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Relationship Breakdown: 'Lies' About Behaviour

By: Lorna Elliott LLB (hons), Barrister - Updated: 30 Oct 2020 |
 
Lies Divorce False Allegation Partner

When a divorce or separation gets ugly, either party or both parties can begin to fling mud at each other. They do this to undermine each other’s position, or simply because they are angry and hurt. Once two people who once felt extreme passion for one another are no longer together, the emotions can quickly turn to hate. The messiest divorces can become very destructive indeed, as both parties decide that it is all about who ‘wins’ and who ‘loses’. In fact, there are no winners in a divorce. Both parties are losing something that they thought was permanent, a relationship that they at some point thought was going to last forever.

The Truth About Lies

Statistically, more than 75% of the accusations that are made during a divorce are untrue. They arise for several reasons:
  • To cause trouble for the other person or an act of pure revenge
  • To discredit the other person, so that they are closer to ‘winning’
  • A combination of the two, to show how much they are ‘in charge’

Types of Lies

Lies about drug abuse are common when relationships break down. This doesn’t necessarily mean illegal drugs, but also alcohol abuse “she always drank too much, she was embarrassing in public” to “he was addicted to painkillers, without them he became a nightmare”. Another common type of lie is about illegal behaviour. Whether it’s tax fraud, animal cruelty, benefits fraud, or flouting planning permission requirements – you might find yourself faced with a whole load of awful allegations that are completely untrue.

A less common allegation is of satanic worship. It may sound far-fetched but in messy divorces it can happen. All of these allegations are usually a ploy to get you investigated by one or more public or legal authorities. It may be a real nuisance to have to deal with, but in the event that this does happen lies told by an ex-partner are usually very quickly exposed.

Perhaps the most common allegation is of promiscuous behaviour during the relationship. This could range from alleging internet pornography use, a string of affairs with unknown others, or an affair with someone you both knew. A high-profile example of this was when Katie Price accused Peter Andre of having an affair with his agent, and had to pay a substantial sum in damages after he brought a claim for libel in the High Court. Sometimes these allegations can be extreme, such as accusations that you took part in commercially available pornographic films or internet clips. With developments in technology, it’s very easy to see how cropped photographs and forged documents can end up being used to back up these types of lies.

