Martin shares his story about how he eventually obtained a residency order against the odds:
Two years ago my ex-wife had an affair with a much older man. I was aware that something wasn't right in our relationship, but I guess I was in denial because I didn't want to consider the break up of what had been a very happy marriage up until that point. We also had a very young son – at the time she met this other man he was still not two years old and I dreaded what a break up of our marriage would do to our child.
Although I was usually working long hours, when at home I loved to spend time with my son right from the day he was born. In comparison, my ex-wife had never been a particularly involved mother. I won't say she doesn't love our son, but she's never been particularly good with children and finds them 'boring'. As time went by her interest in our child seemed to lessen rather than increase. She also took on more work (or rather visiting her boyfriend and claiming to be working), so that our son spent virtually his entire week either with me, or with my parents.
Obviously it couldn't go on like this forever and when I discovered I'd caught a STI (from my wife as I certainly wasn't involved in any other relationships!) I hit the roof and it all came out in the open. We did attempt to patch things up, for the child's sake, but not long after, just before Christmas, I came home to find my house stripped of all possessions worth taking, and my wife and son missing. There was a letter on the table saying she and my son had 'gone to live with a better man' and a very strong hint that I might as well top myself because she was going to take the house and everything else I owned. Apparently I wouldn't want to carry on living as I'd 'spend the rest of my days paying for her and my son to live in my house while I lived in poverty'.
Importance of Getting a Solicitor Quickly
That was the lowest point in my life, I don't ever want to be there again. I admit I phoned the Samaritans many times that Christmas because I seriously considered doing just what she'd suggested, but love for my son and very supportive friends and family kept me from going crazy. Luckily I'd been to see a solicitor the day after she left, one of those 'first hour is free' consultations. They were very good and helped with my application for divorce. I can't state enough how grateful I was later for getting to the solicitor immediately after the event rather than waiting.
Then in the New Year things started, slowly, to pick up again. First, my ex-wife dumped our son on me, as she couldn't cope/didn't want him and her new partner was not interested. Shortly after, she went to see a solicitor and I started getting official letters demanding all kinds of things. But as I had a solicitor myself to deal with these things, I wasn't bullied into anything foolish, again counted my blessings on getting a reputable solicitor so soon after it all happened. We agreed a schedule, but immediately she started messing around with it and changing days on a whim – so I was often left sat in a cold car for hours waiting for my son.
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Following the advice of my solicitor, the next time she 'forgot' to hand over our son I contacted the police, who turned up on her partner's doorstep and persuaded her to hand over the child. The next day she, my son, and her new partner all turned up on my doorstep and her partner attempted to make threats. I just slammed the door on him, but I later found out from the police that I would have been within my rights to punch him – something to bear in mind if you're in this situation. Make sure it's clearly seen as defensive though and, if possible, that a witness is present.
The first (directions) court hearing passed without any major changes in childcare arrangements. The divorce itself came and went – my ex-wife NOT being able to make a claim on any more of my property, so I kept my house, car and sanity, despite all her threats. She and her new partner split up, she moved into a tiny flat completely unsuited to a two year old.
To get 'even' with me she had me arrested for an alleged assault and attempted rape that never happened. After arresting me, locking me in a cell and interrogating me, the police were so convinced nothing had happened they let me go with a great deal of sympathy. In dealing with the police about matters like this it seems absolute honesty and patience are the best options. They have to go through their routines even if they don't believe anything has happened. Another lesson, never lose your temper when fighting legal battles, try to stay calm, focused and logical.
The Cafcass Report is Crucial
Then started a year of legal battles over the residency of our son. The big decider here being the assessment of the Cafcass Officer and her report. Luckily for me, my ex-wife's instability and messy private life was picked up by the Cafcass Officer. Again, absolute honesty is the key. As I believe is usually the case the Judge in the Family Court went almost entirely on what was said in the Cafcass report. So if there is a key to 'winning' in the Family Court it is to leave a good impression with the Cafcass Officer, as they're only interested in what both parties can offer the child. The end result for me has been a final court order in my favour with my son having two days of contact a week with his mother.
Stay Focused on What's Best for the Child
A final word of warning though. Having said all this, my battle for my son is not over yet. My ex-wife has come back (yet again) with a bid for residency. I shall, of course, fight it, in court if necessary, and I won't let her win. It's not easy, it's not cheap and it's lengthy, so any father who wants to fight for residency really needs to think long and hard about what they will go through. At the end of the day although it might be tempting to go in with guns blazing in the heat of the moment, in quiet retrospect the only thing that really matters is the health and wellbeing of the child, isn't it? As a father if you focus on that and not on your own hurt and anger, you will be doing the best for the child in the long run regardless of the outcome of the legal battle.'
Martin Spencer (not his real name)
Thanks to Martin for sharing his experiences with our readers.
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