Home > Case Studies > When Daddy Got a New Girlfriend: A Case Study

When Daddy Got a New Girlfriend: A Case Study

By: Emma Jones - Updated: 5 Sep 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Daddy Girlfriend Mummy New Partner New

Alesha, 7, was scared that her Dad only wanted to spend time with his new girlfriend, but now says they have become friends.

“I was very sad when Daddy moved out as I couldn’t see him every day. I missed him reading me a story when I went to bed and playing with me in the garden. Mummy was sad, too, and used to cry in her bed. When I did get to see him it was a lot of fun and he would take me to the zoo or to go swimming and play in the park.

“My friend’s Dad moved out but then he came back again and I was hoping that my Daddy would, too. I would pray and ask God to make him come back but it didn’t work. Mummy told me that he still loved me but that they were not very happy living together.”

A New Girlfriend

“One day when I went to visit Daddy he said that there was somebody that he wanted me to meet. Her name was Alison and she had long black hair and was very pretty. He said that she was his friend and was going to come out with us for the day. I didn’t really want her to as I wanted to just be with Daddy but she was lots of fun.

“When I went home and told Mummy about Alison, she was very angry. I could hear her on the phone shouting at Daddy but I don’t know what she was saying. After that, I didn’t really want to see Alison because I didn’t want to make Mummy angry.”

Daddy’s Girl

“I didn’t see Daddy as much for the next few months and Mummy would say it was because of Alison. I didn’t really know what she meant but I was worried that Daddy was going to replace her with me and loved her more. I was sad that I didn’t get to see him and was scared that he would stop visiting."

A few months later, Alesha went to stay with her Dad and he told her all about Alison. He explained that she was his new girlfriend and that he loved her but Alesha would always be his favourite girl.

Making Friends

“I didn’t want Daddy to love Alison but I was happy that he loved me, too. At first, I wouldn’t talk to Alison and would ignore her when she came round. She kept coming over though so eventually I decided that it was boring to keep ignoring her.

“Once I started talking to her I thought she was quite nice and she asked if we could be friends. I said that we could be and that made her and Daddy smile. Now I don’t mind seeing her and she is good at making brownies. She is not always there when I go to see Daddy which is good, because sometimes I just want to see him. Mummy doesn’t seem as angry at her now but I don’t really talk about her when I’m not with Daddy.”

For more information, see our articles Introducing A New Partner To Your Children and When Your Ex Gets A New Partner on this site.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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@Spock - I'd always put my kids first, you owe them more in terms of loyalty. I know your new g/f wants to spend time with you but surely she must understand why it is necessary to see and support your son. If she had her daughter over at weekends, I'm sure she wouldn't feel the same and expect you to fit in with her. It's a tough decision - but you have to weigh up your priorities and only you can do that. DF
Dan76* - 13-Apr-17 @ 2:11 PM
I have an adult son with very slight autism and have separated from his mum. I work a demanding job that includes a lot of weekends. My problems are my new partner thinks that I shouldn't see him when I have a weekend off if we haven't had a weekend free. I try and see him every other weekend from Friday 4pm to Sunday 4pm but it is hard if I have worked the previous weekend because my new girlfriend wants time with me. Her daughter stays with her dad mon wed and Fri nights. Feeling torn between my girlfriend who I love and my son who I love and I feel really misses me
Spock - 8-Apr-17 @ 11:16 PM
@carol - You can only ask him straight for the answers. He may have a good enough reason i.e it's early days and he may want nothing to get in the way of his divorce. But, if he starts making excuses then you may need to try to ascertain whether he is making excuses. I can understand if he is not introducing you to his kids just yet, but his parents are a different matter because they are on his side, not his ex's. Give yourself a deadline, if he hasn't introduced you to his parents or kids after a year, then there is something he is not telling you. Suse.
Susie^ - 24-Feb-17 @ 2:40 PM
I'm 30 single without kid, dating for the past 7 months,a man of 46 with 2 kids of 14 and 6years old who is in the process of divorce.we are both in love and he was franck to me about his status, throughout the relationship I often ask my man to introduceme to his parent and his house to know much about him and be more confident as it must be done, unfortunatelyhe keeps tellingme to be patientfor the right time to come. I feel a bit anxious, I often examined myself get a bit worried sometime. I wish I could get answers to my questions. can I cope with it? what to do? should I quite the relationship ?should I be patient?despite thatI'm not the cost of theirdivorce.I'm in love. but I'm ready for any advice.
carol - 24-Feb-17 @ 11:57 AM
M - Your Question:
Husband left for affair partner. She find out he lied to her and get stoppy if I text him regarding our child. So to keep the peace he doesnt reply. If talking to him on phone for like 30s he will pretend he talk to daughter. Why he is made uncorfortable to send a reply. The texts are just about what time will he call her things like that. I am scared that if a emergency he wont pick up. What can I do so he understand our 9 years old child is not a go between for communication between parents.

