I'm sure it's unusual for you to have a question from a mum, but I am at my wits end and I'm hoping you might be able to give me some advice from a dad's perspective. I split up with my kids' dad three years ago and at first things were ok. Hhe had access with his kids for 3 nights every 10 days, which had to be arranged every few months due to his shift work.
Over the years this arrangement has broken down, we have been through solicitors on two occasions and mediation but nothing seems to work.
We're at the point now where my children haven't seen their dad for four months. I do believe my ex wants access with his children but only on his terms, which has been detrimental to the children, and they have been extremely upset by some of his actions.
I really don't think he realises how much he's affecting them. Are there any organsations that can speak to him or is there something I can do?
You’re right, this is a tough one. Obviously you’ve tried to work it out between the two of you and by including solicitors. There are no legal channels you can go through to insist on your ex seeing his kids. However, you seem to think he wants to see them, but only on his terms, although you don’t state what those are, or what actions of his have upset the kids – presumably not seeing them?
If you want to communicate your concerns clearly and constructively without emotion getting in the way, you could try our free Letter Builder.
Your options are limited, really. You don’t mention it as a problem so it would seem that he Pays His Maintenance on time, which means you can’t complain about that to the CSA.
Check what legal rights you have as a separated father. Takes 2 minutes.
Try our Father's Rights Checker free, here on this site →Odd as it might seem, your best bet might be to talk to a group like Families Need Fathers. Normally the type of problems they’d deal with would be fathers unable to get access to their children, but they might be able to offer some advice.
Another good thing to do is to find groups of divorced and separated parents in your area and ask them for advice. It’s possible others might have found themselves in the same situation and can offer strategies that might work.
Have you tried talking to his friends or family, if you’re still in contact with them? He might listen more to those who are closest to him. If you can explain the problem to them, they might be willing to work with you to help resolve it.
The crux of the problem would seem to be that your ex doesn’t understand how his lack of contact hurts his kids, who want to see him – and that you, too, want him to be involved with them, so there’s no conflict on that score. It can be impossible to convince someone who doesn’t want to see.
Ultimately, it could also be the case that your ex no longer wants to see his kids – a sad situation, but one that’s more common than you think. If that’s so, as long as he provides the agreed financial support, there’s very little you can do, other than prepare your kids for the worst and see them through it.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
when she actually left in sept 2018. I have told the cms and they are ignoring me and
saying that because my ex has told them my daughter is still in education they are going on that,
she is also fraudulently claiming Child Benefit, so the dopey cms are checking child benefit and
asking the ex, this is the evidence they use!! They will not contact the college as this is
data protection, we have already overpaid and now they are sending us collect and pay notices?
Once it became apparent I wouldn't get back with him(I split up with him when our son was 6 months old) he slowly stopped making an effort. And now I don't text/ring him to see his son (I used to ALWAYS arrange contact) because I realised it was all me and it felt like I was having to force him to see our son.
My ex now sees our son on average once every 5-7 weeks, usually for an afternoon or morning, never all day and hasn't had him over night for almost 2 years. He went 11 weeks without seeing our son, literally no texts/calls to see how he was, nothing.
I've pulled him up on this several times, told him he needs to step up cos he's not doing enough (he told me he's doing a really good job and no one can say otherwise!)
He has a daughter (7 months) and my son has met his sister twice! I don't know if his girlfriend knows the truth but I'd never have stayed with a man who'd ignore his child, and definitely not have a child with him too!
My son for the last 2 years has been asking to call my husband daddy, which we've discouraged by telling him (kindly) that "he's not your daddy but he loves you very much" but it breaks my heart that my ex doesn't care, I've done everything I can to try and save their relationship and I'd never want to stop my son seeing his dad but he just doesn't care! Has anyone got any advice? Please?
Etru373 - 2-Sep-16 @ 5:30 AM
He cheated on me three years ago when our daughter was just four, the 'I want a separation' message on facebook came on her birthday. All the hurt led to divorce - he'd done it before and gotten her pregnant but I couldn't cope again. Three months later he'd moved out to London from our home in Yorkshire to live with 'a friend' who wasn't the woman he'd been with, but shortly thereafter he moved in with her when she was pregnant.
