Home > Psychology > How to Improve Relations With Your Child's Mother

How to Improve Relations With Your Child's Mother

By: Anna Martin - Updated: 29 May 2023 | comments*Discuss
Child Children Separation Communication

Maintaining good communication between both parents impacts on your child’s wellbeing, emotional security and confidence in many positive ways. Therefore, it is important to establish an open and honest exchange as soon as possible after separation. Although some relationships can provide challenges, when it comes to communicating in an effective and productive manner, it is important to work at creating a harmonious relationships.

Improving Communication

Many couples experience poor communication before separation takes place. In some cases, communication can become almost non existent, which creates further problems regarding custodial and property issues and agreeing effective solutions. There are, however, simple ways to improve communication and to establish shared responsibility and decision-making:

  • There is little point talking about bad habits, challenging behaviour and other issues that may relate to anger or frustration.
  • To encourage good communication it is important to listen actively and to consider the other person’s needs.
  • Collecting your thoughts before responding allows you to consider the best way of communicating your message, and will ensure that you do not intimate or provoke a negative response.

Commit to Making Improvements

Improving relations with an ex-partner is a two-way exchange. All relationships naturally have their ups and downs and understanding how to maintain balance will help you identify ways of making improvements. Committing to checking in with each other, regarding parental and Financial Issues, also creates a positive exchange in communication and problem solving. Remember to also be mindful of expressing any negative criticism, however, as this will affect all the positive efforts you are making.

Learn to Appreciate

Appreciating the care and attention your ex-partner consistently shows your child/children creates a positive impression that encourages reciprocation. This in turn improves interaction and communication and encourages the development and growth of harmonious relationships.

Being tolerant of each other, regardless of previous challenges and difficulties, also enables you both to move forward in creating a more rewarding form of communication that benefits everyone.

What Not to Do

  • As a responsible adult, it is important that you act like one whenever you are speaking to your child’s mother.
  • Threatening or intimating behaviour and communication – whether by telephone, email, or text – should not be used or tolerated.
  • Using your child/children to deliver messages or to provide you with information is also not recommended.

Making good communication a priority will ensure you pay careful attention to behaviour or questioning that may provoke a negative response. Ensuring you are attentive, supportive and willing to create positive changes will also help you maintain a positive outlook.

If All Else Fails

Couple counselling is not exclusively available to cohabiting individuals. In times of great stress, emotional difficulties and poor communication, counselling may provide you with the best solution to improving relations with an ex-partner or spouse. Using Mediation can also help couples overcome communication problems so that they are able to work together at maintaining an improved level of communication, acceptance and understanding of each other and shared circumstances.

Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

You might also like...
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
[Add a Comment]
My dream family (wife )and me split up 1 year ago for a reason that I don't fully understand ( her appaixonate,emotionaltired from work that day everythingabout me imade that date) but she has not let me see or speak to my 3 sons since then i paying the childmaintenance. I need your help my number 07398469102 and her number +44 7956 874323 Jane Munji. I live in London and she live at Liverpool Street.
Hugo boss - 29-May-23 @ 4:35 PM
As For Myself my bm expect to be more mature when she the one says hurtful and disrespectful things that will bring a man self-esteem low it was so bad that I was depressed I even gave her another chance to get herself together to be wither but it got worse … she wished death on me and got me fired from my job. Around that time , I didn’t have nobody with me I had myself and I met an old friend & she helped me back on my feet. So when my bm find out I was back with her, she told me I’ll never see my son again and threatened my friend. Every day I think How ima deal with this for the rest of my life cause I don’t wanna be depressed again and I don’t want my son to see his father go through depression.
Daedae01 - 7-Jul-21 @ 12:41 AM
I must totally agree with onlylexus This is my exact experience. My wife through solicitor totally severed all communication and has told em to make no attempt to visit the house nor contact her on grounds of possible harassement (I have not even called her, nor got anyone in the family to speak to her for fear of being accused of harassement. We have no orders against me thanks to my solicitors advice to keep away. I texted my 2 daughters saying I love them and if they wish they can speak to me and that I was not angry. This worked and I had a 30 miniute call from my daughter - I immediately cried as I had not seen my daughter for 3 weeks being told she did not wish to speak to me by the social services. I called the social worker on Monday and told him I have phone records to prove it and to ask again for contact. He was talking about further phonecalls and how he cannot ask for contact if the mum refuses - my understanding is it was the child's right if she wishes and the social worker shoudl encourage and facilitate this. Again I would love to have a good relationship with my wife and children but my wife has stopped even any possibility of this by closing all lines of communication. I appreciate she may feel emotionally fragile but this is also a very effective strategy of parental alienation. I agree women's rightis should be protected but conversely they should not be able to manipulate the system to their advantage and detriment of the relations of the father and their children. anyone else with any tips it would be greatly apreciated
another father - 1-Jun-21 @ 11:02 AM
Advise Please: WARNING.... I WAS A PIECE OF CRAP... Enter younger me, I meet with a woman after almost being trapped in a relationship with another that just had a child that was not mine and ended with her being extremely abusive towards me. Afterward, she emptied our bank accounts and left the state, forcing me to lose my apartment at the time. Staying between friends home and at times within our car, I lived with a woman for almost 2.5yrs, and ended up having a child with her. The stress of the cumulative situations pushed bother her and I to the most toxic versions of ourselves to the point that, like the last girlfriend, she ended up putting her hands on me multiple times until I did the inexcusable and retaliated. No matter what builds up to it, how it happens what occurs, it is never okay to retaliate, and I know and knew that... But at the time, something in me had broken after the situation we had found ourselves in, the goading of people I thought were "Friends", and the childish mindset of a man in his early twenties that thought he knew better... Despite me losing a part of myself, she stayed and we worked together to create a life. Our son Avari. Shortly after he was born however, it turns out the venomousness of my family would sink the final nail in our relationship. My family had continuously put themselves into issues with myself and the mother of my child, encouraged or otherwise set wedges between us psychologically. At the time, I didn't realize this, but eventually after multiple issues, things came to a head with my Aunt pretty much lying to the mother of my child telling her that a co-worker that I had hang out with had "relations" with me. THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. The girl came by to buy marijuana, she was the cousin of the homeowner I was living with, and I was trying at the time to support our family at a new workplace. I introduced the mother of my child to this woman. But... with how everything happened, and how it was my own aunt portraying this situation (She had came by to drop off my medication, noticed the woman at the house hanging on the couch smoking, asked who she was, I informed her, she left... But she tells the mother of my child that she thought I was lying and that I MUST HAVE BEEN sleeping with her... I had only met this woman earlier that week).... I was buried. It has been 6 years since she has allowed me to see my son. I have constantly attempted to message and speak with her... I'm honestly at a point, nothing else really matters to me. The thought that my child is out in the world and I have no part in it eats at me every day. I own my home now, I have my own car, I have a career... And it just lacks luster. I don't know what to do anymore. Life just feels meaningless. I worked so hard to change from that monster that would allow himself to be so stupid, but it just feels like no matter where I move, what I do, and how I try to fill my life with things to distract myself.... I can't get ou
Ajani - 20-Apr-21 @ 7:25 AM
Advice please! I have 3 kids w my ex wife and need to know if what I am doing is at least understandable. We are both currently in our own relationships and both happy! In the past I have allowed her to live w me and come and go as she pleased! My reasoning for this is bc my children adore their mother and it makes them feel better when they can see her and know that she is safe! There is no romantic feelings there whatsoever. Like I said we are both happy in our relationships. This is strictly for my kids sake and not a single other reason. My girlfriend thinks I am holding on to something regardless of my reasoning.. I have told her exactly why I do this and have not kept a single secret! Please tell me if what I am doing is understandable and if this is saying I am holding on to my relationship! Which I assure you I am not!!! Please let me know!
Jdesil - 18-Mar-20 @ 2:47 PM
