Introducing a New Partner to Your Children

Author: Chris Nickson

One of the most stressful things you can do as a separated father is to introduce your children to your new partner. You want everyone to like and accept everyone else – and you’re really not sure what you’ll do if that doesn’t happen. There are no guarantees, of course, but there are a number of things you can do to try to ensure everything goes smoothly. That’s especially important for your children, who won’t understand a lot of the dynamics, and who after all, are the most important things to you.

What Type Of Partner Should You Introduce?

The chances are you’ll date a number of people before finding a serious relationship. Don’t introduce your kids to every passing girlfriend. It will only confuse and frustrate them, and when you want them to meet someone with whom you’re developing a Serious Relationship, it’ll take them longer to trust her.

It’s best to wait until you have a committed relationship with someone before introducing your children into the equation. Give things time to reach stability, where you’re comfortable with each other. Talk to her about your children beforehand, by all means, but try to avoid discussing your former partner.

One thing you have to do, as the relationship develops, is make sure you still give plenty of time to your children, all the time you can. It’s easy to become distracted in a new, major relationship, but don’t do it at the expense of your kids.

The First Meeting

The first meeting between your children and new partner should be a casual, social occasion – say a trip to the park or the cinema. It certainly shouldn’t be anything that involves stress. Introduce your partner as a friend. Don’t kiss her and hold her and include everyone in the conversation. After a while, slip away for a few minutes so your partner can briefly interact with the children. However, keep time for yourself alone with the kids during the visit, too, just as you normally would.

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Moving On

You don’t need to have your partner with you every time you have your children. But do have her join you regularly. In time, sit down with your children and explain about your relationship – obviously in terms they’ll understand, depending on their age. Remember, their reaction is important. Hopefully, by the time you do tell them, they’ll have developed their own relationship with your new partner and accept her readily.

If you and your new partner decide to move in together, make your children a part of the process. If you’re renting or buying a new place, let them make the decisions about Decorating Rooms that will be theirs – it gives them a stake in both the place and the relationship.

If the relationship allows, discuss the move with your ex. She’ll hear about it anyway from the children, but it would probably be best if you told her first, if only as a courtesy to prepare her.

Encountering Problems

You can’t force your children to get along with your new partner, so what happens if they don’t? Well, there’s no easy resolution. It’s quite possible you’ll have to make a choice between your partner and your children (and the same applies if your partner doesn’t like your children). Remember, however, that your children are with you for life. Your responsibility to them will never end. The best thing to do is try everything in your power to make sure things go well. Don’t rush anything – there’s plenty of time.

If You Leave For Someone Else

The situation is a little different if you’ve left to be with another woman. Your ex will have told the children, and you should have sat down with them to explain it, too. However, that doesn’t mean you need to introduce her immediately. Take time alone with your kids when you’re with them, and introduce her gradually, as you might with any relationship. Avoid introducing her immediately as their new stepmother; between fairytales and stories, step-parents have bad reputations. Give your children a chance to become used to her – and vice versa.

The Next Step

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59 Comments

Ask a Question or Comment

Ls 24 Apr 2021

I have a young daughter, cutting the long story short my daughter's mother has a track record of letting new partners meet both her kids(one not mine) early on, as early as 2 days of getting to know them and then having them stay nights while the kids are there. She let 4 new partners meet my daughter within a year, all within a few weeks of the relationships starting. She also has a thing for "bad boys" and abusive men, and has made it very clear she "can't handle" being treated well in a relationship. Worst part is she lies and has lied to social services in the past just to get them off her back. Obviously I have a duty to ensure my child's safety, but there's not really much I feel I can do. Any advice would be a huge help!

Rob 22 Jul 2020

@claurie.. you seem to be a very inconsiderate person for putting this person who may have some serious mental health issues down!! What happened to her as a child has affected her throughout her life. How is it her fault that she is having repetitive behavior that was displayed to her as a child?? This is coming from a professional! You really should look at your own issues and why you have the need to put somebody down like that!!

andg 20 May 2020

Can everyone on here take a breath and remember we are discussing little children and not livestock. Half the people on here do not deserve to have children. Many mothers should be ashamed of themselves for using their own jealousy and bitterness over a breakup as the driving force for why they stop the children seeing their dad. - do you not understand you are hurting them? Whilst he may have fallen out of love with you, he still loves his child(ren) very much. Children do not understand what is going on in relationships, but they feel very deeply when they are deprived of contact with a parent. You have no idea yet, of the long term psychological damage that could be done to children, when you act out of a selfish determination to make an ex partner pay for leaving you - get over yourself, no wonder he left you, if this is what your behavior was like. And Dads, whatever the reasons for the split whether you left or was no longer wanted. - That does not give you any right whatsoever to still try and control whatever decisions your ex subsequently makes. Men are far too quick to contact social services thinking this will display mothers in a bad or neglectful way. Social workers do know what is going on with the fathers who do this. It does not help and merely makes you look vindictive. Also, it causes further bad feeling and creates even more strain on any child arrangements. Both mothers and fathers need to grow up - children are not your possessions - you could not create a child on your own, remember that. - So therefore what do you think gives you the right to try to control them or deprive the other parent contact, when it is not reasonable to do so.? What type of parent does that make you if you are using them to merely hurt an ex. - This makes your behavior bad parenting also. These actions have a nasty way of coming back to haunt you as the child grows up. Fathers need to remember when the child is old enough to make decisions, the court can ask them directly what they want to do, if you have an ex that is being unreasonable. Children need both their mother and their father when ever this is possible. Far too many children have grown up damaged with emotional issues when one parent has acted out of spite against the ex, and deprived the child their right to spend time with them. It really is a cruel and disgusting thing to do when you act out of malice and not with genuine grounds for concern. - that of course, is completely different when there are valid reasons.

Katie 22 Apr 2020

Hi, I have recently got into a relationship with a guy who has 2 kids with two different mums. The kids mums both cheated on my boyfriend. The boy aged 5 has said I’m really nice and that he feels safer with his dad than his mum. And the little one is 8 months. How should we best introduce me to the little boy I’ve talked on FaceTime to him.

