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When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access

By: Chris Nickson - Updated: 24 Aug 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Contact Court Final Hearing Directions

If your ex-partner says she’s not going to let you have any contact with your children, it can be one of the most distressing things that can happen to you. There may be a number of reasons behind her decision but somehow they’re irrelevant; you simply want to be able to spend time with your kids. So what can you do to change the situation?

Why It Happens

There are several reasons why your ex might deny you access to your children.
  • It could be a bargaining chip for Divorce or legal proceedings yet to come
  • It might be revenge for the break-up of the relationship
  • In some instances, it’s even been used as a way to conceal a new relationship

Denial of contact, as it’s called legally, doesn’t necessarily happen immediately after your relationship ends. It can occur at any time until the child is of age.

What to Do About It

Your first step should be to send a registered letter to your ex-partner in which you ask her to reinstate contact between you and your children. You should state that if she does not do so and will not consider mediation in order to try and resolve the issue, then you’ll have to resort to legal action. Don't forget to take a copy of the letter for your records and keep your proof of sending.

If this produces no action, you have no alternative but to go to court and ask for an Interim Contact Order. In order to obtain a contact order you will need to submit the correct form to the court, find out which form you need Here.

What Does the Interim Contact Order Do?

The interim contact order allows you to have contact with your children until a full court hearing resolves the matter one way or another. If your ex shows no opposition to interim contact, it can be resolved without a court appearance. However, at this stage that’s not likely to be the case.

What Kind of Contact Can you Expect in the Interim?

What you and your solicitor will have to do is remind the court at a “directions hearing” of the length of time before the full hearing will occur. This can often be six months or longer, which can be detrimental to your relationship with your child. In most instances, the court will allow some limited contact between you and your children in the interim, although it’s unlikely to be “staying contact” (allowing the children to stay overnight with you) if the mother objects. She might also demand supervised contact, and the court will generally accede. This all seems heavily weighted towards the mother, even though you might have done nothing wrong. However, it’s a case of the court opting to be cautious.

The Directions Hearing

Prior to the hearing you should inform both the opposing solicitor and the court itself that your side will ask for interim contact and be asking for oral evidence. This will avoid any adjournment. If you’ve had previous contact with your child before you were denied access, especially “staying contact”, you should provide evidence of this to the court, as it will bolster your argument.

The Final Hearing

One of the most important factors preceding the final hearing is the report by the Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer. He or she will interview you and your former partner, your children, if they’re old enough, as well as carers and teachers etc. Generally, the court will accept the report’s recommendations regarding custody and contact. If you disagree with the report, either in part or completely, you can ask for more information, or for another report by a different officer.

If You’re Still Denied Access

If your former partner denies you contact in defiance of an order laid down by the court, you can take her to court to demand access. However, before taking this step, think carefully, as it will not only make relations between the two of you worse, but could possibly end up with her fined or in jail, which will have an adverse affect on the children. If at all possible, you should Attempt Mediation first.

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My partner has stopped all access, My ex states the children don't want to see me? What do I do! I can't talk to her as she is just very unreasonable and childish and uses the children as bartering tooland she has made all allegations against me like drug and alcohol is misuse and domestic violence and mental health issues she's been beating herself and then calling the police on me and all professionals she's told a load oftales and because she's got bruising on her theyBelieve her little do they know she's been doing it to herself and she has also had an affair and had two children from the other guy iv had a DNA done and still do not want me to move on and stopping me seeing the children it's been 2years
Baz - 24-Aug-17 @ 9:39 AM
My partner has stopped all access, I still pay maintenance. My ex states the children don't want to see me? What do I do! I can't talk to her as she is just very unreasonable and childish and uses the children as bartering tool and
Baz - 23-Aug-17 @ 10:00 PM
Becky - Your Question:
Hiya my partner and I started a new relationship I have a daughter and so does he, he was seeing his daughter every Friday and having her over night and his ex had no problems as she had a new partner herself me and my partner found out at 6 months were were expecting a child which was a shock because it was unexpected but when his ex found out she has cut all contact and won't answer the phone or message and has kept his daughter away from seeing him because he now has another child need some advice on what to do about it really