HI I need some help my new partner has two children with his soon to be ex wife.. They split because she was not supportive of his son from another relationship and constantly tried to put a wedge in between his son and him. Since their split she gave him visitation about 10 minutes a day and only when she wanted him to have it. She won't agree to no visitation by text email letter etc.. Anytime he asked about seeing the kids she said TAKE ME TO COURT.. so now my partner was approached by people that had been around his children and they told him of their concerns that the children was not being cared for by the mother and that she is not even trying to watch them whilst in public. He addressed his concerns to the court and has now been given a court date.. His soon to be ex wife received the court papers went ballistic about them and then called NSPCC and now he is being accused of child abuse on a 1 year.. We are our wits end and have court soon, but with the pending investigation feel like she has put a spanner in the works.. The ex wife has a history of mental illness and lying , she has even been sectioned in the passed for this and self harming.. Any advice would be appreciated x
aj - 9-Apr-19 @ 2:39 PM
I had a very strained relationship with my father when I was younger. He did nothing wrong to me, my mother never spoke about him bad, she never spoke about him at all. When I was 5 I found out that he was my father after the relationship between my mother and the man I thought was my father ended. Upon meeting my father’s family, they did speak about my mother, very poorly. His wife/girlfriend belittled her, his mom barely knew her but talked about how she kept me away, his sisters and brothers and other children or step children all just acted like this was normal. This was supposed to be my family and my name changed to his but I never felt welcomed and his significant other often made fun of how I cried and as I got older helped him to blame my mother for rejecting them. Meanwhile, my mother often cried after interacting with him... when I was 10, after being confronted with all the bad things I told her, she explained to me how my father simply abandoned her, how he would only provide anything for me after making sure his partner’s children had what they needed, how he’d pass her in the street and humiliate her for this other woman. I went to my father’s house a few times after that up until I was 14 and decided I no longer wanted contact. Please remember this story when interacting with your child’s mother.
Jay - 23-Mar-19 @ 11:37 AM
Me and my ex broke up since we have broken up she moves very controlling with our daughter she never lets me takes her by my self its always on her terms and conditions like the other day I went to her to see my daughter then 2 hours after she tells me to leave and am on my daughters birth certificate I always buy things I bring for my daughter I have never done anything bad in my life I have no criminal record never had a drug or alcohol problem and she treats me like this I just want to spend time with my daughter by my self and my daughter is 2 but it really stressful sometimes I just want to spend a few days with her by my self but I can't because how she acting like I said I provide for my child since we broke up I stop giving her cash in hand and I just buy what my daughter needs like on father's day I should of been with my daughter but I was not she such a control freak another thing she does not like my mum because about a year ago my child got burn but we don't know we're it happen she said it happen at my house but I don't know and my mumwas not even there and she blames my mum it was me her and my sister and her boy friend but they say it happen at her house but since then her and my mum don't talk because my mumsaid she blaming her for something that she was out when it happen. anyway apart from that I still see my but she just controls when I do it's once a week. Also when she calls she talks about her self she talks about how I was nit there for her when we tigether and am not gonna lie I was not there for her enough but I never miss a week of seeing her and my daughter but the point is we are not together no more and she brings up how I was not there for but I text saying it's not about you no more its about me and my daughter but she still makes out its about her
Jay1 - 26-Aug-17 @ 3:57 PM
ADVICE PLEASE I have been living with my partner for 5 years now. His 8yr old daughter comes to stay with us once a fortnight and has extra time with us during school holidays etc. Daughter absolutely loves her dad an enjoys spending time with us. Mum is extremely vindictive and is currently accusing us of abusing daughter as we are proving a diet to child which she claims is making her ill. Mum has never had child tested for dietary problems and refuses to do so as he claims it is cruel? We have never experienced daughter being ill whilst in our care, but often do when we collect her from mothers house at the end of the week. My problem is, dad is too scared to stand up to mum and tell her straight and then takes his frustration out on me. Is there anywhere I can go for professional advice/support? Thanks in advance.
Fortheloveofcats - 9-Aug-17 @ 4:11 PM
My wife and me split up 3 weeks ago for a reason that I don't fully understand, but she has not let me see or speak to my son since then. She took out a non molestation order against me, saying that I had strangled her and hit the children ( she has 3 children from a previous marriage), none of which is true, although we did argue in front of the children sometimes. The NM order has been overturned as I gave an undertaking without predjudice to the court. She has since moved home and I don't know where she is, and she doesn't reply to my emails asking about my son, even though I have parental responsibility. She is now saying that he doesn't want to see me and his nursery is reporting that he is saying that his daddy has a gun and hits mummy. Again, not true, but as he has said this the courts have only agreed to allow me to have supported visits pending cafcass safety checks. I am so worried that when I do get to see him he will not want to know me, and even worse, will hate me. He is 4.5 years, and before the breakup me and him were inseperable. Any advice?
Dutchblue - 17-Jun-17 @ 10:52 PM
frustrated - Your Question:
Advice please.I work as a chef and my hours and days of work are determined by much custom the restaurant I work in has. Its difficult to plan regular time off and in most cases I provide little or no notice when I wish to see my children.The issue I have is that when I text or call to say I can see the, im told they are doing something or have plans for that day. My heart sinks when I know I can see them but their mother thinks what they have planned is more important than spending time with me. I have explained my situation.but she being the parent with care doesn't consider my situation and tells me I need to provide more notice if I want to see them. Im now at the stage were it hurts each time I ask and im refused and I won't ask her any more. My oldest son is 11 and I got him a phone for his 10th birthday and pay a contract each month.i try calling and texting him.letting him know im off work and that if he would like me to see him and his brother then to ask their mum when I can pick them up and drop them back off and I would come and pick them up. He tells me that "mum" says I need to go through her if I want to arrange to see them. He doesn't understand that I have tried this.and I don't wish to explain how I feel when im told that I can't see them.I understand she needs to know when and where the kids are and when I will take them and drop them off.My question is this.do I have to communicate with my ex partner of 7 years to see my kids.am I wrong in sending a text or calling them directly and arranging things via oldest son. Is their another way?