C.laurie 1 Apr 2020

@saco.as I read your post .as you said your father had a lack off love for you so you dig holes in your skin and have eating disorder.if her child said that to me I would laugh in her face and say I haven’t seen you sense you where 5 how is it my fault ?for your digging holes in skin and having eating disorder maybe you have a mental disorder maybe go see a doctor.and say sorry but I don’t want you in my life I’m not available for you deal with it and pull yourself together and blame yourself for your issues.

C.laurie 1 Apr 2020

@saco.i have never been to court for visitation to get the every second weekend and half holidays and (never will) .i do have (different priorities )and the child who is 16 this year and who I haven’t seen sense she was (5 )doesn’t rank real high on my (priority list) .i don’t class myself as a (good father) in fact when friends ask if I have children I say no I never had (children that’s gods truth ).put I wish the child well in life wherever she is I’m sure she is fine and turned out good .if she didn’t I don’t really care and I’m not( available for the child because there is no room for a teenage child in my life as I do have different priorities in my life and been a parent is not one off them ).

SaCo 30 Mar 2020

Hi Chris. I'm the daughter of the Separated Dad. I am now 30 years old and questioning a lot certain patterns I have developed since childhood as well as being in the process of understanding a lot regarding my relationship with my father. I don't remember all the details, neither the exact chronology of this long episode, but my parents got separated (shortly after, got divorced) when I was 6yo, same time my sister was born. My father cheated on my mother while she was pregnant with my sister and then left my mother for the new partner at that time (who he then lived with for 17 years (had another child), and who he eventually cheated on. Repeating pattern, you may say?). We then lived every other week with him. Between homes, school, homework, sports and other activities, I actually never felt at home, always in between homes, living in my duffle bag... Eventually, at the age of 16 (also coincides with when I started going out with my first boyfriend), I got tired of that and went living with my mother full time. He has always been available and a good father to his children... "Available", but not quite present, no initiative. "A good father", but not quite convening, not bringing us together. Was it that he had different priorities? Perhaps so. I try to have a healthy-ish lifestyle (thanks to physical activity/yoga and meditation which are keeping me somewhat sane) and consider myself a strong woman, but still feel very insecure, anxious and demanding, particularly when it comes to any kind of performance as well as with my general relationship with men (I have had a few partners but have been in only two serious relationships, both 6 years, and eventually in both I got bored and cheated (which I don't ever talk about as I am horribly ashamed of myself)). As for my anxiety, it manifests itself by scratching my body (mostly shoulders, arms, chest, face) and binge eating. Why am I behaving like my father is? Am I trying to fill this gap, this lack of love, by keeping my hands busy at digging holes into my skin, or with food, or by seeking being with other men (hence, falling in love rapidly, meeting someone new and already seeing the potential or not with this person)? How can I stop being needy and just feel good as I naturally am? I have been on this quest of being ok and happy with my alone-and-unique-self, doing what makes me feel good. At the same time, I have been working hard on figuring out what am I doing as I feel that I have always been just roaming/floating around, as I never quite figured out yet where to place myself, what is my mission in life. That alone can be it's own topic of discussion. To be honest with you, I am not sure of what I am asking here or even what to expect or if there is anything to respond... I have been analyzing this a lot as you may see, but this is the first time ever that I am putting down in writing this event that, as I re-read myself, shaped my whole life up to now. I guess t

Nosey 13 May 2019

I am in a realtionship with guy whos in USA , but is English i am still here he is coming over soon to join me, he has twp girls 34, and 36, he was in a long term realtionship with a girl b4 me but they never married i was being nosey and went on to x partners fb site, and see she has put or his daughter has put the name of step daughter aand under friends shes put name is my step daughter when i said this to my partner he didnt think anything of it, i feel hurt, ano its silly thing but why write that its no even true

Lguard123 19 Mar 2019

My ex moved out in January (together 23 years and married), we'd lived separate lives for 15 months after she cheated on me but stayed for children and for her to finish Uni. I met someone else, discussed it with her & she was fine, was! But now I'm engaged & everything has changed. We'd agreed weekends & child maintenance but she's gone back on all of it. I get my son one Saturday {9-4) every 2 weeks & now paying £263 child maintenance even though she stuffed me for £7500 of uni debt. She's now booked to take him away for the first 2 weeks of the Summer holidays knowing full well (last 7 years in this job) that, that is my only two weeks off at that time. The issue I have is my step daughter was allowed to see her Dad every other weekend from Friday to Sunday & she never once took him to the CSA. Do I have grounds to demand more time and/or claim discrimination, or sue. Also she is dictating when he can meet my Fiancé and my Fiancé is cool about it but it's meaning that I have to split time between them as I only see her on weekends. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Kev’o 18 Mar 2019

Correction : I do take care of my kids financially, And get them every other weekend when she allows me to. I buy them clothes and take them places. They visit their other grandparents my parents all the time. I spend quality time with them.

Kev’o 18 Mar 2019

I broke up with my girlfriend over a year ago she was very abusive in front of the kids. I am in a new relationship and I want to introduce my children to my new girlfriend and her children. But my ex do not want me to introduce my children to my new girlfriend until she meet her in person. They met on the phone and it was very abusive conversation because I left her . I don’t take care of my children financially and I didn’t get them every other weekend when she about it when she’s in her mood she won’t let me get them .My new girlfriend would love to meet my children she had told her children about my children. So when is a good time and should I let my ex meet my girlfriend.My ex and my girlfriend from not get along because of the break up.

Chris 8 Jan 2019

@hays.well need to go to (court )only way it’s common for women to do this .if your partner is a (stand up character )a man he (rasie above is petty ex )and take it to the courts .only way you take it the (old way) and you will be jailed .

hays 8 Jan 2019

Me and my partner have been together for over three years now. He has moved in with me and has a great relationship with my kids. However, I have never met his ( aged 14 and 18) His ex wife has made it completely impossible to have any normal relationship with them. They refuse to be any where near me. This makes our life hell. He still trys to take responsibility of providing lifts and meeting with them but can only see them at her house or take out to have food etc. This has a huge negative impact on our relationship and i have tried to contact her to arrange a meeting to talk about her reasons why (as they aren't any) But she just say's there is no reason for them to meet you. I am at my wits end to find a solution to this but just hitting a blank wall.

