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Your Rights if You Win Custody of Your Children

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 25 Aug 2016 | comments*Discuss
 
Separated Dads Custody Residence Order

The important fact to remember is that, in the majority of cases, the father will not be granted custody of the child by the courts. Individuals and groups have complained about this bias of the courts for several years, but it’s simply a fact that unless the circumstances are exceptional, the child or children will stay with their mother under a residence order, and you will be able to see them with a Contact Order.

Conditions For Father’s Custody

However, there are times when a judge will look very favourably on a father’s application for custody. Where the mother has a history of addiction to drink or drugs or an extensive history of binge drinking, which you can prove, there’s a good chance you’ll be given custody. There are solid reasons for this, since addicts often turn to crime to feed their habits, which can put the child in situations that aren’t good as he or she grows.

The courts take a similar attitude where the mother has a criminal record, at least if it’s a reasonably extensive one showing her to be a repeat offender. That applies whether she’s in jail or not (there are instances where mothers in jail can keep very young children with them, but those are few and far between).

The mother might be considered physically or emotionally incapable of raising a child. That might be due to a physical handicap, or it could be emotional instability. In those cases, the father would be given custody.

Similarly, where there’s been emotional or physical abuse of the child by the mother, and it can be proven, then the father will definitely receive custody. Sadly, abuse rates by mothers have been on the increase.

Finally, if the mother is deemed to have abandoned her children, the father will receive custody. Abandoned is classed as not being in communication with a child for a set period, whether by mail, phone, physical contact or email. Also, if she leaves with a new partner and has no contact with the children, or if she neglects the children when they’re in her care, then custody will devolve to the father.

Your Rights

When you have custody, you have the same rights as a mother with custody, and the mother would have Visitation Rights with the children (of course, there might be circumstances when she might be denied access). Be sure you obey the contact order fully.

Something to be aware of is that the mother can later petition the court to have the residence order changed, if she’s cleaned up her act and can prove herself to be upstanding and likely to be a good parent. Sadly, there’s a fair chance she might win, although the courts will take the wishes of the children into account.

You’d do right to feel that everything is more fragile than if you were female, since it probably is. She can always come back with her lawyer.

