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Coping with Life as a Separated Dad

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Coping with Life as a Separated Dad

No father wants to be away from his children, but if you find yourself in this situation, there are certain things you can do to ensure that you have a great time with your children when you do see them. Breaking up with your partner is always painful, and more so if there are children involved.

As you navigate this challenging period, it's important to understand your legal position as a father, so consider using our free Rights Checker.

Even if you only see your children every other weekend, you are still a very important part of their life. It is vitally important to ensure that you try to make peace, if just for the sake of your children, with your children’s mother. Although this may at times seem like an uphill struggle, the hard work it requires is far outweighed by the benefits to both you and your children.

Handovers

Inevitably as a separated dad, you will come into contact with your children's mother. Try to make the handover times as stress-free as possible. If you can, ensure that you don’t express any anger. This flares up the situation and your children may start to play up. If Your Ex Has A New Partner, he is likely to be tense as well, and in such circumstances it is easy to see how situations can get out of hand.

When it’s time to say goodbye, tell your children you love them and give them a hug. Ensure that you tell them when you are going to see them next and, at all times, try to be strong for the sake of your children. Remember, no matter how hurt, angry or bitter you may feel, you are the adult and they are the children!

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Parental Alienation Checker

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Time Out

When you haven’t seen your children for a while, it may be tempting to plan a huge weekend full of exhausting activities for them. That’s not necessarily what they need from you as a father. Try, if you can, to balance fun and exciting activities with quiet time for you and your children. Reading a book with them, playing a board game, or just listening to them are all good ways to show them that you care without spending a fortune. (For more information, read our article Making The Most of Your Time With Your Child.)

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

Keeping in Touch

When you’re not with your children, it’s really important to keep in touch with them by phone, text and email – or whatever way you can. If your children know you are around, thinking of them, you are reinforcing in their mind that you are there for them. They should know that you are always around to talk to them if they need you.

Discipline

If you only see your children twice a month, try not to be too much of a disciplinarian. While this doesn’t mean allowing them to run riot and create total havoc for two days, it does mean that they should come away with happy memories of the time you have spent with them. You may feel that you need to enforce authority and stick to rules, but remember that your kids have been hurt in the process of separation, too. Talk to their mother and agree certain rules, which you can use flexibly, so that your children have some continuity and know the difference between what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong.’

The Next Step

Parental Alienation Checker

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Parental Alienation Checker lets you check for signs of parental alienation and get guidance on next steps. Takes 2 minutes. Try it now →

Would you like a family law solicitor or mediator to contact you? Get help →

Tell us a little about your situation and we will try to match you with someone who can help. It is free to ask and you are under no obligation.

If anyone is in danger, call 999 now. This form is not for emergencies.

113 questions
Ask Separated Dads a Question
Bobby 05/07/2022 at 6:39 pm
I see my son A lot but it takes so much energy to deal with his mom I'm literally breaking down
Terranaught 16/03/2022 at 3:46 pm
Life can be difficult during and after separation, especially with kids.

Not being able to see children can feel life shattering. Many days will be filled with negative thoughts. Do not dwell on these thoughts, instead read about dealing with them, and live life well.

It these times it is important to focus on self help and improving your life. Money is nothing compared to the lives of your children and their happiness. Your happiness is secondary to that of your children.

Separation can be a wake up call to become a better person. Show the courts, your ex, and your children you have what it takes to be the best person you can be. That is the best “revenge”, to show how strong you can be for your children. It is all a test of strength and determination really.
Sean 05/10/2021 at 7:05 pm
I lost all reason, I was angry and I couldn't be civil.

I could see people where limiting and restricting my access to my son. I didn't know how to deal with the emotions that came with that.

In hind sight I think I should of just agreed, nodded and accepted that. I should of trusted the person who just shattered my heart in to pieces.

I wish I had God, to prey to. I would of begged him for the strength to deal with the negative thoughts.

It's hard to believe the person who trampled all over my heart. How was I suppose to belive that they where going to stick to there word.

Could God give me the strength?

In my vision, two minutes late was a argument. Travelling fifteen miles on the bus in the rain to see my child... yes I was ridiculed and the courts and social services revelled in my dimize.

It grew, the bitterness and temper, I couldn't prove what I was seeing. When I cried out loud expelling all that anguish. They had no concern about the situation just my sons welfare.

They allowed him to baby sit by drug addicts and dealers, there grandmother was a Probation Officer and the whole family where highly respected.

Week by week I seen less of my son. My anguish grew and the temper with it. My human rights to a private family life had been abused.

It's a vicious circle. The abuser can be the victim. The victim can also be abuser. I was angry at the whole situation and my life crumbled even more.

I'm dieing inside my body is failing i can feel it. My teeth that I look after are hurting and chipping. My chest feels tight it's hard to breath some times. I'm scared.

I was an abuser who got abused. My mind argued with it self and with any one who wanted to tell me that 2 minutes late was a issue.

If any of you find your self in a situation where the other is disgruntled about 2 minutes late, remember they are pushing your button and they want you to react. It's a difficult situation because they think yiur deliberately doing it on purpose.

Both parties are naturally unreasonable. You'll find that the male gendre is less likely to be sympathised with. There is a lack of empathy towards me in the social system.

My ex wouldn't even agree on tolerance of time. It was a zero tolerance situation. There was no list of what was not tolerated, I had to learn the hard way. Every day a new term and condition appeared and yes it pushed my buttons. It was one way. There way. It pushed my buttons.

I wish life was easy. Its difficult I wish I wasn't born. The only thing that gets me through it is distraction. And I'm not easily distracted. when I'm dwelling on it. Ruminating on it or scowering the Internet pleaded for help. Or when it takes me hours to right it or speak time and time again to different people .... it never drops.

I
Joel 06/08/2021 at 7:57 pm
I'm 19 and experience what everyone's saying. I see my son 10 hours per week and this is not enough. I can't yet fully provide due to work etc but eventually I will kill myself, 100%.
Tommy 05/06/2021 at 3:00 pm
I’ve been broken up from my ex for about 7 months or so now .. I still find it really difficult to let go .. specially when on the weekends I have out 2 sons and I know she is out parting with her friend.. I can’t help but ask if she has done anything with anyone .. she asks me all the time but when I asked her she gets really aggressive with me and doesn’t want to know me.. I’ve been struggling so much with the break up.. been on anti depressants .. 4 months of therapy .. tried to kill myself twice but was stopped .. I’m back to being that low again an I dnt think I can carry on any longer .. I’m miserable even when I have my boys and that’s not good for them .. they deserve better than me.. if there is a pain free way I can go... please someone tell me.. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up .. I dnt wna feel the pain of what’s she doing any more my sons derserve a better man than me ..
Tyler 20/03/2021 at 7:54 am
May the baby momma left with the kids i have two daughters with her. She got a injunction on me for domestic violence with kids involved i never hit the lady or nothing . The day before we had the falling out she said idk if i should go to work i think your going to take the kids and never come back or let me see them.....well thats what she been doing since may 2020. Her whole family hates me she wont let noone from my family know where the kids are if they are ok. I cant even get a job. Something comes over me and i start crying like a baby. I tried suicide but i couldnt do it.i hope everyday as i ride my bike down the side of the road that someone might hit me . I hate my life and dont want anything in life anymore. I cant have friends, i dont trust no one and all i wanna do is die. At least the girls wwould get death benifitz. Im sorry lilly and ava i love yall so much
Everest 28/12/2020 at 12:35 pm
I've split from wife,moved out 2 years ago her call, I don't have a problem with getting access to kids which is great on other hand,I don't get a minute to myself she wants me up taking care of kids every evening n weekend at her place, she can be very difficult deal with and never sees my point of view,when I get stressed about it all she says I wanna go sort myself out, with what time I ask?? I give her half wages every month to which she tells me she is one keeping roof over there head,I basically have the kids when there awake and she looks after them after I have them tucked up in bed asleep, I exhausted trying to deal with her on daily basis,wish I could afford my own place to take kids half week and she does other half
Jo 24/11/2020 at 10:46 am
My ex and I had a baby. I couldn’t take care of them at the given time...2.5 years later with contact with the mother. I got to see my daughter grow but the goal was to be able to tc of them. Even flew and saw them spent time with them but due to Covid it was difficult. I wanted to spend quality time to get to know each other again. We slept together and things were looking more positive and then I had to leave the country but I told them I’d take them with me so we can start a new life I’d look out for them. Fast forward 2 months since I left she’s seeing someone else and now I just fear I have lost my daughter...what is a life with just talking through a phone or video call being miles away. I have lost a part of me. I am destroyed mentally and emotionally.
Honey bun 28/10/2020 at 8:20 pm
My step son got married a few years ago and has two beautiful kids. We have rarely seen them in years. That's not the problem.
He's recently separated after a few years and it's clear, he's hasn't been coping with fatherhood for some time and he either won't ask for help or ask us even.
He loves his kids but it's clear he's feeling overwhelmed by them?
We're really worried about his sanity and wonder if he's close to a breakdown?
Wayne1981 13/10/2020 at 11:33 am
Hello,
I am struggling right now, basically me and the wife split up in Feb and I was having the kids every other weekend but in May contact was stopped and she took out a Non Molestation order for her so I cant contact her or go within 100m of the house, I don't know how she got this, I haven't spoke to my kids since May and I'm struggling, any advice please?
robdowning 30/09/2020 at 10:22 pm
When it comes to relationships, I'm fond of saying, “You never really know what goes on between people.” People who really enjoy each other. Respect and support one another. In these families, the parents put their relationship before the kids. They are the dynamic centriforce around which the family's life orbits. And everyone thrives as a result. In cases like this, spending the quality time as a family is the most important factor for success. If we're doing something together, even for an hour a day, our kids are more than happy. If you don't know what to do and what is the perfect togetherness activity, start to play chess with your kid. Regardless of the child’s age, chess develops concentration, increases patience and positively affects the intellectual and emotional development of the child. One thing your child will appreciate most is that playing chess is also great fun. The rules of chess are very simple and children can learn them already from around the age of three. Not everyone can or wants to become a professional chess player but everyone can use chess for learning. For this purpous I can recommend a book (net-bossorg/chess-puzzles-for-kids-by-maksim-aksanov) with bunch of great exercises, which will help you and your kids to be better in this :)
dresden 26/09/2020 at 6:33 am
I'm in a slightly different situation. I'm a uncle who was a stand in father for my niece and nephew for over 5 years as the only male role model around. My sister reconciled with he ex husband, and they generally ignore the kids.

