How Do I Ensure CSA Money Is Spent on My Child?

Originally written by Emma Jones, updated by the editorial team on 2nd April 2026

A.S asks

I am still paying my ex 15% of my income per month when she earns more than me. I look after my child overnight 2 to 3 nights per week and feel my ex nevers spends a penny on our child's upkeep. Our child is walking around with holes in shoes and secondhand clothing despite me handing over £300 per month.

She seems to be swanning about in designer clothes, shoes, handbags etc, and leaving my child with very sketchy (to say the least) childcare (with minors e.g 17 yr olds and so-called friends), while she goes off on weekends away with her new boyfriend and trips abroad.

She hardly ever seems to stay at home with our child but if I try to say anything to her about her behaviour she just laughs and says CSA allow her to get away with it. Surely this can't be right? What can be done about mothers abusing the system and using children as meal tickets? I am very worried about my child and would be interested to know if there are any positive steps I can take to improve this situation?

When the parents of a child split up, both sides are still responsible for the upbringing of the child until they are 16 or leave full-time education. The role of the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) is to make sure that the non-resident parent contributes financially. Non-resident fathers are required to pay a percentage of their salary to the mother of their child to pay for their day-to-day expenses.

To get a clear idea of what you should be paying or receiving based on your circumstances, you can use our free Child Maintenance Calculator.

The fact that your wife earns more than you doesn't make any difference, as you are still responsible to pay a percentage of your own wages in a Child Support. However, the CMS does take into account the amount of time that your child spends regularly with each parent. If this has increased or your circumstances have changed, then it is a good idea to get in touch and have your Contributions Re-assessed.

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As for your ex spending your money on herself, this is less easy to address. The CMS system is in place for good reason but unfortunately, as many fathers have found out, it doesn't come without its problems. Once the money is handed over, there are no rules or regulations in place about how it is spent. Generally, mothers will spend it sensibly towards the needs of their children but there will always be a few less responsible ones who use it for their own needs.

As the resident parent, your ex gets to choose how she spends the money and is in charge of making decisions about the everyday upbringing of your child. As difficult as it is to see your money wasted, there is not much you can do about it legally.

If, however, you have real concerns about the treatment of your child, then this is something that you should raise. Unfortunately, there is nothing to say that she cannot leave your child with babysitters under 17 or friends, as long as they are not endangering your child.

It may be a good idea for you and your ex to Consider Mediation so you can raise your concerns and try to work together more efficiently. However, if she will not agree, and will not listen to your concerns, then you should contact your lawyer or social services to protect your child's welfare.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Child Maintenance Calculator lets you find out how much child maintenance you should pay or receive. Takes less than a minute. Try it now →

136 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

C w laurie 16/04/2023 at 10:03 am

Yeah I offered( cash) for education so my( daughter) be a( professional). I'm a guy who grow up in (housing commission )I only went to grade 8 so I would off paid for her gods truth .

EmmaB 16/04/2023 at 8:20 am

The truth is 99% of mothers who have custody like me use maintenance payments to run the home. Rent/mortgage, utilities like hot water for the children to have a bath and switch a light on, car for everyone to get about in and for mum to do food shopping, council tax, school trips, pocket money, Netflix, WiFi as well as the obvious expenses like clothes and food. As he and I have split up, he no longer has a say in how a grown woman runs her home and finances. Both parents have a responsibility to contribute financially to the home and lifestyle that their children grow up in. In the UK the CMS takes a percentage of an income for the children. This is fair because as a percentage, they can afford it. It's not like they take half the wages and someone is left destitute. In my case, the more he earns, the more he contributes to his children. Unfortunately it has come to this because some fathers feel they have a right to control what they consider 'their money' is spent on, leaving mothers struggling to pay for the basics. If I want to buy a decent car, I will. That is the car his children also get to be driven around in, the car that drives them safely to see their friends and family and doesn't break down on the motorway. The controlling attitude around money was one of the reasons why I left him. I work hard at my job and at raising our children and I don't have to justify how I spend every penny. I earn more than he does, but that does not absolve him of his responsibilities as a father. It costs huge amounts of money to run a safe, clean and decent home that my children are growing up in and I'm not going to let them grow up any where less than that just because their father thinks I should spend 100% of my income on the children and nothing on myself, while he pays for mobile phone bills and takes them out for food a few times a year. He lives in a bigger house than we do, yet he lives alone. If he can afford a home like that and run it, plus eat out every day for lunch and buy a motorbike, he can contribute to the home his children live in. Yes, I buy myself clothes and make up and why shouldn't I? 99% of my income goes into the home and the family lifestyle. I cannot understand how a parent who doesn't want to pay towards the home their children live in can look at themselves in the mirror. And yes, the children can live with him if they want and they were given a choice. I would pay maintenance to their Dad if they did and it would be a darn load less than it costs me right now.

MarkH1883 08/09/2022 at 9:05 am

My daughter (18) is re-taking her A-levels. She lives full time at her boyfriend's parents house and yet I am still paying maintenance to my ex. Am I not able to either, redirect my payments to the household actually incurring her costs or stop them altogether? It just seems bonkers.

Chaz 23/08/2020 at 9:59 pm

@rhi
The only viable option i see available to your situation would be court action. Firstly I would suggest finding a local mediation service and asking the mother to attend.(I expect her to refuse) once you have done that you then file to the court for a contact order. And file evidence that you have tried to use mediation. (Goes in your favour) if she does accept to attend mediation and it happens great, but if no agreement is made then again your at the point of contact order proceedings. (Again file all meditation paperwork). Then I would advise you have a clear and reasonable idea of what you want to achieve. I.e in my situation my ex and I had an agreement that I had my daughter every Sunday. She would chop and change this to suit her and then not allow me to see my daughter. So I now have her every other weekend. So same amount of time just different format. And this is a legally binding and the court order over rules her and she cannot deny access. (Including during lockdown) hope this helps

Rhi 19/06/2020 at 3:42 pm

Hi so my partners ex missus won’t allow him to see his son and hasn’t for about 2 years now we’e tried a sorts and she won’t have any of it her excuse as to why she wont now is because his son won’t know him again we’ve tried alternatives like having her sister have the son and he see’s him that way until they can build up a relationship again or even the mum and my partner going somewhere like a park she has now asked him if she can change his last name and for him to sign away his parental rights which he doesn’t and won’t do but we are wondering what the next step would be to try and see him and she won’t reason with us

Kat 18/05/2020 at 1:03 am

I’m a woman and let me first say that not all women are the same, trust me, just as all men are not the same, some men are as bad as the women you hate. I’ve been there, treated like sh!t because you care and you’re nice and after a while it changes you. Men and women are equally as good and bad as each other; you’ve just met some bad women, and I’ve just met some bad men....I would never use my child as a weapon against an ex, or abuse them for money, because I also know how this would one day affect the child, the child is the one who will get hurt. I know this because I also grew up as one of these children who had a mother who did these things to my father and once I found out it really hurt me. But let’s be honest there is also some bad fathers out there also, but that doesn't mean they cannot change how this system works well for both the innocent mothers and fathers. I think the csa system is a disgrace. I completely agree with men on how unfair this is. In favour of the women and men get no say. I have a brother going through the same as you all and it breaks my heart to see how he suffers and how he cannot win no matter what he does. I think they should turn the money you pay into tokens that they can use on certain items like children’s clothes and food etc and not be able to spend it on themselves. I hate that some women abuse this and it takes the mik out of all these fathers. It really needs looking at and changing, it is not good enough, I’ve seen men suffer and backed into corners over this and it drives them into madness. Upsetting.

Matt 14/04/2020 at 9:36 pm

Right not sure if this is allowed but I I worry about my nephew. Hes paying £200 per week 0n one child .shes scammed the system proper. Her boyfriend lives there and has been for 3 years with declaring he lives there .bloody disgusting one child £200 per week wtf

John 25/01/2020 at 11:37 pm

@mthoko.truth is I don’t want to see the child .in reality I never wanted a child .and yeah I have come to terms with her mother she loves all the guys .(and I look down on her I just can’t help it I really do think I am better then her I can’t help how I feel I think she is the bottom off the barrel )This women jailed me right and she had the audacity to flirt with me on the phone wtf this women is (complete loser with a short memory good lord this women has some serous issues ).

John 25/01/2020 at 10:19 pm

@mthoko.i still have (serous hate for the child’s mother and others) .where it is best to stay away forever I like my (freedom) . because I will always have that dark side in me I have had it sense a child my earliest memory is me pulling a knife on my cousin and stabbing him I would have been 6 years old I was at my aunties house and I walked home and when my crying mother told my father. he congratulated me and awarded me with a ice cream then drove me to his family’s house and told the story with pride to them my boy got balls he said and savvy enough to find he’s way home .my uncle Allen said to my father I wish I had your boy for son my son is soft and girl like and couldn’t find he’s way to the corner shop without help .

John 25/01/2020 at 9:50 pm

@mthoko.i (100 percent believe) what you said about men are not (protective anymore) off they child only the (old timers are ).who haven’t lived or been though what us (younger generation) been though the worlds changed 100 percent .what the mother did to me with the (police and orders and cells years ago broke me and changed me ).(i was a controlled wiped naive trusting dumbass )and when I got out I wanted revenge and wanted to hurt them like (hurt me including family )I had a (rage in me like volcano ready to blow my top )and my thinking was if they can jail me over something so (small )I give something to jail over when I shot them (dead) this was my thinking I even planned it to the (last detail) .i am glad I never did it now other wise would be spending the rest off my life a (cell) and that would have been a waste off life .

