Checklist: The Emotional Stages After Separation

Author: Emma Jones

Whether you or your partner initiated the separation, breaking up is never an easy thing to do, especially when there are children involved. Even if it was your decision, and you know it is the right thing to do, you will still feel a range of emotions that can be difficult to deal with.

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Take a look at our checklist which outlines the most common emotional stages you will experience. Remember that you are not crazy or weak to be feeling this way. It is important to work through your emotions and come to terms with them so that you are able to move on.

1. Denial

The first stage of separation is denial. This can begin even before the break-up, when you are denying to yourself that the relationship is in trouble. You may try to convince yourself that everything will work out or that you will eventually get back together again with your ex. This is a way to protect yourself from hurt.

2. Anger

It is natural to feel angry – both at your ex-partner and yourself. It doesn’t seem fair that this is happening to you and you want to blame someone. Anger can be a very destructive emotion, though, so it is important that you channel it constructively and don’t let it tear you apart.

3. Guilt

You feel guilty that you let your relationship fail and are breaking up the family – couldn’t you have done more? There is no point racking yourself with guilt. Things happen and it is important to learn from them and make the best of your new reality.

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4. Fear

Once you have stopped denying the situation or blaming it on someone else, the truth begins to set in. You are on your own again. Out in the big wide world. Away from your child. This can be a scary prospect and you will probably be filled with fear. This is a healthy emotion that will help you decide how to move forward.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

5. Grief

Even if you wanted the relationship to end, you will still feel a great sense of loss. You will be grieving for the future that you had hoped for and all those dreams that never quite came true. You need to acknowledge your grief and deal with it before you will be able to take the next step.

6. Re-invention

When you have been through a break-up many people will face a stage of re-invention. This is the point when you look at yourself and think 'what can I do differently?' or 'how can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?' Considering these things means that you are already on the road to recovery

7. Acceptance

Once you have dealt with your emotions – which can take some time – then you will move to a state of acceptance. No, it’s not the way you wanted it to turn out and yes, you probably could have done things differently, but this is where you are now, and you can start focusing on your future.

After a separation, you can find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, swinging between anger, guilt, denial and grief. This is natural but it is important to acknowledge and deal with your emotions so that you can reach a place of acceptance and be ready to put the past behind you and look towards the future.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Father's Rights Checker lets you check what legal rights you have as a separated father. Takes 2 minutes. Try it now →

Showing 20 of 80 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

Jdoe 22/05/2021 at 1:26 pm

I am asking my wife for divorce next week because she took the kids to Louisiana for five months and won’t come home. We argued quite a bit but mostly due to poor communication between us and overwork on my part.
Can this be rectified?

The Dude 20/04/2021 at 4:16 pm

So, I have been separated from my wife for a little over 3 years now. I still have dreams about her and those dreams bring a mix of anger and guilt for me.
Unfortunately these ridiculous feelings have destroyed what was a great relationship with a beautiful woman in the past. Now, I have found someone new, and I know I need to shake these feelings in order to develop a healthy relationship with the new woman.
I don't understand why I still have these dreams.

Nima 27/03/2021 at 11:48 pm

My partner wants to move back to her country of origin (after 15 years in the UK from uni onwards) she wants to take our 15 year old boy with her.

Lockdown really killed our relationship, she says the spark is gone and she’s unwilling to seek counselling or try to make things work.

Anyone been through relocation cases- I hear they’re very costly (100-200k) and I’d like to know what chance I stand of stopping her from moving to Germany?!

Mare 23/01/2021 at 9:01 am

I’ve been with this person for over 35 yrs. I have been disrespected and disregarded. He’s handicapped and has no gratitude w any thing anyone has done for him. I’ve lost everything I worked for. My family home, my own home, my self respect. I took a stand when we had to sell or lose our house. I found a place for myself and a job. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hate what he made of our lives. I’m so exhausted and done . He won’t leave me alone and is in total denial that I’m gone. I don’t feel guilty But I’m just going thru all kinds of emotions as I try to repair myself. I want to talk to someone

Hurt husband 05/09/2020 at 7:20 pm

Please help !!!!
I've been with my wife 13 years, I'm 41 she's 30, we've had some rough patches, however things have been very good for a couple of years. Suddenly she announced she wanted to separate (jumped into bed with a guy 3 weeks later), 3 months on she's got her own place, we have the kids 50/50. She's started dating and sleeping with a new guy and says she doesn't think we will ever get back together. I'm in bits shes my whole world, I can't stop my feelings, do I continue to fight and show her I love her and keep trying to talk some sense into her in the hope she realises what she's left behind or am I being an idiot, I'm in turmoil, I've just been signed off with depression.

