There are numerous questions surrounding shared custody. What is it? How does it work? And how is it different to contact (as visitation is called these days)?
In most instances, residence (custody) is granted to the mother, and you, as the father have your contact rights set out. With shared custody, your children split their time between their mother and you. The amount varies – it can be as much as 70% with the mother, for instance – but it means you have much greater contact with them. It presumes, of course, that both the mother and father are fit parents.
It’s an idea that has widespread popularity in Europe, and in the U.S. it’s becoming more common, although the UK has lagged behind in adopting it.
Shared custody does demand a big level of commitment from both parents. If you’re going to have your children for three days a week, then during that time you have you need to make sure your schedule revolves around them.
The Advantages of Shared Custody
Shared custody, or shared parenting as it’s also known, can offer several distinct advantages, both for parents and children. For separated fathers, it means they can be far more involved with their children, seeing them on a regular, extended basis every week. Moreover, it also means that neither parent is carrying the entire burden of parenting while the other is considered absent.
With standard Contact Orders, one parent has the majority of responsibility for the day-to-day routine, while the other – usually the separated father – sees the children at the weekend.
Shared custody means your Children Have Two Homes, two stable bases where they can feel secure. Above all, it means they continue to have a real family life with both parents, which makes them feel more loved.
Research carried out in America has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children.
The Disadvantages of Shared Custody
For shared custody to work, you have to live fairly close to you ex , for your children to continue to attend the same schools, see their friends, and so on. This can create social problems for the parents, since proximity means an increased chance of contact with your Ex Partner.
Also, if your job or circumstances change and you have to move elsewhere, then the change from shared custody to contact can create emotional problems for your children (the same can apply if your ex has to move for any reason). In other words, by its nature there has to be a certain amount of flexibility in the plan.
Shared Custody in the UK
At present, shared custody is not the norm in Britain, although several organisations are trying to increase its visibility and prominence. The Shared Parenting Information Net and the Equal Parenting Council are both working to make it a very acceptable option here.
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t bring up the idea in Mediation or through your solicitor as a viable means of custody. In most instances, children are also given a say in where they spend their time, and where they have excellent relationships with both parents, it means they’re not in a position where they have to “choose” between Mum and Dad.
I've just had the most frustrating weekend ever.I am engaged to a guy who has a 6 year old with his ex wife.She raises the child together with her lesbian lover who controls this woman and the child in every which way, from me not being allowed to do any girly activities with the child as they insist she is a tomboy and wants to be a boy.This is an issue for another day.Point is, Dad and Mom have been divorced since she was 1.I came on the scene when she was 2.
Their arrangement to date with regards to Christmas is that they alternate each year.In the 4 years I have been with my fiance, we have never had the opportunity of seeing the child on Christmas day, as they have always either been in a different province or have left just before Christmas.We're always having to make our own special occassions with the child, from birthdays, to Easter, to Christmas.
This year is our turn to have her.Originally, back in September the ex wanted to have the child over Christmas as they were going to the seaside to visit family.It came out yesterday that they paid deposits on accommodation and when we refused, saying that our plans to go down to the seaside were not going to happen as we had hoped due to financial constraints, and the fact that my fiance had just started a new job and would not have leave this december, they cancelled their bookings, losing their deposit.At the time, I had said that because I am on compulsory leave from 13th, the child could come to us at any point from then on. They insisted on making it for when my fiance's Mom arrives which is the 22nd.We managed to convince them to bring her from the 20th, but the trade for them was that they have her over the long weekend coming up next week.We agreed. She would be with us from the 20th until the 28th.
Then the ex wanted to know when she would see her child at christmas.As it is the first christmas where both my fiance and my family get to spend together before we marry, it's an important one for us.Also, my family do celebrations on christmas day, and have traditions that we wanted to include the child in as she has never really had the opportunity of waking with to her fathers family at christmas.
My fiance expressed how important it was to him that he have his daughter for the whole day on christmas day, and that he wanted his child to wake up christmas morning with us and have breakfast with us as a family, and spend the day with my parents and family getting to know each other and allowing the child to enjoy the time with us.
I proposed that they collect her or we drop her off on the afternoon of the 23rd, and have the child return the evening of the 24th, anytime before 8pm, allowing them the opportunity to do their own christmas with the child.