Mthoko 25/01/2020 at 11:28 am

I'm so surprised to find out how unfair the law is. I'm the father of the child and my child has taken away from me because the mother can't live with one man, she still claim me for a child maintenance, but I still don't have a say if I see that my child's support is being misused. That means I must support the man that took my wife in the name of my child? Ok that's fine, but what about my child that is raised under that abusive situation? Woeeee hhay ngeke, that's why we'll see most of man misbehaving it's because they're misused and nobody cares about how we fill. Everything is about women women . This country is spiritually killing everyman. Men of this country are no more protective to their families because they've spiritually killed. To put all of them in jail will never help but to raise them from their spiritual death of their manhood will bring back a good will and plan of God when He created Man from the beginning. I Love You South Africa.

Geezer 21/09/2019 at 2:22 pm

Why is it a all on womens side just because the children live with them . All these laws are all for womens side regardless how many ppl out there thinks its acceptable that csa have the right to take a percentage of ppl gross pay when we all get net pay . No wounder this stuff bring fathers to killing then selfs its a womens world and men have to work for it . Women these days have the same rights as men now why cant men have the same rights as women . In ways like this . The system is a total joke and needs to change . Why cant i spend the money on the childs needs but prove it with receipts but no we have to give it to the ex and have no knowledge of where it goes . But that ok

Frustrated one 03/09/2019 at 2:04 pm

I'm convinced my ex is donating a great deal of my payments (that I pay on time and never miss) on herazy, unemployed boyfriend with a drug habit. Is there no way I can demand proof of where my money goes? Its so one sided all of this, I.e we pay and they have no accountability.

Branded 19/08/2019 at 12:29 am

Please can someone advise. I have a direct pay arrangement with my ex to pay for our three children via CMS. My ex has updated bank details via CMS and the new bank details are in the name of the eldest child. When I questioned this the advisor told me it was none of my business to which account this money goes to only that I continue to make payments into the new account on schedule. I was a bit taken a back as after all yes I’m due to pay towards my children but this is still my money I work hard for. I find it very odd that this is ok when there are two other children the money goes towards. How do I know they all get a fair share? I have no contact with the children, which is a whole other story so I am clueless as to what is going on. The eldest is now 16 and I don’t even know if he is going into full time education or not. I can’t see CMS checking on my behalf accurately either. Please can anyone advise as to whether this is normal or even correct practice? Thank you

Loua 12/07/2019 at 8:30 am

Can my ex make a family arrangement where he buys clothes and shoes for the choodren instead of paying the money to me? If he keeps proof of what he spent each month and it is the amount he would have to pay.

Simonsays 09/06/2019 at 11:57 am

So I have recently split from my partner or rather my partner split from me. We decided to move up north as I had a job opportunity. I have two children one 4 and one who is one. My partner missed her family and decided to move home after about a month but I was left up north as I had commitments that would cost us money if I left early. She has recently got benefits as she lives rent free with family members until she can get a council house. she does not work and to be honest has never worked even before we had kids. We have debts as a couple that I have had to sign for as I work but since she has moved away she has nothing to do with but items that we both benefited from. I have given what money I could to support my kids given the fact I am trying to survive up north for a period, before I can try to get a place closer to my kids I have been contacted by the Csa who Has stated that given my salary for two kids I need to pay close to 500 per month. If I am to pay this and all the debts we accumulated as a couple but in my name I would not have food to eat. I am not entitled to financial help the csa want a chunk of money and do not care if I get into financial trouble as a result. It is not always black and white. I have recently been told by joint friends of our that she is having a beauty treatment hair and such next month when asked how much it would be she replied one maintenance payment from me as she laughed which infuriates me when I am asked for money constantly for food to feed my kids etc. It should not be black and white. It should not just be fathers pay a percentage we should be able to have a say how the money is spent surely.

Hibee 09/06/2019 at 8:36 am

Hi, I don’t know where to start. I have two kids ages 8 & 10 who I haven’t been allowed access to for a few years. No reason other than the mums very spiteful, has a new boyfriend and doesn’t want kids having dad on the scene. She’s brainwashed the kids with all sorts, I 450.00 each month straight to the csa. I tried going through court before she kept making it very difficult and I couldn’t afford it.
I have recently been diagnosed with depression due to this it’s really starting to affect my mental health. I want nothing more but to be a dad to my children. Can anyone help me how do I go about trying to get this sorted? You

Dad6969 07/06/2019 at 3:38 pm

Hi do I have a right ask my ex to provide me receipts for proof to ensure that our daughter's needs like iPad or laptop etc after I paying direct pay to my ex parnter account?

Noname2019 30/04/2019 at 4:01 pm

I pay maintenance to my ex for my two children she has. I pay the maximum CSA has told me to pay and I don’t contest it!

The kids are starting to look scruffy (school wear) and there shoes are falling to bits.

Can I deduct the clothes if I raise it with her and she doesn’t do owt about it?

T 04/04/2019 at 1:52 am

As a father that’s always financially paid my way and then some not that money should and never will be my issue but when when you’ve been paying a lot of money and you find out your x when bankrupt and had never worked for many many years and is now trying to tell the powers that be she should still demand / need the same amount though you don’t earn same amount and you have gave them money and never told the authorities this and they still think you earn that wage and demand that amount but you don’t, is this a false claim and can you take this person to court as they have and are claiming false claims.

Chris 20/03/2019 at 10:49 pm

@perezmario.i can relate to your story I myself live with my brother .but (I don’t get on with mother off my child )I would (never hurt her) but (I want nothing to do with her )she done things I could (never forgive) it’s (my personality).i made a choice to let her get on with her life with her children and not go for( rights )to my daughter many years ago and (move on with my life ).now she never went to (child support )we both (no why) .(now if she hits me all these years later there is not much I can do about it it is what is )just as long as they leave me alone to get on with my life .i have (finally )put the past to bed it (tormented me )inside over not seeing my daughter but under the circumstances (we didn’t end well )and I didn’t have much off a choice her mother moved and changed numbers wanted to be single .

PerezMario 20/03/2019 at 6:14 pm

Hi.

I am currently paying child maintenance however due a new baby with another partner. I do not live with this partner but will have a family based arrangement seeing as we still get on well. How will child maintenance calculate my payments from then on? Will they simply work out how much I should pay for 2 children and then split it in half for me to pay the recieving mother of my first child?

I also live with my brother and he has 2 young children (my nephews which I care for and help my brother to provide for as he is a single father) is this taken into account as me living with 2 dependants or is that only the case if it is a partner I am living with?

LukeO1991 28/10/2018 at 5:30 pm

I have been separated from my children’s mother 2 coming up to 3 years. I pay the amount that CSA has calculated , which I don’t contest. I’am picking our children up to to see them with stained, dirty clothes and footwear that isn’t the right size. Both their heads are scabby , mud underneath long uncut nails and inappropriately dressed for certain weather, which makes them frequently ill and they are constantly falling over with huge footwear resulting in injury. I have taken many pictures and kept documents as I believe the money they she gets isn’t going towards the children. I understand the money is for everything (house they live in and bills etc) but it definitely isn’t going on clothing , food and anything else that greatly benefits the children and rather on the lavish stuff for herself , new partner and their baby. I’am having to make sure they have the plenty of food and warm suitable clean clothing when they’re with me. These things don’t cost a great deal and can be bought from Primark and Asda. However what can I do to make sure our children are kept healthy , well fed and clothed? It’s gone on long enough.

Johno198512 19/09/2018 at 9:27 pm

My ex has recently decided to go through CSA instead of our original agreement of me paying her directly. I think she may have changed her bank details from the one i have from previous payments i have made. This will be so i default on a payment and then have to pay the extra 20% collection charge. I have been blocked on all modes of contact. What can i do to avoid defaulting and it costing me more??

SeparatedDads Editor 05/06/2018 at 2:11 pm

If you have a family-based child maintenance arrangement, then you can decide between you. If you pay via CMS, then you would not be able to deduct this money.

Dad4555 04/06/2018 at 5:40 pm

Can I take money from the maintenance if I’ve bought school shoes for the children.. ex kids mother taking over 3 weeks to buy school shoes?

Gerie 29/05/2018 at 8:01 am

Hi,
myself and my ex have been separated for 8 Months now ever since i have been paying her R3000.00 every month without a court order any legal advise. she does not pay anything towards my kid i pay everything when i ask her to send me some proof of what she was doing with monies to make sure that school fees and medical aid has been paid she refuses. I don`t get paid a basic salary i only work on commission how much do i as parent really need to pay?

advice would be appreciated.

Thanks
G

SeparatedDads Editor 06/04/2018 at 12:42 pm

Firstly, your ex does not have to explain what she spends child maintenance money on. Secondly, if your daughter was living with you for a period of time, then it was up to you to put a claim in to CMS to claim child maintenance from your ex. Thirdly, you can certainly open an account for your child to have the money from when she is 18. However, you will also still be required to pay child maintenance directly to the mother of your child.