I made it a point to listen to the kids when they were excited about stuff and play with them when they had no friends around, but I also had to make and enforce rules and boundaries. They are in the age range where they get wired for who they will be in the future and being treated like a nuisance will only lead to bad decisions in adulthood.

I try to be around for the kids as much as possible, but I cant help but feel bad that the kids are being treated like they don't matter anymore, and it frankly tears me up to see it.
Scott Wilson 08/09/2020 at 8:23 am
I havnt seen my kids for 5 years

My fUghter is now almost 19 and my son 17

I dont know them and they dont kniw me
James 07/09/2020 at 6:35 pm
After 4.5 years having to deal with hundreds of false allegations from my ex, I've given up all hope and walked away from it all. My son was taken into care just before christmas 2019. He's still in care now. I've done nothing wrong at all. No charges brought against me, not even a fact finding hearing. My 10 year old son loves me very much indeed. However, after 9 months of being in care and the social services vilifying me at every opportunity and treating me like the worst sort of scum imagineable, my son has turned against me and doesn't want to see me any more. The social services, CAFCASS, the judiciary, the police, my son's school, all have inexplicably taken up a position against me and I can see no way through it. I've completely withdrawn from the proceedings and now I'm utterly heartbroken.
Ginge 06/09/2020 at 4:07 am
Neither one of us intended to be a single parent. Nobody does. It’s not been easy. In fact it’s been an outright struggle. I’m fully aware that each and every situation is unique and therefore I will be brief in explaining how I found success co-parenting.
1) dating someone else only adds complexity
2) financial support is crucial
3) daily contact is a must
4) always show unity I the face of adversity
5) share your hobbies

I’m far from a perfect father but I’ve seen a few things that my mates go through n I feel it could be simplified if they just made an extended effort to get along with the mum.
Your child will never be happier than having both parents at the same time. Bury the differences and move forward together.

Best of luck ??
LittleKing 30/08/2020 at 2:13 pm
I have had enough myself of the inability to stop the other parent from ignoring covid-19 safety advice. The children are not able to help themselves. My child was aware of being at a party that was not supposed to occur and was powerless to help himself. Since confiding in me it has also been unfruitful. Services in my area did not find themselves needed to be involved though thought it was not right. There is no sufficient power to help stop the harm potential with covid-19. Mentally all can be very flustration and confusing. In the question of evidence of such things. It is difficult to obtain as the child is out of your care also. Your child's word is not powerful enough when only spoken to you also.
Record everything! Date, time, location, who, action, taken, outcome of action.

Unfortunately a parent upto no good and not putting the child first is difficult to pin down. I wish you patience, luck and God's blessing in your struggle.
Smith 25/06/2020 at 11:16 pm
I need advice I’m trying so hard to be nice to my ex we been broken up a months now but things keep happening. where we have to contact each other but she always with her new boyfriend she adamant that they have only started talking but they were meeting just before we split. Am I right to be jealous or am I being pathetic. It just hurts so much seeing her with someone else so soon and she keeps lying. Also since we broke up we haven’t been in a good place and she decided to text me saying I think I have COVID-19 so I had the children and said why she said she had some symptoms. So I told her she couldn’t have the boys for 14 day and need to isolate I believed if she had it was her own faulty as she was breaking rules going out with him and a few other mates until 1 in the morning leaving me at home with the kids to do everything. When I told her she couldn’t have the children for 14 days she turned around and said I was joking. Bearing in mind we wasn’t in a place for joking and that even though it not a laughing matter. So I ask her if she wanted the children back to isolate for 14 or get a home test she done the home test yesterday but she still not following any rules. I have been told I’m being stupid I believe I’m doing right by my kids can someone be honest with me and tell me if I’m stupid or doing the right thing please.
trix 22/06/2020 at 5:58 am
I need some advice please. I have been alienated from my daughter since she was 13 and her dad& his mom did everything possible to separate us. They started brainwashing her very early on. They changed her phone # at 12 told her not to give it to me. They played tons of hurtful mind games between us. I don't know what her # is or if she is ok. It's like having a child you know is alive but feels like there gone forever. [ Like a death] If anyone knows how to find your child or a phone # to try & work on your relationship please tell me. I am desperate. I cry almost daily. Haven't seen or spoken in 8 years. Thank you, Trisha
bazza 14/06/2020 at 3:19 pm
iv bin Separated from my wife 2 months now she like me to move out during lockdown it was the hardest thing iv ever done 14 years is a long to just go from with my 4 kids to nothing I find it hard I keep phoning her i know I should not and I have to let go my kids are my world in alway want to be in there lifes as a good dad my head is all over the place and sometimes I wish I was not even here any more but it not about me it about my 4 kids they still need me so I will try and stop calling her unless it about the kids keep away from her it going to be hard i know it like given up smoking hard to let go but in time it will happen take one day at a time and who kick people out of lockdown not right hate this year already
Dave 25/02/2020 at 10:35 am
I’m in the middle of a separation from my partner, still very new and very raw. We have a 2 year old together and she has 2 kids from previous who are 6&9. We always done everything as a family, I have an excellent bond with the 2 kids who aren’t mine and an unbreakable one with our 2 year old. We broke up begging of January, I moved out, watched the kids every night whilst she worked and then left, mostly taking our 2 year old to sleep with me as she wanted me too & also myself and him did too. I’d drop him back in the mornings before work & it went on like that. Anyway, I started staying over again near the end of January up until last Friday where after a good week & a good day shopping she decided she hated me and phoned the police. I’ve had no contact with her since, I’ve asked to see the kids and she’s point blank refused. She has an appointment next week with her solicitor to draw up an agreement as she said she doesn’t want to go through court which is fine because neither do I but until then she’s been advised to not let me have contact. The relationship had been rocky then fine some days her mood changing instantly. Not seeing my son or any of the kids is killing me. I’ve asked for 50/50 custody but had no reply yet because her solicitor is on holiday. Any advice on how to cope it try see my kids before that?
C.laurie 25/11/2019 at 3:09 am
@mikey.i don’t have time to cope with not seeing the kids .i have to deal with working on a conveyor belt for the next( 30 years on minimum wage) men I need holiday before I even start the job might take one why I still have some penny’s left .
C.laurie 25/11/2019 at 2:57 am
@mikey.like the article said coping with life as a separated dad .you try coping with my life I quit my job for no reason and only have 10 thousand pounds left in cash .the thought off working on a assembly line for the rest off my life is depressing but I have job if I want it .i think I will take it and become a slave to a conveyor belt doing the same thing for the next 30 years .
Mikey 24/11/2019 at 11:53 pm
Hi, me and my partner have been separated for a while but still live in the same house, a the minute, I have been sleeping downstairs for the last few years but my kids heard me on the phone with my ex, so then I had the unpleasant conversation with them, telling them that they haven’t done anything wrong at all, it's just that our relationship has gone as far as it can, I've told them that no one is really to blame, it's just that our relationship has run its course and is making us parents unhappy, which we don't want the kids to pick up on it too much, I know that they are not stupid and will know that something is wrong, I keep reassuring them that the only difference there will be is that I won't be livi g in the house and they will see me just as much as they do now, they seem to understand and seem fine with it but I feel like my heart has been ripped out and are struggling to see a better side of the situation, for some reason, me ending it keeps jumping into my head, I love my kids to the stars and back and wouldn't do anything like that but the idea seems more plausible, each time it pops in, I hope I'm not the only one that feels like this
Upset Adam 04/11/2019 at 2:33 pm
@jamz.hi I am Adam and I lost my eve and I can’t cope on a everyday basis because i get flash backs to when eve ate the apple .
Jamz 04/11/2019 at 12:33 am
I can relate, I type this with tears on my eyes. I have been broken since July this year, she has moved on with her life and admired after 8 years she didn’t love me. That alone has devastated me as the amount of effort I put in is bizzare. I have a 5 year old son, words can’t describe my love that I have for him. He is not allowed to stay the night with me and that’s killing me as he was use to only me putting him to sleep every night. The hardest part is actually taking him out which she does allow me to do however it’s the saying goodbye that eats up inside me every time. I feel loss can’t cope on an everyday basis. I love you Adam and I always will do daddy.
MJ 27/10/2019 at 2:44 pm
So I'm not sure where I stand..almost two months ago my wife decided to leave to take baby to doctors while I was at work. She didn't come back. She took all of the baby's clothes and went to stay at her parents where she is now. On my way home from work she and her family all blocked my phone number. So I couldn't get in touch or know where my son was. Her father did pick up eventually pretending he doesn't know anything. Anyway she is still there posting pics of my son online constantly.
C.laurie 23/10/2019 at 3:56 pm
@mick.i know the feeling mate when your child refuse to talk to you and you been kept away with police orders and on top it find out some home truths .the courts is your only option mate you if want contact with your children .
Mick 23/10/2019 at 10:55 am
Hi, my ex boyfriend now has not seen his twin boys for a number of months. They refuse to see him and he feels really low. This has been one of the causes of us breaking up as he would take things out on me when he received an email from his ex and the whole day would be spoilt. Reading the messages on here has made me fully realise his pain. It breaks my heart for all of you. I am lucky. Although, I divorced my husband I had a lot of contact with my teenage kids. I wish I could continue to help him but it is not to be
J 20/10/2019 at 12:47 am
Hi, I've recently separated from my partner after I woke up from a night shift for her to tell me she doesn't love me anymore, I have a 3 year old and not even a 3 month old we were engaged to be married.
Straight away my instincts from being through a separation from a child put me straight into my kids shoes and I needed to ensure we had structure for them and we have a plan between us so I have the kids 2 nights a week and I pay child maintenance since the get go as this has gone on for about 3 weeks now.
She has been to see a doctor and bluntly said that she doesn't have post natal depression and handed her a leaflet and I really do not trust the doctors we see as they can have oversight.
We argued at times but it was never that serious I just don't understand and I'm so lost!
I've tried getting her back and it just makes things worse but then there are days where we went places and we acted as if nothing had changed between us.

