try to work around this where possible. This is why a out-of-court agreement is a much better and less costlier one than court. Alternatively, you could ask a solicitor to write your ex a letter outlining this and hope that your ex takes heed.
SeparatedDads - 30-May-17 @ 2:36 PM
HI, I split with my ex 4 years ago...my 2 kids live with him, due to me working shift patterns, it's not feasible for them to live with me full time. Anyway, I currently have them every other weekend and during the holidays.My days off aren't set, so it's been hard work trying to get the weekends off, swapping jobs and using lieu days, whereas he works monday - friday, 9-5!! But now, my shift pattern has changed as I've changed jobs. Ive shown him a copy of my new shift pattern which is a 9 week rolling pattern. My ex is now saying that it's not acceptable and won't budge from the alternate weekends, even tho my new shift pattern means I can see my kids more, albeit during the week. There are some occasions where my days off fall over the weekend, but there are also some that are during the week. Is he being unreasonable? Where do I stand with this? Can anyone offer some words of wisdom please as I'm struggling with this. Thanks in advance. Sorry I've just realised that this is separated dad's forum...whereas I'm a separated mum, although I hope this doesn't make a difference..
jooles - 28-May-17 @ 2:05 PM
Dave.dave.1981 - Your Question:
I am splitting from my partner. We are not married but have a 3 yo. I want to have custody of my son either shared times or at suitable weekends for her. I want to be able to take my son to visit my parents who live a few hours away without her interfering. What is the best way to have this as a right she cant refuse

Our Response:
Your best option is to try to reach a mutual agreement regarding when you should have access. If you cannot agree, mediation is the next option. Trying to develop an amicable and trusting relationship is always the best way around the situation, please see link here. While a court order may offer rigid times, it is a) at the discretion of the court what those times will be and b) an application to court is seen as the last resort after all other options have been attempted.
SeparatedDads - 25-May-17 @ 1:42 PM
rocky123 - Your Question:
Hi AllI split from my ex wife 3 years ago. I custody of one of my 4 children 1 of which has recently returned to my ex wife based on his wishes.As it stands she has agreed a court order after a 3 year battle. 142 nights to child maintenance service and now trying to backtrack to 87 nights to a private arrangement.I have my children 150 nights. My ex is claiming 8000 of benefits tax credit child benefit which is technically for my shared care how can I challenge it.It costs me 80 a month in fuel for contact I have asked for a variation to ensure this cost is reimburst but I need a court order to ensure tax credit and child benefit is equally shared. Does anyone what I need to do?

Our Response:
As a rule tax credits and child benefit is paid directly to the primary carer (even if you 'theoretically' have shared care benefits are paid to the person who receives child benefit). You may wish to ask other dads if they can contribute any advice via the Separated Dads forum. Otherwise, you would have to seek professional legal advice to see whether you have a case to answer.
SeparatedDads - 22-May-17 @ 1:41 PM
Hi All I split from my ex wife 3 years ago. I custody of one of my 4 children 1 of which has recently returned to my ex wife based on his wishes. As it stands she has agreed a court order after a 3 year battle. 142 nights to child maintenance service and now trying to backtrack to 87 nights to a private arrangement. I have my children 150 nights. My ex is claiming 8000 of benefits tax credit child benefit which is technically for my shared care how can I challenge it. It costs me 80 a month in fuel for contact I have asked for a variation to ensure this cost is reimburst but I need a court order to ensure tax credit and child benefit is equally shared. Does anyone what I need to do?
rocky123 - 21-May-17 @ 11:46 PM
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