Mediation as a Solution for Child Custody and Visitation

Author: Chris Nickson

No one’s going to try to say that separating is easy. Even at its smoothest, it’s a dizzying, horrible experience. In court it can lead to a lot of acrimony, and where issues are contested, legal bills can easily soar into the thousands, something neither you nor you former partner need at this stage.

Before you head into a costly court battle, there is an alternative, and it’s one suggested surprisingly often by solicitors or courts. Mediation is a lot less divisive than court wrangling, and statistics have show that for both parents the results have proved to be more satisfying than drawn-out legal procedures. Additionally, it’s a great deal less expensive.

How It Works

Mediation is a series of sessions with a trained, neutral mediator to sort out the issues around splitting up – note that this isn’t an attempt to reconcile the two of you. These involve child residence and contact (always putting the welfare of the children first), but also cover legal and Financial Issues. If you’re married, it’s not a substitute for Divorce; you’ll still need to go through that, but with everything else taken care of in a written mediation agreement, it can prove to be a much faster, simpler, and cheaper procedure as you’ll have a consent order.

You attend a series of mediation sessions, each lasting between one and two hours; rarely are more than six sessions necessary. The initial meeting can be the with you and your ex or individually, discussing the issues and whether the two of you can meet face to face. At no time does the mediator attempt to make decisions for you or take either side in the discussion. They’re simply facilitators in the proceedings.

Both parties will need to give honest, signed information about their finances for mediation to work. Be aware, though, that mediation doesn’t work for everyone, although it’s successful in the vast majority of cases. Once you start, you’re still free to stop if you wish. Everything you say is confidential, with the exception of your financial information and anything that might come to light about the potential of harm to anyone, most particularly your children. Note, too, that you have to at least find out about mediation before you can qualify for legal aid for any court settlement.

Mediation Prep Tool

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What It Costs

It’s possible to get legal aid to cover the costs of mediation, but for most people, you’ll be paying the bill yourself. Depending on the number of sessions involved, this can run between £100 and £1000; a lot depends on the complexity of the cases and the number of issues involved.

The Sessions

Obviously, it’s simplest if the sessions involve you and your ex-partner together. If so, ground rules will be established regarding no interruptions, shouting and so on. You might need separate rooms with the mediator going between the two of you.

You’ll need to be prepared for give and take. When it comes to residence and Contact Orders, the two of you want the same thing, which is whatever’s best for the kids, and the mediator can help you work out the most viable, practical solutions. But that also includes financial issues, such as mortgages – the kids need somewhere to live, after all. It’s not easy, but the mediator works with the pair of you to establish a solution that’s satisfactory to you both (and to the children).

It culminates in an agreement, called a Memorandum of Understanding or Statement of Outcome. You’ll probably want to have your solicitor review the agreement before you sign it, and once signed the two of you can also have your solicitors sign it to make everything legally binding. It might also be that you only reach agreement on some issues. If so, the mediator will record these, and the others can be resolved in court.

If your children are older, many mediators will suggest involving them in the sessions. It makes sense, since, in essence, you’re discussing their welfare.

Finding a Mediator

The Family Mediation Helpline (www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk) or National Family Mediation (www.nfm.org.uk) can help connect you to a mediator, visit their website to find your nearest service and contact details. It’s not a solution that’s going to work in every single case, but it’s often proved a value solution for separating families. More about mediation can be found here.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Mediation Prep Tool lets you prepare your key points and priorities before mediation. Takes 5 minutes. Try it now →

84 Comments

Ask a Question or Comment

Vinod 9 Dec 2023

Hello, My ex-wife took away my son and not showing me for past 7 years. Though i want to contact my son, asking through friends mediation, my ex- is reluctant to show my son and she married another guy and turned my son against me. Even when I went to school, the Head Teacher not showed my son on the orders of my ex-wife, and when I am waiting outside of school, she warned me not to wait outside and even later banned me to enter in school premises. I need to proceed to the court to get arrangement orders. Still I need to proceed with MIAM process and get letter from them before filing in the court? I have no money and I need to file everything on my own as my ex-wife ruined my finances by filing false cases in India. Please advice all the steps to go the court to access my son and to get in contact with my son

Deanrog 19 Dec 2019

Just needing some advice can i go through meditation if im not on my sons birth certificate or will my ex have to set it so she can prove them im the dad?

Luc 2 Oct 2019

I’m taking me ex partner to mediation due to him constantly messing me around when it comes to him having access over our son I’m just confused on if I still send my son to his dads as hes decided he wants him or do I keep him until mediation is finalised, I’ve rang mediation and they can’t give a specific answer on what to do Regards Luc

Chantell 26 Sep 2019

Hi, What it is I’ve already being to mediation 3 times already twice 2 years ago and once last year as well I have being seeing my son again this year but it is getting out of hand because my sons father still won’t let me have my son over night all he keeps saying is think about it but there’s nothing to think about it I’m his mother I’ve tried everything with his dad his fiancé has tried with my sons father also and I just need some advice in what to do now because I’ve did mediation with his father didn’t come and do just need help because he’s being funny again

Taz 26 Apr 2019

I want my ex to see his dad regularly, but he has had a gf for 4 yeass and she doesn't like our son. My ex has seen his son 3 times since Christmas, I am at my wits end, what should I do?

