No one’s going to try to say that separating is easy. Even at its smoothest, it’s a dizzying, horrible experience. In court it can lead to a lot of acrimony, and where issues are contested, legal bills can easily soar into the thousands, something neither you nor you former partner need at this stage.
If you're considering this route, it helps to organize your thoughts and priorities beforehand using our free Mediation Prep Tool.
Before you head into a costly court battle, there is an alternative, and it’s one suggested surprisingly often by solicitors or courts. Mediation is a lot less divisive than court wrangling, and statistics have show that for both parents the results have proved to be more satisfying than drawn-out legal procedures. Additionally, it’s a great deal less expensive.
How It Works
Mediation is a series of sessions with a trained, neutral mediator to sort out the issues around splitting up – note that this isn’t an attempt to reconcile the two of you. These involve child residence and contact (always putting the welfare of the children first), but also cover legal and Financial Issues. If you’re married, it’s not a substitute for Divorce; you’ll still need to go through that, but with everything else taken care of in a written mediation agreement, it can prove to be a much faster, simpler, and cheaper procedure as you’ll have a consent order.
You attend a series of mediation sessions, each lasting between one and two hours; rarely are more than six sessions necessary. The initial meeting can be the with you and your ex or individually, discussing the issues and whether the two of you can meet face to face. At no time does the mediator attempt to make decisions for you or take either side in the discussion. They’re simply facilitators in the proceedings.
Both parties will need to give honest, signed information about their finances for mediation to work. Be aware, though, that mediation doesn’t work for everyone, although it’s successful in the vast majority of cases. Once you start, you’re still free to stop if you wish. Everything you say is confidential, with the exception of your financial information and anything that might come to light about the potential of harm to anyone, most particularly your children. Note, too, that you have to at least find out about mediation before you can qualify for legal aid for any court settlement.
Prepare your key points and priorities before mediation. Takes 5 minutes.
Try our Mediation Prep Tool free, here on this site →What It Costs
It’s possible to get legal aid to cover the costs of mediation, but for most people, you’ll be paying the bill yourself. Depending on the number of sessions involved, this can run between £100 and £1000; a lot depends on the complexity of the cases and the number of issues involved.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
The Sessions
Obviously, it’s simplest if the sessions involve you and your ex-partner together. If so, ground rules will be established regarding no interruptions, shouting and so on. You might need separate rooms with the mediator going between the two of you.
You’ll need to be prepared for give and take. When it comes to residence and Contact Orders, the two of you want the same thing, which is whatever’s best for the kids, and the mediator can help you work out the most viable, practical solutions. But that also includes financial issues, such as mortgages – the kids need somewhere to live, after all. It’s not easy, but the mediator works with the pair of you to establish a solution that’s satisfactory to you both (and to the children).
It culminates in an agreement, called a Memorandum of Understanding or Statement of Outcome. You’ll probably want to have your solicitor review the agreement before you sign it, and once signed the two of you can also have your solicitors sign it to make everything legally binding. It might also be that you only reach agreement on some issues. If so, the mediator will record these, and the others can be resolved in court.
If your children are older, many mediators will suggest involving them in the sessions. It makes sense, since, in essence, you’re discussing their welfare.
Finding a Mediator
The Family Mediation Helpline (www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk) or National Family Mediation (www.nfm.org.uk) can help connect you to a mediator, visit their website to find your nearest service and contact details. It’s not a solution that’s going to work in every single case, but it’s often proved a value solution for separating families. More about mediation can be found here.
My ex-wife took away my son and not showing me for past 7 years. Though i want to contact my son, asking through friends mediation, my ex- is reluctant to show my son and she married another guy and turned my son against me. Even when I went to school, the Head Teacher not showed my son on the orders of my ex-wife, and when I am waiting outside of school, she warned me not to wait outside and even later banned me to enter in school premises. I need to proceed to the court to get arrangement orders.
Still I need to proceed with MIAM process and get letter from them before filing in the court?
I have no money and I need to file everything on my own as my ex-wife ruined my finances by filing false cases in India. Please advice all the steps to go the court to access my son and to get in contact with my son
I’m just confused on if I still send my son to his dads as hes decided he wants him or do I keep him until mediation is finalised, I’ve rang mediation and they can’t give a specific answer on what to do
Regards
Luc
The meetings were going great what with meeting his other grandparents but the child’s dad has a girlfriend and my daughter things it’s all to soon to meet up but it’s causing problems with my daughter as the family are not listening to her .
This is causing great distress for her and don’t know what to do
I'm currently in the middle of moving away with my children ! If I tell him now that we are moving I know he will be real mad and harass myself and my kids again but probably worse ! I don't want him to stop seeing his daughter I just need to be far enough away that he can't come to my door.. Advice please x
would he need to be added to a birth certificate before medication can begin?
11 years of no contact is a long time, my son has his own opinions and is currently a happy boy with lots of family, friends and has his routines.
I have emailed the mediator back to explain the length of time with no contact and what my sons wishes are. Part of me feels my ex has a lot of explaining to do and why get in touch now? why leave it so long? surely the child being older if more difficult? I'm not sure what the next step will be?
My ex has not seen my son for over 11 years, no contact at all. I met my husband just before my sons first birthday so he considers him to be his dad but he does know the truth.
I have just received a referral for mediation, I was quite taken aback as I cannot possibly think what I have to mediate after no contact for 11 years.
Do they discuss finances? My ex is now a Capatin in the navy and I'm not sure he declared this promotion and I also know his elder son ho is 20 this year started university last year so I guess payments would change. I'm thinking he wants to negotiate a new payment, I've found getting this letter unsettling and have emailed to ask what is there to mediate, will they tell me the reason?
Help!!! Any advise
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