He's still with her though he tells me occasionally he wants to leave and their daughter will be two any time. They live in Brighton now.
He promised when he left that he'd see our daughter for half of the holidays - half the two week Christmas break, half the two-three week Easter break, and half the Summer break.
She's seven now and she's spent two Christmases with him and two Summers. It's been three years. We used to ring him every other night and she'd talk nonsense down the phone to him and drive him nuts (a four year old on the phone, he's got some patience!) for ages.
Then my contract changed so we'd Skype because I didn't have free minutes any more.
Very quickly the Skype sessions went from nightly to weekly, weekly to monthly, and now he's never in touch.
She last stayed with him Christmas 2014. He did something which upset her and she asked him to 'get mummy' so he got me to call. I called and the first thing she said was 'I'm always going to live with you mummy' before asking for my partner and crying on the phone to him.
I don't know what to do. He doesn't bring her all the way home when he's had her - I've had to drive down to Brighton or the train station because he doesn't want to bring her home. He never calls or emails and when she was emailing (she's very literate) he insisted it was me. I'd turn the computer on and get her to the yahoo! page and leave her to it.
He doesn't pay CSA and he lies to her about sending things in the post (he said he'd post up the presents which didn't fit in her suitcase and they never arrived so she's called him on it).
She didn't want to go down and see him all last year because of something that happened last Christmas (which she refuses to talk about which is very unlike her) but he hasn't even tried to call let alone tried to visit.
She loves my partner to pieces and seems happy in herself but whenever her father is mentioned or whenever it gets to a time of year when he should be in touch or she would be spending time with him (Easter, Summer, her birthday, Christmas) she wets the bed.
I really don't know what to do. He tells me I'm horrible and being nasty when I've tried to find out what happened between them last Christmas to make things between them this bad. He won't reply to my emails when I try and get him to take an interest in his daughter's life. She's such a smart girl,
the control is rife the manipulation,alienation too.....my only option is to go back to court
this will be the 6th time and get an enforcement order......it is an absolute joke i am at the mothers mercy!!!! in the 3 weeks interim no contact at all.
In July 2010 we had a child, so I contacted the CSA providing a copy of our sons birth certificate & child benefit entitlement to enable them to recalculate the amount paid. A few weeks after providing this information my husband received a phone call from the CSA advising him that they were dealing with 'a change of circumstances' and had calculated that he was in arrears on the account by £110. My husband asked for clarification on how there could possibly be a shortfall as the change of circumstances were in our favour & within a few clicks on the system the caller advised that it wasn't £110 in arrears, it was in fact £1136 and asked if he would be willing to make payment over the phone!! Obviously he declined & as he was getting understandably frustrated I took the call over. I asked how we could be in arrears when the money is taken from his wages every week without fail and all I could get back was 'the amount you should of paid is X amount but the amount you've actually paid is X amount so you need to pay the shortfall'! She couldn't advise how this shortfall had occurred & suggested it may be arrears from prior to the CSA payments starting... I advised her that we had previously paid his ex direct (almost double the amount they had calculated) and they had taken this into consideration from the start as we had reduced payments for the first 6 months to reflect this shortfall. I was told to send in evidence of this (their own letters!) and obtain confirmation from the ex that the payments were for child maintenance & not just a weekly 'gift'... Which we did. I kept in regular contact with the CSA for a few months & they maintained that the shortfall was still there but no-one could clarify why... I was given a deadline in April 2011 for an official reply into their investigation and never heard anything so we carried on paying the initial amount (with no reduction for our child) and decided we'd rather overpay than deal with the stress & incompetence of dealing with the CSA! We had a second child in December 2012 and both agreed not to notify the CSA as any reduction we may be entitled to wasn't worth the stress of dealing with them.
In September 2013 his eldest daughter started Uni. Whilst I was aware that this should have meant we no longer paid maintenance for her, the payments continued for both children.
We received a letter 2 weeks ago (the eldest has just turned 20) advising that following a change of circumstances our payments would be reducing as it's now just the one child to pay for.
I decided to ring them to confirm the date that the new payments would come into effect and was told the case was with the finance department & they would be in touch shortly.
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