Jojo 24 Mar 2019

My daughter had a child by someone 3 years ago .when she found out she was pregnant he didn’t want to know and never has .recently she went to his parents house and it all came out as they didn’t know anything.the child now sees his dad on a evening one day and on a day at the weekend, but with my daughter . The meetings were going great what with meeting his other grandparents but the child’s dad has a girlfriend and my daughter things it’s all to soon to meet up but it’s causing problems with my daughter as the family are not listening to her . This is causing great distress for her and don’t know what to do

dj 22 Nov 2018

Me and my ex partner have seperated but she is expecting our first child is it possible to sort anything out before child is born or do you have to wait

Boo 10 Oct 2018

I have a 6 yr old daughter and die to my ex being a bully towards my children and myself I ended the relationship, he has had access for my daughter since we ha e split which has been over 2yrs now but I have had constant harrassment from him.. Threats to my son and myself ! Police have been involved and we have done mediation ! That worked for a while then he started harassing again ! I'm currently in the middle of moving away with my children ! If I tell him now that we are moving I know he will be real mad and harass myself and my kids again but probably worse ! I don't want him to stop seeing his daughter I just need to be far enough away that he can't come to my door.. Advice please x

miss h 25 Aug 2018

if a father is not on a birth certificate can he still apply for mediation and court? would he need to be added to a birth certificate before medication can begin?

SeparatedDads Editor 26 Jun 2018

If your child's father wishes to pursue the issue, then if you refuse to attend mediation he would have to apply to court. I cannot speculate on why your ex wishes to contact his son now, there could be a variety of reasons. However, if the matter does go to court your son's opinion will be asked.

SeparatedDads Editor 26 Jun 2018

Your husband would have to go back to the beginning and either contact his ex directly, or contact her through a solicitor and suggest mediation, If his ex refuses, then your husband would have to apply to court.

nursey 26 Jun 2018

After receiving the letter for mediation they have told me that it is about contact. When we split my ex was offered contact but never followed this through. So my ex has not seen my son for 11 years, he has always known where we lived but never sent a letter or card even. I have always told my son the truth about my husband not being his biological parent. I spoke with my son and have done over the years and he has no interest in meeting my ex. 11 years of no contact is a long time, my son has his own opinions and is currently a happy boy with lots of family, friends and has his routines. I have emailed the mediator back to explain the length of time with no contact and what my sons wishes are. Part of me feels my ex has a lot of explaining to do and why get in touch now? why leave it so long? surely the child being older if more difficult? I'm not sure what the next step will be?

Clbella 25 Jun 2018

I got together with my now husband when his daughter was 18months old , we had contact on a regular basis although things were never perfect we all did ok and I had a good relationship with her mother , When my stepdaughter was 8 we all had a massive argument a few weeks past with no contact when we tried to resume contact she had moved changed phone numbers my stepdaughter is now 11 and we think we know where she lives and her school what should our next steps be ? Dad is on birth cert and pays matenice

SeparatedDads Editor 25 Jun 2018

If your ex and you go through CMS, then there is little that needs to be discussed here. CMS take its figures from the amount of tax your ex would pay via HMRC, regardless of whether he declared his earnings or not. Changes that need to be reported can be seen via whichI can only speculate it may be for contact to your son. Much depends upon whether the split was traumatic and access issues were difficult at the time. Some parents decide to leave contact until the child is at an age where they are more mature and can understand more, particularly if previous negotiations have proved unsuccessful. Although, as stated this is pure speculation. The mediator should tell you the reason.

Nursey 24 Jun 2018

I have a 12 year old son. My ex partner and I were never married and never lived together properly. He has another son who is 9 years older than mine. I split with my partner a few months after the birth. We agreed on a maintenance amount and then he stopped. I then when through the csa and now we are part of the child maintenance system. My ex has not seen my son for over 11 years, no contact at all. I met my husband just before my sons first birthday so he considers him to be his dad but he does know the truth. I have just received a referral for mediation, I was quite taken aback as I cannot possibly think what I have to mediate after no contact for 11 years. Do they discuss finances? My ex is now a Capatin in the navy and I'm not sure he declared this promotion and I also know his elder son ho is 20 this year started university last year so I guess payments would change. I'm thinking he wants to negotiate a new payment, I've found getting this letter unsettling and have emailed to ask what is there to mediate, will they tell me the reason?

SeparatedDads Editor 11 Jun 2018

You cannot stop your ex from disagreeing with you. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order.

