Recommended Reading for Separated Dads

Author: Clare Birtles

From time to time we are asked for details of books and publications related to Separated Dads. Below is some information about books that our website visitors, fanpage members and legal team recommend.

Before investing time in these books, it helps to understand your specific situation as a separated father using our free Rights Checker.

Helping Children Cope with Divorce 2001
by Edward Tayber

Helping Children Cope with Divorce has been named One of the 10 Best Parenting Books of the Year by Child Magazine. This revised edition helps you minimise stress during your initial break-up and ultimate separation, explain divorce to children so they don't blame themselves, protect children from parental hostilities and navigate conflicts of loyalty and alliance.

Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive
by Robert.E.Emery

The Truth About Children and Divorce presents compassionate guidelines for divorcing parents on how to manage a divorce and its aftermath while promoting child resiliency and wellbeing, discussing such topics as the benefits of constructive fighting, handling the legal side of a divorce appropriately, and therapeutic parenting.

Letter Builder

Generate a professional letter to your ex, solicitor or school. Takes 2 minutes.

Try our Letter Builder free, here on this site →

Hershman and McFarlane Children Act Handbook 2010/2011
by The Hon Mr Justice McFarlane

Published annually, Hershman & McFarlane Children Act Handbook provides a single volume source of key children proceedings legislation and related guidance. It contains consolidated, fully amended and annotated texts of the Children Act 1989. This book meets the need for a reliable, up-to-date and yet still portable source and will be used in court by all child law practitioners, judges and social workers.

Applications Under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989
Bazley J. QC et al.

Schedule 1 applications ensure that a child's financial needs are met, they can provide three forms of financial relief for a child, namely: a maintenance order, settlement, or transfer of property order against either or both parents a periodical payments order or lump sum order in favour of a child who has reached 18 and is undergoing education/training variation of an existing maintenance agreement containing financial arrangements This new publication is a practical guide to the practice, law and procedure in respect of Schedule 1 applications and includes case summaries plus sample forms and orders.

Resolution Family Law Handbook
Edited by Andrew Greensmith

Authoritative and fully up-to-date, this new handbook provides invaluable coverage of best practice on every aspect of family law. Published in association with Resolution, the leading family lawyers' association, and edited by its National Chair, it is both comprehensive and practical. The contributors are all leading family lawyers and between them cover all the key aspects in detail from marriage and civil partnership through to children proceedings and inheritance claims. Designed to be user-friendly, the handbook offers a range of time-saving checklists, pro forma letters and a useful contacts section.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Letter Builder lets you generate a professional letter to your ex, solicitor or school. Takes 2 minutes. Try it now →

66 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

Sexy 02/03/2021 at 1:31 pm

Hi I have three children to my ex partner, I have paid maintenance, for year's however, now my youngest is nearly 18 in August of this year..
She has a job in McDonalds but she has claimed to me, she attends college full time! how can I prove she is attending college for sure?.as her and her mother can tell some lies, inorder to get money from me as long as they can. My ex had the audacity to ask if my youngest went t uni, would I still pay for her? Can you help please...

SH 10/04/2020 at 7:30 am

Hey,

I have my kids 3 nights per week but my ex will only agree that it is 2. This means that the maintenance I’m being asked to pay is more than it should be. During lockdown I’m being asked to carry out 3 days of home school and all of Sunday afternoon but paying for 5 days and 5 nights of maintenance. I can’t actually afford it. What can I do.

mike 17/03/2020 at 4:35 am

Hi. I have been separated from my two children. I need help. My wife stole my daughter and son and moved to Georgia in 2010. I love my children deeply and desire deeply to be with them. please can you help me and pray for me to find them

Rach 05/01/2020 at 9:55 pm

Hi all, looking after a little bit of advice as my other half wouldn’t know where to start. My partner has a1 year old beautiful little boy who’s ex partner is reducing contact to suit the grandparents. His ex still lives with her mum and dad who control her (which she has yet to see) and call the shots. She had an ‘agreement’ written up by a solicitor to which he has not signed that his parents pick his son up on a Sunday 10am until 5pm (she works weekends) which they have been doing religiously and up until recently they have needed him to be collected at 9.30 which his parents can not do, which he explained they are unable to do however I can collect his son and he would go to the door to collect, which he did this weekend and she was fully aware of, but failed to tell her mother so when he went t9mthe door today it resulted in an argument (from the grandmother) to him to which he would not engage in and explained that he was only there to collect his son as agreed, due to previous bad blood between them she kicked off. Since then after he was dropped off at the correct time by his mother, the mother of the child had back tracked then whole conversation and has now stated he can no longer have access to his son on the agreed date because of the bad blood between him and the Ex mother in law and she can only offer the alternative of a week day, to which he works full time in order to provide for his son. We are not seeking legal advice on this... can anyone sugg3st a starting point.. thank you In advance x

Sean 28/08/2019 at 3:51 pm

Hi there,

My daughter is 8 years old & lives with her mother, just as a default when we separated back when she was 10months old. I am on her birth certificate.
Over the last few years my daughter has fallen behind at school, has a bad diet and is very socially awkward. I address these issues with her mother and she does talk and agree about these things but when it comes to trying to change them, because it’s hard work she isn’t doing the things that are needed, food, reading with her ect.
I am trying to come to agreements with her and now she basically isn’t allowing my input & telling me I’m not her priority parent, she is, so I need to fall in with what she wants.
I feel my daughter is being neglected and I just feel it is covered up with lies, but I’m stuck with what I can do in the situation as I can’t do anything other than talk to her. I’ve tried to arrange a weekly sit down and she has refused and said I must email her issues and she will sort them her way.

