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Misuse of Maintenance Payments

By: Lorna Elliott LLB (hons), Barrister - Updated: 20 Mar 2017 |
 
Child Support Maintenance Dad Misuse Csa

It is not uncommon for separated dads to be concerned at what their ex is doing with the money that is supposed to benefit their child or children. Of course, as responsible and caring dads you want to make sure that the money you pay towards your child's everyday needs is actually being spent on your child. It can be very frustrating and cause considerable anger if you perceive your ex to be splashing out on luxuries, such as holidays and home improvements, with money that you consider to be for your child.

For the Benefit of the Family

Unfortunately, there is very little that can be done about this. The Child Support Agency (CSA) has no control over what happens to the money once payments have been made to the resident parent. It is generally accepted that Child Support Payments can be made to benefit the household, such as on heating bills or other family needs, but often separated dads can suspect that the money is benefiting one person alone: your ex.

Of course, the vast majority of mothers think the world of their children and wouldn't put their own needs before that of their dependants. Your ex may say that she has sources of income that you don't know about, or may say that she is trying to do things that benefit the whole family. Arguably, home improvements or a holiday for all the family may, albeit only on a partial basis, benefit the child – but expensive handbags and shoes won't!

Proving Misuse

On a practical level, it would be very hard to prove that your maintenance payments are being misused. Your ex, as the resident parent, is the decision maker as to household financial expenditure and it is her sole responsibility to ensure that the money is spent appropriately. When confronted, she may simply say that she is using other money to pay for things for herself and using your money for your child's benefit. If there has been a period of time when child support has not been paid, she may 'justify' her expenditure on having to meet the sole financial responsibility during that period.

When You Can Intervene

It is a wholly different scenario if your child's needs are not being met and you are worried about their welfare. For example, it is totally unacceptable for your child to be neglected, abused or poorly treated. If you are seriously worried about the way in which your child is being treated, you need to seek legal advice without delay. Any decision to do so should not be taken lightly and is bound to be met with considerable hostility by your ex. In extreme cases, you could apply for a residence order but bear in mind that the court would always look at the welfare and best interests of the child first.

CSA Reassessment

Of course, there are other options. You could Enter Into Mediation with your ex to try to air your concerns and to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement. If you are paying money through the CSA, you could also ask for a reassessment if the money you are paying is causing Financial Difficulties in comparison to your ex's life of luxury.

When making agreements about maintenance payments (and this is where mediation can help), you could offer to be responsible specifics, such as school dinner money, school trips, nursery/holiday club fees, sports clubs, subscriptions etc. This might help you in knowing just where your money is going.

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[Add a Comment]
Ian - Your Question:
I pay maintenance to my ex wife (as advised by the online CSA calculator) under our own terms for my 2 children. She has decided that the best case for her if to have it paid into her account on a monthly basis via standing order. I live 115 miles away from my children and only have them every other weekend. If I have my children for 15 days over the summer holidays do I only have to pay her half of the maintenance for that month (considering that they will be in my care for the other half)?

Our Response:
Unless you agree otherwise between you, CMS payments are calculated to be averaged over the year.
SeparatedDads - 21-Mar-17 @ 12:56 PM
I pay maintenance to my ex wife (as advised by the online CSA calculator) under our own terms for my 2 children. She has decided that the best case for her if to have it paid into her account on a monthly basis via standing order. I live 115 miles away from my children and only have them every other weekend. If I have my children for 15 days over the summer holidays do I only have to pay her half of the maintenance for that month (considering that they will be in my care for the other half)?
Ian - 20-Mar-17 @ 6:44 PM
Hi, I have always paid CSA in accordance with their calculations, this has since changed to CSM, I phoned the CSA and asked them how to go about payments etc and they stated I should carry on paying the same amount just directly to the ex. I started an account solely for this and have started making payments on amonthly basis but was wondering, my daughter regularly turns up with clothes that are too small and worn, school uniform that is incorrect and again too small and never gets her haircut, obviously as a young girl she loves having long hair but most of the time it is almost impossible to get a brush through due to the split ends etc. My maintanace surely should cover these things? I am not too worried about casual clothing but haircuts and school uniform must come into it? Unfortunately I have tried buying new uniform however on her return to me I just again get worn and unusable clothing. Am I within my rights to deduct the money I need to spend providing my daughter with what she requires from my payments, I would always keep receipts, otherwise it would seem htat I am going to have to continually have my hand in my pocket to avoid embarrassment for our child.
Lee - 3-Mar-17 @ 6:55 PM
Lee - Your Question:
Hi,I have always paid CSA in accordance with their calculations, this has since changed to CSM, I phoned the CSA and asked them how to go about payments etc and they stated I should carry on paying the same amount just directly to the ex. I started an account solely for this and have started making payments on amonthly basis but was wondering, my daughter regularly turns up with clothes that are too small and worn, school uniform that is incorrect and again too small and never gets her haircut, obviously as a young girl she loves having long hair but most of the time it is almost impossible to get a brush through due to the split ends etc. My maintanace surely should cover these things? I am not too worried about casual clothing but haircuts and school uniform must come into it? Unfortunately I have tried buying new uniform however on her return to me I just again get worn and unusable clothing.Am I within my rights to deduct the money I need to spend providing my daughter with what she requires from my payments, I would always keep receipts, otherwise it would seem htat I am going to have to continually have my hand in my pocket to avoid embarrassment for our child.

