Can I Get a Background Check on Ex's New Partner?

Originally written by Emma Jones, updated by the editorial team on 2nd April 2026

M.G asks

My ex-wife is moving in with her new boyfriend with our 2 daughters, aged 15 and 9. I don't know anything about this man and I was wondering if I can do any background checks to ensure he is not a threat to my girls?

It can be difficult when your partner starts dating again and introduces a stranger into the lives of your children. It is a role that you do not want to be taken lightly and it is natural to be suspicious. While you have to accept that she is moving on by Getting A New Partner and is free to make her own judgements about her boyfriend's suitability, it is fair to be concerned about your daughters' safety.

If you need to formally request information about your ex's new partner or raise concerns about your children's safety, you can use our free Letter Builder.

The Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme (CSODS), sometimes called 'Sarah's law', allows parents to get information about anyone who has unsupervised access to their children. Parents can find out if the person has any previous convictions for child abuse as long as they use this information responsibly.

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This is something that you could look into in order to find out background information about your ex's new partner. However, you need to be careful in the way that you approach this. You do not want to alienate your ex or cause any bad feeling between the two of you.

Ideally, you should talk to your ex about your concerns, explaining that you are not judging her choice of partner but purely protecting your children. Try to discuss the possibility of doing a background check together so that she does not feel that you have gone behind her back.

The scheme is now operational in all police force areas in England and Wales, so you can apply for information in your area. You could also consider using a private investigator to find out more. However, again, you want to keep a good relationship with your ex and her new partner – who may become a permanent part of you children's lives – so tread carefully.

You may feel more at ease if you were able to spend some time with the man and get to know him a bit better. It will be good for all of you if you can have a relaxed relationship. Although it may be awkward, suggest that you all get together so that you can feel better about him being a part of your daughters' lives.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

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96 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

SeparatedDads Editor 17/05/2026 at 1:30 pm

@Mike4566 You've no legal right to a background check, and the police won't run one for you either. What you can do is apply for a Child Arrangements Order through the family court, which sets out contact and where the kids stay. You can also make a Clare's Law (DVDS) request to police if you've genuine concern he may have a history of abuse. In the meantime, keep a written log of everything and stop the doorstep visits, as she'll use them against you.

Mike4566 28/10/2023 at 10:51 pm

My Ex said it was over one day as she wasnt happy after 9 years and 3 kids all under 7, I signed over tenancy and left, turns out she had been seeing someone or at least contact from before we split, she kept this information from me and i only found out from the kids and shes since admitted "talking to someone" as weeks have passed my kids have asked to stay at his house, gone with her to meet him and she had introduced the kids to him before id even left the house, she wont tell me his name or anything about him, Ive got no idea who my children are around and no way will she tell me, in fact she rang the police and tried to get me done for harrassment after 2 texts and i knocked round the house to see my sick kids for 5 mins, Im stuck not knowing anything, cant ask and have no idea when hes sleeping in the same house as my kids. I dont know what to do

DISASTER_91 19/10/2023 at 1:52 pm

Hi all. So I've been separated from my kids dad since 2nd August 2022 we have 50/50 custody. I met my new partner back on the 15th August 2022,But I'm wanting my new partner to move in to my home, can my ex stop my new partner moving in with me? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated thanks

kate00 24/06/2022 at 11:58 pm

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Phil 14/09/2021 at 7:17 pm

I split with my partner over a year ago. She is free to see who she wishes. But I have concerns on her new partner. She never told me she was seeing someone else. She wanted space and moved into another house. I set her up and we shared access and got on for the kids. Her mother took cancer and unfortunately she passed but she made up lies to the police about me. I recorded out conversation and record everything with my ex. I have to record everything as she has made up so many allegations. We got together while we both had separated. She has real problems with her ex husband he has issues. Social services were involved and she claimed he had a child offence. He refused to cooperate with the services. And finally she got info of his ex partner. It turned out this guy was bad. I cooperated with social services and was OK. Anyway my ex partner is with someone now again and made another bad judgment. She has moved him in without consulting me. I had numerous messages and people saying he hits woman and issues with drugs. He has no kids and been told he is a horrible man. He has smashed up my house and van. The police can’t do anything as they don’t have enough evidence. I have tried to reason with her about her bad judgment again. As why would all these people lie about him. She refuses mediation and access is when she decides.

I want to talk and see if this guy is OK. But she will just not listen to what people say about him, the drugs, violence. Can I get a check in him without her permission as I want to know my kids are safe.

Kevin 26/11/2020 at 2:55 pm

Split up with my ex and while shes been cheating on me for years and I've told her what he was like as I new him that his a drug dealer and been prison for domestic violence and takes his son with him to do his deals and the people he associates with. I dont want me daughter around him as his dangerous. Just dont know what to do about it.

ApexAssassin 26/07/2019 at 5:23 am

I broke up with my girlfriend just over 2 months ago as it ended badly. She has already moved on with a new man and already introduced him into my 11 year old daughters life. By picking her up from school and staying around there. I have no information on him as she wont talk to me. What can I do?

H 03/06/2019 at 2:48 pm

Hi,I had my son in 2017 while I was 6months pregnant I lost my father after having my son I was very ill with overactive thyroid,I had no support from what I thought was my husband to be instead he was having an affair with a 27year old female,we then split up but all the while he was cheating on me and treated me like an animal even worse,the girl in question has been tourting me on social media with the no names mentioned games even putting up how to save someone from a stroke knowing full well that’s how my father died,he never admitted being with her but it’s quiet clear there together,if she was a nice girl I wouldn’t be worried so much instead she daily puts evil digs up, like she doesn’t even know the real concepts of life there continuously using social media as a tool, there is a baby involved and my son would be devastated knowing I’d allow such a cruel girl be around him but he’s to young and vulnerable to understand,my ex stil denies he’s with her,I don’t trust her around my child is there a way I can get a back ground check on her she smokes weed drinks and possibly does cocaine..what do I do other than try protecting my son?