What can I do in this situation to ensure it stops and my daughter gets the help she needs?

Doni 21/06/2019 at 4:40 am

I'm a separated dad with 3 remaining children in exs custody. I live in Scotland. Although I do get regular contact usually, because I live 100 miles away, ex is always changing meeting/handover. Meaning I must do all the travelling to collect and drop off. This is very expensive. Despite having an original agreement to meet halfway with distance/ cost, and arranging through mediation. Does any one know of any order to apply for, for her to stick to an arrangement that had been made.

Marty 03/05/2019 at 6:35 pm

Hi
I'm really confused, my daughter is at college and is 20. Could someone please explain to me when do I stop paying my x for her she is due to start university in Sept. I think some one is taking me for a ride.

Steve S 28/01/2019 at 10:43 pm

Hi all,

Wondering if someone could advise me. I’m a newly separated Dad, my son is just coming up to 11 months old.

My ex-partner is looking for somewhere to live, she is currently living with her parents with baby. So anyway she is deciding to move to the other side of the island, when she really has the option to live anywhere. She also won’t let me spend time with him by myself. It will be a one and half hour trip each time to see him, and I’ll get 2 hours max with him.

Do I have any say over where she moves to?

Thanks,
Steve

SeparatedDads Editor 14/06/2018 at 2:37 pm

Unfortunately, we cannot anticipate what a court may decide. Plus, if you had your granddaughter living with you unofficially, unless there is some official recognition of the part you played in her life it may be difficult to prove. In this case you would need to seek legal advice about applying for a Prohibited Steps Order to stop your son's ex from leaving the area. As a grandparent, you need to request permission to the courts before you can apply. Your son has no rights to try to prevent a move this unless he has parental responsibility. This can be applied for through court

Lisa 13/06/2018 at 9:59 pm

Hi my son has a 4 yr old daughter with his ex well they never been together really we have had our granddaughter live with us from being a month old as my son is not on birth certificate he has no rights the mother says we can have her we gave her for 8 mths then she asks for her back so legallly we have to then after a while she would say to my son you can have her for £150 he pays it then we have her again for long period of time and she does the same he asked if she would put him on birth certificate she said buy me a new phone and I will give you consent to go on it he got her a phone then she said afterwards no your not going on it she will lose that control if he goes on birth certificate that’s why she won’t put him on it in total we have had my granddaughter for 3 and half yrs of her 4 yrs being born no financial help from the mother she sold her kids beds we was the ones that organised her child hood immunisation and took her as her mum failed to we got her in nursery she took her back failed to take her nursery and lost the child’s place the mum had a violent relationship with her bf then the kids got put on child protection even my granddaughter since then she has been on holiday with this old bf social services are aware my son is going to court for PR and residence order she took my granddaughter back in April and has told my son we will never see her again and they are planning to move to Wales what do you think our chances of getting residence of her thanks

Paulette 13/04/2018 at 1:41 am

My brother's ex has stopped all contact with him seeing his 8 year old daughter, he has gone through all the right channels to try and get contact, from mediation and caff cass, he isnt working and is currently residing at hmp.are there any other ways in which my brother( grand-parents),can get any sort of legal represention without paying such high costs. If where theres not much money,and can we get grand parents rights.

Carrie Editor 06/07/2017 at 11:08 am

@Tiger - The court is unlikely to do anything much to your ex - as this isn't really an offence as such.

Tiger 04/07/2017 at 3:12 pm

Hi, my relationship broke down with my x girlfriend she cares for
My son who is 8 months I left when he was 8 weeks he has a care plan I have a new girlfriend now . I haven't been keeping regular contact with my son so the mum stopped me from seeing him . I have a criminal record . My x told my new girlfriend that I have a record we argued I didn't admit the truth to her . I've told social services that my x did this and I want to take legal action against her . What will happen to my x and my son ? Thanks

Hels 15/06/2017 at 4:01 pm

Hi, my partner found out he was a Dad to a little boy in April when the baby was 6 months old - a DNA test has confirmed he is the father.
Babys Mum does not want him registered on the birth certificate and will not let my partner see his son unless he visits her house.
How does he put his name on the birth certificate, and arrange regular access without visiting her home.
Thanks

Oliver 28/05/2017 at 12:08 am

Hi, please can some one help?! My girlfreind called the police as i was seeking mediation by bringing her family member to the house, she claimed domestic abuse and let the house. The police spoke to me and i answered all there question and they said that i wouldnt be arrested or charged but would be written up as an incident. Since then i have had no contact with my 2 year old and my partner says due to my behaviour she wount let me see my child. I've moved citys to make this woman happy but yet she has put me in such a dilemma i dont know what to do? I have read so many different thing on this forum and i'm just confused. Please can some one help?

SeparatedDads Editor 03/05/2017 at 2:07 pm

If your son has parental responsibility, the mother would have to ask for your son's consent to take his child out of the country. If he refuses, by law she would have to apply to court. If he feels she may refuse to bring his son back, then he would have to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order. A PSO is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent. This is more common in cases where there is suspicion that one parent may leave the country with their children and not return. It can then become extremely difficult for the other parent to get their child back. Thankfully, this is one of the scenarios that a PSO seeks to prevent. However, as in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. I hope this helps answer your question.