Suer 04/09/2020 at 6:36 pm

Been broke up over 3 months. They already had someone else before I left so they have moved on. I am having a really hard time moving on. I have not talked to them in 2 months but they are always on my mind an advise to help move on.

Void 15/08/2020 at 11:15 am

Two years down the track of leaving an emotional and physical abuser I'm still being abused but on a whole new level. Ex partner has pressured the whole family to not associate with me. Even though my children are adults, emotional minipulation is a powerful tool abusers use long after their partner leaves. I am not able to see my grand daughter any more as my ex gets along really well with my son enlaw, who took it upon himself to feel empathy for his complaints against me. It caused my son enlaw to make threats against me causing a huge argument and not allowing me to see my grand daughter any more. It was made clear I was not welcome at my father enlaws funeral even though I was a part of the family for 35years and no one will speak to me. My youngest daughter fears isolation from the family so she also supports the negative behaviour towards me. The only possesion I received from my separation was a motorbike which my ex took it upon himself to rub battery acid over it before I could pick it up and kept the keys. Solicitors don't help victims of abuse they only care about how much money they can get out of you. Really hard to rebuild your life when ex partners are abusers.

Billy 11/11/2019 at 7:35 pm

@rainonme.people think I have (shut down I haven’t ).people think I was hurt yeah I was at (myself) more then anything for putting up with someone like my child’s mother .all I wanted was to see my (daughter) but she put me in a (difficult situation )where things could spiral out off control and end up in a fist fight with the guy she seeing just so happens to be my uncle see my dilemma?.i really don’t want to fight just wanted to see my daughter (alone on my turf )but most people don’t have a family like mine they all wanted a peace off the pie child’s (mother) more like it .so I will wait to my daughter is 18 .

Rainonme 11/11/2019 at 2:24 am

I am the one who filed for divorce. I was emotional at the time and the court process a world wind as I actually filed a tro and later dismissed it. Although DV was in the relationship it wasn’t present towards me at the time I filed. Feeling that I should not continue with the TRO I dismissed the case and tried to communicate to my spouse...we have been talking and I am trying now to reconcile and he has been so hurt by me through this that he has shut down. I think I am in the denial phase. I am suffering from depression and I am just reaching out to him in pain. I look pathetic.

Alone 18/09/2019 at 2:02 pm

So, I've looked everywhere for advice and my situation seems to be unique. See I'm a mom or at least that's what I'm supposed to be. My ex and I split up about three years ago and our son is now four. I made the conscious decision to let my son stay with his dad. See I wasn't in a financial position to support myself and my son and since I was the one leaving I wanted things to remain as normal as possible for my son. I nearly died, depression was killing me and the pain was the worst I have ever experienced. But it passed and for a while I seemed okay but I still regret all the moments I have missed. I see me son every second weekend but as he gets older I feel myself distancing from him. He is my child and I love him more than anything but I haven't felt like a mother in a long time. So, I'm not at all unhappy with my decision to leave my ex, he was verbally abusive and destructive but I can't fault him on being a dad. I just want to know if this feeling goes away, this feeling of not fully being a parent anymore.

Chris 02/04/2019 at 2:02 am

@lonedad.i have (let go )and I am (strong) I will admit I am not as (confident) as I once was .i am (single bye choice )and choose to (share house) because I don’t want to be (lonely). I am nothing like the (Jason and Kelly) and (don’t want that with the mother off my child) .i explained before I had (orders) on me and had some (extremely desperate times in my life) where I wouldn’t been able to look after her in those times I can’t look after myself .but I can’t dwell on the past it’s gone now and I will see (her again ).

Chris 02/04/2019 at 1:07 am

@lonedad.my emotional state is (ok )I was never married I had a child (very young )I was( not ready or mature enough) .i stayed with the mother for a few years on and off it was alway (rocky never stable relationship lots off arguments and cheating) but we stayed together to (breaking point where someone is going to get hurt possible lucky no one did get hurt to bad there was domestic violence on my side and I was put on probation and courses for (18 months off my life it was hell and with that happening was a decision that keeped me from going to court for visitation.it was a (wake up call) for myself I was (petrified )off jail .then I got hooked on drugs ended up (homeless for years )suffering mental health issues and( contemplating suicide) likely I never did .now I am 38 and share house I wrecked my life but i have to deal with the choice I made and make the most with what I got .thanks

Lonedad 01/04/2019 at 10:55 pm

It's very quickly 10 years since the family didn't live in the same place. It was her decision didn't want me coming home anymore in 2019. We then separated and we still are.

I started from anger, grief, and forced myself to be strong, not to reaching out with wife but deep down I believe one day we will get back together as a family, I still believe that.

In the early years, I was trying to keep in touch but keep it very brief, I used to see them once a week between 2009 to 2016. as I tried to give myself some self-respect, also I have work commitments. Things got worse I just went to see them once every 2 weeks 3 years ago and now less than once a month or even longer.