Our Response:
I'm afraid he would have to follow the advice in the article by suggesting mediation first, and if his ex will not comply he would have to take the court route.
SeparatedDads - 22-Aug-17 @ 3:33 PM
Hodge - Your Question:
Hi, 5-6 years ago I went to court to have access with my son. Even though my ex said all kinds of things in court I won, I was allowed access every other weekend from Friday after school till Sunday. This began ok for a while then she kept stopping contact then re-establishing when it suited her. 21 months ago she let me have contact as said by the court, including half term holidays when I had my son most of the holiday. Then she allowed weekly contact for weekends (as my son told her he wanted to come more) and a lot of holiday time. Recently my ex broke up with her partner and has stopped me having any contact what so ever. So I've gone from every weekend (well most weekends) to absolutely nothing, I'm unemployed and cannot afford a solicitor. What can I do, I miss him so much and I know he misses me also, I know that she will be telling him that I don't care. Help me please, I'm not eating or sleeping right. I've been down this road before (which took 2 years), and again the depression has started.

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. If you have a court order in place, then your ex is bound by law to the terms of it, please see link here. In the first instance, a solicitor's letter reminding your ex of her obligations to the order and the action you will take if she refuses to stick to the order may help. If your ex ignores this, then you would have to refer the matter back to court. It is best to deal with this sooner rather than later. If you cannot afford legal representation, you can self-litigate, please see link here . Many non-resident parents are having good success this way. Perhaps joining a support group such as Families Need Fathers - or registering with our Separated Dads forum will help you feel not so alone. The courts do want fathers to have relationships with their children, you have done this once and won and you can do it again. Best of luck.
SeparatedDads - 22-Aug-17 @ 3:22 PM
Hiya my partner and I started a new relationship I have a daughter and so does he, he was seeing his daughter every Friday and having her over night and his ex had no problems as she had a new partner herself me and my partner found out at 6 months were were expecting a child which was a shock because it was unexpected but when his ex found out she has cut all contact and won't answer the phone or message and has kept his daughter away from seeing him because he now has another child need some advice on what to do about it really
Becky - 17-Aug-17 @ 9:33 AM
Hey, I am thinking of taking legal action against my ex. My ex and I split when she was 2 months pregnant with our children; this was a mutual decision as we were both miserable. Fast forward 2 months and I meet a woman and begin a casual, LDR relationship with her. My ex finds out and cuts all contact, blocks me, etc. I continue with my life, unknowing of the progress of her pregnancy, any problems - things you'd want to know as the father. At the beginning of this year, I get a message from her informing me, our son had been born. I wish I could say it changed the whole dynamic - it didn't. My son is now 5 months old and the level of contact and information has been inconsistent; sometimes I'd see him for a 2 weeks on the bounce... other times 2 months without. I'm not allowed any pictures of him or unsupervised contact. She constantly makes up excuses for not coming to the flat. Now she's in a new relationship, she's playing happy families with her new fella. I told her I was getting legal advice and she said that I'd better get a DNA test first. What are your thoughts? Should I seek legal action or find some mediation, like a contact centre?
Sammieboi - 17-Aug-17 @ 9:02 AM
Hi, 5-6 years ago I went to court to have access with my son. Even though my ex said all kinds of things in court I won, I was allowed access every other weekend from Friday after school till Sunday. This began ok for a while then she kept stopping contact then re-establishing when it suited her. 21 months ago she let me have contact as said by the court, including half term holidays when I had my son most of the holiday. Then she allowed weekly contact for weekends (as my son told her he wanted to come more) and a lot of holiday time. Recently my ex broke up with her partner and has stopped me having any contact what so ever. So I've gone from every weekend (well most weekends) to absolutely nothing, I'm unemployed and cannot afford a solicitor. What can I do, I miss him so much and I know he misses me also, I know that she will be telling him that I don't care. Help me please, I'm not eating or sleeping right. I've been down this road before (which took 2 years), and again the depression has started.
Hodge - 15-Aug-17 @ 3:01 PM
Hi, 5-6 years ago I went to court to have access with my son. Even though my ex said all kinds of things in court I won, I was allowed access every other weekend from Friday after school till Sunday. This began ok for a while then she kept stopping contact then re-establishing when it suited her. 21 months ago she let me have contact as said by the court, including half term holidays when I had my son most of the holiday. Then she allowed weekly contact for weekends (as my son told her he wanted to come more) and a lot of holiday time. Recently my ex broke up with her partner and has stopped me having any contact what so ever. So I've gone from every weekend (well most weekends) to absolutely nothing, I'm unemployed and cannot afford a solicitor. What can I do, I miss him so much and I know he misses me also, I know that she will be telling him that I don't care. Help me please, I'm not eating or sleeping right. I've been down this road before (which took 2 years), and again the depression has started.
Hodge - 15-Aug-17 @ 2:59 PM
Hi. I won my case in october 2016 and awarded my ex residency. In july I got an email to say she is putting a sstop to contact, havent seen kids since alledging emotional and physical abuse to them. . God knows when I will see them again. She is devious and maniuplpulitve so I expect not to see them for a very long time.
Boywonder - 11-Aug-17 @ 6:40 PM
Matty - Your Question:
Hello I am just starting to fight for contact with my boys and I have no clue what I need to do in the process of geting back in to contact with them I have not seen them in six months and I have bin put on antidepressants and iv never known a pain like this just not knowing if my boys are ok iv spent endless time looking at pictures and videos of them I just wont to know if any one knows were I need to start manny thanks m.f.wall