This was not acceptable nor appreciated. Suddenly we had a choice of picking either christmas eve from 10am pm until 11am christmas morning that the child would be with her, or from 11pm o
Hopeless - 9-Dec-13 @ 12:33 PM
Hi - my comment is directed at James, and Lynzleybee, both of whom have asked for thoughts about Christmas. As a separated mum, who has an amicable relationship with my ex (it hasn't always been that way, and has required effort and compromise from us both), and a 50/50 shared parenting set-up, I feel very strongly that the mother does NOT and should not decide that 'Christmas is magical, and mine' - I alternate each year with my ex, and yes it does feel hard, and a little lonely when it isn't my turn - but this is about the children, not me! I feel particularly strongly about this because I also see the other side of the coin - my partner also has children..and his ex is vehemently opposed to him ever having his children on Christmas Day, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day..for similar reasons that you give to justify your stance Lynzleybee - in my opinion that is punishing the children for the perceived 'sins' of the father. All I can say is this - I asked my children what they'd like to do, and they said 'we'd like to see both of you, so can we swap each year and make it fair' - their maturity does them credit. Perhaps you could ask your son what he'd like, and hope that he feels he can answer honestly, and without fear of upsetting you, or your ex? To James - no, the mother should not have priority - your daughter should, and your suggestion to alternate is eminently fair. End of.
Flower - 3-Dec-13 @ 5:00 PM
If a decent relationship can be established between both parents, then this is undoubtedly the best scenario for the children involved. However, as in my case, this is not always possible. James, you left a comment earlier this month and I would like to direct my comment to you. My ex and I broke up after his infidelity was uncovered and a fortnight later, I discovered I was pregnant. By this time he was already in a relationship with the girl he was cheating on me with. I asked him straight out if he wanted to be part of the child's life, he said yes, and after almost the whole pregnancy of me desperately trying to get him involved he has stepped up and is a great dad to my little boy. I have primary custody, but he stays over at his dads four nights a fortnight and his dad attends hospital appointments etc. And we have remained pretty much civil for the 19 months since my son was born. However, Christmas is an issue. I am refusing to let my son stay at his fathers on Christmas Eve as I see Christmas morning as a magical time for any parent, and I will not have my ex's girlfriend take that time that should be mine. I have agreed that he can be picked up and spend the evening and night with his father and family, just not the morning. My ex is now saying that he would like us to alternate Christmases with our son, and my response has been no. He made his choices and now he has to live by them. I am probably going to receive some harsh comments about this post, but I don't believe I am being out of order, if I had my way there wouldn't even be a discussion about where my son would go. But beds have been made, its time to lie in them.
Lynzleybee - 26-Nov-13 @ 6:01 PM
my son has shared residency of his daughterbut she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore.Can she decide for herself where she lives
lel - 22-Nov-13 @ 12:36 PM
Why can't the law be changed to make mediation legally binding my ex has constantly said she will agree to anything in mediation but will only abide by what she wanted. I have never been able to get my son for any holidays/weekends or any break's whatsoever unsupervised by her, however I am not allowed any contact on my ex's weekend. This has been a huge problem causing many arguments until my ex stopped all contact between me and my son. I am now going to court £2,000 so far and I'm not even at the first hearing this is financially ruinous for me.The father seems to have no rights at all if the mother wants to be obstructive.If mediation was legally binding most cases would never need a court appearance surely it must be easy enough in law to make your mediation agreement a legally binding contract. A loan agreement is legally binding and that takes a few minutes to fill out.
