How to Improve Relations with Your Child's Mother

Author: Anna Martin

Maintaining good communication between both parents impacts on your child’s wellbeing, emotional security and confidence in many positive ways. Therefore, it is important to establish an open and honest exchange as soon as possible after separation. Although some relationships can provide challenges, when it comes to communicating in an effective and productive manner, it is important to work at creating a harmonious relationships.

When words fail in face to face conversations, putting your thoughts in writing can help break the ice using our free Letter Builder.

Improving Communication

Many couples experience poor communication before separation takes place. In some cases, communication can become almost non existent, which creates further problems regarding custodial and property issues and agreeing effective solutions. There are, however, simple ways to improve communication and to establish shared responsibility and decision-making:

There is little point talking about bad habits, challenging behaviour and other issues that may relate to anger or frustration.
To encourage good communication it is important to listen actively and to consider the other person’s needs.
Collecting your thoughts before responding allows you to consider the best way of communicating your message, and will ensure that you do not intimate or provoke a negative response.

Commit to Making Improvements

Improving relations with an ex-partner is a two-way exchange. All relationships naturally have their ups and downs and understanding how to maintain balance will help you identify ways of making improvements. Committing to checking in with each other, regarding parental and Financial Issues, also creates a positive exchange in communication and problem solving. Remember to also be mindful of expressing any negative criticism, however, as this will affect all the positive efforts you are making.

Parental Alienation Checker

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Learn to Appreciate

Appreciating the care and attention your ex-partner consistently shows your child/children creates a positive impression that encourages reciprocation. This in turn improves interaction and communication and encourages the development and growth of harmonious relationships.

Being tolerant of each other, regardless of previous challenges and difficulties, also enables you both to move forward in creating a more rewarding form of communication that benefits everyone.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

What Not to Do

As a responsible adult, it is important that you act like one whenever you are speaking to your child’s mother.
Threatening or intimating behaviour and communication – whether by telephone, email, or text – should not be used or tolerated.
Using your child/children to deliver messages or to provide you with information is also not recommended.

Making good communication a priority will ensure you pay careful attention to behaviour or questioning that may provoke a negative response. Ensuring you are attentive, supportive and willing to create positive changes will also help you maintain a positive outlook.

If All Else Fails

Couple counselling is not exclusively available to cohabiting individuals. In times of great stress, emotional difficulties and poor communication, counselling may provide you with the best solution to improving relations with an ex-partner or spouse. Using Mediation can also help couples overcome communication problems so that they are able to work together at maintaining an improved level of communication, acceptance and understanding of each other and shared circumstances.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Parental Alienation Checker lets you check for signs of parental alienation and get guidance on next steps. Takes 2 minutes. Try it now →

Showing 20 of 28 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

Daedae01 07/07/2021 at 12:41 am

As For Myself my bm expect to be more mature when she the one says hurtful and disrespectful things that will bring a man self-esteem low it was so bad that I was depressed I even gave her another chance to get herself together to be wither but it got worse … she wished death on me and got me fired from my job. Around that time , I didn’t have nobody with me I had myself and I met an old friend & she helped me back on my feet. So when my bm find out I was back with her, she told me I’ll never see my son again and threatened my friend. Every day I think How ima deal with this for the rest of my life cause I don’t wanna be depressed again and I don’t want my son to see his father go through depression.

another father 01/06/2021 at 11:02 am

I must totally agree with onlylexus
This is my exact experience. My wife through solicitor totally severed all communication and has told em to make no attempt to visit the house nor contact her on grounds of possible harassement (I have not even called her, nor got anyone in the family to speak to her for fear of being accused of harassement. We have no orders against me thanks to my solicitors advice to keep away.

I texted my 2 daughters saying I love them and if they wish they can speak to me and that I was not angry. This worked and I had a 30 miniute call from my daughter - I immediately cried as I had not seen my daughter for 3 weeks being told she did not wish to speak to me by the social services. I called the social worker on Monday and told him I have phone records to prove it and to ask again for contact. He was talking about further phonecalls and how he cannot ask for contact if the mum refuses - my understanding is it was the child's right if she wishes and the social worker shoudl encourage and facilitate this.

Again I would love to have a good relationship with my wife and children but my wife has stopped even any possibility of this by closing all lines of communication. I appreciate she may feel emotionally fragile but this is also a very effective strategy of parental alienation.

