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How to Get to See My Kids and Help Other Separated Dads

By: Emma Jones - Updated: 24 Jul 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
How To Get To See My Kids And Help Other Separated Dads

Q.

I feel let down buy all the people I contact. My solicitor won't go any further until she gets legal aid and I haven't seen my children for nearly two months. I have been told it could be another month before she can apply for the aid.

Where does a father go from here? We should be able to have responsibility for our children - we are not here JUST to bring them into the world and then leave. We want to play an active role in their development.

I would like to go to college and gain some qualifications that will enable me to help fathers in distress, as we all suffer from being on our own. What are the best steps I can take to help myself and other dads in this situation? Is there something I could learn about in college that would be useful? I really need to get help with my problem with my ex so I can help others in a similar situation and reassure them that they are not alone.

(M.J, 20 April 2009)

A.

As a father you are setting a good example by wanting to fix problems with your ex and be able to see your children regularly. Unfortunately, the legal system can be slow to sort things out and this can be very frustrating for you, especially when you are unable to see your children in the meantime.

Ultimately, it is still the best route to go down in order to secure your Rights To Visitation and to play an active part in your children’s upbringings, but there are other steps you can take. The legal system is there for good reason and does play an important role in securing fathers’ rights, but is not the only solution.

You do not say what your relationship with your ex is like but you may want to consider asking her to attend some Mediation Sessions with you. You both need to work hard to put your children first and Find A Way To Communicate With Each Other. By agreeing to visit a mediator it gives you both a chance to express your feelings and opinions and to try to understand each other a bit better. You are always going to have a relationship because of your children so the smoother this can be, the better.

This may also be the best route for you to go down in order to help other fathers. Most men who are dealing with this kind of situation have a lot of emotions to deal with and could really do with someone to talk to. As someone who has experienced it, you would be in a great position to help them. There are many counselling and mediation courses available, either through your local college, private classes or distance learning that would be a great start.

Another thing to consider would be for you to visit a support group or talk to other men who are dealing with Visitation issues. There are a number of Internet forums and also groups that meet in person. As well as helping other men, you need to feel that you are not alone and it would probably help you to talk to other fathers who have dealt with the same thing. Why not read up about your rights as a separated dad here.

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Thank you for your advice, understanding, support and guidance in relation to this very emotive matter.
GodlyG - 24-Jul-17 @ 11:02 AM
GodlyG - Your Question:
I was unlawfully evicted from my mortgaged home, on 31st August 2014 by my former spouse. having been subjected to harassment and threats over a sustained period of time,This home is jointly owned by my former spouse and myself. She has refused to allow me to see my two daughters aged 12 & 15 respectively. My ex-wife has committed innumerable amounts of fraud and identity theft against me for some time pretending that we are still married and have moved to the same address!! She has even taken out a Child Maintenance Service Order as some form of revenge in order to solicit money from me, everything she does when it comes to me is to try to solicit money from me if it's not through having the utility company send debt letters, it the Council Tax now the CMS. This situation goes beyond belief!! What advice, guidance, support or direction can you give?Thank you for your advice on the above, whilst I appreciate your comments I should have said that it is not me that has been harassing her it's the other way round. Also I had forgotten to say that she did not need to contact the Child Maintenance Service as she receives over £1000.00 per month of rental income from a property which I should be receiving half of that sum namely £500.00 therefore being as she has kept my share for herself she should have spent the matter on my child, therefore I am perfectly justified to state that she should never have contacted the CMS unless it's a matter of revenge and no I have never buried my head in the sand, try understanding a dramatic change of live which has been foisted upon you suddenly then you'd have been more understanding with your comment. I am not asking you to agree with me whatsoever, as the saying goes he who feels it knows it!!