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear you are struggling to see your children. Both sides of the story can be seen here. On one hand you have irregular hours and therefore cannot make plans and on the other hand your ex cannot be expected to drop her or your children's plans to accommodate you if you call giving little or no notice. It is also reasonable for your ex to want to know what and when you are arranging to see your children as any responsible mother would. Often children will say yes and not be aware they may have something else on etc. You have a couple of options, one is to have a word with your boss and ask can your days off be specified, so that you can make plans to see your children. Surely in the restaurant industry there are quieter days such as Mondays or Tuesdays against busier ones such as the weekend. Your boss can't expect you to drop your plans either and request you come in if you have made plans. So, in the first instance I would try to get a little more continuity at work. If you can't discuss it with your ex directly, Mediation may also be a way that you could come to solution, see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 21-Jan-16 @ 1:46 PM
Advice please. I work as a chef and my hours and days of work are determined by much custom the restaurant i work in has. Its difficult to plan regular time off and in most cases i provide little or no notice when i wish to see my children. The issue i have is that when i text or call to say i can see the, im told they are doing something or have plans for that day. My heart sinks when i know i can see them but their mother thinks what they have planned is more important than spending time with me. I have explained my situation..but she being the parent with care doesn't consider my situation and tells me i need to provide more notice if i want to see them. Im now at the stage were it hurts each time i ask and im refused and i won't ask her any more. My oldest son is 11 and i got him a phone for his 10th birthday and pay a contract each month...i try calling and texting him...letting him know im off work and that if he would like me to see him and his brother then to ask their mum when i can pick them up and drop them back off and i would come and pick them up. He tells me that "mum" says i need to go through her if i want to arrange to see them. He doesn't understand that i have tried this...and i don't wish to explain how i feel when im told that i can't see them. I understand she needs to know when and where the kids are and when i will take them and drop them off. My question is this....do i have to communicate with my ex partner of 7 years to see my kids....am i wrong in sending a text or calling them directly and arranging things via oldest son. Is their another way?
frustrated - 21-Jan-16 @ 7:27 AM
What a load of feminist discharge Anna Martin - written to eschew even power from fathers to mothers no doubt ! The law forces compromise on serious committed dads yet relies upon the goodwill of a mother in return - where there is none (and it's rarely legally enforced before tragedy to the family by dissociaton of one parent - usually dad - has already occurred) - then dad is left high and dry in law - and that's it - it's that simple !! Establishing each "case" on a "case by case" scenario thereafter is simply a method of divide and rule and it enables our lawyers to get fat rich happy holidays on the back of families which they help to destroy employing terms like "reasonableness" (as if there's a measured scale for it or like it might be reciprocated in measured kind ") - basically its tosh!
DAB - 28-Apr-15 @ 2:53 AM
It is good that 99.9% of all parents communicate in some form, for the best interest of their children. Sadly this is not my situation and I would like to explain to add another perspective offering a supportive response which I hope others might offer me the same. The paternal family and I have not had any form of direct contact with our minor children (boys) for 19 months. Sadly owing to her malignant cryptic narcissism the mother is unable under any conditions wanting communication. I have attempted mediation 7 times; twice through compassionate letters to her, twice through letters to her solicitor, once through attempting to speak with her at Court in which she retorted, " I have nothing to say to you", after one year of total non communication apart from the Court Process and twice officially through a mediation company. So please do not rant about being at loss at not seeing your kids for a few hours less than on the CO! Unless they have been taken abroad or have died consider others who were their primary carer (24/7) whose natural and loving rights have been totally curtailed only by lies, perjury and collusion with the Local Authority who have outrageously perverted the course of justice (and even judges get 16 months in the Cooley for this now). I was the children's primary carer, like a few of you are for all their lives; since Oct 2012, I and all in the paternal family especially their sister - a mother figure to them also - have not seen the boys due to the alienation process; have had to endure non molestation orders - groundless (she was afraid of a Finding of Fact); consent agreements thwarted by further alienation-psychological rape of the boys; breaking of Court Orders; and all because this woman came from abroad (yes one of these new EU countries), abducted the boys, evicted me from my home of thirty years and defamed the paternal family all for being caring professionals in their working and family lives....short enough synopsis. Trusting the Family Court (in this situation I cannot in the balance of probabilities say the same as others) to ensure the best interests when they are being abused to this level is a joke until now. I believe and have been told this by other women, let alone men how have I kept so calm? When you are in the right you know you are doing what is in the best interest then you do stay calm! Most would have done certain things to a person who DOES NOT care for our children but is solely using them as a hatred weapon of hostility due to the breakdown of our marriage; thinking that when she came from this Baltic Nation she would be living solely the "Life of Riley". When she found not she then had to revise her remit for a relationship....this was her modus operandi. (Previous boyfriend in her Baltic Nation was a local currency millionaire)...Her education and understanding of education in England and Wales and a the fact that sadly it is 100 years advanced than her previous country and he