I agree women's rightis should be protected but conversely they should not be able to manipulate the system to their advantage and detriment of the relations of the father and their children.

anyone else with any tips it would be greatly apreciated

Ajani 20/04/2021 at 7:25 am

Advise Please: WARNING.... I WAS A PIECE OF CRAP... Enter younger me, I meet with a woman after almost being trapped in a relationship with another that just had a child that was not mine and ended with her being extremely abusive towards me. Afterward, she emptied our bank accounts and left the state, forcing me to lose my apartment at the time. Staying between friends home and at times within our car, I lived with a woman for almost 2.5yrs, and ended up having a child with her. The stress of the cumulative situations pushed bother her and I to the most toxic versions of ourselves to the point that, like the last girlfriend, she ended up putting her hands on me multiple times until I did the inexcusable and retaliated. No matter what builds up to it, how it happens what occurs, it is never okay to retaliate, and I know and knew that... But at the time, something in me had broken after the situation we had found ourselves in, the goading of people I thought were "Friends", and the childish mindset of a man in his early twenties that thought he knew better...

Despite me losing a part of myself, she stayed and we worked together to create a life. Our son Avari. Shortly after he was born however, it turns out the venomousness of my family would sink the final nail in our relationship. My family had continuously put themselves into issues with myself and the mother of my child, encouraged or otherwise set wedges between us psychologically. At the time, I didn't realize this, but eventually after multiple issues, things came to a head with my Aunt pretty much lying to the mother of my child telling her that a co-worker that I had hang out with had "relations" with me. THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. The girl came by to buy marijuana, she was the cousin of the homeowner I was living with, and I was trying at the time to support our family at a new workplace. I introduced the mother of my child to this woman. But... with how everything happened, and how it was my own aunt portraying this situation (She had came by to drop off my medication, noticed the woman at the house hanging on the couch smoking, asked who she was, I informed her, she left... But she tells the mother of my child that she thought I was lying and that I MUST HAVE BEEN sleeping with her... I had only met this woman earlier that week).... I was buried.

It has been 6 years since she has allowed me to see my son. I have constantly attempted to message and speak with her... I'm honestly at a point, nothing else really matters to me. The thought that my child is out in the world and I have no part in it eats at me every day. I own my home now, I have my own car, I have a career... And it just lacks luster. I don't know what to do anymore. Life just feels meaningless. I worked so hard to change from that monster that would allow himself to be so stupid, but it just feels like no matter where I move, what I do, and how I try to fill my life with things to distract myself.... I can't get ou

Jdesil 18/03/2020 at 2:47 pm

Advice please! I have 3 kids w my ex wife and need to know if what I am doing is at least understandable. We are both currently in our own relationships and both happy! In the past I have allowed her to live w me and come and go as she pleased! My reasoning for this is bc my children adore their mother and it makes them feel better when they can see her and know that she is safe! There is no romantic feelings there whatsoever. Like I said we are both happy in our relationships. This is strictly for my kids sake and not a single other reason. My girlfriend thinks I am holding on to something regardless of my reasoning.. I have told her exactly why I do this and have not kept a single secret! Please tell me if what I am doing is understandable and if this is saying I am holding on to my relationship! Which I assure you I am not!!! Please let me know!

aj 09/04/2019 at 2:39 pm

HI I need some help my new partner has two children with his soon to be ex wife.. They split because she was not supportive of his son from another relationship and constantly tried to put a wedge in between his son and him. Since their split she gave him visitation about 10 minutes a day and only when she wanted him to have it. She won't agree to no visitation by text email letter etc.. Anytime he asked about seeing the kids she said TAKE ME TO COURT.. so now my partner was approached by people that had been around his children and they told him of their concerns that the children was not being cared for by the mother and that she is not even trying to watch them whilst in public. He addressed his concerns to the court and has now been given a court date.. His soon to be ex wife received the court papers went ballistic about them and then called NSPCC and now he is being accused of child abuse on a 1 year.. We are our wits end and have court soon, but with the pending investigation feel like she has put a spanner in the works.. The ex wife has a history of mental illness and lying , she has even been sectioned in the passed for this and self harming.. Any advice would be appreciated x

Jay 23/03/2019 at 11:37 am

I had a very strained relationship with my father when I was younger. He did nothing wrong to me, my mother never spoke about him bad, she never spoke about him at all. When I was 5 I found out that he was my father after the relationship between my mother and the man I thought was my father ended. Upon meeting my father’s family, they did speak about my mother, very poorly. His wife/girlfriend belittled her, his mom barely knew her but talked about how she kept me away, his sisters and brothers and other children or step children all just acted like this was normal. This was supposed to be my family and my name changed to his but I never felt welcomed and his significant other often made fun of how I cried and as I got older helped him to blame my mother for rejecting them. Meanwhile, my mother often cried after interacting with him... when I was 10, after being confronted with all the bad things I told her, she explained to me how my father simply abandoned her, how he would only provide anything for me after making sure his partner’s children had what they needed, how he’d pass her in the street and humiliate her for this other woman. I went to my father’s house a few times after that up until I was 14 and decided I no longer wanted contact. Please remember this story when interacting with your child’s mother.

