Checklist: 10 Rules of Negotiating With Your Ex Partner

Negotiating with your ex-partner is never going to be the most pleasant experience. There is a lot of history there, full of simmering resentment and unsaid feelings. However, you have a child together so you are going to have to find a way of making decisions together.

Follow this 10 point checklist to try to make the conversation run smoothly:

1. Stay Calm

Yes, it’s easier said than done. Getting angry is not going to get you anywhere though, and she will hold it against it in the future. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and leave the room if you have to, but never let your anger get the better of you.

2. Listen

Really listening to what your ex has to say and not just what you think she is saying or what you want to hear, can make a huge difference. Concentrate on her opinion and take it in so that you can respond in a well thought out way.

3. Don’t Bring up Old Grudges

There will be all sorts of old arguments that you may be tempted to bring up but really, what’s it going to achieve? Stick to sorting out the matter in hand and don’t let past events colour your judgement.

4. Never Make Accusations

The minute you start making accusations she is going to get defensive and probably make some accusations of her own. This just turns it into a fight of ‘who’s the best parent’ when you should be concentrating on your child instead.

5. Leave Other People Out

Whether it is their partner, your ex-mother-in-law or her boozy friend, remember, it’s not about them, it’s about you, her and your child. Other people are not important and bringing them into the matter will only complicate it further.

6. Tame Your Language

Turning the conversation into a slanging match may make you feel better but it won’t help you communicate with each other or set a good example for the child that you are trying to raise.

7. Know What You Want

Instead of just wanting to win, think about exactly what it is you want to achieve. By having a clear goal, you can keep the negotiation on track and not be tempted to raise other issues.

8. Make a Case

Once you know what you want, start thinking up a strategic argument. Work out your reasons for and against, what she may say, and how you are going to put across your case clearly and convincingly.

9. Compromise

Unfortunately, we can’t always have things the way we want and you are going to have to learn to compromise. By both giving a little, you can try to reach an agreement that you are both happy with.

10. Put Your Child First

Of course, you should already know this but it is easy to lose sight of when you are stuck in an argument with your ex. Your ultimate goal is not to do what is best for you, or her but what is best for your child.

By following these 10 points you should be able to work out a way to negotiate with your ex. It’s not always going to go the way you want it but continued work and commitment will make the process easier for all of you.