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Introducing a New Partner to Your Children

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 30 Oct 2018 | comments*Discuss
 
Separated Dads Children Partner

One of the most stressful things you can do as a separated father is to introduce your children to your new partner. You want everyone to like and accept everyone else – and you’re really not sure what you’ll do if that doesn’t happen. There are no guarantees, of course, but there are a number of things you can do to try to ensure everything goes smoothly. That’s especially important for your children, who won’t understand a lot of the dynamics, and who after all, are the most important things to you.

What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?

The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a Serious Relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.

It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.

One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.

The First Meeting

The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress. Introduce your partner as a friend. Don’t kiss her and hold her and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.

Moving On

You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children. But do have her join you regularly. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on their age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.

If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about Decorating Rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.

If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.

Encountering Problems

You can’t force your children to get along with your new partner, so what happens if they don’t? Well, there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between your partner and your children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end. The best thing to do is try everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.

If You Leave For Someone Else

The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as their new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step-parents have bad reputations. Give your children a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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Hi, my ex has been stopping me see my son with my girlfriend that I have been with for two years. I am having to separate my time with my partner and her kids to spend time with my son on our own, and not as a family. This is causing problems between me and my girlfriend and as I work 6 days a week and on the 7th I’m with my son, I don’t get to spend any time with my girlfriend and her children as well as my son together. What can I do? I have suggested mediation on which she has booked a date in over 3 months and has mentioned that she will need to delay it further. This is causing great amount of stress on myself as well as not being able to have my son over. Any advice?
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GEORGE - 24-Aug-18 @ 3:06 PM
@clarke.that is my biggest fear with my x she has many boyfriend and girlfriends coming and going and( full access to my daughter and her halfbrother) there is so many freaks out there it would worry me and when drinking I get angry and think bad thoughts and picture my daughter been subjected to abuse and work myself up .so today I have renewed my gym membership been over 14 months sense I last trained getting sloppy and old and cut back on the drink and stay focussed on what I want that is my daughter and I to have a stable relationship and for her to be able to come to me with anything and no she has a safe home with me .
C.laurie - 23-Aug-18 @ 2:21 AM
Hi.. I'm currently trying to get my ex to allow me to introduce my kids to my new partner but she's having none of it.. this is having major impact on y,mew relationship as we are planning on moving in together.. worse part about this is she has already introduced my kids to a fling she had a left them over night with him for it to end a few weeks later.. what do I do
Clarke - 23-Aug-18 @ 12:59 AM
Lionel rose - Your Question:
All I want is one weekend a month and one week at Christmas.and keep the deal of not paying child support and we signed parenting plan that I draw up and my child mother signed.she must bring all there own cloths and shoes when they stay with me and her mother never call when I have them.i call her if something goes wrong.and her mother gives my daughter 100 pounds for the weekend I have them.?

Our Response:
If you cannot decide between you, you may wish to suggest mediation, please see the link here .
SeparatedDads - 10-Aug-18 @ 1:50 PM
Rocky Bilboa - Your Question:
Hi,My ex forced me out of the family home a week before Christmas when she was pregnant on our 3rd child. She gave birth in April 18. 3 days after she gave birth I called to the house to collect some of my remaining stuff and in the kitchen were 2 empty wine bottles she had drank the night before. I called child services and reported my concerns to them. Her reaction was to stop me from seeing or speaking to my children for 3 months and I had to bring her to court for access and guardianship of the 3 children which was granted. It was sorted out in the corridors of the court house between our solicitors and never made it in front of a judge. A week later I found out that 1 month into the 3 months she blocked all access and contact between me and the children, she moved a guy she met on a dating website into the house with my newborn son, 2 year old daughter and 6 year old son. I understand relationships break down and people move on and I can live with that. But moving a complete stranger in with a new born baby after a few weeks? She will not give me any details of who he is and has not introduced himself to me to explain his interest in my children. Is this legal from a moral welfare point of view? Its definitely not normal. I get to see my newborn son for a few hours on a Sunday and this complete stranger has full access and is nursing and living with him and my other children. I think it may be the first time in the history of life on earth that any sort of life form has done this. Where is the maternal instinct? For the record I'm going to get paternity testing done. I'm going out of my mind with worry. Anyone else experience anything like this?