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. You would have to take the advice from this article and suggest mediation to your children's mother and if she refuses apply to take the matter to court. If you cannot afford legal fees of being represented by a solicitor in court, you can self-litigate, please see link here. You may like to join the Separated Dads forum too, as our dads have been through similar before and have come out the other side.
SeparatedDads - 10-Aug-17 @ 12:17 PM
Hello i am just starting to fight for contact with my boys and i have no clue what i need to do in the process of geting back in to contact with them i have not seen them in six months and i have bin put on antidepressants and iv never known a pain like this just not knowing if my boys are ok iv spent endless time looking at pictures and videos of them i just wont to know if any one knows were i need to start manny thanks m.f.wall
Matty - 9-Aug-17 @ 11:44 AM
Hi just want some advice please i am due in court to fight to see my daughter my ex partner as slapped a non melestaion order on me in which the fact finer hearing is due is September but the problem I am having is she sees my son from my first relationship up her house in which she as nothing to do with him in which his mum drops him off then but is my ex braking the court rules as it states both parties should not have contact with eachother and everyone of there friends and family any information would be help full thanks
Smiggy147 - 1-Aug-17 @ 11:11 PM
Nan of 3- Your Question:
I'm seeking advice for my son My son split with his partner 6 months ago he has just recently stated a new job the money isn't great but it's still money ,he has decided to go to c m a to sort out payments to his ex ,now she has stopped him access to his daughter , but keeps getting the 3 year-old to face time him while at work and unable to answer the call ,also he doesn't want to really answer the calls as it will end in the ex partner in thebackround slagging him off what should he do ? Also doesn't this border on child cruelty on the daughter who loves spending time with her dad and she is allowing her to face time the dad but not let her see him ?

Our Response:
As specified in the article, if your son and his ex cannot agree between them, then he would have to suggest mediation to his ex, in order to try to resolve the matter via a third party, please see link here. If his ex refuses, he would have to apply to court. The court will then decide what it thinks is in your son's child's best interests and if a contact order is put in place, his ex will have to adhere to it.
SeparatedDads - 1-Aug-17 @ 2:45 PM
I'm seeking advice for my son My son split with his partner 6 months ago he has just recently stated a new job the money isn't great but it's still money ,he has decided to go to c m a to sort out payments to his ex ,now she has stopped him access to his daughter , but keeps getting the 3 year-old to face time him whileat work and unable to answer the call ,also he doesn't want to really answer the calls as it will end in the ex partner in thebackround slagging him off what should he do? Also doesn't this border on child cruelty on the daughter who loves spending time with her dad and she is allowing her to face time the dad but not let her see him ?
Nan of 3 - 1-Aug-17 @ 8:33 AM
Cooper74 - Your Question:
Hi, my ex is threatening to take our 7 year old daughter to live in the North East , currently live in London. Can she take her without my permission? Thank you.