If You Are Accused of a Crime

If you find yourself Falsely Accused Of A Criminal Offence, it’s very important that you know your rights. It is always illegal to falsely accuse someone of a crime, and you should not rest until you have cleared your name. Your accuser may be wasting police time, Perverting The Course Of Justice or Committing Perjury – if your case ends up in court. Hopefully, none of this will ever happen to you but if it does, tell your lawyer the truth and be calm but persistent about what you know to be the correct version of evens.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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My ex husband tested my knickers for semon after an office day out and claims that they are had positive results which is untrue. We have divorced since then and he has destroyed my entire life and has convinced the children that I have destroyed theirs. How can I prove my innocence and win back my children?
Nelly - 30-Oct-20 @ 9:20 AM
I've just been found innocent of some very serious false allegations from my ex and want yo know how I can protect myself from this ever happening again
Wozza - 23-Oct-20 @ 1:09 PM
hi, people, my ex has taken out a non molestation order, I am fine with that but it states I can't have no contact with my 5 kids for 6 months, never ever hit them once,now I find out after the injunction my ex wants me to be a Co parent, but for 6 months she has sabotage my relationship with my kids telling them not to contact me, but been reading do n don'ts of Co parent and it says don't sabotage the kids relationship with the dad but doing an injunction does exactly that ????
Keith - 22-Sep-20 @ 9:32 AM
I'm coming to an end of a bitter divorce. I've managed to get a court order against my ex to prevent her from relocating. The judge and cafcas 100% agreed with me. Even stipulated that she is not permitted to be in the while I have the kids. She showed up unannounced the other night during bed time and decided to spend the night as well as the following day until hand over. I was angry, but asked her to leave. I warned her that I would call the police, but notice her recording the conversation on the phone. She now claim emotional abuse because I told her I will call the police and if she did it again I will get a order against her
Rc - 15-Aug-20 @ 5:58 AM
My wife left our home 3 month ago without taking the children with her. She made very serious allegations against me. Rape domestic violence and a lot more. I would be a danger for my children and a monster. Fact is the children are with me and they are happy. She is constantly trying to damage my image on social media and by calling my relatives. She made a ABE now and I am waiting for the interview by the police. My wife is now trying to force me to give her the children by insulting me and by emotionally abuse me via social media and false statements. As a man you always need to prove your innocence. But she as a woman can destroy my live with her lies. She studied that the uk is not using lie detector test. She wants me to go to jail to get now full custody. Please tell me how can I get help or what can I do. This problem is making me nearly suicide
Help - 16-Jul-20 @ 11:24 AM
@mark .f me I am no mark ha ha or gordon ha ha .
Chris - 25-Jun-20 @ 10:43 AM
I left my ex 2 years ago, we have 2 children, and when she found out about me and my best friend being together who is now my wife, she began twisting everything in our relationship and made me out to be an aggressive abusive partner, which while our relationship was toxic it was her who had problems with aggression and project onto me, and for the most part we co parent well, but at the beginning she turned my whole family against me and continues to this day despite me trying to rebuild. Now whenever we argue she twists everything i say and manipulates me into traps for example saying i refused to leave when she followed me out the door still arguing and then texts me saying i cant see the kids this week because shes upset then when i reply tells me i refused to leave and that im harassing her, im scared of ths potential legal consequences she could use as a weapon to entrap me
Mark - 25-Jun-20 @ 8:12 AM
Hello me and my wife separated 3 years ago we have 2 kids between us from that time she keep make false allegation and i dont know what should i do every few months i find police knock my door and every time nothing happened just keep stressed me out and turn the kids against me is there anything i should do to be able to stop her from doing this kind of allegations it is really affect me emotionally and mentally and dont know what is the end of this story if anyone can help me on that matter please
peter - 14-Jun-20 @ 12:39 AM
@worriedmother.if your ex has (my condition) even restraining orders or even icu orders will not stop him he will think it’s just a (peace of paper and find it funny or like a badge of honour )and time is not important you could be happily married with other children and then one day you could find yourself looking down a (barrel of a gun and see hes face again it could be 20 years from now) .this is how serous my condition is .so be every careful don’t get complacent or your husband could stop him and get sloppy and think it’s just talk people with my condition are the real deal .i just have a understanding of my condition so take my advice very serous.and have yourself a wonderful day it could be your last .
C.laurie - 22-May-20 @ 3:52 AM