SeparatedDads Editor 03/04/2018 at 9:07 am

I'm not quite sure of your question. However, if you are talking about child maintenance payments then it is based upon your ex's annual earnings and averaged over the year. This only begins when you register with CMS. Therefore, if you have had a family-based arrangement to date, then these payments will not be taken into account. If you mean general money your ex has given you, then neither this will be taken into account.

Anna 02/04/2018 at 7:38 pm

I have split up with my ex partner, do they take into account what he’s paid me this year?

Pecker 31/03/2018 at 8:41 am

My ex partner and I have split for well over 15 years if longer and we have a daughter of 13 yrs of age for who I have being paying for but my daughter was never getting the money spent on her she would come and visit me with holes in her trainers and was not clothed properly when I confronted my ex she told me that it was up to me to pay for them when I asked where the money I was giving her was going I was told to mind my own bussiness and now after having my daughter for 3 months staying we me due to vilonce I was not offered a penny now she has my daughter back in her care and is putting a claim in against me am I in my writes to open up an account for my daughter so I know when she is 18 that she will have the money there for her please help as this is affecting my marriage and my step kids don’t need this

SeparatedDads Editor 05/02/2018 at 12:06 pm

Regardless of whether your ex has receipts or not, this will not make a difference to your child maintenance claim. Every non-resident parent is responsible for helping to support their children's day-to-day needs. If you cannot come to a family based child maintenance arrangement between you both, then CMS will assess your ex and take the money from him directly.

an 03/02/2018 at 4:35 pm

Iv recently set up csa against my ex partner for our 2 children. He makes no effort to help out offers no money and sees them once a week. Now iv made the claim hes started buying clothes claiming he has recipts for things he buys so y should be pay me. Will him showing recent recipts effect the claim??

JaseI Editor 18/12/2017 at 10:02 am

@Notfit - Five in 14 days contact isn't bad. Does your ex have a 'diagnosed' personaility disorder? So many people love to diagnose their ex's with personality disorders. Ask most non-resident parent and they'll all say their other half is a narcissist, has bi-polar etc, etc. But there is not much that can be done if they haven't sought help themselves. Then a judge can't take this into consideration either. Also, people can't judge a person on having a personality disorder if they are trying to live life and battle on through it, it's not a crime. As always, the best thing to do is to try to be supportive, this usually gets the best results, especially if you can offer to have the kids more if she is genuinely suffering.

Notfit 16/12/2017 at 9:02 am

I am in a similar situation to the son of ‘Lin’ (17th May 2017), my ex has a Personality Disorder and demonstrates all the awful behaviours associated with it. At no time has this been considered by a Judge as such, I am left with 5 in 14 days contact and have to comfort my children when they tell me what’s going on. There is clear ‘reenactment’ happening and despite evidence of her deteriorating mental health, there is nothing any of the Services can (will) do other than tell me to ‘wait for something to happen’. There is simply no effective risk assessment going on and it is no wonder children are abused and end up entering the same services as the abuser. I am stuck in a house 30 miles from my children because my ex will not return documents to enable the sale to progress. I fear for the safety of my children and can visualise the day when I hear representatives from legal/health/social care saying ‘...we’ve learned lessons from this...’ - do they really? Is this ever going to change?

SeparatedDads Editor 22/08/2017 at 2:54 pm

Much depends on whether you have a family-based arrangement or pay via CMS. If you have a family-based arrangement you can agree this with your ex, or make your own decision and your ex will have no recourse to complain (unless organised via CMS). If you pay officially via CMS, then you would have to speak with your case adviser directly regarding the change in circumstances.

Mike 18/08/2017 at 8:21 pm

Hi. My daughter is 17 and I'm sending my csa payment to her mother even though she is not living with her. She is living with her older brothers. Mother is not helping them with bills etc so she is obviously putting the money in her own pocket. Am I able to send the payments directly to my daughter ?

Beth 04/08/2017 at 11:46 am

I don't know how people can say it doesn't matter how the money is spent. I'm a woman and still see it from csa paying men's perspectives too. If your paying a non working mum hundreds a month and she's saying you need to pay club fees and school uniform as she can't afford it yet will send your photos of shoes she has purchased with the money and takes 3 holidays abroad a year. And then when my parents doesn't want pay for clubs on top tells their son it's his fault he can't go because he should pay. Baring in mind me and my husband don't have the money to do the same for our children but because she's separated seems to have some superior right to their child's needs over ours? We can't afford holidays and we both work. She has two children she claims 2 sets of csa for and doesn't work and has a much better standard of life. Not to mention the amount taken is based on his wage before his tax goes out. All women deserve child support. And 99% of women make the best decisions for their children's well beings with the money. To say she needs to pay bills too...yes out of state handouts and two large amounts of child maintenance. Not with her hard earned work. I would love to be a stay at home mum but because she gets so much and I want the same quality of life for our children I need to finish maternity early. Their son is in secondary school and her other child in primary. Our children on is in primary and the other 4 months old. So to say a woman should spend it on her child and not her lifestyle is unreasonable. We live within our means as should she. As everyone says it takes two to make a child. If she can afford new shoes all the time, nights out every week and 3 holidays abroad a year but asking for additional money for the school trips and clubs and uniform then no I do not think it is unreasonable to question what exactly her money is going on (not that we don't already know as she laughs about it!)

SeparatedDads Editor 20/06/2017 at 12:50 pm

You would have to seek legal advice regarding this to see if you have a case. Much will be dependent upon the surrounding circumstances and the larger story.

MOB765 19/06/2017 at 9:42 pm

I was asked by my ex partner to take on our 5 year old daughter on a full time basis and was told that her younger daughter from another relationship would be going to live with her mum. I did everything that my ex asked me to do changing from nights to days and going part time and we even agreed on the date that this would happen but with a month to go Ive been informed that my daughter is now living with her nan and won't be coming to live with me. My ex has informed me she has done nothing wrong and said I wont ever get custody if I take her to court because court wont split up siblings even half siblings even if im named on my daughter's birth certificate.

Ed 13/11/2016 at 3:21 pm

My wife and I have 50/50. She has never had a job since our divorce for about 8 years after her divorce and is supported by me and her husband. I pay her $750 a month and never missed a payment. I believe she wanted full custody for the money. Once 50/50 was awarded and she got her money I got the kids. First she started taking multiple vacations a month where I got the boys to now she will only pick up the boys two weekend a month (sometimes). If she sees them she picked them up late on a Friday and return them early on a Sunday. That's either 1 or 2 full days a month and several half days. I pay reverse child support. I pay money to take care of my boys. If I tried to address this she would lie like before to try to make me look like a bad parent and attempt to take them. Sad cause I'm a disabled veteran on disability and I struggle with money in order to take care of my boys.N nothing I can do ?

SeparatedDads Editor 14/09/2016 at 2:13 pm

Many thanks for your comments, I'm sure they will interest our readers.

Samys 13/09/2016 at 11:29 pm

What difference does it make to any father how the child support is spent?

Mortgage/rent, bills, food, clothing, travel, school, child care etc. It all costs money.

If you have fathered a child then it's your responsibility to reasonably contribute toward these costs, additionally, if you are the non/resident parent then think on how much child care would cost in the time the child is not in your care.

If the mother pays all of the above daily/weekly/monthly from her own income then what business is it of yours if she waits for your contribution to look after her own needs (provided of course that your child is catered for

SeparatedDads Editor 09/09/2016 at 11:51 am

Much depends upon how the money is paid and whether his children's mother is in agreement with his suggestion. If the money is paid as a family-based arrangement then whatever is agreed between the parents can be carried out. However, if the mother disagrees and/or if the payment is organised through the CMS, then by law the money must be paid directly to the mother to help with the day-to-day financial support of his children.

Spud 08/09/2016 at 2:24 pm

My son is offering to pay £400 a month f his two boys would he be within his rights to put some of it away in a savings account f them as the mother is a drinker and he fears that she will spend it on other things than shopping,bills n clothing for them? Any info would b appreciated thankyou.

SeparatedDads Editor 06/09/2016 at 11:37 am

I advise you seek legal advice about taking the matter back to court for a variation, especially if your ex's salary has improved in that time. Also, factoring the rise of the cost of living you should be able to claim much more than you did 14 years ago. If you cannot afford to be represented in court, you can self-litigate which will save on fees.

Charlie7547 05/09/2016 at 2:27 pm

Hi separated from my X when my son was 3 he is now 17 I agreed an amount of £200 a month when we divorced now my son is 17 I have asked for "help" towards his college bus pass at which his reply is no that's what he pays me £200 a month for that should be ample enough to cover it. We have both re married and him and new wife earn in excess of £75,000 a year where me and my husband are living on a much lower income of £26,000 a year it's a struggle and don't think I'm being harsh in asking for a bit extra as his bus pass is £450. My ex has stated if I can't pay for his bus pass out of this money he will stop it all together and pay for his bus pass him self really getting up set and stressed over this to the point where I'm not sleeping. Help any advise greatly received am I in the wrong for asking.