Our Response:
We have also answered your question on another of our pages. Here is the answer: If you have parental responsibility, then your ex has to request your consent. However, if you feel your ex may take your child without your consent you can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order. A PSO is an order granted by the court in family cases which prevents either parent from carrying out certain events or making specific trips with their children without the express permission of the other parent. This is more common in cases where there is suspicion that one parent may leave the area with their children. As is all cases the court will decide what it thinks is in the best interests of the child. If your ex can justify her reasons for wanting to make the move such as family ties, help, work etc the court may award her permission. Likewise, you would have to justify why it was not in the best interests of your ex to move your daughter away from you i.e schooling, friends, family ties, stability, her relationship with you etc. Therefore, it is always best to try to negotiate with your ex regarding what you both think is in the best interests of your child, if you can. Otherwise, I suggest you seek some legal advice.
SeparatedDads - 25-Jul-17 @ 11:13 AM
Hi, my ex is threatening to take our 7 year old daughter to live in the North East , currently live in London. Can she take her without my permission? Thank you.
Cooper74 - 24-Jul-17 @ 12:28 PM
Scooby - Your Question:
My fella and I are due to have the children this week originally she said she didn't want us to have them till Saturday cuz she hasn't seen her daughter all week cuz she been away with school that's fine as we need to drive my children to their grandads house for an holiday. Then she changed her mind wanted us to pick kids up we now said we couldn't do it so she said fine. Now she wants the kids for different days during our week with them we have said no now she saying if we don't do as we are told we won't see the kids again my fella is distraught. We are both currently searching the Internet for answers on what we can do and how we can go forward as we have no money. His ex is also being investigated by social services (and no we didn't report her) but would this come into play if it came up in court. We wants what is best for these children but it feels like my fella has no rights. Please advise.

Our Response:
As specified in the article, your partner would have to suggest mediation in order to try to resolve the issue, please see link here . If his ex refuses mediation, he would then have to apply to court. If your partner does not have the finances to afford legal fees, he can self litigate, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 24-Jul-17 @ 10:58 AM
I found this forum. First off I am 37 years old and I have my ex wife, Ashley she is 30 and had cancer at 21 we have 3 children serenity 10 Camden 8 and Nolan 5 and I have been cancelled out of my family's life for years, well my mother carol she just recently had her husband pass away and she texted me a little I always have texted her but she normally doesn't respond but to my surprise she did this time. Well she is well off and my ex wife Ashley drops the kids with her but I haven't seen my children in over 5 years I love them. And I just need to know what to do. I was under the supervised program to see them but it has been years. I did not finish the program and Ashley did she had them and got some charges leaving them after her cancer was gone she had a wild spree. I was with her because we both came from broken homes. While she had cancer treatments I was not the best husband but she holds that against me. When we got in the court room they said that there's nothing stopping me from seeing the kids. I have been under the impression that I couldn't see them because of state laws. I never received any letter of any sort saying I am clear of the program. Who's fault is it that I haven't been able to see my children? I need to see them. They won't even tell them that I love them. I am homeless and have been for years. I went to life management and they diagnosed me with major depression and ptsd. So I am stuck my mother says she is too sick to help or anything. And Ashley is with another man and has another baby with him. I am stuck and do not know what to do. I have to see them soon. I would even be happy to talk to them on the phone. Ashley probably doesn't want them to talk to me because they will be mentioning me around there home and she doesn't wanna hear that. What do I do
Jay - 23-Jul-17 @ 10:26 AM
My fella and I are due to have the children this week originally she said she didn't want us to have them till Saturday cuz she hasn't seen her daughter all week cuz she been away with school that's fine as we need to drive my children to their grandads house for an holiday. Then she changed her mind wanted us to pick kids up we now said we couldn't do it so she said fine. Now she wants the kids for different days during our week with them we have said no now she saying if we don't do as we are told we won't see the kids again my fella is distraught. We are both currently searching the Internet for answers on what we can do and how we can go forward as we have no money. His ex is also being investigated by social services (and no we didn't report her) but would this come into play if it came up in court. We wants what is best for these children but it feels like my fella has no rights. Please advise.
Scooby - 21-Jul-17 @ 6:45 PM
NT - Your Question:
I have a good friend who is going thro a divorce they have a daughter together that he loves dearly, his ex is very spiteful and says he can have the child a few days a week as long has he don't take her near any other women e.g. Gf or wife if he marries again, the reason she has this control a few years ago he commited a crime and went to jail which he has paid for now and he's a good father provider for her and his life is totally back on track what can he do