@worriedmother.if your ex has my condition.there will be no stopping them if they feel wronged and if you have children together they will have zero feelings towards the children even there own flesh and blood they will see them as (pawns) .be very careful we are (master liars And very convincing )but we have( no morals)we will swear black and blue that we do have .butwe stand for (number one ).i am glad the mother got my daughter and I hope my daughter doesn’t( date or marry someone like me ).and her mother made the right decision to keep the children from me gods truth and I do hope her step father adopted her and was a very influential father figure to her .in saying that it doesn’t mean that me and her mother are ok and she best keep her( distance forever ).all I am saying is they can (adopt the child I have zero issues with that) .but I still want to kill her mother gods truth I want to look in her eyes why she takes her last breath and say call me (f wit now slapper and my ugly face is the last thing you will see leaving this earth ).
C.laurie - 21-May-20 @ 11:11 PM
@worriedmother.if your ex has my condition.there will be no stopping them if they feel wronged and if you have children together they will have zero feelings towards the children even there own flesh and blood they will see them as (pawns) .be very careful we are (master liars And very convincing )but we have( no morals)we will swear black and blue that we do have .butwe stand for (number one ).i am glad the mother got my daughter and I hope my daughter doesn’t( date or marry someone like me ).and her mother made the right decision to keep the children from me gods truth and I do hope her step father adopted her and was a very influential father figure to her .in saying that it doesn’t mean that me and her mother are ok and she best keep her( distance forever ).all I am saying is they can (adopt the child I have zero issues with that) .but I still want to kill her mother gods truth I want to look in her eyes why she takes her last breath and say call me (f wit now slapper and my ugly face is the last thing you will see leaving this earth ).
C.laurie - 21-May-20 @ 11:04 PM
@worriedmother.if your ex has my condition they are (not capable of love) it’s only a facade .we are only for( ourself )and see people as (pawns) we calculating manipulating And very dangerous and very capable of killing our own mother and even shed a tear at the funeral and play victim.i am not saying they will do it what I am saying is we have the right ingredients to do it and pushed the right way will do it .i am no psychiatrist this is what they explained to me about my condition.
C.laurie - 21-May-20 @ 10:01 PM
@worriedmother.with my condition it can be very dangerous if I feel someone has wronged me I will manipulate twist things around and very capable of murder .because of my lower heart rate and the wiring in my brain my doctor explained this to me and showed me on the X-ray where my brain is different.so if your ex has my (condition).BE VERY CAREFUL BECAUSE WE ARE (WIRED DIFFERENTLY AND TO BE TAKING VERY SEROUS AND TIME MEANS NOTHING TO PEOPLE LIKE ME ) .What I have just explained is the (gods truth ).i give you this advice because I have been diagnosed and Thoroughly explained my condition bye professional psychologist.you ex may not even no there is something wrong it took me nearly 40 years to be diagnosed .just a heads up .
C.laurie - 21-May-20 @ 9:42 PM
@worriedmother.after reading your post I myself have a psychotic disorder sociopath been (diagnosed) apparently it’s from my upbringing and genetics.i have a lower heartbeat then normal people that’s why I indulge in drugs And alcohol for stimulation and very antisocial and prone it fits of uncontrollable rage .i feel better now that I (understand my condition and have a name for it .for years I didn’t understand why I was like this ).its not easy having a (mental disorder) but I tools now to control it .there is no prescription drug or a cure it’s life sentence .
C.laurie - 21-May-20 @ 8:57 PM
Hi, I am so worried about my son and my Grandchildren. He split with his ex more than a year ago and she has stalked and harassed him and our family ever since. I believe she has some kind of psychotic disorder and believe that there will be no limits to how far she will go. A restraining order was placed on my son purely after her continued lies and false allegations against my son. She has abused in person and through telephone calls and social media my son and his immediate family. My Father died of cancer last year and she gained access to his property by deceit as he was vulnerable and stole money (My son was staying with him at the time nursing him and was out) She took some of my son's clothes and cut them up, sending him pictures.She has twice tried to run my son over with their children in the car! She stalks his social media by creating false accounts and then slanders him and his business. I am aware that she smokes cannabis and is extremely volatile and is disliked by many people as she has such an aggressive personality. I just do not understand how he continues to manipulate the system and make false allegations and they are followed through by the police-having my son arrested and interviewed but ending in NFA. I worry about the safety of my Grandchildren. who we are all unable to see. I dread to think what sort of life they have with her (age 6 and 4) She has a poor family background, her brother being convicted of murder at the age of 18. I live in constant fear of what she will do next to my family. She tries continually to get my son to respond to her(restraining order in place from her lies) Some of the excuses being. She has cancer, the children have corona virus, the youngest child has fallen down the stairs, needs an MRI scan... This is all very garbled and for that I apologise, There is just too much to right. I am so panicked and anxious. My son is now being treated for anxiety and depression following the loss of his Grandfather, not being able to see his children and this constant abuse and stalking.What can we do, and suggestions would be so gratefully received.