SeparatedDads Editor 11 Jun 2018

If your ex refuses to attend mediation, then court is your only option

dinger 10 Jun 2018

I have a 20 month son, from a 2 night stand. His mum did not tell me until he was 9months. since then I've had a DNA done to confirm it was me, my name is now on his birth certificate, so I have P.R. It has been to court and I have a visitation order of 6 hours a day on 2 seperate days, but my circumstances have changed dramitically since this. I have married and want to be more involved with him. At present I'm 'allowed' 2 overnights twice a month. When he is with me he has his own room, which he doesn't at home, (still in room with mum and step dad). She keeps throwing the order in my face saying I get more than I should. It's back in court but seems to be getting nowhere fast. I'm trying to get a 50-50% split of his time. What more can I do to stop her from disagreeing with me

Lee 10 Jun 2018

I split from my partner in Jan and have not seen my children since 11 March, she tells me to go court to see children and won't do mediation.. she has a new fella and goes away overnight with her boyfriend and leaves with baby sister .. I'm frustrated as would love to have the kids.. what can I do.. she ignored all email regarding my children and just tells the children you ain't seeing Dad unless he takes me to court!! Help!!! Any advise

Marnie 7 Jun 2018

Hi hoping for advise. My partner has been divorced 2.5 years they have 2 children. He has paid CMS evey month without fail he also pays an extra £80 for clubs. We have the children every weekend overnight for 1 night and in holidays. This was arranged way before I met him and has never changed. The divorce and settlement of debts was very unfair and she left him with debts and refused to give him any money from the sale of their house. The CMS renewal came through this year, since January we moved in together and so my two children are taken into account which has reduced her CMS by £45 a month. She has threatened him with comments via text such as if he doesn’t pay more then his children will suffer. He is so concerned that she will minimise contact he is thinking of giving her more than the CMS plus clubs plus the debt he is still paying. My question is can she stop him having the children so her CMS payments go up?

SeparatedDads Editor 4 Jun 2018

Child maintenance and child mediation are different areas. Your children's father is responsible for paying child maintenance regardless of whether you are having mediation counselling or not.

Cost 2 Jun 2018

At present myself and my ex are awaiting mediation. My ex had been paying Maintenance payments direct to me using the guidlines of the government calculator. I qualify to receive legal aid, he doesn't. He has told me that by law he can stop the maintenance payments direct to me for the children in order to pay his costs for mediation, is this true?

daddy 8 May 2018

Hi,I haven't seen my kids for 3 months now,i have a 2 year old and a 3 year old,I attended MIAM first session 2 months ago but the mediator told me my ex didn't want to mediate and wanted to apply for her own residency order,how does she apply if she hasn't got the signed form from mediation? Or will the mediator have still given her the order form? Thanks

blueeye 2 May 2018

i am in a tricky one, i split from my ex of 13 years 18months ago we have 4 children, my problem is not seeing them it is that the ex does not take them back or meet at agreed times, playing havoc with my work. I would be willing to try mediation but cannot imagine she would be amenable to a mutually beneficial agreement. Is there any official way of structuring visitation? I would seek shared custody, allowing me to continue working the half of the week that they are with their mother if I could guarantee she would go along with the arrangement. Any ideas?

Nicola 29 Mar 2018

My cousin ex is denying him from seeing his son what is the next step

SeparatedDads Editor 23 Mar 2018

You would have to go through mediation and if you are not satisfied with any agreement reached, then you would have the option to apply to court. Please see link, here for more information.

Seb 22 Mar 2018

Me and my ex partner have been separated for about 3 years, I have always been able to see my son every weekend. Last year she moved 120 miles away, I still travelled the distance so that I could still see my son. Since Christmas she has now said that she won't let me see my son unless there is a court order in place or we go through mediation. What is the best route to take?

SeparatedDads Editor 23 Jan 2018

Your only recourse would be to refer the matter back to court for a variation to the order, due to the change in circumstances. If you have parental responsibility, your ex should have requested permission from you to move from the area. Any changes to a contact order must be agreed by both parties. One party cannot unilaterally decide to change the order or apply additional terms. If they wish to do so, they should refer the matter back to the courts. In the first instance, you may wish to suggest mediation again, or a solicitor's letter stating your mutual agreement to share the journey (because of her decision to make changes to the order by moving from the area) and if the shared pick-up and drop-off is not reinstated you intend to refer the matter back to court. It doesn't matter that the address was not stated, your ex is not going to lie in court about having moved. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put your child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order.

Will 22 Jan 2018

Hi there Me and my ex partner have been split for just over 2 years. We used to live together in the Swindon area and between us we have a four year old son. When we split I moved an hour away to the Worcestershire area to rebuild my life. The arrangements was that I see once a day every week. It worked for a while but she soon put a stop to it. Me and my new partner then decided to apply for a court order for routine access to it which needed to go through mediation first which we did but my ex never showed up to it. The court agreed that I have him every other weekend and alternative Mondays and to be collected and dropped off to and from his home address. She got together with a new partner and then moved from Wiltshire to the Surrey area of Guildford which from my home address is over 3 hours away. We agreed to meet halfway for my access but now she is refusing this and says we have to revert back to the court agreement and for me to collect him from his “home address” in Guildford. The court order was put in place in the Wiltshire area but doesn’t actually state an address for me to collect him so does she have any rights to use the court order in the way she is or not! It’s a very long journey for me to collect him and bring him back and I’m wondering if there is anything I can do about this?

