Using Mediation Effectively

Author: Emma Jones

Separation or Divorce is never an enjoyable process and sorting out the practicalities is usually hindered by feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment. For the sake of you own wellbeing and that of your child, you need to find a way to make the transition as smooth as possible. Your ex is the mother of your child and however you feel about her, she will always be part of your life. You need to both commit to working together to find the best solution for your child and agree suitable Custody and Visitation Rights. (For more information, read our article Mediation As A Solution For Child Custody And Visitation on this site.)

Before attending your first mediation session, it helps to clarify your thoughts and priorities using our free Mediation Prep Tool.

Why Use Mediation?

Having been through a separation it is unlikely that you and your partner are communicating very well. A mediator acts as a neutral third party to help you sort through all the issues, both emotional and practical, that are preventing you from moving on. As well as saving you a lot of time, money and heartache in the legal process, they can help you and your ex find a way to work together for the wellbeing of your child.

Mediation Prep Tool

Prepare your key points and priorities before mediation. Takes 5 minutes.

Try our Mediation Prep Tool free, here on this site →

How to Choose a Mediator?

There are many different organisations that provide mediation services from government-run schemes to private practices. For your mediator to have a positive effect it has to be someone that both you and your ex feel comfortable with. Choose a location that is convenient for you both and don’t be afraid to speak up if you are not satisfied with the person you first see.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

Committing to Mediation

For mediation to work effectively you and your ex both need to be fully engaged and willing to work hard. Talking about your feelings, splitting assets and arranging visitation to see your child is never going to be easy. However, the more committed you are to finding a solution the quicker and easier the whole process will be.

Stepping Out Alone

Seeking mediation is a positive first step to building a communication channel with your ex. However, your mediator is not going to hold your hand forever and you need to use what you have learnt to move forward. Take the mature approach, setting an example and never letting old feelings cloud your judgement. Focus on your child and what you need to do to make their life good. If your ex is being awkward, stay calm and suggest returning to mediation to find common ground.

When tensions are running high it can be difficult to see your situation objectively. Using mediation is a great way to learn to work together and find ways to communicate. Not only will mediation save you money and time with the legal process, it will pave the way for your future. Once you have found a mediator that you are happy with it is important that you and your ex commit to it. Keep the needs of your child at the forefront of you mind and when the mediation is over use the tools you have learnt to move forward and keep communicating calmly and maturely with your ex.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Mediation Prep Tool lets you prepare your key points and priorities before mediation. Takes 5 minutes. Try it now →

25 questions

Ask Separated Dads a Question

Deano 05/11/2019 at 12:40 pm

Hi,
Could someone please help me with any advice I would be eternally grateful.
My daughter is 10 with my ex-partner and was not planned I was only 22 at the time and very immature in a young not happy relationship. My ex fell pregnant I stated I wasn’t ready to be a Dad but she had told me she had had an abortion from a previous relationship. She still to this day uses this against me. My very short version of the story, I have been a constant in my daughter’s life having her overnight weekly since 8 months old until she was 8 years old.
In a nutshell I paid my monthly money to her in line with salary. I got to see my daughter for first few years in a routine way every weekend. Friday night til sat then sat night til sun etc. Arguments came but I felt normal as were always just over dates she would change or what have u. Then fast forward a few years at aged 5 my daughter now has a step dad (never caused me any problems) and she also has a sister. From this point my ex-partner now is married (I am genuinely happy for he as she has finally moved on n less stress for me – but...now feel trying to get me out the picture for perfect family without me there) as holds this bitterness, resentment and general hate for how I treated her in relationship. The routine since became a lot less though and she made things a lot harder for me to see my daughter changing plans and times/dates less than 24hrs before so I could make no plans. On a side note I had only introduced my daughter to one girlfriend in 8 years who I was with for around 18 months or so. Fast forward to the present day, I am in a happy stable relationship of 15 months now. I have lived in a house with my partner for 6 months now and we are happy. Though I have not seen my daughter for fast approaching 3 months now and it is killing me. My ex is married now with two other children yet basically stating I need to choose my relationship or my daughter. She had not allowed my partner to meet my daughter and said if it happened she would stop me seeing her. I put up with this for a year but now cannot no longer as basically seriously affecting my relationship. My daughter really wanted to meet my partner and so after been together for over a year we met and she finally came to our house and saw her room for first time. She had a lovely time picking things out make plans for the three of us next time she came, and it was only on the way home my daughter suddenly panicked that her mother was going to tell her off because my daughter had asked to meet my partner and her mother kept saying no. So I told her not to worry and I would speak to her. She hit the roof slammed door in my face and then called me stating how dare I disobey her etc. I surely as a father should be able to introduce my daughter and do things as a family just like her n her husband do? She is in my care in no harm or danger but she has point blanked refused access if my partner is around.
So now she is trying

