Shared Custody of Your Children
There are numerous questions surrounding shared custody. What is it? How does it work? And how is it different to contact (as visitation is called these days)?
In most instances, residence (custody) is granted to the mother, and you, as the father have your contact rights set out. With shared custody, your children split their time between their mother and you. The amount varies – it can be as much as 70% with the mother, for instance – but it means you have much greater contact with them. It presumes, of course, that both the mother and father are fit parents.
It’s an idea that has widespread popularity in Europe, and in the U.S. it’s becoming more common, although the UK has lagged behind in adopting it.
Shared custody does demand a big level of commitment from both parents. If you’re going to have your children for three days a week, then during that time you have you need to make sure your schedule revolves around them.
The Advantages of Shared Custody
Shared custody, or shared parenting as it’s also known, can offer several distinct advantages, both for parents and children. For separated fathers, it means they can be far more involved with their children, seeing them on a regular, extended basis every week. Moreover, it also means that neither parent is carrying the entire burden of parenting while the other is considered absent.With standard Contact Orders, one parent has the majority of responsibility for the day-to-day routine, while the other – usually the separated father – sees the children at the weekend.
Shared custody means your Children Have Two Homes, two stable bases where they can feel secure. Above all, it means they continue to have a real family life with both parents, which makes them feel more loved.
Research carried out in America has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children.
The Disadvantages of Shared Custody
For shared custody to work, you have to live fairly close to you ex , for your children to continue to attend the same schools, see their friends, and so on. This can create social problems for the parents, since proximity means an increased chance of contact with you Ex Partner.Also, if your job or circumstances change and you have to move elsewhere, then the change from shared custody to contact can create emotional problems for your children (the same can apply if your ex has to move for any reason). In other words, by its nature there has to be a certain amount of flexibility in the plan.
Shared Custody in the UK
At present, shared custody is not the norm in Britain, although several organisations are trying to increase its visibility and prominence. The Shared Parenting Information Net and the Equal Parenting Council are both working to make it a very acceptable option here.However, that doesn’t mean you can’t bring up the idea in Mediation or through your solicitor as a viable means of custody. In most instances, children are also given a say in where they spend their time, and where they have excellent relationships with both parents, it means they’re not in a position where they have to “choose” between Mum and Dad.
What Next?
Why not have a read through our article on Making Joint Decisions About Your Child's Future for some advice and guidance on how you and your ex partner can make parenting decisions together.
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Comments...
HiMy husband want to divorce me but I do not want a divorce. I know I can't stop him. I'm a victim of domestic violence from last 7yrs. I love him with my wholeheart, but he can't forget her ex and after 2 weeks of marriage he started comparing me with her ex due to comparison our relation never got build up. We have 1 child 6yrs old. My husband is always threatening me that he will get the custody as he is financially sound and had his own house. We r leaving with his parents, he has bought a new house but had not taken me in his new house. No one is here from my side of family in this country. I had request him to have joint or shared custody but he say no he will have the full custody. He never let me take my son out. I had to ask him if I can't take him, he is moody most of the time he says no. My son is afraid of him, If I tell let's go to our temple my son says no mummy dad will be not happy and he will fight. My husband is very controlling. Pls advice me about my sons custody, I'm very afraid that my husband will get the full custody.
Jinder - 27 January 2012 @ 11:28 PM
Hi I am in need of Some help. right ex ran of with another man. and moved out of the family home. left me to have the children and she was having them week ends. at the time. I changed tax credit into my name and child benefit. one weekend she sent me a txt saying that I was not having the children no more. I had no choice in going to court. at the minute we have week on week off. intil its all sorted in court. she text me saying that I should give her all the money which I get on the week when she has the children. I agree that I should give her some money but not all the money becuase I still have to pay for water, tv, buying them clothes ,school tuck. ect.so what do I do? does she have a right to all of the money or some of it for food ect.hope someone can help me.
anth18 - 22 January 2012 @ 7:50 PM
Can our baby have british passport if we aren't british, im from Latvia, partner is Portuguese, we aren't maried, baby has father's surname on birth certificate, and we (parents) both live here in UK more than 5 years and we both have UK residence documentation for a national of an EEA state.
Mila - 9 January 2012 @ 5:14 PM
In the same boat as the rest of you currently share custody of 15 month old baby boy. ex has been trying to wind me up since I left him suffered mental abuse and violence while in marriage now found another person who I want to be with but ex isnt happy with that and now wants full custody which is unfair as I have kept to the arrangement dispite his taunts. Suffer from bad depression because of the abuse he says he will use that to prove im an unfit mother! Hes being very unfair to our son.
star - 7 January 2012 @ 7:52 PM
My son has arthritus and has been awarded a car on the motability scheme, I have my son 3 days a week and have to take him to hospital appointments over 100 miles away but my ex partner has insured her partner on the car. my car is unreliable and I am on a low income, am I right in thinking I should be able to use the car as the car is for my sons benefit
Devon - 8 December 2011 @ 11:13 PM
Been split with my x for a year, we have 2 children together boy 3 and girl 1,since our split I've had the children 3 1/2 days per week, it was a joint decision and a contract was made up through our solicitor, I paid for all the kids clothes, playgroup, nursery etc. Paid her maintainence every week but recently she has found out that I have a new girlfriend and everything has turned nasty, behind my back has cancelled my sons nursery place and took him to a different school without letting me know where and when he started, she has also shortened my contact down to just 4 days a month, can she do this? How will I stand in court if she puts kids in this new routine? Can anyone please help as I feel helpless waiting for the court date and heartbroken not seeing my kids.