Fortheloveofcats 09/08/2017 at 4:11 pm

ADVICE PLEASE
I have been living with my partner for 5 years now. His 8yr old daughter comes to stay with us once a fortnight and has extra time with us during school holidays etc.
Daughter absolutely loves her dad an enjoys spending time with us.
Mum is extremely vindictive and is currently accusing us of abusing daughter as we are proving a diet to child which she claims is making her ill. Mum has never had child tested for dietary problems and refuses to do so as he claims it is cruel?
We have never experienced daughter being ill whilst in our care, but often do when we collect her from mothers house at the end of the week.
My problem is, dad is too scared to stand up to mum and tell her straight and then takes his frustration out on me.
Is there anywhere I can go for professional advice/support?
Thanks in advance.

Dutchblue 17/06/2017 at 10:52 pm

My wife and me split up 3 weeks ago for a reason that I don't fully understand, but she has not let me see or speak to my son since then. She took out a non molestation order against me, saying that I had strangled her and hit the children ( she has 3 children from a previous marriage), none of which is true, although we did argue in front of the children sometimes. The NM order has been overturned as I gave an undertaking without predjudice to the court. She has since moved home and I don't know where she is, and she doesn't reply to my emails asking about my son, even though I have parental responsibility. She is now saying that he doesn't want to see me and his nursery is reporting that he is saying that his daddy has a gun and hits mummy. Again, not true, but as he has said this the courts have only agreed to allow me to have supported visits pending cafcass safety checks. I am so worried that when I do get to see him he will not want to know me, and even worse, will hate me. He is 4.5 years, and before the breakup me and him were inseperable. Any advice?

SeparatedDads Editor 21/01/2016 at 1:46 pm

I am sorry to hear you are struggling to see your children. Both sides of the story can be seen here. On one hand you have irregular hours and therefore cannot make plans and on the other hand your ex cannot be expected to drop her or your children's plans to accommodate you if you call giving little or no notice. It is also reasonable for your ex to want to know what and when you are arranging to see your children as any responsible mother would. Often children will say yes and not be aware they may have something else on etc. You have a couple of options, one is to have a word with your boss and ask can your days off be specified, so that you can make plans to see your children. Surely in the restaurant industry there are quieter days such as Mondays or Tuesdays against busier ones such as the weekend. Your boss can't expect you to drop your plans either and request you come in if you have made plans. So, in the first instance I would try to get a little more continuity at work. If you can't discuss it with your ex directly, Mediation may also be a way that you could come to solution, see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here. I hope this helps.

frustrated 21/01/2016 at 7:27 am

Advice please.
I work as a chef and my hours and days of work are determined by much custom the restaurant i work in has. Its difficult to plan regular time off and in most cases i provide little or no notice when i wish to see my children.

The issue i have is that when i text or call to say i can see the, im told they are doing something or have plans for that day. My heart sinks when i know i can see them but their mother thinks what they have planned is more important than spending time with me. I have explained my situation..but she being the parent with care doesn't consider my situation and tells me i need to provide more notice if i want to see them. Im now at the stage were it hurts each time i ask and im refused and i won't ask her any more. My oldest son is 11 and i got him a phone for his 10th birthday and pay a contract each month...i try calling and texting him...letting him know im off work and that if he would like me to see him and his brother then to ask their mum when i can pick them up and drop them back off and i would come and pick them up. He tells me that "mum" says i need to go through her if i want to arrange to see them. He doesn't understand that i have tried this...and i don't wish to explain how i feel when im told that i can't see them.
I understand she needs to know when and where the kids are and when i will take them and drop them off.

My question is this....do i have to communicate with my ex partner of 7 years to see my kids....am i wrong in sending a text or calling them directly and arranging things via oldest son. Is their another way?

DAB 28/04/2015 at 2:53 am

What a load of feminist discharge Anna Martin - written to eschew even power from fathers to mothers no doubt !
The law forces compromise on serious committed dads yet relies upon the goodwill of a mother in return - where there is none (and it's rarely legally enforced before tragedy to the family by dissociaton of one parent - usually dad - has already occurred) - then dad is left high and dry in law - and that's it - it's that simple !!
Establishing each "case" on a "case by case" scenario thereafter is simply a method of divide and rule and it enables our lawyers to get fat rich happy holidays on the back of families which they help to destroy employing terms like "reasonableness" (as if there's a measured scale for it or like it might be reciprocated in measured kind ") - basically its tosh!

