Can I Get a Background Check On Ex's New Partner?
Q.
My ex-wife is moving in with her new boyfriend with our 2 daughters, aged 15 and 9. I don't know anything about this man and I was wondering if I can do any background checks to ensure he is not a threat to my girls?
(M.G, 23 April 2009)
A.
It can be difficult when your partner starts dating again introduces a stranger into the lives of your children. It is a role that you do not want to be taken lightly and it is natural to be suspicious. While you have to accept that she is moving on by Getting A New Partner and is free to make her own judgements about her boyfriend’s suitability, it is fair to be concerned about your daughters’ safety.
'Sarah’s law’ allows parents to get information about anyone who has unsupervised access to their children. Parents can find out if the person has any previous convictions for child abuse as long as they use this information responsibly.
This is something that you could look into in order to find out background information about your ex’s new partner. However, you need to be careful in the way that you approach this. You do not want to alienate your ex or cause any bad feeling between the two of you.
Ideally, you should talk to your ex about your concerns, explaining that you are not judging her choice of partner but purely protecting your children. Try to discuss the possibility of doing a background check together so that she does not feel that you have gone behind her back.
If Sarah’s law is not available in your area yet, then you could also consider using a private investigator to find out more. However, again, you want to keep a good relationship with your ex and her new partner – who may become a permanent part of you children’s lives – so tread carefully.
You may feel more at ease if you were able to spend some time with the man and get to know him a bit better. It will be good for all of you if you can have a relaxed relationship. Although it may be awkward, suggest that you all get together so that you can feel better about him being a part of your daughters’ lives.
Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.
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My Ex said it was over one day as she wasnt happy after 9 years and 3 kids all under 7, I signed over tenancy and left, turns out she had been seeing someone or at least contact from before we split, she kept this information from me and i only found out from the kids and shes since admitted "talking to someone" as weeks have passed my kids have asked to stay at his house, gone with her to meet him and she had introduced the kids to him before id even left the house, she wont tell me his name or anything about him, Ive got no idea who my children are around and no way will she tell me, in fact she rang the police and tried to get me done for harrassment after 2 texts and i knocked round the house to see my sick kids for 5 mins, Im stuck not knowing anything, cant ask and have no idea when hes sleeping in the same house as my kids. I dont know what to do
Mike4566 - 28-Oct-23 @ 10:51 PM
Hi all. So I've been separatedfrom my kids dad since 2nd August 2022 we have 50/50 custody. I met my new partnerback on the 15th August 2022,But I'm wanting my new partnerto move in to my home, can my ex stop my new partnermoving in with me?Any help or advicewould be greatlyappreciatedthanks
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kate00 - 24-Jun-22 @ 11:58 PM
I split with my partner over a year ago. She is free to see who she wishes. But I have concerns on her new partner. She never told me she was seeing someone else. She wanted space and moved into another house. I set her up and we shared access and got on for the kids. Her mother took cancer and unfortunately she passed but she made up lies to the police about me. I recorded out conversation and record everything with my ex. I have to record everything as she has made up so many allegations. We got together while we both had separated. She has real problems with her ex husband he has issues. Social services were involved and she claimed he had a child offence. He refused to cooperate with the services. And finally she got info of his ex partner. It turned out this guy was bad. I cooperated with social services and was OK. Anyway my ex partner is with someone now again and made another bad judgment. She has moved him in without consulting me.I had numerous messages and people saying he hits woman and issues with drugs. He has no kids and been told he is a horrible man. He has smashed up my house and van. The police can’t do anything as they don’t have enough evidence. I have tried to reason with her about her bad judgment again. As why would all these people lie about him. She refuses mediation and access is when she decides.
I want to talk and see if this guy is OK. But she will just not listen to what people say about him, the drugs, violence. Can I get a check in him without her permission as I want to know my kids are safe.
Phil - 14-Sep-21 @ 7:17 PM
Split up with my ex and while shes been cheating on me for years and I've told her what he was like as I new him that his a drug dealer and been prison for domestic violence and takes his son with him to do his deals and the people he associates with. I dont want me daughter around him as his dangerous. Just dont know what to do about it.
Kevin - 26-Nov-20 @ 2:55 PM
I broke up with my girlfriend just over 2 months ago as it ended badly. She has already moved on with a new man and already introduced him into my 11 year old daughters life. By picking her up from school and staying around there. I have no information on him as she wont talk to me. What can I do?