Stu 29/04/2017 at 3:30 pm

My son and his partner have a 9 month old son. The mother has dual nationality Australian (born in Tasmania) and UK. He is UK by birth. The mother for reasons unknown got an Australian citizenship and passport I addition to UK shortly after birth and has in fact been to OZ for a month recently on a visit. They have decided (for now) to split. There is an underlying feeling that she may intend to take my grandson to Australia to her parents. Will my son have any rights to objecting to this. He is named on the UK passport and I believe on the Australian as well as on birth certificate.

grandparent 23/04/2017 at 11:18 am

hi my son recently split from his partner he has two small children with her.they split because he found out the her younger brother who was 13yrs old at the time now 15 rape two small boys her brother was found guilty put on tag and done a mental assesment and never went to any young offenders before social sevices was involed his mum move to by a camp site he is able to be around my grandchilren unsupervised no plans are put in order we call social services and told them but asked them not to go until we got the kids this friday just gone and they went out before we got the children .now my sons ex is telling him he cannot see his kids and when they were together she was violent towards him my son has an appiontment with a solitcitors on teusday morning just after more advice thanks

santa 04/06/2016 at 12:15 pm

i own 51% of a property on son owns 49% of the property they are going through a messy divioce she has a court ban on him can i rent out this property even if she is living in there

jan Paul 26/03/2016 at 9:28 pm

Hi, am on license after being sentenced to 18 months for ABH on my wife. Prior to this I had never any record of any crime. Now I have Domestic Violence record . I had been arrested numerous times because of accusations and allegations made by my estranged wife since I left the family home. My license conditions say I can see my kids via a third party who is my ex's mum. I have had family solicitors which I paid for to see my kids as they are always used as bait. Now her mum doesn't want to be the third party. What is the best way to see my children? Probation won't help, social services aren't involved as they can see the strong bond I have with my daughters. Even if it is at a contact Center, I don't mind. My ex and kids came to visit me a few times whilst I was in prison. I called them everyday for 8months on the landline, now I can't when I'm outside incase my ex picks the phone up.

There seems to be something wrong with the justice system as they can't see that some women almost certainly use the children as collateral damage when a relationship falls apart. I have spent thousands paying solicitors and it all seems that there is only concern for revenue and not the children. I have been married to my wife for 10 years, no previous issues until she started calling the police when I decided to leave.

The whole system only favours women, many times I have proved my case and nothing becomes of the false accuser.

Our children are suffering as a result of blatant disregard by the system to see that fathers want the best for their kids.

Many many people I met in prison without previous issues, seemed to all have been convicted as domestic abusers.

It was interesting to see that I was offered a discount to plead guilty. I have always maintained a not guilty plea and they threw the book at me.

Domestic violence cases have a 95 percent conviction rate. More than any crime in the country. And it's all men that get sent down.

Please could someone advise me what steps I should take to see my kids. I think I need a court order as my ex like many on these forums seems to not stick to anything, and Solictors claim to help but when emails aren't answered by my ex, they can't help even when agreements have been made .

Everytime whatever agreement in place gets ignored by ex's. Not much happens to the mums, only the dad's and their children suffer.

I had to pay privately for family solicitors, for over 3 years to see my kids. My ex got a free solicitor and support. I up for every hug and lost everything. Come out of prison Because I was sent there "in the interest of the public"

Rubbish system, only there to destroy and not build families.

You only get legal aid if you are arrested. No other aid after that. All money is preferably spent on imprisoning, when you are out you are in the same spot,

The Law must become tougher on women who make false allegations in court.

Children should be given priorit

Paddy 26/02/2016 at 5:54 pm

Hi there, I recently got some advice from yourselves about my situation, since the last time I asked for advice I've decided I might just have to go down the route of court action to get my name put on my daughters birth certificate, what I would like to know is how long roughly does an action like this take to get put through the courts,I'll give you a quick recap so you remember the sircumstaces ,I've just split up with the mother of my daughter,I've a daughter 3 months old,my name wasn't put on her birth certificate when she was registered, she was registered with my surname though and I do see her 2/3 times a week,my daughter stays with her mum at her parents house, I stay on my own, like I said I see my daughter 2/3 times a week and I also pay towards her upkeep,so that's the jist off it,so like I said if I take it down the legal route to get my name on the birth certificate, how long does it roughly take

SeparatedDads Editor 16/02/2016 at 3:00 pm

Please see link: Breach of Contact or Residence Order: What to Do here. Also, Legal Aid Withdrawal: How to Represent Yourself, here. Many fathers are having good results by self-litigation if they prepare their cases well. I hope this helps and you get to see your son soon.