Our Response:
You are not entitled to deduct the money and you would be liable for arrears of you stopped payment. I'm afraid this is an issue that has to be resolved between you and your ex and it is an issue that affects many parents. Your ex doesn't not have to justify what she spends child maintenance on, but it may be that she specifically sends your daughter in old clothes when she comes to your home (many parents do). You can only really try to discuss this with your ex and/or put your hand further in your pocket to provide other clothes for while she is staying with you and send your daughter back home her old clothes. Unfortunately, there are no rules regulating how a parent should clothe their child.
SeparatedDads - 3-Mar-17 @ 12:33 PM
Hi, I have always paid CSA in accordance with their calculations, this has since changed to CSM, I phoned the CSA and asked them how to go about payments etc and they stated I should carry on paying the same amount just directly to the ex. I started an account solely for this and have started making payments on amonthly basis but was wondering, my daughter regularly turns up with clothes that are too small and worn, school uniform that is incorrect and again too small and never gets her haircut, obviously as a young girl she loves having long hair but most of the time it is almost impossible to get a brush through due to the split ends etc. My maintanace surely should cover these things? I am not too worried about casual clothing but haircuts and school uniform must come into it? Unfortunately I have tried buying new uniform however on her return to me I just again get worn and unusable clothing. Am I within my rights to deduct the money I need to spend providing my daughter with what she requires from my payments, I would always keep receipts, otherwise it would seem htat I am going to have to continually have my hand in my pocket to avoid embarrassment for our child.
Lee - 2-Mar-17 @ 1:11 PM
Freetown3 - Your Question:
My boyfriend was married in his previous relationship and has a son of 2 years old and they are yet to legally divorce/separate.She is a stay at home mum and on benefits whilst my boyfriend and I work 50plus hours a a week For us to live and for him to pay his child maintence. The mother allows him to see his son every other weekend and one day a week. She then changes her mind and says that the child needs to see you more so have him an extra 2 nights a week which we are more than happy to do but then she changes her mind and says no you can't have him now. And now she's demanding more than double his agreed CSA payment and says that we only have him 2 nights a month. We have agreed to have him more but if she doesn't allow it and she says we don't have him enough where do we stand? It's mentally exausting!

