Author:
Chris Nickson
As anyone experiencing it can tell you, being a separated dad is far from easy. There are issues to deal with, whether they’re emotional, legal or Financial. You can do it alone, and many have, but it’s much easier if you can find support, whether it’s just someone to talk to about the way you feel or aid through the labyrinth of bureaucracy. Thankfully, there are a growing number of organisations that can help you.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by the legal aspects of separation, a good starting point is our free Rights Checker.
The Main Organisations
Families Need Fathers (www.fnf.org.uk) – this organisation works with lone parents of both sexes. It has booklets and pamphlets that can help you as a separated father, as well as a parenting plan and workshops with trained facilitators. Although a political organisation in part (it has a presence at all three party conferences), its focus is on individuals. It’s £35 a year to join (FNF is a registered charity), but that offers access to many more options. There is also a helpline open to anyone.
The Centre for Separated Families (www.separatedfamilies.info) – The Centre for Separated Families is a national charity. They work with everyone affected by family separation in order to bring about better outcomes for children. Their services are available to parents who are sharing care, those who are caring for their children alone, those who are not able to spend time with their children, grandparents, carers or anyone else with concerns about family separation. You can visit their website or contact them directly via email: advice@separatedfamilies.org.uk
Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) – this is one of the most useful resources, with local branches throughout the country. The CAB offers educated advice on many topics of concern to separated fathers, from housing and council tax to legal and emotional issues, as well as helping you find support groups in your area.
National Association of Child Contact Centres (www.naccc.org.uk) – if for some reason you have nowhere to realistically spend time with your children, it’s worth contacting the National Association of Child Contact Centres. They support over 300 of these centres in England, Wales and Northern Ireland which all offer a safe place for you to spend time with your children. It’s not quite the same as being at home or other activities, but they strive to make a warm, comfortable atmosphere for everyone with plenty of activities.
The Shared Parenting Information Group (www.spig.clara.net) – this is an excellent resource, especially when the world of shared parenting is new to you. There are plans and advice to help you find your way.
Gingerbread (www.gingerbread.org.uk) – offers a variety of free services, from pamphlets of information that you might find useful to a phone advice line. It can also put you in touch with others in similar situations or help you form a group in your area.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
Emotional Support
Inevitably, there will be times you feel down, especially after a visit with your children, and you’ll need to talk to someone. Sometimes friends simply aren’t enough and you need to talk to someone who can be objective, who can offer useful insights and advice.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk) – can help you find a strongly accredited therapist local to you. Going for counselling can seem like a big step, but many have found regular sessions very helpful in adjusting to new lives and situations, and working through anger, grief and frustration.
The Samaritans (www.samaritans.org.uk) – if you feel particularly desperate, get in touch with the Samaritans (tel 08457 90 90 90). This is a volunteer group who’ve helped many over the years, especially those with suicidal urges. The advisors are non-judgemental and willing to listen 24 hours a day.
Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Parental Alienation Checker lets you check for signs of parental alienation and get guidance on next steps. Takes 2 minutes. Try it now →
I moved back to Sheffield in January 2023 , back to my parents , my old room , and literally feel deflated , depressed , overwhelmed. My old friends have all moved on , I did manage to get a job within 2 weeks , but all I do is go to work , come home and sit in my room, I'm 49. My daughter has come over already from US for a week , and all though I'm overjoyed to see her , she goes home Saturday and all that separation anxiety will come back and basically I'm having to start again. Just feel lost....
I've only in the last 5 months had this time, before that it was for 2 hours in a contact centre once every 2 weeks.
I am really happy to be spending more time with my children but it breaks my heart everytime I have to say goodbye to them.
How do others cope with this part ?
The judge in RCJ and family central court have not allowed to see neither to speak with my 2 daughters from 7 and half months.
I was representing myself in the court.
I badly need your assistance and advice.
Thank you.
Kind Regards,
I literally don't know what i can do and if there is anyone or any place i can get help with? Otherwise I will be living on the street - that will then mean I wont have anywhere to take my children and that for me is life over!! Dont know if i can cope again without seeing and being with them as well as being homeless and with no pot of money what so ever.
This is really getting me worried and anxious. ANY help or advise would be very appreciated.