Our Response:
If there is a disagreement that both parents cannot resolve between them, then your friend would have to suggest mediation as the next option, please see link here . If your friend's ex refuses mediation, then he would be open to take the matter to court. His ex would have to give a very good reason why he does not wish the child not to see any girlfriend of the father for the court to uphold her wishes. If the father has parental responsibility of the child, then it is assumed (unless proved otherwise) that he has his child's best interests in mind and would not put is daughter in a situation that was harmful to her. Therefore the court should not object to him introducing his child to other people in his life.
SeparatedDads - 21-Jul-17 @ 1:45 PM
I have a good friend who is going thro a divorce they have a daughter together that he loves dearly, his ex is very spiteful and says he can have the child a few days a week as long has he don't take her near any other women e.g. Gf or wife if he marries again, the reason she has this control a few years ago he commited a crime and went to jail which he has paid for now and he's a good father provider for her and his life is totally back on track what can he do
NT - 21-Jul-17 @ 12:55 AM
Icequeen - Your Question:
My partners ex is awkward purely because she can be!. they split 7 years ago she has moved house many times without telling him etc each time the kids have contacted him and he is allowed to see them only on her terms. the oldest is 21 so can come and go as they please. the middle girl has become really close to her dad and they both have a fantastic relationship much to the mothers dismay. my partner has always paid csa and now the middle girl is 16 almost 17 she has been staying over once a week or so sometimes the whole weekend. up until the csa were informed to the change of circumstances. my partners ex has hit the roof and now said the girl isn't allowed to stop over. can she do that??? Why be so vindictive and spiteful it's always all about the money element for her. she has become a real nightmare for the middle girl constantly picking at her and being horrible. my partners daughter can't do anything right and it's getting her down. money is very tight for us so court orders I guess are not an option because of the price. any advice pls. why should my partner have to miss out on his kids because the mother is being nothing more than spiteful. she cannot be spoken to as her word is final on everything :(

Our Response:
I'm afraid the only two options are mediation and if your partner's ex refuses mediation, then he would have to apply to court. If he cannot afford court fees, he may be eligible for a reduction if he is on a low income, please see link here . Otherwise, please see link here , if your partner cannot afford legal representation.
SeparatedDads - 20-Jul-17 @ 2:08 PM
My partners ex is awkward purely because she can be!... they split 7 years ago she has moved house many times without telling him etc each time the kids have contacted him and he is allowed to see them only on her terms.... the oldest is 21 socan come and go as they please... the middle girl has become really close to her dad and they both have a fantastic relationship much to the mothers dismay... my partner has always paid csa and now the middle girl is 16 almost 17 she has been staying over once a week or so sometimes the whole weekend... up until the csa were informed to the change of circumstances... my partners ex has hit the roof and now said the girl isn't allowed to stop over... can she do that??? Why be so vindictive and spiteful it's always all about the money element for her... she has become a real nightmare for the middle girl constantly picking at her and being horrible. .. my partners daughter can't do anything right and it's getting her down.... money is very tight for us so court orders I guess are not an option because of the price... any advice pls. ... why should my partner have to miss out on his kids because the mother is being nothing more than spiteful. ... she cannot be spoken to as her word is final on everything :(
Icequeen - 19-Jul-17 @ 9:39 PM
Suz - Your Question:
My partbers children were 15 and 13 when he left the marital home. After a petty argument he has not seen them since. Other than going down the legal route which is costly is there anything he can do?