daddy frog - 18-Nov-13 @ 2:09 PM
Me and my wife have split when we were together we argued a lot she would lash outI would hit back which I am ashamed of however behind my back she got legal aid and took an injunction out I can't contact her my kids and was forced by the courts to leave our house. This has devastated me I took her for granted said some horrible things I regret, but her solicitor has had me portrayed as a wife abuser and terrible dad. I love my wife and kids more than anything we both had faults I just want her back WHAT CAN I DO
Big mac - 9-Nov-13 @ 8:41 PM
My partner and I split up just after our daughter turned 2. It was not my choice and leaving our home was the hardest thing I've ever done. Our relationship these days (some 18 mos later) is better than when we lived together. My daughter lives with me between 3-4 nights of the week over a weekend. We are both fairly flexible as I work full time and she works x3 days per week, although as she is a nurse its probably more physically demanding than my job. If I have to go away for business my ex is normally good about letting me have extra time when I return. All in all we both make sure our daughter comes first.My only issue has recently occurred where last Christmas (our first appart) I agreed that our daughter could spend Christmas morning with her mother if we alternated each year. She agreed last year but has changed her mind this year. We are at a complete dead lock and when ever the subject is broached it turns horrid. I don't want to set a precident about coming second on these special occasions. I think it's only fair that our daughter gets to spend birthdays, Christmas and other special days alternating between parents.Am I wrong? We are both loving parents and our daughter is the sweetest child possible but is there any psychological argument as to why the mother should have priority?Any advice or comments are very welcome from mothers or fathers.Thank you.
James - 4-Nov-13 @ 3:49 AM
I have a 1year old daughter within a strained relationship. I want us to separate but I I am concerned about unfavourable access for fathers. I would ideally like 30 % weekly shared custody but I know my partner would heavily dispute this. How much influence does a mother have on whether a court awards shared custody? I solely own my home and am financial secure, my partner has neither. Will this affect?
nicholas - 29-Sep-13 @ 4:10 PM
Well a complete opposite. I share care 50/50 with my ex against everything I tried for. He knocked the living daylights out of me, tried to have me sectioned. Has been noted by high court judge to be 'highly mamipulative' and a liar in court. He then abducted our children whilst I was at work. I found them a month later in england (we had been living abroad) beacuse he was a police officer - it took nearly a year to come to court snd in that time we shared care. After his abduction case was over - I applied for residency, thinking I would get it. I was devastated to be told that the status quo had been set. My eldest (13 yrs) wanted to see his dad as much as me and wanted all his siblings together with him. This is where cafcass shouldn't listen to the kids as my children do not know the half of what has gone on. I tried my hardest to mimimise any impact on them - even when their dad used to run away with them when I went to collect, accused me of stabbing him, had a failed non molestation order against me. All proven lies. Yet he is still deemed good enough because the kids think the sun shines from him and I don't encourage them to think differently. Where is the justice and how is all this in the best interests of the kids? How is that being a good parent? Even this week I have been in court becsuse hes accused me of abusing him - another case dismissed due to lack of evidence. I cant even work properly because who will employ someone who can only work every other week? Im a nurse and cant get childcare till 10pm at night and at 530 in a morning. And if I could - id barely see them. I could write a book on the injustice of this
left behind - 26-Sep-13 @ 1:13 AM
I have recently been through process in Edinburgh and the Father (me) has virtually no rights.Half of weekends and holidays and thats that.Various high profile solicitor firms (everything based in Edinburgh) all confirm the same.Courts and court reporters (normally all female, it does seem to make a difference) always firmly side with the Mother.In my case she always had very little contact with the children and I was the main carer pre divorce.She worked away from home and never saw the children Monday to Friday.Now she still has her demanding full time job and just pays a Nanny to look after children full time.All that made no difference.The Scottish court system is extremely sexist and you are wasting your time as a man, unless there are other strong factors (eg she is a drug addict, has documented mental health problems etc).As a man you may gain an advantage in the situation where she walks out of family home, act extremely quickly and change locks etc and get a court order for at least temporary residence of children.Temporary will always become permanent as it is then the status quo. Otherwise,my advice would be that you will get half weekends/holidays, so if she refuses that court will award it.Beyond that you are relying on her good will.You might be able to pressure her if either you have so much money you dont mind paying a lot (I mean tens of thousands), or you have a legal aid certificate.That way she may decide that an extra day a week is worth conceding to avoid considerable expense.In my view the Scottish system is extremely sexist and will always side with the Mother.All the talk of whats best for children etc is purely paying lip service.Moving on from the main residence decision, as a man, you will then have zero input into the childrens lives as far as Schools,doctors etc are concerned.The idea of you retaining parental responsibilities is a purely notional concept.Barring exceptional circumstances, you will be cut out of the childrens lives if she wants you to be.You either have to make it all as amicable as possible and rely on her good will,or you need an advantage early on and act extremely swiftly.