Thanks
I seperated from my ex in October, it was a toxic relationship. She was lazy and ordered me about costantly and I did all I could to keep the family together in the hope we would get stronger. After all the exhaustion I became depressed and mentally ill due to being so tired and all the arguing. My ex met someone after a month and he lived 2hr 30min away. In February she told me she wants to go live with him. I didn't agree with my daughter moving away. I seeked mediation and she moved straight away. All the handovers were horrific and my daughter screamed when returning back to her mum to a point where she hit her mum. This is not my daughter and this really upset me. My ex said this is normal for seperation and if she's happy then my daughter will be happy. I took her to court and the judge didn't like what she had done and ordered my daughter to be returned to me. My mum moved in with me to help with morning drop offs to nursery. My ex then made a counter appeal and we have a hearing on 20th aug to decide where my daughter starts school and lives. My ex, her partner and her sister have all made allegations against me, some true and some false. I'm so worried for my daughter if they favour my ex and know my ex will make things hard and deprive me from things. My daughter is spending 2 weeks with my ex at the moment as we are sharing summer holidays. My daughter facetimed me the other day and straight away said me and mummy live in Northampton. When my daughter facetimed yesterday she didn't really want to speak and said I gotta go now. I'm worried that my ex is twisting her mind and now really worried for our future together if she is to stay there. I love my daughter so much and she means everything to me. Coping is hard at the moment
Me and my ex have a custody agreement that we outlined without any external help. 2 years later I want to adjust it as I have my 2 on Saturdays but I work in retail and have to work. My ex is at Uni and has every Saturday off. I have been through mediation and I currently talk to her through a solicitor. It's been 9 months since I asked her to look at this.
I recently sent an email saying that I would be changing the agreement and that she has 4 weeks notice to make any changes she needs to make.
Will this negatively effect me or as there is no court order is there anything she can do?
I am not sure what to do, I split with my ex over around 18 months ago, we have a 3 year old and things were fine to start with, however recently since being with my new partner (around 6 months) my ex has changed. I work full time Monday to Friday and every other Saturday, I have my little one every Wednesday after work I pick her up from 6pm-6:30pm and I drop her home at 9pm (she also has school every day) When I am not working on the weekend I pick my little one up from work again around 6pm-6:30pm and I drop her home on a Sunday at 4pm, when I am working I pick her up from work around 1:30pm-2pm and again drop her home on a Sunday at 4pm. However when my ex has needed my little one to be picked up earlier I have always tried and organised this to help my ex (my mum would pick her up when my ex needed to have her) however recently my ex has gotten worse, when I am stuck in traffic (but still make it for 6:30) I have had her screaming down the phone and demanding I have my little one on a week day until 10pm even though she has school, she had even gone to the extent of leaving my daughter at my place or work while I am working which has fork lifts vans etc and very dangerous and walked away when it was not my time to have her. My ex always wants an argument with me and it is just getting worse. I want to see my little one as much as I can/as possible but I work full time and as it is have her more than I can. Who can I contact to help stop this, to put things into place where do I go from here? Please help. Thank you
My two boys are getting older (oldest is 8 in a couple if weeks and youngest 4) and they are starting to get frustrated with their mother. My oldest is particularly frustrated with the mess at home and that he is always late for school and he was kepting of almost 1 day a week last year for no reason.
While I don't expect the court system to consider what is in the best of interest of my children (due to the unwritten rule they have that mums should have the children unless they are homeless are they a caught having an overdose.)
My question is when their frustrations with their mum gets to much and they ask to stay with me. Am I now in a worse position to let them stay just because I got a court order to ensure I see them and for my safety?
I have split with my ex the first year went great I was seeing my kids then once she had a new baby she tried cutting me out my kids lives but I've taken her to court and won my access back but the problem is over this time she as put my kids in activities so it mess with my weekend
My ex now lives a hour and half away and I have to do all the driving to get my kids but when I pick them up on a Friday I have to stay in the area till 8pm so my little girl can do one of these activities but my ex as now changed the date of another activity to the Saturday so she now saying I have to drive there and back Friday then there and back Saturday then there and back Sunday to drop them off but I have refused to do this and said I won't take her to the Saturday one as it's not fair on me having to do that drive and also I have my son to think of aswel as I'd have to drag him all over with me so when do I get to spend any proper time with then both as all my time with them would just be driving and not being able to take them anywhere nice for the weekend
Am I in the wrong refusing to take her
I seperated from my ex partner before our daughter was born nearly 2 years ago. While the seperation and distance made things awkward and emotionally difficult, she did come back into my life with the promise of me being an involved father. We met again when our daughter was just 2 weeks old and I was present for the reg of birth. We had 6 testing but equally wonderful months, where I became as involved as I could, and my daughter had built a wonderful bond with me. As time moved on and I entered a new relationship, the visits went from her stopping overnight with our daughter to me having her alone for our first weekend, and a working parental agreement was in place. This all then ceased to work for the mother, and she backed out of everything before the agreement could be made legally binding. I have since taken her to court and am now in the proccess of getting a child arrangements order. However since being summoned to court, the mother sought legal advice and made some very serious false allegations of domestic abuse, which has led the case down the criminal route. The court has granted me access via supervised contact centre, though she made this awkward by delaying and cancelling a previsit. Finding of fact is in March, got a very very long way to go. 109days since I last saw my daughter, the bond has unfortunately gone and the proccess is painfully slow. Feeling increasingly alone and despairing of the situation and what may lie ahead.