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I broke up with the mother of my child about 3 years ago. I pay child support etc etc. I have several concerns. 1. The money I send isn't going on my son. The mother still lives at home and it's her mom who is seemingly paying for things. 2. My ex is unemployed and having breast implants lip implants. This all started a few years back when she had just met a man and within a month her had paid for the surgery and trips abroad (sounds like prostitution to me)). 3. My ex is now with a man more that 30 years older (she is 30) and again he is paying for all these holidays and he is around my son which of course I have serious concerns over. 4. She is rarely with my son as she is always around his house or abroad. 5. I initially wanted custody of my son but my ex just wouldn't listen. Now as her mom is pretty much raising him she is dictating terms of contact etc. 6. My ex is extremely mentally unstable and regularly goes into fits of rage but as far as I am aware hasn't been convicted or been diagnosed with anything despite me suggesting she should get "checked out" for any mental conditions. Please help
Concerneddad - 25-Aug-16 @ 4:31 PM
I broke up with the mother of my child about 3 years ago. I pay child support etc etc. I have several concerns. 1. The money I send isn't going on my son. The mother still lives at home and it's her mom who is seemingly paying for things. 2. My ex is unemployed and having breast implants lip implants. This all started a few years back when she had just met a man and within a month her had paid for the surgery and trips abroad (sounds like prostitution to me)). 3. My ex is now with a man more that 30 years older (she is 30) and again he is paying for all these holidays and he is around my son which of course I have serious concerns over. 4. She is rarely with my son as she is always around his house or abroad. 5. I initially wanted custody of my son but my ex just wouldn't listen. Now as her mom is pretty much raising him she is dictating terms of contact etc. 6. My ex is extremely mentally unstable and regularly goes into fits of rage but as far as I am aware hasn't been convicted or been diagnosed with anything despite me suggesting she should get "checked out" for any mental conditions. Please help
Concerneddad - 25-Aug-16 @ 4:30 PM
I broke up with the mother of my child about 3 years ago. I pay child support etc etc. I have several concerns. 1. The money I send isn't going on my son. The mother still lives at home and it's her mom who is seemingly paying for things. 2. My ex is unemployed and having breast implants lip implants. This all started a few years back when she had just met a man and within a month her had paid for the surgery and trips abroad (sounds like prostitution to me)). 3. My ex is now with a man more that 30 years older (she is 30) and again he is paying for all these holidays and he is around my son which of course I have serious concerns over. 4. She is rarely with my son as she is always around his house or abroad. 5. I initially wanted custody of my son but my ex just wouldn't listen. Now as her mom is pretty much raising him she is dictating terms of contact etc. 6. My ex is extremely mentally unstable and regularly goes into fits of rage but as far as I am aware hasn't been convicted or been diagnosed with anything despite me suggesting she should get "checked out" for any mental conditions. Please help
MrConcerned - 25-Aug-16 @ 4:29 PM
Dad89 - Your Question:
The mother of my child is getting investigated for benefit fraud for the last three years and has risked my sons home by her actions I dont think shes stable and gives me my son in second hand clothes that dont even fit and is more concerned about saving to go raves than spending it on my son. Hes on amber at nursary because hes very emotional and his mums got high anxiety diagnosed also severe depression and has stopped contact because I told her about her behaviour I also know she smokes weed not around my son and have proof shes using my son against me. She also sent me a message when I said shes playing god and her word in text ( I am god when it comes to my son and she can pick and choose when she wants and if she wants to let me see him) and now shes stopped contact shes turned down mediation but I think im a more stable consistant parent than her. Anything I say she takes as im calling her a bad mum due to her anxiety problem and others n she snaps at my boy and iv seen him every weekend forever and know her choice to stop me is breaking my boys heart. She has stated I can see him as soon as I take her court but this is while im waiting emotionally destressing my boy so think I may have to go for full custody until she is more stable? Iv had my flat 7years and am my mothers carer n shes a benefit fraud using my son to get at me n I think its wrong shall I go for contact or full custody if so what are my options?

Our Response:
Regardless of your list of the mother's failings, there is the mother's side of the story too and should you take the matter to court, both sides would invariably be heard. The most important consideration for the courts is the welfare of your child. However, unless your child has come to harm or there is a threat of harm or neglect whilst in the care of his mother, the courts are unlikely to move a child from one parent to another unless absolutely necessary. As unfair as it may seem, smoking cannabis, snapping at your son, sending him out in second-hand clothes and your ex's anxiety and depression are not necessarily reasons enough for a court to change your child's residence. Therefore, before you apply for custody I suggest you seek legal advice to see whether you may have a case, or whether applying for straight access may be the better route.
SeparatedDads - 23-Aug-16 @ 12:00 PM
The mother of my child is getting investigated for benefit fraud for the last three years and has risked my sons home by her actions i dont think shes stable and gives me my son in second hand clothes that dont even fit and is more concerned about saving to go raves than spending it on my son. Hes on amber at nursary because hes very emotional and his mums got high anxiety diagnosed also severe depression and has stopped contact because i told her about her behaviour i also know she smokes weed not around my son and have proof shes using my son against me. She also sent me a message when i said shes playing god and her word in text ( i am god when it comes to my son and she can pick and choose when she wants and if she wants to let me see him) and now shes stopped contact shes turned down mediation but i think im a more stable consistant parent than her. Anything i say she takes as im calling her a bad mum due to her anxiety problem and others n she snaps at my boy and iv seen him every weekend forever and know her choice to stop me is breaking my boys heart. She has stated i can see him as soon as i take her court but this is while im waiting emotionally destressing my boy so think i may have to go for full custody until she is more stable?Iv had my flat 7years and am my mothers carer n shes a benefit fraud using my son to get at me n i think its wrong shall i go for contact or full custody if so what are my options?
Dad89 - 22-Aug-16 @ 5:19 PM
Hi I need some advice we currently have my partners 2 children as his ex mother of the kids is on the at risk register for neglect and social visits often etc she stopped my partner for 4 years of there life and now March this year she let us see them again but they are very badly dirty and not well kept this week now social have asked her to remove the children to us as her house was that bad dirtiness etc even though they give her 24 hours to clean she didn't do it to the standard they asked. they could not stay but we have now told them as the children are that bad when they visit we won't be taking them home on what grounds or rights now do we have as she has neglected these children for so long and the at risk register isn't something I know is taken lightly we know we can give them a better life but we need to know where we stand we don't want them going home to that not being fed clothed or bathed its pretty sad but she clearly isn't coping she has 4 two are my partners and the other two are with there fathers who are also refusing to send them home also any advice will help thanks
Webbzy92 - 30-Jul-16 @ 2:18 AM
I had been in a relationship with a man " a priest" for 9yrs living like husband and wife,we have a son aged 7yrs.three month ago ,a woman came in claiming that i have snatched his husband and he has 3 children with him.now he has left us behind with nothing after he was foundwith me.lately,i came to find that the woman is livingcomfortably,that is have a home and a business whereas living a rental house and am a casual laborer.my son is in class 1.i cant afford rent and school fees because my husband was taking care of everything.what step am i supposed to take for my ex to takethe responsibility of a child?
Archangel - 29-Jul-16 @ 2:55 PM
Wizard2k - Your Question:
Hi my ex partner and I have recently gone through court to get a order for me to see my child this order includes for me to pick my daughter up and return her to the mothers residence however she has decided her life now is in Birmingham which I don't mind has she has never stopped me seeing my daughter but has refused to give me her address is she allowed to to that as I currently have to meet her at a certain place

