What to do when your ex stops you seeing your children
Being told you cannot see your children is one of the hardest things a separated parent can face. Whether the refusal comes suddenly or follows months of tension, the effect is the same: you are cut off, often without warning or clear reason.
This situation affects fathers across the UK every day, regardless of how involved they were before separation. The legal framework in England and Wales, primarily under the Children Act 1989, supports children having relationships with both parents where it is safe and in the child's best interests. The child's welfare is the paramount consideration in any court decision. You are not without options.
Why contact gets refused
Understanding why your ex is blocking contact helps you decide how to respond. The reasons vary, and sometimes the stated reason is not the real one:
- Anger or hurt from the relationship breakdown, where contact becomes something to control
- Genuine concerns about the child's safety or wellbeing, which may or may not be based on real events
- A new partner complicating existing arrangements
- Practical changes like moving area, making previous schedules harder to maintain
- Disputes about money or property bleeding into contact arrangements
- Mistrust built up over time, whether justified or not
Some reasons are understandable even if the response is not. Others are about control or punishment. Where concerns are exaggerated or invented, the law expects children to maintain relationships with both parents.
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When contact is first refused, how you respond matters. Reacting with anger, even if understandable, usually makes things worse. Courts look at how both parents have behaved, and staying calm works in your favour.
Put your request for contact in writing: text, email or letter. Keep it simple and focused on the children. Propose specific, reasonable arrangements including days, times, and pickup locations. Avoid accusations or rehashing old arguments. Save all messages and responses as potential evidence.
If direct communication fails entirely, consider indirect contact while you pursue other options: letters, cards, video calls or messages through a trusted third party. Maintaining some connection, even if limited, can be valuable.
The next step is usually mediation. Before applying to court for a child arrangements order, you must attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). A trained mediator explains how mediation works and assesses whether it might help. Exceptions exist for cases involving domestic abuse, child protection concerns, or urgent situations.
Mediation helps both parents discuss arrangements and try to reach agreement without court. It does not always work, particularly if one parent refuses to engage, but it is quicker and cheaper than proceedings. Find an accredited mediator through the Family Mediation Council.
Applying to court
If mediation fails or is unsuitable, apply to the family court for a child arrangements order using Form C100, available on GOV.UK. There is a court fee, though you may qualify for help if you are on a low income or receiving certain benefits. Check current fees and eligibility on GOV.UK.
The court process can take several months. Straightforward cases may resolve within three or four months. Complex cases, particularly those involving allegations of harm, take longer.
Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) is involved in most cases. A Cafcass officer carries out safeguarding checks and may speak to both parents. Depending on the child's age and maturity, their wishes may be considered. Courts decide based on what is in the child's best interests. There is no automatic presumption that mothers should have the children or that fathers should only see them at weekends.
If the court makes an order and your ex still refuses to comply, you can apply back to court and demonstrate the breach. The court can impose unpaid work requirements, order compensation for missed contact, or in serious cases consider transferring residence.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
Dealing with allegations
Sometimes contact is refused because your ex makes allegations about your behaviour: domestic abuse, substance misuse, mental health concerns or risks to the children. False or exaggerated allegations can occur, sometimes to delay proceedings or influence how the court views you.
If allegations are made, Cafcass will carry out checks. The court may order a fact-finding hearing. You will have opportunity to respond and present your own evidence. Where there are genuine concerns, courts may order supervised contact while matters are investigated, allowing you to maintain a relationship in a setting that addresses safety worries.
Do not ignore allegations or assume they will disappear. Respond through proper channels and consider legal advice if the situation is complex.
Getting help and support
Dealing with denied contact is stressful. Looking after yourself helps you stay focused on what matters.
You do not necessarily need a solicitor for a child arrangements application. Many fathers represent themselves successfully. However, legal advice helps if there are allegations or complexity. Some solicitors offer fixed fee initial consultations. Legal aid may be available in cases involving domestic abuse or child protection: check whether you qualify.
If you cannot afford a solicitor, a McKenzie Friend can support you in court without acting as your legal representative. Citizens Advice provides general guidance on the court process. Families Need Fathers offers support groups, both online and in person, where you can get practical tips and emotional support from others who have been through similar situations.
Stay focused on your children. The process can be slow and frustrating, but courts make orders for contact every day. Most fathers who pursue this through proper channels do eventually get time with their children established.
We have had one court meeting online where the judge said he was not willing to take into account ‘tit for tat’ that the case was about my 7 now 8 yr old daughter.
He asked for a section 7 report that my partner requested and said he wanted contact to resume via a contact centre to start with and told my partner there was years ahead of us and we needed to ‘get along’
I admitted smoking Cannabis and was told in no uncertain terms I had to do something about it, I was already seeing a drug counsellor and have successfully come off Cannabis and feel much better for it.
I had an interview with a ‘young’ social worker in May who was going to set up supervised contact but reported to me my daughter who her mother says suffers with anxiety and I believe she is blaming me doesn’t want to see me. The social worker suggested a telephone call I waited for half an hour but realised it wasn’t going to happen,then she suggested letter writing which is difficult as I am dyslexic but we have done this the past 6/7 weeks as social worker been Ill and missed few sessions. After 2 court cancellations we now go to court next week and I should receive section 7 report tomorrow but still haven’t seen my daughter, any idea what the judge could rule in these circumstances?
Any advice help would be helpful I’mvery nervous about Tuesdays meeting.
I'm struggling with all this I'm in court process and I just don't understand what is going on as my wife left in October last year has stopped me from seeing the children unless it's on her terms,
She has not done anything for the courts never turned up at court in April, but still thinks everything might work out.
But won't attend mediation I'm just ver confused
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