Dave - 26-Aug-13 @ 6:30 PM
I have read many of the comments on the page.It is a shame that despite the fact that I keep hearing that everything is in the interest of the child I cannot see it, at present all I see is what's best for the mother.There are some good mothers who want the children to have contact with their dads, but there are many mothers who would stop at nothing so that so that the children have very little or in some cases no contact at all.I speak from a grandmother's point of view who is going through the courts at the moment to get to see my grandchildren.My son was at the mercy of the children's mother, who when she was in a mood would not allow him contact.She would allow him week ends then when she felt like it this would be stopped for months on end, then she would allow him contact then stop.This went on for a long time until she stopped contact altogether.Although, not religious, she arranged for the children to be christened; on receiving service from my solicitor she told him he was no longer welcomed to his own children's christening, it was the last straw and he decided to take out an application for shared residence/contact.We are now both at court.My son has had to represent himself since the legal aid has stopped.It's a long road, but I encourage fathers not to give up, it's frustrating and in an ideal world the court should not be involved, but some mothers want to be in control and are totally unreasonable, putting themselves first instead of children.It's also a pity that most resort to lies to get their way; what these parents forget is that the children grow up and all these records will be open for the children to read when they are older.Shared residence is only new for those who have to go to court, for parents who put their children first they have been doing this for years; for those of us who have to go to court, the court are reluctant to give shared custody saying it's not in the best interest of the children; especially if asking for alternate week.They seem to think children are stupid, children have not concept of time and as long as they are loved and cared for shared residence should be encouraged as the norm.I was surprised to hear the judge ask my son what he would do when he got a job, this question was not asked of the mother (the judge was a woman).What does she think many hardworking single mums do.This is the 21st century, bringing up children is just for the woman to do; it was a sperm and an egg, not egg and egg or sperm and sperm.Not all women are good mothers and not all men are good fathers.Children need good parents who love them, even if they no longer love each other.As for unmarried fathers, don't be fooled that having your name on the birth certificate gives you any rights, it's still down to the mother whether you are informed about anything, it only makes it easier for the CSA to get money from you.
Mia - 31-Jul-13 @ 11:43 PM
my partner has been divorced for 10 years and his 2 children live with their mother. His son now 16 is very unhappy at home and wants to come and live with his dad how does this work if his mother has custody and their dad is paying her csa.
totty - 21-Jul-13 @ 8:28 PM
Hi! I have a joint residency order for my 11yr old who spends 9 days a month at mine (weekends) & half of all school holidays plus every February half term. This order was made against my sons wishes, who was 7 at the time, and wanted us to spend alternate weeks with him so it was fair. The court actually reduced the time I saw him, ignoring the fact that CAFCAS said my proposed arrangement would work in this case and that I was making the application to the court. Unfortunately, I was broke by this point and had to represent myself. My son has been asking when he can choose to live with me and my partner ever since and told his mum today that he wants to live with me. She & her partner said they won't let that happen so he asked when he can choose by law. I'm apprehensive about going back to court based on past experience as I would have to represent myself again, so would like to know what options I have in order to fulfil his wishes? What age can a child decide where they want to live in the UK and can my son bring the case to court as I haven't pressured him to make this decision and don't want an application by me jeopardizing the outcome for him.
Don26 - 5-Jul-13 @ 10:16 PM
I have an 8yr old son with my ex partner. We have been separated 7 years and since him stating a new relationship things have become very difficult. I don't EVER stop his dad from seeing his son and he has him every other weekend. The issue currently is that he will not drive to my house to collect him and expects me to travel 35 miles to meet him half way!! I have already told him I'm happy to meet him half way on a Friday as he finishes work late but on a Sunday he would need to drop our son at mine we currently live 80 miles away from each other. All I want to know is that isn't it a fathers responsibility to collect his son?? He has on top of this told everyone that in keeping him away from his son! Which is a complete lie! He is threatening to take me to court something I can't afford so would be representing myself.