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear you are having a tricky time. However, what your ex does whilst she is not in a relationship with you is entirely up to her. As painful as it is, there are no rules that states she can't move someone else in across such a short space of time. Obviously, you are concerned about your children but not everyone is out to harm or abuse children. In this case, you may wish to join the Separated Dads forum, as there will be dads who have been through similar issues and it may help you put some perspective on things and/or help you through this emotional situation. If your ex will not allow you access, then your only recourse is mediation and/or take the matter to court, please see the link here.
SeparatedDads - 9-Aug-18 @ 11:57 AM
All I want is one weekend a month and one week at Christmas .and keep the deal of not paying child support and we signed parenting plan that I draw up and my child mother signed.she must bring all there own cloths and shoes when they stay with me and her mother never call when I have them .i call her if something goes wrong .and her mother gives my daughter 100 pounds for the weekend I have them .?
Lionel rose - 7-Aug-18 @ 11:42 PM
Hi, My ex forced me out of the family home a week before Christmas when she was pregnant on our 3rd child. She gave birth in April 18. 3 days after she gave birth I called to the house to collect some of my remaining stuff and in the kitchen were 2 empty wine bottles she had drank the night before. I called child services and reported my concerns to them. Her reaction was to stop me from seeing or speaking to my children for 3 months and I had to bring her to court for access and guardianship of the 3 children which was granted. It was sorted out in the corridors of the court house between our solicitors and never made it in front of a judge. A week later I found out that 1 month into the 3 months she blocked all access and contact between me and the children, she moved a guy she met on a dating website into the house with my newborn son, 2 year old daughter and 6 year old son. I understand relationships break down and people move on and I can live with that. But moving a complete stranger in with a new born baby after a few weeks? She will not give me any details of who he is and has not introduced himself to me to explain his interest in my children. Is this legal from a moral welfare point of view? Its definitely not normal. I get to see my newborn son for a few hours on a Sunday and this complete stranger has full access and is nursing and living with him and my other children. I think it may be the first time in the history of life on earth that any sort of life form has done this. Where is the maternal instinct? For the record I'm going to get paternity testing done. I'm going out of my mind with worry. Anyone else experience anything like this?
Rocky Bilboa - 7-Aug-18 @ 7:59 PM
Stuck - Your Question:
Hi I'm looking for some advice. Me and my husband was together 8 years 2 kids 3 and 4 years. He left just over a year ago since then his dated 2 people. 1st one he turned in to a nasty person. And made me ill Intruduce are kids a few weeks into it,even though she was engaged when they met. Didn't last long at all. We then got back together for 2 weeks untill he left again. His now been seeing someone for 8 months. So we spoke about him intruducing the kids but little at a time. I've since found out she's been round house alot when kids are there. I've asked him as they've only met her 3 times can he please just keep it low key outside visits as daughter is getting upset. His refusing. Where do I stand? Thanks

