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When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 26 Apr 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Contact Court Final Hearing Directions

If your ex-partner says she’s not going to let you have any contact with your children, it can be one of the most distressing things that can happen to you. There may be a number of reasons behind her decision but somehow they’re irrelevant; you simply want to be able to spend time with your kids. So what can you do to change the situation?

Why It Happens

There are several reasons why your ex might deny you access to your children.
  • It could be a bargaining chip for Divorce or legal proceedings yet to come
  • It might be revenge for the break-up of the relationship
  • In some instances, it’s even been used as a way to conceal a new relationship

Denial of contact, as it’s called legally, doesn’t necessarily happen immediately after your relationship ends. It can occur at any time until the child is of age.

What to Do About It

Your first step should be to send a registered letter to your ex-partner in which you ask her to reinstate contact between you and your children. You should state that if she does not do so and will not consider mediation in order to try and resolve the issue, then you’ll have to resort to legal action. Don't forget to take a copy of the letter for your records and keep your proof of sending.

If this produces no action, you have no alternative but to go to court and ask for an Interim Contact Order. In order to obtain a contact order you will need to submit the correct form to the court, find out which form you need Here.

What Does the Interim Contact Order Do?

The interim contact order allows you to have contact with your children until a full court hearing resolves the matter one way or another. If your ex shows no opposition to interim contact, it can be resolved without a court appearance. However, at this stage that’s not likely to be the case.

What Kind of Contact Can you Expect in the Interim?

What you and your solicitor will have to do is remind the court at a “directions hearing” of the length of time before the full hearing will occur. This can often be six months or longer, which can be detrimental to your relationship with your child. In most instances, the court will allow some limited contact between you and your children in the interim, although it’s unlikely to be “staying contact” (allowing the children to stay overnight with you) if the mother objects. She might also demand supervised contact, and the court will generally accede. This all seems heavily weighted towards the mother, even though you might have done nothing wrong. However, it’s a case of the court opting to be cautious.

The Directions Hearing

Prior to the hearing you should inform both the opposing solicitor and the court itself that your side will ask for interim contact and be asking for oral evidence. This will avoid any adjournment. If you’ve had previous contact with your child before you were denied access, especially “staying contact”, you should provide evidence of this to the court, as it will bolster your argument.

The Final Hearing

One of the most important factors preceding the final hearing is the report by the Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer. He or she will interview you and your former partner, your children, if they’re old enough, as well as carers and teachers etc. Generally, the court will accept the report’s recommendations regarding custody and contact. If you disagree with the report, either in part or completely, you can ask for more information, or for another report by a different officer.

If You’re Still Denied Access

If your former partner denies you contact in defiance of an order laid down by the court, you can take her to court to demand access. However, before taking this step, think carefully, as it will not only make relations between the two of you worse, but could possibly end up with her fined or in jail, which will have an adverse affect on the children. If at all possible, you should Attempt Mediation first.

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Check out the Separated Dads Forum... It's a great resource where you can ask for advice on topics including Child Access, Maintenance, CAFCASS, Fathers Rights, Court, Behaviour or simply to have a chat with other dads.

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[Add a Comment]
Polly - Your Question:
Advice please? My ex and I have a 50/50 shared access arrangement for our daughter however residency is with him so he can claim benefits and get a house - up until now things have worked well but as he is very controlling and I was in an abusive relationship with him for 5 years, he is now using our daughter as a pawn in any disagreements we have for example he wants to take her out of school to go on holiday but I don't agree with that and because I've refused permission he is now threatening to stop my access - my question is if he informs her school that I am not to have access, do they have any right to enforce this without a court order stopping me from having the access or can they just act on his word as the resident parent? I am taking him to court separately to get residency back as I don't believe he's a fit example, I would also like the 50/50 split reviewing but I do appreciate it's important for our daughter to have a good relationship with him and I don't want to go down that route but the more aggressive and controlling he is, the more I think it would be in her best interests - any advice greatly appreciated

