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The Psychological Effect of Separation on Children

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 27 Feb 2024 | comments*Discuss
 
Separation Children Depression Myths Boy

When parents are separating, one thing uppermost in the minds of both parties is how it will affect their children. Although around one-third of marriages end in divorce, there are plenty of instances where unhappy couples remain together for the sake of their children, just so they have both parents present as they grow.

But how does separation and divorce actually affect children? Is it inevitably as destructive as some people believe? There are plenty of ideas, such as boys taking it worse than girls, for instance. But there have also been plenty of studies into the effects of separation, which debunk a lot of myths, and also produce some interesting results.

One common factor is that children will generally experience a great deal of distress when the separation occurs, but over time they will adjust and that will fade. A number of factors can help that recovery.

The Main Psychological Problems

When separation occurs, it’s very typical for children to be unhappy and want their parents to remain together. That unhappiness can translate into low self-esteem, behavioural problems, and a sense of loss. However, if the parents take time to communicate with the children, explaining why the separation is happening, and show their love for them – and continued contact, so they don’t feel abandoned by the parent who moves out – these feelings usually disappear quickly.

That’s in the short term. There are also longer term effects that can result from separation or divorce. These, though, certainly don’t apply to all kids from separated families. There is a tendency to perform to a lower standard in school, which can eventually mean that as adults they won’t have good jobs. Children of separated families can also have greater ongoing problems with their behaviour. In general, they become sexually active at an earlier age, become pregnant younger, and experience greater levels of drinking, smoking, and drug use.

That said, it’s not always the separation itself that’s the main cause of all this. One major factor in all this is the life after separation, which can, at times, be low income. Where both parents remain very involved with the children, and very supportive of them – especially where there’s no tension between the parents – the outcomes are often very good indeed.

The Myths About Problems

One common preconception is that boys don’t adjust to separation as well as girls, but there’s been no evidence in studies to show any difference between the sexes in this. Similarly, it doesn’t seem to matter how old the child is when separation occurs, at least in terms of long-term outcome. Nor does the absence of one parent from the household necessarily mean an adverse effect on the development of the child, according to recent studies. All these are simply myths that have developed over time, with no basis in fact.

The Effects Of Relocation

As long as the absent parent remains in the same general area and there’s regular contact, it’s possible to maintain the semblance of a family. If the absent parent moves away, however, then that’s disrupted, and can mean unhappiness and depression for the child, with less frequent visits. It should be noted, though, that with teenagers, things like weekend visits often become less frequent anyway as they develop their own social circles that they wish to maintain.

Where it’s the child and resident parent relocating, the stress level is even higher, which is quite understandable. Not only is the child losing one parent, but he or she has to adjust to a new school and find new friends, leaving behind the old networks developed over years. The sudden lack of stability and continuity can bring academic and behavioural problems. Again, this isn’t always the case, but the Trauma Of Relocation can actually be greater than separation for some kids.