Our Response:
Your ex partner does not have to give you her address, if she chooses not to.
SeparatedDads - 19-Jul-16 @ 2:20 PM
Hi my ex partner and I have recently gone through court to get a order for me to see my child this order includes for me to pick my daughter up and return her to the mothers residence however she has decided her life now is in Birmingham which I don't mind has she has never stopped me seeing my daughter but has refused to give me her address is she allowed to tothat as I currently have to meet her at a certain place
Wizard2k - 16-Jul-16 @ 7:33 PM
Hi there I need some advice. My ex partner and I have a 10 month old girl and have recently split. She allows me to see my daughter but only when she is present. Do I have any rights to be able to have my daughter on my own and to stay over at mine. It is extremely frustrating that I don't have any quality time on my own with her. I looknow forward to your response.
Leec - 18-Jun-16 @ 10:19 PM
Tachuela - Your Question:
I would like to know if I can take the custody of my Children from my ex-wife, I have a 15 year old, an 11 year old both boys and 1 little girl who is 8 years old.My current situation is that the mother never take care of their needs as she's supposed to, she does not wash their cloths, she doesn't cook, she's always in doctor's appointments, she wants to force my kids to go to Church which is nothing wrong with that except the way she's handling it, yesterday she spanked my 11 year old because he refused to give up his cell phone, she want it to take it because he did not want to go to Church, this morning my kids called and told me that they have no food and that they only ate popcorn all day, this is something that is happening since I was married to her however my kids did not suffer because I was there, she es Bipolar (Diagnosed by a Doctor) and have this moments where she only wants to be in bed while the kids are in the living room without anyone to take care of them. Please help me I'm desperate about this situation. Thank you I need legal advise before I proceed.