SeparatedDads Editor 02/08/2016 at 3:03 pm

Child maintenance money does not have to be justified by the resident parent as it is a contribution to the children's day-to-day needs and can take the form of help towards payment of utility bills in order to keep a roof over the children's head, school dinners, school trips, food and clothing etc, meaning it would be impossible to prove that the money was being spent otherwise. Many resident parents send the children to the NRP's in old clothes as this usually forms a bone of contention between parents if clothes are not returned, lost, or ruined. Therefore, there is little I can give with regards to helpful advice here as there is little that can be done.

shell 02/08/2016 at 7:57 am

I know of a father of two in the situation where the CSA payments are being misused. Unfortunately there isn't anything in place to stop this. CSA should be made up into two parts household and clothing. The household ie general living would prove harder to show that it is being implemented, but an allowance for clothing with proof of purchase may help. I know of two children who are being sent to their father every fortnight in clothes that they have out grown whilst the mother and new boyfriend, happily spend the CSA money getting drunk. They also live independently so not to affect any benefits each are in receipt of. Its a shameful situation, but what is a working father to do when his annoyance of the misuse of CSA payments just fall on deaf ears. Any advice would be appreciated.

SeparatedDads Editor 04/07/2016 at 1:49 pm

Paying child maintenence in cash is never a good idea. From the moment your ex put in a claim to CSA, this means she is eligible not only to claim currently, but also back pay for this amount of time also. If you cannot prove you have paid her and if she chooses to say you haven't, then you will be the losing party in this debate. If you have some bank transfer details, then they wil help, but you may find a bill for the outstanding amount in arrears for the rest of the time that you either haven't paid, or paid for in cash because it has gone un-recorded.

arkange1 03/07/2016 at 4:04 pm

would just like to ask a question any help would be greatful. Have been ducking and diving the csa for twenty years, before anyone starts jumping up and down yes i have been paying for my son, but have payed in cash unfortunatly, having had my son for five weeks holiday a year various weekends.and for a year paid into ex wifes bank account via bank transpher, have always had him for exmas. just wanted to know if my ex has a duty to tell csa about payments made directly to her.

SeparatedDads Editor 01/07/2016 at 11:58 am

No, if your ex is paying you child maintenance through the CMS, then how you spend the money is entirely up to you and a solicitor cannot force you to do this. If you are paying through a family-based arrangement, then it is up to you both how you arrange this, which means you can agree or not agree to what your ex says, it is entirely up to you. All non-resident parents are legally expected to pay child maintenance to help support their children for their day-to-day needs, but this can include contributing to the likes of basic ulilities such as gas or electric or food that can't really be measured.

Tj1309 30/06/2016 at 4:47 pm

Hi, my ex ex is harassing a family member of mine telling them that I must provide receipts every month to prove that I'm spend all of his pound a day on his child or he will expect all payments back as he feels that if I don't do this then that must mean that I'm just using it as an extra income, he claims that this is advise from his solicitor - he put our son on child protection because of how he treated us, do I need to provide those receipts?

SeparatedDads Editor 20/05/2016 at 10:36 am

I'm afraid that even though you feel the money is not being used on your partner's child, as stated in the article his ex does not have to justify what she spends the money on. The money is paid purely from your partner's earnings as his responsibility to the welfare of the day-to-day needs of his child and these things can be unseen such as utility bills which help to keep his child fed and warm can easily mount up to £50 per week. As stated, 'once the money is handed over, there are no rules or regulations in place about how it is spent. Generally, mothers will spend it sensibly towards the needs of their children but there will always be a few less responsible ones who use it for their own needs'.Therefore, there really is little you can do, unless you prove the child is staying more than the mother says in which case if you are paying via the CMS this will be reviewed.Our Response:

SeparatedDads Editor 20/05/2016 at 10:34 am

I'm afraid that even though you feel the money is not being used on your partner's child, his ex does not have to justify what she spends the money on. The money is paid purely from your partner's earnings as his responsibility to the welfare of the day-to-day needs of his child and these things can be unseen such as utility bills which help to keep his child fed and warm can easily mount up to £50 per week. Therefore, as annoying as it may seem to you and your partner, there really is little you can do, unless you prove the child is staying more than the mother says in which case if you are paying via the CMS this will be reviewed.

Nic14 19/05/2016 at 2:16 am

Hi, my partner pays £50 a week for his daughter, now we have always had concerns but anything said goes in one ear & out the other. Basically the mother does not use any of this money on the child, the money is spent on her for her hair,nails, beauty treatment, nights out & anything other than the kid. She never as her on her weekends & is left with babysitters all the time, she comes to our house in clothes that are 2yrs smaller for her, shoes that are 3 sizes to big & we have not seen her in any new clothes for over year or more. The mother as recently just passed driving test & bought a new car within a matter of days & the kid suffers. She looks like a tramp & looks unkempt, when we have her you can tell she is not bathed often, she is always starving & aware that her clothes are too small. We have even been asked by the mum to provide a weeks shopping for the child as she can't afford any yet gets her csa every week along side CB & could continue to go out. She also lied to csa when doing assessment saying we have the child less as she knew money would reduce & we have this in a message 'stating its her money & it will go down & she would be paid more if dad was not living with myself & my son' it is all money orientated for her & she walks around dressed to nines while the child looks like a tramp yet we pay her weekly. She is dressed in all new clothes that fit & as everything she needs with us but if we send things home it never reappears. Surely they must be some rights for the fathers in this situation. Thanks

SeparatedDads Editor 18/05/2016 at 11:03 am

It is very difficult to give advice, as a court can't force a person to see a psychologist regarding the likes of the personality disorders you are quoting, as they can be deemed to be subjective. Unfortunately, there are divorces that are amicable and divorces that are ugly and can spiral out of control - but once it has reached this stage it is very difficult to unravel because the matter has gone beyond 'rational' by either one or both parent's actions and therefore it is left up to the courts to decide. I am sorry to hear your son is suffering as a result of his ex's actions - but there is little advice we can give beyond what any legal representative can. I hope it manages to resolve itself without getting even more 'uglier' again.

Lin 17/05/2016 at 12:09 pm

I am a very concerned Granny. Can I seek advice or join in discussions on this forum? I have looked at & read so many websites, contacted CafCass/Social Services, and nobody seems to be able to help or give advice. I've tried fathers for justice, you name it i've tried it and reached a dead-end.

Our son is in a middle of a WW 111 divorce. Its getting uglier and uglier as the months go on and I've reached the stage where I'm about to get 'ugly'!!

Why is it that in a court of law facing a judge, not one single judge has ever asked for the soon to be ex wife to under-go a psychological evaluation? In simple terms, I have scoured for hours on end what the behaviour patterns are for a Narcisistic Personality Disorder, or a Sociopath? It is very frightening reading. Our son is seeing a therapist due to 22years of mental, emotional, psychological bullying, and down-right wicked behaviour from this woman. And stuck in the middle of this are two children: 4 year old son and a seven year old daughter. Their place of residence is at their mother's address, but are cared for by an au pair. The courts deem this acceptable as the mother is frequently away on business yet the better parent in this case is with their father.

Can anyone offer me some advice?

best regards
'Granny' Petzer

Bunny 05/05/2016 at 12:30 am

Hi I have a question if the parent is irresponsible and can not handle money . she has a payee and we are trying to stop her from using it on personal use but do not want law enforcement involved.

SeparatedDads Editor 12/04/2016 at 2:04 pm

If this is a family-based agreement and one of you is classed as the primary carer and the other the non-resident parent then your ex may be able to claim; if she is in receipt of child benefit, if your earnings are higher and if she can prove the care is not equally shared (both daily and nightly care).

Scoobs 11/04/2016 at 7:50 pm

If an amicable agreement has been in place between ex husband and wife for more than 3 years, could ex wife make a claim with csa now and ask for money even if they have shared care? Thanks in advance.

anotherskintdad 18/03/2016 at 12:44 pm

At what point does this supposed child support service get checked for validity? I have long term issues with the agency and the staff - threats, exceeding their supposed powers. I lived abroad for some years and have other children not considered by the CSA or what ever they are now to be part of their assessment of what I am due to pay. My eldest daughter is nearly 19 and the agency stated I am due to keep paying until she leaves "education" yet information in the agency criteria states it ends on the child's 20th birthday - not so their agent told me, liability ends at the end of the course year September - most courses end in May/June. It seems to me this is all made up as they go along. Its about time the minister for this is held responsible and sanctioned.

gazza11 18/02/2016 at 5:17 pm

where do you stand if you pay CSA... and you have a mutual agreement in place stating which days i have my son, and i go ahead and book a holiday again agreed by my ex partner by text then out of the blue for reasons only known to herself she changes her mind even though i have paid for his place im curious to know if there is any system/process in place for me to claim my money back through my CSA payments?

Boothy 05/02/2016 at 9:13 pm

I hav paid mentanice for my son since me and my ex wife spends it every month on new clothes and nights out for herself. My son goes without he doesnt eat properly doesnt hav clothes that fit. There must b a way that c.s.a can check up on these things!

IrateD 26/01/2016 at 3:13 pm

A few mothers my backside.. the csa is corrupt and unlawful, the government use the csa to create problems between parents.. the money is supposed to be so your child can live the same quality of life as if you were there, but what about living the same quality of life at the fathers house (If he can afford one) no concern for that what so ever.. its a bias.. unlawful and controlling system that's creating generations of abused children whether it be through alienation to obtain said csa.. If anyone can point me in the direction of the law that states you have to pay a percentage of income and not just that you should be financially supporting your child.. I've never came across it..