Separation isn’t easy, both for adults and children. But with care, consideration, and contact, the outcomes don’t have to be bad.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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cindybyrd - 21-Dec-22 @ 7:58 AM
My ex and I have been separated for about 3 years. Our daughter is now 7. Prior to the separation her and her mother had a close bond. Afterwards me and my daughter became much closer as her mother drifted further apart. Depression has made things difficult and my ex has gone through some stressful times and I recently felt like she was doing well. We've mostly have had good communication and usually have kept it very peaceful which I am so grateful for. She asked if I could watch our daughter as she had planned to be out of town for a week. My daughter was anxious and stressing. She began to explain that her mother was planning on taking her to live with her mothers boyfriend, either California or Florida. I couldn't believe it. I stayed calm and when called and asked her mother why she would say such a thing at first didn't want to discuss it until she returned. But then said that she would be moving and taking our daughter with her. Dismissing every concern about our daughter that I raised to her as of no importance and that it was something that she could handle. Even after the negative impact her 1st relationship had on our daughter. She has become someone I don't even recognize. Her short temper, cold, hurtful way she speaks I have never heard from her as long as I've known her. The amount of stress this could have on the child is too much for me to imagine. I have an attorney ready and I'm praying that we come to an agreement for our precious girl. She is the loveliest blessing God has lovingly bestowed upon my life. I'm sharingy story hoping it helps my anxiety. Anyone reading this may God bless you friend.
Anthony - 7-Nov-22 @ 10:36 AM
So i need to know the answer to what to do when you stay in the same area and your children ignore you , and demand that i leavethe person i was in a relationship with , if i didnt they refused to have anything to do with me , i am accused of abandonment called names whislt the father moved house a number of times so i did t know where they where also tried to put an order on me keeping me away from school ., So confused and hurt , i feel guilty for leaving a toxic situation.
Kel - 2-Mar-21 @ 12:40 PM
I am married for 14 years. I knew our relationship was toxic, but I never had a carriage to leave. Now we have a child below 2 years and I am ready to leave. I learnt that my relationship was toxic due to emotional abuse (which I never knew such a thing existed). I don't know how this will impact our little one. Will he continue his abuse using our child? I am such a difficult decision to make.
MyLife - 18-Jan-21 @ 1:17 PM
I 56 years old and my father walked out 50 years ago without a word and no contact ever since and it has negatively affected my life I have trust and respect ssues when it comes to men.How do I get ridof the anger
Dalyls Gma - 1-Dec-20 @ 1:02 AM
I've been married for 7 years now and have 4 wonderful children. They were the reason why I still keep moving and trying to make things work for this marriage. But it seems so hard as time went by, it is with a heavy heart that I constantly reminded that my husband was never been honest to me since day 1 of our marriage. When we are still dating, we came to a discussion about him if what would be my stand if he has a child with another woman during his previous relationship, and given that idea I clearly say that I don't want to get involve to someone who has a child cause I just gives me a notion that person is irresponsible and I hate it. and he said that it was just a question and it has nothing to do with him since he has none. And I believe him. All along our married life I was believed that it did not happen to him. But during our 5 years he confess that he has a child and that question he asked me was intentional. Look how selfish he was. I feel betrayed and I totally loose my trust on him. starting from that day on I don't like to spend time with him and having him around the house is such a burden to carry. I feel stress every time he demands conversation from me. I felt like I am suffering each day of my life. I don't want our kids to grow up on a broken family butI don't also want to live a life full of anger and stress. What will I do now? im just confused. if not because of our children im not pursuing this relationship. This is toxic and full of resentment
mommypen - 16-Sep-20 @ 3:27 AM
I've been married for 7 years now and have 4 wonderful children. They were the reason why I still keep moving and trying to make things work for this marriage. But it seems so hard as time went by, it is with a heavy heart that I constantly reminded that my husband was never been honest to me since day 1 of our marriage. When we are still dating, we came to a discussion about him if what would be my stand if he has a child with another woman during his previous relationship, and given that idea I clearly say that I don't want to get involve to someone who has a child cause I just gives me a notion that person is irresponsible and I hate it. and he said that it was just a question and it has nothing to do with him since he has none. And I believe him. All along our married life I was believed that it did not happen to him. But during our 5 years he confess that he has a child and that question he asked me was intentional. Look how selfish he was. I feel betrayed and I totally loose my trust on him. starting from that day on I don't like to spend time with him and having him around the house is such a burden to carry. I feel stress every time he demands conversation from me. I felt like I am suffering each day of my life. I don't want our kids to grow up on a broken family butI don't also want to live a life full of anger and stress. What will I do now? im just confused. if not because of our children im not pursuing this relationship. This is toxic and full of resentment
mommypen - 16-Sep-20 @ 3:27 AM
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stephanie - 30-Jul-20 @ 11:46 PM
I'm a 58 yr. old man. My parents divorced when I was 18 months old. My mother and I went to live with my Grandparents after the divorce. We lived in a two bedroom house with my Grandparents and my Aunt. My mother did her best to keep me from seeing my Dad. My Dad did everything in his power to try to keep seeing me. I don't ever remember a time when they didn't absolutely hate one another. I asked my mother once why she divorced my Dad. She said she really never loved him. Said he didn't do anything wrong, she just didn't love him. During that time I became very close to my Grandpa. He was a Milkman, and sometimes he would take me on his route. I absolutely loved him. He kind of stepped in where my Dad wasn't able to be there, and was a great Father figure to me. Fast forward 3-1/2 years and my mother married another man, named Wally. Wally was and still is a narcissistic bully. Life with Wally was all about Wally. He is a self-centered person. Wally hated me, and I hated him. That's all there was to it. He and my mother tried their best to train me to be like Wally, because Wally hated my Dad. But I was very stubborn, and I was not going to betray my Dad. So I fought back. I was stubborn, angry, full of hate for Wally and my mother for trying to turn me into something that I was not. The years went by, and things only got worse and worse. Wally whipped me with a belt for everything. And I mean everything...there was not mercy in Wally. He would constantly badger me, and when I had had enough I would react, then he'd whip me again for not submitting to his bullying. Wally never once said I love you, your doing a great job, I'm proud of you, or anything positive. I was a disappointment, period. Fast forward a few years and my half-sister, Lori, was born. Lori was Wally's little Princess, and made it known, that on no uncertain terms, was I to touch her. I couldn't hold her, or, if I was allowed to give her a kiss, it was only on her hand. There are no pictures of her and I together. Lori and I were never close as we were 7 years apart in age, and eventually I gave up on trying to be her brother. My God there is just so much crap that happened that, to this day, still affects me. Long story short, I was finally able to go live with my Dad when I was 14. I had long been after my mother to let me go live with Dad, but she wouldn't have it. She kept telling me when I was 16 I could choose to go live with him. Well, my Dad had a Lawyer friend that he went to High School with, and one Saturday Morning, after he picked me up from my mother's house, we had a special meeting with him. He told me that I and been legally allowed to choose with whom I wanted to live since I was 12. That pissed me off. My mother had been lying to me all these years. So on Sunday, when my Dad took me back to my mother's house, we had already decided that this was the day. I went into the house, went straight to my room, stuffed everything I could into a gym