Sean 17 Dec 2017

I split up from my partner March this year, which she ended the relationship as it was my fault gambling behind her back which I shouldn’t of done an should of got help. We have 3 beautiful daughters and I’ve been seeing them every fortnight an having them that weekend. But now it’s got worse I think my ex is still using it against me that I ruined everything, she currently has a boyfriend an says she’s happy in her life but now has stopped me seeing the girls just before Christmas and said I have to go through court to have them and if the courts agree to me seeing them then she’s gonna go through social services an say I’m not a fit parent to my girls and basically ruin any chance I have with them. She knows the girls are my life and at the moment I’m holding strong but if this did go to court an she made me out to be this monster that I’m not I’m scared I’ll lose them for good, she also knows it will be hard for me to pay for all this. All I think about is the girls not having a relationship with me an there faces when I’m not there to pick them up. When we had our divorce come through we both agreed the past is the past an the girls are what matter but all of a sudden I’m getting blamed that I’m feeding my daughters heads with lies that she is to blame for the break up, I don’t discuss anything with the girls about that and it was me to blame anyway through gambling. I’m thinking about mediation but with us both in same room she won’t let that work without kicking off

SeparatedDads Editor 13 Nov 2017

It may be worth consenting to mediation so that you can both attempt to resolve the issue through agreement. As both of you are parents, you both (in theory) have an equal say on the upbringing of your child. If you do not agree to trying to come to a workable arrangement via mediation, your ex will have the opportunity to apply to court, which will take the matter out of your hands. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. If your ex chooses to take the matter to court for consideration and a court order is put in place, you will then have to abide by this order whether you agree to it or not.

Soph 11 Nov 2017

My son is 2 and a half lives full time with me but has contact with his dad one day every weekend he has been with his new partner for 4 months and now wants more access and for him to sleep over I don't want this to happen because relationship hasn't been long enough am I well within my rights am only thinking about my son he gets upset when daddy leaves or just doesn't turn up my ex wants us to go to meadation but I won't change my mind on sleeping him over until he can say he wants to himself , he doesn't sleep very well at all even at home in his own bed .

Charlie 26 Sep 2017

I have a 10 month old son who my ex controls all contact. I am a smoker and was when we met. I have been reducing my smoking by using patches. Since my son was born my ex has had her parents take him to their place through the day till late evening even if I’m off work. She says that I have to work upto having him all day and that I can’t have him over night because she is breast feeding. She also says she will be Breast feeding till he is 2. However she only breast feeds in the morning and at night on days that she works. On these days he gets formula and solids. So I said I could give him formula and solids on my days off and have my son. My ex refuses and only lets me see him a couple hours here and there at her discretion. This situation is tearing me apart. My ex refuses to let me have him all day despite me using patches and never smoking anywhere near him. Additionally after smoking I change my outer clothes wash and don’t pick him up for an hour (ex partners rules). Her parents go along with everything she says and encourage it. This situation has resulted in me being signed off work for the first time ever. What really hurts is knowing that not seeing my son regularly is having an effect on our bond and my ex doesn’t care at all. It appears that it’s about control, she has even started lying about everything to paint herself in a good light and accused me of having an affair. Any advice would be welcome as I feel like I’m banging my head off a wall constantly

H 13 Sep 2017

I am about to start family mediation and I was wondering if my child is allowed to see their Dad during this process?

SeparatedDads Editor 21 Aug 2017

Child access and child maintenance have no bearing on each other. This means, regardless of whether you see your child or not, as your child's father you are still responsible by law for contributing towards his day-to-day financial needs. If you stop paying and are paying via CMS, you will be liable to pay arrears.

SeparatedDads Editor 21 Aug 2017

If you have both explored mediation previously and you either cannot come to an agreement, or the agreement has for some reason broken down, then your ex will be allowed to apply directly to court.

Enough is enough 20 Aug 2017

If I am being told I cannot see my son at all until mediation is complete. What do I do with the money I give every month. She gets all the benifit an my money is extra. It was an agreement thru the csw always paid no problem. But I don't wish to if I am being blocked from seeing my child 100% of the child. Just wonder where I stand if I stop paying.

Amyz 19 Aug 2017

I'm just looking for some advise my son dad not seen him since he was 9 weeks old ( now 3) we been to mediation and I am trying to contact him and his family about some contact but they are not responding to any off my calls texts .. I just wondered as he said he will go to court if contact is offered through mediation can he refuse this and apply for contact through court thanks

Ste Editor 18 Jul 2017

@Kitty - if a court issued an order for you to see your son in a contact centre, then you are effectively banned from having unsupervised contact, so your ex can put these restrictions in place :(

Kitty 16 Jul 2017

Can my ex stop me seeing my son while he is in hospital as she told staff in hospital so they aren't letting me in to see my son they is nothing in place from court banning me from having contact with my kids and also I get visits with my children once a week but have pay £20 pounds each time I see them in a centre it meant be someone from mediation so is this true and do mediation keep money .

SeparatedDads Editor 19 Jun 2017

Much depends on whether you and your ex agree to this and/or whether your ex decides not to allow your son to come on the specific days your partner is due to care for him. While she can try to stop the arrangement, your own recourse would be to suggest mediation and if she refused, take the matter to court. Court is always seen as the last option and your ex would have to give good reason for not allowing your current partner to take care if your son when you were not around. If she cannot, then a court order would be put in place allowing this arrangement to continue. However, court is stressful and can be emotionally fraught with no guarantee it would go in your favour. Therefore, mutual agreement and negotiation around an issue is always preferred.

B 18 Jun 2017

Hi My ex partner thinks she can dictate who can see or have access to my son when he's with me. Ie. I have my son Friday till Tuesday but have to do some shifts Saturday and Sunday. So my current partner would look after him, he is happy with this arrangement. Can the ex stop me from doing this?

