A Father's Fight for Contact With His Boys

By: Clare Birtles - Updated: 11 Feb 2020 | *Discuss

 

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Read Tim Bailey's (name changed) story about his split from his fiancée and ensuing battle for contact with his children.

I arrived home after a long day, my late Father's ashes and torn Christmas paper still gathering dust on the back seat of the car. Dinner was on the go so I went upstairs to freshen up, only to find my fiancée's mobile tossed carelessly on the windowsill, vibrating to reveal an affair.

I confronted her, as I had been doing for some weeks about her erratic behaviour. I asked Mum to come over and sit with the children, so that an adult discussion could be held. When she arrived my once doe-eyed and now cornered fiancée began yelling at, insulting and intimidating my Mum, the situation deteriorating swiftly so calling the police was the only option.

Like a SWAT team the police arrived in force, 2 squad cars and a supervisor, 5 officers in total, who shamelessly agreed that I would leave my own property in order to keep the peace. So the next day she moved her new partner in, an ex-prisoner with no driving licence or insurance, who proceeded to drive my children to school each day. The police were not interested, and the social services thought I was a jilted troublemaker, both organisations vehemently ignoring my complaints.

After the dust settled my contact with my boys was still being refused. Following advice; hiring a mediator and bankrolling the sessions, only led to the mediator concluding that she was not prepared to compromise, and writing to the Court. Now I had not seen my children for months.

Meanwhile a phone call told me that the helpful police officers were investigating me for domestic violence. They had received a statement claiming that I had leapt upon, pinned down and punched my fiancée. I was arrested and interviewed under caution, but the police took no further action, as there was no case to answer. Fortunately there is some sense left in the world.

My solicitor, after some expensive wrangling, returned my house to me. My horrible ex-partner had stolen almost everything that fit through the front door. There was cold water running down the living room walls, holes in the upstairs plasterboard, a cracked front door and rubbish strewn everywhere. The car she had often complained about was testament to further ill-will, between three separate collisions the insurance company agreed to write it off.

After an 11th hour compromise between all parties, the Court hearing was merely to, "rubber stamp," the private agreement, which at least acknowledged the access difficulties by its very existence. The order was woefully inadequate, but at least it was the start of a solution. However within days minor breaches began to occur. I reported them to CAFCASS, who were not interested. Unsurprisingly the breaches worsened.

After the breaches had continued for months, there was no option but to involve the Court again. No more savings. The Court agreed the banshee was in breach, but still refused to impose any punishment, by implication making the whole Order a worthless exercise. Stress causing health complaints and tiredness. Instead we had to write statements but were saved the heartaches of CAFCASS interventions.

Now I am awaiting the final hearing date so that the impartial strangers of the Family Court whose input I requested can decide whether to grant more contact to me the boy's Father, or reduce the agreed contact, as their mother is requesting. Regardless of the outcome, they have already demonstrated their unwillingness to punish breaches.

I have told the Court to think wisely before they make fathers extinct like the wolves, as at times I have felt like howling an insane scream in the garden. Trapped in a helpless battle where the mother holds most of the cards. It troubles me that she both broke up the family and then had the insulting righteousness to punish me for it. She has assumed the custodial role of the children and has denied me access with impunity.

I have concluded that she was an insecure bully and jealous control-freak, but this has not helped the situation at all. The children's future was stolen from them, and this is what upsets me the most. The court will not provide a karmic punishment, nor did I expect it to, but I had hoped for some equality, given that it is pushed on us all every day in most other spheres of reality.

So I am now supposed to be pleased with the contact I get with my boys, the broken family I now have, the ripple effects to family, neighbours, work colleagues and friends, and I have the joyous horror of supposedly bringing up children with a person I despise and have no contact with. It is a horrible situation made worse by her remorseless actions.

The law needs to be changed, but more so general attitudes to fatherhood, which throughout this experience has been revealed to be perceived as no more than an optional bolt-on to welfare state funded motherhood.

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A Separated Dad's Story of How He Got Residency Rights

My Positive Experience of Cafcass

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