Laurie 21/12/2018 at 8:23 pm

It’s ok to (move on with life )and meet your( child in adulthood) if they are (willing)they have there own (minds then) .i have come to terms with my ex she never (respect me )that’s for sure I find it quite (funny) now and think( good for her) and we didn’t (end well )i should (never )have called her after so (many years )as if she would ever (cooperate with me )I must off been (delusional) to message that women the (way I did) .i have (let it go now) it’s (mothers job )anyway to raise her children .i am not dan or Jason (weak men )I am Timmy it’s not the (end of the world if you don’t see your child ).in fact there are (millions )off us .sick to death been soft walked on no more I can tell you that .

C.laurie 21/12/2018 at 1:43 am

Like to apologise to my ex for the (empty threats) .i was( lonely) and wanted a reply from my daughter I was (stupid and childish) because I didn’t have( money for a solicitor and was unemployed at the time ).plus it’s been( 8years) now I must look like a lunatic.i need to (socialise more interact with people) .(i don’t want any trouble with police ).my deepest apologies to them .i am done with blogs to.clear my mind let it go .

Iwantoseemydaughter 18/12/2018 at 9:33 pm

My ex has suddenly change the way I see my daughter. She is only letting me see her one day a week (in the week) and every other weekend. My work doesn’t allow me keep set schedules so I messaged her at the start of the month to say what days I can see her and it worked fine other than her saying no to the odd day or week. I want to see her more than once a week and work around my schedules but she won’t allow it. I’ve put a board up in the play room so my daughter can see which days she is staying with me. I have placed a moon and play shapes on a family bird so she knows when she is staying over or just playing.
What do I do?

Char 08/11/2018 at 6:47 pm

Hi my partners ex keeps using the child to hurt my partner when ringing tries to start arguments. And throwing things in to make out hes a bad dad. She will not let him have her at his or have her for a week. She says that she cant get there if anything happens.
What can we do?

Gay Dad 13/07/2017 at 11:10 am

As follow up to your answer

"You say the mothers are 'legal' parents, but you don't say whether this was drawn up officially or not i.e whether you are considered a 'donor' (if so your rights may then be compromised).Therefore, professional legal advice in needed here."

I have been present in the first three years of my daughter's life, we have made a verbal agreement and nothing on a paper. My daughter called me Daddy, and this is how her mother referred to me too.. As well as that, they wanted to include my parents (Jo's grandparents) in my daughter's life.

SeparatedDads Editor 11/07/2017 at 12:10 pm

You say the mothers are 'legal' parents, but you don't say whether this was drawn up officially or not i.e whether you are considered a 'donor' (if so your rights may then be compromised). Therefore, professional legal advice in needed here.