Moz81 25/01/2016 at 12:41 pm

CSA has major flaws that have to be addressed, I have always provided for my child. And he's always had the best! My ex went through the CSA out of spite, so she could have control of the money... The worst case possible as she spends none of the money on him, he hasn't had anything for months in the year, his clothes are shabby and stuff getting old and small. I now also have to provide for my son as well as pay CSA! This is killing me financially, and I feel I am also providing for my ex and whatever she spends the money on other than my son!
This issue has to be addressed with the CSA, it is unfair on decent fathers like myself that do provide and always have! Yet the ex has free money to spend on herself even though she is working also!
It's an embarrassment and frustrating! :(

Moz81 25/01/2016 at 12:33 pm

I'm fed up of handing CSA money over to my Ex every month and not witnessing it being spent on my son! He has nothing such as clothes, shoes, new things that I have always provided. I have never not provided for my son, my ex reported to CSA out of spite. And now the money doesn't get spent on my son at all! So CSA has a major problem with this... This issue with the CSA and my ex has to be sorted!!
It's killing me financially that I have to give CSA and also still provide for my child as its getting desperate!

:(

whitey 22/01/2016 at 2:10 pm

I think its wrong i buy trainers for my son keep receipts for them ...because i know the ex aint buying them for him so the amount should be deducted from the csa i pay her every month ...fair is fair im still providing for him

Adam 17/01/2016 at 2:26 pm

I'm going to start paying csa but my ex partner is not letting me have my child to stop with me over weekend but I see her more than 3 days a week after work! But when I full out csa form it says how many days does she stop and I have to put less then 52 days a year! Would this change the amount on weekly payments?

SeparatedDads Editor 01/12/2015 at 11:51 am

Unless it is a family-based agreement, and your ex agrees to your proposal, then there really is no way of guaranteeing the money will be spent solely on your son, i.e your ex may choose to use it towards heating or bills etc. If the maintenance agreement goes through the CMS, then the payment will be calculated totally on your earnings and I'm afraid how your ex sees fit to spend it, is entirely up to her. As specified in the article, once the money is handed over, there are no rules or regulations in place about how it is spent. Generally, mothers will spend it sensibly towards the needs of their children but there will always be a few less responsible ones who use it for their own needs.

digby1107 30/11/2015 at 12:06 pm

I am thinking about splitting with my wife and we have one child as a couple. She also has a child from a previous relationship at home with the father paying no support whatsoever. We have never had a penny from him. I havent adopted the other child so have no financial obligation as far as I know. If I split from my wife how can I ensure that any monies paid are spent totally on him and no supporting the other child? I was thinking about opening a join bank account and paying money into it monthly so I could see where the money was being spent? Any ideas please.

SeparatedDads Editor 09/11/2015 at 10:46 am

I am sorry to hear this. If you are paying through the CSA or CMS, I suggest you contract either directly to ask what the procedure is. If you have a family-based arrangement, then you can agree to stop payments. However, it is always best to make sure you have written proof that your ex has stated you are not the child's father. Should you want a DNA test, in order to make sure, you may be able to apply through the courts and the courts may request your ex to consent to the test.

Allouish 08/11/2015 at 8:28 am

Can anyone help me please .i have been paying regularly for my son each month ,but now the ex has just told me that he is not mine ,Can I just stop the payments and how can I get a Dan test done as she is not agreeable to one ?

deb1 24/09/2015 at 3:06 pm

I wrote another story concerning the boy with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, and his sister. The real point here is that these dads are forgetting that when these children get older they will be able to have a relationship with them.
These kids will know their fathers have been paying for them, that has to be good. My x has three kids now all adult ALL OF THEM HAVE NO INTEREST IN SEEING HIM.! So the only ones who lose out are the dads in the long run, keep paying and you will be repaid in full , when you want contact with your children.

jack1 24/09/2015 at 2:53 pm

After reading some of these comments , it appears that fathers are more interested in trying to find a way of not paying the absent parent money for their children!. E.g my x will spend it, always a common excuse!.
Well in my case I had two children one of which had Duchenne muscular dystrophy, he is now not with us, his sperm donor as I call him said that because he had dla he did not need to pay anything, and has not paid for his daughter either. He has his dead son's name on his arm in a tattoo [ very Jezza Kyle] by the way!. I would also like to point out he never paid for his two previous son's either to another lady. This man was never denied access and took me to court , only to have it thrown out as the judge decided my x was wasting time and really did not want to see the kids in first place, or pay for them!. So all you fathers out there who use the excuse that mothers will spend the money IS JUST AN EXCUSE! Grow a pair, be men and start paying for your offspring.

micky 19/09/2015 at 10:16 pm

I have been paying csa for 6 years now for two children that I'm not on there birthcertificats I have not been contacted by the csa for them to start the claims up to take money of me I have been receiving letters saying that I'm up to date with it all and they will continue taking money of me for another 12month at the begging when i found out csa were takeing money of me i tryed contacting the two kids mother and wanted to no why i was paying for two kids that i was not on there birthcertificats i was not there when they were born and i did ask if I could see the two kids that I was paying csa for and she replied nor . But I now have a 1 year old daughter and I no she's my daughter I am on her birthcertificat my daughter is in my name I just wondering what I can do to stop all payments and start paying for my biological daughter that I no if my child

SeparatedDads Editor 14/09/2015 at 11:44 am

If your son-in-law and his ex have a family-based arrangement, then the child support is basd upon an agreed rate between the couple. If the CSA/CMS take the money via his wages, then this is a specified amount based upon a percentage of his earnings. Regardless, of whether his ex has a new partner or not, it is still up to your son-in-law to provide for his child. However, it is also up to him if he wishes to pay above and beyond the amount specified via the CSA/CMS, if he thinks his child may need it.

gp 13/09/2015 at 2:22 pm

My son I laws ex keeps asking for more and more money
even though he pays regularly from his wages for his son. aged 7.
Our daughter and son in law have this little boy every two weeks. Provide im with new clothes and shoes and take him on holiday.
All done quite happily alongside their 3 yrs old son.
They never treat any differant.
Of late the ex wife has become involved yet again with someone. Her choice.
But does my son in law have to keep paying more and more extra for his son.
He feels he does more than enough, making sure his son is clean, well fed and cared for financially and lovingly.
Any help would be gratefully received.

SeparatedDads Editor 07/08/2015 at 9:57 am

I am sorry to hear this. However, child support is not connected to visitation rights, meaning whether you see your child or not, you are still responsible for paying towards your child's welfare. You would need to go through the courts for access. You say access was stopped because you were too 'emotional', you have not expanded on this. The courts will usually grant access or visitation rights, as it wants to make sure children have contact with their fathers. I have included a link to the article: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, link here which gives you the process you need to follow if your ex is refusing to let you see your child. I hope this helps.

Cantbelievethissyste 07/08/2015 at 1:27 am

This like all systems in the UK are open to abuse and needs to be addressed. I grow tired of reading the same story over and over about parents abusing the system.... I am a dad that is all for paying his way in regards to his child but when that same system is used not to the benefit to the child but to the parent... I lose faith. I paid for my son since birth and because she got emotional she refused me access to my child and called CSA to step in cause I advised I wouldn't pay unless contact was reinstated.... But they can after me like I robbed the Bank of England. The issue is always it's the people that want to contribute and support and love their child gets shafted and the losers and absent fathers get the free ride. It's no wonder UK has some of the worst statistics in Europe....

Disappointed father to an amazing son

Markiesun 23/07/2015 at 8:58 am

Good morning, I do every on the level for my two girls, I see them all but 2 days a week, I feed them, cloth them and everything else a father's is expected to do, they stay at mine from 12 satarday till 3 Sunday, so they only eat twice a week at their mum's, yet I still pay the legal amount, plus more than if I was to have them just at weekends, my issue is, can I ask her for receipts for what she's spending my hard earned money on, why not, no different to the council tax breakdown and what it's spent on, I'm 100% certain I paid for her wedding, my eldest caught her banged to rights cos she found the money I had been giving for the kids and told her it was for the wedding, can I ask for receipts, if no why not, anyone that spends money is entitled to a receipt, thanks Mark.

dory 05/07/2015 at 4:32 pm

My husband has a daughter 13 years old with his ex girlfriend . She lives 3 hours driving far from us . We pay for that child 400 English money every month while we struggle everyday . I can't have a baby just because we don't have enough money .We meet my stepdaughter every 3 weeks because her mother doesn't permit my husband to meet her every week . My stepdaughter has a mobile but my husband is aloud to call her only every Sunday at 4 . Recently the girl has started to don't answer anymore and my husband has sent text to her mother and like always she has ignored him . Her mother doesn't work at all and everything I meet my step daughter I see her with the same outfit and shoes . We buy her lots and lots of things but if is something that her mum doesn't like the girl gets very very scared. Years ago my sister in law has founded my stepdaughter being violent with her baby and eversion I have started that maybe she is being violent ed by her mother . We have no money to pay a layer and I am so angry and tired to see my husband feeling bad all the time . He has no rights at all even that he loves his daughter and pay for her every month . Please please help . Why does this country doesn't have free layer services for this situations ? Please please help !!!