Kezia - 4-Jun-13 @ 11:36 PM
My husnad ex wanted shared custody as she left my husband to drink and party and never married. but since we met she abuses me and arrange bullying by the rest of family. she demanded we split up. the family supports her including my husband parents as the child loves me too much which makes her too angry. my husband stupidly refused to file for full custody at the time his daughter asked for it at 7. Her mother loaded her with so much negativity and made everything to make sure she does not come to spend time with us as family but to use and abuse us. My son was never accepted and bullyed off. nobody talks to me and him. or my husband for that matter as he refused to bully me and tris to build a family for all.of us for these years.Now she is 14. A year ago at her 13 i could not coop with abuse any more and with a perspective to spend the rest of my life being abused by his daughter living in the same home. i started being scared for my life as she mentioned some big secret agaist us but then got really upset and scared of some punishment for telling me which said actually nothing. We are the only family she has as her mother still drinks and party. but i am 50 and just too tired of abuse and life spent in pleasing some always drunken woman who will never stop abusing me and her daughter will never stop abusing me to please her. i asked her to live with her mother if she does not want to be a member of our family and see her father any time she wants. I have not seen her for 6 months. just thinking about it was making me having panic attack. All she could talk for these months is she wants our house while no interest to us as people including her father. New waves if abuse from her mother demanding she stays with us as she needs going out. i eventually recovered and can see her. she comes about twice a week but does not stay. we talked couple times what family is about and how abusing one member makes everybody unhappy. Neither side wants any closer relationship. her mother drinks and left school at 16 and makes sure the kid gets no education. She was never allowed to do homework with us or take part in any sport or music if we arrange it. we just gave up trying to be involved. we all have university degtees, my son just finished medical school. When he gone to uni it was announced by his step syster only idiot going to uni. She adores drinking culture and is with her forth biyfriend at 14. Looking baxk. we were just used by her monther and committed our self to being used sure and abused by her child. i wanted to share this with these who fight for shared custody. make sure you can have a normal communication with your ex first. do not place the child in between. Can get years of struggle and no chance for a proper family getting other drawn into hateress with your ex.
Anna - 30-Apr-13 @ 7:42 AM
Me partners ex wont let him see his two girls. He has a solicitor and was going to take his ex partner to court for a care order but he can not afored the court fee as its only me working and iv got 3 Children off my own and we can just cop on what I get paid and legal aid has bin stopped as any 1 get any advice on what we can do and his girls are under safeguard we r at our wits end plz if anyone can give us advice
suezib - 17-Apr-13 @ 10:18 PM
Stace; I separated from my cheating ex 18months ago and we have 2 boys 5 and 2. When we separated she tried to stop me seeing them all together and we ended up in court. The lad she was with has 2 boys, and when it was suggested they share a room the judge rejected it on the grounds my eldest has emotional needs as a result of the break up and needs his comfort to be replicated at mam and dads. So he couldnt share even with 2 of rhe same sex as I said it would be too much of a change and the judge agreed with me.Now my eldest did have a statement of special ed. Needs at the time but knly because of the emotional problems he had but I remember being told that regardless of this it was important in all cases to keep the children as stable as possible. If it would upset your daughter to share then the judge will side with that. CAFCASS were great toe throughout and a are free to speak to.look them up, worth a try.Good luck
liam - 12-Apr-13 @ 8:03 AM
Need people's help ASAP...my ex partner has sent me a letter in regards to contact for my daughter, I never stopped access he kicked my front door through with my daughter present , he was charged and was told to seek legal advice !! What I want to know is that if my 3 year old daughter was to sleep at my ex partner house where he now has a gf who has 2 sons in a 2 bed house ?? Would my daughter be allowed to sleep there as there is no place for my child to sleep also note that whilst he is saying these things to me he is claiming benefits of jsa and legal aid from his parents home where he claims he resides! So do I have the right to decline my child sleeps at his partners home and when he has her he resides at the address he claims he lives at with his parents not his girlfriends home?? He thinks this dont matter but the boys are not siblings of my child and she sleeps in her own bedroom at home or at my nana house when she sleeps over there she has a set routine also. He does not pay Csa but also expects me to provide for Leah whilst he has her on these nights / days ! I'm yet to see my solicitor so any help would be a bonus thanks
Stace - 4-Apr-13 @ 10:36 PM
my friend is currently not allowed to see his 4 children , he is going to court soon to try for access but the thing is i agree with the mother that he is not a fit father ,any advice?