Our Response:
There's little you can do to stop your ex getting on with his own life and making his own decisions as a parent. If he doesn't agree with your personal viewpoint, you could ask him to attend mediation in order to try to resolve these issues. However, your only other option is court, but it is highly unlikely a court would opt in your favour unless you could prove your ex's partner should not be part of your children's lives. The benchmark is to ask yourself whether you would ask permission from him when introducing another man to your children?
SeparatedDads - 10-Jul-18 @ 12:13 PM
Hi I'm looking for some advice. Me and my husband was together 8 years 2 kids 3 and 4 years. He left just over a year ago since then his dated 2 people. 1st one he turned in to a nasty person. And made me ill Intruduce are kids a few weeks into it,even though she was engaged when they met. Didn't last long at all. We then got back together for 2 weeks untill he left again. His now been seeing someone for 8 months. So we spoke about him intruducing the kids but little at a time. I've since found out she's been round house alot when kids are there. I've asked him as they've only met her 3 times can he please just keep it low key outside visits as daughter is getting upset. His refusing. Where do I stand? Thanks
Stuck - 9-Jul-18 @ 9:14 PM
Hi there it came to my attention on Saturday evening ( 28/4/18 ) that my ex partner has let my daughter stay with a man who she had recently just started a relationship with which they both met on Plenty Of Fish which is an online dating site and have only been seeing each other for approximately 3 months and was also told there was a picture taking of my daughter sleeping in this mans house and then placed over Facebook which then I looked into and seen and have a copy of it myself then I message my ex partner to enquire about this which at first she denied and said they where false to then I replied and told her that I had evidence of it as it was placed over Facebook which then she openly admitted over a text message that’s it’s none of my business what she does and who she leaves my girls with and she will leave them both with this new partner and she does not care what I say which to me is that her not acting in the best interest of our daughter due to this only being a recent relationship and she obviously doesn’t know this man well enough to allow any of her children stay over for a night so after that I took it upon myself to look further into this as this person in question is a friend of my mums freinds son so I looked further through his Facebook to seek further information and by my absolute utter shock I came across a post he placed on his Facebook stating “ good thing about a caravan site you can drink and drive haha ???? “ with his picture sat behind the wheel of his car holding a bottle of Budweiser and to shock me even more he was at this caravan site with both his children and my greatest fear is if he can brag on facebook about drink and driving with his own children then he’s more than capable of doing such a dangerous crime with both my children so I screenshot the picture for more evidence so then I contacted emergency social work on Sunday ( 29/04/2018 ) which to my absolute utter shock was told I had to contact the police which then I did do I went to my local police station to report what had been happening to then be told due to the circumstances I had to contact the social services office which I did do and to be told I had to contact social care direct to state my concerns which I find absolute shocking mainly due to the fact how serious this is and they will contact the social work service with my concerns which I’m totally shocked at how I have been passed around the way I have since Sunday when I strongly feel that the emergency social services should have stated to me to do that when I spoke to them and my other main concern is social work have a personal vendetta against me and feel that even though I have raised concerns at such a serious nature will not be treated in such away to the best interest off both my girls so then today I receive a call from social work to then be told there’s nothing they can do about it and had the utter cheek to then ask me what did I want them to do is there anyway I could possibly
Phil - 1-May-18 @ 6:02 PM
Hi there it came to my attention on Saturday evening ( 28/4/18 ) that my ex partner has let my daughter stay with a man who she had recently just started a relationship with which they both met on Plenty Of Fish which is an online dating site and have only been seeing each other for approximately 3 months and was also told there was a picture taking of my daughter sleeping in this mans house and then placed over Facebook which then I looked into and seen and have a copy of it myself then I message my ex partner to enquire about this which at first she denied and said they where false to then I replied and told her that I had evidence of it as it was placed over Facebook which then she openly admitted over a text message that’s it’s none of my business what she does and who she leaves my girls with and she will leave them both with this new partner and she does not care what I say which to me is that her not acting in the best interest of our daughter due to this only being a recent relationship and she obviously doesn’t know this man well enough to allow any of her children stay over for a night so after that I took it upon myself to look further into this as this person in question is a friend of my mums freinds son so I looked further through his Facebook to seek further information and by my absolute utter shock I came across a post he placed on his Facebook stating “ good thing about a caravan site you can drink and drive haha ???? “ with his picture sat behind the wheel of his car holding a bottle of Budweiser and to shock me even more he was at this caravan site with both his children and my greatest fear is if he can brag on facebook about drink and driving with his own children then he’s more than capable of doing such a dangerous crime with both my children so I screenshot the picture for more evidence so then I contacted emergency social work on Sunday ( 29/04/2018 ) which to my absolute utter shock was told I had to contact the police which then I did do I went to my local police station to report what had been happening to then be told due to the circumstances I had to contact the social services office which I did do and to be told I had to contact social care direct to state my concerns which I find absolute shocking mainly due to the fact how serious this is and they will contact the social work service with my concerns which I’m totally shocked at how I have been passed around the way I have since Sunday when I strongly feel that the emergency social services should have stated to me to do that when I spoke to them and my other main concern is social work have a personal vendetta against me and feel that even though I have raised concerns at such a serious nature will not be treated in such away to the best interest off both my girls so then today I receive a call from social work to then be told there’s nothing they can do about it and had the utter cheek to then ask me what did I want them to do is there anyway I could possibly
Phil - 1-May-18 @ 6:00 PM
Mick2008 - Your Question:
My ex and I split 5 years ago, and we have an eight year old son together. She has had a partner for the last 3 years (who I get on well with), however I remained single up until a year ago. I have been in a relationship for a year now and taking things slowly. My son knows about my girlfriend, but has not yet met her. My ex has demanded that she meets my girlfriend before I introduce him to my son. (We were never married). Does she have any right to do this? I am worried she will take my on away? Why should she meet my girlfriend first?

