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Shared Custody of Your Children

Author: Chris Nickson - Updated: 31 August 2015 | commentsComment
 
Contact Residency Visitation Custody

There are numerous questions surrounding shared custody. What is it? How does it work? And how is it different to contact (as visitation is called these days)?

In many instances, residence (custody) is granted to the mother, and you, as the father have your contact rights set out. With shared custody, your children split their time between their mother and you. The amount varies – it can be as much as 70% with the mother, for instance – but it means you have much greater contact with them. It presumes, of course, that both the mother and father are fit parents.

UK Lagging Behind

It’s an idea that has widespread popularity in Europe, and in the U.S. it’s becoming more common, although the UK has lagged behind in adopting it.

Shared custody demands a high level of commitment from both parents. If you’re going to have your children for three days a week, then during that time you have you need to make sure your schedule revolves around them.

The Advantages of Shared Custody

Shared custody, shared residency or shared parenting as it's also known, can offer several distinct advantages, both for parents and children. For separated fathers, it means they can be far more involved with their children, seeing them on a regular, extended basis every week. Moreover, it also means that neither parent is carrying the entire burden of parenting while the other is considered absent.

With standard Contact Orders, one parent has the majority of responsibility for the day-to-day routine, while the other – usually the separated father – sees the children at the weekend or selected weekdays.

Shared custody means your Children Have Two Homes, two stable bases where they can feel secure. Above all, it means they continue to have a real family life with both parents, which makes them feel more loved.

Research has determined that when children have experience of shared custody they have better relationships with both parents and are more satisfied with their lives. It’s also shown that even when there’s strong animosity between the parents, shared custody works well for the children.

The Disadvantages of Shared Custody

For shared custody to work, you have to live fairly close to you ex, for your children to continue to attend the same schools, see their friends, and so on. This can create social problems for the parents, since proximity means an increased chance of contact with your Ex Partner.

Also, if your job or circumstances change and you have to move elsewhere, then the change from shared custody to contact can create emotional problems for your children (the same can apply if your ex has to move for any reason). In other words, by its nature there has to be a certain amount of flexibility in the plan.

Shared Custody in the UK

At present, shared custody/residency is not the norm in Britain, although several organisations are trying to increase its visibility and prominence. The Shared Parenting Information Net and the Equal Parenting Council are both working to make it a very acceptable option here.

Just because it's not necessarily the norm, does not mean you can’t bring up the idea in Mediation or through your solicitor as a viable means of custody. In most instances, children are also given a say in where they spend their time, and where they have excellent relationships with both parents, it means they’re not in a position where they have to “choose” between Mum and Dad.

What Next?

Why not have a read through our article on Making Joint Decisions About Your Child's Future for some advice and guidance on how you and your ex partner can make parenting decisions together.

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My boyfriend of 2 years has a 4 year old. They have joint custody with his daughter living with his ex. He sees her for about 5 hours every other Saturday. His ex has introduced a man into his daughters life but refuses to allow me to meet her. She has now said that I will not be allowed to meet her until she is a teenager and that she will never come and stay with us. As they settled out of court on joint custody. I want to know his rights as a father to seeing her more and involving me in the situation. It doesn't seem fair that she can bring in another man who his daughter called Dadd but I am not allowed to meet her. Any advice would've great. I want me boyfriend to seek legal advice.
Hello - 31-Aug-15 @ 8:59 PM
My partner is currently serving a short prison sentance but would like to go about obtaining access to his daughter upon his release. Him and his ex were split before the daughter was born and he was pretty much told that as long as he wasn't willing to convert to their religion and marry his ex that he would not have anything to do with their daughter. She has brought up their daughter supplying no knowledge about her paternal father which breaks his and his family's hearts. Since his daughter has been born (she's now 4) his ex will when it suits her take their daughter to his family's home in Wales but not tell him he'd only know when his family rang him to tell him. She has also since got married and are bringing up their daughter thinking that her husband is her father and whenever she left their daughter with my partners family she asked that it all be kept secret so her husband never find out. She has also had my partner look after their daughter last summer at her marital home whist her and her husband were away which was once again a secret from her husband. Can you please advise where we stand on gaining access and the correct channels we should go down?
mcsweetie2 - 29-Aug-15 @ 10:03 AM
KMM - Your Question:
Me and my ex seem to be struggling to come to arrangements about seeing our son. He is off two days a week, which to me he can have him them days to stay over. I have said to him that he can come over on an early and take him for a couple of hours and take him for tea. He said he wants him 4 days a week, he isn't off for four days a week, so who is going to look after him, another family member? which I don't mind them seeing him but we had already arranged something for other family to see him. If I was to go down the route of arranged visits by the csa (not sure who deals with it) how many days would they allow him?Thank you