1) Am I eligible to get indefinite visa now as I was ordered to do 40 hours unpaid work in January 2017?
2) If I am not eligible for indefinite then in that case is there any way that I can stay in the UK based on the facts that I have lived in the UK for around 4 years and 5 months, I have a son born in the UK and I am doing tax paid job since Jan 2015 till now.
My question is this..... is she allowed to do this ? My son has PR and the birth certificate states is surname that of his dad. I would be grateful for any help or advice.
Unfortunately, in the last 4 weeks my wife has become a different person and is very difficult to deal with in terms of moving forward. For the first week after divorce, she left the property on 4 occasions(twice more to commit adultery) before the children were even in bed and spent the entire weekend away from them. Although I loved my alone time with the boys(4&5), I felt this was not the correct way a mother behaves. After going to the doctors and advising them that my wife had recently smacked our boys a referral to social services happened and my wife was referred to the doctors. Miraculously she came out of this advising me that both the doctors and social services were now under the impression it was my fault.
Things calmed down for a few days until she started an online relationship with a man. She has been neglecting our children and their care whilst I have been in work and spends 16 hours a day on the internet and my children have now not really spent a day out with her in a month.
She had self harmed(for attention) with them in the house and this was reported but again she managed to talk her way out of the situation. Things came to a head this week. On Tuesday, after speaking with a solicitor I broached the subject of mediation again. At 7pm, she said she needed space to think about it which I was happy with. She left the property and did not return until 3am having spent the night at another mans house. During this time we stupidly had an intimate encounter and she used this against me citing 'I'm sure I still have your DNA on me, I could tell the police you raped me'. That's the lowest I've ever felt, I never thought she would stoop that low.
On Wednesday she came back from the pub at 11pm and tried to remove my kids from bed at 23:00hrs. They had decided to sleep in my bed for comfort and I asked her to stop it. Eventually the police were called, she falsely accused me of assault and was taken to her mothers by the police. The policeman remarked to me ' hopefully this will be the moment she realises what shes doing'. No such luck, she came home the next day and blamed the situation on me. She asked to go away in a few weeks to clear her head and I told her she could go to a friends now until Monday if she wished. I thought this was a good compromise.
She used this time and went to see her internet boyfriend and spent the weekend with him, when she returned she was not on time for me to go to wo
i have been living with my partner at her parents home since December due to finding out we were expecting a child so my first instinct was to move from Blackburn to potters bar (around 200 miles apart ) and find work and support her and our baby however now Lincoln is 5 months old and i have been kicked out of her parents house due to stress between us i have been back in Blackburn for 2 weeks and have bin told that i cannot go back to the house i am no longer welcome and i am being taken to court to deny me access to our child i had to leave with nothing iv lost my job and cannot stay at my parents but have the sofa a few nites a week i have found employement and i have a house as soon as i can find the 200 pound for the deposit i am being told that i will not see my son again and my family have not met him yet every time i tried to bring him up here she refused to let me bring him she is living on a sofa bed in there front room and i really am not happy with the conditions in which our son is being cared for in i have asked her on several occasions to move up here and have our own place however after talking to her parents we were told if we did we were on our own i really feel that my ex partner is only there to stop her family from arguing there is only her parents for support and i am being constantly told that she has no money for his food or needs and i am being told that no1 is supporting her she calls me everynite to say she doesnt want me and doest want my son to see me but she wants more and more money to support him and i feel i have a lot more support up here to offer him however i am told if i go and i take him even to the park without her consent she is going to call the police i just want to be a dad to my son how do i resolve this i would like him to live with me so that i can provide for him however i am told if i go to court she will refuse all access how do i find a way of showing he would be better in my care im just so confused her family do not help and did not help while i was there but she does not want to cum away from them how do i make sure my son is ok i no she is doing here best but she is constantly abusive to me and i am told i can not have Lincoln because she thinks i will just get the train back here with him when i no i cant jst go and take him neither could i do that after wanting to be a family with her and Lincoln for so long what do i do :(
I am meeting my son tonight to talk things through (although he is not keen) My question is what to say to my son? part of me wants to give him a big hug and the other part wants to knock him into next week (and I hate violence)
His friends have posted pictures on a social network site, of nights out with girls and he has changed his status to 'Single'.
