Checklist: The Emotional Stages After Separation

Author: Emma Jones

Whether you or your partner initiated the separation, breaking up is never an easy thing to do, especially when there are children involved. Even if it was your decision, and you know it is the right thing to do, you will still feel a range of emotions that can be difficult to deal with.

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Take a look at our checklist which outlines the most common emotional stages you will experience. Remember that you are not crazy or weak to be feeling this way. It is important to work through your emotions and come to terms with them so that you are able to move on.

1. Denial

The first stage of separation is denial. This can begin even before the break-up, when you are denying to yourself that the relationship is in trouble. You may try to convince yourself that everything will work out or that you will eventually get back together again with your ex. This is a way to protect yourself from hurt.

2. Anger

It is natural to feel angry – both at your ex-partner and yourself. It doesn’t seem fair that this is happening to you and you want to blame someone. Anger can be a very destructive emotion, though, so it is important that you channel it constructively and don’t let it tear you apart.

3. Guilt

You feel guilty that you let your relationship fail and are breaking up the family – couldn’t you have done more? There is no point racking yourself with guilt. Things happen and it is important to learn from them and make the best of your new reality.

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4. Fear

Once you have stopped denying the situation or blaming it on someone else, the truth begins to set in. You are on your own again. Out in the big wide world. Away from your child. This can be a scary prospect and you will probably be filled with fear. This is a healthy emotion that will help you decide how to move forward.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

5. Grief

Even if you wanted the relationship to end, you will still feel a great sense of loss. You will be grieving for the future that you had hoped for and all those dreams that never quite came true. You need to acknowledge your grief and deal with it before you will be able to take the next step.

6. Re-invention

When you have been through a break-up many people will face a stage of re-invention. This is the point when you look at yourself and think 'what can I do differently?' or 'how can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?' Considering these things means that you are already on the road to recovery

7. Acceptance

Once you have dealt with your emotions – which can take some time – then you will move to a state of acceptance. No, it’s not the way you wanted it to turn out and yes, you probably could have done things differently, but this is where you are now, and you can start focusing on your future.

After a separation, you can find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, swinging between anger, guilt, denial and grief. This is natural but it is important to acknowledge and deal with your emotions so that you can reach a place of acceptance and be ready to put the past behind you and look towards the future.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Father's Rights Checker lets you check what legal rights you have as a separated father. Takes 2 minutes. Try it now →

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80 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

Jdoe 22/05/2021 at 1:26 pm

I am asking my wife for divorce next week because she took the kids to Louisiana for five months and won’t come home. We argued quite a bit but mostly due to poor communication between us and overwork on my part.
Can this be rectified?

The Dude 20/04/2021 at 4:16 pm

So, I have been separated from my wife for a little over 3 years now. I still have dreams about her and those dreams bring a mix of anger and guilt for me.
Unfortunately these ridiculous feelings have destroyed what was a great relationship with a beautiful woman in the past. Now, I have found someone new, and I know I need to shake these feelings in order to develop a healthy relationship with the new woman.
I don't understand why I still have these dreams.

Nima 27/03/2021 at 11:48 pm

My partner wants to move back to her country of origin (after 15 years in the UK from uni onwards) she wants to take our 15 year old boy with her.

Lockdown really killed our relationship, she says the spark is gone and she’s unwilling to seek counselling or try to make things work.

Anyone been through relocation cases- I hear they’re very costly (100-200k) and I’d like to know what chance I stand of stopping her from moving to Germany?!

Mare 23/01/2021 at 9:01 am

I’ve been with this person for over 35 yrs. I have been disrespected and disregarded. He’s handicapped and has no gratitude w any thing anyone has done for him. I’ve lost everything I worked for. My family home, my own home, my self respect. I took a stand when we had to sell or lose our house. I found a place for myself and a job. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hate what he made of our lives. I’m so exhausted and done . He won’t leave me alone and is in total denial that I’m gone. I don’t feel guilty But I’m just going thru all kinds of emotions as I try to repair myself. I want to talk to someone

Hurt husband 05/09/2020 at 7:20 pm

Please help !!!!
I've been with my wife 13 years, I'm 41 she's 30, we've had some rough patches, however things have been very good for a couple of years. Suddenly she announced she wanted to separate (jumped into bed with a guy 3 weeks later), 3 months on she's got her own place, we have the kids 50/50. She's started dating and sleeping with a new guy and says she doesn't think we will ever get back together. I'm in bits shes my whole world, I can't stop my feelings, do I continue to fight and show her I love her and keep trying to talk some sense into her in the hope she realises what she's left behind or am I being an idiot, I'm in turmoil, I've just been signed off with depression.

Suer 04/09/2020 at 6:36 pm

Been broke up over 3 months. They already had someone else before I left so they have moved on. I am having a really hard time moving on. I have not talked to them in 2 months but they are always on my mind an advise to help move on.

Void 15/08/2020 at 11:15 am

Two years down the track of leaving an emotional and physical abuser I'm still being abused but on a whole new level. Ex partner has pressured the whole family to not associate with me. Even though my children are adults, emotional minipulation is a powerful tool abusers use long after their partner leaves. I am not able to see my grand daughter any more as my ex gets along really well with my son enlaw, who took it upon himself to feel empathy for his complaints against me. It caused my son enlaw to make threats against me causing a huge argument and not allowing me to see my grand daughter any more. It was made clear I was not welcome at my father enlaws funeral even though I was a part of the family for 35years and no one will speak to me. My youngest daughter fears isolation from the family so she also supports the negative behaviour towards me. The only possesion I received from my separation was a motorbike which my ex took it upon himself to rub battery acid over it before I could pick it up and kept the keys. Solicitors don't help victims of abuse they only care about how much money they can get out of you. Really hard to rebuild your life when ex partners are abusers.

Billy 11/11/2019 at 7:35 pm

@rainonme.people think I have (shut down I haven’t ).people think I was hurt yeah I was at (myself) more then anything for putting up with someone like my child’s mother .all I wanted was to see my (daughter) but she put me in a (difficult situation )where things could spiral out off control and end up in a fist fight with the guy she seeing just so happens to be my uncle see my dilemma?.i really don’t want to fight just wanted to see my daughter (alone on my turf )but most people don’t have a family like mine they all wanted a peace off the pie child’s (mother) more like it .so I will wait to my daughter is 18 .

Rainonme 11/11/2019 at 2:24 am

I am the one who filed for divorce. I was emotional at the time and the court process a world wind as I actually filed a tro and later dismissed it. Although DV was in the relationship it wasn’t present towards me at the time I filed. Feeling that I should not continue with the TRO I dismissed the case and tried to communicate to my spouse...we have been talking and I am trying now to reconcile and he has been so hurt by me through this that he has shut down. I think I am in the denial phase. I am suffering from depression and I am just reaching out to him in pain. I look pathetic.

