Martin shares his story about how he eventually obtained a residency order against the odds:
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Two years ago my ex-wife had an affair with a much older man. I was aware that something wasn't right in our relationship, but I guess I was in denial because I didn't want to consider the break up of what had been a very happy marriage up until that point. We also had a very young son – at the time she met this other man he was still not two years old and I dreaded what a break up of our marriage would do to our child.
Although I was usually working long hours, when at home I loved to spend time with my son right from the day he was born. In comparison, my ex-wife had never been a particularly involved mother. I won't say she doesn't love our son, but she's never been particularly good with children and finds them 'boring'. As time went by her interest in our child seemed to lessen rather than increase. She also took on more work (or rather visiting her boyfriend and claiming to be working), so that our son spent virtually his entire week either with me, or with my parents.
Obviously it couldn't go on like this forever and when I discovered I'd caught a STI (from my wife as I certainly wasn't involved in any other relationships!) I hit the roof and it all came out in the open. We did attempt to patch things up, for the child's sake, but not long after, just before Christmas, I came home to find my house stripped of all possessions worth taking, and my wife and son missing. There was a letter on the table saying she and my son had 'gone to live with a better man' and a very strong hint that I might as well top myself because she was going to take the house and everything else I owned. Apparently I wouldn't want to carry on living as I'd 'spend the rest of my days paying for her and my son to live in my house while I lived in poverty'.
Importance of Getting a Solicitor Quickly
That was the lowest point in my life, I don't ever want to be there again. I admit I phoned the Samaritans many times that Christmas because I seriously considered doing just what she'd suggested, but love for my son and very supportive friends and family kept me from going crazy. Luckily I'd been to see a solicitor the day after she left, one of those 'first hour is free' consultations. They were very good and helped with my application for divorce. I can't state enough how grateful I was later for getting to the solicitor immediately after the event rather than waiting.
Then in the New Year things started, slowly, to pick up again. First, my ex-wife dumped our son on me, as she couldn't cope/didn't want him and her new partner was not interested. Shortly after, she went to see a solicitor and I started getting official letters demanding all kinds of things. But as I had a solicitor myself to deal with these things, I wasn't bullied into anything foolish, again counted my blessings on getting a reputable solicitor so soon after it all happened. We agreed a schedule, but immediately she started messing around with it and changing days on a whim – so I was often left sat in a cold car for hours waiting for my son.
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Following the advice of my solicitor, the next time she 'forgot' to hand over our son I contacted the police, who turned up on her partner's doorstep and persuaded her to hand over the child. The next day she, my son, and her new partner all turned up on my doorstep and her partner attempted to make threats. I just slammed the door on him, but I later found out from the police that I would have been within my rights to punch him – something to bear in mind if you're in this situation. Make sure it's clearly seen as defensive though and, if possible, that a witness is present.
The first (directions) court hearing passed without any major changes in childcare arrangements. The divorce itself came and went – my ex-wife NOT being able to make a claim on any more of my property, so I kept my house, car and sanity, despite all her threats. She and her new partner split up, she moved into a tiny flat completely unsuited to a two year old.
To get 'even' with me she had me arrested for an alleged assault and attempted rape that never happened. After arresting me, locking me in a cell and interrogating me, the police were so convinced nothing had happened they let me go with a great deal of sympathy. In dealing with the police about matters like this it seems absolute honesty and patience are the best options. They have to go through their routines even if they don't believe anything has happened. Another lesson, never lose your temper when fighting legal battles, try to stay calm, focused and logical.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
The Cafcass Report is Crucial
Then started a year of legal battles over the residency of our son. The big decider here being the assessment of the Cafcass Officer and her report. Luckily for me, my ex-wife's instability and messy private life was picked up by the Cafcass Officer. Again, absolute honesty is the key. As I believe is usually the case the Judge in the Family Court went almost entirely on what was said in the Cafcass report. So if there is a key to 'winning' in the Family Court it is to leave a good impression with the Cafcass Officer, as they're only interested in what both parties can offer the child. The end result for me has been a final court order in my favour with my son having two days of contact a week with his mother.
Stay Focused on What's Best for the Child
A final word of warning though. Having said all this, my battle for my son is not over yet. My ex-wife has come back (yet again) with a bid for residency. I shall, of course, fight it, in court if necessary, and I won't let her win. It's not easy, it's not cheap and it's lengthy, so any father who wants to fight for residency really needs to think long and hard about what they will go through. At the end of the day although it might be tempting to go in with guns blazing in the heat of the moment, in quiet retrospect the only thing that really matters is the health and wellbeing of the child, isn't it? As a father if you focus on that and not on your own hurt and anger, you will be doing the best for the child in the long run regardless of the outcome of the legal battle.'
Martin Spencer (not his real name)
Thanks to Martin for sharing his experiences with our readers.
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I am dumbstruck as to why a so called satisfied Man (with his life) would waste time reading these blogs of a sensitive nature and is perplexed that other men who have seen that white substance they splurged out actually had something to do with this little person who has my eyes, face, whatever.