Tappy 30 Oct 2018

Hi, my ex has been stopping me see my son with my girlfriend that I have been with for two years. I am having to separate my time with my partner and her kids to spend time with my son on our own, and not as a family. This is causing problems between me and my girlfriend and as I work 6 days a week and on the 7th I’m with my son, I don’t get to spend any time with my girlfriend and her children as well as my son together. What can I do? I have suggested mediation on which she has booked a date in over 3 months and has mentioned that she will need to delay it further. This is causing great amount of stress on myself as well as not being able to have my son over. Any advice?

C.laurie 23 Aug 2018

@clarke.that is my biggest fear with my x she has many boyfriend and girlfriends coming and going and( full access to my daughter and her half brother) there is so many freaks out there it would worry me and when drinking I get angry and think bad thoughts and picture my daughter been subjected to abuse and work myself up .so today I have renewed my gym membership been over 14 months sense I last trained getting sloppy and old and cut back on the drink and stay focussed on what I want that is my daughter and I to have a stable relationship and for her to be able to come to me with anything and no she has a safe home with me .

Clarke 23 Aug 2018

Hi.. I'm currently trying to get my ex to allow me to introduce my kids to my new partner but she's having none of it.. this is having major impact on y,mew relationship as we are planning on moving in together.. worse part about this is she has already introduced my kids to a fling she had a left them over night with him for it to end a few weeks later.. what do I do

SeparatedDads Editor 9 Aug 2018

I am sorry to hear you are having a tricky time. However, what your ex does whilst she is not in a relationship with you is entirely up to her. As painful as it is, there are no rules that states she can't move someone else in across such a short space of time. Obviously, you are concerned about your children but not everyone is out to harm or abuse children. In this case, you may wish to join the Separated Dads forum, as there will be dads who have been through similar issues and it may help you put some perspective on things and/or help you through this emotional situation. If your ex will not allow you access, then your only recourse is mediation and/or take the matter to court

Lionel rose 7 Aug 2018

All I want is one weekend a month and one week at Christmas .and keep the deal of not paying child support and we signed parenting plan that I draw up and my child mother signed.she must bring all there own cloths and shoes when they stay with me and her mother never call when I have them .i call her if something goes wrong .and her mother gives my daughter 100 pounds for the weekend I have them .?

Rocky Bilboa 7 Aug 2018

Hi, My ex forced me out of the family home a week before Christmas when she was pregnant on our 3rd child. She gave birth in April 18. 3 days after she gave birth I called to the house to collect some of my remaining stuff and in the kitchen were 2 empty wine bottles she had drank the night before. I called child services and reported my concerns to them. Her reaction was to stop me from seeing or speaking to my children for 3 months and I had to bring her to court for access and guardianship of the 3 children which was granted. It was sorted out in the corridors of the court house between our solicitors and never made it in front of a judge. A week later I found out that 1 month into the 3 months she blocked all access and contact between me and the children, she moved a guy she met on a dating website into the house with my newborn son, 2 year old daughter and 6 year old son. I understand relationships break down and people move on and I can live with that. But moving a complete stranger in with a new born baby after a few weeks? She will not give me any details of who he is and has not introduced himself to me to explain his interest in my children. Is this legal from a moral welfare point of view? Its definitely not normal. I get to see my newborn son for a few hours on a Sunday and this complete stranger has full access and is nursing and living with him and my other children. I think it may be the first time in the history of life on earth that any sort of life form has done this. Where is the maternal instinct? For the record I'm going to get paternity testing done. I'm going out of my mind with worry. Anyone else experience anything like this?

SeparatedDads Editor 10 Jul 2018

There's little you can do to stop your ex getting on with his own life and making his own decisions as a parent. If he doesn't agree with your personal viewpoint, you could ask him to attend mediation in order to try to resolve these issues. However, your only other option is court, but it is highly unlikely a court would opt in your favour unless you could prove your ex's partner should not be part of your children's lives. The benchmark is to ask yourself whether you would ask permission from him when introducing another man to your children?

Stuck 9 Jul 2018

Hi I'm looking for some advice. Me and my husband was together 8 years 2 kids 3 and 4 years. He left just over a year ago since then his dated 2 people. 1st one he turned in to a nasty person. And made me ill Intruduce are kids a few weeks into it,even though she was engaged when they met. Didn't last long at all. We then got back together for 2 weeks untill he left again. His now been seeing someone for 8 months. So we spoke about him intruducing the kids but little at a time. I've since found out she's been round house alot when kids are there. I've asked him as they've only met her 3 times can he please just keep it low key outside visits as daughter is getting upset. His refusing. Where do I stand? Thanks

Phil 1 May 2018

Hi there it came to my attention on Saturday evening ( 28/4/18 ) that my ex partner has let my daughter stay with a man who she had recently just started a relationship with which they both met on Plenty Of Fish which is an online dating site and have only been seeing each other for approximately 3 months and was also told there was a picture taking of my daughter sleeping in this mans house and then placed over Facebook which then I looked into and seen and have a copy of it myself then I message my ex partner to enquire about this which at first she denied and said they where false to then I replied and told her that I had evidence of it as it was placed over Facebook which then she openly admitted over a text message that’s it’s none of my business what she does and who she leaves my girls with and she will leave them both with this new partner and she does not care what I say which to me is that her not acting in the best interest of our daughter due to this only being a recent relationship and she obviously doesn’t know this man well enough to allow any of her children stay over for a night so after that I took it upon myself to look further into this as this person in question is a friend of my mums freinds son so I looked further through his Facebook to seek further information and by my absolute utter shock I came across a post he placed on his Facebook stating “ good thing about a caravan site you can drink and drive haha ???? “ with his picture sat behind the wheel of his car holding a bottle of Budweiser and to shock me even more he was at this caravan site with both his children and my greatest fear is if he can brag on facebook about drink and driving with his own children then he’s more than capable of doing such a dangerous crime with both my children so I screenshot the picture for more evidence so then I contacted emergency social work on Sunday ( 29/04/2018 ) which to my absolute utter shock was told I had to contact the police which then I did do I went to my local police station to report what had been happening to then be told due to the circumstances I had to contact the social services office which I did do and to be told I had to contact social care direct to state my concerns which I find absolute shocking mainly due to the fact how serious this is and they will contact the social work service with my concerns which I’m totally shocked at how I have been passed around the way I have since Sunday when I strongly feel that the emergency social services should have stated to me to do that when I spoke to them and my other main concern is social work have a personal vendetta against me and feel that even though I have raised concerns at such a serious nature will not be treated in such away to the best interest off both my girls so then today I receive a call from social work to then be told there’s nothing they can do about it and had the utter cheek to then ask me what did I want them to do is there anyway I could possibly