Worried Mother - 21-May-20 @ 7:09 PM
Hi, I am so worried about my son and my Grandchildren. He split with his ex more than a year ago and she has stalked and harassed him and our family ever since. I believe she has some kind of psychotic disorder and believe that there will be no limits to how far she will go. A restraining order was placed on my son purely after her continued lies and false allegations against my son. She has abused in person and through telephone calls and social media my son and his immediate family. My Father died of cancer last year and she gained access to his property by deceit as he was vulnerable and stole money (My son was staying with him at the time nursing him and was out) She took some of my son's clothes and cut them up, sending him pictures.She has twice tried to run my son over with their children in the car! She stalks his social media by creating false accounts and then slanders him and his business. I am aware that she smokes cannabis and is extremely volatile and is disliked by many people as she has such an aggressive personality. I just do not understand how he continues to manipulate the system and make false allegations and they are followed through by the police-having my son arrested and interviewed but ending in NFA. I worry about the safety of my Grandchildren. who we are all unable to see. I dread to think what sort of life they have with her (age 6 and 4) She has a poor family background, her brother being convicted of murder at the age of 18. I live in constant fear of what she will do next to my family. She tries continually to get my son to respond to her(restraining order in place from her lies) Some of the excuses being. She has cancer, the children have corona virus, the youngest child has fallen down the stairs, needs an MRI scan... This is all very garbled and for that I apologise, There is just too much to right. I am so panicked and anxious. My son is now being treated for anxiety and depression following the loss of his Grandfather, not being able to see his children and this constant abuse and stalking.What can we do, and suggestions would be so gratefully received.
Worried Mother - 21-May-20 @ 1:29 PM
Hi, last year my wife of 4 years and I were in a bad place and we were going to break up, right away she started making comments about me not having my children overnight if we separate and that she will make sure in court that she will say I’m a violent drunk and it would be dangerous for the kids.. I’m living away from home and only have work colleagues that are not really friends. She has said she would use her mates to testify against me although I never see her friends... anyway I got scared about not seeing my kids and stayed.. one year later it’s happening again.. we have been together for 8 years and I’ve lived with my kids 6 years. I have two eldest is 6. I’m gonna stay again for my kids, is there anything I can do now to protect myself from a future breakup... I only ever drink on special occasions or staff nights out, I actually train nearly every day I’m not the person she is saying and I feel it’s to scare me which works
DM - 13-Feb-20 @ 10:46 PM
hi so worried about my son.he and his ex partner have a 3 year old which my son has gone to mediation to have contact with. as he has not seen her for a few months although he is paying child supportit was agreed at mediation that he could have access and then the following day she contacted my son to say he would never have access to his child. his ex partner has to told her new partner some months ago that my son raped her two years ago.this has never happened and she has been telling him other lies about my son.she has never reported this to the police and now my son has found out about this and wants to clear his name.what can he do?? go to the police to report the malicious rumour??? he is so worried that the police is going to turn up at his door and arrest him.he is going to go through court for access to his child.his ex is a classic narcissistic and makes everything believable.she cut me off from my grandchild 2 and a half years ago because I said I would get the other side of the story from my son.please can anyone suggest anything should he go to the police first or do nothing?? his head is scrambled at the moment with all of this.
worried - 29-Dec-19 @ 1:42 PM
Hi just looking for some advice my ex partner has stopped me seeing my 2 children I have with her and she has falsely got idva involved and get her self a solicitor and I have tried to get the truth out and I have evidence with a crime ref number from my local police for when I was abused by her and i have had a non molestation order put in place but she has spoke to idva and wrongfully claimed that i was the abuser is there anything I can do about this
Franky - 18-Dec-19 @ 2:03 PM
@kyza.after reading your story ,I am glad my child is (grown up )now she can (defend )herself if she is in a environment where there is abuse .i grow up in a (violent environment) when I was a kid and when I had grown up I said to myself this is the last time you will hit me and I (bashed )them back .yeah I hated been a kid weak vulnerable .when I grow I seen how weak they where for belting and intimidating a child and they new (cowards) that I looked down on them and could snap them in half if I wanted .instead they run around trying to be my friend .
C.laurie - 4-Dec-19 @ 7:03 PM