SeparatedDads Editor 06/07/2015 at 2:10 pm

@kaz - I'm afraid that if he is eligible to play child support, he has to provide for his child's daily needs regardless of whether or not he sees her. If he wishes to see his daughter regularly, then he can apply through the courts for a more official contact arrangement. See link: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here. I hope this helps.

kaz 03/07/2015 at 10:31 pm

Hello, my partner has recently received a letter about child maitenence that he has to pay to his ex for his daughter. However his ex has been ringing him for a year stressing him saying that she will change the childs surname and that he wont be able to see his daughter anymore. Shes also has got a council house where she only pays half of the rent cause she is registered as a single mum however her new boyfriend lives there with her for free. I think its breaching the law. also when they split up he left her thousands of pounds in her bank account cause she wouldnt give him any money. Im just wondering if there is anything we can do to stop her taking and taking from him. Please help

concerned2ndwife 02/05/2015 at 1:09 am

I have a one year old child with my husband. He has a 16 year old son and pays his ex 300 a month maintenance. He goes to boarding school and until recently he came to us every weekend and at the moment refuses to have anything to do with his mother and hasn't been home in over a month at weekends. He comes to us with old torn socks, no underwear and never seems to have any other clothes than the same ones he always brings. He only has one pair of shoes, a pair we bought him for a funeral. His mother however has a brand new iPhone, Ipad, is out at the pub all the time and lives the life of Riley whilst we struggle to pay the bills and childcare. Why are there no rules in place for how the money is spent? she tells my stepson she spends the 300 quid on rent and council tax! she is on benefits and gets all that paid for!! My poor stepson has nothing new, no clothes unless we buy them and we are sick of funding her lavish lifestyle whilst we struggle each month. Aren't there rules about boarding school? And whilst he refuses to stay at home with his mother at all, is there a way to stop paying?

charlie 29/04/2015 at 12:43 pm

My wife and I separated over 2yrs ago. She moved into rented accommodation. We have 2 children aged 6 and 8 and they stay with me 3 nights a week. She is now accusing me of forcing her out of the family home and wants me to move out, to allow her to move back in. Can she move back in without applying to a court?

Kiss 13/04/2015 at 8:26 pm

Hi,
Pls can someone help me with this? We never marry or leave together my son's dad get the child benefit and child tax credit and he don't want to support me with monthly money for the child up bring, I leave with our son, am struggling as a single mum.

dave 31/03/2015 at 4:38 pm

I pay cms an my expartner has now cut my days by 1per week. I want to see my son shes saying I have to Finnish work to get him at 3 or I cannot have him, the arrangement has been going on for 4 years shes just changed her mind. What can I do.

mikey 07/02/2015 at 5:06 pm

my daughter called me and said she not recieving her child support her mom spending the money on herself i pay every month this not right what can i do

bambam 29/12/2014 at 4:28 am

I pay half of all clothing plus activities for my child so I pay my way, but I do have a problem with the other £300 amonth which she has informed me she spends it on her other child (not mine). When I was out of work I got 140 every fortnight and that had to pay bills aswell so if someone can explain how 300 is justified when I pay half of everything for my daughter so it could only be food

kate 12/12/2014 at 5:25 pm

I have been readying this thread for a bit of help.

My sons father to which I have been separated from since my son was 10 weeks old because he was cheating on me let alone abusive etc! has a son from a previous relationship and I am struggling to get him to pay maintenance for him at all, or of the correct amount, based on his theory that I earn more than him!

I can see everyone's arguments and even from the dads side as to why they seem to pay over a lot of their salary to the mothers of their children, but I think it is important that dads consider that as a single working mother, like in my case. In order to return to work I have had to take a £10k salary cut in order to meet nursery drop off and pick ups. I cannot and wouldn't choose to work full time anymore (only 30hours now) as I have to 'share' my son in my free time, run a house etc etc, I have a mortgage and a full house of bills let alone nursery fees to stump up.. along with everything my son needs.. my ex's CSA calculation is around £150 per month (seems incredibly low given what everyone else seems to be paying!). it is nothing of the financial cost I have incurred to support my son. I think that it is up to the mothers to spend the money responsibly, but definitely in my case, this doesn't even cover half the nursery costs each month let alone anything else, so both of us will not be having any luxuries. My son doesn't stay over with his father as he doesn't have adequate accommodation, when his father decides to go to a festival or away with his friends he is a no show. As a joint decision to have a baby, I feel the proposed maintenance payment seems pretty unfair on my part. I think the CSA should be more specific to case by case. The dads that see there children and really thrive upon their parental responsibility being just that! I envy that I don't have one of you!

The system tries to be one rule for many and I don't think it is ever really fair.

I personally think the system would be more fair if a low basic charge per week was given to the main parent to cover living clothes etc Then the payment was variable for other costs with proof of that cost ie nursery care ..!

JohnL Editor 13/11/2014 at 12:36 pm

@mick - yes, if you have parental responsibility and make alternative arrangements when you are supposed to have your children then they are still theoretically in your care.

mick 12/11/2014 at 10:07 pm

I cant always have my children 3 nights a week so if my family help out alot then does this still count as me helping out as its my family thats is helping and is more in my care than my ex's

Marki 29/10/2014 at 12:13 am

I have to pay my ex £140 per week CSA in an arragment but my ex wants me to pay half of the morgage £255 per month and i am struggaaling to meet my own bills. i just bought a house to live in i just cant affford to pay the morgage payments, i thought that the monie i pay her is for food and cloths ect she works gets tax credits ect is there anyway i can stop paying this morgage she is refusing to sell the house as she wants to keep also she refuses to buy my share of the property please can you advise me
Thanks
Mark

Virtual Dad 03/10/2014 at 3:34 pm

OK, emotions and vitriol to one side, I have been paying the CSA since my daughter was 3 - she will be 19 in October 2014. I've taken her on holidays, never missed a birthday etc and always been there for her. She has starts University soon doing a course that is nether an apprenticeship type nor a higher education qualification (actually makeup; god knows what that entails). I help her with her loan applications for the course and staying away from home. She has full course funding and about 65% cover for rent and bits.

Her mother now wants me to be the recipient of child benefit and pay it direct into her account. Which I'm sure is an abuse of the system. All I want to know is where do I stand with payments to the CSA (I will still support as best I can on a low income - I work part-time for a charity)?

Reece 23/09/2014 at 1:06 pm

My ex wife split us up as had affair. I take care of my daughter between 40/50% of the time. Me and the ex earn similar wages and I am paying significant child maintenance (approx £350 a month) , which I understand is supposed to be when I am not there? I am happy to pay for clothes, food, keeping warm, entertaining, etc. for the time I am not there. However, this wasn't my choice and she has her own clothes, toys at my home and I also have to feed, water, keep warm and entertain at my home. I am happy to do this but it seems strange I am in effect doing this twice when incomes are similar (and her circumstances a lot better off as she moved him into family home).

Should this be like this?

Katiebee 19/09/2014 at 9:55 am

Here hear Marley. It's like the man still wants to control his ex, that's what my ex husband does. Well I can't afford treats for the kids; especially not for myself. I wear hand me downs and charity shop gear. He goes to t in the park, stag weekends etc. the £50 a week he gives is is barely enough to feed us but he doesn't declare his actual earnings so going to the Csa would be pointless.

Katiebee 19/09/2014 at 9:44 am

My partner gives me £50 a week for my two kiddies 5&6. We were married 7 years and I earn very little while he takes his girlfriends trips away and manages concerts and holidays. After I pay my rent I'm in bare bones. He gets kids 2 nights a week and spoils them terribly and it raises stark contrast between life at mum and dads. I try my hardest. I get charity shop clothes and give kids best I can afford.
Life is living on pennies day to day and he loves how he's controlling the situation. I love my babies so much but don't know how much more financial bullying I can take. There's no point in me going to Csa as he doesn't declare how much he earns.

? 04/09/2014 at 2:14 pm

This is ridiculous, they base there calculations on over night, so when the child spends the whole day gets fed and taken places it doesn't count, because she doesn't spend the night (can someone tell me how much a child costs when they sleep i'd love to know?). They really need to have a look at how they do there calculations, make it more fairer to fathers. did i mention that buying your own clothes for the child cause the mother never brings any spare, doesn't count either. UNFAIR !! It should be all about the child whats fair to them, but all it seems to be about is money

Kevin 11/08/2014 at 5:10 pm

My ex takes the kids money and gets drunk , gets her hair done , holidays , festivals , while kids get nothing. My new wife and daughter suffer cause we don't have much at all we didn't have a honeymoon , we get hand me downs , even my daughters cot was 2nd hand , my ex lives the high life all the benifits ! My money ! Governments money ! Went to get the kids and saw 5 bottles of vodka in the bin kid came out n said he was starving ! System is a joke

jim Editor 31/07/2014 at 11:34 am

@benny, how is reducing payments going to help you see your son?

benny 31/07/2014 at 11:17 am

My ex won't let me see my son, she won't even talk to me or my parents. I pay each month over above what I should, I don't want to stop payments, but she has the family home, earns more and can afford to go on holiday, should I only pay what the law states?

Abbs 24/07/2014 at 6:35 pm

My mum does not let me have access to seeing my father because when I do she thinks I do not love her or my step dad who has been there since I was 3 and iCal him dad because I never knew different, but when I was 10 I got told the truth and saw my real dad a few times but after an argument I stopped. My dad says he pays £40 pound a month for csa to my mum but my mum tells me different even tho my dad has shown me proof, I haven't got any of this money, I am not allowed to see him or be in contact, what do I do?