Katmurph 19/05/2019 at 2:19 pm

Ma Greg
Also if this new partner has sole custody of a child then it’s unlikely he’s a risk and that’s something the courts will consider because a court has already deemed him a suitable parent - something to bear in mind should it progress to court

Katmurph 19/05/2019 at 2:16 pm

Ma Greg
Unless he has diabetes and needs to inject himself then you should ask the social services to investigate your concerns which you have every right to do especially with allegations of that nature. It’s surprising to me that he is a nurse using drugs but it’s not unheard of and whilst he will have access to drugs it wouldn’t be easy to just take them every drug administered has to be checked and checked again there isn’t a big stack of drugs that all staff can access if he was taking them out the hospital then that will be discovered very quickly - does your ex use drugs or did she when you was together ?? Social services will check them both out and ensure your daughter is safe so that’s where I would be starting or you could relay your concerns directly to your ex maybe suggest meeting her new partner not to interfere but just to put your mind at rest if you get no joy there then call your local social services and explain your concerns - hope this help

Me greg 18/03/2019 at 10:24 am

My ex is now in a relationship with a man that I belive is involved in drugs he has a little boy in his care full time that the mum has decided to leave from fear of him and my little 4.5 year old duaghter I fear is in danger this man all I know his name is philip and wont be given any other information I've been told he is a nurse and uses drugs on regular basis with my ex in the presents of my duaghter mu duaghter told me that one morning he had a needle in his arm and told her it was medicine now if all of this is true I also fear for my life becuase if he was to find out that it was me who alerted authorities he might want to take revenge as I realy dont care to much for my ex as she is old eneogh yo choose who ever she likes to date my duaghter was taken on a holiday for one night in a hotel and told me that in the morning he was naked in the kitchen with a needle in his arm and her mum was asleep he told her that it was medicine and I've been told that he gets hospital grade drugs and sells them what do do about it my duaghter is my life I've tryed yo talk to the mum without saying to much and now she is accusing me of all sorts of things I just want my duaghter yo be safe and most of all dont want her to one day say where were you DAD I need help as I dont know this person's identity do I have the right or do I go to 5he police.

Ovo 15/03/2019 at 9:52 am

I’ve recently split with my ex we have an 8 year old daughter together he’s moved in with new girlfriend already and told my daughter this and that they will be going on holiday etc shes tuck it badly and now don’t want to see her dad he’s being really mean to me now his partner has just called social services on me concerns of the welfare of Brooke she don’t know me and she’s met my daughter once what gives her there right it’s none of her business

Chris 13/03/2019 at 10:02 pm

Truth is I am not in a position (back then) or (even now) to see my daughter bye (court order )very( frustrating) I brought it into myself but been a (lazy person) and not been (daughter focused )back then to get off my (butt and actually go to court) for visitation.instead off feeling sorry for myself and just talking about it to make myself feel better hoping my daughter will just appear wish full thinking .who cares if she was cheating for numerous years when she left she was not hurting me anymore .but it was my responsibility to go to court .and now it’s to late .

Chris laurie 13/03/2019 at 6:15 pm

@sarge.you need a (family law solicitor mate ).they will help you .i didn’t go down that path because now this is the (gods truth my uncle told me he is the father when I had to stay there years ago maybe (cause trouble or pick a fight) I don’t now maybe he is ?i didn’t stay to long that’s for sure .i do not like the (mother off my child one bit ).but I am (strong super strong )if I see my daughter I see her if not well it is what is .

Sarge 13/03/2019 at 4:27 pm

I have concerns about my ex's new partner being violent towards my ex julie I have heard some really bad things about him about being violent and also a con man. My ex won't believe anything I say and has stopped me getting in contact I need help to sort this out but I don't know what to do. Could someone please help me. Thank you

Peter 24/10/2018 at 3:11 pm

URGENT PLEASE HELP. I have been in relationship with my ex for 12 years we had 2 boys together. Now we are separated since 2 year ago but I had regular contact with my kids. Just recently she told me that she was dating somebody from online chatting and only after 2 weeks she brought him to my kids house as they live with her. I was very frustrated when she told me that. I was very concerned about my kids safety and well-being. However when I told her that she went to the court and putted a Non-molestation order against me and she stoped me from seeing my kids or have any contacts with them as she claimed to the court that I have been abusif and controlling her. anyway the court later on dropped the Order as no Sufficient evidence was given to the court . My concern now
Is about my kids safety as their mother bringing strangers form online chatting and exposing the kids to harm. I’m not against her wishes if she want to be in relationship but I’m worried about my kids safety
I would like to know my rights as a father for this matter I want to know if I can request criminal record of her partner (s) ?!!
Thank you in advance.

Peter 03/07/2018 at 1:37 pm

My wife befriended a younger girl (26) with Borderline personality Disorder to try and help her. After a few months she asked her to live with us and at the time I think she just wanted to help her. I was concerned because the girl was anorexic, self harming and hearing voices in her head. She lived with us on and off for a year and in that time spent so much time with my wife undermining our relationship that by the time I asked her to leave it was too late and my wife and become emotionally attached to her. Two months on they are in love and my wife says the marriage is over. I am still in the house sleeping separately, the children are distraught and my wife is not the person I married. At the moment they are not aware of the cause of the breakdown. When she moved in a was very concerned we have three children and I know my wife will want to move her in either while I am still there or as soon as I leave. I am very concerned that she will try to undermine my position as their father when she moves in and that her mental health issues will have an negative effect on the children's emotional well-being. Whilst I can stop my wife seeing her, I do not want her to come into contact with them. Can I seek a child protection order?

Ross.90 27/05/2018 at 2:31 pm

I was awarded sole custody of my baby daughter 15 months ago ,After the Judge at the family court found the mother responsible for physically abusing her, as she was in her care for just 5 weeks.The mother can only see my daughter twice a year supervised as deemed by the court .People ask me why i have sole custody i tell them the facts , but my ex partner { mother} has said i cannot do this , but i am relaying the truth , could you advise me please

Smush89 04/05/2018 at 10:35 am

My current partner has a child with his ex and sees his child on a regular basis, my son was taken away and adopted because of an ex partner and I have failure to protect, his ex has said that if they decide to go to court and have background checks that social services will take his child into care whilst doing the background checks. Is this true? How will my failure to protect affect him and contact with his child also will it affect our relationship? I'm really stressed over this, any help will be good.