Alone 18/09/2019 at 2:02 pm

So, I've looked everywhere for advice and my situation seems to be unique. See I'm a mom or at least that's what I'm supposed to be. My ex and I split up about three years ago and our son is now four. I made the conscious decision to let my son stay with his dad. See I wasn't in a financial position to support myself and my son and since I was the one leaving I wanted things to remain as normal as possible for my son. I nearly died, depression was killing me and the pain was the worst I have ever experienced. But it passed and for a while I seemed okay but I still regret all the moments I have missed. I see me son every second weekend but as he gets older I feel myself distancing from him. He is my child and I love him more than anything but I haven't felt like a mother in a long time. So, I'm not at all unhappy with my decision to leave my ex, he was verbally abusive and destructive but I can't fault him on being a dad. I just want to know if this feeling goes away, this feeling of not fully being a parent anymore.

Chris 02/04/2019 at 2:02 am

@lonedad.i have (let go )and I am (strong) I will admit I am not as (confident) as I once was .i am (single bye choice )and choose to (share house) because I don’t want to be (lonely). I am nothing like the (Jason and Kelly) and (don’t want that with the mother off my child) .i explained before I had (orders) on me and had some (extremely desperate times in my life) where I wouldn’t been able to look after her in those times I can’t look after myself .but I can’t dwell on the past it’s gone now and I will see (her again ).

Chris 02/04/2019 at 1:07 am

@lonedad.my emotional state is (ok )I was never married I had a child (very young )I was( not ready or mature enough) .i stayed with the mother for a few years on and off it was alway (rocky never stable relationship lots off arguments and cheating) but we stayed together to (breaking point where someone is going to get hurt possible lucky no one did get hurt to bad there was domestic violence on my side and I was put on probation and courses for (18 months off my life it was hell and with that happening was a decision that keeped me from going to court for visitation.it was a (wake up call) for myself I was (petrified )off jail .then I got hooked on drugs ended up (homeless for years )suffering mental health issues and( contemplating suicide) likely I never did .now I am 38 and share house I wrecked my life but i have to deal with the choice I made and make the most with what I got .thanks

Lonedad 01/04/2019 at 10:55 pm

It's very quickly 10 years since the family didn't live in the same place. It was her decision didn't want me coming home anymore in 2019. We then separated and we still are.

I started from anger, grief, and forced myself to be strong, not to reaching out with wife but deep down I believe one day we will get back together as a family, I still believe that.

In the early years, I was trying to keep in touch but keep it very brief, I used to see them once a week between 2009 to 2016. as I tried to give myself some self-respect, also I have work commitments. Things got worse I just went to see them once every 2 weeks 3 years ago and now less than once a month or even longer.

They'd never called me, wife doesn't always answer my calls these days. My kids never answer my calls, dont even read my text messages. Talking to them become very difficult or I would say we have nothing to talk about. It's heart breaking. I got very emotional. I feel sad, the loneliness is unbearable from time to time especially at night. I blame myself, as I can't move on and they seem to be happy without me.

If I don't call them from now on. That's it. I won't see my kids anymore.

How have you guys dealing with your emotions? Thanks for reading.

Rich80 Editor 23/01/2018 at 12:51 pm

@Bob - it happens all the time, both ways around. But who says who we fall in love with. Non of us are sensible really. She probably didn't want to do that to the kids - but it's happened, as painful as it is for you. The good thing is that you have access to the kids. Who is to know that things might change again. She might get fed up of him. She might suddenly wake up one day and realised she has made a mistake, then again she might not. In the meantime, you have to get on with your own life and not take it personally. We all go through crises in life where we make silly decisions. But we live with them or offload them. You have a co-parenting relationship with your kids, concentrate on your time with them and you will get over this. If you can remain pals with your ex, that's your best option. If your ex sees you getting on with your life she might realise what she's missing!

SeparatedDads Editor 06/04/2017 at 11:17 am

I am very sorry to hear this. You don't say whether the court has made a decision, or what has lead to this decision being proposed. A court will, where it can, try to ensure a non-resident parent has a fair amount of contact with their children after separation in order to help maintain a healthy parent/children relationship. If a three-year separation is being muted, you don't say who by and why, which makes it difficult to help with your question. In circumstances like this it is important to try to get as much helps as you possibly can and talk this through with as many people who you can, whether this is via support groups for the particular issues you are experiencing, or your GP who can refer you to a counsellor. Likewise, there are many telephone helplines such as the Samaritans who will help if you are feeling desperate or when you feel you have nowhere to turn. Please also talk to family and friends - the fact they are concerned about your emotional state means they care. Our Separated Dads forum may also help you, as will organisations such as Families Need Fathers herethat holds local branch meetings where you can receive the support you need. I hope this helps.

Nic75 05/04/2017 at 5:49 pm

I feel so alone with the issue. I feel as though no one is listening to me only judging my emotional state. I have 5 children and until December (10 months after splitting up with their Mum) a wonderful relationship with each and the lot of them as a group. I love my kids and have now been told it could be 3yrs until I can see or speak to them again. What can I do? No one will hear me or acknowledge how difficult this is...

Oggy 03/03/2017 at 4:38 pm

I'am a dad of 2 children under 2. Me and and my partner had been together for 4 years. In the past 6 months my partner has become nasty with me not wanting anything to do with me . I would be left to look after the children while she went out Friday night and wouldn't come back till Sunday night. She would not text once about the children when she went out. I told her how I felt so we agreed to give it another go (Denial) if we both changed. A week after this talk the going out happened again. I said that was it as I was trying so hard on my half but wasn't getting anything back. However now I feel so lonely and sit thinking what if she had changed. All I wanted it to be a happy family and spend all our free time doing family things. Now I'm in the middle of moving out but have to move back in with my grandmother and have the kids at week ends because I can't afford a place at the minute. Besides all my heartbreak I feel like just staying in the same house and not going for the sake of the kids but know it isn't right.

leev 07/01/2017 at 4:24 pm

I'm a dad of a 12 month old baby who has just split up with the babies mother. I caused the split and regret it (drink issues) and would do anything to turn back time. The pain is raw as only been 3 days but devastated isn't the word. We've already agreed moving out and financial things. How do you move on? How do you part time fatherhood?

mold 01/12/2016 at 5:15 am

Separated from my ex- to be wife about a year ago. We were together for more than 12 years, married for 11 years (both 35 years old). We had two great children that I love and adore so much. Our relationship was built with no foundation from the beginning hence the reason it collapsed. We both tried but didn't workout at the end. It was my decision to end it but her decision for a brief separation 5 years ago. I missed my family so much. After our separation, I have been an emotional roller coaster for 8 months out of 12, swinging between anger, guilt, denial and grief. I have managed to deal with my emotions so that you can reach a place of acceptance and be ready to put the past behind me and look towards the future. I thoughts i have moved on but I still misses them. My ex was so mean after I moved out but I tried to play this down and not involve the children. She involved children telling them Dad didn't care. We have agreed to start our divorce process now. I have to do everything that pleases her so that my children doesn't get involve with the mess we created. I have accepted my own part of the mess we both created, but she wouldn't admit her own part which I am not really bothered about.