My partner is a wonderful loving father to his 5 year old daughter Karen(Not real name) His ex wife put a false AVO on him in order to stop him seeing his daughter .This was when Karen was 3 .My partmer was not believed even tho it was his ex wife who was a danger to the child Recently Karen had a large bruise on her back it lookef like she had been hit with a stick or wooden spoon when asked Karen clearly said to us and the police Mummy hitme Mummy hits me all the time.We couldnt believe it when the police believed the mothers lies that Karen had fallen off the couch.When we asked Karen if she had fallen off the couchshe became very upset and yelled I didnt fall off the couch mummy hit me. Because the police belived the mother we had to send her back it was heartbreaking. When we saw Karen again she was totally shut down and told us that Mummy was the best mummy in the world and never hits her .But you could see the fear in her eyes. other things have happened like how Karen comes to us with mattered hair and ragged clothes also she she hasnt been fed We disclosed this to child protection and they spoke to the mother and the next time we had visitation of Karen we asked if she had breakfast and she started saying very fast Mummy feeds me mummy always feeds me amd repeting it over again at lunch we tried to feed her and she was screaming that Mummy had turned and given her lunch and refused to eat. Karen hides food in her room now and is to afraid to tell usabout the abuse at home Altho recently she told another child to Just die when we asked her why she said it she said Mummy says that to me all the time My partner amd I were sobbing over this but we wont tell child protection or the police because they tell the mother and Karen is theatened and punished My partner pays child support and the mother recently got his entire tax return money we were going to use for an eye operation Karen needs.After this money went to the mother Karen come to us with shoes to sizes to small and she couldnt walk properly in them My partner than told me that his ex was wearing anew out fit and was bragging about a clothes shopping spree. We are desperateto save our beautiful little girl and it kills us to hand her back to a abusive narssistic motherbut the authoritiesthat are meant to protect the child are protecting the lying mother. What the hell can we do we would gladly take Karen and let the ex keep the child support paymentsand single mothers pension (Because thats all shes interested in) We want to give this beautiful child a happy childhood full of love but instead she is with someone who neglects and abuses Karen physically emotionally and mentally. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD
Kyza - 4-Dec-19 @ 11:05 AM
My wife is currently destroying me to everyone we both know especially to her work.At the same time she is abusing our joint account by spending all the monies I put in.So far I am paying for everything whilst she spends all her salary to herself.This is totally unfair.On other occasion, she also managed my son to now go against me as she also poisoned his mind by telling lies.I have never hit my wife but instead she always hit me.I am so fed up, destroyed, hurt and confused.The real truth is that she really is clinging on to me because she knows that I pay the bills and her other motive is a financial gain to the equity of our house.In the first place she got me to put her name in the mortgage by threatening me using my son as a weapon (when he was only 8 at the time, hes now coming to 24 years old).She has not contributed a penny once and accumulated debts, took a load without my knowledge and 2 credit cards, plus managed to still overdrawn our joint account.This is so damaging and I feel so down and so low right now. I wish this UK laws should go hard on people like these, they are abusing men for financial gain.I have not filed for divorce yet but I will be soon...
DE2274 - 26-Sep-19 @ 10:29 PM
@sbowloc.after reading your story .mate you are a (different breed) you are the same us (my family ).gods truth i scarred the mother off my child’s face for life and gave her heaps off black eyes and gods truth I am (proud off it )I only regret not belting her more( gods truth ).you can hate on me but At least I’m honest .as for the system been flawed i wouldn’t no never been to court for visitation.i think the system is (good )they never got me in fact the police let me off ha ha .in fact I got away with it I love this new age stuff I used it and worked ha ha .
C.laurie - 26-Sep-19 @ 12:45 AM
same for me, accused of abuse against my wife and children and no hope of ever clearing my name.. the current system is flawed without doubt and geared to ensure women get everything and us dad's get nothing..
sbowloc - 24-Sep-19 @ 11:06 PM
A lot of woman are using the DV card, ( domestic violence) to make false allegations against their partners and that’s to get another place and free legal aid, god they know how to play the system,and the thing is you try clearing your name that she had lied about it assaulting her, there is nothing you can do, because that’s what my ex wife as done to me, made a call to the police to say I assaulted her to which I never, I only found this out after receiving her divorce papers and on it, it stated that a assault report was made to the police, I was never interviewed or charged by the police do all this was a shock to me, I telephoned the police and asked what all this is about? They said it was just a telephone log by your ex wife, I said but it’s untrue and I need to defend myself here, she said there is nothing to defend as no action was taken against you nor was you interviewed or charged, j said so you take a word of someone without asking the other person who. Ment to of assaulted her any questions because what she is saying is lies, he said it’s just a log and nothing else, how can people lie like that and get away with it?
Mikyboy - 10-Jun-19 @ 9:43 AM