ApexAssassin - 26-Jul-19 @ 5:23 AM
Hi,I had my son in 2017 while I was 6months pregnant I lost my father after having my son I was very ill with overactive thyroid,I had no support from what I thought was my husband to be instead he was having an affair with a 27year old female,we then split up but all the while he was cheating on me and treated me like an animal even worse,the girl in question has been tourting me on social media with the no names mentioned games even putting up how to save someone from a stroke knowing full well that’s how my father died,he never admitted being with her but it’s quiet clear there together,if she was a nice girl I wouldn’t be worried so much instead she daily puts evil digs up, like she doesn’t even know the real concepts of life there continuously using social media as a tool, there is a baby involved and my son would be devastated knowing I’d allow such a cruel girlbe around him but he’s to young and vulnerable to understand,my ex stil denies he’s with her,I don’t trust her around my child is there a way I can get a back ground check on her she smokes weed drinks and possibly does cocaine..what do I do other than try protecting my son?
H - 3-Jun-19 @ 2:48 PM
Ma Greg
Also if this new partner has sole custody of a child then it’s unlikely he’s a risk and that’s something the courts will consider because a court has already deemed him a suitable parent - something to bear in mind should it progress to court
Katmurph - 19-May-19 @ 2:19 PM
Ma Greg
Unless he has diabetes and needs to inject himself then you should ask the social services to investigate your concerns which you have every right to do especially with allegations of that nature. It’s surprising to me that he is a nurse using drugs but it’s not unheard of and whilst he will have access to drugs it wouldn’t be easy to just take them every drug administered has to be checked and checked again there isn’t a big stack of drugs that all staff can access if he was taking them out the hospital then that will be discovered very quickly -does your ex use drugs or did she when you was together ??Social services will check them both out and ensure your daughter is safe so that’s where I would be starting or you could relay your concerns directly to your ex maybe suggest meeting her new partner not to interfere but just to put your mind at rest if you get no joy there then call your local social services and explain your concerns - hope this help
Katmurph - 19-May-19 @ 2:16 PM
My ex is now in a relationship with a man that I belive is involved in drugs he has a little boy in his care full time that the mum has decided to leave from fear of him and my little 4.5 year old duaghter I fear is in danger this man all I know his name is philip and wont be given any other information I've been told he is a nurse and uses drugs on regular basis with my ex in the presents of my duaghter mu duaghter told me that one morning he had a needle in his arm and told her it was medicine now if all of this is true I also fear for my life becuase if he was to find out that it was me who alerted authorities he might want to take revenge as I realy dont care to much for my ex as she is old eneogh yo choose who ever she likes to date my duaghter was taken on a holiday for one night in a hotel and told me that in the morning he was naked in the kitchen with a needle in his arm and her mum was asleep he told her that it was medicine and I've been told that he gets hospital grade drugs and sells them what do do about it my duaghter is my life I've tryed yo talk to the mum without saying to much and now she is accusing me of all sorts of things I just want my duaghter yo be safe and most of all dont want her to one day say where were you DAD I need help as I dont know this person's identity do I have the right or do I go to 5he police.
Me greg - 18-Mar-19 @ 10:24 AM
My ex is now in a relationship with a man that I belive is involved in drugs he has a little boy in his care full time that the mum has decided to leave from fear of him and my little 4.5 year old duaghter I fear is in danger this man all I know his name is philip and wont be given any other information I've been told he is a nurse and uses drugs on regular basis with my ex in the presents of my duaghter mu duaghter told me that one morning he had a needle in his arm and told her it was medicine now if all of this is true I also fear for my life becuase if he was to find out that it was me who alerted authorities he might want to take revenge as I realy dont care to much for my ex as she is old eneogh yo choose who ever she likes to date my duaghter was taken on a holiday for one night in a hotel and told me that in the morning he was naked in the kitchen with a needle in his arm and her mum was asleep he told her that it was medicine and I've been told that he gets hospital grade drugs and sells them what do do about it my duaghter is my life I've tryed yo talk to the mum without saying to much and now she is accusing me of all sorts of things I just want my duaghter yo be safe and most of all dont want her to one day say where were you DAD I need help as I dont know this person's identity do I have the right or do I go to 5he police.