Our Response:
The question to ask is, whether you asked the same when she met her boyfriend? Did you ask to meet him prior to her introducing your son to him? Your ex does not have any right to ask this. She has moved on with her life and made her own decisions and therefore who you meet and who you wish to introduce your son to, should be up to you, if you have parental responsibility. However, this is in an ideal world and people don't always fit into such neat pigeonholes. The thing is to speak to your ex first and say that you have held off for a year and given you have PR, and if she knows you, that you will have the rationality not to introduce your son to someone who you thought wouldn't be in your son's best interests to be introduced to. But, you are an adult with a mind of your own and a life of your own and need to be treated as such. However, if this causes a problem, then you should suggest mediation as a way of trying to resolve this issue. I'm sure it's not that you mind introducing your ex to your child when you feel the time is right, but I'm sure both you and she don't want to be on parade and judged. If your ex persists, or refuses to attend mediation, your only recourse would be to apply to court for a contact order, which shouldn't be a problem if you have had access to date. It is highly unlikely a court would not allow you to have your current partner in your child's life (unless there was a very valid reason). However, court is always seen as a last resort and therefore negotiation is always considered best.
SeparatedDads - 23-Jan-18 @ 1:50 PM
My ex and I split 5 years ago, and we have an eight year old son together. She has had a partner for the last 3 years (who I get on well with), however I remained single up until a year ago. I have been in a relationship for a year now and taking things slowly. My son knows about my girlfriend, but has not yet met her. My ex has demanded that she meets my girlfriend before I introduce him to my son. (We were never married). Does she have any right to do this? I am worried she will take my on away? Why should she meet my girlfriend first?
Mick2008 - 22-Jan-18 @ 8:15 PM
Chiefy- Your Question:
My ex and I have a 16 month old little girl who is my world, I see her just as much as her mother does. Today she tells me she wants our little girl to meet her partner of 2 months. I said no please wait a bit but she insists it’s gonna happen like it or not. My little girl and I have a great relationship but the thought of another man playing happy families with her is killing me.How do I get my head around this?

Our Response:
You may wish to join our Separated Dads forum if you would like some help and advice from dads who have been through this before. I will also post this on our Separated Dads Facebook page, and hopefully some of our dads can give you some words of wisdom and support, please see the link here. However, there is nothing to stop your ex from moving on, but that does not mean you will be replaced as your daughter's father. The great thing is you have enough access to your daughter to be able to stay a strong influence in her life. Keeping things amicable with your ex helps, please see link here . Being supportive rather than antagonistic will also help. Hopefully, you may even like the new person in your child's life. If you can think of them not as a threat - but hopefully as a person who may also be able to enrich your child's life, this will also be a plus.
SeparatedDads - 16-Jan-18 @ 3:50 PM
My ex and I have a 16 month old little girl who is my world, I see her just as much as her mother does. Today she tells me she wants our little girl to meet her partner of 2 months. I said no please wait a bit but she insists it’s gonna happen like it or not.... My little girl and I have a great relationship but the thought of another man playing happy families with her is killing me. How do I get my head around this?
Chiefy - 15-Jan-18 @ 11:51 PM
I’ve been seeing my partner for two months now, we have been getting along really well so I introduced him to my four children the youngest is 13 and the eldest is 24. But now I regret him meeting them so soon cause although we are still together at the moment there’s a slight distance between us as in our relationship. Do I keep him away from the kids and go back to just seeing him on my own to see which direction the relationship is going to take?
Loveable rose - 4-Jan-18 @ 11:41 PM
JD- Your Question:
Hi Ive recently come out of a 6 year relationship we’ve been separated 3months. We have one child together, in that time I’ve met someone else and we’ve been together for six weeks my ex partner since finding out about my new partner has become difficult in regards to my son. We had an arrangement I have him for dinner Tuesday and Thursday and have him every other weekend but has now cut my time down to just a Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend, this has been for around 2-3 weeks and the first Wednesday she didn’t let me pick him up but has since! But every time I pick him up she hurls abuse at me in regards to my new partner and uses my son as a weapon in most disputes! My new relationship is getting serious despite being new and in time would like to introduce my new partner and son to each other but my ex is adamant this will never happen and has said if I do I won’t be able to see my son! I’ve reiterated many times I wouldn’t just bring another women into my sons life without making sure that our relationship becomes serious and would speak to my ex partner about it first when I do feel the time is right as I think as his mother she should know and we should have an adult conversation about it but there’s no reasoning with her! So I just want to know my rights in regards to this matter?