Darren 13/02/2016 at 9:18 am

Hello. I hope you can help. I have a court order to speak to my 13 year old son every Sunday and to have him stay with me every other weekend and half the school holidays. However I have spoken to him only once in 6 weeks and have not been allowed to pick him up for our weekends or this half term holiday. Clearly a breach of the order. His step father and mother told me yesterday the reason is because of his behaviour and he has been sent to see a counselor who has advised them to stick to a routine that is comfortable for him. They have interpreted this as excluding me from his life. I tried to talk with him during my one and only phone call but he was being monitored and coached while speaking to me and I got the impression he felt under pressure to adhere to their wishes. I hope they have my sons best interests at heart but they are very controlling and refuse to accept my beliefs that it's best for him to have regular and frequent contact with both parents. Especially if he's having a rough time as is the case they told me about only yesterday when progress was made via a counselling session. I will write a letter to recommend that order be reinstated but if they reject my request which I think will be the case I will have to go back to court. And possibly represent myself as family law legal aid has been abolished. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. It took 30+ months to obtain this court order and am astonished his mother and step father can be so flippant to disregard it.

SeparatedDads Editor 09/02/2016 at 1:44 pm

You're welcome. PR doesn't give you many extra rights, or strengthen your claim for contact with your child - it only lets you make certain decisions regarding your child's upbringing. You could possibly try some of the sites listed on the Scottish government website here for extra advice. It is also advisable to read through as many Separated Dads web pages as you can, in order to understand the law better and so you can make informed decisions regarding what route you should take. Our Separated Dads Facebook page may also help.

Paddy 08/02/2016 at 11:42 pm

Thanks for your reply earlier. It has helped but it has also flagged up another couple of questions. Since I read your reply,you sent me to a link on parental responsibility, I'm unsure if I'm reading this correctly as I see its different for different parts off the UK and things have changed in the law it seems from year to year.what I was interested in finding out since reading up on this is.I'm from Scotland and my daughter it coming up for 3 months old and I'm still not on the birth certificate, If I get put on the birth certificate does this automatically give me equal parental responsibilities the same as my girlfriend or does the situation that I wasn't put on the birth certificate for the first 3 months make any impact on what responsibilities I'm given,thank you again for your earlier advice and from now on I will be making all payments I give her for my daughters upkeep through my bank account so its trackable, OK thanks again,look forward to your reply

SeparatedDads Editor 08/02/2016 at 2:55 pm

I am sorry to hear this. If you can't agree between you, or through Mediation, then you would have to apply for Parental Responsibility through the courts, If you are her father, and contribute to her welfare and play a part in your daughter's life, then you there is no reason why the court would not award it to you. I suggest until you decide to apply, you make sure your evidence is backed up i.e if any money given to your partner, ensure it is through your bank account rather than in cash etc so you can prove you have been paying child support.

Paddy 08/02/2016 at 10:22 am

Hi there.I feel I'm stuck in a right nightmare rock and a hard place situation and i hope your able to give me some advice please. First thing first Im just a new first time dad and me and my partner which we are ment to be still seeing each other even though you or anyone else mostly wouldn't think so.myself I stay on my own and my girlfriend stays with her parents. My girlfriend which we'll call just to make it easier has already got a daughter to someone else and both of them are on their child's birth certificate but after they split up and me and her got together he started putting demands towards her which he's obviously and legally entitled to and as a result of his carry on it has put something kind of paranoia I can only explain it as towards me being on our child birth certificate as she must think if we were to split up then she wouldn't get all the sort of trouble from me that's she's been receiving from her ex.this has put a real strain on our relationship me not being on my daughters certificate,as much as I understand the way she must be thinking because of the bother she's had from her ex with rights about their daughter its starting to take a real toll on our relationship And I'm worried now were do I stand and what I can to get my name put on my daughter's birth certificate and to make i can see her.this is really cutting me up inside.I really do want this relationship to work and for us all go be a proper family but I'm starting to feel its not going to happen and I'm really worried about my name not being on my daughters birth certificate, what can I do if we do split up and I'm not o. The certificate.my daughter has my surname. I pay child support for her as obviously my girlfriend stays with her parents with my daughter, so I pay toward their up keep to stay there.I'm trying. I really truly am trying but I fell Im over the proverbial barrel and my heads bursting with it all.please tell me were I stand with things as they are and what I can do if the relationship does break down and we separate.how do I sort not being on this birth certificate. Thank you and sorry for it bei g such along message.just needed to let out a bit.thanks again.

PD 28/12/2015 at 2:46 pm

I have been separated from my wife for approximately 3 years. We have a daughter who is now 8 years old. I have been claiming her since birth on my income taxes. My wife is receiving section 8 and food stamps throughout the marriage. I filed for divorce approximately a year and half ago, however she did not sign the papers. I always gave her a portion of my income taxes as well as approximately $400 monthly while I was working and even when I received unemployment benefits. She then decided to quit her job about three months ago, take me to court and signed my name to the divorce decree and told the judge that i have not been consistent with child support of which i don't have any proof. I moved out of state 1 year ago and purchased a new car and have put over 30, 000 miles on it (5 hours away) because I see my daughter often. I told the judge that she signed my name but she told him that we met and I signed. They did not address this issue at all. I don't mind paying child support but the judge ordered me to pay $179 twice a month and I only gross about $1600 monthly. I would like to request that the payments be a little lower, alternate claiming her on income tax and request that she start a education fund of about $25 monthly out of the money that she gets in child support payments

SeparatedDads Editor 06/10/2015 at 2:25 pm

If you have parental responsibility, then if your ex is planning on moving away, you should be consulted to give your consent. However, this does not always happen and one parent may move away without the consent of the non-resident parent. If this happens it makes it more difficult to bring the parent back via the courts, once their lives have become established, i.e through school places etc. If you have a suspicion you ex may leave the area, then one option is to apply for a Prohibited Steps Order. A PSO, is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent. This is more common in cases where there is suspicion that one parent may leave the area with their children. We have all heard the stories of a parent taking their child for the weekend and not returning them or going abroad with them and it becoming extremely difficult for the other parent to get their child back. Thankfully, this is one of the scenarios that a PSO seeks to prevent. There is no guarantee that the courts will rule in your favour - it will be up to your ex to prove why it is in the best interests of your child to be moved from the area, and you to prove why is isn't. I hope this helps.