I met my ex wife 8yrs ago. 2 1/2yrs of those 8yrs I spent lock up in the criminal justice system the charge? Criminal Domestic Violence of a high and aggravated nature. They were going for 15yrs with a 10yr plee.No criminal history,no arrest, no supporting evidence, no witness, no proof of any kind other then my own testimony of grabbing her as she became violent once she came home from "work " while I was packing my clothes finally ready to leave her after six years of living with (I didn't know then, but I know now) substance abuser. I loved,well still love my ex wife dearly. But the lies told and the consequences of the lies cause the loss of my business, home, reputation, and worse of all our marriage. She had been in a number of auto accidents prior to our meeting now I know related to substance abuse. One nearly fatal car crash that caused a multitude of cracked and broken bones. During our marriage while going through our off and on separation in late 2013-2014 due to her physical and verbal abuse she (supposedly) fractured her leg at work only later to find out (lying about the cause) that she was in yet another auto accident in late 2014. During such time she was under investigation for welfare fraud by the state, identity theft by the IRS, and child abuse by Child Protective Services. Oh yes and being sued for damages in which without my knowledge I was paying for. After finding out October 13, 2015 that my ex wife was in the hospital some 19hrs after accusations of domestic violence. Despite the fact that after I admittedly grab her to prevent any further violence against my person we talked from 2:15am until 9am when I dropped her off at work. After working her full 8hr shift she allegedly went to the hospital and nurses contacted police. When I arrived at the hospital (later to find out she went there for drugs) fearing she had done something to herself, it was then I learned the police had been called.And as I waited for them (volunteerary without restraint) it was then I was arrested, interrogated, and charged with the injures my ex wife had suffered through the years (based on court documents) she stated I did them. I charged 10yrs, 5yrs suspended, released from prison in 2 1/2yrs 4yrs probation. Gentlemen the criminal justice system is not a place that will not even care if you are innocent. There are men who treat, beat, and abuse there women and the courts cannot distinguish who is guilty or not. They should and they must look out for the best interests of battered and abused women and give hell to there abusers. However guys, any act of defence on your part from a physically abusive relationship. Don't try to figure it out. Don't feel like less than a man if you simply just walk away. You are not the one with the problem, she is. I love my ex wife in away only God would understand but without His love, there is no love.In closing remember, it's better to tell a woman your leaving her many hours after you leave, a
El - 30-May-19 @ 4:15 AM
@sharayn.did you punch him back ?.and is the house in your name ?.if I was in shoes I would have smashed him proper and kicked my ex out to and keeped my child there be some knee jerk reactions and some spiraling out off control behaviour mini ww3 .
Luke - 18-Feb-19 @ 8:02 PM
My ex and her new man try to get me out of the house. But a week ago I have been attacked by her new man and punch in my head I was in bed at the time and my son was in the other room.
Sharayn - 18-Feb-19 @ 5:29 PM
would mediation recomend court on the first miam meeting. My ex partner has told me he has had his miam meeting and was told that mediation would not work and to just go through court. Im not sure i believe this
Kat - 7-Feb-19 @ 4:08 PM
I have been falsely accused of domestic violence by my then partner, who is an alcoholic. The system always works in favour of the female. She hit me 3 times in public and I admitted to the police that I hit her back. This was happening in my home in which I took her in and looked after her. Drink turned her into a very nasty person and still does. Some females use allegations as a weapon and for some reason they do not get punished for it when the allegations are either proved false or the female withdraws the allegations. In my case, she withdrew the allegations. She ended up in a refuge! I could not believe what was happening and it all happened so quickly. It cost me 2 thousand pounds in legal fees when all she had to do was spent 100 odd quid to send a letter off to the CPS stating she didn't want to go ahead with it. Talk about trying to screw someone's life over. This similar thing had happened with one of her exes who did 4 years. I believed it at the time, but seeing as what I went through, I am now doubting it ever happened. When I was released on bail with conditions, she did everything in her power to entice me back to go and see her. I did but it wasn't her that dobbed me in for it. It was one of her family members. I spent a week on remand in prison because of it. Disgusting behaviour. also the lies she was spreading on social media playing the victim has tarnished my name and reputation in this town. If I were that was towards her, then why the hell was she asking me back all of the time. Unbelievable. I know that police have to act on reports by come on, this was clearly a waste of police resources. I still speak to her but live by myself now. Goodness knows why I still speak to her after what she did. She truly believes her own lies and that forms the basis for schizophrenia. I know more about her than what her own family know. Either that, or they choose to ignore everything about her. She's screwed me over good and proper. It's not her that's the victim. I have been the victim.
W4 - 13-Nov-18 @ 7:56 PM
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