At its heart, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is where one parents attempts to turn the children against the other parent. Where divorces are less than amicable, it’s sadly not uncommon, and generally used by mothers in an attempt to ensure little or no contact between their exes and children.
Done subtly, it can be hard to prove, and at its worst it can produce Allegations Of Child Abuse Against The Fathers. Even when not pressed to those extremes, it causes anguish for thousands of men (which isn’t to say fathers haven’t used it against mothers, but in general it’s mothers who are the perpetrators).In court the result can be devastating, resulting in minimal or no contact for fathers.
How it Works
PAS is a kind of brainwashing. If the parent with custody can convince the child that he or she doesn’t want anything to do with the father, that carries weight in court, since one of the factors taken into account regarding contact is the wishes of the child. For obvious reasons, it works better with younger children, who are more easily swayed and subject to emotional pressures. In difficult situations, they naturally want to please the parent they’re with.
It can happen for any number of reasons, from fear of losing the children to the other parent to revenge. Sometimes trying to establish the root cause can be impossible.
Is it Legal?
If it could be proven that a parent had used PAS, there could be legal repercussions. In practice, however, establishing that can very difficult. Using it on a child is a form of abuse in medical terms, and legally it becomes a type of coaching, both of which are illegal.
What would tend to happen, though, is that the custodial parent’s assertions of the child’s wishes would end up being ignored when it came to contact. A few courts might order family therapy, but would be unlikely to prosecute beyond that. That said, authorities do recognise it happens.
What Can the Victim do?
For the victim, generally the father, to prove PAS is very difficult. You’ll need a good solicitor, a Child Welfare Officer who’s willing to go beyond the surface to investigate your side of the story, and the willingness to pursue this, probably at County Court level, which means expense.
You’ll need extensive notes on conversations with the other parent, a diary of time spent with the children, and their excuses for not spending time with you. Note instances where the other parent has gone to schools or clubs to say you should have no contact with your children there (if that has happened), or if the other parent has stopped the child communicating with other members of your family.
The stronger the body of evidence you can build, the greater your chances of proving PAS and re-establishing contact. The problem, though, is that eventually the children can believe it really is their wish not to see you.
Where there is a contact order, try to make sure you see your kids. It keeps a line open, and acts as assurance that they don’t really hate you. It also opens the door for more contact. If it’s possible to Keep Communication With The Mother – which in many cases it won’t be – then do so; minds can change, and it all becomes more ammunition if you have to go to court.
Divorce Resource
This article is taken from our sister site: www.DivorceResource.co.uk. For more information on access rights, child support and looking after your dependants following a split, take a look at this section on divorce resource.
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cindybyrd - 15-Oct-22 @ 8:27 AM
Heard there is a back log of refferals due to covid???
How long has people been waiting to first hear from social services recently?
I went to hospital and they referred to child protection because of my mental health.
It's been 10 days and not heard a word.. Not has my ex.
I don't live with my daughter as she lives with my ex (mother of our daughter)
Last time I seen her was 23rd December
And ment to be seeing her on the 29 march.
Supivised with her parents.
Russ102 - 7-Mar-21 @ 12:07 AM
I have been dealing with the same thing but my ex had me chased from her state would not talk to me or my parents for our son makes sure to call me on my birthday to only tell me i cannot talk to my son no i have not abused him never has and never have been investigated now she contacting my mom just to say its up to my son but she will allow my dad to talk to him. How it got to no contact was my fault trying to protect my son because he father was imprisoned for murder but she left me for a meth dealer addict and now the man went to prison for murder not her dad her husband her family does do drugs even with kids around i have tried court cousoling but in my lawyers words i was a emotional play at me because washington state has always favored women my ex has admitted to the judge she wished i would die it would be easier for her to be free and the courts still rule in her favor i tried to stay in shelters go beat up almost stabbed by her husband but the judge told me that it was not pertaining to my son i had to leave state for my safety i did try to call every single day for 3 years and she kept changing her number blocking me on facebook the courts dont care and lawyers dont care i have hardly a dime to my name i pay 2 states for one child and will never see him ever again i dont understand why some one can have a child with a person and then tells them their done with them and they dont want them but takes the child from them after my son being told i left because of him but i could never tell him otherwise my 14 year old wants nothing to do with me and i am half mexican and everyone in her family called me racial names constantly even when i would be in tears i would tell her and she told me if i dont like it move but if i leave i will never see my son im sorry of this is jumpy but its hard for me to even talk about. Im not asking for im sorry that happened to you or anything i just dont know what to do my son hate me and my ex makes bad choices even if it involves children i tried to keep her happy but it didnt work. I dont understand why she did all that and she kept telling me she grew out of me we were young yes but i was for sure and still dont regret being with her now i will say and am proud to say she is a great mother but not good as a friend or such i have talked before on other sites so please dont attack me or her her mother took her and her brother from her dad because he is a very bad person drug dealer and murderer so is her husband and i never had even done drugs i did drink for like 2 years to make friends but when she got pregnant when i was 19 i quit drinking and still to this day im 34 i dont drink and have never drank.
