Negotiating with your ex-partner is never going to be the most pleasant experience. There is a lot of history there, full of simmering resentment and unsaid feelings. However, you have a child together so you are going to have to find a way of making decisions together.
If face to face conversations become too heated, consider putting your points in writing using our free Letter Builder.
Follow this 10 point checklist to try to make the conversation run smoothly:
1. Stay Calm
Yes, it’s easier said than done. Getting angry is not going to get you anywhere though, and she will hold it against it in the future. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and leave the room if you have to, but never let your anger get the better of you.
2. Listen
Really listening to what your ex has to say and not just what you think she is saying or what you want to hear, can make a huge difference. Concentrate on her opinion and take it in so that you can respond in a well thought out way.
3. Don’t Bring up Old Grudges
There will be all sorts of old arguments that you may be tempted to bring up but really, what’s it going to achieve? Stick to sorting out the matter in hand and don’t let past events colour your judgement.
4. Never Make Accusations
The minute you start making accusations she is going to get defensive and probably make some accusations of her own. This just turns it into a fight of ‘who’s the best parent’ when you should be concentrating on your child instead.
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Whether it is their partner, your ex-mother-in-law or her boozy friend, remember, it’s not about them, it’s about you, her and your child. Other people are not important and bringing them into the matter will only complicate it further.
6. Tame Your Language
Turning the conversation into a slanging match may make you feel better but it won’t help you communicate with each other or set a good example for the child that you are trying to raise.
7. Know What You Want
Instead of just wanting to win, think about exactly what it is you want to achieve. By having a clear goal, you can keep the negotiation on track and not be tempted to raise other issues.
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8. Make a Case
Once you know what you want, start thinking up a strategic argument. Work out your reasons for and against, what she may say, and how you are going to put across your case clearly and convincingly.
9. Compromise
Unfortunately, we can’t always have things the way we want and you are going to have to learn to compromise. By both giving a little, you can try to reach an agreement that you are both happy with.
10. Put Your Child First
Of course, you should already know this but it is easy to lose sight of when you are stuck in an argument with your ex. Your ultimate goal is not to do what is best for you, or her but what is best for your child.
By following these 10 points you should be able to work out a way to negotiate with your ex. It’s not always going to go the way you want it but continued work and commitment will make the process easier for all of you.
One day our children will ask questions... why we made the choice we did.....why we gave up the fight...or why we carried on through gritted teeth and do our best to smile....they may be too young to understand....but they won't be young forever and they will ask questions one day.
I am new to all of this and feel compelled to write on this page after hearing everyone's little bits about there situations.
First of all never give up.no matter how hard they want to make it for us,at the end of the day one smile from your kid once you get them back will make it all worth it.
I have probably had to deal with all of the above situations and more (and still don't have access to my kids but the most important thing that keeps me going is we have helped make these kids and we all are worth more than what our ex's think our kids deserve a loving father and none of the mind games.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
I just felt compelled to write it.
Any way never give up we will WIN in the end and by that I don't mean win against our ex I mean win by helping our kids grow up having a happy and two parent filled life.
Peace out.
She being an alcoholic, which I had helped to hide, foolishly.
Also Judge said that kids were too young to testify in court against their mum. So I was/am in a no win situation.
Now she does not allow me to see or visit the children and called the police when I tried to deliver a birthday card, in person to my daughter, on her birthday.
Life sucks, then you die.
My only hope is that they might try to contact me when they are a bit older?
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