Cam 14/03/2018 at 1:15 pm

Please help . I have been split up from my ex since June last year and have been in a new relationship since September. We have now moved in together but my ex has told me that while I live with my new girlfriend my 2 kids will not be staying with me in my house. Currently I am to have contact in my parents house as I had no fixed abode but now she won’t let me change that until i go to a solicitor. Me and my ex had a toxic relationship , where we both done wrong but for some reason I’ve been made to feel like I have to beg and explain every single move I make. But what else can I do ?????? I’m worried that in the time it takes to get to court and get it changed she will have turned my own kids against me ... or worse ... that she tells lies and I don’t get my children at all ....

SeparatedDads Editor 01/03/2018 at 10:58 am

@brucie - many thanks for your comments, which I'm sure will help our readers.

brucie 28/02/2018 at 5:25 am

Hi any fathers who are concerned about their childrens welfare at the hands of the other parent must seek advice from a solicitor but you Will have to be prepared to go through a court case that could go on for up to five years and every aspect of your private life Will be looked into and brought up in front of others in court however if you are serious about taking care of your children you must persever and turn up to every court date or appointment to show that you are serious and no matter how personal or embarrassing some questions may be you must be completely honest because the people you are dealing with are trained professionals and Will have a dim view and may think you are unsuitable or have something to hide anyway I hope this might help anyone.

Chris 20/12/2017 at 3:24 am

My ex will not give me her boyfriends name or address in which she is living with him I know he has a criminal background and she will not give me his name so I can look up to see whether or not my children are safe in his presence he also does not have custody of his own kids so that is a big concern of mine! Legally should she give me his name?

SeparatedDads Editor 18/12/2017 at 3:29 pm

Your son may wish to take legal advice. Much depends upon what he wishes to do, if he wishes to apply for residency of his kids, then he may have to take the matter to court. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the children in question. The court will always put the children’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order.

worriedgrandad 18/12/2017 at 9:10 am

My son split up with partner and have 2 kids together! She is heavily drinking and social services are involved. The Police had to attend recently and confirmed she was too drunk to be responsible for the kids. Social services decided she has to have afamily member present from now on. They have agreed her mother can that person. The problem is she is an alcoholic and tried to commit suicide Jan 17. I'm trying to get social services to check out the grandmother but they have said they are happy with her! its family solution services dealing with it, is their a complaints proceedure?

twinkle 27/10/2017 at 6:11 pm

Hi As a woman I am sickened by your stories - My other half has spent over 14,000 pounds on getting divorced and keeping in contact with his children with broken court orders and having to have a solicitor at every turn. Why are women allowed to get away with breaking the law just by saying they have suffered Domestic Violence ! my partner was never charged but it got her all she needs for FREE. She now spends her free time in 5* hotels in London and A list restaurants living the high life but lives in a council House and the children have free school meals. Now spending yet another 1,500 pounds on going to court for yet more broken access! I dont know how much more we can stand but if you complain no one will listen. The children are the true victims by loosing out on their DADS. I hope that you dads out there never give up as I no some of you will be alone in your battle as its hard to involve anyone trust me I no but I will stand by my MAN

Aaron 21/10/2017 at 1:48 am

I'm going through similar my ex has a new partner who she has moved in my daughter calls me in tears because he's been acting aggressive towards her and smoking cannabis in a bong in front of her.
I've had her at mine now for a few days as she begged I took her away. Now her mum is demanding she goes back to her probly afraid of losing her benefit.
Anyone got any advice I've been in touch with school as my daughter's not been going because of this and I believe they may of called social services.

Marky 28/08/2017 at 7:09 pm

Hi all I was with my ex partner for 10years got 5kids with her and she took my kids out one night and stopped at her new fellas house while we was still together now we have split the day I moved out she as moved him in around my kids he smokes drugs and he got kids himself and he can't see them cuz he batterd his ex missus up and I want full custody of my kids I will quit my job to have them I see them every Sunday for 3hours that's all and my oldest son told me his mom grabbed him around his neck and dragged him down the stairs

Concerned Dad 26/04/2017 at 12:37 pm

I went to see my daughter at her mother's house the other day, she called her new partner and the police saying i was aggressive.
Her new partner came home from work whilst i was outside talking to the police and he started threatening me saying he was going to smash my f'in head in.
Police could see I wasn't being aggressive and reported his behaviour.
Now, i have obvious concerns now for my daughter as he is living there with her and I've found out that he may be in the drugs as well as dealing.
Ive read the article on Sarah's and Clare's Law,, but How do i find out if he has criminal convictions, not just for child abuse?
Also, i am currently waiting for a court date for Child Arrangement Order, so the ball is rolling but this changes things.

Simber 17/04/2017 at 2:15 pm

Claire's and Sarah's law are all very good but I'm afraid they serve very little purpose.
Although you will be able to told about the new partners criminal record if the police feel you should do, you are unable to do anything with it, as you get nothing in writing and you are not allowed to discuss it with anyone all you can do is inform the police if you believe others should know about the disclosure you receive they will then decide whether to inform that person.
When I recieved my disclosure the police had already visited my ex to try informing her about her new partners history before they had told me, their where also unable to confirm or deny if they had visited them due to data protection.
This caused me so much hassle as I then recieved threats from her new partner and I was stopped seeing my children. This has now lead to my ex and her new controlling partner to disappearing with my children, the police will do nothing as it's a civil matter and I'm left with the court costs for them to trace and serve her so I can find out where my children are and how they are living.
The laws need to be changed to enable fathers to do more with the information that is recieved otherwise there is no benefit from any of it.

Phelpsy 16/04/2017 at 10:05 am

My ex was with somone for 10 months and they were living with my son she broke up with him in December because of domestic violence he was hitting her around my son and it has realy effected him she has now got a new partner who has drug issues and also has a criminal offence for domestic violence is there anything i can do to stop him from being around my son

Phelpsy 16/04/2017 at 10:00 am

My ex has split up wth her partner 3 months ago because of domestic abuse reasons my son went through it all with herand see things he should never av seen she has recently got with a new partner who as drug problems and has also hit women in the past is ther anything i can do to stop him from being around my son

D 08/03/2017 at 1:04 am

Is it true if we go to court and fight for my husbands unborn child everyone in my household including tenants in apartment below will have to have a background check and be finger printed?