Our Response:
If he attempts to stop access, the school may or may not act upon his request. However, if your application has been accepted by the courts, then this is the only way to deal with these issues such as ignoring your PR rights.
SeparatedDads - 24-Apr-17 @ 11:59 AM
Advice please?My ex and I have a 50/50 shared access arrangement for our daughter however residency is with him so he can claim benefits and get a house - up until now things have worked well but as he is very controlling and I was in an abusive relationship with him for 5 years, he is now using our daughter as a pawn in any disagreements we have for example he wants to take her out of school to go on holiday but I don't agree with that and because I've refused permission he is now threatening to stop my access - my question is if he informs her school that I am not to have access, do they have any right to enforce this without a court order stopping me from having the access or can they just act on his word as the resident parent?I am taking him to court separately to get residency back as I don't believe he's a fit example, I would also like the 50/50 split reviewing but I do appreciate it's important for our daughter to have a good relationship with him and I don't want to go down that route but the more aggressive and controlling he is, the more i think it would be in her best interests - any advice greatly appreciated
Polly - 23-Apr-17 @ 5:41 PM
Alicia - Your Question:
My son as been stopped from seeing his son. Because she as a new boyfriend. How does he get to see him

Our Response:
If your son's ex continues to refuse him access, then would have to follow the advice given in the article. Sometimes a solicitor's letter outlining his rights and warning that he will take the matter further might do the trick.
SeparatedDads - 21-Apr-17 @ 2:50 PM
My son as been stopped from seeing his son. Because she as a new boyfriend. How does he get to see him
Alicia - 21-Apr-17 @ 1:18 PM
I wish it wasn't so hard to see my little girl proper killing me
Day - 21-Apr-17 @ 7:26 AM
Griff - Your Question:
My partner had a Cour order to see his children amd bow she has stopped all contact for the past 2 weeks, we are currently in a position where we carnt afford court fees can tou offer any support please.

Our Response:
Please see link: Breach of Contact or Residence Order: What to Do, here. If your partner can afford to ask a solicitor to write a letter outlining the terms of the court order and the repercussions if his ex doesn't adhere to it, then this might do the trick. However, if the matter has to go back to court, your partner can self-litigate, please see link here. If your partner is on a low income, he may be able to get a reduction in court fees, please see link here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 11-Apr-17 @ 1:43 PM
Jack97 - Your Question:
Hi me and my ex wife have split up over a few month ago and we have a 2 year old son together everything was fine I was seeing him 3 days a week no problem now she has a new partner he sees my son, I'm now fine with that but now she's reduced my access to once a week because I'm with someone else and she doesn't want my son seeing my partner, I want to see my son more weather I'm with someone or not Iv had to accept her new partner is seeing my son, what can I do ?

Our Response:
Your only option will be to suggest mediation or if she refuses, as the article specifies, take the matter to court. Unless your ex can come up with a very good reason why your partner shouldn't be allowed access to your child and if you have had full access to date, it's likely this would be reinstated throught the courts. Hopefully, it won't get this far, sometimes a solicitor's letter outlining your rights and your intentions if access isn't reinstated might do the trick to help get access back on track.
SeparatedDads - 11-Apr-17 @ 12:41 PM
My partner has started legal routes after being denied access for a year. The ex is a very bad liar and her one goal is to ensure that he doesn't see her...I was wondering what type of evidence would be needed to cause a judge to decline access? - we feel she may claim abuse/neglect/danger even though his record is completely clean and "evidence" would be her accounts of incidents and "police reports" which nothing came of. Thanks, Tiffany. Are the court likely to decline based on things which can be a lie?
Tiffany1292 - 10-Apr-17 @ 11:05 PM
My partner had a Cour order to see his children amd bow she has stopped all contact for the past 2 weeks, we are currently in a position where we carnt afford court fees can tou offer any support please.
Griff - 10-Apr-17 @ 7:00 PM
Hi me and my ex wife have split up over a few month ago and we have a 2 year old son together everything was fine I was seeing him 3 days a week no problem now she has a new partner he sees my son, I'm now fine with that but now she's reduced my access to once a week because I'm with someone else and she doesn't want my son seeing my partner, I want to see my son more weather I'm with someone or not Iv had to accept her new partner is seeing my son, what can I do ?
Jack97 - 10-Apr-17 @ 2:57 PM
Mlee - Your Question:
Hi , im 16 years old and I have a 5 month old baby , and although im young I still love my son , me and my partner split up and she is now telling me that I cannot see him , I have been there for them through the pregnancy up untill now and my name is on the birth certificate, I was wondering if I can do anything to see him on a scheduled time , or does the mother have all the power and can do whatever she wants