SeparatedDads Editor 21/06/2016 at 1:01 pm

Many thanks for your interesting comments and thoughts.

evenflow 20/06/2016 at 8:53 pm

Is there ever a time that anyone says hey... maybe all this guilt and unsettled feelings is worth looking into instead of shoving it down like a pill? Maybe in some of these circumstances the resolution of a marriage or a family should be explored. Don't kid yourselves. Sometimes the pain does NOT go away and for good reason. Marriages and families were meant to be together, struggle and grow together and stay together through good and bad sickness and health rich and poor death do you part. ARE the kids just fine? How will they view marriage and relationships with spouses and relationships with their kids when they get older? For some of the more petty and ridiculous selfish and weak reasons people are breaking up families now a days... yes maybe you COULD have done more and should have. It's not always too late. If you can fix your marriage or put your family back together and you know you could with some honest humility, forgiveness and effort then no that guilt will not ever completely go away no matter how you "move on".

K.T 29/05/2016 at 11:25 am

I have been a father for just under a year now. My baby's mum and i where together not even 12 weeks when we found out she was pregnant. We soon split up. When my son was born we tried again and lasted just three weeks. I work and have a good job, I now live alone. But l find myself on here as I'm struggling. I used to have him every weekend, I had support from my family and friends. When I'm alone and he's upset/crying I get angry, I get angry with her too. I never used to be angry but I can't control this i just snap. Iv asked the doctor for some Counciling, I'm still waiting for this. I seem to blame her for changing my life when I wasn't ready. She already has another child. I see my son because it's the right thing to do but I can't get my head around being a father people say the moment you hold your child it changes you. I'm not sure I felt that. I find myself pushing myself away from him which I don't want to do because I love him. But I can't live my life like this I'm up and down all the time.

SeparatedDads Editor 26/05/2016 at 10:41 am

I am sorry to hear this. However, I'm afraid we cannot anticipate what will happen on a financial level, but the CAB link heremay be of help regarding the process and options your son and wife have if they do not decide to re-unite. Hopefully, your son and his ex will be able to have an amicable separation and the financial and childcare side of the matter can be decided between them.

Feroz 25/05/2016 at 11:05 am

I'm the father,I leave in Malawi in Africa. My son is 37 years old and he leaves in Leicester,married for 15 years with 3 children and now over 3 months is been separated by his wife reason is "simple argument" We are very far from my son and he is full of stress, depression and guilty, he beg her forgiveness and we too tired to clam her but she is refusing, my heart goes out to my grandchildren,my son is very hard working man and does all his duties as husband and father. My son is very desperate to go back to his family and his wife is refusing and now my grandchildren. What will happen? Who can save my son home?

SeparatedDads Editor 20/01/2016 at 10:47 am

You really need to speak to someone about this as while in the heat of the moment you may feel anger, there will be consequences if you carry that anger out. Also, any amount of domestic violence could also have repercussions regarding access to your son later on should your wife go through with the separation. Therefore, you need to take stock and view the situation rationally. Family Lives offers a confidential and free helpline service. There is also some anger management advice via the link here and other lines and avenues that can offer advice. Keeping control of your anger by speaking to someone and seeking help and possibly counselling is the best thing you can do in this situation. I hope this helps.

brett 19/01/2016 at 10:28 am

My wife told about 7 weeks ago she wants a divorce that is tired of me an unloving husband I love her than life itself we have been married for 17 years, she hasn't had work for the last her only job to take of or son, now she wants to be a roommate not a wife and date other people I'am not really open to her dating any one while she lives here,I am afraid I could go off the deep and hurt her ,my feelings are running wild one minute I am ok the next I want to hurt her please help me

SeparatedDads Editor 07/12/2015 at 11:58 am

I am sorry to hear this, especially when you have the type of relationship with your ex and son that most people would envy. Unfortunately, as you know life is never perfect and rarely goes the way we want it to. Plus, feeling guilty about our children goes with the territory, not just with those who are separated or divorced, but also those who are in secure and loving relationships. There is always something we blame ourselves for, or think we could have done better. It sounds like your son is having the best of both worlds which is two loving families and if he continues to receive such love and affection then you are giving him the start in life that we all wish for our children. If you still feel guilt, then you may wish to look into having some counselling. However, the fact you say he has shown little impact from the divorce means between you and your ex, you are definitely doing something, if not everything right.

Alexis 04/12/2015 at 9:21 pm

My wife and I split 9 months ago after she said she was unhappy in the relationship. As it happened it ultimately turned out she'd met someone at work, whilst disappointed and confused at the time, I have let go of the anger I have at her. We have a four year old boy who is perfect, and we share his time 50:50. He's shown very little impact from the divorce, albeit seems to enjoy a bit more physical attention and cuddles now. He's still very happy and my ex and I have maintained a good relationship - we can all sit round a table for dinner etc. All our friends are appalled at my ex, my family and hers keep telling me I am doing an outstanding job with my boy, but I can't rid of the guilt. I continually feel I should have done better in my marriage and that I have let my son down, I can't give him the perfect life I promised him the first time I held him in my arms. I know it's irrational, but it won't go, am I the only person this makes sense to? I'm trying really hard, I feel like I don't deserve this, but the guilt won't go.

SeparatedDads Editor 03/12/2015 at 10:40 am

I am very sorry to hear this. From what you say, it seems you are doing all the right things and taking the right action. However, as you know when in the midst of a bipolar episode, sufferers may often say or do things that are hurtful, aggressive, critical and cruel, especially when going through a manic episode. Obviously, on the other side of the coin and when depressed, they can turn away and become hostile and moody. You know your wife well and therefore know not to take her behaviour personally (being symptoms of her mental illness). I assume the new man in her life is yet to discover this. I can only advise that you stay in the background, but be supportive where needed, especially where the children are concerned. This is not easy, I know. But with an illness such as this you are always navigating unpredictable territory. However, at the same time, your counsellor is right, you also need to move on and find yourself again. You too deserve kindness and love and you should be open to this - it is very easy to neglect your own needs when you're supporting someone else. which may help. I wish you all the best.

Joe 02/12/2015 at 3:06 pm

We been married for 11 yrs. and separated from my wife for 3 months. We have 4 children. My wife is Bipolar, diagnosed after 4yrs of marriage. I was the one who decided to leave the marriage. When she is on her medication, she is a beautiful person, almost the person I fell in love with.
When she stops taking her medication she becomes a complete different person. During her depressive episode I take care of her, the kids, cooking, cleaning, and arranging our home. All this while working!
I forgave my wife for cheating 2 times in the pass, both time same person. For the pass 6 months it's been a living hell for me. My wife stop her medication, stopped intimacy, and started disrespecting me in front of family. I spoke to her in private and told her she needed to change the way she treated me. After 3 months and no changes on her behavior, I told her I had enough. I told her I was leaving and that if she wanted me to come back she needed to get help, see her therapist, and take her medication. I decided to go to marriage counseling by myself for me. I am going through all these symptoms and I'm up to fear. I am second guessing myself if I did the right thing. I still see my children and I'm still involved with the children. She is still the same, actually worse. Now she gives me attitude and it seems she is always mad.
I found out 2 weeks ago that she is seeing the same guy she cheated a year ago. I did not comfronted her with it and decided to speak to my counselor about it. He asked me how I felt and I told him "Dishonored", "Dying Inside". He said to not confront her with it because we were separated and that we were not Romantically involved. Now the counselor wants me to re-invent myself to find an identity because he feels that I am being clingy to my wife. I told him I am not being clingy, I do not call her, I do not invade her privacy and I respect her space. That the reason I know about the guy is because her friend told me about it. I love my wife, she wasn't this way before and now she is. I just want to be close to my kids. She is a great mother and I give her credit for being so supportive of them while suffering with bipolar. She is not a bad person she is a good wife doing a bad thing while not being on medication. Maybe she will decide to start taking her medication. For the meantime I will stay my ground. I can help her while on medication. She will need to help herself!
Is anyone going through the thing? What are you doing to better yourself? Tell me what you think?