SeparatedDads Editor 26 Apr 2017

Mediation takes place in front of a neutral third party. The mediator has no pre-conceptions and will not force you to make an agreement. They will assist the two parties in taking turns in the conversation, and helping you reach a decision that you are ready to agree with. Mediators do not pass judgment or offer guidance; they are there, in effect, to facilitate conversation between the two sides. If you disagree with the report you do not have to accept it. However, if the mediation process breaks down, then your ex will have the opportunity to take the matter to court and the court will decide what it thinks is in the best interests of your child/children. Obviously, our advice is only rudimentary we have no idea of the circumstances of your background situation other than the few sentences of information you have imparted to us. If your solicitor thinks your ex has a good chance of gaining shared-care if the matter goes to court, then this may be why he/she advised you to accept the agreement. Therefore, you may wish to speak to your mediator/ solicitor again directly regarding this matter to see what your options are.

Just me 25 Apr 2017

Hello We were just done with very stressful 2 months of mediation. The agent presented the report last week. I do find it not too objective and fair regarding different facts. Can I file to be refised or ask for another mediator? My lawer pretty much tell me that there is nothing much we can do and my ex will get his 50.50 custody, which I feel is not fair. Thank you!

Deb 9 Mar 2017

Six months ago I went to mediation with my ex to make a new visitation agreement. We both came to an agreement & signed with our lawyers present. 6 months later he is still not signing the final copy to be filed with the court. His lawyer says they are reviewing it still? What are my options?

SeparatedDads Editor 14 Feb 2017

If you cannot sort it out via mediation, then your ex will have to apply through court if she will not agree. However, if she applies to court, as your children are now older their opinion will be taken into consideration by the judge. The courts will always decide upon what it thinks is in the best interests of your children.

SeparatedDads Editor 14 Feb 2017

Attend mediation. Neither of you have breached the order, therefore it is a matter of you trying to resolve any issues you have. However, if your ex has parental responsibility, he is allowed the responsibility to find someone to care for his children on the times when he has them (unless the order specifies otherwise).

Dombcfc 13 Feb 2017

My separated wife wants mediation to sort out access to our children. She walked on all of us. The children 10 and 14 only want to see her two nights every week but my separated wife wants them to be with her 3 overnights a week. She is not listening to what the children want. How will mediation sort this out

K 13 Feb 2017

Hi. Me and my ex had a 10 month court battle with it resulting in. The children are to live with me and are not allowed oit of my region. With him having the children every 2 weeks for 2 nights. Ect. A couple weekends ago his misses messaged me and dropped my ex init that on Saturday and Sunday morning he will be at collage doing his course. So with that I said well would he like to leave having the kids till weekend after. He said no and went crazy. I asked what time he would be finished as he could pick them up on way back from course take them for a good few hours and bring them back for bed time. He could do that Saturday and sunday if he wanted but he got his knickers in a twist and said no not atall... Next thing I know I have mediation calling me... Help

DEE DEE 10 Feb 2017

My daughter and her ex attended mediation in September to make a new visitation agreement. The mediation went well and they were able to agree on a visitation agreement with lawyers present and signed. Five months after the mediation he has yet to sign the final copy that will go to the judge to be filed. Every time something in the agreement is not to his liking he calls his lawyer to make changes to the September agreement. How long can this go on and what are her choices for getting the mediated agreement signed?

Chinky 22 Jan 2017

My husband and his aunt is charged with 498a. Thus i filed a maintanance petition for maintanance for me and my 2.5 year old daughter. In the court mediation session took place.. in that we happened to reach in an agreement. I agreed him to visit daughter for 4 hours at an open ground.. grounds name is mentioned and meeting time is also mentioned.. but he and his family came and took my 2.5 year old daughter to some other place.. i dont know the place.. this is against our agreement.. they came back and gave back child at the mentioned ground on time.. What should i do now.. should go for case again...? Is there any rule that he can take child to anywhere he want at his visitorial time?

Rose 27 Dec 2016

Hi I have divorce over a year now from my ex husband my son is 11 yrs old .he was living with me .last June he went down for fathers day my ex husband refuse to send him back to me contact the police they said he done nothing wrong because we both can keep the boy because there is no court order in place he refused for my son to talk to me or for me to see.him .please advice me what to do he still living in our house I move out he refused to paid the mortgage I have to still paying for the house .in September this year he went and get married and what to bring this woman over to live in the house I'm paying for .

SeparatedDads Editor 11 Nov 2016

Your partner may wish to seek legal advice regarding whether he would now be able to apply to court on the basis that his ex is stalling the procedure.

Hopeful 10 Nov 2016

My partner has been refused access to his child, despite making regular maintenance payments and continually asking for contact. He's been to the first MIAM meeting. The child's mother has been invited, but has contacted him to say she can't make an appointment until next year - what options do we have from here? Do we have to wait until it's convenient for her? (I am worried that this is another attempt to drag things out, as she has broken promises over previous commitments) What's our best option?

SeparatedDads Editor 26 Sep 2016

I'm afraid it is a different matter if the non-resident parent refuses to see their child, as a court cannot or will not enforce this, meaning if your ex refuses to see your child, there is very little you can do.