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. I have asked our Separated Dads group on our Facebook site for their advice, please refer to the page here. Please note that in cases like this legal advice is always helpful and should be sought where needed. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 10-Apr-17 @ 12:41 PM
Hi , im 16 years old and i have a 5 month old baby , and although im young i still love my son , me and my partner split up and she is now telling me that i cannot see him , i have been there for them through the pregnancy up untill now and my name is on the birth certificate, i was wondering if i can do anything to see him on a scheduled time , or does the mother have all the power and can do whatever she wants
Mlee - 9-Apr-17 @ 6:50 PM
Helpneeded - Your Question:
Hi, I have been separated from my ex partner for 2 years now and access has never been a problem. A year ago access was amended due to my ex starting a new job. I picked my 2 children up after work on a Monday and a Thursday, they stayed overnight and I took them home the following morning. They also sleep over on a Friday every other week and I have them until Saturday night and on the alternative weeks I pick them up on a Saturday morning and they stay with me until the Sunday lunchtime. recently my ex partner moved in with her new partner and over the last couple of weeks my ex has stopped me having the children on a Monday and Thursday reducing my contact to a little over 1 day per week. I have asked to have my children tonight for 1 hour to take them park and she has refused. She hasn't gave me any concrete reasons for this change, using several excuses such as. they misbehave when they come back from yours, you don't put them to bed on time, I want a different routine for them, I want to see them more. the list goes on. my opinion is she has done it to increase my maintenance payments and to phase me out as I know her new partner absolutely adores my children. what are my rights and what can I do to increase contact again? thanks

Our Response:
In the first instance, if your ex refuses to reinstate access, mediation should be suggested to your ex in order to try to resolve the issue out of court - please see link here. If your ex refuses to reinstate access, or to attend mediation, or the mediation process breaks down, then your next option is to apply to court for a contact order. If you have been having regular access to your children and your ex has stopped access for no justifiable reason, then it is likely access will be reinstated as before. If a court order is put in place for access, then your ex will have to adhere to this, as will you. If your ex refuses to reinstate access on your next request, a solicitor's letter outlining your rights and the action you will take may also be an option for you to consider. It is advisable to put any action in motion sooner rather than later and not let it drift.
SeparatedDads - 5-Apr-17 @ 11:42 AM
Hi, I have been separated from my ex partner for 2 years now and access has never been a problem. A year ago access was amended due to my ex starting a new job. I picked my 2 children up after work on a Monday and a Thursday, they stayed overnight and I took them home the following morning. They also sleep over on a Friday every other week and I have them until Saturday night and on the alternative weeks I pick them up on a Saturday morning and they stay with me until the Sunday lunchtime. recently my ex partner moved in with her new partner and over the last couple of weeks my ex has stopped me having the children on a Monday and Thursday reducing my contact to a little over 1 day per week. I have asked to have my children tonight for 1 hour to take them park and she has refused. She hasn't gave me any concrete reasons for this change, using several excuses such as... they misbehave when they come back from yours, you don't put them to bed on time, I want a different routine for them, I want to see them more... the list goes on. my opinion is she has done it to increase my maintenance payments and to phase me out as I know her new partner absolutely adores my children. what are my rights and what can I do to increase contact again? thanks
Helpneeded - 4-Apr-17 @ 11:56 AM
Ant88 - Your Question:
Hi, my ex never let's me see my two children more than a few hours once a week. Ive asked for more time with them and she has refused. I've told her I'm not giving her any money towards maintenance as I'm going to use it to go to court (if I don't do this I can't afford it). I've paid every week since I left, and she's straight away said she's going to csa. The way I see it is me paying for court is for my children. Is what I'm doing allowed?? Any help would be great, as I have no idea.