My hope is that he has panicked, needs time away and hopefully with support go back to his partner, currently he is seeing his daughter daily after work.
Any advice would be really really welcome.
I pay £42 a week to my ex for our two kids 3 & 4 which CSA told me I should pay
She is demanding more money saying I don't pay her enough.
I pay halves on everything ie clothes, swimming lessons, parties, days out.
I live at my parents house while I pay them back the money they paid out to pay our debts off
My parents don't want anything to do with her after she pulled the kids out of my brothers wedding and she refuses to accept her responsibilities towards our debts that they paid off!
I go round her house(used to be ours) and see the kids after work at least 2-3 times a week
I have the kids every other weekend at my parents house.
I split up from my ex just before new year and I have met someone else and have been dating since September
My ex says I should be staying round her house while she goes to work for a sleep in shift as its not fair on the kids moving them to another house and it shouldn't matter how I feel nor think about staying round her house.
I feel she is still trying to control my life and decisions but at the same time she casts doubts in my head thinking is she right? Should I be staying round her house as I don't have a place of my own and my parents refuse to help her out meaning the kids won't stay round.
If I had my own place it would be so much easier!
Any advice?
I split from my wife just before new year and moved in with my parents and have been here since. My ex and I have two kids 4 & 3 Girl & Boy and it was a mutual seperation and we agreed we would always do what's best for the kids. After the split I continued to go round to the house which we owned to see the kids and spend time with them, I would stay over too. maintenance was mentioned and we agreed I would pay her £150 a week towards bills and stuff for the kids. The house was put up for sale and was eventually sold in May this year, during this time I had a failed business and closed it due to financial difficulties in February, I got another job working full time and once again maintenance was mentioned and I started paying £60 a week as my earnings had changed.
My ex since the split was going out on the town a lot spending money on drink, cigarettes and take aways and was talking to other single mums saying x y z gives her a lot more than you do so you need to pay me more! I had my suspicions that most of what I was giving her was to fund her lifestyle and she started threatening me with CSA and I thought "you know what, I'm going to contact them myself and find out exactly what I should be paying". I paid the £20 and gave them all the info but 2 weeks went by and I called them and I was told that they hadn't been able to get in contact with my ex and she wasn't returning their calls and messages. I had spoken to my ex and we agreed on a figure between us and the case was closed from my permission. Weeks went by and we had a disagreement after I went round her house to drop off our son while I took my daughter to a party as he wasn't feeling well, as I was there I noticed a guys pair of shoes by the back door and I knew instantly that she had someone upstairs and I had told her away from the kids that I didn't feel comfortable being in the house we used to own and live in ( she rents it from the new owners ) she hit the roof saying it's nothing to do with me and it's none of my business and started playing with the access with me coming round to see the kids. I was no longer welcome in her house during the week, she didn't want me in her house but I simply said I just want to come round and see the kids but she wasn't having any of it! She also stopped my kids going to my brothers wedding because I refused to stop sleeping in at her house on a Thursday night while she went out in town and coming in in the early hours!!! I wasn't comfortable sleeping in the house but it didn't wash with her.
I contacted CSA again and paid another £20 and this time I followed the case through. Again they couldn't get hold of her and 2 weeks later I was told based on my earnings and information provided I should pay her £42 a week, I would pay this direct into her account via standing order. She wasn't happy with this but she knew there was nothing she could do. I always pay towards buying them clothes, days out and birthday
They moved out in May. Jack worked 2 24 hour days so he could be with his daughter the rest of the time. His girlfriend has an active social life and spent much of her time with her friends. Going out to the pub at least 3 nights a week. The relationship ended mid July and Jack returned to the family home. They reached an informal access agreement between them Jack could have his daughter 3 times a week. 9 am Tues til 9 am Thurs and every Sunday from 9 am until Monday at 9 am.
This arrangement works really well for Jack and his daughter. He has an established routine. Spends all his time with her. When she is with her mum she is frequently left with others.... her family and her friends...... This week there has been a breakdown. Mum uses his daughter to control Jack and communication between them is shocking. Mum has with held access to his daughter for 9 days until Jack yesterday got to spend 2 hours with his daughter. We have been to see a solicitor and she is writing to the mum to reinstate the previous contact Jack had and to use a local children's centre as a picking up/dropping off point as the relationship with one another is hostile... mainly due to immaturity...... yesterday mum indicated she was going to see a solicitor to tell jack he can have access to his daughter a day ir so in the week with no overnight stays...... this is devastating to Jack. What is the likelihood of Jack getting a joint residency order and 50/50 care of his daughter as he is really concerned about his relationship with his daughter.