Cstanf - 20 October 2011 @ 10:17 PM
My ex and I split over 3 years ago, he now has more children but lives at his girlfriends mum's house. Our son doesn't have a bed to himself let alone his own room. I have no family around me as they all live close to london. My son's aloud to watch things on telly when at his dads that even I wouldn't watch! I need to move closer to family but that would take my son over 40miles away from his fathers home, and the last thing I want to do is stop him from seeing his dad. But at the same time the lack of a bed and being aloud to watch anything and everything when he's there worrys me. What do I do?? He was abusive to me when we were together and I always get ganged up on by his family so feel very much alone. Some one please help me. I just want whats best for my boy! :(
Lottie3 - 18 October 2011 @ 3:01 PM
Shared residency is not a good idea at all, cafcass have ruined my life since they gave my ex partner shared residency he constantly abuses it and there is nothing I can do about it. It's the kids who are suffering and my two oldest have gone to live with their dad due to him not disciplining them, it's is very open to abuse, sadly.
missgarside - 3 October 2011 @ 12:00 PM
Just like to say that I am in the same boat as "monkey" and I also don't understand the logic of having to pay csa. The worst bit is when you know that the mother is getting about £4000 per year family tax credit and child benifit of around £1000 and of course the csa money the mother gets and this is on top of her wage of around £15000 take home pay. which of course surpasses my take home pay by about £4000.
tig - 30 September 2011 @ 9:27 PM
I'm lucky enough to have my daughter as many nights as I can, i'll soon be swaping my shift patterns and i'll be able to have her overnight 6 months of the year, but when I looked on the csa website I'd still have to pay my ex £104 pounds a month and I was wondering why I'd have to pay anything as we'd have joint custody?
monkey - 19 September 2011 @ 7:40 AM
I share custody of my daughter with my ex husband which was good idea at the beginning until he got married and procreated 2 more kids and the wife started a campaign of mental abuse towards my 10 yr old daughter!! calling her names, shouting at her and you name it, I have spoken to my ex but does not believe me nor my daughter and he only thinks that little one is telling stories, my girl is going through depression and begs and cries for me to do something to bring her to leave with me and my husband for good... but with the share custody seems that everything is impossible specially when my ex keeps telling me that I will never gain full custody because I am a foreigner and if I try to do something he will take her away from me and I will be sent back to my country!!! I have been leaving here since 1996 and I have been bless with a fantastic Job and a Lovely Husband which happens to be English so I don't really understand how my ex husband can say that I will loose my daughter because I am a foreigner!! any way joint custody can be good but when you are going through some situation like mine seems that you are trapped and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel!! because at the end of the day I am here to protect my daughter of any danger and I do believe that my ex's wife is capable of harming my daughter!!! is anybody I can talk to get some help???
a.sch. - 28 July 2011 @ 9:43 PM
I am fighting through the courts the chance just to see my only child my son
I do not have much money whereas my former wife gets legal aid she has made up allegations against me in order to stop my son seeing me. I could see him st a contact centre but that eas forced on her by the judge now she has even managed to stop that I don't have any funds to fight a legal case and. I have no legal help therefore please help
a1Oscar - 6 July 2011 @ 12:17 AM
I was brought up by my Mother on Social Security with little Father involvement.I am now 60 years old and nothing has changed children are very likely to pay the price for their parents failings.An automatic system should be brought in where the working parent has to pay from the time of the break up 10% of his or her wage to the daily parent, Infact this money could be taken from source. A minimum of a weekend every two weeks given to the non living in parent. If parents can not agree after six months to a system to share custody and control, it should then be imposed on both parties.Ist families should be given finanial precidence, if monies are not paid, they should be acrued as a debt and debt should not be wiped out by any law or any time restraint.Both parties made the child.Both parents should have to take responcibility wether or not they want to. If such an automatic system was to be used one parent would not be able to cut out the other. Walk away parents would not be able to do so. Children should have the right not to live in abject poverty, feeling emotionally negleted!
Haze - 8 June 2011 @ 12:53 AM
To read Alistair's comment, it heartens me to see that this type of arrangement is possible. My ex has constantly refused all but the most basic of contact. I've moved heaven and earth to set things up so that arrangements could be exactly like what Alistair describes but to only meet with wholesale resistence. I will keep trying however because otherwise, I feel that I am letting my little girl down if I don't. If anyone has any suggestions as to how spiteful/vindictive ex's and courts can be persuaded, I would welcome them.
Chas - 21 May 2011 @ 12:20 PM
Our children enjoy a shared custody arrangement spending alternate weeks with me and their mother, we attend church as a family every Sunday spend family birthdays together. At Christmas we worked it so the boys had 2 Christmas days, one day with my ex and her partner at hers and 1 day with their mum and me at mine. We are going on a family holiday together as well. We also try and work our arrangement around each other, if I have to go away , we swap weeks. It means we both can get a break. Both our boys respect us, they are lucky they have 2 homes, 2 lots of toys and 2 loving parents. So yes shared custody works, as parents you have to forget any resentment grow up and realise the most important thing is the children. Its a shame the government and local authorities don't recognise equal custody arrangements.
Alastair Perkins - 15 March 2011 @ 12:52 PM
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