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Developing an Amicable Relationship With Your Ex

By: Emma Jones - Updated: 21 May 2022 | comments*Discuss
Amicable Ex Mediation Emotions Mother

When you split from your partner it is only natural that you will have some very raw emotions and find it difficult to get along with her. However, because you have a child together, it is important that you find a way to communicate. The situation is not only about the two of you but also about the wellbeing of your child and that is what you need to focus on.

Why be Amicable?

When somebody has hurt you or you have had a difficult break up, the thought of being friendly with them is probably the last thing on your mind. When you have a child though you need to focus on their needs. The split will be hard enough on them anyway and seeing their parents fighting will only make it more emotional for them.

Working Through Your Own Emotions

You will face a cycle of anger, denial, hurt and grief (see our article on the Emotional Stages After Separation) which you need to face up to and deal with. Until you admit your own feelings and find away to confront them, you will still try to take them out on your ex. This is a destructive cycle and is not doing anyone any favours.

Setting an Example

It is all very easy to say be amicable with your ex, but if they are the one being mean or awkward then it can be very hard to remain calm. By rising to the bait you will only make the situation worse. Take a deep breath, and make the choice to be the mature one, setting an example for your child and your ex.


If you cannot come to any kind of truce on your own then it is a very good idea for you and your ex to Seek Some Mediation. This allows an objective onlooker to work with you both and find some common communication. However much you would like to ignore each other, for the sake of your child, that is not an option and you need to commit to finding a solution.

How Can You Create an Amicable Relationship?

Mediation is the first step towards an amicable relationship but you both need to work hard at it. Make a rule that you will only talk about your child and nothing else. Stay focused on the future. Come to arrangements that suit you both and then stick to them to build trust and mutual respect. Put your child first and commit to never arguing in front of them or saying a bad word about their mother.

When emotions are running high it is difficult to be amicable with your ex. However, as the mother of your child she is always going to be in your life and you need to find a way to get on. Deal with your own emotions first so that they don’t get in the way and decide to be the mature one to set an example. As well as seeking mediation, you both need to commit to putting your child first and acting maturely.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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I have a terrible problem My ex just walked out leaving a note on the fridge door saying "I didn't marry an epileptic cripple" after I contracted epilepsy and had spent a year recovering from a broken neck!! I took her to court for access to my 2 daughters but was denied as my epilepsy was classed as a danger to them. Haven't seen or spoken to them for 5.5 years. Don't have a clue where she lives or her parents. She won't respond to any emails even though I have tried my very best to be as polite as possible despite feeling very different ??. Do I have to still have to go to mediation of some form. I have tried to offer this but been ignored. Please help me
Darren - 21-May-22 @ 11:14 PM
Can anyone please tell me of any sites I could download a legal form from to amicably arrange access with my ex to see my children. Many Thanks.
kidsfirst - 27-Feb-13 @ 8:19 PM
I was lucky as I’ve always had a very amicable relationship with my ex – we didn’t even argue or shout when we split up, and we still talk often. This has been much better for our son as he’s seen no real trauma from the divorce and we’re able to present a united front to him when it’s been needed.
Chris - 26-Sep-12 @ 1:19 PM
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