Our Response:
Please see link: here which should help you further. However, it is never a good idea to keep your children without your ex's consent as this can backfire.
SeparatedDads - 14-Jun-16 @ 2:37 PM
I would like to know if I can take the custody of my Children from my ex-wife, I have a 15 year old, an 11 year old both boys and 1 little girl who is 8 years old. My current situation is that the mother never take care of their needs as she's supposed to, she does not wash their cloths, she doesn't cook, she's always in doctor's appointments, she wants to force my kids to go to Church which is nothing wrong with that except the way she's handling it, yesterday she spanked my 11 year old because he refused to give up his cell phone, she want it to take it because he did not want to go to Church, this morning my kids called and told me that they have no food and that they only ate popcorn all day, this is something that is happening since I was married to her however my kids did not suffer because I was there, she es Bipolar (Diagnosed by a Doctor) and have this moments where she only wants to be in bed while the kids are in the living room without anyone to take care of them. Please help me I'm desperate about this situation. Thank you I need legal advise before I proceed.
Tachuela - 13-Jun-16 @ 11:55 PM
I would like to know if I can take the custody of my Children from my ex-wife, I have a 15 year old, an 11 year old both boys and 1 little girl who is 8 years old. My current situation is that the mother never take care of their needs as she's supposed to, she does not wash their cloths, she doesn't cook, she's always in doctor's appointments, she wants to force my kids to go to Church which is nothing wrong with that except the way she's handling it, yesterday she spanked my 11 year old because he refused to give up his cell phone, she want it to take it because he did not want to go to Church, this morning my kids called and told me that they have no food and that they only ate popcorn all day, this is something that is happening since I was married to her however my kids did not suffer because I was there, she es Bipolar (Diagnosed by a Doctor) and have this moments where she only wants to be in bed while the kids are in the living room without anyone to take care of them. Please help me I'm desperate about this situation. Thank you I need legal advise before I proceed.
Tachuela - 13-Jun-16 @ 10:31 PM
I want to have a full custody of my son. He's 9 years old man. His mother is staying here in bloemfontein with her partner. My son is staying with her parents at the village. I'm also staying with my finance and planning to get married son and we have no kids together. The family of my sons mother refuses to let me see or do anything for my son.I'm not allowed to see him nd no one can give me a valied explanation. I just wanna be the father to him and see to his everydays needs but I can't. How do I go about applying for the fully custody or taking care of him permanently? Please advice. This is killing me. Kind regards
thiza - 10-Jun-16 @ 5:54 PM
Danny - Your Question:
Hi I'm leaving my partner because her attitude changes from day to day. We have a six month old daughter and I wanted full custody of her because I've seen the way she is with the oldest two children that she has got. She can be very nasty to the oldest one. And with me working six days a week I can't be here to see what she does. She would rather be on her mobile phone and watching telly rather than communicating and playing with the children. If I was granted full custody I would live with my mom and dad/ my six month old daughters grand parents. If you could give me advise I'd appreciate it. Thank you

Our Response:
It is very rare that a court will change the residency of a child from one parent to another unless absolutely necessary. Therefore, if your possibly soon to be ex becomes the primary carer of your child, then it is likely this arrangement will continue. You have a couple of options; either you can agree with your ex mutally that you will become the primary carer/resident parent of your child. Or you could agree with your partner that you both share the care of your child. If you cannot agree between yourselves then you should either suggest mediation in order to sort the matter out, and if your partner refuses, or mediation fails, then you would have the option to take the matter to court.
SeparatedDads - 8-Jun-16 @ 10:29 AM
Hi I'm leaving my partner because her attitude changes from day to day. We have a six month old daughter and I wanted full custody of her because I've seen the way she is with the oldest two children that she has got. She can be very nasty to the oldest one. And with me working six days a week I can't be here to see what she does. She would rather be on her mobile phone and watching telly rather than communicating and playing with the children. If I was granted full custody I would live with my mom and dad/ my six month old daughters grand parents. If you could give me advise I'd appreciate it. Thank you
Danny - 7-Jun-16 @ 11:46 AM
My wife is always arguing with my daughter and hitting he, she can't even provide her basic needs, she live with my parents who provide everything. I work in London and I am calling them over in July to stay with me but I don't think we will be able to stay together as my wife is mentally hurting my daughter and saying all no good things to her. My daughter has lost weight and is mentally stressed out she is only 7. I wanted to know what legal action I could take?
Harris - 3-Jun-16 @ 12:04 PM
Hi, my wife has full custody of my son, but my mother and i look after my son as she has full time job. She only look after him 1 - 2 days a week, could you please advise how i can produce evidence to make a case against her.
Max - 31-May-16 @ 10:36 AM
Laurie - Your Question:
My partner is considering petitioning the courts for parental responsibility and a residency order for his son, I am fortunate enough that I was able to do this when I separated from my children's father a few years ago but I want to be sure that by us doing this it will not affect the access he already has with his son. At the moment he lives with us 4 nights a week and the remainder of the week is spent with his mother. We have him for every school holiday and Xmas etc during this time his mother does not ever even attempt to make contact with him. As much as we are happy for his mother to have access to see him she is extremely unreasonable when discussing the best interests of her son. For example he is extremely overweight and as much as we have all changed how we eat at home his mother refuses to address what she feeds him which prevents us making much progress. I also suspect hat he has other issues which need to be examined, he displays a lot of the characteristics of a child with FAS, his mother was always and still is a heavy drinker. The ADHD part of his personality we can cope fine with at home however his developmental issues have now started to affect his progress in school. The fact again that his mother refuses to accept there is any issue which needs to be examined means we are unable to have him diagnosed and properly supported (my partners other child had quite severe emotional scars due to her relationship with her mother and had been referred to CAMHS regularly throughout her childhood.) the only reason we have not already applied for custody is because we know that it is highly unlikely that fathers are awarded custody unless it's in an extreme situation. Please can you give me some advice on what we can or should do in this situation. Thank you.