Maud76 25 Sep 2016

So...why can't I find info and advice???? I'm taking my childs FATHER to mediation ,divorce pending,as he won't see her but makes all the promises. The only advice I can find is for fathers fighting to see there children. Feels very lonely right now!!!

SeparatedDads Editor 26 Apr 2016

It depends whether your husband's ex allows this. Mediation is a voluntary process and his ex can make the decision whether she wants to attend or not. Therefore, it would be her decision if she wanted to allow you into the discussion.

Wife 25 Apr 2016

Hi, my husband is currently going through mediation with his ex partner over their child, I'm just wondering if I allowed to attend the mediation sessions? As a support to my husband and also as this is effecting my life also as she's using me as a part of the reason she has stopped us having my stepchild. I don't want to make the situation worse, but my husband and I would like me to be able to be involved in the process if I can, thanks.

Helcatamy 26 Feb 2016

Hi my partners ex disappeared with his 2 little girls and she won't say where they are; he needs to get access and I understand that until mediation is tried we can't put into the court to get access? How can we get her to attend mediation when we can't contact her? She just is interested in money and nothing else, every time we give her more (through the CMS) she tries to get even more and we don't have it-she's full of lies and all he wants is to see the kids. As she is so unreasonable could we apply straight to court or is it better to get a private investigator to find out her address and try to get her to mediation? Thanks for the advice!

Lady k 19 Jan 2016

Hi my friend is in prison for life he has a 9 year old son who he was regularly seeing until hi ex couldn't be bothered to take him anymore they no longer speak but is there any advice you could give me to pass on to him please he's desperate for access

SeparatedDads Editor 8 Jan 2016

Please see link: Applying for Custody: Court Procedure, here. This will run through what the court considers when a non-resident parent applies for custody. If you are on good terms with your ex, then perhaps you could discuss your concern for the people she has around your son. Mediation is also an option and the courts will have expected you to have explored of offered this option to your ex before it will allow an application. I hope this helps.

Gaffer 7 Jan 2016

Ive been split up for a few years now with my ex. I am wondering what my rights are regarding who lives or aound my son. She is freinds with violent people and her choice of men to come stay is becoming worrying for meand for the safety of my 7 year son. Her latest boyfreind is the pinnacle he is aviolent criminal who use hard drugs and just come out of prison .Thou i dont think he would harm kids. He has hurt robbed and stole from alot of people . I know for a fact that a gang of London gansters are looking for him with wapons wantin to kill him .I hope to god my son isnt there at that time . Ihave been there for my son from day dot i pay my way and see him friday to sunday every weekend it would be more if it wasnt for her actions and associates . I work full time but now i fear for my sons safety. I want custody of my son. Plese help

ex stay at home dad 28 Dec 2015

HI there. I am having a few issues with my wife (divorce pending) regarding shared parenting or shared access. I have suggested that i would like to see my daughter 3 days a week ( before my split i used to be a stay at home dad, was primary care giver and spent 14 hours a day nurturing our child) I have a strong relationship with our child and don't want that to diminish just because we are no longer married. My wife wants to go through mediation to "see what is in the best interests for our child" I really don't think that there is any need for mediation due to the fact that when our child is with me she is cared for, loved and nourished both physically and emotionally. I was "getting" to see my daughter 3 days a week but now my wife wants to change this and make us go through mediation. I have a fairly ok relationship with my wife, i don't cause any problems and will jump through as many hoops that she makes me jump through, however i find it increasingly difficult to bow to her demands just because she thinks that she can measure solely what is in the best interests of our child. I have read lots of literature regarding the benefits of shared access/parenting I have tried broaching the topic many times but it falls on deaf ear (she says it will affect our daughter all the toing and froing). but surely not seeing me or indeed having limited access to me will only cause to be detrimental to our daughters emotional wellbeing. to further add to the complexity of the situation my wife is having treatment for mental health issues and seems to be erratic in her decision making. Im at a total loss as to what to do. do i have any rights?

SeparatedDads Editor 22 Sep 2015

It sounds like you may not be based in the UK. If not, I'm afraid we can't answer your question as we only deal with UK-based family law. However, if you are based in the UK, you would have to make the drop off and pick up arrangements mutually. You could go through mediation (non official) or apply for a court order to have the arrangements made official. If your ex didn't fulfil the terms of the order, you could take it back to court for breach.

Mads 22 Sep 2015

Good Day Could you please assist. My daughter visits her dad that stays in a different Province then us, and i need to know were he will be with her and what time he will collect and drop her off again. I have asked in the past that he lets me know what time he will drop her off and then if he is late i normally sent a message asking if there are something wrong but no reply and then when she is dropped off i asked in the past that he be responsible and let me know if they will be late as i do worry, and yes his reply was "piss off" So now my question can i insist on what time he can collect and drop her off?