Our Response:
If you currently have a family-based arrangement and you default then you would not be liable to pay arrears. However, if your ex has applied to Child Maintenance Services, then whatever assessment is carried out regarding how much you should pay, if you default on this you will be liable for arrears regardless of your justification/reasoning. Child maintenance and child access have no bearing upon each other, meaning you are by law responsible for paying child maintenance in order to support your children regardless of whether you see them or not. In cases where access is refused, then it is up to the court to decide this matter based upon what it thinks is in the best interests of your children. If you cannot afford to pay legal fees to take the matter to court, you can self litigate, please see link here .
SeparatedDads - 3-Apr-17 @ 3:12 PM
Fatty - Your Question:
After splitting up with my ex partner (no married ) who went back to her ex and denied me access when my son is born I went threw court for access after she refused to let me see him for no reason I supposedly got parental rights n got access.5 yrs down the line the she got married to her ex n now stopped contact my son has her husbands last name and I don't think I'm on birth certificate as she refuses to tell me she's happy to take my csa payments but refuse access what rights do I have and anyway to get contact without courts as I can't afford it?

Our Response:
Regardless of whether your ex has re-married, if you have a court order in place, then your ex is in breach if she goes against the terms of the order, please see link here. This means you can take the matter to back to court to have the order enforced.
SeparatedDads - 3-Apr-17 @ 2:02 PM
Hi, my ex never let's me see my two children more than a few hours once a week. Ive asked for more time with them and she has refused. I've told her I'm not giving her any money towards maintenance as I'm going to use it to go to court (if I don't do this I can't afford it). I've paid every week since I left, and she's straight away said she's going to csa. The way I see it is me paying for court is for my children. Is what I'm doing allowed?? Any help would be great, as I have no idea.
Ant88 - 2-Apr-17 @ 10:01 PM
After splitting up with my ex partner (no married ) who went back to her ex and denied me access when my son is born I went threw court for access after she refused to let me see him for no reason I supposedly got parental rights n got access.5 yrs down the line the she got married to her exn now stopped contact my son has her husbands last nameand I don't think I'm on birth certificate as she refuses to tell me she's happy to take my csa payments but refuse access what rights do I have and anyway to get contact without courts as I can't afford it?
Fatty - 2-Apr-17 @ 5:03 PM
Alexe2017 - Your Question:
Hi I have full custody over my two children but I am having issues at the moment my x has moved ober 70 miles away she is ment to collect the children at 330 every other Friday she is always late an I mean sometimes hours late. But not only that she is now stating that her partner that she is with she wants him to collect our children on his own and drive them down to her an hour away. But upon the court hearing there was issues raised about her partner from social services and in the order she had to acknowledge the issues raised when he is around the children. Could someone tell me do I have to let my children go with him as the contact order is for my x not her partner. Thanks guys

Our Response:
Any changes to a contact order must be agreed by both parties. One party cannot unilaterally decide to change the order or apply additional terms. Please see link: Breach of Contact or Residence Order: What to Do, here. This should help answer your question.
SeparatedDads - 29-Mar-17 @ 2:24 PM
Hi i have full custody over my two children but i am having issues at the moment my x has moved ober 70 miles away she is ment to collect the children at 330 every other Friday she is always late an i mean sometimes hours late. But not only that she is now stating that her partner that she is with she wants him to collect our children on his own and drive them down to her an hour away. But upon the court hearing there was issues raised about her partner from social services and in the order she had to acknowledge the issues raised when he is around the children. Could someone tell me do i have to let my children go with him as the contact order is for my x not her partner. Thanks guys
Alexe2017 - 28-Mar-17 @ 9:21 PM
Hi, I split with my wife when my son was 18 months and I havee had contact issues ever since. Originally I had no access so had to get a Solictor to sort out weekend contact. This was successful but the agreement didn't cover birthdays, Christmas etc. After waiting for my ex to for about 2 years to do the right thing I went to Court and got an order covering special occasions. My son was aged 5 at this point. Things were relatively ok he was 11 when she out of the blue stopped contact in the holidays. After waiting a year we went back to court as she refused mediation. Undertaking given to split holidays and bank holidays.She had threatened to cut access altogether when he was 14. When he reached14 access was reduced to every 3 weeks and a variety of excuses given by her. My son wanted the normal fortnightly but she wouldn't agree. Access continued to dwindle I now have seen him only a handful of times in the last year. Solicitor advised not to go to court. CAFCASS the same. Mediation attempted, ex agreed to it and never went. Ithink in hindsight ex has got what she wants no contact between my son and I. I hadn't heard of parental alientation prior to him being 14 and I now realised this was what I was up against. His academics are below his capabilities and he's refusing contact with all my side of the family. Any ideas how best to deal with this.
Roperdope - 24-Mar-17 @ 7:29 PM
Jay - Your Question:
Iv been fighting for access now for 3 yrs. I won access last June, I still haven't seen my Two under 5yrs, I have set up and been to family mediation twice, set it up, and she never arrived so back to court, iv been to court 6 times thevEx turned up once, I was due to see my sons on April 2nd, yet got a call today from f,mediation saying that not only am I not getting them on that date, was told the 9th or the 16th, if longer I'll be informed, I have a heart condition, Epilepsy and I am having seizure's more, My lawyer isn't really interested and I have no-one I can turn to.Regards J.Duke