Seebif - 4-May-14 @ 11:35 AM
My son had he's first contact at a contact centre he has not seen his daughter for 2years he had to travel from london to hull for a 2 hour visit that lasted for 55 mins.when his daughter came into a comunal room she did not know him so he went over to her and said hello iam your dad. She said your not my dad my dads at home she was upset. My son said her mother had not prepared her for this visit. Yet the court had told her to prepare his daughter for the visit shehad 2 months to do this. We just don't know what to do as she will not go in with the child to help the situtation this is mental cruelty to his daughter.
greenbean - 20-Apr-14 @ 3:22 PM
My son's ex since moving her controlling boyfriend in , will not reply to any phone calls or texts to her, She has let the boyfriend control the phone calls he has with his children, so it was an opening when he went to collect his girls that his ex spoke to him he asked her to let him see his eldest child that he has not seen for months now and she said give it time just leave her alone. He said you know me I love my children so much, at which point the boyfriend interrupted and came out and started to be abusive to my son calling him names etc. My son didn't call the police thinking he didn't want more trouble when he went to pick up his children. But later he did and reported the abusive, it then turned out the ex and boyfriend called the police and they came to check on the welfare of the children ( he has been separated from his ex for 4 years and has picked up the children whenever she didn't want them around) so however you think there might be a link to your ex to get on, DO NOT TRUST THEM.All he wants is to see his children not spend money in the courts but what else can you do?? He feels he has lost his eldest daughter for no reason and I have lost my eldest granddaughter, which is heartbreaking, but there does not seem to be any help and children need their father and family in their lives it is so important for them to grow up in a healthy and loving extended family.
edda - 20-Mar-14 @ 1:33 PM
My son 's ex will not talk to him about anything since she moved a man into the house, he seems to be in total charge of my grandchildren , blocking gifts phone calls etc etc. The eldest 10 year stopped wanting to see her dad and me and since he separated from the mother 4 years ago ( they use to talk all the time ) she just says oh give my daughter timeto see you, but she has been told by the court to encourage my son to see his daughter. This also was bad he takes the 2 younger ones to school and they love it, but he received a letter from the school saying he should drop them off at home as it makes the elder girl anxious, luckily he has a good solicitor that informed him he has the right to go to the school , the school is clearly in the wrong that it can go on the word of a mother that wants my son to go away and crawl under a rock and the boyfriend that cannot keep his nose out of things that do not concern him. A mother and a Father need contact (she will not) for the sake of the children) not any other person has the right to interfere . My heartbreak is there everyday for my son and myself not having any contact with the elder girl, the questions we ask ourselves over and over again ..what happened..brainwashingI am afraid that is what has happened. Read the child aleinanation syndrome and see if you can tick off the things it lists that are happening to you. You will be shocked that you will tick off loads of the remarks and it frightens the life out of you, that in this day and age this is happening to fathers all over and there seems to be no help in the law to recognise this is going on.
edda - 16-Mar-14 @ 10:54 AM
I am now 5 weeks on from seeing my two little boys (5 years old). On our wedding anniversary my wife created a row and persevered for hours even attacking me which led to me pushing her off me. She then went to her mothers for 2 weeks with the children. In the meantime the police arrested me for some serious allegations she had made and now I am on bail removed from the house with no contact allowed and having to live at my parents meaning a 4 hour commute to work each day. I have already spent a number of thousand on solicitors fees yet little progress has been made 2 minute phone calls so far with the children. The only contact she has agreed to is in a contact centre but these places have long watiing lists. My biggest concern is the children who have effectively lost their father and grandparents overnight. I am still struggling to understand whether it is pure evil or mental health issues but from looking at this site it seems to be pretty common. My solicitor seems to be keen to want to take this to court for contact yet there does not seem to be many good words said about the courts from a fathers perspective Any help would be appreciated
stillinshock - 16-Oct-12 @ 4:49 PM