The hardest part of separation isn’t the woman/man although most aren’t without challenges etc. It’s the guilt of splitting up the little world the child had become accustomed to.
Personally I cannot fathom why any parent wouldn’t want to be involved in their own flesh and blood development for the foreseeable.
Being accountable for ones actions and being Responsible for the upbringing of another is the most rewarding voluntary work ever.
I say voluntary but IMO parents have a moral obligation after all we created them
I have a home owned solely by me prior to marriage.
Every solicitor doesn’t have the appetite to justify exclusion from joint assets and same goes for my pension.
I would love full custody not only because I’m also the involved parent, this way benefits the child massively as she is left unattended from anywhere between 3-6 hours whilst the mother works (from home). She’s then eating past 8 etc.
When I brought this up, as expected it was met with a tirade of, I have no choice what would you rather I don’t work at all and she won’t be able to do this or that.
I’m stuck as to what to do.
Notes of cautuon:
Get a solicitor. Costly but worth every penny. You can do it without a solicitor as I did but it takes a lot longer. I am going back to court this time with a solicitor as she has stopped contact.
When you do your position statement not one bad word about your ex. You only state what you think will be in the best interest of the child. Let your ex say bad words about you and even slander you. Mine did and I provided evidence everytime so she just looked vindictive and a liar.
Always wear a suit/smart clothing definately no trousers.
Lastly be polite to everyone and do not shout in the court process. I remeber at East london family court I smiled at someone and helped them with something that later turned out to be one if the three judges for my hearing
my girlfriend and I are not married and we have a son now 3 months old. we have separated and gone away separate ways.
she has also gone and registered our son's birth however, my name is not on the birth certificate.
she has now moved away without informing me of her address and has taken my son with her.
Please can you help me with the following questions.
1. can I force my girlfriend to provide her address by law and how can this be done.
2. can I be added on to the birth certificate even though we are not married.
3. what are my legal rights and responsibility as a father over our son.
I have been married for over 14 years and have a 10 year old child.
I own a property with my soon to be ex wife.
I have always paid the mortgage and all the bills since our marriage.
She has been reluctant and resistant to workIng full time which has meant that i have had to work exceptionally hard doing additional hours to cover our expenses.
Will she take the house in the divorce and will I be forced to pay the mortgage even though I won’t be living there.
Can I ask for the property to be sold and expect half of the equity.
My wife is a bully insists on winning every little thing. It was frustrating that I could not even have any input to family life, I ended up try to find ways to please my wife, to try to make her happy. But nothing seemed to work.
My wife would belittle in front of the children, if I stood up for myself verbally, my wife would shout and scream at me. There was no reasoning with her. I think she just hated me.
My wife decided to sleep and live in the living room about three years ago. I wanted to go to relate but she did not. She said she wanted to get divorced, and go to Mediation. She then refused to go to Mediation and refused to discuss the matter any further.
My wife then stopped me from using the lounge and I now live in the bedroom upstairs. My wife threatens to call the police on me, and calls me a child abuser and woman hater, financial abuser at me in front of the children. I
Its very frustrating, my health has deteriorated as a result.
Last year I started divorce proceedings. My wife went to mediation for one session and then refused to go further.
She said "we can not agree on anything, I want the judge to decide"
The legal costs for me have been great. My wife is representing herself, she is very smart and she appears to know more about divorce than my solicitor. I think my wife has been planning the divorve for years.
I'm getting to understand the issues more as this divorce evolves. What gets me is that everything appears to be in my wifes favour. She wants the house paid off, and in her name, half my pension and maitenance for the children.
I said I want to have the children 50% of the time. Anything less, my wife will just make it so awkward.
My wife never gives me any credit for any of my contributions to the marriage.
I'm a firm believer in equality, but it appears the family courts do not. Is there any signs of change in how the judges apply law fairly to both genders? It feels wrong that my wife wants 70% of the assets. When she did not contribute 70% of the wealth. My wife is very intelligent degree educated and could find a higher paid job. But the court seems to ignore this aspect.
I'm just fed up with the way the system works. It does not incentivise honesty.
Is there any hope of a 50/50 resolution? Has anyone heard of this outcome being successful?
My ex and I seperated around 5 years ago. My now 7 year old son has been seeing me every other weekend and 70% of the school holidays since then, but I have an attritional relationship with my ex. My partner and I are currently building a case for custody, for many issues, surrounding his health and emotional wellbeing.
However this weekend he is here with me, and he has been bitten by his family dog. It is not serious, but he tells me it's not the first time, and also his sister has been bitten. I have asked his mother, but she has denied it, and is now ignoring my request about how the injury occured.
I am considering refusing to take him home if I do not get an explanation, but my ex is very vindictive, and every time I disagree with her on anything, she makes it difficult for me to see him.
I have parental responsibilty, and a contact order, She has a residence order.
Any advice would be welcome.
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