Snowy 05/10/2015 at 6:51 pm

Hello,
I have PR for my 13yr old daughter as I was married to her mother at birth. We have been separated for 5 years and I remarried two years ago. I have not seen my daughter for 5 years as my ex has poisoned her against me. I tried mediation 4 years ago, but after the first meeting she had with my daughter, she said " those were not the words of a 9 year old child" and said she couldn't help. I have now started the mediation process again, but my ex is not co operating. I did get in touch with her school ( that my ex sent her to without telling me) and do get occasional reports. they did send me her recent school photo which was good of them. that is the first time I have seen her in five years.
I have now found out that my ex is selling her house and may be moving some distance away. She obviously will not tell me anything, but can she just up and leave, taking my daughter, without any input from me re schools and doctors etc?
I have read your article re letters to schools and doctors which I intend to complete. Would they tell me if she was being moved, and to which school / surgery?

Many thanks

SeparatedDads Editor 22/09/2015 at 11:30 am

Is she asking for your daughter to be picked up for practical reasons, i.e, she doesn't want to leave her alone if she has to work? If so, then you can understand her motives. However, if she is being awkward and making life difficult, I can only really suggest you either continue trying to talk it through between you, or if you feel strongly about it, then both try mediation, see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here. I hope this helps.

Bobbob 21/09/2015 at 1:19 pm

My ex is insisting that I pick our daughter up at 7:15 every morning during the school holidays. I've suggested it's better that she stays with me but she's being stubborn and saying that I should only have her on my usual days because of "routine". I understand routine is important but this is a one off. How can I make her see sense?

Sam 07/09/2015 at 11:45 pm

My partner has just left the family home leaving me the father with our two children 7&9. She is about to start a new live with another man she has onlyknown for 5 weeks and they are about to move in together in rented accommodation. I have parental responsibility but am worried once she has got this new house that she will sweep the kids away from their home and keep them with her. Could someone please advise me as to my rights in this situation? We were not married? Many thanks.

SeparatedDads Editor 06/08/2015 at 9:50 am

@layla - Your Question was:Hi I have a cousin who's name is not on his sonsbirth certificate and his son's mother just stopped letting him see his son, now she's trying to move out of state. I'm trying to get as much information as possible to help him get custody due to the mothers cos&criminal background. any info would be very appreciative"Our Answer is:I have included a link to another of our articles, When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, link here which may help. If you take it to court, then he would have to apply for parental responsibility as well as access. However, it sounds as though you may be from the US, and we are a UK-based site, with knowledge of only UK family law, which means the information may not be applicable to you. Therefore, I suggest you seek some professional legal advice in line with your own country's laws. I hope this helps.

layla 04/08/2015 at 11:40 am

hi I have a cousin who's name is not on his sonsbirth certificate and his son's mother just stopped letting him see his son, now she's trying to move out of state. I'm trying to get as much information as possible to help him get custody due to the mothers cos&criminal background. any info would be very appreciative

Stupot 28/04/2015 at 12:49 pm

Hi. I ended a 4 and a half year relationship recently, because it just wasn't working anymore. We have a 3 year old little boy. In principal we agreed I could have him for a whole day during the week, as well as a few hours on a couple of other days, and overnight stays every other weekend. I also asked about turning my whole day during the week as an overnight as well, which she point blank refused. I'm getting lots of advice, people telling me to stick to my guns and go for more overnights. Is that wise? Am I asking too much? Stuart

SeparatedDads Editor 10/04/2015 at 10:34 am

@Gav - I'm sorry to hear this. You don't say why the protection order has been put in place or whether you have tried through the courts to gain access, so it is quite difficult to advise. I suggest you talk to someone directly in order to give them the full information, so they can give you more accurate and constructive advice. Family Lives offers offers a confidential and free helpline service via whichI hope this helps.

Gav 08/04/2015 at 4:10 am

I've been spilt from my wife for 5 months now and have only seen my daughter for a total of about four hours...when we separated I lost my job in the process also my drivers license and the house is on the market to be sold ...the stress alone to do with these and not finding work is bad enough let alone not being able to see my daughter..my x wife says she dosent trust me or my (our) friends anymore to let me see my little girl by myself or in a supervised situation with our friends...I know we are in the early stages of our divorce but the hurt from her sayn she don't trust me is making life very difficult to deal with...there is no history of violence..no one cheated she just called it quits via txt after 11 years of marriage because we no longer have the same wants in life ( her words)...I get that part of it but what I don't get is why now all of a sudden am I being treated so harshly and being told Im no longer trust worthy..she has taken all of my child's toys.pictures and paintings from my house and left me nothing ...those few things like the toys and that were the only things that would make me smile on the bad days..I can't contact her as of a protection order that's in place for 2 years now...I feel like a worthless piece of s#%t...i want to pick myself up off the floor and get on with my life but I'm finding it impossible to get anywhere due to the stress

SeparatedDads Editor 20/03/2015 at 9:50 am

@Phil - if you wanted, you could apply for a Specific Issue Order through the courts. Specific Issue Orders, much like the name suggests, are orders sought from the family court to determine a particular matter in connection with the exercise of Parental Responsibility. These orders can cover a wide range of issues that you and your ex-partner cannot agree on including wanting to take her abroad, I hope this helps.