Our Response:
Have you thought about attending mediation in order to sort your issues out? Mediation is when two or more parties meet to resolve problems if they are unable to agree between themselves. It is a formal negotiation and courts can accept the agreement of the mediation instead of having to go through the court process, although it is subject to final court approval. Mediation takes place in front of a neutral third party. The mediator has no pre-conceptions and will not force you to make an agreement. They will assist the two parties in taking turns in the conversation, and helping you reach an agreement that you are ready to agree with. Mediators do not pass judgment or offer guidance; they are there, in effect, to facilitate conversation between the two sides. Please see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? Link here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 27-Aug-15 @ 11:39 AM
Me and my ex seem to be struggling to come to arrangements about seeing our son. He is off two days a week, which to me he can have him them days to stay over. I have said to him that he can come over on an early and take him for a couple of hours and take him for tea. He said he wants him 4 days a week, he isn't off for four days a week, so who is going to look after him, another family member? which i don't mind them seeing him but we had already arranged something for other family to see him. If i was to go down the route of arranged visits by the csa (not sure who deals with it) how many days would they allow him? Thank you
KMM - 26-Aug-15 @ 1:54 PM
Bally - Your Question:
I really need some advise for my son. I am separated from my wife and I have shared custody for our son. But now my son refuses to want to go to his mums house saying she is always shouting and getting angry with him. He is always upset and crus when I go to drop him off to his mum. What rights has he got to choose where he lives he is 10 years old. Please if anyone can give me any advise that would be greatly appreciated.

Our Response:
Your son will generally be consulted when he reaches 11 years of age, as this is the age that it is considered children can have semi-adult opinions. In the first instance you could either have a chat to your ex and broach the subject with her personally, or if you haven't got an amicable relationship you could get the ball rolling by suggesting mediation, especially if your son is visibly unhappy. Please see the site: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? Link here . The courts will always recommend you try and sort the issue out first through mediation. If mediation fails, then you would have to take this through the courts and while the courts may decide to listen to your son's wishes, it will still decide on what 'it' thinks is in the best interests of your child. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 26-Aug-15 @ 10:58 AM
Pegg - Your Question:
I really need some advice myself and partner split last November and I was made homeless I am working and living in homeless project I have sole custody of our daughter because my ex is registered disabled and can't cope,I am trying to get housing with local council but having issues with child benefit I can't claim it where I am living at moment and council said I need to be in receipt of it can anyone give me advice please