SeparatedDads Editor 30/10/2015 at 11:09 am

I am very sorry to hear this. I assume you have read the other articles under the 'emotional' header on Separated Dads, if not I suggest you do. The positive thing through this is you are meeting once a week and therefore are keeping the lines of communication open. It means she obviously still wants a connection with you. You are obviously aware too of where you think you may have gone wrong. However, words are easy, it is actions that your ex will want to see. Somehwere in there is the man she first fell in love with and it is up to you to try and re-engage with that person. The best advice I can give is try to take control of the situation, and that means taking control of YOU. Work on the issues she has pinpointed, if then she still wishes to remain separated, at least then you will know you have done everything in your power to rectify the situation. At the same time, she needs to see that you are able to get on with your life. Some counselling may also help re-inforce the confidence you obviously need.

Dan111 29/10/2015 at 11:13 am

Please help I've been with my wife since we were 20. Lived together 6 years, married 3 and a half. She came home 6 weeks ago told me she doesn't love me anymore and left. I'm so lost can't eat or sleep I can't describe the pain I feel or the deep depression. She told me she loved me every day even told me one hour before she came home and left. She's since explained why she left I had not been taken her opinions seriously and she felt she couldn't talk to me. I wish she had said these things months ago. I have been having counciling and sworn to her that I have changed. We meet up once a week and are friendly but I can't bear how cold and distant she is. She swears blind no one else is involved and just wants to be alone. I belive her but am struggling to get through the days. I try very hard to be normal around her but know I look very desperate. I hate myself for hurting her I just want to give her the marriage I should of given her from day 1.

Spooky 23/10/2015 at 11:37 am

My wife and I have been together for 22 years since we were 19married and have two children we have been up and down over the years but she told me two weeks ago we are over and want to split up that was bad enough inhave now found out she has been in contact with a mutual friend texted each other for months and wants to get together and as soon as move out of the house they are going to get together and meet up with my kids as well anyone else been through this or have any advice thankyou

SeparatedDads Editor 18/09/2015 at 10:31 am

I am very sorry to hear this. I shall put your question on to our Separated Dads Facebook page. Our readers are great at giving both emotional and constructive help and advice and you may also find the page a comfort, knowing that you are not alone and there are others who feel the same. Please check the page for replies. I hope this helps.

Dan 17/09/2015 at 1:06 am

It's been 4 years since my ex took my kids away and I am struggling to find any help with how to stop grieving for my kids.

Missing my kids is not about anger, denial, acceptance... it's more raw than that.

How do you ever "accept" that your kids don't live with you. I feel in a constant state of mourning.

Please help.

SeparatedDads Editor 14/09/2015 at 2:27 pm

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. However, you should not be so hard on yourself when leaving an unhealthy relationship, which may have had a more detrimental affect on your son if you had have stayed. I'm sure you give your son the love he needs when you see him and can make up for your absence by spending quality time with him. I shall post your question on our Separated Dads Facebook page and ask if any of our members can help give some helpful advice as many have been through the same situation and have come out the other side. Keep checking back to see your answers. I hope this helps.

Richy 13/09/2015 at 5:06 pm

I've now been split 3 years from my ex and my 8 year son. I walked away from an unhealthy relationship.This was the hardest thing to do :( I see my son twice a week. In the time I have been away I have had two relationships both of which I have ended due to me feeling mass amounts of guilt. Its feels like I can't be happy or move on as I know I've changed the course of my sons life and I should be punished for it. Has anyone else had any of these feelings any advice would be appreciated.

Broken 29/08/2015 at 12:44 am

@acid_angel it's a very difficult situation to be in, but I agree it's not nice feeling like the other women when you should be their only women, there number one (besides the kids of course but they are on a different level). It's hard when you love them so much though and want to help them, I need to cut off contact really but I'm finding it difficult, because I do believe we can make it work, but it's been a few weeks and still he can't decide if he can have a full relationship with me, I know it's not easy on him, but you know if he loved me as much as he has said then the choice shouldn't be that hard! As hard as it is I know I have made the right choice for all as it was getting so difficult. It's now a case of trying to rebuild myself as I feel beaten down and worthless :-(
@lynnec I couldn't possibly think about finding another man when this one holds my heart it wouldn't be fair on anyone and if I'm in a relationship I'm in it for the long haul and because I feel nothing for anyone else because I know how much it hurts having half of a person.

SeparatedDads Editor 25/08/2015 at 12:03 pm

I am very sorry to hear this and it must be a massive shock to you. However, it sounds as though you are taking the right approach which as painful as it is, will be better for you and your family in the long run. I know it doesn't seem like it currently, but with such big changes things could go any way, she may find out this new love is not all that she wishes for, or in the future you find someone equally as lovely as your wife. The fact that you are keeping the lines of communication fully open means that hopefully you will get the best from the situation both with your wife and child. It is very early days yet and as with any big change there will be challenges, but I wish you all the best. You may find our partner article: How a Separated Father Can Move on, whichI hope this helps.

Baron 24/08/2015 at 5:16 pm

cont..,.

alone for the rest of my life while my wife plays happy families with another man and my daughter.

I don’t know where to start rebuilding my life, or how to get past losing the person I love more than anything.

Baron 24/08/2015 at 5:14 pm

I'm utterly broken.
I’m broken. I've been with a woman who is the love of my life for 12 years. We’ve been married for 8 years, and have a beautiful 4 year old daughter.

I have never been so happy as I was for the last twelve years. My wife is perfect – she is kind, compassionate, caring, and so, so beautiful. She is my one true love. My angel. We’d never had a single argument or cross word.

5 weeks ago however, all that changed and I felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me. I’d noticed my wife had not been herself for a couple of weeks, I was concerned, but knowing she had a tendency to bottle things up let her be. One day though she left her phone on the worktop – and I’m ashamed to admit this as I feel I betrayed her trust – but I checked her texts, hoping she might have said something to a friend about what was bothering her so that I could help.

What I discovered was that for the past month she’d been involved in an emotional affair with a male friend she’d met at her regular swimming session that I’d encouraged her to take up. I confronted her, and she admitted everything. I told her I forgave her, and would do anything to rebuild the wonderful happy marriage we had.