TDub - 24-Jul-20 @ 5:50 PM
My partner wants to take our 3 yr old to abroad for 2 weeks, leaving me ( mum) behind. His father did the same when he was a child but I think 3 is too young as at that age a child has no concept of time. I would be very grateful if you could suggest some literature that he could read as I do not want our very happy little boy traumatised . Thank you
Hazel - 11-Jul-20 @ 9:10 AM
hi, I'm the son of two parents that have been split up when I was born, the only memory I have of them being together is when I was what they were fighting over which was when I was young, ever since then I have been flying back and forth between both parents whilst constantly on the move from house to house. Right now I feel as if my life is a mess because I seem to be doing horrible in my school work as well which is understandably reasonable given the fact that I am indeed a teenager but I know that I can do better, I admit that from time to time i have considered the easy way out more than once a day due to stress, family problems and anger issues and I have been known to be a little unstable from time to time. On top of my parents being separated, I also got involved in accident that could've ended it for me at a young age which just adds on to one of the many reasons why I hate my life but the main thing that I hate because of my parents being in different countries is constantly being asked "who do you think is the better parent", I know it may not look like a hard question but this question is always asked by someone who has both parents under the same roof. I may not have given a lot of information but I hope I gave you a little insight into what might be going through the mind of a child that is with only one parent. Other than that have a nice day
big smile - 13-Oct-19 @ 3:49 AM
@nan.thats exactly what i am going to do disappear i am [done] been [controlled] bye the childs mother .she can have her daughter .i [refuse to get in more trouble over her ].she is not worth it and with the time frame her child is not worth it gods truth .this is my final post .
c.laurie - 20-Jul-19 @ 4:00 AM
I left my partner of 3 1/2 years after we got into a little domestic thing that didn’t happen very often. He has two kids from a previous relationship and I have a seventeen month old with him that stays with me. The relationship was doing well financially, but a failure in pretty much every other way. He says all the issues are mine and that it’s my fault and only I can fix it. I went to counseling to try to work through my pain but I guess you can say too much and also I had some bruises from “ the accident” according to him. The farther I get from it the less I remember all the specifics. There was a lot of anger in our relationship but not life threatening and not involving the kids. My counselor says if I go back she’ll report me and dss will take my child. Since I’m not there to watch the kids he hasn’t been able to work and go to school and the money is gone. I feel awful about it. He says if I don’t come back by the time he has to go back to school he’ll completely cut out not only me but our sweet son from his life and just disappear. I have been a stay at home mom for over a year and he took care of everything. It’s really hard and stressful on me to have to figure out how to make ends meet and not be able to be full time with my sweet son. I’m afraid and everything hurts right now. It’s hard to let go of something you know is not good and you can’t look ahead while looking back.
Nan - 19-Jul-19 @ 5:52 PM
Hi I am thinking about leaving my relationship but I have a 2 year old daughter and I am worried about how the break up will effect her psychologically short and long term as I would basically be her primary carer. I would plan on having her in my own apartment for half of the week.
Ben - 7-May-19 @ 10:48 PM
Hi I'm thinking about leaving my relationship but I have a 2 year old daughter and I am worried about how the breakup will effect her psychologically short and long term as I would basically be her primary carer? I would plan to have her for half of the week.
Ben - 7-May-19 @ 10:46 PM
@Gemini.gods truth I am a (naturally violent person comes easy to me ).i was rasied where only the (alpha survive) some people have the smarts some mencan get the women some men have big ding a ling some men can make the money .i.myself( I never had any off that gods truth) but I could fight like a prison house rat .
Chris - 24-Mar-19 @ 8:36 AM
@gemini.people say I have (mental disorder).truth is I am just (broke) other wise I would have went to court for visitation the legal way .i have come to terms with her mother I was rasied old school and because I was( broke )I pulled( old gypsy style).truth is I love my daughter and just wish I was in better position so she could come and stay with me (full time ).
Chris - 24-Mar-19 @ 7:54 AM
Hi, I have been separated from my husband for more than 2 years.We have a 4 year old son. My ex husband wants an overnight contact and he also wants to take our son abroad. Our son is not used to be separated from me. His father has been visiting him since we separated. My ex has a mental disorder that triggers his aggression and violence. I am worried about our son’s safety. I don’t think overnight contact will be beneficial for our son
Gemini - 24-Mar-19 @ 5:54 AM
Hi, I've been divorced since 2014, have 3 kids. My eldest son is 12 & has adhd, daughter 11 & youngest son is 8 & has adhd & autism. All was going well, they remained living with me during the week & spent weekends with their dad who lived close by. My life then spiralled out of control with mental illness and alcoholism which resulted in me going into rehab twice and kids moving to a different area with their dad and his new partner. He was trying to give them a fresh start which I understand & they've settled remarkably well. I've now been sober for 8months & have kids every weekend and during holidays. My problem is that the younger 2 have expressed wanting to come back to live with me but my eldest doesn't. I know I've got to be ready to even consider this but I'm unsure what effect it would have on them if they were to be split up? Any advice would be welcome. I haven't made any promises to them as don't want to give them false hope. Thanks!
Laus - 19-Jan-19 @ 3:22 PM
Hi I’m a mother of two year old. I had to leave my two year old as I was necked out by my husband. I’m separated from my child since 3months. Since 2months I’m able able to c my child on Skype for 2hrs a day. It will take another 1 to two months to rejoin with my child. due to some government issues I’m held at india where as my son is in USA. How can I recover or help my child’s psychology turam of separation?
Naughty - 4-Nov-18 @ 11:26 AM
kibi - Your Question:
I am suffering from mental health issues and I can't stand people.i can't stand seeing my partner, there's volcanic rows almost everytime we speak.i want to move out but we have 3 kids youngest is 1 and oldest 7. I am so lost and don't know what to do. is there any advice related to that?