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. You can request a review if the council has made a decision about your homelessness application that you think is wrong. Please see Shelter article here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 25-Aug-15 @ 2:09 PM
I really need some advise for my son. I am separated from my wife and I have shared custody for our son. But now my son refuses to want to go to his mums house saying she is always shouting and getting angry with him. He is always upset and crus when I go to drop him off to his mum. What rights has he got to choose where he lives he is 10 years old. Please if anyone can give me any advise that would be greatly appreciated.
Bally - 25-Aug-15 @ 10:50 AM
I really need some advice myself and partner split last November and I was made homeless I am working and living in homeless project I have sole custody of our daughter because my ex is registered disabled and can't cope,I am trying to get housing with local council but having issues with child benefit I can't claim it where I am living at moment and council said I need to be in receipt of it can anyone give me advice please
Pegg - 24-Aug-15 @ 9:01 PM
@Confuzed - If he didn't want her to move away he could apply for a Prohibited Steps Order (PSO), which is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent. This is more common in cases where there is suspicion that one parent may leave the area with their children. He would have to do this at the same time as applying to be the resident parent. However, there is no guaranteeing what the court may decide, as the court will always decide what it thinks is in the best interests of the child.
SeparatedDads - 26-Jun-15 @ 2:43 PM
Hi, My partner has a 4 year old with his ex wife. They split when the child was 1 due to her affair. Shortly after, we got together and he was divorced from her within another year. So as it stands, he is not split from her for 3 years, is in a relationship with me for almost 3 years and has been legally divorced for 2 years. They have equal joint custody and the child lives with each parent one week on, one week off. We are now expecting a baby, have bought a house and are very happy and building a future together. However, she has now decided that she wants to move to another country (she doesnt know where yet but it will not be her home country...she just feels like a change.) They are both Portuguese, but have resided in the UK for about 7/8 years and this is the only home the child has known. She is very much established here, has a secure home, lives in the same area for the past 3 years and is going to the same childcare for the past 3 years - she is also scheduled to start in a local school in the coming months. In terms of finances, myself and my partner are much more stable - we have steady incomes and our purchasing a house I feel makes us even more stable. The mother rents and lives week to week....I don't think she has savings and moving abroad for her would financially be a struggle. Can you advise what rights my partner has and what his chances are of keeping his child here in the UK?
Confuzed - 24-Jun-15 @ 4:50 PM
Hi, My partner has a 4 year old with his ex wife. They split when the child was 1 due to her affair. Shortly after, we got together and he was divorced from her within another year. So as it stands, he is not split from her for 3 years, is in a relationship with me for almost 3 years and has been legally divorced for 2 years. They have equal joint custody and the child lives with each parent one week on, one week off. We are now expecting a baby, have bought a house and are very happy and building a future together. However, she has now decided that she wants to move to another country (she doesnt know where yet but it will not be her home country...she just feels like a change.) They are both Portuguese, but have resided in the UK for about 7/8 years and this is the only home the child has known. She is very much established here, has a secure home, lives in the same area for the past 3 years and is going to the same childcare for the past 3 years - she is also scheduled to start in a local school in the coming months. In terms of finances, myself and my partner are much more stable - we have steady incomes and our purchasing a house I feel makes us even more stable. The mother rents and lives week to week....I don't think she has savings and moving abroad for her would financially be a struggle. Can you advise what rights my partner has and what his chances are of keeping his child here in the UK?
Confuzed - 24-Jun-15 @ 4:26 PM
Hi, My partner has a 4 year old with his ex wife. They split when the child was 1 due to her affair. Shortly after, we got together and he was divorced from her within another year. So as it stands, he is not split from her for 3 years, is in a relationship with me for almost 3 years and has been legally divorced for 2 years. They have equal joint custody and the child lives with each parent one week on, one week off. We are now expecting a baby, have bought a house and are very happy and building a future together. However, she has now decided that she wants to move to another country (she doesnt know where yet but it will not be her home country...she just feels like a change.) They are both Portuguese, but have resided in the UK for about 7/8 years and this is the only home the child has known. She is very much established here, has a secure home, lives in the same area for the past 3 years and is going to the same childcare for the past 3 years - she is also scheduled to start in a local school in the coming months. In terms of finances, myself and my partner are much more stable - we have steady incomes and our purchasing a house I feel makes us even more stable. The mother rents and lives week to week....I don't think she has savings and moving abroad for her would financially be a struggle. Can you advise what rights my partner has and what his chances are of keeping his child here in the UK?