Libby Editor 18/02/2015 at 10:55 am

@Jacks - he obviously can't pay all of this as it is physically impossible. If this is what his ex wants then he should go to the CSA/CMS and ask for a review, the CSA/CMS should set off any mortgage payments against the assessment.

jacks 16/02/2015 at 9:32 am

my partner currently pays approx. £500 per month to his ex for maintenance, their joint loan and credit card and school clubs, he also goes half on uniform and winter clothes. Now she says he also has to pay half the mortage which puts the total to 1200.00 a month, he earns 1248.oo per month> How do we pay our bills. HELP please

falcon 14/12/2014 at 10:15 am

hi been separated 6 yrs now ,had no contact with my 2 kids (told they dont want o see me ) she left me for a younger guy !! i lost everything house ,still not devorced .2 things
recently happened my son unknown to me as left school do i still have to pay csa for him as not in education ,2nd i sent christmas cards to kids no money or vouchers enclosed 1st time hoping they contact me to say what they would like ,but instead cards came back
with a note leave us alone ? WHY! Ive always tried to keep the peace and not upset the kids with court proceedings and arguments with ex ,What do i do HELP had enough now
got to move on

Elaine 07/12/2014 at 5:06 pm

Hello , I'm writing this on behalf of my partner . My partners ex wife moved 300 miles away and put a molestation order in place . This happened 5 years ago ,since then he has tried to have contact with The 2 children by text and Facebook as she never gave an address . He had contact with them last year as the mother was in the area . She has point blank said no to mediation and said take her to court . The kids are now 10 and 6 . Does he stand a chance of seeing his kids if going to court ? ?

charlie 29/11/2014 at 10:06 pm

My ex partner is terminally ill and is very close to the end. I have a 7 year old daughter. My ex partners mother has put in for an order of residency and a prohibited steps order. This is due in court in January, she also says she will let me have access 4 weekends a year supervised. My ex partner let me have unsupervised access and to have my daughter for holidays of 2 weeks. She is doing this as i live in scotland and she doesn't want me to move my daughter to scotland when her mother dies. I have joint parental responsibility with my daughters mother. do i just need to go to court and try and stop the orders or do i have to put in for an order of residency myself ?

Ed Editor 12/11/2014 at 12:00 pm

@Dave - This is really unfortunate for you. But, I wonder why are you asking her to pay court costs? If she is as awkward as you say she is, she is obviously going to oppose this. I think I'm right here, but a few years ago the divorce courts ruled that couples were to pay their own costs when it came to divorce in a bid to stop the kind of manipulation and time wasting that meant one party was landed with massive fees. Attaining Legal Aid is much more difficult to come by and unfortunately parents involved in custody battles are no longer eligible due to government cuts. Hopefully for you, as time wears on and the rifts heal access may get better. You have to keep on trying for your kids.

Dave 11/11/2014 at 5:50 pm

I came out of a very emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage a couple of years ago. I have done everything to give my ex the chance to deal with the situation like an adult, she refused to go to mediation, she hasn't answered a single letter from my Solicitor, and refused to acknowledge the court papers dealing with our divorce until the court bailiffs served them to her. I have filed for a decree nisi and have been informed by the courts that she intends to oppose my request for her to pay my costs regarding the courts. It is just another ploy on her part to waste time, as she has done so for the last year and a half. My question is
1. Will it delay proceedings if I appear in court and ask them to pass judgement on this?
2. Are there any benefits to asking her to pay my costs? I do qualify for legal aid (barely)
3. What will I have to expect if I do go to court? Has anyone else been though this?

I currently see my children once every other Saturday for 6 hours, she has taken their mobile phones away so they cannot keep in touch with me. She has her whole family behind her while mine are all abroad and I am terrified of meeting them all en-mass in court (I know I should grow a set but am afraid she will have me arrested again and I will loose all contact with my kids).

Any advise would be welcome

newlysingle 07/08/2014 at 4:40 pm

Nathan.. I'm in exactly the same position , except I have three children with my wife.. its a nightmare.. I'm seeing a family solicitor on Monday to get advice and find out whether she can just keep the house while I have to rent somewhere..

Nathan 09/06/2014 at 9:40 am

My wife and I have been together for 13 years and she has just told me that she's had an affair (which is over) but wants to split up. We have a 6 year old son. She doesn't work and tells me she's seen a solicitor who says that she can stay at the marital home until our son's 18 and I have to pay the mortgage. This will mean I have no way of getting a home for myself. I am very close to my son and will want 50/50 responsibility. Is she correct as most of the sites I've seen say that the courts would decide that?