She thought about what she wanted for a day – but was convinced by her affair partner to leave me for him – and she is moving in with him at the end of the month. A total of 6 weeks after I found out – and 10 weeks into their relationship. Before I’ve even had chance to blink. Worst of all, she is taking my daughter to live with him – only three days a week as she’ll stay with me in the marital home the rest of the time, but it’s still heartbreaking to think of my little girl living in a strange man’s home without her daddy, or in her own familiar home without her mummy.

My wife has been such a big part of my life for so long that I don’t know how to be without her. She can’t explain why she looked elsewhere, other than that she wanted something ‘different’. She says our marriage was strong, she was happy, I was a wonderful husband who treated her right and she still loves me.

She’s been depressed about turning 40 since her 39th birthday – which was around the time she met this man and had talked about new cars, or new jobs – I never thought she’d find a different partner.

I love her so much, and never imagined a future without her. I still keep hoping to wake up and it was all dream, that my perfect wife still wants to be with me and we continue living my dream.

I feel so small, emasculated and worthless. I feel I’ll never trust again and that this will destroy future relationships – not that I can think about that now. We’re staying best of friends for our daughters sake and will still be big parts of each others lives as a result but even that I feel could jeopardise future relationships for me. It’s crucial for my daughters sake though, so I have to take that sacrifice for her even if it means being alone for the rest of

LynneC Editor 24/08/2015 at 2:38 pm

@acid_angel and broken. I agree, you need to value yourselves. It's an easy option for these men to use their kids as an excuse to keep you where they want you, while they continue to keep their wives sweet as well. Find yourselves a man that will love you for you. You deserve better!

acid_angel 23/08/2015 at 12:45 am

Broken, I found myself in exactly the same situation, it started to destroy my self confidence, so I too ended it. Sadly, I don't think there's a happy ending in store, I ended up feeling like he wanted his cake and eat it, and used the kids as an excuse, it was more about protecting his ex. How can you have a normal relationship when you feel like the other woman?

Broken 17/08/2015 at 9:10 pm

@FBD thank you for your encouragement, I'm trying to stay strong! And when you have been through so much with someone and the love you share, its so hard not to think of them, and their happiness, before your own, I couldn't say I loved him if I didn't put him first and with that comes his children, just as mine do to me. I really wAnt to help him through this, BUT this is the last chance it's me or her and it can only be me if he deals with the pain of the seperation anxiety of the children and lets go of the past but it's just how he does this and I don't think either of us knows how. He recons he needs to hit his lowest point but how does one get there? It's all so heartbreaking
It will only be here because of the children.

FDB Editor 17/08/2015 at 12:51 pm

@Broken - just read your last comment, and I feel for you -it looks like you are going to have to wait this one out and be strong. I would be less concerned about him and more concerned about yourself. He still gets to see his children while it is you that has been left out in the cold an he's been playing a clever game between you and his ex and it has to stop. Keep strong!

Broken 14/08/2015 at 9:10 pm

I know that's why I did it, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know he may never come back to me now.

But I still want to help him get over this pain with the children and I don't know how :-(. How do men do it?

If he does that we will stand a chance and we will be out.

Libby Editor 14/08/2015 at 1:01 pm

Good on you for doing the right thing here and hopefully making this man value you for the good person you are. Perhaps this may have been OK of him to do when you first began seeing each other, but for him to hide your relationship for two years, and expect you to continue to see each other in secret is a big ask. The fact that he is separated from his ex, means he doesn't owe her anything and it seems to me that he is wanting the best of both worlds, by keeping her sweet and dangling (especially if his ex thinks he might come back) and keeping you in the sidelines. It's about time your man manned up and stop using his kids as an excuse. As hard as it is, you have done the right thing, as this man is having it way too easy. You have given him plenty of leeway, it's now up to him to decide what it is he really wants and if it is you then I certainly wouldn't have him back until he was prepared to come out in the open about your relationship.

Broken 13/08/2015 at 4:07 pm

I wondered if anyone could help me?

I have been with my partner for a cpl of years, he left his wife after he found out she had had 2 affairs.

When he decided to leave he had fallen out of love with her 4/5 years previously but stayed for his children because her couldn't stand being apart from them. He was very much a hands on dad and he lived and breathed his children, still does. He told the children he was leaving for a few months to sort things out as he felt this was easier. But he's never confirmed that he's left for good, to them or her.

We got into the relationship and I new it all he said that he always liked me and was so happy that we could be together. The problem was few people new about and we were in a secret relationship. This is all because his children didn't know.

Well this was 2yes ago and he still hasn't told his children he's not going back because he can't it's hurting and destroying him not being s part of there daily lives even tho they stay over twice a week and he sees them 2 nights a week where they have a family dinner together. His ex still feels there a chance, because saying no to her U.S. Like saying no to the kids.

We have recently separated because it's too painful living this way. He says he knows his happiness lies withe but it's getting harder being separated from the kids. He's fighting both he doesn't know which path to take.

My question is how do I help him come to terms with not being with his kids daily? to prove that he can still be the full time dad that he wants( he does speak daily with them and there is only really one day a week he doesn't see them, he seems them more than most dads that live at home) and he can be with me too that we can make this work as our own family which we both want and also how does he go about telling them if he can accept this way of life? He loves me deeply and wants to be with me, I had to let him go so he can sort his head out but it's not what we wanted we just want him to get resolution do that he can move forward be happy and accept the situation and realise that he hasn't failed them as his kids adore him as much as he does them
Thanks

Devasteddad 12/08/2015 at 2:12 pm

Hi
I posted earlier but it's seems to have disappeared!? Just wanted some advice from others

SeparatedDads Editor 05/08/2015 at 11:06 am

@Shands - I am glad things are beginning to pick up and that your family may once again be re-united.

Shands 02/08/2015 at 1:43 pm

My wife of 21 years did the same , she seems to be reliving her youth a different person. I'd been suffering from lyme disease relied on her an awful lot also trying to bring up my young daughter it was a very difficult time . She moved out took my daughter but my son who's 16 stayed with me I which has helped me enormously we're very close . I've shed so many tears felt like I was bleeding to death , but out of the blue a fortnight ago I had an email from my solicitor saying my wife asked if I'd be prepared to go to marriage guidance , I'm a very forgiving person + I realise looking back there are things I could have done differently but that's life I suppose. I'd love my family together again it's the most important thing in the world to me , so I have a glimmer of hope and will fight to save my marriage with everything I've got.
There our so many broken families out there , I would say never give up if that's what you really want.

BrokenHearted777 26/07/2015 at 1:38 am

Hi everyone,

Glad I found this forum. I would like to introduce myself and speak about my recent experience.

I have been (what I thought) happily married for nearly 25 years. I adore my wife and thought she adored me, and know that she did up until relatively recently. However, over approximately the last year, looking back now, I can see how things started to change. Seeing it now, so much was against us.