I am now 5 weeks on from seeing my two little boys (5 years old). On our wedding anniversary my wife created a row and persevered for hours even attacking me which led to me pushing her off me. She then went to her mothers for 2 weeks with the children. In the meantime the police arrested me for some serious allegations she had made and now I am on bail removed from the house with no contact allowed and having to live at my parents meaning a 4 hour commute to work each day. I have already spent a number of thousand on solicitors fees yet little progress has been made 2 minute phone calls so far with the children. The only contact she has agreed to is in a contact centre but these places have long watiing lists. My biggest concern is the children who have effectively lost their father and grandparents overnight. I am still struggling to understand whether it is pure evil or mental health issues but from looking at this site it seems to be pretty common. My solicitor seems to be keen to want to take this to court for contact yet there does not seem to be many good words said about the courts from a fathers perspective Any help would be appreciated
stillinshock - 16-Oct-12 @ 4:41 PM
So upshot is I have to fund seeing a physciatrist to prove I'm mentally capable of having my children on an overnight basis!! She lied in a statement saying I had threatened her was abusive to her in front of the children and that is taken on face value!!! A letter from my GP was ignored!! I have to prove now also what contact I've had as she has said I've not seen them much.Well at times she stopped me from seeing them for weeks at a time. I may well have been a crap husband BUT I've always been a fully hands on dad and I've financially supported them for the 3years since I've gone. Feeling a bit pissed off tbh. My advice is say nothing,text nothing or email nothing that can be used as evidence against you.If your asked how you are don't say your feeling low or down just say you're fine!! Don't wait hoping she will become reasonable-they don't!!!!!!! Don't be over generous hoping that will make a difference-it doesn't!! Do everything through a solicitor even the most trivial of things so there is a legal paper trail. Do not expect a fathers word to count for anything-it won't. Keep records of everything that is said and done. Finally I suppose you should just work as hard as possible to stay together and avoid all this vile behaviour and being in the circus they call "the family courts"!
Jez - 29-Aug-12 @ 6:51 PM
Am sat in side room at court. Cafcass after a 7 minute telephone conversation and reading allegations from my ex wife have declared they have no role in the case. I suffer from anxiety and mild depression but am painted as a risk to my children.Her word is taken as truth whereas I have to defend my right to parent. So now I have to pay £1000 to see a shrink for an assessment and in meantime see my children for 29 hours per month,during which I can only assume I'm not a risk. I want 8 overnights a month with my children.I work,don't do drugs,have no criminal record and have financially supported her and my children for the three years since we seperated. Quite honestly I feel this is a system stacked against a father but in favour of any mother claiming "to have her children's best interests at heart".
Jez - 29-Aug-12 @ 10:25 AM
I am at a loss to understand how some mothers can be so cruel to their children. My partner and I have watched his ex-wife use his kids as tools against him. When he lost his job through redundancy as the company shut down, she told his son he is useless and didn't want to pay for him. After their divorce he raised the money to buy them a house by mortgage, he has to work so hard and is left with nothing. Recently he took qualifications and got himself a better job but for one month he can't afford to pay her even though she herself has no outgoings and a job. She has made her son question him about payments and told her son he is not paying child maintenance. This is totally untrue as for one monthy he didn't earn enough to pay it let alone keep himself. This woman is ruining the life of a boy who is about to start senior school and denying his daughter from speaking to her father over the phone. Why doesn't she get on with her life and be happy that she is housed and that he does everything he possibly can. She has moved them away to an area which is 7 hour drive just to get to see them.
tumbles - 28-Aug-12 @ 6:41 PM
Hi Fastslippers..... I hope your situation has improved... our situation with my partners ex will never improve.... she has stopped harassing us directly, she now uses the kids to manipulate situations ALL the time and we just have to deal with it....... You cannot have an amicable relationship with a monster and that's exactly what my partners ex is.... a lying, twisted, greedy monster who has damaged her own children to upset her ex..... some mothers should be imprisoned!!
tired of trying - 27-Aug-12 @ 4:55 PM
I can fully understand why your partner is thinking of giving up contact with his children. The frustration and time it takes to get contact can make some people think "whats the point".I last posted in March and my situation is still the same if not worse.Four hours contact with my son on a Saturday, only when his mother see's fit or it suits her.She takes him away on camping trips at the drop of a hat and I only get to know where he is when I manage to contact him by phone.There are a lot more things I could ramble on about that have taken place.I have lost my house my marriage but one thing is for sure I will not lose contact with my son, what ever it takes I will carry on being in his life even though his mother has this strangle hold on him.It can be upsetting,frustrating and mentally exhausting trying to keep focused.Giving your partner the support you do will help him without doubt, tell him not to give up think of the future when his children are grown up that's what keeps me going.You cannot control a human being all there life and they will realise as they get older who really loves them.
fastslippers - 22-Jun-12 @ 12:25 PM