Our Response:
Unless your ex agrees to mediation to sort out your financial issues, then your only recourse is family arbitration or court. Family arbitration is a method of dispute resolution in which a third party makes a decision about your finances when your relationship has ended. You may wish to consider arbitration if you have been unable to come to a mutual decision through discussions with your ex or through collaborative law, mediation or negotiations between lawyers. Similar to a judge in court, a family arbitrator ensures relevant facts and pieces of evidence are collected in order to make a decision based on this evidence. The arbitrator will also consider your views on what the outcome should be, as well as those of your ex. The arbitrator’s final decision is a binding ruling. The comment was about how if 'both' of you bury your head in the sand by avoiding trying to sort such issues, this is where such issues can spiral out of control. The comment was not aimed at your personally - but as general advice for you to seek some professional guidance regarding how you can try to get the matter under control, especially if you think your ex is taking advantage of the situation.
SeparatedDads - 20-Jul-17 @ 12:43 PM
Just one further point you have also failed to see that the reason wife my former spouse unlawfully evicted me from my own home was so that she could become the "receiving parent" and I would be the "paying parent" i don't know how you could not see the link. That is why I would never pay a penny in relation to this matter as i have always paid for my children's wants and needs and for you to say that she is correct to apply for the order is tantamount to agreeing with some women of who exploit the CMS for their own ends as a means of extortion. The CMS hate fathers period and the sooner it is exposed the better, the CMS is not about the child or the children it's solely about money billions of it.
GodlyG - 19-Jul-17 @ 1:03 PM
I was unlawfully evicted from my mortgaged home, on 31st August 2014 by my former spouse. having been subjected to harassment and threats over a sustained period of time,This home is jointly owned by my former spouse and myself. She has refused to allow me to see my two daughters aged 12 & 15 respectively. My ex-wife has committed innumerable amounts of fraud and identity theft against me for some time pretending that we are still married and have moved to the same address!! She has even taken out a Child Maintenance Service Order as some form of revenge in order to solicit money from me, everything she does when it comes to me is to try to solicit money from me if it's not through having the utility company send debt letters, it the Council Tax now the CMS. This situation goes beyond belief!! What advice, guidance, support or direction can you give? Thank you for your advice on the above, whilst I appreciate your comments i should have said that it is not me that has been harassing her it's the other way round. Also I had forgotten to say that she did not need to contact the Child Maintenance Service as she receives over £1000.00 per month of rental income from a property which I should be receiving half of that sum namely £500.00 therefore being as she has kept my share for herself she should have spent the matter on my child, therefore I am perfectly justified to state that she should never have contacted the CMS unless it's a matter of revenge and no I have never buried my head in the sand, try understanding a dramatic change of live which has been foisted upon you suddenly then you'd have been more understanding with your comment. I am not asking you to agree with me whatsoever, as the saying goes he who feels it knows it!!
GodlyG - 19-Jul-17 @ 12:45 PM
GodlyG - Your Question:
I was unlawfully evicted from my mortgaged home, on 31st August 2014 by my former spouse. having been subjected to harassment and threats over a sustained period of time,This home is jointly owned by my former spouse and myself. She has refused to allow me to see my two daughters aged 12 & 15 respectively.My ex-wife has committed innumerable amounts of fraud and identity theft against me for some time pretending that we are still married and have moved to the same address!!She has even taken out a Child Maintenance Service Order as some form of revenge in order to solicit money from me, everything she does when it comes to me is to try to solicit money from me if it's not through having the utility company send debt letters, it the Council Tax now the CMS. This situation goes beyond belief!!What advice, guidance, support or direction can you give?