Our Response:
Mediation should be considered before considering taking the matter to court. It does cost, but it is not as costly, please see link here. If your partner's ex refuses to attend mediation in order to resolve these issues, he can apply to court. If he cannot afford the hefty legal fees, self-litigation is the alternative option, please see link here .
SeparatedDads - 18-Jul-17 @ 11:37 AM
My partbers children were 15 and 13 when he left the marital home. After a petty argument he has not seen them since. Other than going down the legal route which is costly is there anything he can do?
Suz - 17-Jul-17 @ 5:26 PM
Lulu - Your Question:
Hi my brother is being denied to see his daughter just because he broke up with the baby mommy he has been told that she'll make sure that his daughter hates him and even had a retraining order for him we want to take legal action but we don't know where to start can you please advice.Thank you

Our Response:
I'm afraid we can offer no more advice than what the article suggests. If your brother cannot afford legal representation he can self litigate, please see link here. However, as specified mediation should be the first port of call, please see link here . Your brother may also wish to seek professional legal advice with regards to his restraining order and whether he will be allowed to apply to court.
SeparatedDads - 14-Jul-17 @ 2:58 PM
Hi my brother is being denied to see his daughter just because he broke up with the baby mommy he has been told that she'll make sure that his daughter hates him and even had a retraining order for him we want to take legal action but we don't know where to start can you please advice.Thank you
Lulu - 14-Jul-17 @ 12:37 PM
Ringo - Your Question:
I recently seperated from my wife. She had an affair and moved her new bloke in on the kids within weeks. I have two girls. A step daughter I have raised from the age of 18 months and my own who is 5. The oldest is now nearly 11. I wasn't denied any contact to start until I moved 200 miles away for financial reasons. Then it started. I've since had to negotiate with solicitors over contact but my estranged wife will only let me have contact with my biological daughter now. I don't want to have to drag the girl through court but Skype has stopped as well. My wife tells me i've ruined my relationship with her and I need to re-build that in time. How if she won't contact allow any contact. I asked her to let my step daughter tell me for herself without any pressure. My wife then tried to blackmail me by saying she would if I signed a letter saying I will then not take it to court.

Our Response:
Unfortunately, as your step-daughter is not your biological daughter and you do not have parental responsibility, it means you do not have any rights, or are in any position to demand access. If you apply to court it means you have a lesser chance of gaining access to your step-daughter than if you had parental responsibility. I can only suggest you take a step back and allow your wife and your step-daughter time. Many relationships need time after a separation has taken place and your ex is under no obligation to allow you access. Please see link here which may help. You may have to look at it this situation from another perspective.
SeparatedDads - 13-Jul-17 @ 2:15 PM
I recently seperated from my wife. She had an affair and moved her new bloke in on the kids within weeks. I have two girls. A step daughter i have raised from the age of 18 months and my own who is 5. The oldest is now nearly 11. I wasn't denied any contact to start until i moved 200 miles away for financial reasons. Then it started. I've since had to negotiate with solicitors over contact but my estranged wife will only let me have contact with my biological daughter now. I don't want to have to drag the girl through court but Skype has stopped as well. My wife tells me i've ruined my relationship with her and i need to re-build that in time. How if she won't contact allow any contact. I asked her to let my step daughter tell me for herself without any pressure. My wife then tried to blackmail me by saying she would if i signed a letter saying i will then not take it to court.
Ringo - 12-Jul-17 @ 3:06 PM
Shaz - Your Question:
I have been to court on numerous occasions- the outcome was shared custody with the father having residency. This worked out until school age. We met up, agreed that living in two houses would not be beneficial at school as we had already encountered behaviourial and emotional problems. My boy was frequently upset when changing address. So one parent to have school times, the other weekend and holidays. Now my ex has a new partner which has changed things. My son repeats many obscene comments (I have many concerns) and I am being refused access. I have been told by the dad that I'm to have no contact with the school, he has changed this twice as naturally I could not agree and repeatedly made contact. I cannot collect or take home to school for the weekend. Now things have escalated so badly he is denying me any access at all at the weekend. I have messages to prove this. He will not tell me where my boy is, and says that he wants to spend time at weekends because he works on the week, he refuses mediation, laughs I'm my face when I mentioned court and now ignores me 100%. Help. Where do I go with this.

Our Response:
As specified in the article, if your ex refuses mediation, then you have the option to take the matter to court. If you cannot afford professional legal representation you can self litigate, please see link here. Sometimes a solicitor's letter outlining your rights/actions if your ex refuses to continue to comply might do the trick. If not, then court is your only remaining option.
SeparatedDads - 11-Jul-17 @ 1:49 PM
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