Mike 20/02/2017 at 10:53 am

Danny,

With reference to your message:

Danny - 23-Nov-16 @ 5:55 PM

I think this man is now seeing my ex partner and has tried to cause harm my way. He is an ex officer himself and have a daughter.

If this chap lives in Wales please get in touch.

Ryan 14/01/2017 at 1:44 am

Hi. Here's a tricky one. Been to court 7 times with my ex over 5 years. All is settled now, she's had baby with new partner and I've one on way. After much time, money and emotion through courts we are at the stage now where she spent a few hours at my house with her new toddler and our kids with my new pregnant partner.

However, she has since split with her partner and my children have said a few things that make me strongly suspect him as been drug dealing from their house whilst together. Speaking with the ex leaves me thinking it even more although not conformed. Obviously I'm happy he's not there now, however I want ensure new toddler isn't reason for him to ever be near my kids again. Same time I don't want to rock a historically turbulent relationship, but am left concerned that she and my children may still get at risk.

Dave 01/01/2017 at 9:20 am

Hello.
My ex and myself had and still have major issues with each other and she is using our child to harm me with it, like in an argument she will just say " you can't see him anymore". This is going on like this all the time. I have no right avout anything, that's what she is telling me. I have to listen to her. The only question I get is "when do I get the children maintenance money". They don't involve me in my sons life or any decisions. Now my ex has a new boyfriend and she does care more for him than for my son. She lives at home and gets all the benefits and stuff. I have hardly any money to live for myself. She doesn't has the same expenses as I have and I am a foreigner. I have the feeling that the new boyfriend has some serious stuff going on in his past and want to find out if I am able to receive a criminal record of him? I do not feel comfortable that he is looking after my child and I am afraid of the safety for him. Can I do anything?

SeparatedDads Editor 30/11/2016 at 12:32 pm

Please see Clare's Law link here which may help if you are concerned about your child.

Andy1 29/11/2016 at 8:28 pm

Sorry about previous comments phone went a bit mad.
Could anybody possibly help me, i have recently split with the mother of my 2 boys and she has a new partner. I have done a bit of digging purely for the safety of the boys and found out that the new partner has not long come out of prison for ABH and quite obviously keeps bad company as he himself has been shot. Is there anything I can do to protect my children. Thanks Andy

SeparatedDads Editor 11/11/2016 at 11:57 am

Please see the gov.uk link here which will give you more information on who to contact.

Keith 10/11/2016 at 1:13 pm

How do I get the ball rolling on a back round check. Who do I contact?

Nikki 03/11/2016 at 9:16 am

My. Partner is currently going to. Court to get access to his son , and his ex wife wants a background check done on me , he git the call from casscaff the other day amd they asked for my. Name and date of birth clearly to do a check on me surly they should of asked my. Permission first ive got nothing to hide but feel hard done by . can they do that without asking me first.

Dolly 01/11/2016 at 1:21 pm

My daughter as got a new partner I don't trust him one bit she as 6kids pluse 1to new parter can I do a back ground check on him for the sake of my grandkids

SeparatedDads Editor 27/09/2016 at 12:16 pm

You don't have any legal right to find out your ex's partner's full name. If you wish to take it further you would have to seek legal advice.

Mario1 26/09/2016 at 3:50 pm

I am allowed to at least get my ex's new partner full name? He was introduced with a nick name and I want to make sure that my chins is protected (I mean, he doesn't have a negative info on his records). Will I only know that if my ex is willing to provide me that information or do I have the legal right to know it?
Thank you

Coz 05/09/2016 at 5:45 pm

Hi i separated from my wife now for a year she has now gone back to her x parnter who has been jail twice for drug dealing and assult and i dont want my daughter near him what can i do

SeparatedDads Editor 06/07/2016 at 2:07 pm

Yes, with today's technology anyone can carry out a background check. As specified in the article Sarah's Law is one method. Also, Clare's Law, is The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme that gives members of the public a ‘right to ask’ police where they have a concern that their partner may pose a risk to them or where they are concerned that the partner of a member of their family or a friend may pose a risk to that individual.

Spud 05/07/2016 at 8:51 pm

Hi I was a bad relationship about 7 yrs ago with my ex partner, she had a restraining order against me. I have now moved on and the left the past behind me. I am in a new relationship now & she has a child with her ex & I love this person very much & very happy. I don't want my past to crop up but can this persons ex do a background check on me? & do I have my rights for privacy?

Zman 26/04/2016 at 1:56 pm

I just got information on my ex. She has a new boyfriend and just introduced him to my children. My question is do I have any right to know who this person is. All she would tell me is the first name and said that is all I need to know. I feel like I need to know what or who this person is.

B 05/03/2016 at 1:10 am

Hi am with a new girlfriend and I am not a violent person and the social are going to background check me and I agree to it what things will stop me from Being around her kids am really worried I love her and like her kids and what to have a life with them I got done for having canabis on me about a year a go. What things will stop me from geting on with my life with her and her kid.

concernedfather 20/02/2016 at 11:37 pm

Hi there. My ex partner has been together with her current partner now for over 2 years. I have my son with her and i pay an agreed amount to her monthly. Recently she asked me for money only to have breast implants and a new dog a week later. They broke up a few months ago and she enlightened me that he had been convicted for child sex offences aswell as previous violent activities and current steroid abuse. I couldnt see them getting back togethet but now they have. My son is in bits when he has to leave me to return to his mother because of the hate he feels for his mums partner. Obviously im very concerned and im constantly stressed about an outcome. Please help.

Billyjgb 19/02/2016 at 12:50 am

My ex is trying to take our son to Florida to be with her old new boyfriend. This is fact when I say this. He's a heroin addict alcoholic neo nazi in and out of jail but she says he's changed. I dunno maybe. I've never bin arrested. No jail I don't drink or anything. So my question is. I should have no trouble keeping him I see him literally everyday but have 4 to 5 overnights but get everyday from daycare for about 5 hours. She says none of that matters.

winter 11/02/2016 at 2:20 pm

I don't have unsupervised visits with my gf kids can they do checks without asking me

SeparatedDads Editor 27/01/2016 at 2:27 pm

One option would be to apply through the courts for a Specific Issue Order, which would not stop your ex from seeing your children, but can prevent his girlfriend. Should you wish to stop your ex seeing your children, he would have the option to take it to court.