Marty - 19-Sep-20 @ 7:32 PM
@ali.this the truth the relationship I had with her mother should (NEVER HAD HAPPENED GODS TRUTH WE ARE TO (DIFFERENT) AND ITS TERRIBLE TO SAY BUT THE CHILD SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN BORN)I am glad things turned out the way they have with no contact and no child support .i had a moment off weakness low point in my life and called this women (BIG MISTAKE )she lucky I sighed the( passport papers).and all got was a trip to the (magistrate) put on orders lost my gun license and never got to see (my daughter) .well f her she better not show her face anywhere near me that goes for little boyfriend two ringing me up (playing games ).he can have the (mother and the child) You get no argument from me .
Chris - 15-Apr-20 @ 9:42 PM
@ali.well I think every (guy is money motivated person ).and I myself have a gun license just got it (back ).because I was put on (DV orders) and once that happens the police and government will( automatically take it ).this women is nothing but (trouble) lucky I have mate with (gun licence) and signed my guns over to him because they would have (crashed my guns).and for record I have (daughter) and would never encourage her to shoot this (my hobby or was to this virus turned up).and I think you are lucky to get the (minimal) child support .i don’t pay (stuff her )and if my daughter turned into a horrible natured rude and disrespectful teenager (good )I hope she drives her mother crazy .i just want to be (left alone )to live my country lifestyle.her daughter would be use to (big city lifestyle) and would never cope living my way .she best with mother and her partner.
Chris - 15-Apr-20 @ 9:20 PM
Hi , I’ve been divorced over 8 years and have 2 sons 16 and 13 . When we were together my ex was abusive , violent and controlling . He did nothing with the children ii was left to me to work and bring up the boys . He paid me the minimal money a month and lied continuously. Now the boys are older they are useful to him . He is a money motivated person that his his life and now he’s putting these ideas in the boys heads . He has a gun licence and encourages them to shoot but cruelly . Both boys have become horrible natured , rude and disrespectful . I try and follow the right route and encourage the right ways but am constantly being over ridden by my ex . Any suggestions ?
Ali - 15-Apr-20 @ 11:46 AM
I separated from my wife 19 months ago following our regular domestic arguments which she would often get pyshical, very abuse verbally but pack my bag and force me out of my home. On the last time, my oldest son 11 at the time, had a melt down (autism) and she hit him in the face and he retaliated by hitting her back. I interviened when she attacked me. I ended being forced to leave having her threatened police and her brother who lived next door. Since then I have suffered terrible parental alianation. I had got child services involved and they investigated domestic abuse and child abuse but I did not have enough evidence. We had meetings and worked together and with schools but at soon as social were happy we could co-parent and signed us off, she stopped me from seeing my boys. I was homeless at start and have had to rebuild my life entirely and but I have suffered constant abusive psychological abuse from my ex and my oldest is terrified of me. Even though I havent seen him in 7 months. I have been accused of so many things and set up for failure as a father. My whole side of family also, my mom dad etc have been regularly cut off and punished today again as example I phoned my youngest son, during his usual suppervised conversation when his mom shouted to tell me to stop texting her brother nasty messages. Which is not true. I said sorry Harrison, I don't know what ur mom is talking about, I'm just phoning to speak to u. She then blocked my folks etc as a way of punishing me.
I cannot afford anymore legal fees. I have paid divorce, child maintenance monthly, new home, was left with marriage debts in my name and I tried caftcas and they advised against legal as my boys are 11 and 13 now but my oldest has special needs and he is most vulnerable. I was seeing my youngest son regularly until the virus outbreak as he stands up to his mom despite how guilty she makes him feel for seeing me. I have lots of evidence, video footage, emails and dates witnesses etc but my kids are to scared to stand against their mom. I don't know what else to do as I am heartbroken with all this and especially not being able to see or speak to my oldest son who is brain washed into hating me for untrue reasons.
Andy Steele
Andy - 13-Apr-20 @ 11:17 PM
This is my official last post( gods truth).now everyone knows I was born( sterile).and all the trouble that women put me though mentally .my upset has gone now and the hate and bitterness has set like (concrete in my heart) .now if the child mother reads this .dont you ever come near me because I will most likely( shot you for my honour gods truth please take this as a serous warning ) I don’t want to spend the rest off my life in prison and I’m sure she doesn’t want a (bullet in the head) .the hate I have for this women is real I am a (naturally violent men) I work hard everyday to stay (calm and collected) .and I know in my heart if she ever come near me or my house I wouldn’t be able to (control anger gods truth)and I would( shot her dead I swear on the bible ).this is not a threat it’s a promise.and I also promise not to come looking for her I can’t control that .put she must never get complacent with time and think everything will fine because it will never be fine between us gods truth .thank you (goodbye )and god bless.