SeparatedDads Editor 14/07/2014 at 2:23 pm

@emz, if you have not contacted the CSA then they will have no reason to contact your ex and demand money.

Emz 13/07/2014 at 4:36 pm

My daughter is now eighteen and her fathers name is on the birth certificate but we don't have and never have had any contact I am on benefits but want nothing of her father I am always worried that the csa will suddenly contact him saying he owes eighteen yrs worth of payments I have never contacted them so hope this will not happen I do not want my past dragged up again for any of us

Kayleigh James 08/06/2014 at 7:09 pm

What can we do if my ex not spending my csa on my son hes dressed scruffy and only has two pairs of socks up hers ?

Dan 30/04/2014 at 8:11 pm

is it true, if you have joint custody for a child, than no one will have to pay csa?

Jrt1988 29/04/2014 at 6:56 pm

I completely feel your frustration.
My partner has a daughter from a 'fling' before I met him and it infuriates me how much her mother can abuse the system. It is so, so wrong and doesn't work at all!
For example, we have just paid this month maintainance- which she has booked her driving test with!!
My husband and I work so hard, both trying to better ourselves in our career and she gets a massive cut of it for sitting on her bum!
Infuriating. Something needs done!

Ke 27/03/2014 at 1:34 pm

I have just applied for csa the father of my 2 children bothers now and again he doesn't bother with birthdays Xmas Easter etc, he says he doesn't live with his kids he's not paying for them, I was with him for 6 years he was violent that is why I finally got out of the relationship he says if he finds out that I went to the csa he will take me to court an try to get full custody bere in mind he has domestic violence on his convictions

Aimre 26/02/2014 at 4:38 pm

My partner pays 30 a week for his daughter if he opens a child are account and puts money into there will he still have to pay his ex partner the money or could we put it all away for when she older? As this money isn't going on his daughter.

Felixthecat 24/02/2014 at 10:10 am

I have a daughter to an ex partner who is now six and her mother passed away over 14 months ago to which we agreed to allow her grandmother to maintain residency(and parental rights) with her grandmother who my daughter and her mother had lived with since birth. This was the easiest solution to maintain her regular routine to deal with her mother passing awaySince her birth, I have had a good relation with the mother and grandmother, visiting weekly and providing informal regular maintenance payments for my daughter and am on the birth certificateHowever, I have been concerned the lack of discipline, and boundaries set for my daughter in the home. As grandmother is depressed and has not worked over 30 years, I worry that my daughter is picking up the same habit and not wanting to go anywhere-she doesn't even sleep in her own bed even though she has her own room! Grandma refused to complete a parenting support course to help her instil some boundaries at home and play with her granddaughter-she doesn't take her to the park or play centres-I do that and have taken her school friends out. Grandmother lacks a lot of confidence and I do not want my daughter to follow that same trait.She is fine when she stays over at mine, well behaved and does her homework, because we instil discipline whilst she is with us and we have had some really good breakthrough that she is taking home but she acts up at home. I have always worked and am getting married to my current partner of 3 years who my daughter loves and vice versa, and I am considering applying to have Isabella living with me as I feel that I can provide the best opportunities and stability for her.Do I have a chance?

lewi 16/11/2013 at 3:56 pm

why my council don't take my csa payments into account while assessing my council tax,i am long term sick and receive a modest pension

Jimmy 19/09/2013 at 10:09 pm

When is the salary of parent in receipt of the csa monies going to be taken into account? My ex wife earns more than I do and there are similar stories mentioned on this page as to my situation (no money spent on children, she has a new car, clothes, shoes, nights out and overseas weekends away) I pay over £550 per month to fuel her spending on herself! If she had her csa payments reduced through her salary being taken into consideration, would this help my boys get what I pay for?

Maz 17/09/2013 at 8:53 am

I agree with comments on here my partner has 2 children from previous marriage who he pays maintenance for we both work partner on minimum wage she sends kids here looking like tramps she is on full benefits so gets full housing and council tax benefits job seekers for herself child benefit child tax credit plus £60 a week maintenance she manages to go out 2/3 nights a week and run a car we both work so when we have kids can't afford to do much with them due to lack of money CSa have contacted my husbands few times asking about my income and I am on the understanding we are assessed on new rules I would give up my job first than give that lazy bone idle layabout anything I went back to work after each of my 3 kids cause I had no choice she should want to provide the same for her own kids

peyton 23/08/2013 at 8:51 am

What makes us these fathers think they shouldnt pay for their children the money is meant for day to day costs of childen do these fathers even have a idea how much that costs if they had to look after there children all the time they would soon relize the cost of how much it costs to bring children up .

Dave 22/07/2013 at 8:35 pm

I am having my children for two weeks in August. I have asked to pay half the csa money for that month to feed them and my ex is saying I have to still pay all the money. Is this right.

ascotty 22/05/2013 at 3:38 pm

why should you paid CSA if you not got a job or even if you have a job the government pay tax credits to the mother but when i did not have a job i did not get any money for my kids when i had them but i watch that tv program skint that girl with 5 kids an getting 1.600 pound a month that more then i get going to work

nr200 22/02/2013 at 8:06 pm

My stepson is living with us after an court order of shared residence. He's staying with father about 30% of the nights.Is father refused to pay child maintenance as my partner asked CSA to get involved and 2,5months after the order finally he started to pay £101 per month.Meanwhile he kept one payment of child benefit after child moved to us.The child is sleeping at his house 4 nights per alternated weeks.Recently he sent a text demanding child clothes to put on when he is with him.Even if this was easy, which we think is not because he picks and drops him off at school, we believe that once this is a shared resindence the child has 2 homes and we consider he shall provide his son properly when he is under his care.My question is: are we obliged to buy clothes for the child keep at father's?Other demand was about one football club hw set up for the child when he is with him after school. He says we are required to pay what he calls "after school activities".Do we have to pay for everything he sets up for his son?The thing is we supported everything for 2.5 months and he kept and spent on himself one payment of. Child benefit.Thanks in advance!!

Janice 08/02/2013 at 3:41 pm

Hi. My partner split up with his ex over a year, we live in Yorkshire and she has moved to Eastbourne. However, he is having to pay her csa £200pm plus travel expenses of £400pm. The child was born in Yorkshire. Is there anything we can do to either bring her payments down or for her to meet us half way as we are struggling with such high expenses each month.

bilkos 18/01/2013 at 10:05 am

I am struggling to make enough to even give my ex any and the CSA have assessed that I don't have to pay her any money. However I want to pay something. She doesn't work and has a minium income and I want the child to have something. It's OK to say I contribute toward my child's upkeep, but exactly am I responsible for? Clothing; food of course but what else?

M J 13/01/2013 at 9:21 pm

So sad that the government doesn't work out child support by setting an amount to keep the child and looking at both parent's income, Instead of just the absent parent.
far too many parents with care are bringing their children up on absent parents money and not contributing from their own incomes. How is that fair or equal?
Ex has higher paid job than me, new partner with high paid job, big expensive house and my child always complains of being hungry so my €500 per month clearly isn't being used on purely my child and ex certainly isn't matching me is she ?
And the government clearly encourage this money grabbing with their child support rules.
I understand that in cases where absent parent doesn't pay, or when parent with care has no income but in my case and sadly lots of others CSA are allowing this money grabbing greed

Johnny1 18/12/2012 at 8:36 pm

I have been devorsed for 9 years. My ex moved to Scotland with my 3 kids and I use to put money into there bank accounts and then she stopped me from having contact so I stopped paying money. Now my youngest is 16 and her 2nd husband left her she as now gone to csa and they are saying I have to pay £43 a week 15% of my wage I only bring home £276 a week and I have £87 rent a week £96 council tax a month gas water electric petrol to get to work. Why after all this time she gone csa when the child is 16 and they say she going collage. How will I ever know when she drops out if collage ? Why should I pay all that when she gets the family allowance child tax credit ? This csa a joke they don't think how the other party as to live. Best thing to do us go on job seekers and then she get £5 a week. But she wants my money now but she also changed my daughters surname with out my permission so how can that be justified or is it fine for her to sign my signature thought that would be classed as fraud or may be not cause she a women ???? Where's father"s rights ????

Zux 15/12/2012 at 1:17 pm

I believe that the person receiving money for the child upkeep should be paying them in to the child trust fund simply because if the parent decided to be the resident carer - than it is his/hers responsibility to care for the child no matter what it takes. The non resident parent could than make sure that once the child turns 16 or 19 the future of the child is secured as the money are there for the child to use i.e. go to University or start a business. This should rule out all of those couples "sponging" on the system blackmailing each other, because "the less he sees the child the more money I'll get". I understand that the poverty is growing but this is the life style that we have chosen - how many single parents becomes single on papers because of the Social Security Benefits levels that sponsor singles?! How many of those on benefits tends to sit at home waiting for a big fat post to be offered to them while they are getting ready to go clubbing or leaving to the pub again and again. the social security system is a support that people relay on too much, they should go out and get a job there's plenty of housekeeping jobs, kitchen assistants, but who in this society would want to work for the national minim wage ?! I guess it is time for many to wake up as the resident parent should be bale to provide evidence that they have been caring for their children i.e by providing receipts or simple accounting (15% of CSA used as rent, 15% for food, 15% for clothes, 15% pleasures, the remaining % should be savings for the child). I am sure that the non resident parents could rest finally thinking that once the care is evidenced than the child is been looked after like the appointeeship for person with i.e. LD. As an appointee I need to keep record and evidence all spending - what difference is between a mentally challenged adult whose development stopped on age 5 than a child? why we have different rules for some people ?!