I really don't get it!
Moontheloon 19/10/2019 at 5:17 am
@hartim.i think he will be fine and not to worry.he will find he’s( feet again) we (all) get knocked down ,hurt have the feeling off been defeated .but in the end he will ding he’s feet again.
Hartim 19/10/2019 at 3:08 am
Hello! it’s heartbreaking to read all these posts and comments. I am sorry that you are going through hard times too.

I’ll try and keep this short.

my brother has just began the process of a divorce. He absolutely adores his 4yo daughter. The wife cheated on him with a work colleague which is devastating to say the least. He is truly heart broken and has mention “giving up” and “can’t cope”

with a high rate of suicide in men you can see my concern. He is so crushed that he won’t be the family man he loves to be. Being that family is/was everything to him.

So I need some advice on how to help him though this. Or is there any light I can shine on him to make him see a brighter future than the one he currently sees?

He also works in the army far away from our parents and other relatives. He is also having to move back into the army barracks on his own which I’m scared will make him feel even more lonely.

really need help and fast!

thank you

Harriet x
reggie 18/10/2019 at 9:05 pm
@perkins.d.after reading your story it hit home not for me but for my brother Ronnie .now we are twin brothers we do [everything together] and yes my brother ron has been in a a few hospitals for the [criminally insane] he can be a weird fellow at times but one thing i know about my brother is he loves he's daughter .and[ god help] anyone who hurts he's daughter[ seriously ].my brother planned to[ kidnap] he's own daughter gods truth . because he thinks her mother is a disgusting parasite and wants to[ kill her gods truth] .but my brother is a good father and loves he's daughter 100 percent .
G2t 14/10/2019 at 10:49 pm
I can't take this anymore, I'm a young dad who is absolutely broken by the absence of my son, he's 3 and he Is My absolute world, I can now only see him in a contact centre for 1 hour a week as I have a criminal record, I can't take this pain anymore I want to be with him every day
Gjk 17/09/2019 at 4:19 am
I’m sorry to say this but sometimes you have to fight for your kids to, I don’t mean physically I know relationships break up and you move onto others, but when another man thinks he has the right to involve himself with your biological child/ children then you have to do everything in your powers to fight,I don’t get these guys who try to be a father figure knowing their dad is still around are not right to me, they must have something missing, hmm..
So come on grow some balls as these are what made our lovely children and show them that your around for the future and aren’t going away...
Dad 17/09/2019 at 12:11 am
I have been reading the comments on here and they are heartbreaking us men have feelings to and it doesn't get easier all my children have grown up and are starting families of their own now my wife left me for my so called best friend but I didn't find that out until later my daughter was then only 1 year old my middle son was 4 and my eldest son was 10 I remember the day they was leaving and I was saying goodbye to them and yes it is soul destroying even tho I have seen them on every other weekend up until they were older and had lives of themselves I feel like I missed out on so much of their lives being a part time father and I know I can never ever get that back it's so hard to explain to someone that hasnt been through it I am 57 now and I still sometimes cry at those missed years with my children and for everyone that is going through this I wish you strength
Kieron 15/09/2019 at 7:51 pm
I see my boys every other weekend and it is literally killing me, I feel so lost and empty when there not here, it comes to sunday the day they have to go back and I'm just in a black hole. I'm so close to my boys we always have been my 6 year old tells me he misses me all the time. And he doesn't want to go back he wants to stay here with me. My 4 year old literally wont let go when I get to his mums and its heart breaking even soul destroying
I never wanted a broken home for my kids and even dragged my marriage out for a year or so just so I could see them every day. Does it get easier? Do you eventually learn to deal with this empty feeling you have? Because i haven't and it's been nearly a year now.
I just dont know what to do. Does anyone else have any advice?
Sad 05/09/2019 at 9:23 pm
How can I help my friend who is separated from his daughter. He has access to his daughter but the ex-wife is refusing to let him spend time with the child without her supervision.she says it's because she's paranoid but about what she won't say. This is taking a toil on him and most times I don't know what to say or do. How do I help him through this?
wewen 03/08/2019 at 12:56 pm
naghiwalay kami dahil nahuli qlko sya na may Iba tapos aq p Ang naging masama sa kanila binigyan ko sya Ng pagkakataon inulit nanamaman nya tumatanggi p nya samantalng binago nya Ang pangalan s phone at pinalodan pa sya Yun b Ang Wala na
Chez 01/08/2019 at 6:50 pm
I'm hoping someone could help me, my and my husband split 6 weeks ago after 14 years of being together, he has been harassing me as hes said he cant live without me and the kids in his life and has tried to commit suicide twice (both times telling me he was doing it) i have contacted the police but they were no help, hes now using the kids and only having them for an hour or 2 as says he cant cope with them for longer unless I stay with him while he has them (they are young 4,2,1, has anyone else been in this situation?
Mor 27/07/2019 at 8:18 pm
Hi, I see my son regularly but not 50/50 more 60/40 her . I have asked several times to see my son an extra night a fortnight, and offered a compromise, but I get no luck.
Been threatened with the Csa doesn’t worry Me, they just want it all there own way !!!
Despite wanting to see my son more and always making time for him I’d be a well thought of I I didn’t want to see him. Court is it ?
#rantover
becca 29/05/2019 at 3:53 pm
my question is about how do I help my boyfriend?
he gets in a bad place due to not being aloud to see his kids how do I comfort him? what do I say or do to help him?