@ em I completely agree with you.... we are brought up to believe that nothing beats a mothers bond with their child and maternal instincts come before anything else ..... ppfft!!for some 'mothers' MONEY comes before everything else... Like you, my partners ex has accused him of all sorts to get more money and/or to try to turn his kids against him.... he has tried everything to make things ok and he is now at the point where he is thinking of losing contact all together with the kids as his daughter is a walking wreck... she loves her father but knows it upsets her mum when she mentions him.... the only time the mother has had communication with my partner is when its about money... never about the kids... NRP's never seem to be treated fairly or get a break...
Tired of trying - 18-Jun-12 @ 2:13 PM
I have watched my partner of 5 years go through 5 years of pure hell, how he's not had a heart attack I don't know. He has 3 boys from two different relationships. Hes eledst 2 are 13 and 11. The relationship with there mother is great and the 13 yr old lives with us fulltime and 11 year old half the time. The youngest is 5 and from a different mother. They split when he was 2months, she left him. Ever since he has been to court at least 12 times. He followed every rule going, as he was so young started in a contact centre, then he had to fight for more, he got an extra hour away from there tec. This has gone on and on, We have had the police involved as we have been accused of horrendus things and social services as she has accused the older children of horrid things aswell. Always investigated and closed. He has gone through mediation, cafcas, health visitors, schools etc etc. Now hes at the point where he has him 2 nights every other weekend and 6 hours over 2 week days. We thoght it was finished but now she has made more accusatioons and wants it to go back to court for it all to stop again. As a woman myself I do realise how amazing mothers are to do what they do but some women are just pure pure evil. There is no other word for it and the trouble is court etc still favour the mother because they are the mother, whether they are telling there child there farther is no good you shouldn't see him etc. Unless the mother is a drug addict etc then farthers seem to have no hope.
em - 8-Jun-12 @ 6:42 PM
I'm expecting my first child this July and unfortunately split up with the father. We look a massive gamble when we decided to continue with the unplanned pregnancy after only dating for 7months. We both knew it would be tough, but a "relapse" at three months pregnant meant that I suffered with horrendous antenatal depression which has taken a lot of professional medical intervention to get it to a manageable level. Sadly my depression was all too much for my ex an he decided a long time ago enough was enough and the relationship wasn't for him.  Looking ahead, we're both going into parenthood separeated and it's proving difficult to be amicable now before she is even born! I want to be able to talk to him civily but it is proving impossible. I also can't figure out how, logistically, shared custody of our daughter will be possible.  I know of many parents who have separated and made sleeping/living/childcare arrangements etc when the child is a toddler or a little older, meaning that the father had plenty of quality bonding time while the parents where still togeter and the child/children where younger. I'm hoping he will still be at the birth and that it will still be just as special for him as it would have been if we were together but I havent got a clue how to keep him involved after she's born and still breastfeeding! He expects to have her half the week from the moment she's born but I don't see that being viable. I've offered the spare room to him for his paternity leave so he can spend more time with his daughter in those precious first weeks.... He turned down the offer and in his words said he didn't want to "pretend or play my stupid games", which is quite far from what I was trying to achieve. I'm starting to dispair with him, I can't get him to talk about how we'll share custody for the first few weeks/months. I really want to talk to him before the baby is born but I cannot get him to see why. When I do phone him or arrange to meet him so we can go to midwife appointments, antenatal classes etc together it always turns to allergations & name calling. He's someone who would normally be rational and have a reasonably relaxed/calm when dealing with stressful or difficult situations, but that person has completely vanished. I'm hoping he will calm down and not be so nasty, perhaps his agenda will change when he sees his daughter? But I have no idea how to approach him now or when the baby is born.... He's said he wants full custody and that he doesn't think I can be a good mother: that I won't have the means to support her financially and because I have suffered with depression that I am a risk to the child. It's completely unreasonable and what he says is very hurtful. For example, He's convinced that I will "beat our child" because I cannot deal with stress. His argument to support this was that I was not able to handle exam stress during University while he can hold two full time jobs without getting
Gwyneira Lily - 5-Jun-12 @ 12:32 AM
Having recently seperated from my wife of almost ten years I have discovered a totally different person from the one I thought I loved and cared for.The hatred against me is to difficult to fathom. My wife had me answer to alegations of domestic violence reported me to the police the night I was asked to leave (which I did) but had never contacted the police in the ten years we had been married.This I realised was a wall of protection against her infadelity which came to light 4 days after I left.She needed me out of the way and short of crying rape ,she and her friend conspired with each other it was her friend who contacted the police initially. And now since I have gone she will not acknowledge me, or speak to me on the phone it's as though I dont exist.Her only way of contact is by text. I am told when I can have my 6 year old son and for four hours.If I question this she informs me she has reported me to the police for harassment I am sure there are other fathers going through far worse than me but all I would say to anybody reading this , recently or about to seperate. Prepare to meet a person you thought you knew inside and out but you have in fact never met in your life