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this - but back to court you should go. If you have a contact order in place which has been awarded by the courts, any changes to a contact order must be agreed by both parties. One party cannot unilaterally decide to change the order or apply additional terms. By doing this, it means your ex is in contempt of court. There are a number of options open to the court in order to punish the offending parent and try to ensure that the breach does not occur. Which route the court takes, will depend upon the circumstances including the severity and frequency of the breach, please see link here. As difficult as it is, you need to pursue the matter as the courts do take breaches seriously. If you cannot afford further legal representation, you can self-litigate, please see link here. Many non-resident parents are doing this and with good success (where they prepare their cases well). You may be able to get more advice from the likes of support groups and by speaking to a McKenzie Friend. Our forum should also be able to help you further.
SeparatedDads - 24-Mar-17 @ 11:38 AM
Iv been fighting for access now for 3 yrs. I won access last June, I still haven't seen my Two under 5yrs, I have set up and been to family mediation twice, set it up, and she never arrived so back to court, iv been to court 6 times thevEx turned up once, I was due to see my sons on April 2nd, yet got a call today from f,mediation saying that not only am I not getting them on that date, was told the 9th or the 16th, if longer I'll be informed, I have a heart condition, Epilepsy and I am having seizure's more, My lawyer isn't really interested and I have no-one I can turn to.Regards J.Duke
Jay - 23-Mar-17 @ 7:25 PM
Lib - Your Question:
So, I have a friend of mine staying with me and hes being denied access to his daughter who he has previously had access and custody of, she wants to go through supervised visits in a centre but has yet to contact them after several months, as our local contact centre needs referal we cant just ring them up ourselves to arrange. What would be our next step we want to try and avoid court as things could go bad and many sour subject brought up that could look unpleasent to both parties. Mediation would be a good option but then it depends on if she agrees and I feel like nothing would come out of it.Is there anything stating she has a certain amount of time to contact the centre for access?

Our Response:
Court is seen as the last resort if mediation breaks down. If your friend does not wish to pursue the matter through court (if he thinks his ex is trying to stall), then he has few options left. It sounds like his ex is holding all the cards and she knows it and is using delay tactics to halt access. While mediation could be suggested if communications have broken down, if his ex refuses the only other option would be to challenge her decision through court.
SeparatedDads - 22-Mar-17 @ 11:54 AM
So, i have a friend of mine staying with me and hes being denied access to his daughter who he has previously had access and custody of,she wants to go through supervised visits in a centre but has yet to contact them after several months, as our local contact centre needs referal we cant just ring them up ourselves to arrange. What would be our next step we want to try and avoid court as things could go bad and many sour subject brought up that could look unpleasent to both parties. Mediation would be a good option but then it depends on if she agrees and i feel like nothing would come out of it. Is there anything stating she has a certain amount of time to contact the centre for access?
Lib - 21-Mar-17 @ 7:02 PM
Minijimbob- Your Question:
If my ex partner refuses to let me see my child, I've been told that by law I am entitled to refuse to pay child maintenance as I've not refused to see my child, is this true, as I can't afford to go courts or get a solicitor thanks