big explanation
Hi, so I have been with my bf for a year
now. he has 2 kids with his ex but she won't let him see them and it's really hard for him coping with it.
so after we were together for a few months she 1st poped up and they seemed to have sorted it out. he got to see them twice a week. First few weeks were good but then she dragged up all the feelings she had for him saying they are still there. And then she gave him a choice of ether he sees the kids or me... the choice was hard for him but he choose his kids and I respect him fully for it. within weeks she got him back in the relationship and promised all sorts of changes that were not met and 1 month he had enough or it, we were secretly talking behind her back because we love each other a lot and he just wanted to see his kids, so he came back to me and moved back over but he hasn't been able to see them since.
he missed his sons 1st birthday and I know that hit him hard and the longer he goes not being able to see them the worse he feels.
it's worse when he is asked if he's seen them by his family or mine and he's caught in bad thoughts of how he misses them and with his eldest (5) the last time he was away for a few months she ran away from him pushing him away, the thought breaks his heart and he can't do anything.
he's also not on ether birth certificates as the relationship was a toxic one and there was constant arguments and breakups.
he wants to eventually go to court after he saves up for money for them and the court fees, he dosnt pay maintenance as he isn't being forced by child support or asked by the mother and honestly at the moment we can't afford as we are saving for our own place, so he wants to get money together for both of them so he can say he's put money aside for them and he wants to just see them.
but right now he's hurting and I don't know what to do or say to comfort him or help him he thinks he's a terrible person for not being there.
I have to admit I'm scared if she gets back in contact she will drive him away from me again but that aside I want him to be happy.
i know I'm not aloud to meet his kids ever and that bothers him a bit too but we could work round that if he got to see them but right now I need help with helping him.

what do I say to him to make him feel better or take away the dark thoughts and feelings of missing them?
fedup 04/04/2019 at 8:36 pm
Can anyone tell me what to do my son and his partner split up after a 4 year toxic relationship my son works long hours and irregular hours as he is self employed, his ex kept him sleep deprived he slept on sofa for 2 years as not allowed to disturb kids when he came in from work often after 12 hour shifts however he has had to move back in with me as he could not afford to give her the 700 a month she wants, he has the children on a Sunday Monday night and Tuesday till 4ish
the children are 18 months and 3, the issue is it was a nasty split and the ex has done the pity act even though she was malicious beyond belief and everyone has taken her side even though I have texts saying horrible things about him and the children, she has now become mother earth even though this act I am sure will slip, anyway my son after the split went and has had a few nights out not on the days he has them, but he is now getting flack for going out with his mates and playing golf, is it acceptable for him to go out on days he is not working, I am getting a lot of flack as he is going out ,is he being unreasonable, in doing this and should he not go out and should he have the kids more he has asked but she says she has made plans
Smc 11/02/2019 at 5:39 am
I’m a single Dad that has the every other weekend situation. My relationship with my two teenage girls is good. The greatest struggle I’ve been dealing with ever since the divorce is the Sunday night they go back. It’s agony on me. I’m a total emotional train wreck and have been for the past six years. I’ve tried to stay busy, stay positive, and all the common recommendations to overcome this pain. Here it is again, Sunday night, and I’m searching for something, anything that will help me stop this sadness. Am I alone on this? I’ve read some absolutely soul breaking stories that make my issue seem absurd and I try and keep those stories in mine while I try to get through my heartache. This usual emaotional battle will get better or stop by mid week and stay that way until I’m with them again. I can talk/text with them and not feel this way. Then we can go a few days between connecting with each other, no problem. The next parenting weekend comes. Then it starts all over again. If anyone can help or has the same challenge I’d sure appreciate hearing from you. Thanks for reading.
Boroughlad 16/01/2019 at 6:21 pm
Bassicly was with a girl for about 2 years had our fair share of arguments break ups what not cut a long story short she found out she was pregnant for her too leave me while she was pregnant for 6 mounths too then go back too her before the baby was born as I thought everyone deserves a second chance right . I was at the birth and was pleased that I was able too be there what not but either way 3 mounths after he was born and we had been sorting things out everythink was going fine out the blue like she didn’t want too be with me for her own reasons which was not true off accusing me off doing things when I had not so we break up and I have applied for mediation going through the process too see my son I just no if she don’t come too mediation it will more then likely go too court but it’s like he’s only three mounths old I’m unsure what too do would it be okay if I had him every over weekend just being three mounths old like I don’t no what too even ask for tbh becouse he’s still only a baby is messed up I am going through the right channels like I say but I don’t no if it’s right too have my own baby over night just really don’t no No what too do I only want too see him for a few hours i this every over weekend becouse I just don’t think it’s fair for my baby boy too be without his mother for 2 days stuck in what too do in that sense too be honest
Chris 02/12/2018 at 1:57 pm
Am a new dad my partner and i have separated and we have a baby boy only a couple months old and we had been arguing loads and she couldn't cope and she has stopped me going to pick him up she going to bring him to me
She recently had an implant put in so am confused I love my boy so so so much hurts not seeing him
SeparatedDads Editor 15/06/2018 at 3:25 pm
Not all cases go in the way you say, there are many variants. In many cases parents agree between themselves about access arrangements. I am sorry that you seem to have had a rough ride of it personally. We always advise non-resident parents not to try to deal with issues themselves (as non-molestation orders can obviously cause access problems). We encourage our readers to try to gain access through the courts. As painful as it can be - it is the legal route. For this, we at Separated Dads are here to try to help and offer a comprehensive series of pages that aim to give useful advice across the board. For people who are struggling with access or other related issues, our Separated Dads forum (run by volunteers) is aimed at helping non-resident parents to negotiate the trickier matters. This site is not about being an 'advert' - it is about helping dads through a tough time in a way that is easily identifiable and accessible to all.
Bob Stevens 15/06/2018 at 10:20 am
You haven't mentioned the problems caused by a wife obtaining an unjustifiable non-molestation order ex-parte, the subsequent introduction of Cafcass, the 8 months it can take to get to court to decide visitation/custody, and the problems of parental alienation that most men experience as their wives try to cut them out of their children's lives. And of course, once a non-molestation order is granted, it also gives unlimited legal aid to the wife for the whole process. Meanwhile, the husband gets no legal aid, and if he wants to fight for his kids, he has to pay for it himself. Don't bother suggesting any of the "free" help a man can get, they are a total waste of time and more often than not cause more problems than not. Your article appears to be more of an advert. Perhaps in future you can address all aspects of a subject, rather than type it up wearing rose tinted spectacles.
SeparatedDads Editor 14/06/2018 at 12:52 pm
This is considered a standard access arrangement, generally administered by the courts. As a rule, the court will not force a parent to have their child more than the parent is willing. Please keep us informed of the outcome of your case.
Feeda 12/06/2018 at 9:31 pm
Would you say having my children every other weekend friday till sunday and every Tuesday overnight was reasonable access ? Court is looming and my ex partner feels I should be doing more although I'm a production manager and work 10 hour days (minimum )and 2 weekends of every month. I've been denied access now since January this year and have not seen my little boy and girl at all since then I'm desperate and heartbroken to say the least ...Any advice will be gladly taken on board ??
Maverick 03/06/2018 at 4:47 am
Hi all, thank you for sharing your stories. I am a desperate father and am dying for any advice you could have. Have a 22 year old son living with me, his on mother broke off contact with him 2 years ago. Now he’s dealing with it and keeps saying I’m The best dad in the world and he will never leave me.
Last year I met someone believing in a new furure. I never ever dreamed she would get pregnant so fast and on may 17th 2018 my daughter Lily was born.
We stoppes seeing each other in decmber 2017 and she refused me any updates about my baby. I forgot to mention that having a baby girl was my biggest wish ever.
Between december and her birth I was diagnozed with MS, and brain tumors. Combined with severe depression and adhd. Not really ideal...and every day is a struggle looking for any reason the fight which I don’t see anymore.
My life force was my baby girl...now the mother is so cold, actually since she found out she was pregnant she became hostile towards me and only after being cnvinced by her own friends and family she sent me a message a week after the birth, very obligatory teks and a picture.
If I could I would take her here and spend every second I can with her. Unfortunately her mother lives 18o km away, i am on welfare, because of my medical condition, she is constantly referring to Lilly as her daughter...basically everything she says shatters my heart. I would kill and die for my childeren but a daughter to a father is sacred. My doctors advise me to stay away, let her grow a bit before stepping into her life, and then let my daugher see and chose for herself. I will of corse be made out to be the boogey man in her family.
As a father (oversensitive) not knowing how long i will be around?? What do I do...my doctors advise me to stay away to have a chanc to survive, but my heart cries out my baby’s name 24/7
This is the short version...I am litterally begging for advice on what toso and say to the mother..i know one day lily will find me but knowing my angel is so close and ai can’t hold her is dastroyng me... please help his loving father figure this out??????
Supposed to see her tuesday but only at 9 am for a brief moment.
I just want her with me very other weekend or something...
I love her to death...please help me..
Greg Editor 15/05/2018 at 11:14 am
@KMar - explaining to them with kindness why you do the things you do is the best way. Hopefully somewhere down the line they will realise.
KMar 14/05/2018 at 1:52 pm
My partner, Chris and his ex-wife, lets call her Sarah, split up over 3 years ago. They have a 6 year old girl and an 11 year old boy and my partner and I have them every 2nd weekend. It use to be more often but Sarah moved out of the city.