Our Response:
In a case such as this, when no resolution can be agreed upon between parents, then the first option your boyfriend has is to suggest mediation, please see link here. If your boyfriend's ex refuses to attend, then court would be his next option, please see link here. Child maintenance payments have no bearing upon whether your boyfriend should or should not be allowed to see his child (i.e it is not permissable for his ex to use the child as a financial bargaining tool). Therefore, in the first instance your boyfriend may wish to seek some legal advice. A solicitor's letter to his ex specifiying he has no obligation to pay above the amount requested by the CMS and his ex should either reinstate access immediately or your boyfriend will apply to take the matter to court, may do the trick.
SeparatedDads - 10-Jan-17 @ 1:54 PM
My boyfriend was married in his previous relationship and has a son of 2 years old and they are yet to legally divorce/separate. She is a stay at home mum and on benefits whilst my boyfriend and I work 50plus hours a a week For us to live and for him to pay his child maintence. The mother allows him to see his son every other weekend and one day a week. She then changes her mind and says that the child needs to see you more so have him an extra 2 nights a week which we are more than happy to do but then she changes her mind and says no you can't have him now. And now she's demanding more than double his agreed CSA payment and says that we only have him 2 nights a month. We have agreed to have him more but if she doesn't allow it and she says we don't have him enough where do we stand? It's mentally exausting!
Freetown3 - 9-Jan-17 @ 8:01 PM
My partner has "half shared care" of his daughters. I've used quotations there because that's what the children's mother classes it as but it's not the reality. This year we have had his 2 children 192 days between January- November. Yet their mother claims child benefit for both children (and would never give this up as she uses it to claim other benefits like tax credits, etc) and my partner also has to pay her maintenance money! Just wondering what steps would have to be taken for him to stop paying maintenance? We don't care about child benefit money, she's welcome to that but he's effectively paying for the children when they are here and there but because they are there less...it's paying their mother not to have the children!
Confuzzled - 10-Dec-16 @ 3:08 PM
Emma - Your Question:
Just a bit of advice , my partner has separated from his wife 2 years now , he pays her car at over £100 per month and gives her £150 in cash for his two children , he keeps them 3 nights per week , he pays half of school uniforms , xmas and what ever else the kids need , dinner money on the days he takes them to school etc , his ex wife is now saying that he hasn't given her any money since they split up but there are witnesses including the children , what can he do about this , when they split she set the days and time he has the kids and she set how much money she wanted and he just agreed , this is causing him stress , as the divorce has just started !!