SeparatedDads Editor 23 Jan 2018

The question to ask is, whether you asked the same when she met her boyfriend? Did you ask to meet him prior to her introducing your son to him? Your ex does not have any right to ask this. She has moved on with her life and made her own decisions and therefore who you meet and who you wish to introduce your son to, should be up to you, if you have parental responsibility. However, this is in an ideal world and people don't always fit into such neat pigeonholes. The thing is to speak to your ex first and say that you have held off for a year and given you have PR, and if she knows you, that you will have the rationality not to introduce your son to someone who you thought wouldn't be in your son's best interests to be introduced to. But, you are an adult with a mind of your own and a life of your own and need to be treated as such. However, if this causes a problem, then you should suggest mediation as a way of trying to resolve this issue. I'm sure it's not that you mind introducing your ex to your child when you feel the time is right, but I'm sure both you and she don't want to be on parade and judged. If your ex persists, or refuses to attend mediation, your only recourse would be to apply to court for a contact order, which shouldn't be a problem if you have had access to date. It is highly unlikely a court would not allow you to have your current partner in your child's life (unless there was a very valid reason). However, court is always seen as a last resort and therefore negotiation is always considered best.

Mick2008 22 Jan 2018

My ex and I split 5 years ago, and we have an eight year old son together. She has had a partner for the last 3 years (who I get on well with), however I remained single up until a year ago. I have been in a relationship for a year now and taking things slowly. My son knows about my girlfriend, but has not yet met her. My ex has demanded that she meets my girlfriend before I introduce him to my son. (We were never married). Does she have any right to do this? I am worried she will take my on away? Why should she meet my girlfriend first?

Chiefy 15 Jan 2018

My ex and I have a 16 month old little girl who is my world, I see her just as much as her mother does. Today she tells me she wants our little girl to meet her partner of 2 months. I said no please wait a bit but she insists it’s gonna happen like it or not.... My little girl and I have a great relationship but the thought of another man playing happy families with her is killing me. How do I get my head around this?

Loveable rose 4 Jan 2018

I’ve been seeing my partner for two months now, we have been getting along really well so I introduced him to my four children the youngest is 13 and the eldest is 24. But now I regret him meeting them so soon cause although we are still together at the moment there’s a slight distance between us as in our relationship. Do I keep him away from the kids and go back to just seeing him on my own to see which direction the relationship is going to take?

SeparatedDads Editor 30 Nov 2017

If the separation is recent, it is understandable that emotions can run high when either or both parties attempt to move on. If you cannot agree between yourselves, then mediation should be considered here. If your ex refuses access and/or to discuss the matter, then your only option would be to apply to court. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. Unless your ex can provide a good reason why your new partner shouldn't be introduced to your child, or be part of his life, then it is likely the court will continue the access arrangement you have previously had. However, in situations such as this, mutual negotiation is always the preferred approach. Court should only ever be considered as a last resort.

JD 30 Nov 2017

Hi Ive recently come out of a 6 year relationship we’ve been separated 3months. We have one child together, in that time I’ve met someone else and we’ve been together for six weeks my ex partner since finding out about my new partner has become difficult in regards to my son. We had an arrangement I have him for dinner Tuesday and Thursday and have him every other weekend but has now cut my time down to just a Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend, this has been for around 2-3 weeks and the first Wednesday she didn’t let me pick him up but has since! But every time I pick him up she hurls abuse at me in regards to my new partner and uses my son as a weapon in most disputes! My new relationship is getting serious despite being new and in time would like to introduce my new partner and son to each other but my ex is adamant this will never happen and has said if I do I won’t be able to see my son! I’ve reiterated many times I wouldn’t just bring another women into my sons life without making sure that our relationship becomes serious and would speak to my ex partner about it first when I do feel the time is right as I think as his mother she should know and we should have an adult conversation about it but there’s no reasoning with her! So I just want to know my rights in regards to this matter?

Chris76 Editor 22 Aug 2017

@Leigh and @Jaded - not everyone is as morally upright as you two are. My ex introduced my kids to her new partner a month into their relationship. That said I actually quite like him and he is good to my kids (and that was now two years ago). Isn't it dependent upon these factors not the length of time or who did what? You have to look at a vast cross-section of society and not that many are as moralistic as you two. So the advice should cater for everyone. People can't instruct others on what they esteem to be morally right or wrong. This advice is as good as it gets...under the circumstances!

Jaded 21 Aug 2017

Hear hear Leigh. A heartbreaking indictment of our times that such 'advice' should even exist.

Stevie 18 Jul 2017

I have recently separated from my ex we have four kids and one week on she's informed me she has a new man and wants to introduce him to my kids. I have told her it's too soon and I'm more than happy for her to be in a relationship as ours wasn't good for a while, what I haven't said to her is I think her new relationship must have overlapped ours for a bit if it's as serious as she's making out. I have also told her our kids are just trying to adjust to me being out the house and having them at the weekend I think she should wait to introduce a new relationship but she is certain that's what she's going to do. I have reiterated I'm not happy about it and don't think it's right but I don't want to argue too much as I am scared she will make it difficult for me to speak too and see my kids.

Loving guy 30 Apr 2017

Hi. I divorced 2 years ago after a very painful 3 year divorce battle. My now 15 year old came to live with me after the divorce leaving his mum with his sister. I have since in the last 9 months introduced my son to my new lady, who is 23, and we have moved in. I'm 49. All went ok at first but then my son started getting upset as most of my spare time got distracted away from him as she is very loving and needs my attention. He got my attention on a lot of weekends due to his hobby. She fell pregnant, we ended up moving out because of arguments. She had a termination after we tried to get back together but failed due to my son saying he hated her. We've again tried to move back in together but I feel sad for my son who cries and says he'll move to his mothers (who kind of hurt him trying to get at me during divorce,) and so I ask for more time from my girlfriend and she says no it's over. Trouble is the relationship we both agree is the most amazing on the planet. Do I just ship my son off to his mums thinking that he'll soon hate being there then come back? If I don't move in now my girlfriend says it's over. Please help.