Bigboy 2 Jul 2015

I live interstate to my daughter I had moved way before I found out she was pregnant ever since my daughter was born I have struggled to deal with her mother she doesn't care if I have a realationship with my daughter all she cares about is how much money she can get out of me as I own my own business she has requested reevaluation of my wage 3 times now . I normally fly up there every 6 weeks to see her which I can't have my daughter on my own her mother always has to come n I always have to fund for her on the activities that we do she constantly asks me for extra money n when I decline she refuses me to see her. N threatens to call the police if I just rock up to there house she has prevented me 3 times now after I have already booked my flights I just want to know what I can do n see what my options are as I live interstate n can't exactly have her every second weekend

SeparatedDads Editor 22 Jun 2015

@rob - if you have exhausted the mediation service and you an your ex can't come to an agreement, then court is the next move if you want to apply for regular contact with your child. The downside to mediation is that, while it may cost less than a court case, whatever agreements are made through mediation are not legally binding and can be renaged upon without any repercusisons. However, if you take it through the courts, you can apply for an official contact order which means it is legally binding and anything that does not comply with the order is a breach and may be punishable. Perhaps this is the reason why she may not wish to go through the courts - however you are entitled to take this route, should you wish. I have included a link to The Different Types of Court Orders here. I hope this helps

rob 19 Jun 2015

i need help been to mediation for over 1yr i want more visits with my daughter and want to go to court my ex is refusing can i still apply ,im a good father and when i have my daughter we have fun time which she loves ,she is 5 what do i do

Kirst 15 Jun 2015

It looks like my partner will have to go to mediation with his ex. And i was wondering was I able to go to mediation with him as we live together and have a child together to discuss areangements on having his child?

Philboy 19 May 2015

Need advice on mediation as me and my ex partner has split we have a one year old daughter between us.. We have been split for 8months I was having access to seeing my little girl until I told my ex that I was seeing someone new she told me that if I wanted to see my daughter again I'd have to go through court since then she has blocked me from facebook and whatsapp plus changed her phone number so I have no contact with her at all.... How do I get mediation started off

SeparatedDads Editor 29 Apr 2015

@Talg - I'm not sure I really understand your question. However, if he is not on the birth certificate, then he does not have parental responsibility and therefore he has no say. If he wanted to take it to court he would have to apply for parental responsibility and also apply for a 'specific issue order'. I have included a link to what parental responsibility means here. I hope this helps.

Talg 26 Apr 2015

Hi my lil boys potentional father wants to see a solicitor about a fan I've been told that he can only have one if I give permission as he is not on the birth certificate what r the chances of him being able to take me to court I have not stopped him having contact

Daddys Boys 28 Oct 2014

Ok... I am having a nightmare with my ex at the moment. I have 2 children one of whom is autistic and she switches contact off and on like a tap. This is having a major affect on my sons mental health which her and her very selfish family are oblivious to. She had a fling recently which meant access was great for me because although I am their dad, to her I was a babysitter on tap. Unfortunately that has ended and now I am getting the old abuse about seeing a tart (she even as my 6 year old son asking if the tart is at my house) So there is no contact again. Anyway times are hard right now but I am attending a self made mediation appointment tomorrow so fingers crossed. One last thing..For want of sounding rude there are plenty of sights where women vent off about us can I ask why women are commenting on a page for dads?

twinkle 7 Oct 2014

I split with my partner whilst pregnant after he tried to ban me from injecting myself with insulin as I was diagnosed whilst pregnant with diabetes. He then said he wanted me to give him the baby when it was born so he could give it to his parents to raise. When I refused he told me to get an abortion. I refused he then made threats that when the baby was born he was going to take the baby and not allow me any contact. My partner sent texts messages calling me abusive names (I have these texts). When I fell pregnant my partner started going to the pub on a more regular basis and was then driving whilst drunk to my house on a weekly basis (I have texts conversations where we argue about him doing this he admits in the texts to doing it). He has 4 convictions for drink driving and one for driving whilst disqualified he only got his license back after the last conviction 18 months ago. He refused to stop smoking around me whilst I was pregnant and insisted that it would not cause harm to the baby if he continued to smoke around it once it was born. I suffered 3 threatened miscarriages and not once did he attend the hospital with me for the scans to see if I had miscarried and he refused to do anything to help me, he told me his mother was going to have a go at me when she see me as I was out of order asking him for help. When we split he refused to contribute towards anything that would be needed for when the baby was born said he wasnt wasting his money on a baby. 12 weeks into the pregnancy my ex told me that he wanted to reconcile and that he would allow me to inject the insulin if I agreed to do what all druggies do and inject myself in the toilet. I refused and told him I did not want to reconcile to which he text me saying then that he would have to hurt himself (I have this text message). I was advised by my midwife to notify the police of these threats which I done. Then he got himself a new partner and they both started phoning me whilst drunk in the early hours of the morning to call me abusive names and making threats to take my baby and not allow me to ever see it. This was also reported to the police, to which they were then advised not to contact me again and that all future contact regarding the baby was to be done via a solicitor. I received a letter from his solicitor a month after my son was born, my ex had even informed his solicitor of the wrong due date. Since then I have again had to call the police as he started to send text messages again. My baby is now nearly 18 weeks old and my ex hasn't seen him yet, he wants access. I have agreed to him having supervised access 2 hours a week at my parents house. He has asked if he can bring one of his parents as he would feel uncomfortable to which I have agreed to his father attending. I am not agreeing to his mother due to the threats made towards me whilst I was pregnant, I am not prepared to let her have a go at me in front of my son. We are now having to atte

kitty 3 Oct 2014

i have a son with an ex we had an agreement for him seeing our son i married and we were getting on well he has a new partner and he is now wanting to change our agreement our son is 9 and hates going to his dads but i want him to see him he want our son more i am happy with our agreement and he is moving in with his lass and they are having a baby and she hasa14 year old girl there is no were for our son to sleep so our son wish not to spend the night i need to know if he would get what he wants when there no were for him to stay

jack Editor 2 Jun 2014

@jo I think you're being more than reasonable with your ex. If he does take you to court the judge will see this. You've not denied any access and have put measures in place for him to see his kids' on a regular basis and you do all the travelling. He is being unreasonable by asking any more of you and is just being petty by saying he wants to go to court.