Our Response:
It's a difficult situation and one that many separated parents face with new spouses and/or partners. If your ex does not wish to let his new partner know, this is up to him. I can only suggest that if there is an emergency you agree a code text word, which means your ex should contact you asap. As frustrating and/or as difficult as it is I'm afraid this is something you will have to respect and try to work around.
SeparatedDads - 12-Sep-16 @ 11:26 AM
Husband left for affair partner. She find out he lied to her and get stoppy if i text him regarding our child. So to keep the peace he doesnt reply . If talking to him on phone for like 30s he will pretend he talk to daughter. Why he is made uncorfortable to send a reply . The texts are just about what time will he call her things like that. I am scared that if a emergency he wont pick up. What can i do so he understand our 9 years old child is not a go between for communication between parents.
M - 11-Sep-16 @ 9:44 AM
@Kibblesmagee - integrating into another person's family is never easy when there are all sorts of emotions flying around. Trying to get to the bottom of those emotions and untangle them is even more difficult, and that's when you're an adult. Can you imagine what it's like for a kid? Especially as they find it so difficult to articulate at five. I suppose it's all about taking it slowly and re-assure them that you're not trying to get in the way of their relationship between them and their dad. I certainly wouldn't take it personally that they want to spend time alone with their dad, of course they do, they only see him every second weekend. You've only known them for four months so some adjustment will be needed - step back a bit, let their dad have time with them. It's very early days and some people wait a long time before they introduce their new partners. It's still all new to the kids, but hopefully they will begin to thaw. But I never tried to tell my GF's kids if they were doing something wrong, didn't feel it was my place at all, not for the first year or so anyway. I feel personally that has to be done gradually.
Rich7410 - 2-Sep-16 @ 9:31 AM
I have recently started dating a guy who has 2 children, ages 5 and 6.. One girl and one boy. I met them 4 months ago when I first started dating my partner. Just recently I have had a few issues with the youngest girl and she has been wanting her Dad alot and basically crieds when he isnt around etc. She plays continues games with me at the age of 5. This week when my partner was speaking with the children and they told their Dad they just wanted to spend time with just him and not me. My partner thinks its a jealousy thing or the fact that maybe I havent bonded with them enough etc. My thoughts are that I see them every second weekend, and my partner is quite vauge at the best of times and tunes out when the kids are doin something I dont agree with... In a nice and proper way I tell thm its not ok to do what their doin etc. I personally think the kids are just missing their Dad and want to spend more time with him etc. Im not really sure what or how I should build a relationship with these two kids even though I only see them every 2nd weekend... And well their Dad is always their... so it makes it phyiscally impossible for them just to be happy to be spending time with me and their Dad... Any thoughts or suggestions on how I could approach things differently or what advise someone could offer me relating this situation?
Kibblesmagee - 2-Sep-16 @ 4:22 AM
Alex - Your Question:
Hi,I have recently left my wife and my daughter to be with another woman, I am not proud of what I have done or that I had an affair, all that matters is my daughter is not upset by it all.That said I have been trying to push my daughter to meet my 'friend' and now my new girlfriend is worried that she wont like her or accept it.I am worried that if I push it too much will it stop my daughter wanting to see me, but at the same time I don't want my new girlfriend to be upset and I lose her in the process

