My Positive Experience of Cafcass

Stuart tells us about his split from his wife and subsequent experiences with Cafcass:

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, sat at my PC with just a daft German Shepherd for company. It's the first Christmas in eight years that I haven't heard the buzz of excited children in the house. Don't feel sorry for me, though – life is good and full of endless opportunity and laughter. I wanted to write this, as it's a story of hope and proof that, sometimes, the system can be fair on dads.

Jeremy Clarkson ended my marriage, not literally mind you. I was reading his column in the Sunday Times and he was saying that he felt the most tragic thing, in his opinion, would be to get to the end of life and be full of regret; regret that you didn't make the decisions you should have, however difficult they may have been.

I looked across the breakfast table at my wife, the career woman driven by status and wealth, and my two beautiful daughters who I adore more than life.

The thought of being treated with indifference and getting old with nothing in common to share and with no laughter was too much. Days later, I ended my marriage after 10 years. At that moment, I unleashed bitterness and anger the likes of which is the stuff of fiction.

Hands-on Dad

The one thing that marrying a woman with a career gave me was the opportunity to be a hands-on dad. My wife went back to work when our first daughter was just three months old and, with the support of an excellent employer, I reduced my hours to three days a week for five years and spent the other two days a week with my daughters. I was privileged to see their first steps, teach them to swim and take them to toddler groups – usually as a token dad among mums, which was an experience in itself! It was precious time that I cherished. When they went to school, I went back to full-time employment but worked from home so that I would see them at each end of the day.

My wife, even though we had discussed many times that her attitude towards work over family would destroy our marriage, claimed to be devastated and asked for time to come to terms with what was happening. I moved into the guest suite as, with practically every penny we had tied up in the house, I wasn't in a position to move out, nor would I, as my children needed me there.

Divorce Application

Three weeks on, I noticed my marriage certificate was missing and then received a letter from my solicitor telling me that my wife was applying for a non-molestation order through the courts which, if successful, would evict me from my own home and limit my access to my children. Oh yes, there was also a petition for divorce based on my supposed unreasonable behaviour. She had obviously had been very busy.

There was no point in contesting the divorce as the court order was thrown out and my wife's Barrister warned about bringing this type of unfounded non-sense to his court. This gave me the first indication that perhaps the courts aren't as pro-mothers as I had previously believed.

There followed a sustained attempt to damage both my reputation and any chance I had of a fair residency agreement for my daughters. I had, after all, spent more time with my daughters when they were pre-school than my wife, and believed that it would be best for them, and what they would want, for an even 50/50 split of time between the two of us.

To give you a feel for how bad it got, I spent 10 hours in a very small police cell following an outrageous allegation, which again, was found to be fabricated and, amazingly, it took the CPS to make a decision that I had no case to answer.

Cafcass Recommendations

There were two things that were pivotal in the result of the residency. A Good Barrister, specialising in only family law, and the involvement of Cafcass, the court's advisory body that make recommendations based primarily on interviews with all family members.

I have heard people speak unfavourably of Cafcass but my experience was excellent. They cut through all the emotion and the "he did this, she did that" accusations, and were completely focused on what was best for my children. As part of the process they interviewed my wife and I together to see if there was common ground for negotiation. She offered every other weekend and one evening a week for tea, which she claimed was "generous".

I stuck to what I believed and said that 50/50 was what the children would want, and that any less than that was not acceptable. Over three months we then went to a full report, which meant interviews separately for both my wife and I and the children, who are just eight and six. The views of the older child were seen as very important as she was old enough to have her views considered by the court. My daughter was adamant that an even split was what she wanted as it would be "fair".

The Cafcass Report duly arrived and recommended an even split of time between parents – one week on, one week off during both holiday and term time. As the court, only in extreme cases, don't follow a Cafcass recommendation, the barristers agreed that we would accept the reports recommendations and submit our agreement to the court, which is what we have done. I cried and cried that evening, but for the first time in eight months they were tears of joy and relief.

Building a New Family Home

We managed to sell our house, at a huge loss, but it has allowed me to move out and set up a new rented home, which the girls and I furnished from scratch in just three weeks. It was really important that I got them involved in setting up the house as it was to be their home too, and I wanted to avoid it feeling like they were visiting when they came to me.

We're three weeks in and the girls are happy with their new home, appearing to be able to move seamlessly between Two Homes. It's hard work working and running a home on your own but you will never hear me complain as I am ecstatically happy to have my girls here.

I guess I was able to present a strong case for shared residency based on the time I had been able to spend with my daughters, but the system came through for me and for that I will always be hugely grateful. Shared residency doesn't have to be 50/50. It can be 90/10 or whatever works for the children, but if you have been there for your children during the marriage, my experience says that the courts, and certainly Cafcass, are looking at it as a very favourable solution.

Staying Positive

I tend to be positive and having the children every other week allows me to do things that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to before. I get to the gym more and I catch up with previously neglected friends and, most importantly, I have met someone that makes me truly happy, who shares my hopes and dreams and laughs with me.

If you are just starting out on this journey, take good advice from the legal profession and stay strong. There will be many tears of sadness, anger and frustration, but there is life after marriage and there can be the chance to continue to play a huge role in your children's lives. I wish you well because it has been a terrible time but for me the journey is over.

In less than 24 hours my home will be filled with the happy shrieks of delight as they open their presents.

Good luck and happiness to you and your families for 2009.

Stuart Marks

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Child Maintenance Calculator lets you find out how much child maintenance you should pay or receive. Takes less than a minute. Try it now →