Our Response:
Firstly, with regards to CMS, as the father of your children you are legally responsible for supporting them financially and your ex has every right to apply for child maintenance. This is entirely separate from any other financial issue you may have with your ex. If you feel you have been subjected to fraudulent activity via your ex, then you would have to report this to the police. If you have separated and both or you are unable to come to an agreement with regards to who pays the mortgage and/or bills on the house you jointly own as well as access to the children, then mediation is the way forward, please see link here. It is easy to ignore such issues or to react against them, but by both you and your ex burying your head in the sand and not attempting to deal with them rationally, then such issues can spiral out of control. If your ex refuses to attend mediation, then you can apply to court for contact to your children. If you have an harassment order against you, you may wish to seek legal advice in order to explore your best options.
SeparatedDads - 18-Jul-17 @ 11:11 AM
I was unlawfully evicted from my mortgaged home, on 31st August 2014 by my former spouse. having been subjected to harassment and threats over a sustained period of time,This home is jointly owned by my former spouse and myself. She has refused to allow me to see my two daughters aged 12 & 15 respectively. My ex-wife has committed innumerable amounts of fraud and identity theft against me for some time pretending that we are still married and have moved to the same address!! She has even taken out a Child Maintenance Service Order as some form of revenge in order to solicit money from me, everything she does when it comes to me is to try to solicit money from me if it's not through having the utility company send debt letters, it the Council Tax now the CMS. This situation goes beyond belief!! What advice, guidance, support or direction can you give?
GodlyG - 17-Jul-17 @ 4:36 PM
I have tried for the last 13 years with my kids my ex wife didn't take the split all that well,and she surely poisend there little minds me and my daughter has a baby of her own now I asked my daughter through Facebook and she said you chose drink over them I drank on a Saturday at home I was working 70/80 hours a week to give my kids what they wanted nice house and so on my wife was always accusing me of cheating all the time which wasn't true I woke one Sunday with her roaring and shouting at the kids again I got up out if bed an started to pack after texting my boss as he was renting flats so I took one went down the stairs while she was still roaring she saw the case and she said what do you think your doing I turned and said I have had enough of your arrogant manner so I'm leaving both kids were crying saying dad don't go I said I love yous so much my daughter begged me I want to come with you are mother said let him go he will be back I cuddle both kids and I will love you for everI can't go on with writing any thing else folk as would you turn the clocks back with a different women and still have cracking kids
Dezer - 27-Jun-17 @ 2:28 PM
Anonymous- Your Question:
My fiancé lost contact with his son when he was 2 months old do to not qualifying for legal aid and his ex taking his son away. His son is now 8 and we have just had a son and believe he has the right to know his brother. Both the boys do. Is there anything we can do?

Our Response:
Yes. Your fiancé has the right to request access to his child. If he cannot afford legal fees he can self-litigate, please see link here . However, in the first instance he would have to suggest mediation to the mother of his child in order to try to resolve the issue informally. If she refuses, then court would have to be the next option. A solicitor's letter requesting contact may also be an option. Your partner may have to accept that if granted contact it may be supervised to begin with and will hopefully lead to a more relaxed contact arrangement when familiarity and trust is built up.
SeparatedDads - 16-Jun-17 @ 2:06 PM
My fiancé lost contact with his son when he was 2 months old do to not qualifying for legal aid and his ex taking his son away. His son is now 8 and we have just had a son and believe he has the right to know his brother. Both the boys do. Is there anything we can do?
Anonymous - 2-Jun-17 @ 12:20 PM
caitlin lamb - Your Question:
My brother lives with his dad and we haven't seen him in past three months so it like he stop us from havin getting contact all together so when we ring up to get him they always have an excuse but it not only effecting me butility it effect my brother and sisteras well.

