Read Tim Bailey's (name changed) story about his split from his fiancée and ensuing battle for contact with his children.
If you're being prevented from seeing your children after a relationship breakdown, you can get practical guidance using our free Access Denied Action Plan.
I arrived home after a long day, my late Father's ashes and torn Christmas paper still gathering dust on the back seat of the car. Dinner was on the go so I went upstairs to freshen up, only to find my fiancée's mobile tossed carelessly on the windowsill, vibrating to reveal an affair.
I confronted her, as I had been doing for some weeks about her erratic behaviour. I asked Mum to come over and sit with the children, so that an adult discussion could be held. When she arrived my once doe-eyed and now cornered fiancée began yelling at, insulting and intimidating my Mum, the situation deteriorating swiftly so calling the police was the only option.
Like a SWAT team the police arrived in force, 2 squad cars and a supervisor, 5 officers in total, who shamelessly agreed that I would leave my own property in order to keep the peace. So the next day she moved her new partner in, an ex-prisoner with no driving licence or insurance, who proceeded to drive my children to school each day. The police were not interested, and the social services thought I was a jilted troublemaker, both organisations vehemently ignoring my complaints.
After the dust settled my contact with my boys was still being refused. Following advice; hiring a mediator and bankrolling the sessions, only led to the mediator concluding that she was not prepared to compromise, and writing to the Court. Now I had not seen my children for months.
Meanwhile a phone call told me that the helpful police officers were investigating me for domestic violence. They had received a statement claiming that I had leapt upon, pinned down and punched my fiancée. I was arrested and interviewed under caution, but the police took no further action, as there was no case to answer. Fortunately there is some sense left in the world.
Check what legal rights you have as a separated father. Takes 2 minutes.
Try our Father's Rights Checker free, here on this site →My solicitor, after some expensive wrangling, returned my house to me. My horrible ex-partner had stolen almost everything that fit through the front door. There was cold water running down the living room walls, holes in the upstairs plasterboard, a cracked front door and rubbish strewn everywhere. The car she had often complained about was testament to further ill-will, between three separate collisions the insurance company agreed to write it off.
After an 11th hour compromise between all parties, the Court hearing was merely to, "rubber stamp," the private agreement, which at least acknowledged the access difficulties by its very existence. The order was woefully inadequate, but at least it was the start of a solution. However within days minor breaches began to occur. I reported them to CAFCASS, who were not interested. Unsurprisingly the breaches worsened.
After the breaches had continued for months, there was no option but to involve the Court again. No more savings. The Court agreed the banshee was in breach, but still refused to impose any punishment, by implication making the whole Order a worthless exercise. Stress causing health complaints and tiredness. Instead we had to write statements but were saved the heartaches of CAFCASS interventions.
Now I am awaiting the final hearing date so that the impartial strangers of the Family Court whose input I requested can decide whether to grant more contact to me the boy's Father, or reduce the agreed contact, as their mother is requesting. Regardless of the outcome, they have already demonstrated their unwillingness to punish breaches.
I have told the Court to think wisely before they make fathers extinct like the wolves, as at times I have felt like howling an insane scream in the garden. Trapped in a helpless battle where the mother holds most of the cards. It troubles me that she both broke up the family and then had the insulting righteousness to punish me for it. She has assumed the custodial role of the children and has denied me access with impunity.
I have concluded that she was an insecure bully and jealous control-freak, but this has not helped the situation at all. The children's future was stolen from them, and this is what upsets me the most. The court will not provide a karmic punishment, nor did I expect it to, but I had hoped for some equality, given that it is pushed on us all every day in most other spheres of reality.
So I am now supposed to be pleased with the contact I get with my boys, the broken family I now have, the ripple effects to family, neighbours, work colleagues and friends, and I have the joyous horror of supposedly bringing up children with a person I despise and have no contact with. It is a horrible situation made worse by her remorseless actions.
The law needs to be changed, but more so general attitudes to fatherhood, which throughout this experience has been revealed to be perceived as no more than an optional bolt-on to welfare state funded motherhood.