Gay Dad 10/07/2017 at 8:20 pm

Four years ago, my beautiful daughter Jo was born, to a not so typical family. I am a gay man and "mothers' are a lesbian couple. As we have been together through thick and thin, I have known them for so long that I agreed to become a dad with them being legal parents. We have made lots of great plans and had ideas before my girl was born, some of them included using my surname. As they got married when the biological mum was already pregnant, there was very little left for me as a father in all the legal terms... I became the third wheel! As well as that my relation with Jo's mum became tenser and tenser, we were 'party friends' in our earlier years, obviosly she cleaned up her act before the insemination. No cigarettes, no booze, no fun. She became a hateful being. She criticised my friends for bring 'horrible gifts' to my daughter and so on. In all this mess I found anew partner in crime: her wife. From this moment we settled to have my visits when my wifey-ally was working from home and we started being, normal (dysfunctional) family. But there was no way of avoiding seeing the mother during my visits and as much I have always tried to remove myself from their private life I was suddenly in it. On one occasion, they have been very tense, on top of Jo being unwell, somehow I got a blame for NOTHING and was abused verbally in front of my daughter. Sadly I also responded badly to the argument and this was it. I have been told in a string of emails and messages what sort of person I am, where my place on Earth is and how the situation will look like from now on. I was basically turned in to a puppet. I have refused to go with their terms. I felt totally humiliated. They have in the meantime strengthened the bond with my parents "because child needs grandparents". Right, but not a father!? This was about 3 months after I didn't see my girl, they went even to such extreme abuse of my privacy as to visit "the grandparents" in Poland, there sadly my mother have been forced to listen to some atrocities about me, which she then described to me as shocking. I have asked in an email if its okay now to see my daughter, since its okay for my parents to be present in her life, but I have found more abusive and unfair statements about me and now also about my parents. Okay, they have told me I can come and see Jo, but I will be only allowed certain activities, under their strict scrutiny. But I am a human before a dad, I am stripping off my pride to the bone, but I can't see nurturing my love to my child in a home that I consider full of hate and false statements. Sadly in all this, I am in no single legal paper visible as a father, what to do?

SeparatedDads Editor 03/06/2016 at 2:45 pm

Please also see link: Mediation: What is it and is it For Me? here. If you cannot resolve your issues between you, then mediation is the first port of call. If you suggest mediation and your ex refuses, or if you try mediation and the process fails, then you will be eligible to apply through the courts. I'm afraid there are no other options than this. The courts will always decide on what it thinks is in the best interests of your child.

Joe 03/06/2016 at 11:15 am

Hi, me and my wife seperated a year ago and we have a 3 year old daughter. At the time, before our seperation we were living in england all together. My wife was originally from Belfast and when we split up she moved back in with parents in n.ireland with our daughter who was 2 at the time. It look me about 6 months to find a new job, rent out the house we both owned in england together and finally move over to belfast myself. I've now been living in n.i for 6 months and have my own apartment fully furnished to myself and the child etc, I work full time and pay csa every month. My wife allows me to see our daughter 1-2 times per week for 6 hours at a time, but I feel as though I should be able to have her for a full 24hour period or atleast over night. My ex is refusing to allow me to look after our daughter over night as she has her own issues, all irrelevant to myself caring for our daughter. I don't want to take a legal route but don't think she will allow me full access to daughter, and has stated it could take her years to feel comfortable with me having her over night. Any help on this situation and what mediation could do would be greatly appreciated. Thanks very much.

SeparatedDads Editor 23/02/2016 at 2:06 pm

I am sorry to hear this. As difficult as it seems if Mediation has been unsuccessful, court is the next option and on the plus-side, any order granted through court will be official, unlike Mediation (as it will be considered a breach if his ex reneges upon it). Your son may also be able to apply for an interim contact order before it comes to court, please see link: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here. The court does wish for fathers to see their children and the fact you have been through Mediation means your son is doing everything by the book, which will hopefully go in his favour. I hope this helps.