Dasiey 27/01/2016 at 6:19 am

My ex and myself have 2 children his new girlfriend I'm told from her ex husband is violent and lost both of her kids from dhs I'm told she can not be unsupervised with children under.18 can I keep my children from my ex because I fear for our children's lives

Dario 23/01/2016 at 4:52 pm

Hello , Me and my ex split 4 years ago since that time she had 4 live in partners and another daughter , all her relationships ended in violence , my daughter was witnessing that , every time my ex changed partner she changed town to resulting my child had to change 3 schools , and now she lives with new partner and they fight , police was called to they house . and she with daughters had to move to her mothers resulting in my daughter missing couple days of school , now they back together , i see my daughter in weekend and my ex sad to my daughter she will get angry and slap her if she will tel me about police and fighting , my daughter is scared of her own mother , what can i do ? i live with partner nearly 4 years and wee have 2 and a half year old daughter and we would like to get my daughter full time living with us , my daughter says same she would like to live with us cos she is tired of witnessing all fighting in mothers house and is tired of moving places so often . Pleas help what do i do and how ?

SeparatedDads Editor 23/11/2015 at 12:47 pm

I am sorry to hear this. If it goes to court, then the court will decide what is in the best interests of your step-daughter. In the meantime Cafcass will get involved and issue a report. Please see link: What Goes into the Cafcass Family Report? whichI hope this helps.

Ct 22/11/2015 at 5:35 pm

I have a question and would like some help. I was living with my partner and her 4 year old daughter.. The father of the child has never liked me and has always seemed to have it in for me because of the close relationship that me and the child have. Recently myself and my partner had a huge argument and unfortunately the child witnessed a small amount. The child has told her father and he is saying he will apply for a court order to prevent me from seeing the child as its not safe for me to be around her. I have always treated this child as my own and brought her up alongside my partner to the point she has started calling me daddy. I did everything a father would do to look after her whilst her mother was working. Does the father have any right to prevent my contact with the child even though me and the mother have reconciled although living temporarily apart and the mother is completely in support of me maintaining a relationship with the child and has told the father that a court order is unreasonable. He is adamant that i will never see his daughter again for her safety. I understand he is concerned about his daughter but will not listen to my partner and that fact I have never done a thing to threaten or endanger the child. This feels more like a personal attack on me rather than looking after his child's safety as if he was to end me seeing the child it would bring the end of a relationship that he has never liked and always been against.

SeparatedDads Editor 02/09/2015 at 10:59 am

Many issues surrounding new partners are born out of jealousy and emotion rather than practicalities, so it is important to try and differentiate between the both. Is sounds like this is a bit of a tit-for-tat argument i.e you suggested getting her ex checked out and she is now doing the same to you and you are suddenly wanting a check on his ex again. Do you really feel he may be a threat to your child? I can only suggest you try and speak with her rationally and re-assure her that you too wouldn't put your child at risk. If you can't come to a rational solution between you, then perhaps you could try going through mediation, see article: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me?, whichThis way the mediator will advise whether it is necessary ro have background checks carried out etc. I hope this helps.

What2do? 01/09/2015 at 4:22 am

Ive been split from my ex for over 3 years now. We have a 6 year old.
So far everything has been amicable.
She has a new boyfriend, she was seeing on weekends for 2 years. I wanted to know more about him, but this was refused I was called an idiot and she won't put my daughter at risk.
She split from this guy and after 8 months they are back together.
I have recently met someone new and all of a sudden my ex wants to know what my girlfriend looks like. Because she is worried she may have a history or bring my daughter to harm.
My girlfriend has 3 children who are happy and healthy. She is also a teacher.
My ex is also threatening to go to a solicitor to get me set days when I can see my daughter. Up to now I see her on my days off from work which are usually in the week as I am in retail.

Does she have the legal right to know about my new girlfriend?
My daughter is never alone with anyone when I have her with me.

My ex's boyfriend will be alone with my daughter on occasion. Do I have the legal right to ask for the same thing and have a DBS check done?

Please help it is starting to put me under a lot of stress the way she's carrying on, it seems out of jealousy.

Thank you.

SeparatedDads Editor 26/08/2015 at 11:41 am

I can understand your concerns. Have you spoken to your children about this? You could broach it tentitively and carefully with them as your children will be the first to say if they are uncomfortable with any situation. I think the telling sign is when you begin to get the impresion that your children are not being as cared for as previously. You could suggest mediation with your ex, please see our partner article, Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? whichThis means you are both drawing attention to your concerns and bringing it to the attention of a third party. With regards to your ex's new partner, while Sarah’s law’allows parents to get information about anyone who has unsupervised access to their children, the law really concentrates on whether that person has has any previous convictions for child abuse. Therefore, if this is something you wish to know, then as suggested in the article, you might want to approach it in a particular way that does not alientate your ex or cause bad feeling. I think, if your ex does not want to speak to you, then I would try the mediation route first and see whether you can sort out your concerns this way. I hope this helps.

jimmy 25/08/2015 at 1:29 pm

I separated from my ex about 6 years ago and have shared custody of our two children. I have been in a stable relationship for 4 years and have a further two children. My ex has been in a string of relationships over the 6 years and i have never felt the need to act before but i am concerned with the latest. My ex had a nervous breakdown one month ago, i think brought on by a failed relationship, and while in care she met a chap (yes, he was in care also) who has since moved into her place. I've heard rumors he has a history of drug abuse and has not had access to his own children for 18 months. While collecting some of the childrens gear from my ex's place (with my 9 yr old daughter) it was evident my ex and her partner were high on something. My ex had told me she was out of town and the gear had been left out. I know my first step is to initiate a conversation about my concerns but so far my efforts have failed. I'm not sure what to do next. I can't meet him as my ex even prevents her friends meeting him. Is my next step a background check? Felt good getting that off my chest!

