While it can be easy to spend the months and even years after your relationship looking back with feelings of guilt and regret, it really is possible to change your life for the future. In recent years, there has been an explosion in self-help and spirituality books and DVDs that all claim to be able to change your life simply through the power of positive thinking. While positive thinking can help, it is not everything. This is because there is a big difference between positive thinking, and actual belief.
Conscious Versus Subconscious
You cannot tell yourself every day that you are rich, successful and happy when your subconscious mind tells you that you are useless, weak and a failure. This is because your conscious mind may accept things on the surface, but underneath your subconscious mind keeps reinforcing long-held beliefs about your weaknesses. Quite often these beliefs will manifest themselves into behaviour that we notice in our lives as being repetitive, but often we won’t know how to change them or worse we feel that we must accept them because that is ‘just how we are’. This is not true.
Train Your Mind
There are fantastic ways to change your life, without resorting to drastic measures. While positive thought is a very large part of change, you will need to begin to believe that you are able to change for there to be any lasting effect. For example, if you feel overwhelmed by guilt at the end of your relationship, and in particular the fact that you no longer spend as much time with your children as you would like, tell yourself that you are a good father every day.
Get in Touch With Yourself
To begin this process, it can be very helpful to look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you and accept you, just as you are”. Don’t worry, you don’t have to do this with an audience, and no one need ever know that you have done this! A lot of people find it almost impossible to do this. Others burst into tears, while some burst out laughing and try to avoid it. But what is interesting about this is that you are telling yourself that you acknowledge your own needs. Once you have done this, you can begin to work on yourself and the ways in which you most want to see change.
To take our example, you may want to use the mirror again. Say: “I am a good father and my children love me,” followed by, “You are a good father and your children love you.” In doing this in the first person and the third person, you are telling both your conscious and subconscious minds. This technique can work with all areas of your life, from your personal relationships, to your career, social life and your successes, as well as being an effective remedy for stress. Take a moment to think about what you CAN change (rather than what you cannot) and formulate your own ‘affirmations’ to repeat to yourself every day.
The Effects of Affirmations
There are no over-night miracles with this process. When you begin to use affirmations you may begin to feel better very quickly, such as within 24 hours, or it may take several weeks to begin to feel the effects. You could notice that people begin to react to you differently, or that you feel that ‘things start to go your way’. You might realise that it was you holding you back rather than anyone else, or you could find the courage to face something you previously thought was impossible. Of course, if you dismiss this without having an open mind it is unlikely to work, but millions of people around the world have benefitted from these simple exercises. If you genuinely want to change your life, why not give it a try?
Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.
My girlfriend and I of 7 years are in the midst of a break up. We have 3 children 6, 3 and 1. I am extremely close with our children. I am there and feel the need to be there when they wake up in the morning, be with them after work and for them to know their Father is there when they go to sleep. We live in "Her" house and its kinda weird for us to still be around each other dealing with our break up. I Love our children with every ounce of my being and really cannot fathom walking out and looking like the dad who walked out on his children. Of course I will be portrayed that way, but most of all what my children see and how they will feel. Im kinda of suffering mentally because I have to be around our children daily and stand as the father that I have been to each of them since all three of their births. Im having trouble with that and would like some helpful advice.
Kevin - 15-Oct-20 @ 4:53 AM
My daughter was born last year in December. She lives and stays with her mom in Canada. I live and work in the states. I never held my babygirl. She’s 5 months now. Only way I stay involved is FaceTime. And being a provider sending her $ for her needs. Iwas sober for awhile then I fell back into my addictions. Drinking and smoking. I know I have to stop and grow up. This is not the way I wanted things to be. I should be holding my daughter, making my baby laugh. Giving her my all.
Don - 5-Jun-20 @ 4:52 AM
How can I put forward my case to a judge that my ex had an affair and that our middle child is not mine.