Chris is really struggling with the situation as he feels that they are slipping away from him. Unfortunately Sarah does not discipline them and allows them to eat whatever they want, whenever they want, which means that when they come to us we look like the bad ones as we say no and it is turning out to be a constant battle. When they are with us we try to do fun things with them as Sarah doesn't spend time with them but this can also be challenging, as with Sarah they have their own rooms, all the toys a child could want, including a games console and when they are with us, they share a room and have some toys but not loads and no games consoles.

As a part time parent, it would be nicer for Chris to be able to spoil them (to an extent) but we feel that if we do this they will get absolutely no discipline whatsoever. Chris's son has poor manners and an unrealistic belief of entitlement ('why won't you get me a games console', 'why won't you take me abroad' etc). I wonder if anyone has advice on how to handle this?
Gacal 10/05/2018 at 1:36 am
I have separated from my wife for theblastb3 months.but her and her family have refused me access to my 4 sons and when I ask I am told I need to ask my brother inlaw for permission to see my children on top of that my ex wife doesn't want to contact me directly about my children and I really hate her family and asking for permission to see my children is that the law in T the uk
SeparatedDads Editor 27/04/2018 at 3:18 pm
Only you can decide what to do in such a situation. Obviously, you are sympathetic to your partner's situation and the fact he has difficulties to be a good dad to his son and deal with an ex who is putting obstacles in his way. To be separated from your child, can be emotionally crucifying for some parents, especially if the child is being brought up in a different country. All you can do is to communicate with your partner and try to support him, but at the same time not accept his behaviour if he tries to take out his frustrations on you. Ultimately, if the relationship turns into an unhappy one because of the situation, then removing yourself from the dynamic may be your best option. You don't have to end the relationship, but you also deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Communication is always the key and if you can keep doing that, it is half the battle.
Lucylu 25/04/2018 at 11:34 pm
Hi I was hoping for some advise.
My partner divorced from his wife nearly 3 years ago and with that left his 6 year old son with his mother. They then left the country leavin my partner separated from his children for many months until he is able to travel back to see him. His mother had been reluctant to bring his son over to see his dad so it can be many months before they see each other. They talk on the phone every night and he does he’s upmost best to be a great father and I don’t doubt that he is.

Recently he’s struggled though, his ex wife is difficult to communicate with - give her an inch and she will try and take a mile causing conflict and drama between myself and my partner. I try my hardest to be patient and fully understanding and compassionate towards my partner and the relationship he craves with his son however upon recent times it’s starting to tear our relationship to shreds sand every difficulty from his ex is usually taken out on me.

My partner goes in cycles of trying to do the best for ultimately his son but also myself. I am a firm believer that his son will always come first and I follow second however I am starting to feel massively that he is struggling to get a balance and would be happier if we separated and he could continue to father his son, still with the stresses and pressures from his ex but perhaps with the worries of me his partner. I’m finding myself between a rock and a hard place and I don’t really know what to do so I was seeking some advice from people in a similar situation a him as to how you would possibly deal with the situation and battle juggling a son, toxic ex wife and partner.
Hope you can give me a little advice.
Thanks in advance.
SiB Editor 23/04/2018 at 3:31 pm
@Dallen - sorry to hear this mate. It will get better as they get older. I felt exactly the same as you when my kids were near enough that age when me and my ex split. Now they are 15 and 12 and we have a good relationship but I have also come to value my personal space. The key is to get a full life outside your kids so your mind is kept busy. The worst thing you can do is dwell on stuff. I hope it improves for you.
Dallen 23/04/2018 at 7:26 am
I’m a separated father of two. A six year old boy and four year old little girl. It’s been 2 1/2 years and I can tell you it isn’t getting easier at all. I literally want to die. I took them back tonight and here it is 2:25 am and I can’t stop crying.......... I just can’t take the pain anymore .......
GaryV Editor 17/04/2018 at 3:10 pm
@Alii - I really feel for you and know completely where you are coming from. As much as I look forward to having my son for a Sunday every other week I also dread it because as soon as he comes I know I'll have to part with him again and he'll start crying. It is so cruel I don't know how mothers can stand by and watch their kids getting so upset. Hearts of stone.
Alii 17/04/2018 at 11:34 am
My son :( I rarely get to spend time with my son I had him for the weekend and he just left back to arizona my heart is ripping apart right now. Every time that moment he has to go back home, drives me insane.
I can never get used to parting ways with my only child. It's not fair he tells me all the time he rather be with me,that he'd rather stay with me. When we say our goodbyes is like tearing my heart out of my chest. I can see it on his face now his tears dripping down his eyes Every time he has to leave. I pray that no man should ever suffer and feel this pain that I have now.
Thank you for your time.
SiU Editor 12/02/2018 at 3:55 pm
@Markus - that's really sad and I hope in time you get the rewards back. My friend had to wait until his son was 18. His ex moved to Greece and he had to do the trips and many times she would deliberately turn up late or make an excuse that his son could see him as he was ill. But he perservered and what do you know, a year ago his son came to live with him. It might feel like a life of lost years, but it can be repaired very quickly. He's having a great time with his son now catching up on all that lost time, and now it is the mother who is suffering. I know that it doesn't turn out like this all the time, but I hope it can give you hope. Your dad is always your dad no matter what. Keep hoping. Simon.
markus 11/03/2018 at 7:04 pm
Thanks for your reply Simon, much appreciated, I hope some day I can get to see my kids alot more. I don't think their mother genuinely cares how often I see them or that it deeply effects me. I am stuck now wondering what to do. My kids are off school for a week at the start of April and I have asked their mum if I can bring them from England to Northern Ireland were I am from for a week. She doesn't have a problem bringing them however she says she hasn't got the money to pay for the flight across. I have said I will pay for the two kids here and for me to take them back, she also doesn't have the money for her flight either she says if that is genuinely true it looks like I have to pay for her flight there and back aswell. Costs alot of money but if it is the only way I can see my children consecutively for a week then it's what I will have to do. She is adamant she cannot contribute to the flights whatsoever. I could have went over as I usually do but she seems like she's pushing for me to have them for the week. I have since found out she is swanning off to the lake district with her new partner around the same time so would make sense why she's pushing the idea that I take the children. I love my children more than life itself I just feel their mother makes a complete mug out of me and their is nothing I can do about it.
Nizmo24 28/10/2017 at 4:27 pm
Hi I split with my ex when my son was 1 year old, I used to be able to see him every weekend for about 8months afterwards. She has recently moved on and is now pregnant with her new partner. Since moving on she hasn’t allowed me to have any contact with my son and has refused medication. I have recently spoken to a solicitor but I can’t afgord my bills aswell as solicitor fees to get access to him. Is there anything else you can suggest that is more affordable as she has already refused mediation
SeparatedDads Editor 03/10/2017 at 2:05 pm
I am sorry to hear this. It is never easy when you first break up with your partner. I can only suggest joining our Separated Dads forum, so you can get some help and support from other dads who have been through the same issues.
Ljhomer 29/09/2017 at 11:09 am
I recently split from partner she will never stop me seeing my son but to being with home everyday to not is breaking my heart I feel like I'm letting him down I don't no how too cope !!!
SeparatedDads Editor 26/09/2017 at 2:35 pm
I am sorry to hear this. You can apply for a C4 form - which is an application for an order for disclosure of a child’s whereabouts. This will allow the courts to put a trace on your child so you can bring the matter to court. A tracing agency can also do this, you may wish to compare costs.
James 23/09/2017 at 3:56 pm
Hello. I am going through court for access with my daughter. Her Mother is. It responding to any of my contact methods. I have sent off and paid for a C100 form but it has been returned staying that she has moved and I need to give them her new address. As contacted has completely stopped, how can I find her new address to get legal proceedings started..?