Seebif 04/05/2014 at 11:35 am

It is good that 99.9% of all parents communicate in some form, for the best interest of their children. Sadly this is not my situation and I would like to explain to add another perspective offering a supportive response which I hope others might offer me the same.

The paternal family and I have not had any form of direct contact with our minor children (boys) for 19 months. Sadly owing to her malignant cryptic narcissism the mother is unable under any conditions wanting communication. I have attempted mediation 7 times; twice through compassionate letters to her, twice through letters to her solicitor, once through attempting to speak with her at Court in which she retorted, " I have nothing to say to you", after one year of total non communication apart from the Court Process and twice officially through a mediation company. So please do not rant about being at loss at not seeing your kids for a few hours less than on the CO!

Unless they have been taken abroad or have died consider others who were their primary carer (24/7) whose natural and loving rights have been totally curtailed only by lies, perjury and collusion with the Local Authority who have outrageously perverted the course of justice (and even judges get 16 months in the Cooley for this now).

I was the children's primary carer, like a few of you are for all their lives; since Oct 2012, I and all in the paternal family especially their sister - a mother figure to them also - have not seen the boys due to the alienation process; have had to endure non molestation orders - groundless (she was afraid of a Finding of Fact); consent agreements thwarted by further alienation-psychological rape of the boys; breaking of Court Orders; and all because this woman came from abroad (yes one of these new EU countries), abducted the boys, evicted me from my home of thirty years and defamed the paternal family all for being caring professionals in their working and family lives....short enough synopsis.

Trusting the Family Court (in this situation I cannot in the balance of probabilities say the same as others) to ensure the best interests when they are being abused to this level is a joke until now. I believe and have been told this by other women, let alone men how have I kept so calm? When you are in the right you know you are doing what is in the best interest then you do stay calm! Most would have done certain things to a person who DOES NOT care for our children but is solely using them as a hatred weapon of hostility due to the breakdown of our marriage; thinking that when she came from this Baltic Nation she would be living solely the "Life of Riley". When she found not she then had to revise her remit for a relationship....this was her modus operandi. (Previous boyfriend in her Baltic Nation was a local currency millionaire)...Her education and understanding of education in England and Wales and a the fact that sadly it is 100 years advanced than her previous country and he

greenbean 20/04/2014 at 3:22 pm

My son had he's first contact at a contact centre he has not seen his daughter for 2years he had to travel from london to hull for a 2 hour visit that lasted for 55 mins.when his daughter came into a comunal room she did not know him so he went over to her and said hello iam your dad. She said your not my dad my dads at home she was upset. My son said her mother had not prepared her for this visit. Yet the court had told her to prepare his daughter for the visit shehad 2 months to do this. We just don't know what to do as she will not go in with the child to help the situtation this is mental cruelty to his daughter.

edda 20/03/2014 at 1:33 pm

My son's ex since moving her controlling boyfriend in , will not reply to any phone calls or texts to her, She has let the boyfriend control the phone calls he has with his children, so it was an opening when he went to collect his girls that his ex spoke to him he asked her to let him see his eldest child that he has not seen for months now and she said give it time just leave her alone. He said you know me I love my children so much, at which point the boyfriend interrupted and came out and started to be abusive to my son calling him names etc. My son didn't call the police thinking he didn't want more trouble when he went to pick up his children. But later he did and reported the abusive, it then turned out the ex and boyfriend called the police and they came to check on the welfare of the children ( he has been separated from his ex for 4 years and has picked up the children whenever she didn't want them around) so however you think there might be a link to your ex to get on, DO NOT TRUST THEM.All he wants is to see his children not spend money in the courts but what else can you do?? He feels he has lost his eldest daughter for no reason and I have lost my eldest granddaughter, which is heartbreaking, but there does not seem to be any help and children need their father and family in their lives it is so important for them to grow up in a healthy and loving extended family.

edda 16/03/2014 at 10:54 am

My son 's ex will not talk to him about anything since she moved a man into the house, he seems to be in total charge of my grandchildren , blocking gifts phone calls etc etc. The eldest 10 year stopped wanting to see her dad and me and since he separated from the mother 4 years ago ( they use to talk all the time ) she just says oh give my daughter time to see you, but she has been told by the court to encourage my son to see his daughter. This also was bad he takes the 2 younger ones to school and they love it, but he received a letter from the school saying he should drop them off at home as it makes the elder girl anxious, luckily he has a good solicitor that informed him he has the right to go to the school , the school is clearly in the wrong that it can go on the word of a mother that wants my son to go away and crawl under a rock and the boyfriend that cannot keep his nose out of things that do not concern him. A mother and a Father need contact (she will not) for the sake of the children) not any other person has the right to interfere . My heartbreak is there everyday for my son and myself not having any contact with the elder girl, the questions we ask ourselves over and over again ..what happened..brainwashing I am afraid that is what has happened. Read the child aleinanation syndrome and see if you can tick off the things it lists that are happening to you. You will be shocked that you will tick off loads of the remarks and it frightens the life out of you, that in this day and age this is happening to fathers all over and there seems to be no help in the law to recognise this is going on.

