What Can I Do to Help My Daughter?

Q.

Since separating from my ex wife I had contact with my daughter every weekend on the condition that I do not take her round to the home I share with my present wife.

This has been going on for 3 years now and although my daughter would love to come around she won't for fear of upsetting her mother, as she has clearly stated my daughter will be kicked out and she will disown her if she does.

Obviously this is distressing for my daughter. She has just come out of hospital and will be off her feet for a few weeks but my ex wife has decided that my daughter cannot contact me as my ex does not want me to know how she is doing?

Does she have the right to do this? My daughter is 16 and always arguing with my ex as she is constantly putting me and my family down. My daughter is scared to do anything, what can I do to help?

A.

This is a very delicate situation, and you’re going to have to tread very warily. Your ex wife is apparently still very bitter at you, and certainly unhappy about your remarriage, and unfortunately your daughter has become a pawn in this, forced to side with her mother if she wants somewhere to live.

Both you and your ex have parental responsibility for your daughter, but in practical and legal terms, the exercise of that diminishes as the child approaches legal adulthood – 18 years of age. This means that any court would give a lot of weight to your daughter’s wishes, should you wish to apply to the court for a contact order allowing your daughter to come to your home. However, before you consider that, you’d be wise to take time and talk to a solicitor.

The ultimate problem with going to court, of course, is that your ex could disown your daughter. Have you considered the idea of her coming to live with you and your wife? Although the law isn’t firm about children of 16 leaving home, it’s unlikely that any court would make her return to your ex, even if she applied for what’s known as an injunction in wardship proceedings. Again, though, if your ex followed through on her threat to disown the girl, she’d then be cut off from her mother. That said, if they’re constantly arguing, your daughter might feel better off in a new home where there’s less tension, and in time her mother might come around.

The very best way to try and sort this out is for you and your ex to sit down together and try to work things through. But if three years haven’t mellowed her, the chances for a breakthrough now are quite slim.

In less than two years your daughter will legally be an adult and fully able to make her own choices. At the moment that must seem a long way off to her, and to you; she’s torn between both parents, wanting to love and please both of you, but unable to do so.

There is no easy or simple solution in this case. Whatever the outcome someone will be hurt.

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