Our Response:
If your partner is giving his ex money in a family-based arrangement, he should pay via direct debit or bank transfer, not cash. However, only if he pays via the CMS will he be liable for arrears if his ex says he has not paid. He can see how much he should be paying via the CMS calculator here.
SeparatedDads - 18-Nov-16 @ 2:27 PM
Just a bit of advice , my partner has separated from his wife 2 years now , he pays her car at over £100 per month and gives her £150 in cash for his two children , he keeps them 3 nights per week , he pays half of school uniforms , xmas and what ever else the kids need , dinner money on the days he takes them to school etc , his ex wife is now saying that he hasn't given her any money since they split up but there are witnesses including the children , what can he do about this , when they split she set the days and time he has the kids and she set how much money she wanted and he just agreed , this is causing him stress , as the divorce has just started !!
Emma - 18-Nov-16 @ 10:08 AM
misuse a CSA payment. - FYI I have a 9 year old son. His dad hasn't seen him since he was 18 months old. He pays/paid nothing towards him. I work full time. I have a 4 year old stepdaughter, she lives with her mother. My partner is unemployed, and has his daughter (for sleep) 2-3 days a week. He owes NOTHING in child maintenance but pays £15.00 a week for her - he always moans that his ex goes out a lot - she can because we have his daughter on Thurs/fri/sat nights.... but we agree that his daughter is well looked after whilst she is with her mom therefore she ISNT misusing the CSA money - she tries to by asking for more when she is skint, BUT we always say no and tell her to manage her money better.
seenitfromtheothersi - 10-Nov-16 @ 12:19 PM
I would like to remind all parents out there that the money given to an ex partner for children should be seen as house hold income, not money solely to be spent on your child. Everyone has to pay for gas, electricity, water, rent, council tax (even those on benefits have to contribute) TV licence, internet, phone, food! .... these are ALL ITEMS that your child would be using whilst living at home with the other parent. What you are paying for is the daily living expense of the child, not for clothes, shoes or things for special occasions.The other parent will have another source of income, whether it benefits or wages and if you are good with your money then you can live quite comfortably. Most fathers I have come across moan about "my child had dirty clothes on" "her shoes where scuffed" "my child was hungry"- big whoop! Kids get dirty, kids ruin clothes/shoes.... kids are ALWAYS hungry - take a look in the mirror! Has you child got dirty with you - YES, has your child ruined clothes/shoes whist with you? YES, does your child get hungry with you? YES, so why do you judge your ex? why do you belittle them and demean them? is it to make you feel better, make you feel you are a better parent? If you gave someone £30 a week and they went out and spent £30 on themselves - is that them "misusing the CSA money"? NO - why? because you child still used electricity, gas, water.. they still needed rent, council tax, a phone to call you, the internet for CBB games ect....... So why claim that the other parent is misusing the payments?..... it would be very different if you had given £30 a week then the parent spent £30 a week and your child lived in a bin in the garden with no food, warmth and shelter........ THAT would be a serious misuse of CSA payments, and I hope that you would do the right thing and advise the authorises of the neglect your child is suffering. CSA is calculated using the total yearly amount the PARENT earns, and how often they have OVERNIGHT visits with the child. For example - £15,500 earnings a year with 2 over night stays a week is £28.20. A parent that has 2 night stays a week but is in receipt of benefits owes NOTHING to the other parent. I think that pages like this need to make it clear what CSA is for. Its not for school uniforms, not for clothes, not for shoes, not for presents or school trips - those are luxuries that ANYONE buys when they can afford to - the CSA money is for the day to day living expense for the child. Anything extra you need to provide for too - as you would if you where still living as a family. Therefore unless your child is being neglected or abused - no parent is actually misusing CSA money - paying parents are often in debt, have other children to pay maintenance for and sometimes can be angry or bitter that they cant see their child more. Pages like this give out "misguided" information - You should be telling parents that unless their child is being neglected or abused then a parents CANT misuse a
Seenitfromtheothersi - 10-Nov-16 @ 12:14 PM
debs - Your Question:
Can someone please advise. I am now married to my husband who has one child, aged 10. Following the divorce, my husband has paid £324 per month, in addition, as his ex wife had an affair and moved in with her now husband, she has taken his daughter over 200 miles away. There is an agreement where one picks up and another will collect, we have her every school holiday and every weekend where we aren't working which takes us to the middle bracket (at least) we are currently paying the maximum as his ex wife has lied to the CMS re contact. On contacting the CMS they have said that they will just go on what his ex has advised them in relation to contact and the only evidence of access they will accept from us is from the courts. Bearing in mind this will cripple us and e are unable to pay for the court given the monthly outgoings. We are afraid to cause any conflict as she will reduce access in order to maintain her monthly income. His daughter never has anything new, has second hand presents, is put in after school clubs regularly ensuring she works a longer day than her mum, her mum will go away and not tell her daughter she is out of the country when she is with us, an entire school holiday with us and only one phone conversation with her mum which I instigated. His daughter really wants to come back to live with us but due to her age is not considered old enough to make her own decisions. Her mum will never allow it as she will lose too much money. She has threatened us with not seeing his daughter overtime we do not agree to certain things. I am at a loss.the cos clearly discriminate toward well meaning dads and assume that all mums are honest, the reality is, these mothers hold all the cards and do not always hold the childs best interests. Why is there not a system in place where the CMS contact the mother and hold her accountable for the dates which can be given, dated photographs, text messages, etc. It is despicable that they take everything at face value and do not take into consideration other outgoings. Not only that, but we are paying more to clothe and feed a 10 year old girl than the average adult gets from the government, that is supposed to include enough for daily living expenses. It is an absolute disgrace.