SeparatedDads Editor 20 Mar 2017

I am sorry to hear this. However, I'm afraid there is no black and white answer to your question as much depends upon the individuals in question. It may be that your partner has a genuine reason for wishing to keep his children separate from you, or he compartmentalising this area of his life. There are parents that don't want any outside issues to affect the divorce, and to some extent this may be understandable. However, it sounds like your partner has other reservations and is almost holding you to ransom over this. I'm afraid this is a decision you will have to make by yourself. Your partner has doubts - that is for sure. You have to decide whether you wish to continue to be treated as though you are on some sort of relationship trial - which cannot be comfortable for you. If you feel loved and wanted in every other area of your relationship then you may have reason to continue to wait. However, if you do not and you genuinely feel excluded from his life to the point it is making you miserable, then you may wish to cut loose and find someone who will value you for who you are and include you in their life.

HCM 19 Mar 2017

I met my boyfriend five months ago online. We pretty much fell hard for each other and within a month and a half he introduced me to his kids although only as a friend which I was OK with. He has been separated for almost 2 years and hopefully his divorce will be finalized in May. We had every intention of spending Christmas Eve me him and his kids at my family's house and then Christmas day at his house with his kids. About a week before the holidays he calls me and says that he's been reading some articles about introducing significant others to kids and he feels that I shouldn't come over Christmas day. Needless to say I was extremely hurt and honestly since then our relationship has been rocky. I've put the relationship on hold and he's put the relationship on hold and I've pretty much broken up with him at least once and it all stems from this whole issue that he has his kids twice during the week and every other weekend and we don't talk at those times. He is totally off-limits. And that's a giant portion of his life that I am not included in and now I've been excluded. Prior to us having this rocky patch we had agreed that I would meet his kids officially after his divorce is finalized. But now that it's all changed because of the Rocky period He says and now he just wants to wait till the divorce is finalized before he makes any decisions. You keep sending me pictures of all the stuff that he and his kids are doing that's fun but he and I never do anything that's fun. So when I tell him to please do not send me pictures of you guys having fun he gets upset because he should be able to share that with his girlfriend and I'm like wow this whole thing is gotten jacked up and it makes me feel really sad and depressed because you're out having fun with your kids and I'm not involved. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions or advice?

Juls 28 Feb 2017

You responded to me 20 Feb so I have spoken to my ex numerous times about the situation btwn him and my daughter and he keeps saying he will sort it out. Till today he has not spoken to her abt him planning on getting married which is soon by the way. My daughter has not met his future wife as yet. He just keeps lying to her and says there is no need for him to tell her everything he will tell her when the time is right. With all his lies she is becoming more and more distant from him and never wants to talk to him when he calls and doesn't want to see him anymore. She has been suffering with headaches and eczema and hair loss which the doc after bloods came back clear has labelled this as stress. He does not want to take responsibility and says I'm stressing her out by keeping him away from her. She does not want to see him anymore and he isn't making an effort to sort things out btwn them. I even took her to his place to speak to him and he doesn't answer when we call from the intercom at his complex. I try talking to my ex but there is no winning and if I start pushing too hard he will accuse me of being jealous bcos he has moved on. And he has been doing that accusing me that I can't except that he has moved on and is lashing out at me instead of fixing his relationship with his daughter. From your articles that I have read he should introduce them and also give the child time to adjust and build a relationship with his future wife b4 getting married? Pls advice me as to what to do I'm out of options. Juls

Juls 24 Feb 2017

In response to Juls ( 20 Feb) I have spoken to my ex numerous times about the situation btwn him and my daughter and he keeps saying he will sort it out. Till today he has not spoken to her abt him planning on getting married which is soon by the way. My daughter has not met his future wife as yet. He just keeps lying to her and says there is no need for him to tell her everything he will tell her when the time is right. With all his lies she is becoming more and more distant from him and never wants to talk to him when he calls and doesn't want to see him anymore. She has been suffering with headaches and eczema and hair loss which the doc after bloods came back clear has labelled this as stress. I try talking to my ex but there is no winning and if I start pushing too hard he will accuse me of being jealous bcos he has moved on. From your articles that I have read he should introduce them and also give the child time to adjust and build a relationship with his future wife b4 getting married? Pls help I'm lost as to what to do and say. Juls

SeparatedDads Editor 21 Feb 2017

I'm afraid if a court order has been issued, then there is little you can do to have the order varied. The exceptions are if there has been a significant change in circumstances where a court would feel compelled to re-visit the decision. The fact you don't like his current partner or do not agree with the relationship she has with your child is, I'm afraid, not really grounds enough.

Miss Katie 21 Feb 2017

Almost 2 years ago my ex partner of 4 years left me & our daughter for another woman & her two children he frequently would hit me on occasions and cheated on me for years with other woman although he eventually settled down with this one. They have moved in together in my old house and eventually my ex decided he wanted to see our daughter although I refused because of the domestic violence etc but recently we have been to court and he managed to gain access to our 2 year old daughter. He now has her every other weekend although his new gf is continually posting pics of her and my child over fb etc and VERY rarely has her own children. This is a very difficult situation to be in as she is using my child to get closer to my ex and his family she tried for years to interfere and was very bitter and jealous when we had a child. I worry for my daughter so much. Any advice?

SeparatedDads Editor 16 Feb 2017

There is no right or wrong answer here and it is something that really should be agreed between you both. You don't say if your ex has moved on and whether a new man has come into her life and whether she has introduced your daughter to him. If so, then your ex hasn't really got any grounds to request you act differently. If you both have joint parental responsibility then really you are both equally capable of making decisions that you think is in the best interests of your child.