Our Response:
If the separation is recent, it is understandable that emotions can run high when either or both parties attempt to move on. If you cannot agree between yourselves, then mediation should be considered here. If your ex refuses access and/or to discuss the matter, then your only option would be to apply to court. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. Unless your ex can provide a good reason why your new partner shouldn't be introduced to your child, or be part of his life, then it is likely the court will continue the access arrangement you have previously had. However, in situations such as this, mutual negotiation is always the preferred approach. Court should only ever be considered as a last resort.
SeparatedDads - 30-Nov-17 @ 2:12 PM
Hi Ive recently come out of a 6 year relationship we’ve been separated 3months. We have one child together, in that time I’ve met someone else and we’ve been together for six weeks my ex partner since finding out about my new partner has become difficult in regards to my son. We had an arrangement I have him for dinner Tuesday and Thursday and have him every other weekend but has now cut my time down to just a Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend, this has been for around 2-3 weeks and the first Wednesday she didn’t let me pick him up but has since! But every time I pick him up she hurls abuse at me in regards to my new partner and uses my son as a weapon in most disputes! My new relationship is getting serious despite being new and in time would like to introduce my new partner and son to each other but my ex is adamant this will never happen and has said if I do I won’t be able to see my son! I’ve reiterated many times I wouldn’t just bring another women into my sons life without making sure that our relationship becomes serious and would speak to my ex partner about it first when I do feel the time is right as I think as his mother she should know and we should have an adult conversation about it but there’s no reasoning with her! So I just want to know my rights in regards to this matter?
JD - 30-Nov-17 @ 7:50 AM
@Leigh and @Jaded - not everyone is as morally upright as you two are. My ex introduced my kids to her new partner a month into their relationship. That said I actually quite like him and he is good to my kids (and that was now two years ago). Isn't it dependent upon these factors not the length of time or who did what? You have to look at a vast cross-section of society and not that many are as moralistic as you two. So the advice should cater for everyone. People can't instruct others on what they esteem to be morally right or wrong. This advice is as good as it gets...under the circumstances!
Chris76 - 22-Aug-17 @ 11:59 AM
Hear hear Leigh. A heartbreaking indictment of our times that such 'advice' should even exist.
Jaded - 21-Aug-17 @ 7:10 PM
This is the most inane and useless advice site I have ever seen! I cannot believe you are giving "advice" to parents to introduce the new lover before a divorce is even final and when there was an adulterous relationship. And honestly you don't even give advice. I am surprised after reading these q&a's that people would continue on and ask anything. Your morals are questionable and your lack of concern for children in a broken relationship is astounding.
Leigh - 12-Aug-17 @ 4:14 AM
Stevie - Your Question:
I have recently separated from my ex we have four kids and one week on she's informed me she has a new man and wants to introduce him to my kids.I have told her it's too soon and I'm more than happy for her to be in a relationship as ours wasn't good for a while, what I haven't said to her is I think her new relationship must have overlapped ours for a bit if it's as serious as she's making out.I have also told her our kids are just trying to adjust to me being out the house and having them at the weekend I think she should wait to introduce a new relationship but she is certain that's what she's going to do. I have reiterated I'm not happy about it and don't think it's right but I don't want to argue too much as I am scared she will make it difficult for me to speak too and see my kids.