Our Response:
If your partner and you have his son for the majority of the week then there is nothing stopping you applying for a child arrangement order for his son to determine who the child shall live with, given you already have what is essentially shared care. If you were awarded this, then the mother would be given a contact order in much the same way as she has now. The courts will always act on what it thinks in the best interest of the child, but that also doesn't mean stopping his son from seeing his mother. The fact he is overweight and may have other issues will not be the priority of the court, but his personal relationships with other members of his family and keeping those relationships stable and consistent will.
SeparatedDads - 27-May-16 @ 2:04 PM
My partner is considering petitioning the courts for parental responsibility and a residency order for his son, I am fortunate enough that I was able to do this when I separated from my children's father a few years ago but I want to be sure that by us doing this it will not affect the access he already has with his son. At the moment he lives with us 4 nights a week and the remainder of the week is spent with his mother. We have him for every school holiday and Xmas etc during this time his mother does not ever even attempt to make contact with him. As much as we are happy for his mother to have access to see him she is extremely unreasonable when discussing the best interests of her son. For example he is extremely overweight and as much as we have all changed how we eat at home his mother refuses to address what she feeds him which prevents us making much progress. I also suspect hat he has other issues which need to be examined, he displays a lot of the characteristics of a child with FAS, his mother was always and still is a heavy drinker... The ADHD part of his personality we can cope fine with at home however his developmental issues have now started to affect his progress in school. The fact again that his mother refuses to accept there is any issue which needs to be examined means we are unable to have him diagnosed and properly supported (my partners other child had quite severe emotional scars due to her relationship with her mother and had been referred to CAMHS regularly throughout her childhood.) the only reason we have not already applied for custody is because we know that it is highly unlikely that fathers are awarded custody unless it's in an extreme situation. Please can you give me some advice on what we can or should do in this situation. Thank you.
Laurie - 26-May-16 @ 7:34 PM
Lindylou - Your Question:
I'm in a very desperate situation. My two sons live with there father and he has moved in a new girlfriend. Me and my family have been completely excluded from my son. The girlfriend is taking my son to school picking him up taking him swimming lessons and everything. I feel like a victim of parental alienation surley this is emotional abuse to my son keeping him away from his mother. The father won't even let me have a phone conversation with him please help I miss him so bad I feel powerless.