Me greg - 18-Mar-19 @ 10:24 AM
I’ve recently split with my ex we have an 8 year old daughter together he’s moved in with new girlfriend already and told my daughter this and that they will be going on holiday etc shes tuck it badly and now don’t want to see her dad he’s being really mean to me now his partner has just called social services on me concerns of the welfare of Brooke she don’t know me and she’s met my daughter once what gives her there right it’s none of her business
Ovo - 15-Mar-19 @ 9:52 AM
Truth is I am not in a position (back then) or (even now) to see my daughter bye (court order )very( frustrating) I brought it into myself but been a (lazy person) and not been (daughter focused )back then to get off my (butt and actually go to court) for visitation.instead off feeling sorry for myself and just talking about it to make myself feel better hoping my daughter will just appear wish full thinking .who cares if she was cheating for numerous years when she left she was not hurting me anymore .but it was my responsibility to go to court .and now it’s to late .
Chris - 13-Mar-19 @ 10:02 PM
@sarge.you need a (family law solicitor mate ).they will help you .i didn’t go down that path because now this is the (gods truth my uncle told me he is the father when I had to stay there years ago maybe (cause trouble or pick a fight) I don’t now maybe he is ?i didn’t stay to long that’s for sure .i do not like the (mother off my child one bit ).but I am (strong super strong )if I see my daughter I see her if not well it is what is .
Chris laurie - 13-Mar-19 @ 6:15 PM
I have concerns about my ex's new partner being violent towards my ex julie I have heard some really bad things about him about being violent and also a con man. My ex won't believe anything I say and has stopped me getting in contact I need help to sort this out but I don't know what to do. Could someone please help me. Thank you
Sarge - 13-Mar-19 @ 4:27 PM
URGENT PLEASE HELP. I have been in relationship with my ex for 12 years we had 2 boys together. Now we are separated since 2 year ago but I had regular contact with my kids. Just recently she told me that she was dating somebody from online chatting and only after 2 weeks she brought him to my kids house as they live with her. I was very frustrated when she told me that. I was very concerned about my kids safety and well-being. However when I told her that she went to the court and putted aNon-molestation order against me and she stoped me from seeing my kids or have any contacts with them as she claimed to the court that I have been abusif and controlling her. anyway the court later on dropped the Order as no Sufficient evidence was given to the court . My concern now
Is about my kids safety as their mother bringing strangers form online chatting and exposing the kids to harm. I’m not against her wishes if she want to be in relationship but I’m worried about my kids safety
I would like to know my rights as a father for this matter I want to know if I can request criminal record of her partner (s) ?!!
Thank you in advance.
Peter - 24-Oct-18 @ 3:11 PM
My wife befriended a younger girl (26) with Borderline personality Disorder to try and help her.After a few months she asked her to live with us and at the time I think she just wanted to help her.I was concerned because the girl was anorexic, self harming and hearing voices in her head.She lived with us on and off for a year and in that time spent so much time with my wife undermining our relationship that by the time I asked her to leave it was too late and my wife and become emotionally attached to her.Two months on they are in love and my wife says the marriage is over.I am still in the house sleeping separately, the children are distraught and my wife is not the person I married.At the moment they are not aware of the cause of the breakdown.When she moved in a was very concerned we have three children and I know my wife will want to move her in either while I am still there or as soon as I leave.I am very concerned that she will try to undermine my position as their father when she moves in and that her mental health issues will have an negative effect on the children's emotional well-being.Whilst I can stop my wife seeing her, I do not want her to come into contact with them.Can I seek a child protection order?
Peter - 3-Jul-18 @ 1:37 PM
I was awarded sole custody of my baby daughter 15 months ago ,After the Judge at the family court found the mother responsible for physically abusing her, as she was in her care for just 5 weeks.The mother can only see my daughter twice a year supervised as deemed by the court .People ask me why i have sole custody i tell them the facts , but my ex partner { mother} has said i cannot do this , but i am relaying the truth , could you advise me please
Ross.90 - 27-May-18 @ 2:31 PM
My current partner has a child with his ex and sees his child on a regular basis, my son was taken away and adopted because of an ex partner and I have failure to protect, his ex has said that if they decide to go to court and have background checks that social services will take his child into care whilst doing the background checks. Is this true? How will my failure to protect affect him and contact with his child also will it affect our relationship? I'm really stressed over this, any help will be good.