I suffered a series of unfortunate illness and accidents since October last year and I leant heavily on my wife for help and support. At the same time, she was reading the 50 Shades of Grey books, and re-reading them over and over. She also reinvented herself, became obsessed with the gym and diet, lost a lot of weight, got a boob job, botox, etc.

We also had my elderly mother living with us who didn't like my wife too much and of course this was a sore point. However, my wife put up with her.

We moved house recently to be closer to friends and church but after we settled in she hit me with "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" I was utterly shocked. Soon after this, came the revelations of a man she had been having secret meet ups with. Another bombshell and more heartbreak, and there's so much more odd stuff that went with this whole thing. Before moving out of our new home and finding a flat nearby (she insisted she would move out, though I offered to move. One of our sons live with us by the way) she spent a lot of time texting this new guy and I could hear her speaking to him in a loving tone in the room she moved into (just before she moved out she moved from our bedroom and into the spare room). I couldn't comprehend that my wife who I love and adore could act in such a way. Soon after this, this guy dumped her by text. She then immediately started seeking after other men. She sought out dating sites, had one date last week, and as I write, is currently staying out elsewhere with another new man she's met! I am tormented at the thought of her being intimate with another man.

I will say as well that there has never been any abuse in our relationship. It has been a loving a stable happy friendship and romance for the entire marriage (with the exception of the last year). She is not interested in counselling or trying to save the marriage, and seems to want to recapture teenage years in some way.

Needless to say my confidence is on the floor, I am heartbroken, and to add insult to injury she seems to be chasing just about any man who will have her. I have cried more tears than I have ever known.

I have good support from my work colleagues, and a few good friends and family members. My faith (evangelical Christian) is also a great help and comfort to me at this time. My hope and prayer is that my wife will return to being the woman I knew. My children and I don't recognize her in the way she is acting, on the whole. She admits she may be going through the menopause and was recently seen by her doctor for h

frankie 25/07/2015 at 11:19 pm

my wife moved out aftewr 23 years seeing this other guy.............wants to house sit when i go on holidays for a week......yes or no? ask for advice

peter 05/07/2015 at 4:16 pm

Thanks for all the advice and stories guys. I'm getting there.Taking small
steps to start rebuilding my life. I have to say the hardest thing at the moment is living in this small town - I bump into my wife's extended family on a daily basis - which is a bit awkward - especially since I know my mother-in-law knew about the affair before I did and I suspect, even facilitated it. Still - it's good to start rediscovering the person you were before you got married - and when I do see my kids they come running up to me and jump into my arms (breaks my heart every time - but in a good way). Still - of all life's experiences - I rate getting separated when you've had kids with someone at 0 out of 10,000,000. It sucks.

SeparatedDads Editor 26/06/2015 at 10:44 am

@Stuie - I think firstly, you have to keep a rational head and try to separate your ex's actions by concentrating on the welfare of your children. The positive side is that you obviously recognise that your children are the most important issue here and need to be protected. If you can separate or try to remove yourself from reacting to the emotional jealousy over your ex, then you have a better chance of making the relationship work, regardless of whether you stay together or not. Please see link: Relationships With Your Ex-Partner, here. You could also read some of the other articles on our other pages which have similar themes. I know it may be not the type of literature you may normally read, but a self-help book on how to maintain your relationship with your ex after a split may help you continue to keep issues in perspective. Our Separated Dads Facebook page may help also, as many dads are going through, or have been through, exactly the same situation. I wish you the best of luck.

Bid Editor 16/06/2015 at 7:26 pm

@Peter. I know exactly what you're going through as I'm going through the same thing myself. One month ago my life was great. We had 3 kids, a lovely house and what I thought, a loving marriage. Yes there were issues but every marriage has them. I thought that together we could get through anything. Out of the blue, she said that she didn't love me and wanted to split up. No matter what I said, it made no difference. She was determined that we were through. I reluctantly moved out to my parents house. A couple of weeks later I was sure that she was seeing someone else behind my back (even though I'd not long moved out and were not even legally separated). I confronted her and she denied it strongly. I had proof that she was never were she said she was. Four days ago I caught her out at her new fella's so she admitted that she had been seeing him for 4 weeks (only a week after we'd split). She's now told me that she wants him to meet the kids. I'm distraught but there's nothing that I can do. I've told the kids it's a bad idea but I will support them in whatever they decide. It killed me saying that as inside it was a complete lie.

Peter 06/06/2015 at 7:01 am

Thank you - it really helps to know that other people have been through this and there is a way forward. I'll check out the Facebook page. Meanwhile - lots of long walks seem to be helping

SeparatedDads Editor 04/06/2015 at 10:53 am

@Peter - I am very sorry to hear this and I would like to be able to say that there is a quick cure-all, but as you well know, there isn't. As the article suggests after a separation, you can find yourself on an emotional roller coaster, swinging between anger, guilt, denial and grief. This is natural but it is important to acknowledge and deal with your emotions so that you can reach a place of acceptance and be ready to put the past behind you and look towards the future. However, that future can change at any time, as there are so many variations, variations such as there is no saying that ther relationship between them will work out, there is no saying that this experience might eventually just open positive doors for yourself in life. The most imortant thing at this stage is to hang on to your hat and channel your emotions constructively. It is a difficult stage where emotions can run riot if you let them. If you can keep calm about the situation, and step back and 'try' to look at things rationally and objectively, then all the better for you. You may find our Separated Dads Facebook page useful, as there are a lot of men going through the same issues and it will help you feel that you are not the only one. I hope this helps.

Peter 02/06/2015 at 6:06 am

Well I'm in a hole. My wife moved out with our two children about a month ago. Last night I found out that she is seeing someone else- not only that, but she wants this person to help her move some of her stuff out. I'm so angry- hurting so much as well- and I feel like such an idiot. I'd been in denial about my wife's feelings for this man for months- so when my wife finally dropped the bomb it wasn't much of a surprise. It still hurt like hell. This man is unemployed and has a history of severe mental illness- I have been working like a dog for the last ten years- just to keep my family fed and watered. When am I going to stop feeling like this?

Morgan Clara 30/05/2015 at 11:33 am

I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of xcollege, just like my parents, so when that plan didn't work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship @ yahoo . com) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship @ yahoo. com ).