Tired Editor 24/10/2012 at 10:30 am

@ Marley - I think you are missing the point here.... I don't believe anyone is saying that the PWC should not buy themselves anything. The issue is that NRP's may maintenance for their child(ren) but in some cases the PWC does not spend it on the child but themselves.

This is my situation, I am the NRPP and my partner gives his ex an agreed amount for the kids (more than CSA dictate) however, she never seems to spend it on the kids as they always need us to buy them stuff. Clothes, shoes etc because their Mum won't. We are left to feel guilty for saying that we can't afford it.

CSA have produced a set of rules/criteria that is very bias towards the PWC.... NRP's have the same essential outgoings as the PWC (mortgage/rent, council tax, bills, food) but that is not taken into account when the assessment is made and as a result the NRP's are usually left with very little to survive on. The PWC gets child benefit, working tax credits, child tax credits AND child maintenance... the NRP's get absolutely nothing!!!!

I am sick of greedy PWC's making out that the NRP's are depriving their kids of money when the truth of he matter is that the government pays more towards a child that the PWC does (out of money they have WORKED FOR). How would the PWC's cope without all their benefits (child benefit, wtc, ctc)????

Marley 23/10/2012 at 9:06 pm

I think this article creates a bad tone. It almost implies that as long as a parent with main custody of a child recieves maintenence payments then they themselves may never again treat themselves to anything nice...or even to things that they need (afterall shoes and bags are definatly needed, we cant walk around barefoot carrying our belongings in our hands) . I get csa payments from my ex but i also have my own income, albeit not tons of money but enough to be able to treat myself, or budget for more expensive shoes that will last instead of cheap ones that will need replacing in a month.
When a parent pays maintenence it does not give them a right to say that the parent with custody cannot buy themselves things. I am pretty sure that the non custodial parent buys themselves plenty of nice things all the time!
As parent with custody i need to rent a large house instead of a bedsit, i have to have the heating on when i would keep it off without the kids, i use three times the ammount of electric that id use without kids. I can no longer afford a water meter to keep water rates down. I need to buy broadband and kids tv channels for the kids to be entertained and be able to do homework when i wouldnt bother without kids. I pay out £20 in petrol doing the school run a week. I buy clothes every couple of months as they grow out of them and put holes in them...and with boys they do get holes in and cannot always be replaced immediatly...but i do as soon as i get money. I have to buy all the technology and toys that they want/need. Yes i do realise that the non resident parent needs a few things , but no where near as much as needed in a full time home.
Im sick of non resident parents making out that the money they give needs to be spent on treats galore for the children when all my money that i have to spend on my kids has to be on all the things mentioned above.

Polly 15/10/2012 at 4:26 pm

My question is that my ex says he's entitled to additional payments over and above the csa money for childcare during the holidays. I pay for them according to the number of nights a week/year I have them and of course spend money on clothes, presents and holidays when they are with me, but I thought what I was already paying covered the rest of the time? He puts them in children's clubs and says I have to pay half, but am already struggling with the existing payments, am I really supposed to pay for half of that as well? Is there anyone I can ask for clarification on this? Your advice would be really helpful

Lonely Mum 18/06/2012 at 7:58 pm

I was left the family home due to a bullying partner. Despite me handing over £350 a month, he still pursues more from the CSA. He earns more, and has a live-in girlfriend who has no need to work (I slog my guts out four days a week but with full time hours). I love the kids, and we have a great time together. But I have to buy all the clothes they wear in my house as my ex refuses to allow the clothes bought in his house (which presumably are paid for with my CSA money!) to come to my house. He looks after them perhaps one or two days more per week but essentially we have shared care as I also take them for my fair share of their holidays. I don't begrudge the kids, but I hate this system so much! I particularly hate the fact he lies about the number of nights he has them so he can have more money.I also can see the day he refuses to let me see them on certain days/nights to avoid us tipping into the next child maintenance bracket. How pathetic and sad is that. It should all be about the children.

shaneshane 14/06/2012 at 10:50 am

I have to add a comment as iv just been in contact with csa and I have to say my ex is the same goes around in top named clothes and my kids go without I buy them everything they need and all I get is put dowwn for it as she says I don't support them with every penny I earn but she says again its not enough but she gets 900pound a month on benifits and she uses that all for her dresses and shoes not to mention clubbing and holidays she's never home for my kids and treats and talks to them like they're peaces of dog crap but my concernis that I don't want to pay csa money when its going to be used for her glameous life she now lives there has to be a way that the money I'll end up paying witch the csa haven't asked what's my out goings as I have rent and bills to pay so there's got to be a way they can monitar how its spend as any father will say why should we have to pay money for the ex when its for the kids.

mandy 13/02/2012 at 7:02 pm

How much of the total money that I pay to the csa goes to my ex-husband for the upkeep of my son?

cj 23/11/2011 at 9:26 pm

Who is the csa money suppost to get spent on? The mother or daughter?

zip 26/10/2011 at 1:09 pm

I am a mother in the position of most men. My stbx never paid a penny when our children lived with claiming he couldn't afford to. Stupid me believed him and never chased anything up and I was managing fine with my small wage and the few benefits I could claim. This all changed when the children moved in with him due to my circumstances changing and a lot of personal problems. He was on the phone to the CSA right away demanding money from me. He left me with massive debts that I am still paying and this has resulted in me having hardly any money at all at to feed myself. (soup is good). He has alienated my children from me so contact is extremely rare its very very hard. You try to explain all this to the CSA and all they want is your money they don't give a flying fig about anything.

carlym81uk 26/07/2011 at 9:11 am

The CSA is an absolute joke and I agree that the payment should be made in either coupons for electricity and gas or clothing and food vouchers for the children. My very hard working partner pays a substantial amount per month for his 11 year old, and at the time his son who is now 21 but paid for a few years ago. This boy was having a cereal bar for lunch because my partners ex was not even giving him lunch money! His ex also has 3 year old to her now husband. She uses our money to pay for the 3 year olds' childcare provisions, whilst my step daughter lives on hand - me downs and cheap throw away shoes which don't fit right from primark, doesn't seem to have a shower from week to week and still seems to have no idea how to brush her teeth in the morning. It's a disgrace.

Pouts 05/07/2011 at 12:41 pm

I'm asking on behalf of my partner who's ex has now said that she will no longer send them with any clothes for the times that he has them over to stay - that he needs to buy them clothes and shoes for the period of their stay, and when he takes them back after the visit, she will get them to strip off and give their dad the clothes back.He already pays through the CSA, and has them three nights a week for their evening meals then takes them home (which obviously the CSA don't factor in at all), and they come to stay every other weekend from Friday to Sunday, where they are collected and returned each time so the ex never even has to leave the house.I was under the impression that the money paid through the CSA was for 'every day living costs' which includes basics such as clothing, so surely he has already paid for half of the clothes which are in their wardrobes at their mother's house?!

EMLOU 21/06/2011 at 10:43 am

I can sympathise with those who are quite understandibly annoyed about the lack of legal guidelines or rules in place to govern how CSA payments made to resident parents should be spent. My partner pays a substantial amount of money to the resident parent for two children which he has no issue with. the issue he does have however is that the ex wife will not agree to shared care (52-103 days)stating that he has the children less than 52 days which is not right he has them more but without her agreement the CSA will not consider this (depsite a 6 week block in the summer holidays where he has the children but still has to pay full CSA).The children are regularly sent in rags and ripped clothing and shoes that are falling apart which of course he replaces due to feeling guilty. He pays to take them on holiday every year, yet the ex wife makes no contribution to him for this. She has just managed to have a boob job and a holiday depsite being on benefits, so not only does he work hard and use his money for the children his taxes also pay her for sitting at home. She can afford nights out on the town and designer clothes and there is no thought for the children. I apprecitate that there are fathers who make no payment of effort, but why is it that the ones that are there and contribute and make every effort for their children are penalised! this is a very unfair system and perhaps instead of making cash paymetns they should consier vouchers instead such as fuel and light vouchers, clothing and food, this would then ensure that the CSA money is spent responsibly!!

jonh72 18/05/2011 at 8:01 pm

Hi Normal, In answer to your question although slightly delayed from when you posted it.I was in contact with the CSA last week regarding additional payments and was told the payment I make through them is what my ex is entitled to by law and that if she demands any more then there is no legal obligation by myself to pay anything other than what the CSA pay her.Kind regards.

Normal 29/03/2011 at 12:42 pm

My wife is adamant that my CSA payments are for the children only and that she should get substantial additional maintenance to cover all the household general expenses. It is my understanding that the CSA payments are intended to cover a part of my wife's total household costs, including keeping a roof over their heads, services to the house (water, electricity & phone), their food, their clothing and things they may need for school; also a part of the transport costs (car costs).My CSA payments are substantial and there's no way I can afford to give my wife even more money on top. She has the Child Allowance, Family Tax Credits & Working Tax Credits. I can not however find anything written down to confirm what the CSA payments are supposed to cover. Can anyone point me to a recognised statement on this?

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