Smush89 - 4-May-18 @ 10:35 AM
Please help . I have been split up from my ex since June last year and have been in a new relationship since September. We have now moved in together but my ex has told me that while I live with my new girlfriend my 2 kids will not be staying with me in my house. Currently I am to have contact in my parents house as I had no fixed abode but now she won’t let me change that until i go to a solicitor. Me and my ex had a toxic relationship , where we both done wrong but for some reason I’ve been made to feel like I have to beg and explain every single move I make. But what else can I do ?????? I’m worried that in the time it takes to get to court and get it changed she will have turned my own kids against me ... or worse ... that she tells lies and I don’t get my children at all ....
Cam - 14-Mar-18 @ 1:15 PM
brucie- Your Question:
Hi any fathers who are concerned about their childrens welfare at the hands of the other parent must seek advice from a solicitor but you Will have to be prepared to go through a court case that could go on for up to five years and every aspect of your private life Will be looked into and brought up in front of others in court however if you are serious about taking care of your children you must persever and turn up to every court date or appointment to show that you are serious and no matter how personal or embarrassing some questions may be you must be completely honest because the people you are dealing with are trained professionals and Will have a dim view and may think you are unsuitable or have something to hide anyway I hope this might help anyone.
Our Response:
@brucie - many thanks for your comments, which I'm sure will help our readers.
SeparatedDads - 1-Mar-18 @ 10:58 AM
Hi any fathers who are concerned about their childrens welfare at the hands of the other parent must seek advice from a solicitor but you Will have to be prepared to go through a courtcase that could go on for up to five years and every aspect of your private life Will be looked into and brought up in front of others in court however if you are serious about taking care of your children you must persever and turn up to every court date or appointment to show that you are serious and no matter how personal or embarrassing some questions may be you must be completely honest because the people you are dealing with are trained professionals and Will have a dim view and may think you are unsuitable or have something to hide anyway I hope this might help anyone.
brucie - 28-Feb-18 @ 5:25 AM
Hi folks ifmay i like to share my story and ask advice.
About a year ago i took in a so called freind who was going thru devorce me and my now ex partner lookd after him fed him and helped him out and listned to him go thru hell (my ex slateing thus woman for just a kiss) sadly owing to my work i was away most of the time and arrived back home on many an occasion to find them both pissed up on my sofa.
Time went on and he managed to get a new lass and moved out near december so i thought i could rebuild the strain it put in us,sadly my ex lost her grandma early on in jan so not to be a d**k i thought her blowing off steam and haveing a night out would be ok so she went out near her birthday, long story short she went full rainmack with a man she had been speaking to for 3 weeks (cheers dateing site and my so called m8 for putting her in it to spy on his ex's fella may karma find you fast) before she told me what she had done she spent 2 days laughing in my face when all i asked was why she didnt say she was safe! She finally told me causing eruptions in the house, i stayed in fir 3 weeks told her id forgive the affair if was a 1 off howver was lied to when she said she had ended it
Was made homeless becouse in my line of work i cant make a fuss or id risk my jib so left for sake of kids.
So to current i have a mortgage with her debts i was lied to about to the tune of 16 grand and her playing funny buggers over my kids any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Either that or a lottery win probably have more chance of that than finding a good woman
Patientzero - 26-Dec-17 @ 8:24 PM
Hi folks ifmay i like to share my story and ask advice.
About a year ago i took in a so called freind who was going thru devorce me and my now ex partner lookd after him fed him and helped him out and listned to him go thru hell (my ex slateing thus woman for just a kiss) sadly owing to my work i was away most of the time and arrived back home on many an occasion to find them both pissed up on my sofa.
Time went on and he managed to get a new lass and moved out near december so i thought i could rebuild the strain it put in us,sadly my ex lost her grandma early on in jan so not to be a d**k i thought her blowing off steam and haveing a night out would be ok so she went out near her birthday, long story short she went full rainmack with a man she had been speaking to for 3 weeks (cheers dateing site and my so called m8 for putting her in it to spy on his ex's fella may karma find you fast) before she told me what she had done she spent 2 days laughing in my face when all i asked was why she didnt say she was safe! She finally told me causing eruptions in the house, i stayed in fir 3 weeks told her id forgive the affair if was a 1 off howver was lied to when she said she had ended it
Was made homeless becouse in my line of work i cant make a fuss or id risk my jib so left for sake of kids.