SeparatedDads Editor 16/06/2015 at 10:54 am

@Jes - If you believe you are the victim of harassment, you can contact the police through your local police station, who will pursue the matter. It would be advisable for you to keep all texts he has sent etc and try not to engage in conversation on any level. You do not have to undergo a DBS or drug tests. If he wants to do a background check, he would have to go through the ‘Sarah’s law’ route. I hope this helps.

Jes 13/06/2015 at 11:18 am

What if your being threatened by your new partners abusive ex husband, does he have the right to demand drug tests and crbs? Is it ok for him to send 1000 texts a day calling me a scumbag? What are my rights? How can I deal with this??

Had enough 10/06/2015 at 6:49 pm

Hello, well in this case am the gf and my bf has just recently broken up with his ex wife. Not because of me but she sure has hell thinks it was. Anyways they have two beautiful girls together which she threats that he isn't going to be able to see ever again because of "your whore gf". I understand she is hurt and all but she is distorting those girls and saying horrible things about him to them. One of the only reason she has is because I have a background I had a mister miner of 20g of cannibis 2 years ago and she is holding that against me or him ever seeing them. Can she do that because of MY background? Please help where desperate.

wendy 02/06/2015 at 10:48 pm

My ex-wife has a new boyfriend who stays in her house with my son. I met him once by accident at her place when I returned my son after a weekend together. I can only assume the best or the worst about him and the safety of my son since they both refused to give me any information apart from his first name. I would like to ask if there is a legal or other way I can put some pressure to them and find more about him and his intentions? I want to also ask if I have by law the right to know the full name of the person that stays in the house with my son and if yes how can I exercise this right? Thank you.

SeparatedDads Editor 21/05/2015 at 10:50 am

@ME1202 - yes, of course you can still follow this up without anyone's consent including your ex. However, as specified in the article, ideally, you should talk to your ex about your concerns, explaining that you are not judging her choice of partner but purely protecting your children. Try to discuss the possibility of doing a background check together so that she does not feel that you have gone behind her back. However, if this is not possible, perhaps because the relationship with your ex is strained, then you can contact your local police force for more information on the best way to pursue this. I hope this helps.

ME1202 17/05/2015 at 4:50 pm

What if you already know the person your ex has married all within 3 months of reconnecting after dating 10 years prior. You know of some criminal activity he was involved in and then after they marry he is arrested on 3 separate occasions in the first 15 months they are married and your ex wife never mentions anything. As a matter of fact, goes to great lengths to hide it from you, even having the child tell you lies or not tell you because he's not suppose to say anything.

Robstinni 04/05/2015 at 8:19 am

My baby mama has a bf who is on probation for drug charges could that help me in court?

SeparatedDads Editor 20/04/2015 at 12:23 pm

@cpe30 - you may be able to find more information via the Parents Protect helpline here. I hope this helps.

SeparatedDads Editor 20/04/2015 at 12:13 pm

@cpe30 - as specified in the article, ideally, you should talk to your ex about your concerns, explaining that you are not judging her choice of partner but purely protecting your children. Try to discuss the possibility of doing a background check together so that she does not feel that you have gone behind her back. If you explain your concerns rationally, then hopefully she will listen. She may also have some rational explanations regarding how your child has received the bruises, as I'm sure she would not want to put yoru child at risk.

cpe30 17/04/2015 at 4:30 pm

How do I go about getting my ex partners new boyfriends details if she will not give me them do I need to go to court ?? also as I said in last comment the new boyfriend now stays over night sometimes can I stop this until I have a check done ??

cpe30 17/04/2015 at 3:48 pm

My x has a new partner that I know about was told he only stayed for a few hrs on a Wednesday but have since found out he now stays sometimes, I have asked my x for her new partners details so I can have check done but been told no, my son has been coming with me sometime with bruises on his face and when I ask who did he doesn't tell me so I am a bit concerned

SeparatedDads Editor 25/03/2015 at 10:03 am

@Trace - The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme went live in 2014. The aim is to give people a ‘right to ask’ police to do a background check when they have a concern whether a partner may have a record of abusive offences. Please see link which includes guidance article here . I hope this helps.

Trace 22/03/2015 at 12:27 am

Hi where do I go to check a criminal record for somebody any help would be much appreciated thank you.

Mel Editor 03/02/2015 at 11:56 am

@ash - hopefully it won't come to that - but if you are concerned you should ask another member of your family to take charge.

ash 01/02/2015 at 3:22 pm

Hi can my wife have rights over my funeral even though we are not together due to her cheating with another man i am now fighting for my kids but dont want anything to do with her

Allan1970 22/11/2014 at 12:00 pm

Hi I'm now divorced following my wife having an affair with a younger man for around three months before I found out. We have two young children 7 and 4 whom I have a mutually agreed access by my ex which she does keep too. I have recently got to know that my ex new partner had 4 other kids to 3 different mothers and had a conviction for minor drugs and also has supervised visits to see his children one a fortnight, my kids home life before divorce was happy and they never had any negative effects within their lives. I still pay the mortgage on the joint property agreed instead of maintenance payments. Can anyone advice due to my concerns and also due to the fact he will not tell me any of his past or why social services are involved can I do anything legally to stop him being with my children due to any of this especially with a drugs conviction?

juliette 27/10/2014 at 4:34 pm

Hi can anyone give me advice. My partner has a 4yr old daughter to previous partner. Since starting a relationship with me and him having a strong bond with my son she has denied access even though it has been court ordered. My partner took her to court as a last resort and is desperate to have a relationship with his daughter. He even attended a contact centre at her insistence although the court deemed it unnecessary. Time after time she 'moves the goal posts' making demands that are unreasonable although he has been granted access it never materialises. Can he report her to the court for non compliance?. She agrees to anything in the court but has never followed anything agreed upon for more then a couple of weeks. He rings to speak to his daughter regularly as was demanded by his ex but she abuses him and threatens him throughout the whole call. He is so sad all the time and feels he can't do anything to resolve it as all his attempts suggested by the judge for last year meant nothing in court.