Our Response:
The only recourse your husband has is to apply through the court for more overnight access. However, this is unlikely to be thought feasible, and in his child's best interests due to the 200 mile journey. It is unlikely a court would remove a child from one parent and hand the child over to another with regards to a residency application, unless it was absolutely necessary. Child maintenance is worked out on an average overnight stay so will make allowances for holidays etc. I can only suggest your husband applies for a variation if he is doing a lot of travelling, please see link here. But I don't imagine his ex will welcome this if she too is making the halfway journey. It is a very tricky situation, and one where his only recourse is court if his ex is lying about the amount of overnight stays his daughter is having with you.
SeparatedDads - 7-Sep-16 @ 12:17 PM
Can someone please advise. I am now married to my husband who has one child, aged 10. Following the divorce, my husband has paid £324 per month, in addition, as his ex wife had an affair and moved in with her now husband, she has taken his daughter over 200 miles away. There is an agreement where one picks up and another will collect, we have her every school holiday and every weekend where we aren't working which takes us to the middle bracket (at least) we are currently paying the maximum as his ex wife has lied to the CMS re contact. On contacting the CMS they have said that they will just go on what his ex has advised them in relation to contact and the only evidence of access they will accept from us is from the courts. Bearing in mind this will cripple us and e are unable to pay for the court given the monthly outgoings. We are afraid to cause any conflict as she will reduce access in order to maintain her monthly income. His daughter never has anything new, has second hand presents, is put in after school clubs regularly ensuring she works a longer day than her mum, her mum will go away and not tell her daughter she is out of the country when she is with us, an entire school holiday with us and only one phone conversation with her mum which I instigated. His daughter really wants to come back to live with us but due to her age is not considered old enough to make her own decisions. Her mum will never allow it as she will lose too much money. She has threatened us with not seeing his daughter overtime we do not agree to certain things. I am at a loss...the cos clearly discriminate toward well meaning dads and assume that all mums are honest, the reality is, these mothers hold all the cards and do not always hold the childs best interests. Why is there not a system in place where the CMS contact the mother and hold her accountable for the dates which can be given, dated photographs, text messages, etc. It is despicable that they take everything at face value and do not take into consideration other outgoings. Not only that, but we are paying more to clothe and feed a 10 year old girl than the average adult gets from the government, that is supposed to include enough for daily living expenses. It is an absolute disgrace.
debs - 6-Sep-16 @ 4:20 PM
It's a disgrace that csa do not take into account living expenses of the single father. So essentially the the carer gets the following, housing benefit, and general benefit money, milk tokens (depending on kids age), child payment money. Let's be honest with this all in total they are living more than comfortably. Now as a single dad without children we have to pay full rent, buy food, and pay bills and child support which might I add leaves me with about as much money as I'd be on with benefits as I've 4 children. However what about the welfare of the children they say. Well I tell you what, when I was living with the ex, I done it all with my wages all in while giving her money to go out at weekends and she never contributed to the costs of us living. At the moment I don't have a home but no one cares, I can't get a anything but a private rented house, I can't get a mortgage yet it would work out cheaper for me to pay by month. Noooo I have to pay extortionate prices for a private place and pay child support and food gas and electric. So I work 40 hours per week to earn £70.00 which I'm expected to live on which is benefit money. While others who don't work get the same. Then the government run about telling you oh hey work it will benefit you we promise, more like benefit the pockets of the rich and people who don't want to work and women with children that get almost everything paid for them anyway without the addition of child support, and yes I know exactly what the ex gets on benefits and yes I could look after the kids on less and they would still be well looked after. But no she goes out drinking every weekend and has the nerve to ask me to babysit. I don't babysit as it sickens me. She smokes cigarettes when I can't afford to (not that I'd want to). Then she calls and tortures me every week for more money as she explains the children need it, I explain you shouldn't of went out drinking. But no I get the I'm neglecting my children and they have no food excuse. That to me is neglect in itself I give her 58.00 a week and she can't even ensure she get a weeks shopping out of it. Then she uses the kids against me, threatens me I can't see them. I pay 58 per week, not too bad really if she struggled like I did and hadn't the money to drink and smoke like me. Now if she matches that at 58 with the money she's on which she can afford that's 116 per week and there's no chance in hell it take 116 a week to look after the kids where we live. It may occasionally but I know this as I done it on my wages alone without anyone's help. All in all with chold support she earns more than me and even more after deductions of my wages!
Grey wolf - 27-May-16 @ 9:03 AM
Skintdad - Your Question:
I pay £300 a month csa,I pay for my sons swimming lessons I take him for hair cut every month cos his mother refuses to take him,he never in tidy clothes or shoes I buy him clothes when he his up with me, she is always out every weekend is there anyway I can see where my csa is spent ??