Our Response:
You don't say how old your daughter is or how long you have been separated. If it was recently, as you say, then your daughter will be coming to terms with the separation. As specified in the article Introducing a New Partner to Your Children, link here. 'The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as their new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step-parents have bad reputations. Give your children a chance to become used to her and vice versa.' In addition, if your new partner is an empathetic person, she will understand why you may not want to rush into introducing your daughter to her and she will also understand that such an event needs time and careful handling. Also you want to be sure that the relationship is right before you embark on trying to integrate your daughter into your new relationship. It is never an easy issue to tackle, but you have to go with your gut instinct and do what you feel is best for your daughter first and foremost, as your girlfriend being older, should have the maturity to comprehend.
SeparatedDads - 26-Jan-16 @ 2:51 PM
Hi, I have recently left my wife and my daughter to be with another woman, I am not proud of what I have done or that I had an affair, all that matters is my daughter is not upset by it all. That said I have been trying to push my daughter to meet my 'friend' and now my new girlfriend is worried that she wont like her or accept it. I am worried that if I push it too much will it stop my daughter wanting to see me, but at the same time I don't want my new girlfriend to be upset and I lose her in the process
Alex - 26-Jan-16 @ 1:14 PM
hi , ive just found out that my ex whom i have a three year old with has been seeing a girl for a year, has introduced my son to her from pretty much the beginning, and gone away on holiday together for two nights all together recently. I also know that my child has been told to lie to me about the girl, pretend she doesnt exist. the father doesnt know i know all this. I just dont know what to do, i feel so disrespted , especially since he knows that having a girlfriend wouldnt be a problem. i can belive my child has been told to lie, i feel sick and cant stop crying. this is wrong isnt it? i can be a real pushover and if i say anything he could convince me i have no reason to be upset over this, so i just want to get someones opinion for a bit of support.
mug - 30-Jun-15 @ 10:59 PM
@Robbie - it is never easy for fathers to have another man come into the life of their child, never mind another man's family as well, so it is quite understandable that you feel this way. While it may seem to your ex that she is utilising a practical offer from her new partner's parents that will save her money and seems like a good idea, to you it is obviously a betrayal of sorts, especially if your own parents are also free to look after her. Have you spoke to her and told her how you feel? If you get on ok, it might be worth just sitting down and having a chat, she may not have realised that this move may upset you and has seen it merely as a handy solution to a problem. I would imagine that your ex has weighed up the situation and as your daughter's mother wouldn't leave your daughter in anyone's care where she may come to harm. Unfortunately, her partner's parents will become your daughter's new step-grandparents once married and as long as you feel your daughter is being properly looked after then it might have to be something you might not necessarily like but are powerless to do much about it except to offer your own parents or your own help if required. However, it is nice to know that they have set up a room to your daughter and have obviously welcomed into their family with love. You may feel even worse if it was someone that was not going to treat her as their own.
SeparatedDads - 9-Mar-15 @ 12:25 PM
Hi, Am I over reacting? I have one child to my ex and we have been seperated for over 2 years. She is engaged and has been in her relationship with her new partner for over a year. The thing is my ex has made the decision to take our child out of nursery one day of the week and for some of those days her new partners parents will look after our child. Her parents work shifts and my own mother looks after my sisters kids most of the week and is also of retirement age. Her partners parents have a room set up for our daughter too. Is this normal!?
Robbie - 6-Mar-15 @ 2:31 PM
@ Dean - moving on is always a tricky one and needs to be approached sensitively. It is expected that both of you will eventually move on and into different relationships and it seems unreasonable for her to think your children will never meet your ex. Have you discussed this with her rationally and asked what her fears about it are? She has no right to stop you, but she can make it difficult. Perhaps she is worried about your re-location and how it might affect the children. The best advice I can offer is try and discuss it with her and tell her she can't expect you to exclude your children from whatever new life you decide upon. As you in turn wouldn't want to stop your children seeing any new partner she decides to bring into her life.
Matthew - 20-Nov-14 @ 11:11 AM
Hi I am seeking advice,clarification me and my ex have 2 kids together we split up a few months back the kids live with her and I see them nearly ever weekend. I've a new partner who lives the opposite end of the country who I see every 3 weeks she also has children. I haven't meet her kids and she hasn't meet mine. I am hoping in the new year for her to meet my children and visa versa. I've told my ex this and she is not for it all what I understand to a point. My first question is can she stop me from the kids meeting my new partner. I am on the birth certificate and was there for both births?? What do I have to tell my ex about my current partner?? I don't want to tell her anything purely because of the way she is acting (they don't know each other) thirdly as said earlier my new partner live the other side of the country I am looking at relocating down to her end of March next year I told my ex so she couldn't accuse me of creeping up on her with this info. I don't think she will allow me to take the kids to my new partners house in time so can she do this by law??