Anna Editor 16/04/2015 at 2:00 pm

@gutted - I am so sorry to hear this. Your difficulties must be accentuated by the fact that you have been married for so long and it came like a bolt from the blue. I can understand that you must be feeling in an emotional turmoil which hasn't helped with you being separated from your kids. The best advice I can give is to keep a rational head. I know it is not easy in times like this. It is good that you are still seeing your kids, and they will understand if you feel a bit emotional about it, this level of hurt will take time to get over. All I can suggest is that you take it one step at a time and try and begin carving a new life for yourself, perhaps join some groups, or take up a hobby that you have always wanted to do, try to make new friends, look for support groups. Heartbreak happens to all of us at some point, but carry on speaking to her, try not to fall out, your kids will be there for you when you need and I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but life will get better.

gutted 14/04/2015 at 5:29 pm

hi...bit new and nervous to this,but here it goes..

my wife and i have been together for 15yrs and married for 9..3 wks ago she said that she wasnt in love with me anymore and adamant there was no going back! hard to swallow as we gave up alot to be together and have 4 children..a few days b4 i noticed some messages to a medium she knew but didnt think anything of it..she said she had felt like this a while but never said anything hoping it would sort itself out (so i didnt get chance to save it)..so i left to stay with a relative and absolutley heartbroken...well its week 3 and i still cant get my head round it.she says been unhappy for last 2yrs and lost spark b4 xmas..yet there were no signs wotsoever..she was posting pics of us on facebook over xmas/new year saying how much she loves me and everything was normal upto a few days b4 i left..everyone we know doesnt understand and are shocked by this...also found out that since she has been texting/calling this medium and as she calls it abit of flirting but has now changed her fone so i cannot see as i payed bill on other...says she just wants to be on her own with the kids and has made promises to them and me..also promised that we would be best friends 4ever and work together for the kids but is just breaking them as quick...i was the stay at home parent and used to em all 24/7 doing 90% of it while she worked or was out..now she says she relied on me too much and she wants to do it....im struggling to cope with it all..ive never done wrong by any of them as they are my world and love her so much and now i have been put on anxiety pills and have to see a counseller and she starting to be nasty as i have no fixed abode so i can have kids weekends yet ive told her im not ready 4 that yet..ive seen my kids everyday bar 3 and i call them every evening so im still doing my bit..this is all her doing and nobody else and all suffering cos of it...dont get it at all and yet she so adamant theres no going back..so now im so alone and feel that i dont want my kids to see me a mess but she will throw it at me even though ive been there for em everyday of there lives....any help would be great thanks....gutted and confused

sadsara 25/12/2014 at 12:13 am

O God I'm sorry I've just realised this site is for dads so it's put a bit a smile on my face I feel like I've stumbled into boys loo by accident so sorry about that ironically this is the first time I've ever posted on anything ...... so sorry again for stumbling in!

sadsara 25/12/2014 at 12:03 am

But equally I can't look at my little girls sad crying face and say you have to go every second weekend this is already so sad for her I think we should be making easier for her not harder ........

Heizenberg 04/12/2014 at 9:56 am

I've been separated nearly two months. Me and my wife had been drifting apart for months, I blame a lot of it on her working nights and me working days (rarely sharing the same bed). We have an almost four year old girl who doesn't understand what is going on. Wife has unbelievably landed herself a council flat which she has put carpets down for already. This means she is serious about never comming back, and my family is lost, it's heartbreaking. We separated two years ago for several months and I suspect she has stayed on the council waiting list ever since, I cannot understand how she's got a flat so fast otherwise. At the moment we are sharing residency for my daughter, that will probably change when she starts school in September. I work long hours and I'm struggling to hold it all together. To make matters worse I have got involved with someone who lives about an hour away who really likes me but I'm unsure about...it's too soon but then again she's the only support I've got (my family are not very close & live far away). Its driving me mad thinking about my wife texting or sleeping with other men, she won't warm to me at all if I broach the subject of 'us'. All this happening so close to Xmas is unbearable. I want my family back but she won't listen. She just looks at the negative in me. If anyone has any advice Id be greatful.

Martin Editor 26/11/2014 at 11:35 am

@De - I think mediation should be compulsary if parents can't agree. Why penalise one parent - people need to be able to get on better. I split with my ex 5 years ago now, OK we have our fall outs about once a year, but we try and work around it. It's not about us, it's about our kids having contact with both parents and trying to make it work for them. Carry on fighting the good fight on behalf of all parents who are starved of their children's love, by unkind and cruel ex's.

De 18/11/2014 at 4:28 pm

My ex, where do i start?
4-5 years together, never married, 3 kids together, 1 child from previous partner, new guy in the picture now, and another child. This woman refuses to get a job, wants to live off the state. Kids see their dad once a week for a few hours. Mediation helped and now refusing to come back. Kids are being taught to say daft things to their dad. Any mention of dad, gets ignored. Court order i think.

stressed 23/09/2014 at 6:01 pm

wow did not realise I thought was on my own after 18 years of happy mar age then becoming diagnosed with anxiety and depression she ups and throws me out now im really suicidal no wife no kids no house and now no job only way is up I hope

SeparatedDads Editor 05/09/2014 at 2:11 pm

@laterz, have a look at our facebook page, there are loads of dads who have been in your situation and can offer you some help and guidance.

laterz 05/09/2014 at 10:08 am

My partner of 15 years has just left me after 15 years and took the children.
I am struggling with coming to terms with it and emotionally in a mess.
We were going through difficulties and i was paranoid that she was seeing someone else. She became very distant and she was constantly on her phone messaging and on facebook which drove me mad. Conversation was few and far between and she never wanted to go out or do anything as a family.
She blames the break up on me pushing her away due to me constantly asking what she was doing but I tried to explain how i felt being ignored and worried that she was drifting away.
She has now left and I keep blaming myself for this happening and getting angry with myself for not trusting her.
I want her back but I am now understanding from her messages that their is no love from her side.
How do i move forward, I feel physically sick to think of her with somebody else and my kids meeting different men in the future.

Phsye 29/07/2014 at 4:15 pm

This site is very helpful, particularly this artice on dealing with emotions. I am trying to divorce my wife right now and and I am feeling really angry. I am also trying to deal with the grief of knowing what my kids and I have lost. I'm seven months into a separation from my wife after ten years of being together and five years of marriage, we have two beautiful kids. The last four years have been very stressful. In 2009 we moved to her home country after she said she wanted to be closer to her family whilst the kids were young. It has been a non-stop battle for me to re-establish my life, learn a new language, meet new friends, find work and try to fit in. I had two years at home looking after my son from 2010 to 2012, which was lovely but also very difficult being in a foreign country. I have put everything into the marriage and I have always tried to be flexible with her so that we could manage the children together, I believed that we were a team. My wife has refused to take time off to look after the children, even short periods. At the same time however, she has also complained about the jobs that she has had and left two of them. This made me feel very insecure. I have never been able to see the move to this country working out, I have been obsessively looking for alternatives, I know this affected our relationship throughout the last four years.Instead of trying to work it out, my wife 'did not communicate' and then 'gave-up'. Her words. To add the icing to the cake she has been seeing another man and had him back at the flat whilst I have been away working. I am bitterly disappointed that our relationship has failed, upset and grieving that I will be separated from my children, I feel like I have been naive and I am really confused as to whether I should stay in this country or return to the UK. Most of all I wish I had listened to the advice from older male family and friends about not marrying a career girl. All I can think of is that my children are going to be brought up with her as a role model, greed, lies and conditional love fitted in around her work schedule.