Our Response:
Unfortunately not. As the paying parent your maintenance payments are based upon the amount of money you earn, not what the primary carer of your child spends the money on. The primary carer can spend the money how she wishes if she is caring for your child's day-to-day needs.
SeparatedDads - 5-Apr-16 @ 12:09 PM
I pay £300 a month csa,I pay for my sons swimming lessons I take him for hair cut every month cos his mother refuses to take him,he never in tidy clothes or shoes I buy him clothes when he his up with me, she is always out every weekend is there anyway I can see where my csa is spent ??
Skintdad - 4-Apr-16 @ 12:38 PM
I have a question in regards my ex wanting to increase now much I pay her , I pay £20 extra per month over what the csa advises , she and my 2 kids are moving into a new house , and because she can longer claim child tax credits towards childcare , she has emailed to advise that I need to increase my payments to her. Surely for general household costs would be now better off with two incomes instead of one , I have always paid my way for last 4 years , schools trips , new shoes , coates , etc does she have any rights , what would you advise
Nickster - 27-Mar-16 @ 10:03 PM
Hi Can anyone help. Recently split from my wife, I have two properties arranged as one house, she has an occupation order for both. The Mortgage is 2000 a month, my salary is 3000 and I recieve 1400 a month from lodgers at the house. I currently rent somewhere for 750 a month and have increased travel costs in the region of 200 per month but am technically homeless from April as I have to move out. All the disruption and stress (my kids are under a CPP for emotional abuse and has meant I am having to close my business and I am Hoping to pick up some freelance work. My wife does two half days of work a month, my three kids are at school - I have suggested she gets a job. Questions are am I paying enough, should I pay more? Currently including bills I give about 2400 a month my question is am I obliged to give more??? My wife is hassling me for maintenance and my take is she needs to find
Blossy - 4-Mar-16 @ 6:27 PM
Gb- Your Question:
I am paying money as agreed with the CMS and I was wondering, if I need to buy clothes, etc am I allowed to either deduct an amount to cover this expenditure from my payment or claim this money back?

Our Response:
You can't claim money back or deduct the money from the financial agreement with your ex unless she agrees. If you buy clothes for your child, you can do this in addition to your CMS payment -this is your choice.
SeparatedDads - 2-Mar-16 @ 10:52 AM
I am paying money as agreed with the CMS and I was wondering, if I need to buy clothes, etc am I allowed to either deduct an amount to cover this expenditure from my payment or claim this money back?
Gb - 1-Mar-16 @ 10:11 AM
Pedro - Your Question:
I pay maintenance every month and have done since we split up nearly 3 years ago. My ex has now demanded I take time off work during the school holiday's so I can look after them. I was was wondering if it was a legal requirement for me to do this since I pay maintenance and take care of them every Wednesday evening and every other weekend. Pete

Our Response:
Regardless of whether you pay maintenance or not, it depends on whether you take your responsibility as being a parent as a shared one or a financial one. Some fathers believe that to be a parent is to share not only the financial repsonsibility, but the logistical or physical one as well, which means dividing time of having children between parents equally. There is no legal requirement for you to have your children in the school holidays, but with modern parenting, some fathers would assume it was fair to help out in the school holidays etc. However, this is a matter between you and your ex. If you cannot resolve it between you, perhaps Mediation may be the way forward, please see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 14-Jan-16 @ 12:56 PM
Ipay maintenanceevery month and have done since we split up nearly 3 years ago. My ex has now demanded I take time off work during the school holiday'sso i can look after them. I was was wondering if it was a legal requirement for me to do this since I pay maintenanceand take care of them every Wednesday evening and every other weekend.Pete
Pedro - 13-Jan-16 @ 6:56 PM
Josh - Your Question:
I've been split from my ex for nearly 3 years and divorced for about 6 months. I have 2 children 13 and 10 who live with their mum in the family home. I have always paid my way and am lucky to have a good job which enables me to pay a high rate of maintenance. I also pay for half the mortgage and extra payments when I get extra income. Our financials have not been completed as she won't agree to anything. She didn't want to do a financial disclosure but demands a copy of my p60 yearly which I have refused. She now wants to take me to court to basically ruin me when all I have done is the right thing by my children. I just don't know what to do anymore, can she demand a financial disclosure now, do I have to keep paying half the mortgage for only a 30% equity share. I've had a solicitor but now represent myself as I don't want to keep spending my children's inheritance on this. I'm a good person and good dad but my ex doesn't seem to want to trust me even though I always pay the children's maintenance on time and send her extra. Dads do seem to get a really hard deal when it comes to divorce, the mums seem to hold all the cards.