shardy - 30-Mar-13 @ 11:32 PM
I have always had my children live with me and only had a contact order for them to see my ex every other weekend. My oldest who is 7 years old went for contact and said he wanted to live their so didn't come back home with his brother. My ex has stopped me seeing our son. I want my son back but what are my rights? We never had a residence order so can I just get him back stating that as my ex is only allowed contact our son must come home regardless of what he wants? At 7 I know he only wants to be there as he has more fun going out and being spoilt so he thinks it will be like that if he was there all the time.Please help I miss my son
pineapple - 3-Mar-13 @ 7:43 PM
Hello, my girlfriend and I never got married, we have a son who is less than 2 years old. just after my son was a month old, his mum moved with him from her parent's to live with me. the 3 of us lived together just like couples for nearly a year then the relationship started to fail. now, she has kicked me out of the house because I hit her back when she did hit me during an argument. I moved to a different city of about 120 miles away but because I have so much love for my son and always wanted to be a part of his life, I visited them every weekend until now that the relationship between me and my ex has fallen totally. Due to that, I have not been able to see my son for more than 2 months now. His mum has even threatened to change my son's last name and she is literally doing everything she can for me not to get close to my son. My name is on my son's birth certificate and even though none of us has been to court yet, ever since I left them I send money support my son every month. my ex partner wants me to go to court if I want to see my son. what do I do please ? as I really want to be able to have my son with me days I am free and he can always go back to his mum even though his mum is aware that my son gets very happy when he is with me.
manoflife - 18-Feb-13 @ 8:35 PM
I am an indian national that has been given leave to remain in the UK so I can be a dad to my twin daughters. I have what this country calls "Good contact" and see my daughters very regularly. I have a great relationship with my girls too.I have them 3 week ends out of 4, every mid week for tea and an almost equal split on holidays.My girls recently turned 5. They are both of British nationality and so is their mother.One of my greatest fears is that she will remove the kids to the USA where she has always wanted to live.My daughters passports are up for renewal very soon and I would like my name to be made mention of on their passports as their father.Am I allowed to have this done?Thank You for your help
DMA - 28-Jan-13 @ 7:43 AM
My ex has been awarded £400 per month for our child, I have 3 other children, a mortgage and bills to pay also. I have always paid a reasonable amount, I work out of the county for 6 months of the year but I also have my child for the rest of the year, so 6 months each. Do I still have to pay maintenance with my daughter being with me? Would I need to get shared custody on paper etc? Please someone helpMany thanks
Trouble2 - 17-Jan-13 @ 5:17 PM
My ex and I have shared custody. He is going out of the country on vacation for 2 weeks and says his mom will be watching the kids instead of me during his time. My opinion is that if he is gone and cannot care for them then myself as the mom takes the kids. Please help.
Diana - 15-Jan-13 @ 5:30 AM
Hi, my ex recently left me after 4 years together, she currentl has my son staying with her. She left me for my so called best friend. She doesnt spend any time with the baby, she stays in her mums with 2 pitbulls and it smells horrible there. In her own house she has nothink. No television or couch or washing machine no cooker. All the babys food is always microwave food. She leaves the baby with her mum all the time. I would be able to give my baby stability and the love he needs. What do you think i could do to help me get custody please
Kalvyn - 4-Jan-13 @ 3:24 PM
I have been divorced for nearly a year and provided maintenance before the court order came into being. My ex has recently applied to the CSA for child maintenance, I pay currently (1,500 pounds a month) and although the maintenance for her is fixed until death or further order. Although she is cohabiting, there is a clause that should she remarry then the maintenance will stop, what about cohabiting, how long can she do this before I object to paying her maintenance? Secondly, I would point out that there is a shared residency order in place and my 7 year old son lives with me approximately 50 per cent of the time. I have heard the CSA are changing the rules for maintenance in 2013, which is a few days away, so applications made by her last month will they be reevaluated bearing in mind that there is shared residence? Can you clarify the position as no one seems to know! And I have had no luck googling clarification of the above.