So to current i have a mortgage with her debts i was lied to about to the tune of 16 grand and her playing funny buggers over my kids any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Either that or a lottery win probably have more chance of that than finding a good woman
Patientzero - 26-Dec-17 @ 8:23 PM
Hi folks ifmay i like to share my story and ask advice.
About a year ago i took in a so called freind who was going thru devorce me and my now ex partner lookd after him fed him and helped him out and listned to him go thru hell (my ex slateing thus woman for just a kiss) sadly owing to my work i was away most of the time and arrived back home on many an occasion to find them both pissed up on my sofa.
Time went on and he managed to get a new lass and moved out near december so i thought i could rebuild the strain it put in us,sadly my ex lost her grandma early on in jan so not to be a d**k i thought her blowing off steam and haveing a night out would be ok so she went out near her birthday, long story short she went full rainmack with a man she had been speaking to for 3 weeks (cheers dateing site and my so called m8 for putting her in it to spy on his ex's fella may karma find you fast) before she told me what she had done she spent 2 days laughing in my face when all i asked was why she didnt say she was safe! She finally told me causing eruptions in the house, i stayed in fir 3 weeks told her id forgive the affair if was a 1 off howver was lied to when she said she had ended it
Was made homeless becouse in my line of work i cant make a fuss or id risk my jib so left for sake of kids.
So to current i have a mortgage with her debts i was lied to about to the tune of 16 grand and her playing funny buggers over my kids any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Either that or a lottery win probably have more chance of that than finding a good woman
Patientzero - 26-Dec-17 @ 6:00 PM
@Chris - you would have to apply to court for this, or get a private detective agency to find out. There is no law to say your ex has to give you her boyfriend's name.
JonoN - 21-Dec-17 @ 10:17 AM
My ex will not give me her boyfriends name or address in which she is living with him I know he has a criminal background and she will not give me his name so I can look up to see whether or not my children are safe in his presence he also does not have custody of his own kids so that is a big concern of mine! Legally should she give me his name?
Chris - 20-Dec-17 @ 3:24 AM
worriedgrandad - Your Question:
My son split up with partner and have 2 kids together! She is heavily drinking and social services are involved. The Police had to attend recently and confirmed she was too drunk to be responsible for the kids. Social services decided she has to have afamily member present from now on. They have agreed her mother can that person. The problem is she is an alcoholic and tried to commit suicide Jan 17. I'm trying to get social services to check out the grandmother but they have said they are happy with her! its family solution services dealing with it, is their a complaints proceedure?
Our Response:
Your son may wish to take legal advice. Much depends upon what he wishes to do, if he wishes to apply for residency of his kids, then he may have to take the matter to court. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the children in question. The court will always put the children’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order.
SeparatedDads - 18-Dec-17 @ 3:29 PM
My son split up with partner and have 2 kids together! She is heavily drinking and social services are involved. The Police had to attend recently and confirmed she was too drunk to be responsible for the kids. Social services decided she has to have afamily member present from now on. They have agreed her mother can that person. The problem is she is an alcoholic and tried to commit suicide Jan 17. I'm trying to get social services to check out the grandmother but they have said they are happy with her! its family solution services dealing with it, is their a complaints proceedure?
worriedgrandad - 18-Dec-17 @ 9:10 AM
Hi As a woman I am sickened by your stories - My other half has spent over 14,000 pounds on getting divorced and keeping in contact withhis children withbroken court orders and having to have a solicitor at every turn. Why are women allowed to get away with breaking the law just by saying theyhave suffered Domestic Violence ! my partner was never charged but it got her all she needs for FREE. She now spends her free time in 5* hotels in London and A list restaurants living the high life but lives in a council House and the children have free school meals. Now spending yet another 1,500 pounds on going to court for yet more broken access! I dont know how much more we can stand but if you complain no one will listen. The children are the true victims by loosing out on their DADS. I hope that you dads out there never give up as I no some of you will be alone in your battle as its hard to involve anyone trust me I no but I will stand by my MAN
twinkle - 27-Oct-17 @ 6:11 PM
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