Kindest regards
SeparatedDads Editor 19/09/2017 at 1:57 pm
I am sorry to hear this. Much may be to do with the age of your son. Seventeen is a tricky age and an age where children are (in general) wanting to branch out from their parents and find their own way in life. Children at this age, regardless, can be very selfish, unemotional and uncaring. If you had still been in a family-based relationship, your son's distance may have been the same, but at least you would have been able to discuss this and the ways around it with his mother, as it is you are having to deal with it on your own. As in all situations where there has been a disagreement, it is best to talk. It's a shame you have fallen out with your ex where such an amicable relationship existed. However, was stopping your son's child maintenance the correct response? By law, you should pay child maintenance to your son regardless of the relationship you have with his mother. Of course, your son is the person who must have also been caught up in the middle of this dispute and perhaps cannot articulate how he feels. Trying to get your relationship back on track with your son is the most important thing - but you may have to wait until he has gone through whatever stage he is going through first. However, the foundations you have built towards making his life a happy one so far are unlikely to be affected long term. You just have to continue to be there for him when he needs. Until then, trying to take your own mind off it by making your life a busy one may help. At least for the time being it'll stop you analysing and worrying about it so much while you are trying to rebuild the bridges. Not blaming his mother will also help, as he's then bound to feel pushed into taking sides.
SeparatedDads Editor 15/05/2017 at 11:39 am
Communication is the best way around this. It may just be that he misses him mum or is going through a stage of insecurity for some reason. The best thing is to ask his mother to try to find out the reasons why (he should be able to explain at age five) as then you can work with them. It can be something incredibly simple. On a personal note, as a kid I always loved staying overnight with my aunt and uncle until they mentioned that next time I came as a treat they would give me chocolate rice pudding for dessert, I never stayed again as I loathed rice pudding. They must have felt incredibly rejected as I don't think I ever explained the reasons why - but if you're a bit of a sensitive child, anything can tip the balance. We hope it gets back to normal soon.
Margie 14/05/2017 at 11:42 am
Hi
We have a very upsetting problem with our 5 and a half year old grandson. He is our son's son from a relationship that ended when the boy was just 6 months old. We are on good terms generally with the boys mother who had a daughter just 18 months after the split, but has since married the father of her after a stormy relationship. They seem very happy and settled now and her husband is a great step-dad to our grandson.
Since the split, my son has regularly had his son (twice a week) and we have tried to keep the routine the same. He comes here with him as his own home is shared with other adults and my son works shifts so these sometimes clash with the routine. He has his own bedroom and loads of toys etc. here..........it's his 2nd home as we call it! My son or myself pick him up from their house and if he has school the next day, we drop him there. At the weekends, he stays two nights one weekend and one night the next.

Over the last 2 weeks our grandson has suddenly stopped wanting to come here to the point of screaming and lashing out if we try and make him (which we did once while mum waited outside in the car!) His mum and step dad have been brilliant in trying to persuade him to come .......trying everything possible, so I am convinced the problem does not lie with them.
At Easter my son took him away to his girlfriends family who he has met before and he was a model child. Three weeks ago, his grandad and me took him away in our campervan for the weekend and he had a fantastic time, playing with other children and becoming a bit feral!
It's just so out of character, that we really don't know how to handle it as we hate seeing him upset and don't want his memories of this place to be bad ones. Do we just wait and hope it's a phase??
Any advice would be appreciated as it is so upsetting for all of us

He says he does not want to stay here ever and it's really upsetting for all of us..especially my son.
Jem Editor 12/05/2017 at 12:42 pm
@BC - hopefully in time they will come to realise. Kids can only be manipulated for so long - but as they mature they form their own opinions about the split. Happened to me with my two. Got in touch again when they were teenagers and we've taken in from there. It was a long wait - but worth it to see my ex's face when she could no longer control the way my kids thought.
Cisummai 25/01/2017 at 12:01 am
Hi. THE LORD bless you and keep you. I have 2 children a girl and a boy 11 and 9 years old. I havent seen them in years since 2010. I need help to locate then in atlanta. What to do?
Dan 04/01/2017 at 8:40 pm
I feel sooo lost and despereate .. im divorced now and been seperated for 18 months .. but we have a beatifull lil girl shes 3 ... we sooo close i see her everyday ... the big problem is that i work 12 hour ahifts and finish work at 5.30 and then i go and see her till 8 ( everyday) and i feel sooo tired all the time and soooooooo guilty if i dont go and see her cos shes my world and to make things worst im still madly in love with my ex which i see everyday ... what can i do ???i know i need to stay away from her but i cant just cant stay away from my baby .... any advice ??? Cant believe im writing this online but just feel soooooo desperate
Someone 21/10/2016 at 7:49 pm
I'm not a dad but I'm a child who sees his dad every weekend and I didn't get to last week because he had to go to London and this week I just got here and there are people breaking windows in the street and he said "my friends here so is it ok if I go to a concert with him?" Obviously I was upset stressed and scared I told him it wasn't ok and he should've told me before I came and he said ok I won't go if you don't want me to go now I feel bad for making him stay here and not enjoying himself because this happens a lot where he chooses me over his friends and I can tell he wants to go
jim 14/10/2016 at 3:52 pm
had a bad split she took the kids said I pusher her and stole her julre took me to court had to use my daughter savings she had legal aid so keept pushingshe said that she did not love me no more after 14year marred 4 just had a baby boy got a daughter age 3 this was way a Bovey my head
Jay 11/10/2016 at 11:53 pm
Basically I'm looking for a little advice I'm married and my wife has 2 children from a previous relationship I also have a 3 year old son from a previous relationship dur to work I am only able to see him one weekend a month sometimes two if I'm lucky he is 3 years old and means the world to me when I'm not working I try to get to see him when I can but he lives over 200 miles away again because of my work I'm afraid he is going to grow up believing he is insignificant compared to his two step siblings when I see him I try and fill every moment together with enjoyable memories and his mother is very acomadating and understanding of the situation but I no matter how much I buy my son or the punt of money I spend can never be enough and I feel I'm letting him down I know he dosnt need me taking him out every time I see him he needs a dad and I'm trying my best to be that for him but I'm worried he will still grow to resent me
Barry 16/08/2016 at 12:52 pm
I am a separated father of a three and a half month son who I have every weekend, saturday morning to monday evening. My issue is he loves coming to stay but when I hand him back on a monday he gets stressed of the thought of having to go back to his mums. When I pull up outside the house he holds on to his seat belt to try and prevent me from undoing it, he screams, kicks, cries and goes totally berserk to the point I have to physically pull him out of the car.
It's a very distressing scene and seems to be getting worse, it's so bad I worry about what this might be doing to him mentally.
When I finally get him in the house and leave I can hear him screaming "I want to go to daddys".
I'm not sure what I can do.
Gty 23/07/2016 at 8:58 am
My fiancé and I have his young girls every weekend, also offer to have them more and help where we can. His ex is very bitter and confusing towards us, threatening me to him really nasty things but never to my face. She contacts him constantly and screams at him down the phone about anything and every thing. They were never married. My fiancé can no longer cope with the harassment and is feeling suicidal that he cannot just have a home with me and have the girls as we do with her trying to ruin everything and anything that we do. He has said he is going to have to walk away from them until they are older as he can no longer mentally cope with her. He would always pay maintenance for them but It's so bad now we really don't want to as we love them dearly he doesn't feel like he has a choice.
MA9 11/07/2016 at 6:25 am
I have been separated for 23 months, and also have been with my new partner for almost the same timing. I have met my new partner after the separation. I have 2 boys aged 14 and 10. My former is an NPD.

I am currently in the middle of Court conferences, while I have not been seeing my sons for few months due to their very rude behavior , and omnipotent, and a results of parent alienation since separation and also being trained just like their NPD mother's behaviour.

I am now almost exhausted all the ways to mend the situation as everytime my former wife will take everything against me either via court or lawyer.

I am starting to think that all the money and time spent are a waste of time as long as the kids are still living with my ex.

I am at the stage of moving on to have a new family with my partner. She has been supportive but very hurt when she sees that everytime I am being shot down and devalued , and framed without dignity by my former.

Should I continue to have the new family and move on?

Should I still continue the battle to try to hope for a miraculously change of the Boys' behaviour when they are still living with their mom?

I am unsure which is the best for me , the Boys and my new partner in our new life/family? We intend to have our kid(s) not too far from now too.