Our Response:
There is little you can do with regards to this as a court of law is not going to prevent your ex from introducing your children (unless it deems it is not in your children's best interests). In a perfect world, people will take advice of articles such as this, but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. Your only option would be to suggest mediation to your ex and if mediation fails, or your ex refuses to attend then you can apply to court. However, it will take time to get heard in court and therefore may be no longer applicable. Please see link here with regards to trying to create a situation whereby you can work together on behalf of your kids.
SeparatedDads - 20-Jul-17 @ 11:31 AM
I have recently separated from my ex we have four kids and one week on she's informed me she has a new man and wants to introduce him to my kids. I have told her it's too soon and I'm more than happy for her to be in a relationship as ours wasn't good for a while, what I haven't said to her is I think her new relationship must have overlapped ours for a bit if it's as serious as she's making out. I have also told her our kids are just trying to adjust to me being out the house and having them at the weekend I think she should wait to introduce a new relationship but she is certain that's what she's going to do. I have reiterated I'm not happy about it and don't think it's right but I don't want to argue too much as I am scared she will make it difficult for me to speak too and see my kids.
Stevie - 18-Jul-17 @ 10:20 PM
Hi. I divorced 2 years ago after a very painful 3 year divorce battle. My now 15 year old came to live with me after the divorce leaving his mum with his sister. I have since in the last 9 months introduced my son to my new lady, who is 23, and we have moved in. I'm 49. All went ok at first but then my son started getting upset as most of my spare time got distracted away from him as she is very loving and needs my attention. He got my attention on a lot of weekends due to his hobby. She fell pregnant, we ended up moving out because of arguments. She had a termination after we tried to get back together but failed due to my son saying he hated her. We've again tried to move back in together but I feel sad for my son who cries and says he'll move to his mothers (who kind of hurt him trying to get at me during divorce,) and so I ask for more time from my girlfriend and she says no it's over. Trouble is the relationship we both agree is the most amazing on the planet. Do I just ship my son off to his mums thinking that he'll soon hate being there then come back? If I don't move in now my girlfriend says it's over. Please help.
Loving guy - 30-Apr-17 @ 9:30 AM
HCM - Your Question:
I met my boyfriend five months ago online. We pretty much fell hard for each other and within a month and a half he introduced me to his kids although only as a friend which I was OK with. He has been separated for almost 2 years and hopefully his divorce will be finalized in May. We had every intention of spending Christmas Eve me him and his kids at my family's house and then Christmas day at his house with his kids. About a week before the holidays he calls me and says that he's been reading some articles about introducing significant others to kids and he feels that I shouldn't come over Christmas day. Needless to say I was extremely hurt and honestly since then our relationship has been rocky. I've put the relationship on hold and he's put the relationship on hold and I've pretty much broken up with him at least once and it all stems from this whole issue that he has his kids twice during the week and every other weekend and we don't talk at those times. He is totally off-limits. And that's a giant portion of his life that I am not included in and now I've been excluded. Prior to us having this rocky patch we had agreed that I would meet his kids officially after his divorce is finalized. But now that it's all changed because of the Rocky period He says and now he just wants to wait till the divorce is finalized before he makes any decisions.You keep sending me pictures of all the stuff that he and his kids are doing that's fun but he and I never do anything that's fun. So when I tell him to please do not send me pictures of you guys having fun he gets upset because he should be able to share that with his girlfriend and I'm like wow this whole thing is gotten jacked up and it makes me feel really sad and depressed because you're out having fun with your kids and I'm not involved.I don't know what to do. Any suggestions or advice?

