Living With Your Ex

Living with your ex is a far from ideal situation. It is, however, a reality that more and more people are having to face in this economic climate.

The most common reason for people having to live with their ex is a financial one; that they need to raise enough funds to move out. It may be the case that you have a mortgage together, and that you need to wait until the house is sold before either of you can move out. It may be the case that you cannot raise funds for a deposit, or afford to pay for new furniture for your new home. There are many things for you to consider. Here are a number of hints and tips to help you to survive living with your ex.

Can you really live with your ex?

You must thoroughly think through and decide whether you really can live with your ex. In circumstances where you have been subject to physical, verbal or emotional abuse then you may have no option but to leave. If the circumstance is so unbearable, then maybe you should consider whether you can move in with a family member or a friend temporarily. You may also be able to find a room to rent in a house share if finances allow it, just until you get back on your feet. It is good to keep all options open.

Communication

It is really important to try and communicate calmly and fairly. This is clearly easier said than done, however, it is important if you are to try and work things out with your ex. If something is upsetting you and vice versa, then you need to sit down and talk through it. The more you communicate, the more you can hopefully agree and the smoother the separation process will be.

Play fair

Think sensibly. If you bring a date or new partner to the house whilst you ex is there, then your ex is bound to be upset. You need to respect each other's feelings and cooperate with each other if you are to get along together. Remember that even if your ex says they are happy with something, for example, you dating someone else, they are likely to still be upset about it in some way deep down. You can be open with your ex-partner, without giving too much detail and upsetting them. It is about creating boundaries and sticking to them.

Ground rules

It is always useful to have a chat and discuss some ground rules. That way, you know exactly what the boundaries are, you have communicated your feelings with each other and everything should go smoothly. One rule might be that your ex does not want to know if you are dating again. Maybe, once each week, you would both like an evening with the house to yourself for some "me" time. You may also decide that you will both contribute to the groceries or that you will buy your own. There are many issues to consider.

Children always come first

One mistake which is unfortunately made by many parents, is parental alienation, where one parent purposely (or sub-consciously) alienates the children from the other parent. This is extremely damaging to the relationship and will only result in upset for your child, which is clearly not in their best interest. Secondly, parents make the mistake of fighting with the children as an audience, which should be completely avoided.

It is important that both parents spend time with your children. If you can still do activities together as a family, then great. It will be much easier if your child still feels as though they are part of a family unit. If, however, it is too painful or awkward to spend time together with the children, then you must work out a weekly schedule or routine that you can stick to. Your ex might work late on a Wednesday night, for example, which gives you time to spend time in the home, or whilst you have some "me" time, your ex could take the children to the cinema or to see their grandparents. It can all work out if you work together.

Do not get too comfortable

If you are getting on well, then it can be easy to fall in to a trap of staying for the convenience, especially where children are concerned. Even though this might well be the case, whilst living together, it will be so difficult to move on with your new lives. You should continually be looking for a new flat or house and the ways and means to move forward. You should never stay together for the children.

Personal support

Remember that you are going through a tough time and it is likely that you will need some support, whether that be professional such as counselling, or just support from friends and family. It is good to talk and to get everything off your chest. You may also find support in terms of child care and perhaps financially.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.