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. A clean financial break might be what you need to release you from this. Despite what you say, the courts will try to be fair and will attempt to rule for what it thinks is in the best interests of your children. You do not have to pay your ex above and beyond what the CMS would calculate (see link here). I'm afraid I cannot give any more useful advice as it will be up to the courts to decide about what happens to your house, when it should be sold and the percentage of equity you may recieve. However, I do suggest you continue paying the mortgage for the time being as this will help you in court and your future claim on the house.
SeparatedDads - 14-Dec-15 @ 2:28 PM
I've been split from my ex for nearly 3 years and divorced for about 6 months. I have 2 children 13 and 10 who live with their mum in the family home. I have always paid my way and am lucky to have a good job which enables me to pay a high rate of maintenance. I also pay for half the mortgage and extra payments when I get extra income. Our financials have not been completed as she won't agree to anything. She didn't want to do a financial disclosure but demands a copy of my p60 yearly which I have refused. She now wants to take me to court to basically ruin me when all I have done is the right thing by my children. I just don't know what to do anymore, can she demand a financial disclosure now, do I have to keep paying half the mortgage for only a 30% equity share. I've had a solicitor but now represent myself as I don't want to keep spending my children's inheritance on this. I'm a good person and good dad but my ex doesn't seem to want to trust me even though I always pay the children's maintenance on time and send her extra. Dads do seem to get a really hard deal when it comes to divorce, the mums seem to hold all the cards.
Josh - 13-Dec-15 @ 9:15 AM
Mac - Your Question:
I've been paying my Csa through a deo since 2001 I was assessed in 2007. Now my children are 18 my Csa has stopped now they saying no Csa was not paid between 1/8/06 till 24/7/08 even though I have paid it through a deo. I haven't got my wage slip for 06/07/08 to prove it they say I am in areas of 10,000 pounds what can I do please help

Our Response:
If you think you have been treated unfairly or you are sure you have paid (can you speak to your employer/former employer to ask for the records to be checked), then you can complain or appeal, please see link here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 2-Dec-15 @ 10:59 AM
I've been paying my Csa through a deo since 2001 I was assessed in 2007 . Now my children are 18 my Csa has stopped now they saying no Csa was not paid between 1/8/06 till 24/7/08 even though I have paid it through a deo. I haven't got my wage slip for 06/07/08 to prove it they say I am in areas of 10,000 pounds what can I do please help
Mac - 1-Dec-15 @ 2:28 PM
Thanks Sean it's mega hard feel like my heart is ripped in two I shared so many good times with my ex and I would do anything to get her back the fact that she has completely shut down on me.kills me the most everytime I see the baby she's always got her mam with her she won't allow me to see the baby any other way and it's making me nervous
gaz - 23-Sep-15 @ 10:55 AM
With regards to your latest reply to my comment the mistakes I made with my ex was that one night during the night feeds my ex found that I left my daughter in sicky clothing etc and throughout the relationship I was being harsh and demanding attention feeling left out and unloved I was being so stupid and I'm disgusted with myself for it i should of known better after all she's been through with the bad start to the baby being born 12 weeks prem and having fluid on the brain and hospital transfers which I was there for every step of the way, I felt left out because when the baby eventually came home her family was around all day every day and I felt I wasn't getting the correct bonding with my daughter I wanted so I piled pressure on here I really wish I never because I've lost the person I loved and my best friend and I really don't want to give up on her I would do anything to get her back but she keeps saying there's no going back :( I just want my little family back I've longed to have a family of my own for many years now it's gone :( should I give up?I'm not a bad person I have contributed in every way I could just acted badly in terms of family around 24/7 etc etc now I feel completely worthless in terms of providing and giving her the receipts I'm worried that she could turn around and say I haven't paid for the goods and bin the receipts
gaz - 23-Sep-15 @ 10:48 AM
@Gaz - I've been reading your comments, it sounds like you are having a tough time, but don't give up mate. All of us dads have to go through these things. I remember when my daughter was born, I felt pushed out too, it's not uncommon. No one gives you the rule book when it comes to having kids, and all of a sudden there's this little thing that's demanding attention from everyone and getting it. Us men can feel pushed out for years. Don't take this the wrong way, it sounds like you have a bit of growing up to do. Instead of turning in on yourself and seeing the negative try to turn it round and take control of the situation in a productive way. Don't harass your ex, but try to prove yourself independently. You're not a bad person, so make sure she knows it. Try and be positive, and not think of yourself in this situation, but of your child. Being positive can work wonders. I hope it works out for you. We're all in a similar boat, us men, and it's not easy!
Sean - 23-Sep-15 @ 10:10 AM
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