Gib 15 Feb 2017

Hi, I split with my ex over 14 months ago now and have recently become involved in a new relationship. My daughter is 3 years old and I've introduced her to my new partner as a friend only I also never show any emotion towards my new partner in my daughters company so as not to confuse her. I'm being told from her mother that she is to young and it's to soon although I only treat my partner as friend in her company. I see my daughter 4 times everywhere and only have 1 daya week to see my my partner without my daughter. My daughter and my partner get on well but am I in the wrong for doing this. Please help as I don't know what's best. Kind regards

Sarah 9 Feb 2017

Hi my partner and I have been together for over 6 months he left a 20year relationship to be with me and has 4 wonderful kids that I get on with very well but his ex keeps telling him that I am aggressive and that he's not aloud to see his kids if he's with me I new his two youngest before we even got together due to being friends with him previously, I have no children my self and is youngest daughter lives with us and has no contact with her mother we just want to know what the best thing is to do because his kids are his world

Fran 21 Jan 2017

Currently me and my boyfriend of 3 years recently had a child together. She is a few months old. However, he still won't introduce us to his other kids ages 10 from a previous divorce. His oldest son 13 ( with the same partner) came to live with him in June 2016, he tells his son to keep this matter private from his siblings and ex wife. He brings him around, they stay here 4 nights out of the week due to their busy schedule. The other kids live out of town with their mother which is he goes to pick up once a month for a weekened. When that time comes he leaves and return after he takes them home. He says hes protecting them and if the ex wife finds out she will take the older son back. Which doesn't make sense to me if he's paying child support like he says. Although he tells me the ex has a new partner around, this doesn't make sense. I have two other children 14 and 5 who wonders why they can't meet the 10 year olds.... The relationship at this point is taking a toll from the secrecies. He says he loves me and wants this to work, but I'm starting to lack trust. I feel there is something deep rooted and it's making me feel inadequate and unworthy in this relationship. After 3 years something definately not right about this, and I'm about ready to call it quits. He is a great father to our daughter but this can't continue.Opinions please. Thank you

SeparatedDads Editor 29 Nov 2016

Your ex is not obliged to tell you about the decisions he makes as a father, just as you are not obliged to tell him of the decisions you make as a mother, or judge him on the decisions he makes as a single person i.e where he chooses to go etc. Likewise, as the father, only he is responsible for paying child maintenance to support his child. If his girlfriend wishes to contribute, like your current partner it is seen as a voluntary contribution, not compulsary. I'm afraid you don't really have rights to issue 'shoulds' or 'should nots' unless you don't mind him issuing them back to you also.

Zlr92 29 Nov 2016

Basically my ex and I split over 3years ago. He had our son every weekend until he started school, then it went to every other weekend and the other Friday for tea. I found out via facebook he had a new girlfriend, he had introduced her and her family to my 5year old son, without telling me. I then put a stop to it, not forever but until the relationship was established. They now see eachother ect. Whenever my son comes home it's never just him and his dad, stories always include her. Now don't get me wrong I'm not jealous. I moved on a long time ago. But I've asked if they have moved in together and he has assured me they haven't. Yet she is telling people they are. It's not the fact they have or haven't it's the lying. Why lie? I just want a truthful answer. I have a right to know who my son is around do I not? I was truthful with him about my partner. He also uses living alone as an excuse to pay a very minimal amount for our son. My partner paid for his share of the school uniform as he couldn't afford it. Yet he can afford to take his new girlfriend to Disneyland for a weekend. His excuse it was only for two people Surely the first person you'd think of would be your child? Not the person who is allowing you to get your end wet?

Marcy25 29 Nov 2016

Hi! My ex left me Almost going on two months now,and not even a week later when he had left told me he was dating the girl he was seeing while we was still together (the girl he was cheating on me with). Well two weeks into dating her he introduced her and few more other times after to our 5 year old and 3 year old son. Now, I don't know about anyone else but when I found out I was angry. I felt it was way to soon and he didn't even know if this relationship was even going to be stable. Our oldest had seen them kiss one of the times she was visiting I told my ex how I felt about the situation and how it was to soon. That there was no way he could know from two weeks that the relationship was going to last and that the kids would get confused. Especially, with us just having separated two weeks ago (this was at the beginning of the seperation) and he replied that he would rather just tear the band aid off, and let it hurt now then do it later because he really liked her and he could see hisself with her and that our son just needed to get use to it. To me that was something selfish to say because I took it as if he didn't care how our oldest felt. He still was going to have her around him (by all means I'm ok with him moving on) but with almost two months coming up he hasn't been really around and the little that he does come around he wants to have her around instead of spending that quality time with them. I still feel that it's to soon especially the whole staying the night when they are there. Now again I am ok with him moving on because he has the right to move on and be happy, but I worry for our kids. I don't know if I'm stressing? If I have the right to feel this way? I just don't want my boys getting confused on the situation and when I talk to their dad he automatically assumes I'm the hurt one, but I've told him many times that when he is dating not only is he finding his partner he is also finding the stepmother of our boys and that he should take his time to really know someone before bringing them around someone please help me here I don't know if I am at wrong?

SeparatedDads Editor 20 Jun 2016

I'm very glad you have managed to find love again. I can only advise that you are the best person to know when the right time to mention your new love is and you must do what feels right for you. If you start a physical affair with your new partner, you are not obliged to tell your ex wife and your children right away, and you have no reason to feel guilty. Plus, you may first want to see if the relationship has 'legs' first before you make an announcement and exploring your new relationship both emotionally and physically to see if it works may be a sensible and rational approach. It means you both have a strong foundation to build from the ground up, so that when you do tell your children and ex wife then you are both established and trusting enough of each other to feel comfortable it will last any possible emotional reactions. Both you and your ex wife are currently still in the adjustment phase, so talking and being as supportive as ever to your children and ex will mean that any emotional transition is a smooth one. You don't say what the response of your ex wife and your children was regarding the new woman in your life, but small incremental mentions and testing the water is the best approach. As the article specifies, don’t rush anything - there’s plenty of time.