irishman 26/10/2014 at 10:34 pm

Please can I get some advice my ex partner was very violent I finally left her over a year ago she has our four year old son living with her I'm going through court proceedings to see my son she has now made up all sorts of lies about me saying I threatened her over Facebook I have received a molestation order for this a haven't seen my son for three weeks now I'm in court next week can I be stopped from having contact with my son please help as it's breaking my heart not seeing him

Rob Editor 22/10/2014 at 12:55 pm

@SJM - this is a tricky one as the man will always put his children first and if he has suffered the pain of being separated from her in the past then he will understandably do everything he can to maintain a proper relationship with his daughter. If you put yourself in his shoes and the same had happened to you then you might understand how difficult it can be. It's great that you obviously get on with his daughter and it sounds like you are really a positive influence in her life. But I think this is one thing you will have to accommodate as it is unlikely to change. You'll just need to organise things around when he hasn't got his daughter. I think it's nice that he puts his child first, it shows that he is a very caring dad. You should try and give him all the support you can - because it sound like you've got a good man who is trying to do the best he can.

jim 03/09/2014 at 5:48 pm

I have had almost the same problem, I had access for 5 years uninterrupted and no lawyers were involved. My ex moved her new boyfriend in Christmas 2013 and it has been a living hell since then... He has now started calling the shots on when i can see my kids and the original agreement that we had wasn't good enough for him. I contacted a solicitor and had him send a letter (i hadn't seen my children since Christmas at this point) and contact resumed at the end of March with the same agreement we had before.

Now this is where it gets strange, i had a family member pass away and had a funeral to attend so i asked if i could change the set weekend on this occasion. this led to a massive argument and her telling me that i was an unfit father and if I'm being honest I don't really care what she says about me but she was telling my children this and always has done. She has now stopped all contact again and i am unsure of what to do next... Also i know her new boyfriend is a heavy drinker and he has threatened me over the phone and via text message on more than one occasion i have had the police involved but they tell me they cant do anything about it.

All i want to do is go collect my children, enjoy my time with them and drop them back home. I dont want to be jumping through the hoops that she seems to enjoy setting out! I really feel as if i am being victimised for wanting to see my kids and every avenue i try takes months.

any help would be appreciated as i am not clued up on the law side of things.

craig 22/05/2014 at 10:26 am

me and my ex split in November 2013, this was a long overdue break because I tried to stick it out for my 2 girls which I know isn’t always best. My relationship was a nightmare with drunken abuse / attacks / mind games. I have 2 lovely girls that saw a lot of this from their mother and the surrounding neighbours who I must thank for their support. When we broke up she did try everything to get back together but I knew it would never changed as we have split up so many times for the same thing and the drinking was never going to stop. I even asked her mother and father for support and off course this was swept under the carpet because her mother liked a drink every night as well and she was the route of all evil, manipulating my ex her daughter with her mind games, she was of course a daddy’s girl so the best he could do was make me feel good and then offer his daughter another bottle (see where this is going)
when I left I said she could have the house as I wanted to cut all ties and make a fresh start, this was struggled of and instead they decided to us a social network to slander me and tell everyone I had made her and my girls homeless...this was ongoing for a while and was causing me much grief so I resulted to the police. I then underwent threat on my life from her and her family, I was receiving calls at midnight, and text’s of course all drunken with my children in her care!! I had to block her and her family (yes sad & chilliest) good thing is I have kept all texts. As she was unable to take the house on I gave her 3 months free living and I went and rented a bed sit. She finally moved out in February and I moved in only to discover that she had cleared me out of everything I had a shell to move back in to, even took thinks like carpet, washing line pegs, bulbs etc I’m finally getting the bits I need to live again but as you know it isn’t cheap starting again after 8 years , and on top of this we had £45,000 worth of dept that is all in my name and NO she is not helping with any money, even her father owes me £3000 which I have been told I will never see... I was a foul to trust her with one of my credit cards and only found out last month that she was transferring the odd £400 from my card to her bank account.
Once she moved out I started giving her some child maintenance money which is the same as I pay for my other children from a previous relationship. Once she found out that she could get more money through the CSA if she said I never see my children she stopped my access until the claim was completed now she gets an additional £80 a month and I’m back seeing my girls and I’m having them at least 2 overnight sleeps every fortnight but when I reported this to the CSA they told me my word was not enough evidence and the only way I can appeal is by getting a letter from the courts to say how many nights I have the children.
More money I haven’t got so to be honest some women can be heartless and the sad thing is they use

bigman 05/07/2013 at 1:08 pm

I have a 10yr old and my ex has split from her husband and I have heard that she is on about moving someone else in. the same thing happened after I split with her. what are my limitations with regards to my parental responcesabilty order?

Phigs75 30/03/2013 at 11:27 am

Hi can anybody advise me in which direction to take. , been divorced 2 years and the ex hasn't let me see my kids for 2 years , just been made redundant cant afford a solicitor and no legal aid anymore , the lies she tells are unreal and hurtful. It's not just me who doesn't she my four children its my whole family , I believe I can take her to court myself but how does this work ?...

STRESSED OUT DAD ,,,

joanne 07/02/2013 at 12:38 pm

Hi MarkyI feel so sorry for you, unfortunately the law is in favour of the woman. My boyfriends ex partner has accused me of hitting their daughter. She persuaded her daughter to say that I had smacked her bottom and her father was watching , she then promised her a pony!! the daughter is extremely shy and was diagnosed with selective mutism when she was three and signed off when she was 4 , she is now 8 and because we are taking the mother to court for contact, she has resurrected these calms of selective mutism and I am not allowed to be present when my boyfriend has contact , the court allow him one overnight stay a month and I have to vacate the house so he can see her, the mother tried to stop her coming to my house. She screams constantly at the child and she is a nervous wreck which is making her shyness worse. We have already spend £11k through the courts and because she is playing the selective mutism card we are powerless and I cannot defend myself. My advise is to go to court and the judge in normal circumstances will grant every other week end and a night in the week, it will cost about £1500 for one hearing but get a good barrister so it doesnt drag on. Unfortunately you are surplus to requirements!! Fight her and good luck !!