stillinshock 16/10/2012 at 4:41 pm

I am now 5 weeks on from seeing my two little boys (5 years old). On our wedding anniversary my wife created a row and persevered for hours even attacking me which led to me pushing her off me. She then went to her mothers for 2 weeks with the children. In the meantime the police arrested me for some serious allegations she had made and now I am on bail removed from the house with no contact allowed and having to live at my parents meaning a 4 hour commute to work each day. I have already spent a number of thousand on solicitors fees yet little progress has been made 2 minute phone calls so far with the children. The only contact she has agreed to is in a contact centre but these places have long watiing lists. My biggest concern is the children who have effectively lost their father and grandparents overnight. I am still struggling to understand whether it is pure evil or mental health issues but from looking at this site it seems to be pretty common. My solicitor seems to be keen to want to take this to court for contact yet there does not seem to be many good words said about the courts from a fathers perspective
Any help would be appreciated

Jez 29/08/2012 at 6:51 pm

So upshot is I have to fund seeing a physciatrist to prove I'm mentally capable of having my children on an overnight basis!! She lied in a statement saying I had threatened her was abusive to her in front of the children and that is taken on face value!!! A letter from my GP was ignored!!
I have to prove now also what contact I've had as she has said I've not seen them much.Well at times she stopped me from seeing them for weeks at a time.
I may well have been a crap husband BUT I've always been a fully hands on dad and I've financially supported them for the 3years since I've gone.
Feeling a bit pissed off tbh.
My advice is say nothing,text nothing or email nothing that can be used as evidence against you.If your asked how you are don't say your feeling low or down just say you're fine!!
Don't wait hoping she will become reasonable-they don't!!!!!!!
Don't be over generous hoping that will make a difference-it doesn't!!
Do everything through a solicitor even the most trivial of things so there is a legal paper trail.
Do not expect a fathers word to count for anything-it won't.
Keep records of everything that is said and done.
Finally I suppose you should just work as hard as possible to stay together and avoid all this vile behaviour and being in the circus they call "the family courts"!

Jez 29/08/2012 at 10:25 am

Am sat in side room at court.
Cafcass after a 7 minute telephone conversation and reading allegations from my ex wife have declared they have no role in the case.
I suffer from anxiety and mild depression but am painted as a risk to my children.Her word is taken as truth whereas I have to defend my right to parent.
So now I have to pay £1000 to see a shrink for an assessment and in meantime see my children for 29 hours per month,during which I can only assume I'm not a risk.
I want 8 overnights a month with my children.I work,don't do drugs,have no criminal record and have financially supported her and my children for the three years since we seperated.
Quite honestly I feel this is a system stacked against a father but in favour of any mother claiming "to have her children's best interests at heart".

tumbles 28/08/2012 at 6:41 pm

I am at a loss to understand how some mothers can be so cruel to their children. My partner and I have watched his ex-wife use his kids as tools against him. When he lost his job through redundancy as the company shut down, she told his son he is useless and didn't want to pay for him. After their divorce he raised the money to buy them a house by mortgage, he has to work so hard and is left with nothing. Recently he took qualifications and got himself a better job but for one month he can't afford to pay her even though she herself has no outgoings and a job. She has made her son question him about payments and told her son he is not paying child maintenance. This is totally untrue as for one monthy he didn't earn enough to pay it let alone keep himself. This woman is ruining the life of a boy who is about to start senior school and denying his daughter from speaking to her father over the phone. Why doesn't she get on with her life and be happy that she is housed and that he does everything he possibly can. She has moved them away to an area which is 7 hour drive just to get to see them.

tired of trying 27/08/2012 at 4:55 pm

Hi Fastslippers..... I hope your situation has improved... our situation with my partners ex will never improve.... she has stopped harassing us directly, she now uses the kids to manipulate situations ALL the time and we just have to deal with it.......

You cannot have an amicable relationship with a monster and that's exactly what my partners ex is.... a lying, twisted, greedy monster who has damaged her own children to upset her ex.....

some mothers should be imprisoned!!

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