Dean - 19-Nov-14 @ 6:59 PM
Hi I am seeking advice,clarification me and my ex have 2 kids together we split up a few months back the kids live with her and I see them nearly ever weekend. I've a new partner who lives the opposite end of the country who I see every 3 weeks she also has children. I haven't meet her kids and she hasn't meet mine. I am hoping in the new year for her to meet my children and visa versa. I've told my ex this and she is not for it all what I understand to a point. My first question is can she stop me from the kids meeting my new partner. I am on the birth certificate and was there for both births?? What do I have to tell my ex about my current partner?? I don't want to tell her anything purely because of the way she is acting (they don't know each other) thirdly as said earlier my new partner live the other side of the country I am looking at relocating down to her end of March next year I told my ex so she couldn't accuse me of creeping up on her with this info. I don't think she will allow me to take the kids to my new partners house in time so can she do this by law??
Dean - 19-Nov-14 @ 6:46 PM
That is the most 'made up' trite account I have ever heard.Almost a fairytale ending.Here's a tip.If you don't have kids yourself - look for someone else who doesn't have kids - there are plenty out there, then you can stop trying to convince yourselves that having you in the kids lives is the greatest thing for them since sliced bread
Pendelly - 12-Sep-14 @ 2:17 AM
I would like some advice. My ex has found someone else at first I thought great he wont be hanging around on my doorstep when he dropped off my son on the sundays or picking him up on fridays. WRONG he still lingers and even after discussing in a proper fashion (being nice and diplomatic) and agreeing not to upset the little one he now drops another bombshell. he is moving into his new girlfriends house I have said my ex could have the little one stay the weekends but that was when he was living in his own house. I do not know his girlfriend in that I have no clue who she is, would be nice to meet her if my son is going to be in her house tho. I have no problems in her being around when my son is there with his dad only being told two month since that he was actually seeing someone elseand also him saying it was early days yet then introducing her. I have had to accept it as i have been ill informed.His answer to me having concerns about my son being introduced so soon got met with yer but I know her and known her since August last year. I am to say he least terrified that I have to somehow trust a complete utter stranger with my son even if like his dad says he will be there. Its heart wrenching and I am fearful for my sons safety I wouldnt be so if the relationship had been a long one before introduction but for it to be less than a year and this happens is hard to deal with. I was dabbling with the idea of putting forward a compromise for a bit until the relationship was well established that my son would stay at home but his dad could still see him at weekends throughout the day. I dont know if this is harsh which i dont want to be unreasonable or stop my son seeing his dad as its an important part of his development. Any advice ?
candyfluff25 - 14-Jul-14 @ 12:51 AM
My head is a spin and I need some advice ... I've been dating my BF for the last 7.5 months, we both have children from previous realtionships .. He has meet my children and spends the odd evening with us and when his kids not around my kids adn I stay at his etc. I have only meet his children once at the start of our realtionship and his ex found out and throwed the dummy out of the pram and that was the last time I saw them... now it has got so bad that I cant even skype/text when the kids are about, if I send a gift he tells them he got them from a garage sale because if he says there from a friend they might ask to many questions and he does not want to lie to them.. Im feeling hurt and upset and it makes me feel like "im a dirty little secret" i've tried talking to BF and he tells me not to be difficult and it will happen when hes done the diverson of property ... but I then start to think what will be the next reason he will come up with ...my kids feel like he ashamd/not good enough to meet his kids.... I have meet most of his friends, (even those that have children that mix with his kds) we go to church together on the non kid weekend (and he takes the kids to the same church when he has them) I think the world of him but Im starting to think this will be the end of us as it becoming a big issue. Am I the one here with the problem ?? how long should I give it before I call it a day ??
celadine14 - 20-Jul-12 @ 7:55 AM
I am in a difficult situation with my boyfriend. Before we got together he would sometimes go and stay with his ex in their house because his 10 year old daughter lives 2 and half hours away and he doesn't work so couldn't afford to stay in hotels. When we got together he told the ex about me and she became upset and said she still has feelings for him but he reassured me that she had done this in the past when he had met someone and shown no interest when they had tried to make a go of things for his daughter's sake.After 5 months of being together I made allowances for him to stay with them over christmas because that is what they always do and the change would be hard for his daughter. He promised me after Christmas that he would never do that to me again as he knows how hard it was for me and we would begin to plan to meet her as the relationship was becoming more serious. The ex then began to send him texts asking if it was really over between them and if he loved me. He told her that he di love me and ever since then things have turned into chaos.He stayed there again in march, which I was not happy about, but again I sacrificed my feelings because his daughter was going to disneyland with her mum and he agreed to look after their pets and the house. He then got drunk and cheated on me with her. It was hard but I forgave him when he told me as he made a mistake and says it's me he loves. His daughter came to stay with him and he talked to her about me and she was open to meeting me, so it was going to be arranged. Then a few weeks went by and the ex had told him that his daughter had a tantrum at school because her dad's new girlfriend had taken him away from her and the ex says his daughter never ever wants to meet me. I don't trust this ex and my boyfriend will not confront his daughter about what happened because he doesn't want to upset her. The daughter has refused to come and stay with him and 7 weeks had passed and the ex told him to come and stay there. I am devastated as I tried everything and now he is there and we have been fighting at how angry I am at the ex and him for not organising proper arranged access or talking to his daughter about how she is feeling. I am at the point of breaking up with him because he has been made to feel it's me or her and it is too much, I haven't even met her yet.