None! - 28-Dec-12 @ 9:01 PM
I have 3 kids with ex 1 has them every other w.end and supports them. After I left him I met someone else. I fell pregnant. He walked. My ex 1 supported me through the pregnancy and pushed me to contact the baby's father. He met her at 4wks old never to be seen or heard of again. Ex 1 has brought her up with our other kids. N treats her no differently. Recently baby's dad has made contact seen her once. Got drunk on the second visit to the point he couldn't walk. He's paid £50 towards her n earns a Gd wage. That doesn't bother me. But now I want ex 1 to have joint custody as she calls him dad. N this is what we would both like Incase anything happens to me and she stays with her siblings and the dad she has always known. If anyone can help on info if I can do this it would b great.
hels - 20-Nov-12 @ 8:43 PM
Im going through a pretty tough time at the moment.before my son was born(april 2011)the year before this I was seeing a girl on and off.now she had a really bad coke,kett problem.this has always caused friction in the relationship as I dont do drugs.she would be the one dissapearing for days then coming home thinking nothing would have happened.now our son is born and we are not together she is not doing drugs half as much as she was but every few weeks she dissapears for drugs binges for 2 days,ignores me and her family who know about her drugs past and also ignores our 18 month old son.its like she puts drugs before him.now I am thinking of going for joint custody what are my chances? I am currently not working at the moment due to being getting laid off,plus ive had a bad 2 yrs as my mother passed away so its been hard to get back into work.things are getting me down.it also didnt help that the day my mother passed away my ex went on a 3 day drugs binge before and 2 hrs after my mother passed away she told me she was pregnant.any advice would be greatly appreciated
gavin - 22-Oct-12 @ 9:48 AM
We have my step daughter 5 nights then her mum has her 5 nights, then we have her 4 nights and she has her 4 nights consecutively throughout the year!the csa have agreed this is shared custody of my step daughter. One thing is that my step daughters mum is in receipt of all the benefits plus DLA for her as she is partially disabled. Now we have to feed and clothe my step daughter and give exactly what her mum does if not more as we pay for her hair etc are we entitled to any of the dla?only now the csa has confirmed we have complete 50/50 shared custody of her she is trying to demand more money for other things for her, yet we know she gets over £500 a month for her disability and more. Now the money doesnt bother me as I would do anything for my step daughter but think it is unfair that she is trying to demand more even though the csa have told her exactly what she should get and not only that she gets everythong else even yhough she only sees her just the same amount as me n her dad do?!
..... - 7-Oct-12 @ 7:25 PM
Me and my wife divorced in may 2011, up till that time i had the children every time i was home. in august 2011 my son called me to say that my ex and her partner were stopping me seeing them. this was a real shock as i had a very good relationship with both of my children. since that time there has been a war, she has had a prohibitive steps order in place and Cafcass got involved. The first Cafcass meeting was a joke as the officer forgot about the meeting. Cafcass then prepared the report however forgot to sent me a copy. We went to court and the my ex wanted supervised visits, i found this hard but did them.The children were really confused with this as they had always seen me at home for the weekends. this all progressed and we moved to supervised visits at a friends. My ex turned up to 3 of them late twice and i complained but was told by Cafcass that this was the way it was. Finally in January/February of 2012 i had the full meeting with the Cafcass officer. The meeting went well, i had taken a family friend with me who was a magistrate and a mediator. when the meeting was over i was really pleased with the progress and the cafcass officer promised to arrange a meeting with the school and with me and the children. However this did not happen there was no meeting with the school and the no meeting with me and the children, he did however have a meeting with my ex new partner and in his report wrote a whole paragraph on this meeting. the rest of the report was a general run done of me. I showed this report to the family friend who attended the meeting and he was appalled. i must admit i did moan at the cafcass officer who was normally ill or on holiday. His was responce to my moaning was an email which said dont keep moaning at me remember who is writing your report!! end result of the whole situation was i didnt get to see my children and still dont now. My ex refuses any phone contact and her new partner likes to tell people that they are his children which i find most bizarre. moral of the story is that no matter how useless the Cafcass officer is and whether they follow there guide lines or not they always win. I have fought this case on my own and have been vocal however i have found that you cant beat the system as a father so dont let your solicitor drag you through every thing treat the Cafcass officer as some one who is important and who knows best as there may be a slight chance of getting to see your kids!!!