How Do I Make My Ex See What He's Doing to the Kids?
Q.
I'm sure it's unusual for you to have a question from a mum, but I am at my wits end and I'm hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a dad's perspective. I split up with my kids' dad three years ago and at first things were ok. Hhe had access with his kids for 3 nights every 10 days, which had to be arranged every few months due to his shift work.
Over the years this arrangement has broken down, we have been through solicitors on two occasions and mediation but nothing seems to work.
We're at the point now where my children haven't seen their dad for four months. I do believe my ex wants access with his children but only on his terms, which has been detrimental to the children, and they have been extremely upset by some of his actions.
I really don't think he realises how much he's affecting them. Are there any organsations that can speak to him or is there something I can do?
A.
You’re right, this is a tough one. Obviously you’ve tried to work it out between the two of you and by including solicitors. There are no legal channels you can go through to insist on your ex seeing his kids. However, you seem to think he wants to see them, but only on his terms, although you don’t state what those are, or what actions of his have upset the kids – presumably not seeing them?
Your options are limited, really. You don’t mention it as a problem so it would seem that he Pays His Maintenance on time, which means you can’t complain about that to the CSA.
Odd as it might seem, your best bet might be to talk to a group like Families Need Fathers. Normally the type of problems they’d deal with would be fathers unable to get access to their children, but they might be able to offer some advice.
Another good thing to do is to find groups of divorced and separated parents in your area and ask them for advice. It’s possible others might have found themselves in the same situation and can offer strategies that might work.
Have you tried talking to his friends or family, if you’re still in contact with them? He might listen more to those who are closest to him. If you can explain the problem to them, they might be willing to work with you to help resolve it.
The crux of the problem would seem to be that your ex doesn’t understand how his lack of contact hurts his kids, who want to see him – and that you, too, want him to be involved with them, so there’s no conflict on that score. It can be impossible to convince someone who doesn’t want to see.
Ultimately, it could also be the case that your ex no longer wants to see his kids – a sad situation, but one that’s more common than you think. If that’s so, as long as he provides the agreed financial support, there’s very little you can do, other than prepare your kids for the worst and see them through it.
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