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. You don't say whether you have a court order to see your children, or not. If you have a court order, then you can take this matter back to court to have the order enforced. If you don't have a court order, then you would have to take the matter to court and apply for access. Please see link: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here which applies to both mothers and fathers. You would have to go through the motions laid out in the article.
SeparatedDads - 26-May-16 @ 12:45 PM
I'm in a very desperate situation. My two sons live with there father and he has moved in a new girlfriend. Me and my family have been completely excluded from my son. The girlfriend is taking my son to school picking him up taking him swimming lessons and everything. I feel like a victim of parental alienation surley this is emotional abuse to my son keeping him away from his mother. The father won't even let me have a phone conversation with him please help I miss him so bad I feel powerless .
Lindylou - 25-May-16 @ 9:47 PM
Hi I'm currently been with my partner for 4 years now I we have 5 children 3 are not mine and 2 are!! I really don't want to be with her anymore because of drug abuse and the fact she thinks nothing about her self I don't really have any accomadation To go too with the children so am I stuck with this women because that's what it feels like :(
Freedom2016 - 21-May-16 @ 11:09 AM
Hi I was just granted custody of my daughter from her mother. Our daughter has lived with her mom all of her life except while we were together. Our daughter is almost 5 by the way. My question is...Now that I have custody how do I go about actually taking physical custody of our daughter since mom is not going to just drop her off to me?
DAD - 20-May-16 @ 9:36 PM
Chris - Your Question:
My ex husband is taking me to court over our 6yo son and 11yo daughter (daughter is not his) my children are on the child protection act list,due to my eldest (14yo) being attacked by her ex boyfriend. I have drank in the past but now don't, the children are happy and looked after with no concerns. He was violent but I never reported it. He also had me attacked (something I can not prove) and has told general lies. Due to him spiking me and me having a melt down last year,my health has suffered. I'm better now and have support from my current partner. The children are more than happy and safe with me, where do I stand?

Our Response:
I'm afraid this is a difficult question to answer as much will depend on what Cafcass advises in its report, please see article: What Goes into the Cafcass Family Report? here . It is highly unlikely the court would award your ex custody of a child that is not his. The court will always rule on what is in the best interests of your children and stability and consistency is of paramount importance. The court will also only move a child from a resident parent to a non-resident parent if considered absolutely necessary. If your children are considered 'happy' then it is unlikely the courts will rule to move them from you and hand them over to your ex.
SeparatedDads - 20-May-16 @ 11:30 AM
My ex husband is taking me to court over our 6yo son and 11yo daughter (daughter is not his) my children are on the child protection act list,due to my eldest (14yo) being attacked by her ex boyfriend. I have drank in the past but now don't, the children are happy and looked after with no concerns. He was violent but i never reported it. He also had me attacked (something i can not prove) and has told general lies. Due to him spiking me and me having a melt down last year,my health has suffered. I'm better now and have support from my current partner. The children are more than happy and safe with me, where do i stand?
Chris - 19-May-16 @ 2:49 PM
Kurt25layton - Your Question:
Hi Iam going to court to get a residence order I've not stop his mother from seeing him but she's only bin once in the last 3weeks for an hour ano his mother use to leave my son with how ever so she could do her own thing left him were he's burnt. His arm n is struggling now she had my son with two other childern and one on the way what's my chances of me getting this as ATM she has bin threating kill her self if she don't get her own way but has put no effort in to see my son since I've kept him until this gets sorted thanks

Our Response:
I'm afraid we cannot predict what chances you have of gaining a child arrangement order. However, the courts usually adhere to the Cafcass Report, so whatever Cafcass recommends, the court will listen to, please see link: What Goes into the Cafcass Family Report? here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 11-May-16 @ 1:48 PM
Hi Iam going to court to get a residence order I've not stop his mother from seeing him but she's only bin once in the last 3weeks for an hour ano his mother use to leave my son with how ever so she could do her own thing left him were he's burnt. His arm n is struggling now she had my son with two other childern and one on the way what's my chances of me getting this as ATM she has bin threating kill her self if she don't get her own way but has put no effort in to see my son since I've kept him until this gets sorted thanks
Kurt25layton - 10-May-16 @ 5:42 PM
Kept in the dark- Your Question:
Hi my ex partner has custody of our children. I've recently found out my ex may be facing a custodial sentence. She is refusing to admit to me what is actually going on. If she goes to prison can she leave the kids in someone else's care with out my consent? And what would I need to do to take custody of the children.

Our Response:
I suggest in this instance you seek legal advice. She may wish to leave the children with family should this be the case. However, if you have Parental Responsibility and are against this, then you will have a say regarding what should happen to your children in their mother's absence.
SeparatedDads - 10-May-16 @ 2:22 PM
Hi my ex partner has custody of our children. I've recently found out my ex may be facing a custodial sentence. She isrefusing to admit to me what is actually going on. If she goes to prison can she leave the kids in someone else's care with out my consent? And what would I need to do to take custody of the children.
Kept in the dark - 9-May-16 @ 11:05 PM
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