fastslippers - 28-Mar-12 @ 11:11 PM
I really feel for the previous 2 authors. i am a woman with no children of my own but have witnessed my partner of 3 years go through hell and back just for access to his 3 children from a previous relationship. I am completely ashamed but not surprised at the behaviour of some of these mothers. they make it difficult if not impossible, for a father to maintain a healthy relaionship with their kids. WE know why they are behaving the way they do but alas the children dont and inevitably its them who are likely to be the most adversely effected by their tactics and antics to make it difficult for the father to see or contact the kids.I am also alarmed at the increasing amounts of fathers stepping forward to share their stories of retaliation and awkward unreasonable behaviour by the ex (mother). You cannot reason with them. We also started recording phone calls as no-one believed my partner when he explained how irrational she was or how difficult it was to sort out something that should have been quite straight forward, they were more willing to believe it had something to do with the way he was speaking to her! (personally i think its their own insecurities about their child loving dad more than them...as if that would actually happen but that is my own opnion, also there's that level of controlling someone, even emotionally, that has left you or you kicked out). Theres a level of hypocrisy, that is literally unbelievable, at work with these unreasonable women. Its all very well explaining to the fathers that they must listen and bite their tongues but does anybody think that maybe, just maybe it is the angry mother that also needs to be told this advice? My partner ALWAYSstayed calm,, ALWAYSbit his tongue and still does to this day, she is manipulative and controlling and always uses the children to her advantage. I like to believe if i ever have children i will never behave in this manner. The kids were so confused and emotional for such a long tima and just as it all calms down she now has announced a desire to move away. Go figure! I have alot of repsect for all the fathers out there who have been to hell or are still there just for the chance to see or speak or have any contact with their kids. Good on you!
savvyrose - 30-Jan-12 @ 1:37 PM
I agree with the comment made by Onylexus - while I cannot comment on his situation I can relate to his concerns about this article with my experiences - Fortunately for me I was made aware by my solicitor of the kind of insanely destructive tactics (to the children) mothers will use to deny fathers access to their children in an attempt to be able to continue to exert power over their ex/estranged partners very early on – Unfortunately for me and my child it was probably the only really proactive advice/action my lawyer actually did for me – Mine is a very long and sad story and I will tell it someday soon (I am thinking of writing a book !) but to get to the point I am trying to make : – When my now ex wife decided she wanted me out of the house (I still believe unjustifiably and UK and US courts have since backed me on this although it has taken 5 years of acrimonious litigation and all but destroyed me losing everything I had except thankfully at long last access to our daughter) My ex and her lawyer used the tactic that I was ‘abusive’ and ‘aggressive’ – I was able to remove the effect of this lever by carrying a Dictaphone in my pocket when ever I was in contact with my ex wife – I have thousands of hours of recordings and was able to use them to show that I was not the abusive husband or father she and her lawyer were trying to make me out to be – Thankfully after 5 years it seems I may have prevailed and through it all have been able to maintain a loving and precious relationship with my daughter – This would not have been possible if I had just tried to use reason and pleasantness with my ex wife as suggested by the writer of this article –I have come to despise and detest all lawyers and the family law systems that instantly label fathers as ‘dead beat dads’ regardless of who the guilty party actually is – If I have learned one thing though through all of this it is : MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LEAGALLY BINDING AGREEMENT that clearly outlines each of the father’s and mother’s financial responsibilities to the children as well as clearly defined contact/access agreements that are legally binding on both parties – Don’t stop fighting until you have this in your hand no matter who you have to go up against including lawyers members of parliament policemen judges (sheriffs) – You have to maintain the moral high ground you cannot be rude but you must always be firmly insistent on doing what is best for your child(ren) – If you have been guilty of non payment of child support or abuse in any form you are on your own ! - This process is an extremely intimidating and daunting experience but I am living proof (outside of jail!) that obstinate perseverance will pay off for your child(ren) in the end but you have to be prepared to sacrifice everything and absolutely not compromise – I wish I had had someone to guide me when I was going through it as I did make several mistakes that probably lengthened the 5 years I spent going through Hell and mad
skyscooter - 6-Jan-12 @ 6:03 PM
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice...
(never shown)
(never shown)
(never shown)
(never shown)
Enter word:
Latest Comments