Our Response:
If your father is stopping access of your brother, your mother would have to apply to attend mediation to try to resolve the issue. Or, if he refuses to attend mediation, apply take the matter to court to gain access of your brother via a court order.
SeparatedDads - 24-May-17 @ 2:26 PM
My brother lives with his dad and we haven't seen him in past three months so it like he stop us from havin getting contact all together so when we ring up to get him they always have an excuse but it not only effecting me butility it effect my brother and sisteras well.
caitlin lamb - 20-May-17 @ 1:10 AM
Please help me my wife has taken my son , I haven't seen him for 6 months.
Thivi - 3-May-17 @ 10:16 AM
Please help me I haven't seen my child in 6 months my wife has taken him away from me.
Thivi - 3-May-17 @ 10:13 AM
xandy - Your Question:
What rights does my partner have to see my children if I was to pass away?Recently, I have found out I have high blood pressure and a few other health issues. Nothing major, but enough to get the conversation going of 'what would happen to the kids if I passed away?" Their dad has them 2 nights and 3 days a week, but we are about to have talks to reduce and change this as his severe physical disability-muscular dystrophy-and mental health issues (psychosis and personality disorders) and the side effects of the medications for those are making it likely that he will be more and more unable to care for the boys in the years to come, and it is likely he will pass away early, too. My partner has been in our lives and lived with us for the past 5 years, and we are a family of our own. The kids have a different but important relationship to the ones they have with me or their dad with him. Mix of uncle, big brother, and teacher. While I'm here, he is a step parent that has stepped up. If their dad were to pass away, or become too ill to see them one on one, just for short visits etc, then my partner is there to fill in that role of support that they will need. He'll never be dad, but he is a big someone looking out for them. If I were to pass away, they could not safely live with their dad now, let alone in the future. My family would step up and take my boys in to live with them. As it is a real reality, my mum has purposefully bought herself a house the boys can live in if they needed to.I would want them to keep the relationship with their dad if I were not to be here. If my family were to object - grief does do funny things to people, and discrimination against mental and physical health is not uncommon in the world - he can at least pursue a legal challenge to continue access as their dad. It might be accompanied access or something rubbish, but he'd still have them in his life. I was wondering though, would my partner have any right whatsoever to see them again? He is a big part of their lives, and they are a big part of his. If I were to pass away, would he lose his whole family? Would they lose him?