Confuzed - 24-Jun-15 @ 4:14 PM
My close friend has received papers saying that her daughters biological father is taking her to court in order to gain weekend access. what will the courts look into? as the reason he was refused visiting rights was because he lived at his parents who we open alcoholics and drug users. She is scared this will be overlooked or not considered if it goes to court. anyone know what they will look at in particular?
Jollyboi - 16-Jun-15 @ 6:29 PM
@helen77 - I'm going to post your question on our Separated Dads Facebook page to see if anyone has some ideas that can help you resolve your problem. Please access the page for comments.
SeparatedDads - 10-Jun-15 @ 9:56 AM
Hi..can you help? I have seperated from my husand and we are trying to arrange days he can see the kids.As he is flatsharing with a friend and the firls will have nowhere to stay, when he sees kids he will be moving back in here and I have to find somewhere to go.....does anyone elese have experience of this and what can I do....I'm gonna have to rent someone a few days a week :( We can't agree on days either....I have no idea where to start...help would be appreciated.
helen77 - 8-Jun-15 @ 2:56 PM
I would really appreciate some advice! My Wife and I have an 11 month old Son. Everything was fine but then her Mother became what I can only call obsessive and disturbing, calling our Son " her Son" etc. Behind my Wifes back she would make comments to me which were nasty. Basically she huffed over me wanting our new family to spend xmas day in out home, so we had to go to hers. Fair enough, come Easter and we are going to my Mums ( who live 200 miles away) and this woman feigns dementia , didnt remember her name apparently, but my wife told to " go see a doctor " and off we drove. I blocked her from ringing or texting me , so I wouldnt be able to react. Everythings quiet for 2 months then I come home from work one evening and the mother in law has changed the locks on OUR FAMILY HOME!!!! She has argued with my Wife during the day upsetting her so much she took an overdose, and her Mothers reaction was to phone social services to be granted emergency custody, phone the psychological unit to have my wife commited and then got a locksmith out. Wife comes out of Hospital and now is convinced that her Mother knows best and I am now sitting in my mums and see the child every Friday. Everytime I see my Wife she trys to hide it but crys when I leave . Last thing she said to me before going into hospital " dont let my mum take our Son away from us" . The Mother in law wanted me iutbof the picture and got what she wanted, I am thinking of moving close to my Son and try and continue to live positively for his sake . Has anyone experienced a marrige breakdown/ custody issues due to outside influences??
New Dad - 7-Jun-15 @ 10:06 PM
I have my daughter 3 nights Friday afternoon until Monday night my ex still wants money all the time she gets child benefits working tax credits as well am I entitled for half of some of here child benefits due to having our daughter 3 nights sleeping every week
Browny - 1-Jun-15 @ 9:57 PM
I split with my ex 14 months ago, our little boy is now 3years old and lives with her. She claimed tax credits etc and due to the debt i was left with i never paid maintainence. She has now got a lad and is buying a house, because her monthly income has increased with him she can no longer claim tax credits, she now wants money from me. I could see this happening and requested joint custody on the basis i would have him 3 nights per week and would pay 50% of things like uniforms etc when that comes but dont want to give her a monthly maintainence few as i regular by him clothes etc and he is with me on his regular nights etc. if i push for joint custody will i have to pay her maintainence?
JPAB3 - 1-Jun-15 @ 7:39 PM
Just a quick question me and my partner share the care of his 2 children 11 and 9 i have a son from a previous relationship who is 5 i share care with his farther. me and my partner both work and don't receive any benifets for any of the children apart from child benefit for my son, my partners ex is on benefits and receives carers allowence for the 9 year old as he is autistic, but she also wants maintenance from my ex !!!! we have them a week at a time so I don't understand how she can ask for money for them ???
blue - 1-Jun-15 @ 6:30 PM