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. However, I'm afraid there is no black and white answer to your question as much depends upon the individuals in question. It may be that your partner has a genuine reason for wishing to keep his children separate from you, or he compartmentalising this area of his life. There are parents that don't want any outside issues to affect the divorce, and to some extent this may be understandable. However, it sounds like your partner has other reservations and is almost holding you to ransom over this. I'm afraid this is a decision you will have to make by yourself. Your partner has doubts - that is for sure. You have to decide whether you wish to continue to be treated as though you are on some sort of relationship trial - which cannot be comfortable for you. If you feel loved and wanted in every other area of your relationship then you may have reason to continue to wait. However, if you do not and you genuinely feel excluded from his life to the point it is making you miserable, then you may wish to cut loose and find someone who will value you for who you are and include you in their life.
SeparatedDads - 20-Mar-17 @ 12:05 PM
I met my boyfriend five months ago online. We pretty much fell hard for each other and within a month and a half he introduced me to his kids although only as a friend which I was OK with. He has been separated for almost 2 years and hopefully his divorce will be finalized in May. We had every intention of spending Christmas Eve me him and his kids at my family's house and then Christmas day at his house with his kids. About a week before the holidays he calls me and says that he's been reading some articles about introducing significant others to kids and he feels that I shouldn't come over Christmas day. Needless to say I was extremely hurt and honestly since then our relationship has been rocky. I've put the relationship on hold and he's put the relationship on hold and I've pretty much broken up with him at least once and it all stems from this whole issue that he has his kids twice during the week and every other weekend and we don't talk at those times. He is totally off-limits. And that's a giant portion of his life that I am not included in and now I've been excluded. Prior to us having this rocky patch we had agreed that I would meet his kids officially after his divorce is finalized. But now that it's all changed because of the Rocky period He says and now he just wants to wait till the divorce is finalized before he makes any decisions. You keep sending me pictures of all the stuff that he and his kids are doing that's fun but he and I never do anything that's fun. So when I tell him to please do not send me pictures of you guys having fun he gets upset because he should be able to share that with his girlfriend and I'm like wow this whole thing is gotten jacked up and it makes me feel really sad and depressed because you're out having fun with your kids and I'm not involved. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions or advice?
HCM - 19-Mar-17 @ 12:59 PM
Juls - Your Question:
You responded to me 20 Feb so I have spoken to my ex numerous times about the situation btwn him and my daughter and he keeps saying he will sort it out. Till today he has not spoken to her abt him planning on getting married which is soon by the way. My daughter has not met his future wife as yet. He just keeps lying to her and says there is no need for him to tell her everything he will tell her when the time is right. With all his lies she is becoming more and more distant from him and never wants to talk to him when he calls and doesn't want to see him anymore. She has been suffering with headaches and eczema and hair loss which the doc after bloods came back clear has labelled this as stress. He does not want to take responsibility and says I'm stressing her out by keeping him away from her. She does not want to see him anymore and he isn't making an effort to sort things out btwn them. I even took her to his place to speak to him and he doesn't answer when we call from the intercom at his complex. I try talking to my ex but there is no winning and if I start pushing too hard he will accuse me of being jealous bcos he has moved on. And he has been doing that accusing me that I can't except that he has moved on and is lashing out at me instead of fixing his relationship with his daughter. From your articles that I have read he should introduce them and also give the child time to adjust and build a relationship with his future wife b4 getting married? Pls advice me as to what to do I'm out of options. Juls

Our Response:
I'm not surprised your ex doesn't answer at his workplace, the workplace is not a place to sort out personal issues. We try to give all round objective advice in our articles, such as introducing a new partner over time. However, this doesn't always happen in practice, people have their own methods of dealing with such matters and there are no specific rules. Everyone is different with regards to how they approach things. It sounds as though you are all very much at odds with each other and are finding it impossible to reach any kind of resolution. Therefore, in cases such as this, mediation can be an option, please see link here. I hope this helps. 
SeparatedDads - 1-Mar-17 @ 12:03 PM
You responded to me 20 Feb so I have spoken to my ex numerous times about the situation btwn him and my daughter and he keeps saying he will sort it out. Till today he has not spoken to her abt him planning on getting married which is soon by the way. My daughter has not met his future wife as yet. He just keeps lying to her and says there is no need for him to tell her everything he will tell her when the time is right. With all his lies she is becoming more and more distant from him and never wants to talk to him when he calls and doesn't want to see him anymore. She has been suffering with headaches and eczema and hair loss which the doc after bloods came back clear has labelled this as stress. He does not want to take responsibility and says I'm stressing her out by keeping him away from her. She does not want to see him anymore and he isn't making an effort to sort things out btwn them. I even took her to his place to speak to him and he doesn't answer when we call from the intercom at his complex.I try talking to my ex but there is no winning and if I start pushing too hard he will accuse me of being jealous bcos he has moved on. And he has been doing that accusing me that I can't except that he has moved on and is lashing out at me instead of fixing his relationship with his daughter. From your articles that I have read he should introduce them and also give the child time to adjust and build a relationship with his future wife b4 getting married? Pls advice me as to what to do I'm out of options. Juls
Juls - 28-Feb-17 @ 7:45 PM
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