Dan 01/06/2014 at 9:42 pm

myself and my ex ended our marriage 13 months ago after only 18 months of marrage, due to her not being faithful, and due to a relationship break down. i couldnt carry on with the relationship as hard as i tried for our 6year old daughter at the time, when i left it was the hardest thing i ever did in leaving my daughter, even tho i know it was the right thing to do. i do have thoughts of was it a right decision? did i do the right thing? and it plays on my mind sometimes now. my ex says she was bothered about the break up at first and would blame me for leaving them which hurts, even tho she did what she did, but she still moved her new boyfriend in after 3 months then got pregnant with his kid after 5 month. then the arguements from her pretty much stopped. but while all this is going on my now 7 year old daughter had to sit back and watch it all, its alot for an adult to take in never mind a 7 year old. i kind of hate myself for putting my daughter through all that, theres been many sunday nights (as i have her every other full weekends) where shes sobbing to me that she doesnt want to go home because her mum doesnt spend time with her like she used to, i feel so helpless. things seem to be better with her at the minute but it still kills me dropping her off home , even tho i will be seeing her the following weekend. i dont have contact through phone numbers with my ex she doesnt want that, if i want to ask something i have to do it at the times when i pick my daughter up, but now iv got my own life back on track i have got a gorgeous understanding girlfriend who means the world to me and a house, so now i want my daughter every full weekend, but should i write up a letter and get the ex to sign it so she cant go back on her word if she starts been funny again? so i have some proof?

J 22/05/2014 at 4:11 am

Well, my wife left me after many years of being together. I love her deeply but I wasn't a partner she expected me to be. We have two beautiful daughters and we love them very, very much. We communicate very well with regards to our children and we look after them the best we can. We are both fortunate to understand that we always need to act keeping their best interest in mind. I am still in denial phase of separation and am suffering a lot. My wife is a wonderful person, beautiful and mature woman and I - throughout all these years - let myself be so stressed out about other, less important things and was not able to make her happy. I took my wife for granted, she was always beside me and I didn't want to notice that she is not happy. I regret it so so much and it hurts so deep to hear from her that she doesn't love me anymore. I am asking myself a million times a day "what have I done?" and would do absolutely anything to fix it but my wife is not giving me a chance. Separation is extremely hard on both of us but my wife will not change her mind and has been ignoring all my efforts to reunite and all my work towards becoming a better, perfect partner. I pray deeply inside that one day we can be a family again. Please pray for us! Please pray for me! Thank you for reading!

edda 11/02/2014 at 9:47 am

This site and all its letters should be shown to David Cameron, far too many sad cases that are not being heard, by anyone. I have written to my Mp's about my sons case. Brainwashing is certainly event in his case, his 10 year old refers to him by his first name, she has even changed her last name from his to the mothers, refers to me ( her nanny) by my first name when talking to her sisters. She has returned my letters saying I don't want your letters. so stop, we had such a close relationship only 2 months ago. In this short space of time she wants nothing to do with my son or me ( we have a large family) for 10 years has been there for his children, separated the last 4 years where he saw his children when ever the mother wanted to get rid of them. Since she moved her boyfriend in ( he cannot see his kids) she has managed to brainwash the eldest, what will happen when they work on the other 2. I have never felt as sad in my life and my son cannot get this out of his head, what happened, what did I do wrong??? nothing he just loved them. The mother could of sorted all this out but she won't speak to my son anymore since the boyfriend moved in. He goes to court soon but will that help. At a loss with all this hurt ,At least you can air your thoughts on this site.

exhausted 20/12/2012 at 10:29 pm

My ex has said he is going to take me to court as I wont agree to alternative christmas with the children will the courts make me give my children up at christmas! the current arrangement we have is he collects them at 2pm christmas day and keeps them till day after boxin day. I have another child with my new husband and dont think its fair that albeit everyother year that they dont see each other xmas day. we have a very strained relationship, he says he wants full custody of the children as I have proven to be a bad mother for moving the children away from him, I moved an hour away( about 60 miles) as I could not cope with seeing him around the village and bad mouthing me to anyone who would listen and to the children and needed for my own health to have distance from him and hoped moving would give us some space,i have never stopped him seein the children ever, he has the children every weekend fri to sun and on my offer to be fair reduced the amount of maintence by half which more than covers his petrol costs. he is sayin he will move near us so he can make sure I am raising the children properly can I stop him doing this I am so much happeir and so less stressed since moving away all the children have flurished greatly especially in their schools which all their teachers have numerously commented on.he records all phone calls and text messages as he says he`ll use them in court so obviously I am unwilling to speak to him or reply to his messages but the kids do ring him when ever they want and he rings them to speak to them and I make sure they tell him anything important thats going on with them yet he says that my unwillingness to speak to him about the children further proves his case I am a bad mother.i am far from stating I have been an angel when we have spoken it resorts to arguin as he name calls and slags my family off and I do fight back and let him know what I think of him and his girlfriend which I know is petty which was why I try not to speak to him if possible but I dont know what to do he is constantly pickin fights and dissagrees about every decision I make for the children but I dont want to drag the children through the courts

JAK 04/12/2012 at 11:09 pm

My Ex partner has decided that my daughter needs a wheat free diet due to irregular bowel movements. We visited a Paediatrician at the hospital a few weeks ago. The Doctor advised that it is very unlikely that wheat was a problem and advised that wheat should be re introduced to her diet. Only after wheat is re introduced to her diet is it possible to test for wheat intolerance due to the possibility of a "false negative result" although he felt that she was healthy. My ex has previously restricted important food stuffs including dairy products originating from cows milk which I feel are essential for a 2 year old.I have expressed my concerns and my ex is now becoming difficult over access. My daughter normally stays overnight 2-3 nights per week and I feel that this is because of me questioning her dietary restrictions. I am concerned over my daughters welfare. I have no doubt that my ex loves my daughter, however I feel that she has a psychological problem that may have a detrimental effect on my daughter's well being.When we speak, my ex is confrontational and I find it very difficult to remain calm and speak in an eloquent manner. What is the best way for me to ensure that my daughter receives the nourishment she needs without alienating her mother into denying me access?

DJN 24/10/2012 at 1:38 pm

Well I was feeling pretty down before i started reading here, close to suicidal now. Cheer!

SeparatedDads Editor 06/07/2015 at 1:46 pm

@chris - it sounds as though there is still a healthy amount of communication within your relationship, which helps. However, you also have to accept your ex's reasons for wanting the separation. This means you may have to stand back a little and respect her judgement, especially as you say she goes quiet when you bring the subject up, which means she does not wish to discuss it. You also need to begin to get on with your own life, rather than putting it on hold, so taking up a few new hobbies will also help. Taking control of you own life and living it confidently is always an attractive quality that will not only help your own self-esteem, but make you more attractive to others including possibly your ex. Communication is key, but not too much that you drive her off. It's all about creating a respectful balance and of course being there for your child. I have included a link to the article Dealing with being Alone, here which should help. I wish you luck for the future.

Chris 04/10/2012 at 8:57 am

A friend of mine said it takes about two years to get over a deep relationship. At the time I doubted it but after my own separation (initiated by my wife) I found it to be true. It takes that long to work through things inside. There’s still baggage when the time is over but by then it’s manageable.

MrH 18/04/2012 at 1:43 pm

This site has got lots of helpful information I will keep reflecting back to it as I go through my divorce, thank you...

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