Separation is hard, whoever made the decision. Even if you are sure it was right, you may find your feelings difficult to handle, especially when children are involved.
Struggling does not mean you are weak or coping badly. Separation can bring many different emotions. There is no fixed pattern: feelings may overlap, return unexpectedly or change over time. Recognising what you feel may help you decide what support you need.
Common emotional responses
You may recognise some of these, all of them, or none. There is no right order and no deadline.
- Shock and disbelief: you may find it hard to take in what has happened, or keep hoping you will get back together.
- Anger: you might feel angry with your ex, with yourself or with the situation. Wanting someone to blame is common. If anger starts to affect your relationships or health, it is worth getting support to manage it.
- Going over what happened: some people replay events, wonder what they could have done differently or try to repair the relationship.
- Sadness and loneliness: you may sometimes feel low, tired or withdrawn, and your sleep, appetite or concentration may suffer.
- Relief: if the relationship was unhappy or unsafe, you may feel relieved, sometimes alongside guilt or confusion.
- Fear and uncertainty: worries about money, housing, the children or the future are understandable.
- Moving forward: you may gradually find it easier to live with the separation and make plans, even if difficult feelings still return.
Speak to your GP if low mood persists, particularly for two weeks or more, affects everyday life, or feels difficult to cope with. You do not have to wait two weeks to ask for help.
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Try our Father's Rights Checker free, here on this site →Thinking about your children
Children often notice more than adults expect. They do not need shielding from every sign that you are upset, but they should not be drawn into adult arguments or made to feel responsible for how you feel. Tell them, in words suited to their age, that the separation is not their fault. Avoid using them as messengers, asking them to take sides or relying on them for comfort.
Where it is safe, working through your own emotions can make it easier to talk calmly with your ex about arrangements. If face to face conversations are difficult, writing things down can help keep them focused, and our Letter Builder can help you set out your points. It is not legal advice. If contact with your ex is unsafe, abusive or restricted by a court order, get specialist advice before contacting them, rather than communicating directly or attending joint counselling.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
Looking after yourself
Recovery has no set timescale, and everyday tasks can feel harder than usual. Some everyday steps may help:
- Keep to a basic routine, including regular meals and sleep where you can.
- Stay in touch with friends and family, even if you do not feel like talking much.
- Try to stay active, as even a short daily walk can lift your mood.
- Be careful with alcohol, which can make low mood and anger worse.
- Get advice before making major decisions. Do not delay urgent safety measures, court deadlines, housing problems or financial responsibilities.
Where to get support
You do not have to deal with this alone. Talking to someone outside the situation can help.
- Your GP can talk with you about your mental health and refer you for support.
- In England, adults can usually refer themselves to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression, subject to local eligibility. In Scotland and Wales, ask your GP or local NHS services. In Northern Ireland, support is provided through Health and Social Care (HSC).
- Samaritans is free and available 24 hours a day on 116 123.
- CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) offers a suicide prevention helpline and webchat for anyone who needs support. Check its website for current opening hours.
- Relate offers counselling for individuals and families. Availability and fees vary by area, and in Scotland, Relationships Scotland provides similar services.
- Families Need Fathers offers information and peer support for separated parents, with a particular focus on fathers.
If you have seriously harmed yourself, taken an overdose, or cannot keep yourself or someone else safe, call 999 or go to A&E. If you need urgent mental health support but there is no immediate danger, call NHS 111 in England or Wales, NHS 24 on 111 in Scotland, or contact your GP or out of hours service in Northern Ireland.
Family law differs across the UK. For practical matters such as child arrangements and finances, see GOV.UK for England and Wales, mygov.scot for Scotland and nidirect for Northern Ireland.
Can this be rectified?
Unfortunately these ridiculous feelings have destroyed what was a great relationship with a beautiful woman in the past. Now, I have found someone new, and I know I need to shake these feelings in order to develop a healthy relationship with the new woman.
I don't understand why I still have these dreams.
Lockdown really killed our relationship, she says the spark is gone and she’s unwilling to seek counselling or try to make things work.
Anyone been through relocation cases- I hear they’re very costly (100-200k) and I’d like to know what chance I stand of stopping her from moving to Germany?!
I've been with my wife 13 years, I'm 41 she's 30, we've had some rough patches, however things have been very good for a couple of years. Suddenly she announced she wanted to separate (jumped into bed with a guy 3 weeks later), 3 months on she's got her own place, we have the kids 50/50. She's started dating and sleeping with a new guy and says she doesn't think we will ever get back together. I'm in bits shes my whole world, I can't stop my feelings, do I continue to fight and show her I love her and keep trying to talk some sense into her in the hope she realises what she's left behind or am I being an idiot, I'm in turmoil, I've just been signed off with depression.
I started from anger, grief, and forced myself to be strong, not to reaching out with wife but deep down I believe one day we will get back together as a family, I still believe that.
In the early years, I was trying to keep in touch but keep it very brief, I used to see them once a week between 2009 to 2016. as I tried to give myself some self-respect, also I have work commitments. Things got worse I just went to see them once every 2 weeks 3 years ago and now less than once a month or even longer.
They'd never called me, wife doesn't always answer my calls these days. My kids never answer my calls, dont even read my text messages. Talking to them become very difficult or I would say we have nothing to talk about. It's heart breaking. I got very emotional. I feel sad, the loneliness is unbearable from time to time especially at night. I blame myself, as I can't move on and they seem to be happy without me.
If I don't call them from now on. That's it. I won't see my kids anymore.
How have you guys dealing with your emotions? Thanks for reading.
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