When you have been used to seeing your child every day and that is taken away from you, you are left with a huge void in your life. You may worry that your child won’t remember you, will resent you or be influenced by your ex. Because of this you may feel the need to start competing with your ex. It may also be a way to get back at her for taking your child away. Whatever the reason is, it is not healthy for you or your child and you need to change your behaviour.
If you're concerned that competition is damaging your relationship with your child or that they're being turned against you, you can use our free Parental Alienation Checker.
Why Do You Want to Compete?
The two main reasons why you feel the need to compete with your ex are to get back at her and make your child love you. Although it may not feel like it all the time, your child already loves you and you do not need to compete for their attention. Also, using this behaviour to get back at your ex will only misfire, as it puts them in a stronger position to counteract your behaviour.
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Try our Mediation Prep Tool free, here on this site →What Are Common Ways of Competing?
There are a number of common ways that you may feel the need to compete with your ex. The main one is by Buying Your Child Gifts, toys, days out – whatever you choose to try to get them to see you as the ‘favourite’. Another way may be to be more lenient with them – letting them stay up late, overlooking bad behaviour or letting them eat what they want.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
What Effect Does it Have on Children?
Competing with your ex only has a negative effect on your child. They are already in an unfamiliar situation and your change in behaviour will only confuse them even more. They need structure and routine to feel secure – not lots of new toys or lax boundaries. They are also much more likely to act up or play you off your ex for attention as they see that this is something that you are willing to do and they want to please you.
What Can You Do Instead?
Instead of trying to compete with your ex you need to work together with her. It may be difficult, but you want to present a united front, reinforcing boundaries and showing that you respect each other. Your child wants to know that life is still the same and that they can feel happy and safe. Show them your love by spending time with them, listening to them and being concerned about their wellbeing, rather than trying to prove you are the better parent in other ways.
However tempting it may be to compete with your ex to be the ‘favourite’ parent, it's not good for you or your child. You need to be working with your ex, not against her and concentrate on the happiness and security of your children. You cannot replace time and love with material possessions or a lack of structure. Your children still love you and the best thing you can do is be a good parent to them.
In the 6months she has my daughter calling her on / off partner daddy, she has denied me seeing my daughter through my solicitor I have asked for supervised access through a contact centre just so I can see my daughter but she has denied me this too. We are just starting family mediation but I am not hopeful this will work and I think she is doing this as if it doesn't work and I have to go to court it will be even longer before I get to see my daughter. This process is so slow and painful. Is there anything else I can or should be doing in the mean time to be able to have a relationship with my daughter as I fear she won't remember me and my ex has her calling someone else daddy
To remain a positive influence and make good decisions for your children when you have many natural obstacles that you have to navigate is hard enough.
Then throw in a co-parent who decides that your enemy number 1, every decision you make is considered wrong, it takes a strong character to survive emotionally.
and you know any minor slip up can have serious consequences for you and the children, for what purpose does being difficult serve?
with no real emotional support as its such a personal private relationship, you quickly alienate friends when your life is consumed by the woes of a family break up.
I put my children first and focus on providing a positive life in the time we have, trying to not take the bait when its thrown, hoping that one day the penny will drop and the ex will stand up and acknowledge the negative behaviour and do her best to be better.
I made a decision to not mope about the loss and fill our time with activity, we always do something every day together, by remaining active we explore the world around us and this has had a positive effect, both for me and I think for them, I would be criticised, " your doing too much and they only ever have fun with you" those comments would make me smile....
I would partly hope that she would be influenced to do the same on her end, and she tried but lacked the energy or desire to do it as part of her routine.
Children need their fathers, and nothing is worth fighting for as much as your child.
No matter how difficult the ex can be, always be there, those little ones need you...
Support the fathers who support the children.
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