Ex changed completely after middle child was born a real anti christ tbh
Has introduced a new partner to the 3 children as an old friend and verbally told me the emotional disconnect was over a decade ago time frame is about fight
Mac - 25-Mar-20 @ 9:04 AM
Sunshine - Your Question:
Hi I need help my ex for 11yrs. Cheated on me he owns the house we lived in. I'm still here he left. I been paying all bills. Once we moved in. M still paying bills and he's trying to kick me out now. For no reason. Because my name is not on the deed but I still pay over 700. In bills.can he still kick me out. Thank you
You don't say whether you are married or not as it does make a difference, please see CAB link here. Wherever you live you would have to pay bills. Therefore, in order to register a 'beneficial interest' on the property much depends upon how long you have been together, if you have children together and what you have contributed to the house in the past.
SeparatedDads - 26-Apr-17 @ 10:11 AM
Hi I need help my ex for 11yrs. Cheated on me he owns the house we lived in. I'm still here he left. I been paying all bills. Once we moved in. M still paying bills and he's trying to kick me out now. For no reason. Because my name is not on the deed but I still pay over 700. In bills.can he still kick me out.Thank you
Sunshine - 25-Apr-17 @ 2:23 AM
Scoobydoo- Your Question:
To think my little girl of 15months has never been away from me and now hasn't seen me for a whole month is destroying me, when my ex and her grown up children are rowing, all female, screaming at each other in the same room as her, I'd walk in the room see her. Crying, upon seeing me cry 'da' reach out for me, I instantly pick her up and take her out of the equation, hum softly to her, automaticly she becomes relaxed, she hasn't got that anymore
I am very sorry to hear this. I have included a link to one of our other articles which may offer some support here. I can understand that you are finding the separation very difficult. But hopefully, you are applying for access which means you will be able to see and spend time with your daughter again soon.
SeparatedDads - 5-Oct-15 @ 12:38 PM
To think my little girl of 15months has never been away from me and now hasn'tseen me for a whole month is destroying me, when my ex and her grown up children are rowing, all female, screaming at each other in the same room as her, I'd walk in the room see her. Crying, upon seeing me cry 'da' reach out for me,I instantly pick her up and take her out of the equation, hum softly to her,
automaticly she becomes relaxed,she hasn't got that anymore
Scoobydoo - 4-Oct-15 @ 6:15 PM
Mate just read your msg, the last half of that rings so true, I'm going thru that now, just been told by my x who left 2weeks ago,to live at her mums,that I'm not seeing my one year old daughter over Xmas. I've been lucky enough to have worked from home for 14 months. So I've been able to spend so much time with her than most busy dads, but that's also means I've a very strong bond with her. It's braking my hart. But you have to be a strong dad, it f*+>] ing painful, but will ease. I was close a few days ago. Be a good dad, good luck be calm be patient buddyxc
Listen 2 - 19-Dec-14 @ 1:55 AM
hi james here, my partner of 12 years ended our relationship this year, we have a 6 yr old son who i can only see 12 hours a week at a struggle with her, in the end of march we were expecting our second child when we ran into difficulty and lost the baby, my partner recovered slowly from that awful day but within 3 weeks something went wrong and she went to her parents and her dad accused me of pushing her and it went to court and i got landed with a protection order to my complete shock, i had to leave the home i built for us, cancel alot of work and spend to date 7000 euro in trying to see my son, she wont talk to me at all and im finding it awful to deal with this the last 8 months seeing my son walk away from me when i drop him home is the absolute worst, i cannot explain her actions and tried to get our doctor to do something but to no avail and her parents have been nothing but trouble with all this obviously taking her word for it, im finding myself slowly losing hope in us as a family and losing hope for my own life and being separated from them is unbelieveably difficult for me to deal with, i could never understand why people commit suicide but with what im living with i do understand now and its no surprise why it happens, lately im finding myself been so alone and isolated, ive always been a quiet guy and somewhat reserved to what i would speak about to people and i see myself cracking up inside from all this, i love my girl so much its just totally heartbreaking and i just cannot stop crying at times thinking about her, the loneliness at night is the worst sleeping without her and the pain is just so unforgiving in my heart, i only sleep about 3 hours a night now because i just cant stop my mind loving her, its so bad i would hate anyone to be in this situation, i would rather die from the worst form of cancer without any treatment than to go through this, thanks and sorry for the sad message