Hurt but want to move on. MA9
Help 04/07/2016 at 12:26 am
I have 2 boys from a previous relationship. I have them every weekend 11am Saturday until 7pm Sunday. I am a truck driver and work a way through the week. So in the holidays I have both for the full weekend then one stays with me for the full week until Friday then I pick them both up the following morning then the other stays with me the full week. This continues until there back at school. I also pay 50 a week and provide for them at my end. I have a partner who also has a daughter which she has full time and sometimes it's too much for us and we would like a little time on a weekend to ourselves but my ex won't allow and says she needs a break even tho they also sleep at there grandads every Wednesday also. We both work very hard and never get a break and now we have a baby on the way the ex wants the money doubling. She's taking me to court now about excess....even tho I have them? Do I have to have them all this time?? Is it fair that sometimes we may want a Saturday
SeparatedDads Editor 30/06/2016 at 2:05 pm
Many thanks for your comments. We are glad you have resolved past issues and found your happiness through your kids.
spike 29/06/2016 at 11:54 pm
Been divorced 10 years when the kids were small. Finally at that point of forgiveness. Be at peace. You don't need a new partner to make you happy. Your kids will do a better job at that if you let them
SeparatedDads Editor 16/05/2016 at 10:09 am
I am sorry to hear you are upset over this matter. Have you tried talking to your dad regarding this and telling him how you feel? You may find the site I Am A Child of Divorce here helpful, which has a forum, blogs and specific articles relating to your own situation and other similar articles for you to read. Hopefully, if you have a chat to your dad he will be able to re-assure you and try to work around the problem between you. I hope this helps.
Tuppyness 15/05/2016 at 6:13 am
I only see my dad 24 times in a whole year write now i am crying my eyes out because of my dad and most weekends with him i cant see him because of work and that just kills me i just really want to see my dad more often
stu 01/04/2016 at 5:22 pm
I separated from my ex partner.went through the courts,had a contact order and saw them every third weekend and holidays.everything was ok until I took them away for a holiday with my now wife. That was 13 years ago and haven't seen them since. Courts were a waste of time as the only ones who get hurt (emotionaly) are the children. Hope they would contact me eventually but no luck.they are in there 20s now. Any advise out there on how to proceed.
SeparatedDads Editor 26/02/2016 at 2:47 pm
I am sorry to hear this. You can apply through the court to see your kids. You would need to apply for a Contact Order and a C4 form which application for an order for disclosure of a child's whereabouts. This means you would be able to trace your child in order to apply for contact. If you cannot afford the legal fees, then you can self-litigate, please see link: Legal Aid Withdrawal: How to Represent Yourself, here and many fathers are having success this way. I would also advise finding a solicitor that will give you a free half hour and/or paying for some initial advice. Our Separated Dads Facebook page may also help if you read some of the posts. Advice comes from dads who have been through this or similar before. Regardless of whether you see your children, I'm afraid you are still classed as financially responsible for their day-to-day support.
ems 25/02/2016 at 8:52 pm
It's been a year since I have seen my two kids, a 5 year old boy and 7 year old girl. My ex is punishing me to the extreme that I am very depressed, anxious and always irritated, damaged and very much suicidal.
She abducted them a year ago, she refused to have me visit my kids, she refused to tell me where they are, she refused to tell me what school my children go to, can you imagine how much pain I've been going thru? She filed for domestic violence and she got a restraining order against me but she also wants child support. How am I supposed to go and live on like these if she doesn't want me to bond with my children and all she wants is child support?
peter88 09/01/2016 at 4:47 pm
hi. i am no longer with my wife. we parted when my son noah was 1 hes now coming 4. my ex wife does not let me take noah to nursery and i have to get him a wed thur meaning i had to give up my job as a joiner but thats nothing compared to not seeing my son all the time. he cries when he goes back to his mum and it kills me. i would like to go to court for shared custody but scared the judge would tell me i can get him 1 day a week. i dont know what to do. her mum and dad see him more than i do. im missing my only son grow and missing the fun of picking him up from nursery. i love him so much i live on my own so when hes away all i do is cry and the ex wife does not care. my son wants to be with me! cant wait till hes old enough to see its not me thats doing this to him.
SeparatedDads Editor 04/01/2016 at 2:24 pm
Please see partner article; Ex Partners and Parental Alienation Syndrome, here which may go some way to highlighting certain issues. If your ex is refusing access you can go through the process laid out in the article: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads Editor 01/12/2015 at 12:59 pm
I am sorry to hear this. Heightened emotion can quite easily spiral out of control, as you well know. While the sort of action you took may give short term gratification, it can really ruin your chances for long term gain regarding access to your son. It is difficult to advise what you should say to Cafcass, as it has to come from your own heart. Please see link; What Goes into the Cafcass Family Report? here. It may also be advisable for you to seek help regarding thoughts of suicide. The support group; the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is an excellent resource for young men who are feeling unhappy, I know things may seem bleaker than bleak now, but they will get better, and you have to be strong for your son. I wish you the best of luck gaining access, despite what you may think, the courts really do want fathers to have time with their children.
Eden 30/11/2015 at 5:59 pm
I have had the worst 6 months of my life and have now hit a wall and cant continue, suicide is inevitable.

Cut a long story short this all begun in end of may beginning of june this year.
I was a stay at home dad to our 3 year old boy since his birth my ex is a headteacher. In beginning of june my son got very ill we thought he had meningitis but it turned out to be a neurological condition called ADEM, we thought he would either die or have brain damage at least as he was so unresponsive. He spent 7-8 weeks in intensive care me and his mum were at his bedside 24-7 for 8 weeks, Thankfully we got a miracle and he made nearly a full recovery and hes recovery is ongoing.Shortly after coming home me and his mum split up after a 12 year relationship. We split up in the august over a verbal argument over money that a nurse at our front door overheared and made a complaint. Police came but it was dropped and my ex said she wanted a break and in the end we split up for good. That's when the threats by my ex came. She threatened to emigrate with my son and taking a teaching job abroad,she threatened to change his surname from mine to hers.Threatened me with solicitors etc etc. Then in September our son had a hospital appointment a check up. That was in the morning and in the afternoon after the appointment I got more threats from my ex that I cant have a relationship with my son etc and that she was allowing her mother to have our son while she is at work,her mum is a bi polar alcoholic who has a history of suicide attemps and when I heared this I snapped it was the final straw for me. My ex and my son were living at my inlaws and I visited the property I ended up kicking the front door,breaking a wing mirror and sending my ex some threatening nasty messages out of pure emotion,stress,worry. They were borderline threats to kill but they were empty threats I had just had enough. I was arrested a week later for the first time in my life and charged with criminal damage and harassment with a fear of violence. I got a suspended sentence but served 6 weeks on remand in prison. I was released in October and me and my ex are at court December regarding access to our son. I have an interview with CAFCASS before the court date. Im missing him like crazy its killing me not seeing him since September. My parents seen my son briefly while I was on remand and my parents told my son I was at work but he replied with "Daddys dead all gone" So they are telling him im dead.