@justice - you really can only take it to court and go for an interim court order in the meantime. Unfortunately, as difficult as it is for you, there is no law to stop your ex having other boyfriends and letting them stay overnight. If you ask yourself honestly, I suspect, much of this is about your own heightened emotions as about whether or not your ex is doing the wrong thing. There is understandably a lot of strong/raw feelings flying around, which is to be expected as it is not an easy time for you. However, there is nothing to say her boyfriend is having a bad effect on your children. If your ex has stopped you from seeing your children then you need to try to regain access, see article When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, link here. It's a shame that you can't be in agreement over your children with your ex, as she was obviously letting you see them previously. The easiest way through any split is to try and agree things between you, even though you might have to sometimes bite your tongue. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 1-Jun-15 @ 2:34 PM
Will try keep this short me and the wife separated before xmas but still lived in same house, it come out after that she had been sleeping with another man while our girls were 3 and 10 month old, I said she had had a breakdown and got anorexia at the time nobody wanted to listen, she had my baby in bed with this man after 10 days of my girls losing me, she moved my girls out one week before xmas which broke me and my 3 year old heart. she lasts 5 months with this bloke then says sorry for what she had done to the girls and knows it was not right and that she had been on the thrash since we split every wk end and that she was off work with a breakdown and anorexia but she was now going to make the girls a priority and they would help her get better, I thought she was very unstable and tried to go to her parents but they did not want to hear it even though when we first split they knew what she was doing was not normal or in character for there daughter. I have been having my girls 2 nights one week and 3 nights the following week since we split as that fitted in with her going out all the time in her new life. ten days after her and the first bloke split she is now with his mate who has left his partner of 12 years two kids 10 and 4 and she is also 6 months pregnant with his child at the moment, ten days after the last bloke she has now put this bloke in bed with my baby after saying sorry for doing that with the first, I have had to battle her to get the arrangements that we had as she thinks the kids are a weapon had to go to mediation after her messing around all the time and threating me with not seeing the girls, now after 2 weeks of been with the new bloke they plan to get a house and get married (we are still married at the moment) she has not even started the divorce process yet. my eldest told me about both men and does not want a new man in her house with mummy after the last one and never wants to go back and says can I run away from mummy and live with you daddy, this breaks my heart and the ex seems nothing wrong in having different men in such a short space is having an affect on my daughter, she has now stopped me from seeing my girls full stop and says its because I am poisoning my girls mind against her, mediation will no longer deal with her and are giving me the paperwork tp proceed to court, I have asked social services for help but if the girls are not in physical harm it seems she can put another man in bed every day and nothing can be done. if I could have full custody I would, I want joint custody at least when she started with the new bloke she will not allow me to call the girls when I did not have them and now will not let me see them as I say, can I put the application to the court myself and how hard is this to do, then I would get legal representation for the next stage. she is still off work at the moment and is not stable< what can I do ?
justice - 28-May-15 @ 1:35 PM
@sole - if you can't agree between yourselves about your son's access once he starts school and have issues that you can't resolve between yourselves, you might want to suggest going through mediation rather than him taking it to court. I have included a link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here which may give you both an alternative way around things.
SeparatedDads - 21-May-15 @ 2:46 PM
@misswhizz - if he takes it to court, then you will probably be asked if you can sort your issues out through mediation first. Please see article; Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? Link here which will explain the process. If you can't agree through the mediator (who will give you a chance to have your say), then it will go to court to decide what the judge thinks is in the best interest of your children. I can't anticipate what the court may decide. However, if your ex has a contact order he will have to stick to it and so will you, otherwise either could be in breach. In some respects that may benefit you as he will have to stick to his own arrangements which will include not turning up late. With regards to him making derogatory statements about you, then you will have to bring that up as an issue in mediation. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 20-May-15 @ 11:04 AM
Hi my husband and I separated last year and share a four year old son. He is inbetween houses every other day which I don't think is fair for him. He comes back with bruises and cuts as his father doesn't keep an eye on him and when I raise it with his dad he shouts at me and puts me down for being concerned about my son. He will be starting school in September and I have suggested that he stays with me and his father can see him in the week and every other weekend but his father has threatened to take me to court to fight out us having him a week at a time bt iv worked part time to raise my son and don't think he should tell me what my sons routine is and put me down for asking about cuts and bruises.