Sara - 17-Jun-12 @ 10:13 AM
Can I just ask a question here please. An ex has a new gf who has a history of drug abuse, is an alcoholic and is known to be violent. Am I deluded in thinking that to introduce a child to them after 4 unstable on again, off again months together, and get the child to lie to their mother is wrong???? Then to top it all off because the mother has stopped him from havng them to stay because he has broken the trust, they agreed to keep any future gf/bf completely separate from the children unless it was serious and more than a yr old, he has said that he will cease time with them if he cant hve them and has stopped maintenance payments, but still try to play games emotionally with them by sending his family round with presents. The children want to see them, the mother wants the children to see them, but he cant see that introducing this vile person into their lives, when their parents only split up just over a year ago is wrong. Obviously mum only has their welfare to think of and is very concerned about the children mixing with this person. So y cant the father see that what he is doing is wrong. Yet wen he is 'off' he wanted to be the doting dad and wen he was 'on' he couldnt be bothered!!!! Is it just me or does this pattern not seem completely right???? Poor mum just gets criticised that she isnt doing the right thing but what is she supposed to do?? please help us understand this very confusing situation. To cap it all the ex's mother messages the older child asking him to contact dad, when dad has said no contact!!! The childrens emotions are all over the place and she just wants them settled, she says that the children arnt to be afraid of talking about dad and how much they miss him but she has her hands tied and is rele at a loss to what to do for the best. Cheers.
inquisitive - 17-Jun-12 @ 5:21 AM
I am the 'girlfriend' and similar to your girlfriend Brad, his kids took to me straight away.... we had lots of fun together and they had 'family' time with their Dad without me.... it was perfect for around 5 months... until his little boy told his mum that he 'loved' me.... the mother went absolutely ballistic and stopped the kids from seeing their Dad!! She told them that he love me more than them and that HE didn't want to see them!!! Thankfully his daughter was 12 and was able to contact us via facebook and texts... her mother got her password and pretended to be her own daughter so that she could spy on us and tell the kids that what we were doing was selfish and wrong (we had a night out together (we were not 'allowed' to have 'adult time') or to drink alcohol.... the mother started writing nasty comments on our fb wall and contacted my previous employer to find out anything bad about me (we live in a small town where everyone knows someone) but she couldn't... we changed our land line number and deleted our fb accounts to limit the mothers access to our information.But throughout the time my partner was prevented to see his kids... she had some how managed to convince them that their Dad was a violent man who loved his girlfriend more than them (he went round to her house when the mother sent him a text to tell him the kids were upset because she had told them he didn't love them any more - he was fuming and upset, but tried to sort the situation out rationally).She threatened to call the police etc so he left... she knew exactly what she was doing!! He has never missed a child care payment in over 3 years (since they split up) and has done all he can to remain in contact with them but 2 years down the line he has a distant relationship with his kids and his daughter is an unhappy child..... she is scared to say anything about us to her mother in case the mother stops her come around.... we cannot afford a solicitor so live in hope that one day the kids will see what the mother has done and realise that there Dad loves them as much today as he did when they were born. For me... I'm broken hearted that the mother of kids is not adult enough to realise that the kids were very happy having all 3 of us in their life and that I was never a threat to her (her kids loving me)... she had broken the relationship they had with their Dad because of her own insecurities... :(
helpless - 8-Jun-12 @ 10:39 AM
I am separated with 2 kids who live with their mother, I have a new girlfriend who my kids really like, they immediately took to her and constantly ask to speak with her whenever were on the phone. The trouble is the ex does nothing but say very nasty things about my new girl friend to the kids. I personally would never dream of doing this if she had a new fella as it is childish and petty. To be honest I wish she would hurry up and find someone as it appears she can only be civil if she is also seeing someone but as soon as it goes pear shaped its back to being nasty. I wouldn't mind but the marriage is over because she was unfaithful. I have thousands of messages from her which I have kept just in case I need them in the future when I seek custody of my kids. After seeing the lack of basic hygiene of my kids when I had them last I am seriously considering just removing them from her care.
Brad - 28-May-12 @ 11:36 AM
Wow, she sounds just like my boyfriend's son. This was nice to read, helped me realise why he's being so weird towards me lately.Thank you.
Sand - 15-Apr-11 @ 8:24 AM
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