Andy 19 Jun 2016

Hi everyone, I am hoping for some help pIease. I have been separated for 3mths after a 20 year marriage and have 2 daughters aged 17 and 14 who now live with their mother. I met my wife when I was 17 and she was 20 and we were together for 25 years. She is a lovely person and has been the only girlfriend I have ever had. I have been quite naive about all aspects of love and relationships all my life, so it took me a long time to realise that our marridge wasnt workinga dn that the love had died. Over the last 5 years, I have known I was no longer in love with my wife but continued trying to make the marriage work until communication broke down completely between us and we both started suffering with depression. When counselling didn't work and the kids started to see how depressed we both were, I moved out. During the last 12 mths, a lady I met through work has been the only person I have been able to talk to and I have been the only person she can talk to about a disability she has so we became very close friends although there was no physical affair. Sadly, because I discussed this friendship in counselling my wife and daughters believe I was having an emotional and physical affair and this was the reason for my moving out, which wasn't the case. Since moving out my friend and I started talking more and we have fallen in love, never realising that we both have had feelings for each other for some time without the other knowing or ourselves realising it. We are soul mates and have a relationship stronger than either of us have ever experienced before but have held back on the physical side of the relationship. We both want to be able to tell everyone that we are together and start a full relationship but only feel we can do that and be guilt free if my daughters and ex wife are made aware first. After 3 mths, a formal separation agreemen is almost complete and a divorce will take place in 2yrs time and I now have an amicable relationship with my daughters and my ex wife again and I don't want to lose that. For me I have been emotionally detached for 5 years from my wife but the separation is a relatively short time at 3mths so I am plagued by the following questions.....How long should I wait before telling my daughters that I am starting a new relationship? Although my new partner says she will wait for me, how long can I expect my new partner to wait for me? What signs can I look out for to help me know when the time is right to tell my daughters?........Any thoughts and experiences would be greatly appreciated. Rgds Andy

SeparatedDads Editor 9 May 2016

I am sorry to hear you are having problems with your children over your new partner. The best way to get your children to understand is to demonstrate that by having a new partner you have not changed and love them just as much, this can be verbally, or emotionally and physically. Children can try to push the boundaries when there are new changes, mainly because they may feel a touch insecure, but they will begin to adapt over time. Including them in the things you do with your new partner will help them relax and begin to trust that you are just the same mum as you have always been.

Jillo 6 May 2016

I've been separated for 2and a half years. I have 2 children, 4 and 8. I have moved on and have a partner who has kids of his own. All is going well. However, my ex is telling my kids that he will never want to have a new partner (he's in his low 60's, I'm 37).. He tells them that he wants to give all his love and cuddles to them. This is confusing them as they now don't understand why I have a new partner. They say things like, 'you don't like my cuddles' How can I get them to understand that having a loving partner is beautiful?

Dave 28 Mar 2016

My partner and I have lived together for 6 months and i'm planning on popping the question in May. She has a 4yr old boy. He's amazing and i treat him like he's my own. We live in a nice 3 bedroom house, he has his own room with a wicked cabin bed (slightly jealous). I look after him when my partner goes to work. Not a problem, we get on very well, i'm the one he comes to wake up first thing every morning to run his bath etc. The other day my gf's exs parents were bringing him back home after having him for 3 days. We had arranged a 12pm drop off as i was taking him to Jordans for lunch and a country trail activity and meet up with his grandparents. The brought him to the door, asked if my partner was in. I said she was at work, as she always is on a fri lunch. Her ex knows this. They then said "Sorry NO" grabbed him and dragged him back to the car. I went out to find out what was going on. They told me that their son had told them if my partner wasn't there then they were to take him back to their house. So with him back in the car waving at me confused and not sure what was going on as he was being taken away from his home. We had to collect him 3 hours later. No afternoon activities. He has stated that his son will not be left with me on his own, he wants to do a full background check on me. He has a new partner who has met his son. Did she get a background check? I have invited him into our home on multiple occasions to see where his son lives the majority of the time. He has declined. He is now refusing to pick him up as it was just me and the little man here. I have never been anything but accomodating as my partners son comes first. He wants to take us to court, surely that is being totally unreasonable and will put more stress on the child!!!! Not sure what advice i am after. Just venting, is there a way for me to become a legal gurdian of the child so he feels like i can look after his child. (I already do and know more about him and spend more time with him than he does which is why i am so mad about him daring to question my integrity). Cheers

Linz 19 Dec 2015

Hi My partner left his ex for me. We have now been together for over 4 years. We have good stable jobs. Own our own house & are financially stable. Our relationship is really great & we rarely argue apart from when it comes to his ex partner & their children. I have two children of my own whom both live with us. The issue is that my partners ex does not allow him to bring his children to our house or even have any association with me or my children. She uses the "happy mummy" scenario, basically saying if she is not happy then her children are not happy. One of their children had counselling for behavioural problems and it was suggested he visit at his dad's house so he can see where his dad lives & who he lives with. It turned out that my girls & I had to leave the house for the day as his ex was not happy about me being here. I have lived with the fact that he takes his kids to mums every alternative Friday & as he works shifts so most of his off weekend is spent at his mums with his kids. We never get the opportunity to make any arrangements to do things. Bare in mind we have been together for over 4 years. I don't, drink, smoke or take drugs & I am certainly not abusive to my two children who are both girls. Is this right that he has to agree to her terms of visitation which is normally at her house during the week & off to his mums with the kids every fortnight. He had said on numerous occasions that he does not like the arrangement & feels completely powerless against her. He gives her child support for both children & even pays an extra £300 a month towards the children's up keep which I have no issue with at all as I would want his children to have the best in life even though he is not there everyday. He also picks up his children from school twice a week & looks after them till about 8 at her house when she gets home from work. Other nights after work he just pops over to see them for an hour or two & again I have no issue with this at all. He doesn't want to go to court but doesn't know what else to do. He seems to think she had the better of him & used his guilt in order to abide by what she says. It's causing shift between us as she refuses to speak with me even though I have made attempts to clear the air with her & make things simple & more helpful to her. What are his options as I am all for fathers rights to their children.

Ace1999 14 Dec 2015

Hi all, advice needed please!!! Me and my ex split before new year last year and I've been living with my parents ever since. We have 2 children girl who is 5 next month and son 3, I have been involved with the kids and got into a new relationship in Aug. My girlfriend is a single mum of 2 and on Saturday just gone I felt the time was right to introduce her to my kids, I had already met hers. Me and the kids met my girlfriend and kids at a soft play and she was introduced as a friend. Kids mixed brilliantly and we didn't kiss or cuddle or anything of that nature in front of them and was with them for no more than 2.5hrs. I told my ex and she was fine at the time now she's saying my daughter has been quiet and upset and she told my ex she wanted me to live back at home again and that's the issue. Now my ex is saying meeting my new g/friend may have set this off and she doesn't want me "messing" with my daughters feelings and suggested putting seeing my gfriend again back a few months!!! Does this sound right or is she still trying to control what goes on in my life?