They'd never called me, wife doesn't always answer my calls these days. My kids never answer my calls, dont even read my text messages. Talking to them become very difficult or I would say we have nothing to talk about. It's heart breaking. I got very emotional. I feel sad, the loneliness is unbearable from time to time especially at night. I blame myself, as I can't move on and they seem to be happy without me.

If I don't call them from now on. That's it. I won't see my kids anymore.

How have you guys dealing with your emotions? Thanks for reading.

Rich80 Editor 23/01/2018 at 12:51 pm

@Bob - it happens all the time, both ways around. But who says who we fall in love with. Non of us are sensible really. She probably didn't want to do that to the kids - but it's happened, as painful as it is for you. The good thing is that you have access to the kids. Who is to know that things might change again. She might get fed up of him. She might suddenly wake up one day and realised she has made a mistake, then again she might not. In the meantime, you have to get on with your own life and not take it personally. We all go through crises in life where we make silly decisions. But we live with them or offload them. You have a co-parenting relationship with your kids, concentrate on your time with them and you will get over this. If you can remain pals with your ex, that's your best option. If your ex sees you getting on with your life she might realise what she's missing!

SeparatedDads Editor 06/04/2017 at 11:17 am

I am very sorry to hear this. You don't say whether the court has made a decision, or what has lead to this decision being proposed. A court will, where it can, try to ensure a non-resident parent has a fair amount of contact with their children after separation in order to help maintain a healthy parent/children relationship. If a three-year separation is being muted, you don't say who by and why, which makes it difficult to help with your question. In circumstances like this it is important to try to get as much helps as you possibly can and talk this through with as many people who you can, whether this is via support groups for the particular issues you are experiencing, or your GP who can refer you to a counsellor. Likewise, there are many telephone helplines such as the Samaritans who will help if you are feeling desperate or when you feel you have nowhere to turn. Please also talk to family and friends - the fact they are concerned about your emotional state means they care. Our Separated Dads forum may also help you, as will organisations such as Families Need Fathers herethat holds local branch meetings where you can receive the support you need. I hope this helps.

Nic75 05/04/2017 at 5:49 pm

I feel so alone with the issue. I feel as though no one is listening to me only judging my emotional state. I have 5 children and until December (10 months after splitting up with their Mum) a wonderful relationship with each and the lot of them as a group. I love my kids and have now been told it could be 3yrs until I can see or speak to them again. What can I do? No one will hear me or acknowledge how difficult this is...

Oggy 03/03/2017 at 4:38 pm

I'am a dad of 2 children under 2. Me and and my partner had been together for 4 years. In the past 6 months my partner has become nasty with me not wanting anything to do with me . I would be left to look after the children while she went out Friday night and wouldn't come back till Sunday night. She would not text once about the children when she went out. I told her how I felt so we agreed to give it another go (Denial) if we both changed. A week after this talk the going out happened again. I said that was it as I was trying so hard on my half but wasn't getting anything back. However now I feel so lonely and sit thinking what if she had changed. All I wanted it to be a happy family and spend all our free time doing family things. Now I'm in the middle of moving out but have to move back in with my grandmother and have the kids at week ends because I can't afford a place at the minute. Besides all my heartbreak I feel like just staying in the same house and not going for the sake of the kids but know it isn't right.

leev 07/01/2017 at 4:24 pm

I'm a dad of a 12 month old baby who has just split up with the babies mother. I caused the split and regret it (drink issues) and would do anything to turn back time. The pain is raw as only been 3 days but devastated isn't the word. We've already agreed moving out and financial things. How do you move on? How do you part time fatherhood?

mold 01/12/2016 at 5:15 am

Separated from my ex- to be wife about a year ago. We were together for more than 12 years, married for 11 years (both 35 years old). We had two great children that I love and adore so much. Our relationship was built with no foundation from the beginning hence the reason it collapsed. We both tried but didn't workout at the end. It was my decision to end it but her decision for a brief separation 5 years ago. I missed my family so much. After our separation, I have been an emotional roller coaster for 8 months out of 12, swinging between anger, guilt, denial and grief. I have managed to deal with my emotions so that you can reach a place of acceptance and be ready to put the past behind me and look towards the future. I thoughts i have moved on but I still misses them. My ex was so mean after I moved out but I tried to play this down and not involve the children. She involved children telling them Dad didn't care. We have agreed to start our divorce process now. I have to do everything that pleases her so that my children doesn't get involve with the mess we created. I have accepted my own part of the mess we both created, but she wouldn't admit her own part which I am not really bothered about.

SeparatedDads Editor 21/06/2016 at 1:01 pm

Many thanks for your interesting comments and thoughts.

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