Kev 19/02/2014 at 7:08 am

My daughter is now 17 and there is a court order in place for the usual alternative weekend access and also 1 night during the week she now wants to share her time between both parents ie alternative weeks with each of us (7 days). Her mother is preventing her from doing stating the original court order can you please tell me at what age does that court order not longer apply to my daughter

Nats 04/07/2013 at 3:02 pm

Hi ThereMy Husband was married before, he has 3 kids from the Ex Wife. He pays his Maintenance & pays for everything else. What happens when the Mother of the kids refuses to work & support her kids financially?RegardsN

nikitatata 08/02/2013 at 4:28 pm

My partner left me 8 months ago, suddenly and moved with 2.7 years child now 100 miles from flat we bought together. I am going through custody battle with her now and I am just about to have second hearing. Now, my ex has launched second court case, wanting to sell the flat, which is shared Housing association and which is on both of our names. Can she force me to sell the flat? What are my rights? I don't want to sell flat as I am hoping that court will allow me overnight weekend stay with our child and I can start building our time together. She left the property, all the bills and I succeed to rent one room of 2 bed flat to keep the bills paid. now, even tenants are saying they want to move out if we will be selling the flat.

Belle 07/11/2012 at 11:07 pm

Pablo, your daughter is only 14 and deep down loves her mother however her mother has acted and despite what your daughter says. You should not take what a confused and hurt 14 year old says so literally, because it suits your case against her mother.It would be in your daughter's best interests if you recognised her need for a mother and tried to encourage a reconciliation. If she lives with you, she lives with you but don't encourage a greater rift to develop between your daughter and her mother to develop simply because you like the fact that your daughter seems to have taken your side and turned against her mother for good. At 14 she is still a child and underneath whatever has happened still loves and needs her mother.

Mike 31/10/2012 at 6:53 pm

Ive been seperated from my ex partner for 8 months we have a 20 month son together. Can anyone recommend anywhere I can get some sample letters I can draft for a solicitor to send to my ex to start ccustody proceedings as I am only able to see my son on a saturday. My ex is not willing to allow me to have my son overnight.

Catishere 21/10/2012 at 5:07 pm

I found out the other day from the courts that my family court case was dismissed, I just wanted to know what it meant, and what does it mean when it comes to the orders that was in the case are they still active like the residency order

clive stuart lonsdal 11/09/2012 at 7:54 pm

My daughter is now 17 and I never married her mother who left when my girl was 18 months hold I have always had contact with my girl and things have been amicable until this week when I withdrew my daughters allowance because of my disapproval of where it was being spent the CSA have never been involved in our situation as I have always tried to do things as fair as possible. I have no wittern proof of money changing hand apart from the car a bought this year and a £200 a month allowance from my bank to my daughters bank since she went to do her A levels which she gave up to take a full time job which collapsed and now she wants to go back to her A levels.I am now being threatened with the CSA and fear it being back dated even though I have never ever refused to pay for anything including PONIES CARS HOLIDAYS SCHOOL TRIPS CLOTHES ETC. I also had my daughter monday to friday whilst she went through senior school and weekends and holidays and whenever I have been called upon work permitting. Can anyone tell me where I stand please, as withdrawing the allowance is my only way of showning my displeasure as if I voice my opinoin I get nno backing from her mother at all,im only trying to set some boundaries that I beleive in

gaethos 31/08/2012 at 9:41 am

Hi ShippyYou have my sympathy my friend. I've been though a very similar situation. Firstly, given my experience of the legal system, stay well away from lawyers and jugdes. Lawyers do nothing but rip you off. I spent tens of thousands on them and achieve nothing more than putting my stress levels through the roof. Secondly all the judges I came across are as weak as water. Basically when it comes to children there is one line in the book : "the mother ALWAYS wins". For me the only thing that kept me sane was thinking about the kids and making sure I was always there for them, even if I didn't ( and still don't ) see them very often. Be strong for them, it's more important than you think ( or possibly believe right now ). Best of luck

concerned 10/08/2012 at 10:52 pm

My partner is disabled and a wheelchair user who is wanting to see his son without his ex-partner being there. He currently sees his little boy for around two hours a week and is paying via the Child Support Agency for the privilege. The mother insists that he is incapable of looking after his son because he cannot walk and she needs to be there to supervise at all times in case of an accident. She insists that his disability is a problem although at the time of conception the father was in a wheelchair. Although my partner does have a wealth of people who can be available to support him with his child (not that he needs it!), including me, the child's grandmother and some close family friends, the mother deems it 'inappropriate' as the child will be confused meeting other people. She refuses to bring the child if I am around, although she has never met me and deems it 'inappropriate', The truth is, she decided to leave the home, taking the child with her, to live with another man (a stranger!). Prior to her leaving she would leave the child with his dad who was more than capable of looking after him whilst she would stay out until the early hours. So if this was the case then, why is it a problem now.

There is a lot more to this case than I have told but I have two questions
Firstly, can the mother dictate who is in the fathers home? and secondly does she have the right to use disability as a weapon to manipulate the situation.

Hope someone can help?