If I cant get access to my son because of a stupid conviction I don't know what I will do. Well I do but that's a dark place. All I do now is go to the gym 3 hours a day lifting weights,im looking for work but not motivated or in the right frame of mind for a job.
SeparatedDads Editor 12/11/2015 at 10:46 am
I am sorry to hear this. The fact you have regular access to your son is a plus, it is something that many men fight for. One option would be to discuss shared-residency with your ex. However, if your ex is feeling insecure, then perhaps having your son around is a comfort to her and one that she may not wish to relinquish. Plus, if she undoubtedly loves your son as much as you do, then this is an approach she may not welcome and in fact see it as a threat, especially if she thinks you are engineering plans for your son live with you full-time. If you still have an amicable relationship, the best thing you can do is to discuss it with her informally. However, I imagine what you don't want to do is to bring distrust into the relationship by doing something such as jumping in feet-first and applying for full residency. To have a good relationship with your ex, is beneficial not only to you both, but to your son too. Therefore, you may want to keep this and build on that trust gradually, by letting her know you are there to have your son anytime, and that may be the way forward instead.
Jmc 11/11/2015 at 10:07 pm
It was defenetely a woman who wrote this.
Adam 16/10/2015 at 10:21 am
Hi my partner and i split earlier this year it was an awful relationship at the best of times, Years ago i became ill with depression and anxiety due to this i had to give up work, Because of this my ex would run me down constantly physical and mental abuse on a daily basis but i stayed for my kids. She ended the relationship in the end and got together with my so called best friend of 30 years within a week of the split. I still see my kids but picking them up and dropping them off is hard because he is always there and i find it hard not to confront him. I know if i did it would cause trouble between me and my ex and fear she would make it difficult when it comes to my contact with the kids. How do people cope in situations where there ex and there ex best friend are together?
SeparatedDads Editor 18/09/2015 at 11:39 am
There are many people that slip into depression after a break up, especially when there are children involved, which understandably can lead to suicidal thoughts. For some people, negative thinking stems from loneliness and lack of communication as many fathers feel they have been ripped from the fabric of their family life. If you feel you are depressed because of a relationship split, you can get help. I have included a NHS whichAlso our article: Dealing With Being Alone, may help also, whichWe also have a Seperated Dads Facebook page where there are a lot of fathers going through the same or similar issues.
Mikey 17/09/2015 at 9:03 am
Has anyone ever felt suicidal over a break up with your child's partner?
SeparatedDads Editor 04/08/2015 at 12:04 pm
@Je-Ma - I'm glad you feel the comments are a comfort. In addition, you may also find our Separated Dads Facebook page useful, as there are many fathers going through the same or similar issues such as you.
Je-Ma 01/08/2015 at 2:52 pm
Thank you all for your comments. They make me feel that I am normal when I cry and it's good to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I left the family home 6 weeks ago and the relationship with my ex is still difficult. I see my 7 and 9 old children 2-3 times a week during the day and have been calling them twice / day. My ex has now turned their mob phone off and at when I call their home number, no one takes calls.I find it really hard and don't know what to do because I need to minimise conflicts with my EX.
SeparatedDads Editor 04/08/2015 at 11:06 am
@daveym - thanks for your positive response, I'm sure it will be comforting to those who may currently be going through the same issues you have been through in the past. You may also find our Separated Dads Facebook page useful for further help and advice. Wishing you the best of luck in the future.
daveym 01/08/2015 at 9:31 am
I can sympathise and empathise with everyone here. My two little girls are my world and it was shattered when i discovered my ex's infidelity a year ago. I have cried, fallen apart, screamed and just plain stared at the wall with the loneliness and pain this has caused, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am fortunate to see my children on a 50:50 basis and have changed my work and life overall in order to make this work. My ex is very good at conflict, but never in front of the children, and I have learnt to deal with her narcissistic ways. My best advice is to seek a good counsellor - mine has been invaluable - and as the old saying goes, "when you're going through hell, keep going"
Life is moving on now I am divorced and will finally move out of the family home in a few weeks, not a new page or even a fresh chapter for me - a whole new book of blank pages to fill with good memories with my two, and hopefully someone new, who is more deserving of the best of me. Keep strong everyone and I wish you all a speedy return to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Eddy 18/06/2015 at 10:33 am
I have recently seperated from my now ex and we have a son together. I have no problem getting to see him but I can relate to other comments. I find it so distressing and upsetting when I have to take him back. I find myself constantly crying because all I do is think about him. Things like not being there for him when he,s hurt himself. Its so hard. The only time I feel happy is when I am with him and as soon as he leaves I become so sad again. Its driving me insane.
SeparatedDads Editor 12/05/2015 at 12:41 pm
@Jon - thank you for imparting those words of advice, I'm sure our readers will benefit from them.
Jon 10/05/2015 at 10:08 am
I used to see my son almost every weekend, it's recently been cut back to every other weekend and won't have seen him for 3 weeks when I next have him. It's an extremely difficult situation and am seeking mediation to go back to every weekend or at least 3 in 4 for 2 nights. All I can say is stay strong to all you fathers out there, it's a tough situation to be in. My son is the most important person in my life and always will be. Make the relationship between you and your ex as civil as possible because your child will pick up any conflict between you. As long as you can display yourself as being reasonable and calm there should be no reason why your ex can't either. If you're child always see's you as the calm one it will also benefit your relationship. It's tough out there and it's easier said than done but be a great father and try and be a great ex! You're kids shouldn't have to know the ins and outs of your relationship. Big respect to you all out there and remain being that dad your children deserve!
SeparatedDads Editor 21/04/2015 at 11:36 am
@woody - sorry to hear this. You may find our Separated Dads Facebook page useful for support and advice, as there are a lot of parents going through the same or similar issues. You can apply through the courts to see your children, see our link When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here.
woody 19/04/2015 at 12:58 am
Hello I'm not able to see my two beautyfull kids I love them so much !!!!!!! Why is it so sad and difficult to wa want to be part of your child's life there mother is really hard work !!! Its the lunitic running the lunitic asylum senareo the courts side with the mother come carer some people are amicable about the situation and some are not ! Hopefully in time (short) they will want to see me because its very difficult for me !!! Some men/can cope and some really struggleE with the situation all the best Colin
CW 08/10/2014 at 10:37 am
This is never easy for anyone to have to go through, unfortunately sometimes there might not be an easy resolution and the best thing you can do is try and deal with the situation logically and rationally. I know it seems awful currently, but it might be the better solution for you, especially if you have live a life where your partner is constantly having affairs which can knock your self confidence to rock bottom. There is life after a broken relationship, it might not seem like it currently, but it might be the making of you and lead you to a much happier and healthier life.
aarona 07/10/2014 at 12:06 am
Me and my partner are going through a break up right now we have been together 8 years and she has always been unfaithful on and off and I have stayed with her recently she has been cheating again and the other day admited it I'm still just about living with her but she wants me to leave and I no its gonna happen real soon although I still want to be with her I cannot bear to leave my kids the thought of it is breaking my heart not only am I a broken man cos I've been cheated on its tearing me apart thinking about not seeing my kids everyday I haven't stopped crying since I feel like my lifes not worth living I'm not sure if I will be able to cope would love some advice or help
tutti 22/07/2014 at 12:22 am
my x cheated on me left right and centre when i kicked him out i vowed not to ever stop him from seeing his boys.he was a crap husband but he loved his boys and my kids mental health was far more important to me.i made sure he was welcome to come see them when he wanted and phone every day.now my boys are teenagers they have a good relationship with him and me aswell as my new husband.im proud my kids are well balanced and happy kids.these stupied women who stop the dads seeing their kids are doing great damage to their children.my children know their dad still has an issue with cheating and drink but i dont allow them to speak disrespectfully of their dad.at the end of the day your mum and dad are the two people you will always love with all their faults.grow up everyone and allow your children to have love from mum and dad even if they dont love eachother anymore
desp 11/02/2013 at 7:40 pm
Hi,would just like to say that ive been where you guys are and its the worst thing in the world when you cant have what you want,the relationship with your children!,my ex went off with a heroin addict!!, i have 3 children of which there ages now are 5,7,&9 , ive been seperated for 5yrs now and had alot of worry over my children being around someone like that,i have luckily managed to see my children every weekend and 1 night in the week which is good ,still not the same as coming home to them every night but,i have just had to try to except it
i have my bad days, ive have been suffering with high levels of anxiety due to
all what ive been through, losing my home, divorce ,bankruptcy,its a hard thing to go through all the hoops that seperation causes,but what wont kill you makes you stronger,i have a new partner now and although im still currently living at my moms im still going!its not easy but keep STRONG!,you will always be your childrens father and that will never change!!as a child my parents seperated and i always said to myself that i would never want my children to come from a broken family but i didnt make this decision to happen my ex did,
my only advice is do not give up or give in ,as parents there are rights so get advice, even if it costs you from a solicitor,at least you will know where you stand,dont stand for any crap ,cheers dan
Greg 21/11/2012 at 2:58 pm
Its so hard just to keep going, I never spent a single day away from my little girl and boy and now its been 4 months since I last saw their little smiles and heard their laugh, i've lost everything and now reside in a hostel for the homeless due to being forced from my own home, my partner had decided that she wanted to start a relationship with someone that I once considered to be my friend, I took the news with obvious horror as we'd just celebrated our 7th anniversary i've tried to be as nice as I could but of course their were some tough questions that I wanted answering, I had a right to know, however she clearly thought differently and as soon as I was out of the house her now NEW partner moved in, now I'm no angel and I do not pretend to be, ive always been upfront about who and what I am, I have a chequered past and theres alot of things in my life that I wish I could have done differently but I love my babies and I will always be thankfull to their mum for such an amazing gift, the pain and sacrifice that she has endured through two harrowing and almost fatal pregnancies, however the torrent of abuse and lies and threats that I recieved from her family members, accusations etc is inexcusable, but because of my PAST, I now have to endure this seperation, it's changed me as a person, I'm no longer the confident outgoing and happy father of two that I was, I now take medication for depression and anxiety and panic attacks, I struggle just to carry on and ive almost given up, I had an episode where I lost all hope and attempted suicide, I was luckily found in time and with some surgery and a clear head I'm slowly trying to peice my life back together, I feel horrible for nearly depriving my babies of their daddy, but at the time I couldnt see that, I just wanted the pain to stop.She has now resorted to using the kids as a weapon against me, trying to provoke me to act rashly, we are currently organising supervised visits at a childrens center, but its taking so long, I'm trying to remain upbeat and stress free, I lost my job when I became homeless but I'm now working full time again and paying all my due's, I wasnt allowed to see them for their birthdays this year which is heartbreaking, and now ive missed a 3rd of a whole year, which is time that we will never get back, I went 17 years without a father because he chose to dissappear, I know how tough it was, always wandering why he didnt want to see us, I will not allow that to happen to my children, I have to be strong, I have to be patient, I have to be there when they need me no-matter what obstacles stand in my way, i've come this far and survived, I won't just roll over and die, this is my opportunity to be the man I always knew I was, it's taken me a while to realise that this isnt the end, its the start of something new and scary and exciting, so like the phoenix, in order to rise from the ashes, first you gotta burn, So guys, as much as it seems like there is no hop
swman 25/06/2012 at 5:03 pm
Hi, I currently make maintenance payments for my kids who i have to stay with me. I currently do all the driving, incurring all the time and financial costs. It seems that this is just tough luck - anyone know any different as its very frustrating

Thank you
bob123 11/04/2012 at 10:55 pm
God this is a nightmare just like others the not showing anger bit is killing me. Haven't spoken or seen my kids in four months. If I call their mother just holds up the phone and makes them shout "NO" down the phone had to stop calling it was killing me.
Adam East 08/07/2011 at 9:48 am
My ex tells me that I cannot take my son away from her for the day or an evening until he is 2. Is this right? Will I really have to visit him with her for two years? I am on the birth certificate if this helps. Please help me.
Rexxy 12/04/2011 at 12:59 pm
Some good stuff in there. Not showing anger is a real toughie though, especially when (like me) you are not permitted to contact your kids via text message. Grrrrrr!

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