worried 22/02/2016 at 10:49 pm

my son and his partner split up last July and have a 17 month daughter my son is named on the birth certificate
my son met someone else and never been so happy contact was regular with his daughter
since having a new g\f his ex is using his daughter like a weapon
my son has paid 3 times for mediation each time its agreed my son would have contact 3 times a week
every couple of weeks when his ex is drunk she stops access its heart breaking for my son and myself
i think the only hope now is for my son to apply to the courts
how long would it take as his daughter is only young and may forget him

SeparatedDads Editor 27/01/2016 at 2:03 pm

I am sorry to hear this as what should be a happy arrangement has obviously soured. If we look at it from the mother's point of view for a moment, she may genuinely want for her daughter to spend quality time with her father because she feels his time is now diluted. Another aspect may be that his daughter, while not having anything against you or your daughter and despite your welcoming her into the home, may too feel that she is not spending quality time with her dad, which after a split is understandable as it can be difficult for a youngster who has been used to having her father's individual attention. Therefore, for a healthy relationship spending alone time with the natural parent should be encouraged. You don't say whether she gets on with your daughter as there may be a few underlying issues there. You say 'she knows she has met her match' with you, which means there obviously is a lot of antagonism developing from both sides. The only way you can try to sort out this agreement is amicably, or it's not going to work. Suggesting mediation may be the way forward, if these issues are not going to resolve naturally. Otherwise, if your partner's ex stays true to her word, unfortunately your partner may have to deal with these issues through the courts.

Jen 27/01/2016 at 2:32 am

Hi. i realy hope someone can help me. Ive been with my partner for 9 months. he has a daughter who is ten. i also have a daughter the same age. everything was great in the beginning between his daughter comming to our place every weekend. Even my partners ex was ok. Then things changed. in the last three months the mother has put some idea in her daughters head not to want to come stay at our pl. the ex only wants my partner and his daughter to spend time together by themselves without me and my daughter. This is spliting mine and my partners family time up. The ex has some kind of issue with me. I have been so good to her daughter made her feel welcome always involving her. now its. she only wants to see her dad. alot of horrible stuff has happened from the exs side towards me and my daughter. She knows she has met her match with me like cant ask my partner for extra money that he used to give her before he met me. At the moment she has said to him if he brings his daughter back to our place then he is not to see his daughter again. its the ex that has issues and i dont know how to make this better. i want a relationship family life with my partner and its been a big battle when his ex wants something. i could go on because soooo much has happened. WHAT DO I DO?

SeparatedDads Editor 25/01/2016 at 12:51 pm

If his ex refuses mediation, then he can apply to the courts. If he cannot afford the solicitor's fees, then he can self-litigate, please see link: Legal Aid Withdrawal: How to Represent Yourself, here and the Bar Council gives some very good guidance via whichMany fathers are going down the self-litigation route and are having success in gaining access, if they prepare their cases well. I hope this helps.

lish 24/01/2016 at 4:46 pm

my sons ex has stopped all contact with his 19 week old daughter, he has asked her to go mediation but has refused, she has blocked any means of contact eg phone and said she will see him in court, at present he works but cant afford the 200pound solicitors fees and they all tell him she has to go mediation first. we are at our wits end with worry none of our family get to see our first grand baby what do you advise

SeparatedDads Editor 07/12/2015 at 2:29 pm

While he is not on the birth certificate he currently has no rights. However, he could take this to court and apply for Parental Responsibility, which means he would gain some rights, He could also take it to court to apply for contact/access.

Steph 06/12/2015 at 3:40 am

My ex partner refused to be on the birth certificate as he didn't want to be apart of mine and our babies life. One year later he changed his mind and decided he wanted to be a father which I found very difficult to accept after walking out on me for falling pregnant. What rights does he have if he's not on the birth certificate?