Shippy 10/08/2012 at 5:53 pm

Hi I'm currently in a situation whereby my wife who I am separated from is denying me access to see my children...When we 1st separated I was allowed access when it suited her and last saw them about 1 month ago. I'm finding this very hard to deal with as everything Ive tried has come to nothing. I'm in no position to pay for legal advice as I have no funds available to do anything once my rent & bills are paid and to be quite honest I'm slowly losing faith with everything I try. It's also having a detrimental affect on me as its now starting to affect how I act daily, mood swings etc. PLEASE HELP!

ponnie 22/07/2012 at 3:50 pm

I my son and his partner have split up, I have my grandson who is 2yrs of age, 3 times a wk while she goes to work, I have done this since he was 6mhs old, now she s told me I am not having him no more, as she is putting him in full time nursery and I am not having no contact at all

Pablo66 20/07/2012 at 12:24 pm

Hi,

This is my second time of posting thanks for all help so far. What is the situatioon with my daughters passport. When we seperated both my ex wife myself and our 4 children lived in france. This continued until my ex abducted our 2 youngest in september of last year and returned to England. I have been fighting this in the meantime but anyway, during a contact visit to my 2 children against the wishes of their mother (who is an alcoholic and has been violent to myself during our relationship) cane to stay with me at my families hose in England for the weekend. On the day I was due to return to France I had a distrught phone call from my daughter saying her mother had punched her in the face and split her lip. We ended up at the police station, social services were called etc. My ex (in the initial interview was too drunk for the police to interview her was sent home) in the second interview denied the allegations and said our daughter had fallen down the stairs. the police said it was one word against the other and wouldnt persue charge, our daughter is 14. I obviously ended up staying in England. Social services then came out to interview me, my daughter and the family etc and placed her in my care, saying that 14 year olds talk with their feet and if she didn't wish to have contact or make resolution with her mother then that was down to her and that she should stay with me. Her mother refused to give me her passport, even to allow a short vist to allow me to sort out all the obvious things that are necessary, I have lived there for 9 years non stop and obviously it is like just dropping your life, including my partner of 3 years. The police agreed my exwife is nuts and advised me to apply for a lost/stolen passport which I have done. IPS say they need a court order or a letter from my ex confirming that this is the case. She will not give that obviously. In the meantime I have urgent business I must attend to there, my family had my daughter briefly for a couple of days but this is not enough to tie everything up. Apart from this few days I have been in England for 2.5 months, the cogs seem to turn really slowly. I have noone here to have my daughter in the meantime and can't get her to France without her passport. By the way yes I was married to the mother before during and after our daughters birthand I do have parental responsibility. Our divorce is still ongoing and is all tied up in the french courts along with access and all the other peripherals. What can I do about the passport ? My daughter never sees nor wants to see her mother now and I want to go so it can all be tied up during the school summer holidays. Some advice please. thanks.

ICEMAN 19/07/2012 at 11:34 am

I have been divorced for approx 10yrs. My son was only two when my marraige broke down. For many years a good routine was in place and both myself and my ex wife seemed content with the situation. About 6yrs ago I started a new rship with a woman with whom i do not live with. Problems with my exwife then began.

She became very unhappy with the situation of me spending time with my new partners children although I still maintained my regular contact with my son. As time passed my exwife became more and more destructive. Firstly our non CSA payment agreement was unsatisfactory and although I was happy for my payments to go via the CSA I did explain to my ex wife that I would need to work extra to cover the increase in payments. This to became a problem for her.

My ex wife then decided to start contacting my new partner via social networking sites and writing reams and reams of untrue nasty things about me. Thsi continued for about 6months and despite me asking her to stop..she continued. My last resort was to go to the police to seek advice and following there guidance the contact stopped. I also had to stop my ex wife contacting me by phone due to her destructive nature.

Since these events my relationship with my son has ground to a standstill and I have not seen him since Dec 2011. Whilst I understand that the non contact between myself and his mother have added to this I do wish to maintain a relationship with him. To be honest I just do not know where to begin as I am scared stiff of his mother interfering once again. I must add that during this time my ex wife has been in a rship that I have never once interfered with. Any guidance?

Not Happy 16/07/2012 at 8:20 pm

I have court agreement that states i am to have every second weekend with my son and have 3 weeks holidays a year, but the ex always seems to cancel my access to go on holidays, can she do this?

LALA 10/07/2012 at 12:24 pm

My partner is experiencing issues with his ex-wife around the children's passports. My partner has joint custody via the divorce and purchased the children's passports himself. The children's mother requires these so that the children can go on a ferry for the day, but my partner does not trust her to return these, so that we can then take the children abroad (the children's mother does not travel abroad, as she doesn't like to fly). Can we force her to collect he passports via my partner's solicitor and sign for them and promise to return them, so that we avoid her untrustworthy behaviour and have recourse to take her to court?

Eve Editor 17/05/2012 at 9:36 am

@Rich, if your ex partner is the child's mother, then yes. She can take her daughter out of the country for a period of 1 month without your permission. Anything longer than that and she would have to have consent from you.

Rich 16/05/2012 at 10:31 pm

Hi can my ex partner take our nine year old daughter out of the country without my permission.

beep 25/10/2011 at 11:25 pm

A new structure needs to be put in place, my male partner takes his daughter to school, picks her up, does the entire day with his daughter and always drops her off and picks her up. The mum spends no petrol money and just has her to spend the night. So it dies not seem right the father has to pay the ex. Especially when the ex earns more money

Ask Separated Dads a question

Ask our editorial team a question and we will reply with our advice. Tell us as much about your situation as you can: the more detail you give, the more useful our answer can be.

You do not need to use your real name. Please do not include your full address, phone number, email address, or the names of other people. We may edit or remove identifying details for privacy and legal reasons.

Comments are moderated before publication.