lsrael 10 Dec 2015

Grown up people need to understand that this kids did not beg to come through both of them. In any relationship, the kids should receive the number one priority. Jealousy is a wicked spirit and if care is not taken, you might use it to hurt and damage your own lovely child or children. If you can not work things out between each other, since you have left each other alive, give thanks to God and go and search for a place of healing. Since you have kids together, please try to be casual friend for the kids sake.

orangecrush 2 Aug 2015

my ex partner walked out of our 10 year relationship 4 months ago, within 6 days he was in a new relationship, but didnt tell me till 3 weeks later, after telling me i wished him well and told him that he was not to tell our youngest son anything about her (he has mild learning difficulties) until at least 10 months down the line, yet 2 days later he allowed my son to speak with her on the phone, i was furious about this as my son even now 4 months on has still not accepted the new family set up and still asks when is daddy moving back home ect, and then my ex on his weekend took it upon himself to introduce my son to his new partner behind my back, i am not jealous about his relationship but furious about the way he has not put his son needs first, being on the autistic spectrum my son suffers with high levels ov stress and anxiety, and when this occurs his hair tends to fall out in clumps, he also has aloepecia, his new partner has no children and therefore has no experience of a child like my son, and how to handle him, i have now stopped contact (every other weekend) as im going to consult with a family law solictior and get some guidelines in place, that ensure that he dont go behind my back again like this, and only introduces her as and when i say it is the right time and i think that he can handle it, yet my partner has called me vindictive and heartless and has told me to tell our son that he will just see him when he is 16, am i being unreasonable? they have only been together for less than 4 months

Jim 7 May 2015

Hi, I seperated from my ex 3.5 years ago and at the time our daughter was 1yo. I started seeing someone almost 2 years ago, meanwhile my ex didn't meet anyone. I had no interest in introducing my little girl to my new gf for at least the first year as I wanted to make sure I was in a serious relationship and it actually ended up being more than a year before they eventually did meet about 10 months ago. I told my ex about my gf about 1.5 years ago and ever since she has been extremely difficult with me and caused endless arguments and stipulated endless rules about not letting our little girl spend time with my new gf. This has actually affected this as my daughter and gf have only spent 6 days together in total over the last 9 months. There are no issues they get on fine. However, my ex met someone at Xmas and has just announced that she has accidentally got pregnant, but they are keeping it and moving in together. This guy has been around my daughter regulalry ever since my ex told me about him about 2 months ago. Basically she is doing exactly what she wants even though she dictated how I should be with my gf, but thats okay as far as she is concerned as my daughter live with her. To be honest I knew this is exactly what would happen and I am trying really hard to put my anger over her hypocrisy to one side and focus on whats best for my daughter. So the facts are my ex has know this guy 4 months, accidentally got pregnant, spent loads of time with him and my daughter (my 4 yo tells me more about him than my ex does) and has just announced they are buying a house in a town 30 minutes away from where I live now. I haven't even met this guy yet. I am totally not comfortable about a guy my ex has known 4 months living with my daughter. Equally I am not happy that my daughter is being moved out of town away from her friends, school and me and also into a new house with a new guy she barely knows and then in 8 months a new baby is being thrown into the mix as well!! How is all this going to affect her and is there anything I should and can be doing to slow down this all happening so fast? I have suggested to my ex that they wait at least another 6 months if not more and develop their own relationship and take it slower where my daughter is concerned, but she is totally against that and wants to get our daughter settled into the new house etc as fast as possible. I'm lost, I'm angry and I'm really concerned. Of course I have demanded to meet this guy ASAP, but even once meeting isn't going to make me think everything is going to be fine, hes been around 4 months!! How can my ex even know this is right for our daughter?

monkeynutz 6 Feb 2015

My partner has a little girl (3) from previous relationship. I have a 4 yo and we both have little boy now 13 weeks. Weve been together just over 2 years live together. Very happy. But his ex stopped him seeing his little girl, ive never met his daughter, she lives 3 train rides away, he gies every other saturday but has never been able to take his girl out alone and refused to go into exs home. She stopoed contact when we moved in toghether, when we found out we were pregant and now when he asked for overnight contact. She said he can stay at her house if he wants this. Just to add theres no reason for him not to see his daughter alone just control on her part. So he wants to go to courtobviously for the sake of help as we cant pay for legal help ive been doing as much research as i can cram (in between looking after kiddies) feel confident enough to help him with advice re forms, process etc. Im excited about meeting his daughter although i kniw its a way off yet (me and kids will stay at a friends house the first few times she visits, only stopping for tea, then for day and when shes settled being here as usual) i know his ex hates me (dont know why i refuses to engage in her abuse even when its aimed at my children one if whoms disabled and shes used the S and R word a few times now, but i bite my tounge) one thing i dont know how to deal with is that hatrid being passed to partners daughter? I havent a clue i obviously dont want to hear my mummy said but i know it might happen. And i definatly will not put up with THOSE words around my son. Another thing my partner seems so depressed because not seeing his little girl is killing him. Heis on edge, very irretatted by everyone (he almost agrued with his best friend over something trivial and almostgot into a fight a work) luckly everyone is very understanding but he was was almost driven home by his boss becayse he broje diwn crying in work. Im crying now thinking of him in pain and i cant do anything. Im trying to be supportive but it seems like he wants space. Im giving him that but is there anything else i can do to help him emotionaly till he gets contact. I have heard it can take longer than 6 months.... itll kill him before then.

H 21 Dec 2014

My ex will not allow my girlfriend of 4 years to look after my 4 children to allow me to go to football matches etc...my children all love my partner as she is a wonderful girl...the stress this is causing is horrible...can my ex do this to us..

ap81 3 Nov 2014

Hi. I have recently started a new relationship after splitting from my previous partner. My ex is claiming that if I move in with my new partner that she has the legal right to stop her from ever meeting the kids and to stop me having them over night. Is this correct? Thanks in advance

EmilyT 9 Oct 2014

Hi Chris, I'm a Student freelancer from a new pop-up radio station called Radio Zest. I'm really interested in the article as I'm working on a feature about introducing new partners to your child/children. I was wondering if you would like to have an interview tomorrow or this weekend on the topic. It could be over the phone if you don't don't have time to meet. If you are speaking from experience, it would be great to hear your views as a parent. I look forward to your response. Kind regards, Emily Tricker

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