scaredinok 04/12/2015 at 4:32 am

My sons ex gf was very abusive mentally & physically to my son & myself for almost 5 years. They had a son while living with & off of me in 2012. Shortly after moved into their own house my son worked until she started causing problems with his employer & caused him to lose his job, she never worked & so in order for my grandbaby to be safe & taken care of I paid all of their living exp for the last 3 yrs. They both have addiction to opiates & were on a program rec suboxen to which they had a problem with that & added other meds to that. They would have fights when one of them thought the other was getting more. When they finally got enough pain she had her parents pay for her to go to rehab. She filed false A&B charges against my son before she left & police issued warrant for his arrest. I was the only one in his home when she lied & had police come out, they never took statement from me or my sister who was also there & had done what I told her & took my son away from house so nothing happened she lied said he was there till police were called & while she was on the phone with dispatch she grabbed the baby from my arms threw him in his room & held door shut with him screaming & crying for me to help him begging his mom not to hold the door let him out. She never would let me get the baby instead held door shut & started screaming "stop hitting me" over & over. Police arrived I begged them to let me get my grandbaby & comfort him from his mom traumatizing him & they made me go outside wouldn't let me come back in. Then the officer came out asked me to leave she didn't want me there & didn't want a statement. I begged them again to let me have the baby they threatened to arrest me. A month later charges were filed against my son for a&b to arrest him & hold with no bond. When she got out of rehab she & her mom came & took my grandbaby away moved 2 hrs away & told my son that the baby would stay with her mother for awhile until they both got their lives together. My son can't get hired with active warrant. His ex left their baby in the care of her mother & moved in with a guy she met while in rehab about 1 1/2 hrs away. We finally got to see the baby after he had been gone almost 3 months. He has never been apart from his daddy he's taken care of him very well since the day he was born, she never could take care of him because she always had some fake medical disorder. we got to go get the baby one weekend the first of Nov. had to take him back on sunday with him begging & crying to not take him back he wanted to say with his daddy & me. We told him that we had to share him with mommy but in 2 weeks it would be our turn to see him & he made his daddy promise to come get him from school..when it came the week to pick him up, his grandmother said she was busy and we couldn't come get him, then the next day said he moved away with his mom & her boyfriend. She refuses to let my son talk to him on the phone, see him, know of his whereabouts, who

SeparatedDads Editor 29/10/2015 at 11:26 am

If your ex has denied you access then it would simply be a matter of getting in touch with her and saying you would like to regain contact with your children. If your ex refuses, then you could either suggest mediation, or apply for a contact order through the courts. Please see article: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, link here which I hope helps.

willie 28/10/2015 at 11:37 am

me and my ex of 10 years split in 2012 have 4 kids with her she lost my 5th baby when wee split my best friend then moved in got her pregnant instantly and got married now a haven't seen my little boy since he was 3 and is now 6 and his 3 big sisters aswell only other problem is they live in York England and a live in Dundee Scotland now and to be honest a aint even got a clue where to start plz help any1 ?????

stebhead 15/07/2014 at 3:46 pm

today is a difficult day for me, I have not seen my son since he was two yrs old,,, his mother has made all contact impossible and today he turns 16 yrs old...... his step brother tried to make contact with him but this was intercepted by my ex who stopped all means of communication. In the short chat they did have it was clear that my sons mind has been poisoned against me.... I hope one day he is curious enough to seek me out but have to resign myself to the fact that I may never see him again...

Adam 29/05/2014 at 6:10 pm

I have a court order set up but my kids apparently don't want to see me. I have tried to speak to them but they never answer the phone. I also have sent birthday cards to their school just so they can have them. Unfortunately I don't have an address to where they live and because if that I can't take court action. Or can I? Please help I need to see my kids.

asi 17/05/2014 at 11:20 pm

My ex decided to take me to court because I decided I want to also spend time with our daughter weekends and he can get her now every second week. Also he is instable and I do not allow her to sleep over there weeknds because of tht. Am I within my rights?

Ant 02/08/2012 at 4:10 am

Bin 6wks my xgf has not recieved mediator letter she has to recieve this b 4 I can get legal aid thn if she does not reply after ten days thy make a court date,like I said bin almost 7wks surely she should had mediater letter by now

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