Marky 25/01/2013 at 8:38 pm

Can anyone please help? My children's mother and I divorced over a year ago and she and my 2 children live in Scotland whereas I live in England. Up until recently I had the children on school holidays (mainly easter and Summer) Ever since a financial disagreement she has told me the kids no longer want anything to do with me and I have had no contact for over 4 months (at time of posting) I have a mobile phone number which I still text but to no avail. All correspondence is ignored and to be honest im getting concerned for their well being. Dont know what (if anything I can do). Any reply or advice would be helpful. Thanks.

ife 24/01/2013 at 3:52 pm

Dear Adviser,Can you please advice; if I can request the family court to allow a hearing under oath or affirmation. my ex wife has been lying in every hearing we have been to. I have just found out that all her lies and alienation towards my daughter was because she was commiting adultery while we were married.i know she will deny all these new findings, hebce can I request for an oath or affirmation in our next hearing which is suppose to be for assessment of how my contact is going with my daughter.

rene56 10/10/2012 at 2:11 pm

My son's ex partner (they have two boys) is now living with her new partner but is very reluctant to let my son meet him which is causing him distress. I think its because she has lied to her new partner about her previous relationship with my son and is now scared to be found out.What is the best way for him to approach this? Is there some way he can force this legally?

Sparkius 19/09/2012 at 11:04 pm

Can anyone advise me whether I can enforce a general CRB check on my wife's new husband? I had thought that this guy was a normal guy however, I recently had cause to discuss finances with him and my ex-wife and he turns out to be a total thug. After threatening to kill me, he made attempts to hit me and totally lost the plot.
I contacted the police and he was cautioned for his behaviour but I now think that he might have a history of violence? I am concerned for the safety of my children and ex-wife. Is there a way of enforcing a CRB check?

Sally Editor 04/09/2012 at 10:00 am

@ nobby - I would contact social services. he should not be hitting our kids NO MATTER WHAT. it's not his place. if the child needs reprimanding it should come from your ex. it's one thing raising your voice but another thing completely hitting a child!!!I doubt the police would do anything but it might be worth your while calling them to register a complaint!!

nobby 02/09/2012 at 2:41 pm

my ex partner is in a on off relationship this man keeps coming back time after time one minit he is going to move in then he is not they split for a few months then he is back and my son and daughter are caught in the middle my daughter is 17 and my son is 13 this man goes into my daughter bedroom when she is out poking around he tells them what they have to do sometimes shouting at them both kids hate this man and want to live with me i know that he has smacked my son round the back of his head and grabbed him by the neck i do not know what to do can someone give me some advice please

fedup 12/07/2012 at 9:27 am

I'm going through the same thing @carliebar. My husband had an affair for almost a year, we've been separated for almost 9months and he is now living withthe womAn and her 3 children about 2hours from where I live with my daughter. He has contact every other weekend at his months house- this started as day contact for 6months and has just last month turned to overnight contact(she has only stayed 2nights). We had the conversation bout 2weeks ago that our daughter wouldn't meet his new partner until january (I would have said once we were separated a year but unfortunately he choose our daughter 3rd birthday to break the news of his affair and I do not want her 4th birthday tainted of more memories of his affair) he rang me at 6am the day before my birthday this week to ask me if he could bring his new partner for contact this weekend, when I said no he told me well its tough because she will be there this weekend and its got nothing to do with me. I have taken legal advise as I know I can't legally stop this from happening but I feel bullied as he gets quite nasty over the phone when he doesn't get his own way threatening if I don't let it happen he will go to court to get his contact moved to where he lives with his partner instead of it being at his mums where our daughter is comfortable and secure. I feel I can't trust him as he agrees to one thing then changes his mind and creates( a similar situation occurred when he decided it was time for night contact to begin)my solicitors are waiting for his to respond to a letter bout this but I'm concerned we won't get a response in time and I don't want to stop contact this weekend but I'm also not going to be pushed into corners for the rest of my daughters adolesant life.

carlibar 09/07/2012 at 1:50 pm

My daughter has been seperated from her husband for five months. He had an affair and now wants the kids to meet her. My daughter has said not until she meets her and he said it will never happen. Well he has done the dirty. this evening he has the kids overnight and has rang to say that he is introducing the kids to her tomorrow and there is nothing she can do about it. He then called her the "C" word wouldn't allow her to speak to the kids and hung up and has now switched his phone off. He has been abusive the whole time and has been reported to the Police and interviewed. How does she stand in this position she really needs advice. Thanks if anyone can help us. Carlibar

Mr SJ 10/06/2012 at 11:48 pm

I have recently found out that my ex has a new man in her life. I have not got a problem with this fact but it has only been going for 8 days and I am concerned because she has taken great delight telling me that he is staying over night!!

I have said I did not have a problem with her having a new man but I was concerned that he was staying over and in contact with my son when she did not really know him. I suggested that I go for 'sarahs law' but she went mad and said it was none of my business etc. She also said that if I did do this then she would make me go to court to see my son, although I have PR. She has also stated that she needs set time for when I see my son. Unfortunatly my shift patterns change on a weekly basis and she wants set days.

She recently had my son son removed for a night from her care because she was deemed unfit by the police to have care of him because she has a drink problem. She is known to social services after having been reprted by other parties.

I have been told to go to child protection team and express my concerns and see what they suggest but I really dont know what to do.

I have seen a solicitor and the ex ignores the letters. I obviously do not want to rock the boat but I do want to know my son is safe. I do not agree with the way she is bringing him up but there is no talking to her or getting her to see reason.

What do people recommend?? I really am desperate now.

Many thanks in advance

nick Editor 31/05/2012 at 10:13 am

@firstace, you can't stop her from seeing her mum completely it's not fair on your daughter. If your ex wants contact then it will have to be supervised like you say, if there is a danger. If your ex wants to see your daughter she will have to a agree to this for now until she can earn your trust again. Don't worry about your daughter calling someone else daddy, your her dad and she knows it.

firstace 30/05/2012 at 3:21 pm

My Ex wants contact with my daughter but she's not allowed unsupervised contact. My ex cheated on me then tried to take my daughter away from me to bring her up with her new partner. I have since won temp custody but my partner still wants contact with my daughter and her new partner at the weekends. I don't want my daughter put in danger like my partner did before & also don't want her calling someone else DADDY!

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