C.laurie - 7-Apr-20 @ 11:08 PM
Now I have told a few (yarns )on this site .but what I am about to say here is (gods truth) .i honestly don’t believe I am the bio father to Suzi Jane Barnes child that’s why I never went to court for visitation long story short .the relationship with her was open when I was 30 years old I got tested and truth is I was born (sterile ).and it was hard to take at the time because I thought I was the (father I was even put on the birth certificate).i don’t no why she did that I guess I will never no .it does explain to me why she never went to child support maybe lesson the guilt on her behalf who knows with that women .i did have do go to counselling and talk to someone about how I was feeling when I found out I was born sterile I was with the mother to the child was 5 I was 28 then so for 7 years I honestly thought I had a daughter so it did effect my (mental health and I am not ashamed to say it ).it was a (big blow) and the lights come on and I felt like a (fool I was sad mad mixed emotions).but I can honestly say now I have found peace and can (laugh at the situation) now and put it down as a learning curve and (stay away from women like her ).
C.laurie - 6-Apr-20 @ 9:28 PM
Now I have told a few (yarns )on this site .but what I am about to say here is (gods truth) .i honestly don’t believe I am the bio father to Suzi Jane Barnes child that’s why I never went to court for visitation long story short .the relationship with her was open when I was 30 years old I got tested and truth is I was born (sterile ).and it was hard to take at the time because I thought I was the (father I was even put on the birth certificate).i don’t no why she did that I guess I will never no .it does explain to me why she never went to child support maybe lesson the guilt on her behalf who knows with that women .i did have do go to counselling and talk to someone about how I was feeling when I found out I was born sterile I was with the mother to the child was 5 I was 28 then so for 7 years I honestly thought I had a daughter so it did effect my (mental health and I am not ashamed to say it ).it was a (big blow) and the lights come on and I felt like a (fool I was sad mad mixed emotions).but I can honestly say now I have found peace and can (laugh at the situation) now and put it down as a learning curve and (stay away from women like her ).
C.laurie - 6-Apr-20 @ 8:48 PM
My ex and I have been apart for 10 years and have an 11 year old son. Ever since we split I have known that she has lied about me saying that I used to beat her up. I knew this was nonsense and as we moved in different circles it has never really bothered me or had an impact on my life. However in the last year my son has told me that his mum has told him that not only did I used to beat her but I also hospitalised her on two occasions. Again this is just not true. She has also told him that I was not at his birth because I was high on drugs at the time. Again just plain fiction. I think I handled it well with my son and simply explained things. The lie regarding his birth, I was able to explain easily as although it's true that I initially wasnt at the hospital during the labour, I was in fact at home caring for my then 5 year old son, who was in bed fast asleep. I was also getting regular phone calls, every half hour or so from my exs mother who was at the hospital. And that at around midnight she called again to tell me that the baby would have to be C section at which time I woke my son up,got him dressed and headed straight to the hospital. I have tried to get mediation in the past but again after hearing the lies from my ex they refused to take it on..my next way forward is to apply for a court order to have more time with my son but I'm concerned her lies will stop.this from happening. I dont know if it's worth contacting social services as she is deliberately trying to alienate my son from me with her lies and therefore is committing a form of child abuse.
Adam - 6-Apr-20 @ 3:17 PM
My ex has recently cut all my contact with my children because I refuse to pay money directly to her, it’s not that I don’t pay , I just pay a 3rd party who then pay her because she can’t be trusted. Because of this I’ve lost all contact to my kids! Something both them and me are not used to! The signs are there that she is starting to employ PAS. I thank god for the game Fortnite which has allowed me a secret back passage form of contact to my kids that she doesn’t know about. This whole process is heartbreaking and at times has tested my will to live, I’m not suicidal but my kids are everything and don’t know how to have a life without them
Senor1droop - 20-Mar-20 @ 2:22 PM
I have a court order in place. A monthago I went to pick up the kids, but the younger one had broken her finger.
The mother did not let me take them to the hospital. She said she would go to st George's hospital, so I drove to the hospital.
One hour later she did not arrive. I try calling several times, but her phone was switched off.
She told the child that I did not care about her. When i finally managed to ask the child how she was, she said: "you don't care about me. Mum told she removed the trash from home 2 years ago and she just realised that i am the trash. I hate you dad and mum hates you to"
Ahhhh. Haven't seen her since then. I am applying for variation so i can pick up the kids straight from school.However the solicitor said it willbe very difficult to prove parental alienationand if my daughter refuses to see me..... I probably won't be able to see her. Damn the queens courts
Gusklemp - 18-Mar-20 @ 3:51 PM
Hi, my partner's ex who he's been separated from for 10 years and who he has 4 children with is causing problems for us all.He pays and never misses his CSA maintenance monies.He then helps towards uniforms, clothes, school trips, takes them on holiday, gives them pocket money, does everything over and above.The problem is the munn keeps asking for more.She spends the money in herself, tells the children dad doesn't pay her enough and they are constantly asking for more, messaging him telling him he is letting them down, their school shoes are an embarrassment etc then he feels bad as a father and gives in! They live with her and she manipulates them and tells them negative things about him.I've had messages from her telling me things about him trying to split us up and similar stories with very different facts being passed in from his daughter to my daughter that almost split us up, this obviously came from his ex too, it's slander! No one is on the man's side it seams.My ex pays next to nothing but I've worked my butt off to be self sufficient and independent and always out my kids first and I'm proud of the fact.If anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice we'd love to hear from you.
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There is only one way for me to believe is though a (dna test .that’s the only way )
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