Jo 31 May 2014

My husband and I spilt 2 months ago after 5 years of mental abuse (which he still Denys). He left as our relationship had become impossible and was affecting the children. He now has a flat and has asked for access to the children on a Tuesday after school and a Thursday he also has them Sunday afternoon. All of which I have agreed to. I take and pick them up. He does not pick them up at all. He is now after more access when he likes so no planning or structure. I have In turn offered every other weekend with 2 sleeps and asked when he would like them in the holidays. He is now also threatening me with court and mediation. Please can you advise if I should be doing more or anything else.

Leah 28 May 2014

I need to arrange an appointment for a mediator to discuss arrangements ad orders for visitation of my children. I have tried reasoning with partner but cannot get through to him. My son needs counselling and e refuses to entertain the struggle he is facing. My 14 year old is staying with dad ad since this has happened is aggression and temper has become a cause for concern.

emma1054 22 Feb 2014

thought it was a good place to look, myself and my ex husband had come to the agreement of our daughter would stay over on a saturday night at his flat, but now i found out after he had picked up that he has now moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 children. the girlfriend in question was a friend of mine and the children go to the same school and the situation isn't the best because of course the children talk sometimes not getting the full story and can upset my daughter.I don't know what to do for the best, stop my daughter from going, carry on like it is but without overnight stays or do nothing, I know my daughter is uneasy about going to her house but does because her friends are their.i think everything is going far to quick for my daughter to take it in as it was only 7 months that he was here for him to move out on his own to move in with the girlfriend. Any advice would be very much appreciated

twinies 15 Oct 2013

my son recently split with his partner they have a 20 month old little girl.The problem is he cant see her as often as he would like his ex wont allow her to stay over and if he brings her to visit us 90miles away he has to have her back at 7pm.He gets home from work around 6pm depending on traffic but is not allowed to see her then either.He finds it hard as where he saw her on a daily basis its now once a week if hes lucky.What are his rights and what can he expect?

fayerye 29 Apr 2013

Hi just wondering if anyone can help me , my son father is threating to take me to court to see him , but the problem is he has just walked back into his life after being in prison for 2 year and my son is only 2 1/2 years of age and use to see his dad every weekend at my mothers house then he didnt want my partner there so my partner stayed out the way then he didnt want my family there so that happen now he doesnt want me there which aint gonna happen considering he has only been in his life for 3 month and my son is hard work and he would never know to approch him if he goes into one of his rages , my son has a speech problem so gets frustrated very easy he only started saying he is taking me to court when he got with his girlfriend who I dont know and he doesnt really know her he has only been with her a few month and want to play happy families with my son he has had so many chances now im very angry at him please help me

J 3 Jul 2012

Hi, i am a father and am having some worries as of late. My son's mother and I split up some months ago, and havent had the best relationship since. i am very active in my son's life (he is two) and I generally have no problems when I ask to pick him up and have him for x amount of time. Recently, my son's mother texted me and told me she was leaving for a few days with my son, very vague details. I said sure, and asked her where just for the simle fact that I would like to know where my son will be if she is taking him somehwere for a few days. She has refused to tell me where she is taking him and I'm not sure why but it has worried me. I need to know what actions I can take to remedy this problem, because this is not ok. Are there any legal actions i can take? We are unmarried by the way. Any advice or help is appreciated. Thank you.

MrsB1 2 Jul 2012

I split with my sons dad when my son was 18 months old,he is now 9 years oldx. I was never married to his father, however we did obtain a joint parental responsibilty order through the courts and he still goes to stay with hi sfather every other wknd from fri eve to sunday eve, and just on the sunday the following week. It has come to light that my sion rarely stays with his dad, instead he stays with his paternal grandparents all the time and his dad visits him there. His dad rarely picks or drops my son off, again its my exes mum that does that. My son has come back very hungry and fed up when his dad has "looked after him" and the other day my son came home saying some very worrying things such as his dad grabbed him by the neck and hurt him. His dad is a scary man and I went through domestic violenece with him, is there any way I can stop contact or have supervised visits only? I would like his joint parental responsibilty to end too as he is not living up to his responsibilities , he doesn't even tell me when he is out of work and can't pay the maintenance. Any advice will be much appreciated.

Wanda 25 Jun 2012

This is really only going to work where both parties are will to talk and compromise. That's not true in all situations. But it's worth trying for the sake of the kids. Remember, they see both sides and often hear them, too. The simpler and less awful you can make it for them, the better it is; after all, even if you two can't live together any more, you both want the best for them, don't you? You need to suppress your ego to ensure they have the best.

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