sole - 18-May-15 @ 12:20 PM
Hello I desperately need some help please. Cutting a very long story as short as I can, my ex and I split up last April. He was arrested for domestic abuse towards me in November 2012 and I have recently had a harassment order put on against him for abusive and relentless texts towards me and my now partner. I signed our joint house solely into his name without a financial settlement as a desperateattempt to keep things amicable for our two daughters, aged five yrs and seven yrs. He slags me off constantly to them telling them things that are inappropriate and potentially destructive to them (ie that mummy killed their brother or sister as I had an abortion..) he keeps them up ridiculously late on school nights, so much so that they look awful when nitpick them up from school the next day! Atm, the agreement between ourselves is that he has them for two nights during the week and one night over the weekend. He doesn't make them brush their teeth or anything else, they just sit there until all hours watching tv and eating sweets slagging me off to them. He takes the youngest one out of bed and wakes her up! He doesn't do the school runs but drops them off to me in the morning, albeit later than the agreed time! Yet he's demanding full custody and creating because, owing to the fact that he drives and I do not, I make him pick them up.. He's threatening me with court as I have threatened him with restricted access if he continues to mess with their heads. I just need to know where generally speaking I would stand if we did actually go to court? Thanks in advance for any advice
misswhizz - 16-May-15 @ 1:13 PM
@saz - if you are actually splitting up with him and you file for a divorce then you are entitled to half the estate as it is co-owned (unless he has some assets which he owned before you married which would be up to the courts to decide). As far as custody goes, you can either agree between you, attend mediation or let the courts decide who should have residency. Unless you agree to joint residency, it is likely it would be granted to you, the mother, and your husband have contact rights. It sounds as though your husband might be a bit of a bully and you may need to find some confidence to assert yourself with him with regards to your own legal rights. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 6-May-15 @ 12:29 PM
Hiya I am currently splitting with my husband and he has made it clear before that he would never let the kids leave or me to take them away. Our house is sold so would both b moving on. He said he would never agree to divorce unless had 50/50 split custody of our kids which I don't agree with at all. The idea of the kids moving between two homes all the time and not having a stable base and home. A solicitor said that it would b more likely that they stay with mum and a 5 day and 2 day split is most likely. He still has me concerned how I could ever make this happen.He would never let me leave. The house is in his name so what if he tries to hide the money after the sale. He has said I couldn't buy anywhere with my share of the proceeds. There is more tgan enough for a deposit and j kmow i coild afford to.live without him.I am worried there is no way out. I don't actually want to separate but he has told me he won't spend any time with me anymore, he says I am too critical of him all the time and we will do our own things when kids in bed. Separate lives living together, which I would separate before doing. Especially considering he expects me to move away from my friends and family as well as put up with that. Any advice greatly received.
saz - 5-May-15 @ 8:27 PM
@Billy - this must be hard for you. Have you tried to speak to him to find out? He might just be at a funny age. You have to really try to get into his head and see what it is that might be bothering him. Can you think if there is anything he might no like when you have him? Do you take him out and do things with him? Or it might be that he is a bit of a mummies boy. I would think of some nice things to do with him, so that he is excited when he comes. As far as your rights go you can take it to court in order to get your time alone with him. Or ask your ex to go to mediation to try and sort the issue out without dragging it through the courts.
Abi - 30-Apr-15 @ 2:32 PM
@missingmygirl - I have posted your comment on our Separated Dads Facebook page in order to let our followers help you answer your question. As dads they can come up with some great advice as many have been through similar issues before, or had to fight for access and have come out the other side. Please refer to the page for answers and suggestions. I hope it helps.
SeparatedDads - 29-Apr-15 @ 2:57 PM
I took my ex wife to court last and successfully was awarded an access order whereby I have contact with my daughter every Wednesday evening and also every 2nd weekend for 3 nights. My ex is going on a hen weekend (on the weekend when I do not have contact) and has said my daughter will go and stay with her grandparents for the two nights my ex is away on the hen weekend. I personally think it is in my daughters best interests that she comes to stay with me as she enjoys coming to stay there. Surely a parent has mroe right than a grandparent in these situations?
John - 29-Apr-15 @ 11:14 AM
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