We'd like to express our thanks to Tim for sharing his story. If you would like to tell us your story please get in touch via our contact page. Names and circumstances can be changed to keep things anonymous.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
My ex partner has just recently given birth to my possible son. I wont go into the ins and outs of why she is an 'ex' but basically, she has blocked my number and blocked me from all forms of contact and if it was up to her I wouldnt even know he was born! I found out when he was already a week old from my ex's sister that I'd never even spoken to! I know nothing about the baby, only a few small bits that her sister has told me.
I've spoken to a few family solicitors but cannot afford their fees etc. I've also been to citizens advice in York and am waiting for them to get back in touch with me.
I am just hoping to get some help/advice from anyone that might've been through a similar situation, to help give me an idea on what actions I need to take.
First of all I need to find out if he is actually my child as on multiple occasions my ex played with my emotions and my head, knowing I have suffered in the past with my mental health so i want to do a paternity test but dont think my ex would make it an easy process... obviously if the test comes back with the result I'm hoping for, (that he is mine) I want to be involved and have a relationship with my son. Any advice would be very much appreciated!
Thanks, A
He has deteriorated badly and has been abused and neglected. She is really interested in his money and they can now see that. A Hearing in the CoP is due next week minus myself.
The scandalous CoP and others fabricated he has gained capacity to decide not to see me and his brother but, this was done under unfair conditions and the assessment is full of untruths.
I believe that they are deliberately excluding me as everything has backfired and it now looks very bad on them whereby exposing their unlawfulness and Human Rights breaches. We have not seen nor heard from him for 3 years.
She is riddled with personality problems, anorexia, bulemia, fluctuation mood cycles, anger, kindness, anger etc.
It's too much to explain here, but recently she was hanging with cocaine dealers after her new husband left her after a year of marriage.
She has even let a methadone user babysit my children during school holidays, I moved to be closer to my children a 100 miles away.
I was driving 400 mile round trips to see my children aged now, 6 & 8.
We had a very good relationship, social services were called in once her activities were revealed and my children were exposed to 'significant danger' one night, where she was allegedly raped whilst my children slept upstairs.
Have had meetings at the school, social services interviewed the children, and initially they said they have had a good relationship with me, my daughter aged 8, said 'my daddy is a nice daddy'
I saw them together last at my ex's home, I gave my son his birthday presents and easter eggs for both kids.
As Ieft, they were waving from the upstairs window at me, saying 'bye bye daddy, love you over and over, blowing kisses until I reached the street corner.
3 weeks later, we have a school meeting, and social services saythey have seen my children and both expressed a wish that they don't want to see me again.
I am told I can write letters and they will reply, leading possibly to telephone contact and maybe seeing them again if they wish to.
I believe myy children have been manipulated by my ex and SS are going along with it.
Can someone please advise me, the SW at the meeting more or less said don't bother with court, you're application will be thrown out if the children say they no longer want to see me...is this true, and what are my options?
There are a number of problems with the system. Firstly, believe it or not it is not about the dads or the mums but about the child. I believe that the child has a fundamental right to see both parents. I don't however believe that a 50/50 split on a time basis is necessarily best for the child. I am lucky in that I work from home and can be flexible.
It is a complex problem but I really think that the approach needs to change so that we concentrate on the child. Most children would choose to see both parents for an equal amount of time. They have an innate sense of fairness because it is a hard and fast rule that is easy to understand and apply to complex situations.
There is another problem in that the services surrounding the residency of a child are dominated by women, and a lot of them are mothers themselves with an axe to grind regarding a broken relationship, or a career centered on child care. It is difficult to find an independent view that is not driven by gender or career. I have a lot of problems with female teachers, normally the divorced ones who see me as an enemy - a man looking after a child!
If the child's right to parental contact and financial support from both parents were enshrined in law then I think the whole situation would change for the better. Maybe solicitors could then act for the child, rather than the warring parents.
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