My problem is that I can't seem to move on. I'm renting a flat and the boys come and stay with me ever fortnight, but as far as a relationship goes I can't seem to get past what affect me getting together with the woman I cheated with will have on my relation ship with my kids or even my ex.
I love the woman in question but she's had enough and has also left because I would never commit to her fully.
I'm at a loss about what to do or who to turn to for help. Its tearing me apart not being with her but I can't bear to upset my kids or ex any more than I have already...
I'm 43 and have a fantastic job, I have money and cars and nice things, but I have no life. I'd give it all up to be happy, but how do I do that knowing that being with the woman I love will destroy my relationship with my kids and ex...
Being a victim of child maintenance myself I though I would explore the system and see if I could shed some light on why the system is completely biased against fathers. Unfortunately though I couldn't. There is not a single thing the state does to assist or support fathers who have separated from mothers, no matter how much they are involved in the child's life.
I have done a lot of digging and a lot of studying and have found an infinite number of flaws in the system. I have found there to be a lot of corruption and unequal treatment towards fathers.
I refuse to continue to be a victim of the child maintenance tyranny and I will do everything in my power to fight the oppression of this excuse for a supportive system.
Victimisation of Father's
After checking and dissecting eight random case studies of the maintenance system (there were an infinite amount, I was not stuck for choice by any means) I have came to this conclusion.
The child maintenance system is poorly administered and biased completely towards mothers and against fathers. The case studies I have analysed show lists of repeated flaws in the system. If I was to write about them all I would still be typing one year on.
Child maintenance appears to covertly bypass the law on most occasions. They dictate what is 'right' but this normally ends up with the father being delivered a decision that completely unjust and unfair.
During one case child maintenance did not even disclose the legal documentations of the mothers application and reasoning to the father or his legal rep, which is a required step for the 'initiating process'. They then proceeded straight to the 'final proceedings' without allowing the father his 'objection hearing'. Which leads me to ask how is this in any way fair or equal treatment of the father? The answer is simple. Its not fair at all. The father was then ambushed during the final hearing in an unlawful manner.
The dad applied and was granted an SSAT appeal hearing during which child maintenance were forced to disclose the legal documentation that the father was previously denied as failing to do so would nullify the child maintenance enforcement.
However during this hearing, at the request of child maintenance, the fathers legal rep was not allowed to speak until the end of the hearing. He was made to watch and denied his legal right to interject. The child maintenance rep was extremely compassionate towards the mother and bullied the father throughout the hearing.
The only thing that the judging panel were interested in was the fathers income. The mothers income (from work and benefits) greatly exceeded the fathers but this wasn't even acknowledged. Again I repeat myself, how is this in any way fair or equal treatment of the father? Easy, its not.
Just under a year after this case the mother (who was so compassionately looked upon by child maintenance) was fined for be
I haven't seen my daughter for three months & her mother, who I separated from about six five years ago, has filed a non-molestation order on me & got me involved in court hearings. The next step is a Cafcass report. I don't feel I've done anything wrong but my ex has exagerrated & distorted events from years ago when we were together in an attempt to make me sound reckless & threatening. I am a good dad & I thought I was on a reasonably amicable level when I saw her mum, though I don't have their address, nor phone numbers, nor any means of communication except through the mum's brother who lives abroad, & that has ceased since the first hearing. When they were ignoring my requests to see my daughter I sent an email saying I might meet her from school for a birthday hug. This they interpreted as me intending to kidnap her (my words suggested nothing of the sort). Then the mum claimed she saw me near their house, which she didn't. They've since moved to another part of the country & I'm awaiting a second hearing & a possible fact-finding hearing. I'm having to represent myself but have no experience or knowledge of this. I can't believe the mum has said the things she's said or that she could move away with my daughter without so much as a goodbye, let alone an address. I'm not sure what to do in these circumstances or what my options are or the best course of action.
I wonder if anyone can help.
I have recently gone through a very complex separation. To cut a very long story short I am currently bailed under suspicion of crimes that I did not commit, my bail terms are that I have no direct or indirect contact with my ex partner. We have a beautiful 2 yr old daughter together and 2 other children that she brought into our 4yr long relationship. I have been trying to contact my ex via a third party to try to arrange contact with at least my daughter, hopefully all of the children, and have suggested that she could arrange a third party mediatory to assist in this if she liked. She has so far totally ignored these advances, is there anything else that I can try?
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