Our Response:
You cannot refuse to pay child maintenance. Child maintenance and child access are two separate issues and not dependent upon each other i.e whether you see your child or not, every non-resident parent is responsible by law for paying child maintenance. If you withdraw child maintenance you may be subjected to arrears. If you cannot afford legal fees to take the matter to court, you can self-litigate - please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 21-Mar-17 @ 12:48 PM
If my ex partner refuses to let me see my child, I've been told that by law I am entitled to refuse to pay child maintenance as I've not refused to see my child, is this true, as I can't afford to go courts or get a solicitor thanks
Minijimbob - 20-Mar-17 @ 6:20 PM
none - Your Question:
I am planing to file divorce, my question here is can she deny access to my 4 kids ages 14,12,07,01 years of old or if it is up to the kids if they want to see their dad or not? and what are my chances to see my childern. And how much per child I have to pay afterwords. Thanks

Our Response:
You can see how much child maintenance you may have to pay via the link here. You don't say whether you have discussed this with your ex or not. If you have and you can't agree, mediation is the next option here. If your ex will not consider mediation and she is refusing to allow you to see the children, then you would have to apply to court. If you have had a good relationship with your children to date, then it is highly likely you will be awarded access through the courts and your ex will have to keep to this agreement. Please also see link here which may be useful to you.
SeparatedDads - 20-Mar-17 @ 11:09 AM
I am planing to file divorce, my question here is can she deny access to my 4 kids ages 14,12,07,01 years of old or if it is up to the kids if they want to see their dad or not? and what are my chances to see my childern. And how much per child i have to pay afterwords.. Thanks
none - 19-Mar-17 @ 1:40 AM
saddad - Your Question:
I'm going through a hard patch with my ex girlfriend, she lived with me and my family after her parents moved from London further up the country in retirement. 4 months before she was due she went to visit her parents for Christmas in 2014, whilst being there she decided she wanted to stay and if I wanted to be part of the new family I would have to leave my own family friends and job behind. after a very difficult decision to join her I found it very hard going from a busy fast paced life in London to a retired mans life living in a rural village an hour away from the nearest city. after searching for the none existent work, as well as trying to adjust to being a young father on my own with just my girlfriend. when our son was born our relationship got worse I was forced to sleep on her dads fishing chair in her parents living room. every time I went to touch my son I was told no and to leave him alone by her parents. now as I new father absolutely over the moon all I wanted to do was hold my pride and joy as any man would. not me though.eventually we broke up and I moved back to London. I started going and seeing him every Saturday meaning I had to leave my house at 5/6am in order to meet his mother at 8/9am that she would never budge on making it harder for me after a week on a building site then a 3/4 hour drive at the crack of dawn. only to get an hour or two with my son to be told his mum has plans. I would be back home by 5pm feeling completely crushed. I even had to meet her at a shopping outlet to buy the clothes she demanded and my time with his was a mcdonalds drive through for an hour.after a few months I became very depressed and began filling my void going to the pub and sadly after months of getting nowhere and being made out to be some kind of scumbag violent drug addict I tried to take my own life as I couldn't take living in such sadness. all I wanted s my little boy. I lost my father when I was 21 after we just made contact again. my ex knew the only thing keeping me going was to be the dad to my son I never had growing up but she has stopped all contact with him. the last time I saw him was his birthday in march 2015 where I travelled with my mother and sister to see how little champ. however as usual that day was cut short just after lunchtime as they had places to be. intact a few weeks after I found a picture taken from my sons birthday mean just 2 hours after id left with a complete stanger holding my son. of course it was her new fella.now my son is days approaching 2 and I still get no where.I've tried calling to find I've been blocked then when she does call me its short and sweet, so I say to her please don't put the phone down, if we can't talk on the phone ill make the 210mile journey to talk to you face to face. she called the police telling them I was threatening her so now they're watching out and keeping a safety report for her. its a complete jokeduring my battle with depression I

Our Response:
I'm sorry to hear this. But you do have several options to apply for access to your child. Really, it would have been more beneficial to apply to court the moment your ex began to freeze you out. The courts do want fathers to have relationships with their children - despite what you may think. But, pestering your ex directly is not going to help, in fact as you have shown, it can have an adverse effect. If you have had a large gap of not seeing your child, then you would have to possibly begin with having supervised access and hopefully leading to unsupervised access in time. I suggest you join our forum where many other dads who have been through similar situations can advise you on what you should do next. It will also help to give you some moral and emotional support here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 16-Mar-17 @ 11:52 AM
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