Our Response:
I can only suggest you speak to your GP. If you have mental health issues, you are going to find seeing people and being around people difficult at times, but it doesn't mean you will not get through this period with a bit of help. Therefore, making sure you seek this help is important.
SeparatedDads - 3-Oct-17 @ 3:07 PM
i am suffering from mental health issues and i can't stand people...i can't stand seeing my partner, there's volcanic rows almost everytime we speak...i want to move out but we have 3 kids youngest is 1 and oldest 7. i am so lost and don't know what to do. is there any advice related to that?
kibi - 29-Sep-17 @ 12:09 PM
SirTwist - Your Question:
My wife and I are separated. I found out she was doing meth and opiates.and breastfeeding. So I left the county with our 1 year old daughter. She has only visited her once in the 6 months since we left. I can't tell if my daughter's behavior is early terrible twos or if it's separation anxiety. I had to cut her off of breastfeeding immediately and where she was my daughter's primary companion throughout the day, now it is me. She isn't able to communicate image with words. I'm not sure of the effect on her.

Our Response:
I think in this case you may wish to visit your GP. Your daughter should be communicating by the age of 18-months/two yeas old. Though there is a lot of variability, most toddlers are able to say around 20 words by 18-months and 50 or more words by the time they turn two years of age. Once your child reaches the age of two, by average standards she should be combining two words to make simple sentences such as 'daddy home' or 'little dog'. Your daughter should also be able to identify particular objects such as; car, toy, dog, cat, eyes, ears etc. She should also be able to follow simple commands such as 'don't touch', 'bring daddy the toy' etc. In addition, if you did not get consent from your ex to leave the country, please be aware you could be charged with abduction (I presume your ex consented to your leaving the country).
SeparatedDads - 9-Nov-16 @ 1:03 PM
My wife and I are separated. I found out she was doing meth and opiates.....and breastfeeding. So I left the county with our 1year old daughter. She has only visited her once in the 6 months since we left. I can't tell if my daughter's behavior is early terrible twos or if it's separation anxiety. I had to cut her off of breastfeeding immediately and where she was my daughter's primary companion throughout the day, now it is me. She isn't able to communicate image with words. I'm not sure of the effect on her.
SirTwist - 9-Nov-16 @ 4:04 AM
Dear Dieana I admire that fact that you and 'Dad' have managed to mutually agree to an arrangement for your Son and sympathise with your concern. You may wish to consider talking to a Child Psychologist and/or a Counsellor qualified to work with Children who will find out through 'Play' how your Son feels about the arrangement. This will either give you peace of mind that you are doing the right thing or enable you and 'Dad' to make a more beneficial arrangement. With love and admiration.
History Repeats - 23-Sep-14 @ 12:05 PM
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