Our Response:
You can set up a guardianship order in your will. A guardian is an individual who is charged with the responsibility of looking after your child/children in the event of your death. Any adult of your choosing can be a guardian to your child/children. This can be a close family friend with whom the child/children already have a bond with, or a family member not already directly involved in their care, such as parents or an aunt or uncle. It is important to take into account beforehand the relationship the child/children has with the person or persons you intend to appoint as their guardian. should any unforeseen circumstances occur - it is obviously important to inform the person/s you wish to be guardian/s. It is something that requires a lot of contemplation and discussion before a decision is reached. If you do wish to appoint guardians then your last will and testament should reflect this. You must include, in as much detail as you can, the reasons why you wish your designated guardian/s to take on the role of caring for your children. It is important to ensure that you clarify your reasons for making this choice so that there can be no confusion over your mental and emotional state at the time of making the will. You must also ensure that once the last will and testament has been drafted or redrafted depending on the circumstances that the person or persons you have chosen to be your children’s legal guardian/s do not sign the will as a witness. This is what is known as a ‘conflict of interest’ and as such can lead to the will being contested. You should be aware that if a will with details of guardianship is contested then Social Services are legally obliged to step in and either; (a) make a recommendation for guardianship themselves or (b) remove your children into foster care until such times as the conditions of the will have been clarified. If you are in any doubt as to how to go about making these provisions in your will you should speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law and they will be able to give you all the help and advice you need. With regards to your ex, if he has parental responsibility he will also have a say in your children's upbringing. This is why you should specify your wishes and if you can decide this between you and your ex then this will be of benefit all round. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 4-Apr-17 @ 11:01 AM
What rights does my partner have to see my children if I was to pass away? Recently, I have found out I have high blood pressure and a few other health issues. Nothing major, but enough to get the conversation going of 'what would happen to the kids if I passed away?" Their dad has them 2 nights and 3 days a week, but we are about to have talks to reduce and change this as his severe physical disability-muscular dystrophy-and mental health issues (psychosis and personality disorders) and the side effects of the medications for those are making it likely that he will be more and more unable to care for the boys in the years to come, and it is likely he will pass away early, too. My partner has been in our lives and lived with us for the past 5 years, and we are a family of our own. The kids have a different but important relationship to the ones they have with me or their dad with him. Mix of uncle, big brother, and teacher. While I'm here, he is a step parent that has stepped up. If their dad were to pass away, or become too ill to see them one on one, just for short visits etc, then my partner is there to fill in that role of support that they will need. He'll never be dad, but he is a big someone looking out for them. If I were to pass away, they could not safely live with their dad now, let alone in the future. My family would step up and take my boys in to live with them. As it is a real reality, my mum has purposefully bought herself a house the boys can live in if they needed to. I would want them to keep the relationship with their dad if I were not to be here. If my family were to object - grief does do funny things to people, and discrimination against mental and physical health is not uncommon in the world - he can at least pursue a legal challenge to continue access as their dad. It might be accompanied access or something rubbish, but he'd still have them in his life. I was wondering though, would my partner have any right whatsoever to see them again? He is a big part of their lives, and they are a big part of his. If I were to pass away, would he lose his whole family? Would they lose him?
xandy - 3-Apr-17 @ 4:53 PM
continued from my post below.. we ended the call. Her mother then calls me saying i had told her partner "a pack of lies" i told her it was the truth but she is just as irrational as her daughter. They were both very abusive to me on the phone. I do not know what my ex has said to them but they have informed me that upon advice from social services, they have been instructed not to let the children stay at my house, and that i can only see the kids at their house with their supervision??? i have contacted social services only to be told that they can't give me any information other than to seek legal advice for access to my kids. I don't know what to do with my ex, i live in constant fear of her and its making my life unbearable? What dod i do? i just want to be there for my kids.
dave - 17-Feb-17 @ 8:30 PM
I am at the point where i can't deal with my ex anymore, the pressure and the strain of trying not to upset her so i can see my kids is wearing me out. Ever since my children have been born they have been used unfairly against me. At first when they were babies i couldn't deal the mental abuse i was constantly under and i am ashamed to say i pushed her once and i got arrested. No charges were pressed. After this she got very physical with me whenever we argued digging nails in to me, pulling my hair when ever she got angry with me. She would get hysterical in front of the kids every time so id had to leave. She would tell people i walk out on her and the kids, not explaining the reasons why i would have to leave. During this time i was isolated from my friends and family. i used to never charge my phone for fear of someone calling me, this would usually start a massive argument which would result in me not seeing my kids for weeks. I became very isolated with no one to talk to. We have been separated for 3 years and i have been able to have the kids at my house every weekend without fail and i paid her maintenance without fail for this whole period. i became unemployed last june and have since enrolled on an access course and i will hopefully be starting at university September. this has put a financial strain on her too as i simply cannot afford to pay the maintenance i have been paying. I have been struggling with time for my dog and my ex is always snooping into my business, she insisted on having the dog for me for a while and although i knew i shouldn't as this would lead to trouble i agreed. Now my ex has an apparent illness that causes her to be bed ridden with fatigue, i do not dispute that but i hear from friends and her own admission that she is in the pub every weekend.. i have no problem with this other than she is always ill when the kids are in her care, but she never uses the weekend (where she is miraculously never having a tired spell) to rest up for the kids to be in her care over the week. This means i am constantly being called over to play with and bath the kids and put them to bed, its a strain financially because they live 15 miles away and i do 3 to 4 trips a week. Back to the dog, i was called the other day to get the dog because she was tired which was fine, she also was being very abusive towards me over money. so as you can imagine when i got there i did not want to speak to her. when she tried to talk to me i told her this and she burst in to tears, i mean sobbing like she had learnt a relative had died. I asked if someone was coming over as she clearly could not look after the kids and she sobbed yes, so i left. 2 hours later i receive a call from my exes mothers boyfriend, i answered to a man asking me if i... "know who this is" in a very threatening way. i said yes i know and asked if he would like to meet up? he then submissively asked me what has been going on?... i explained, he apologised and we ended the c
dave - 17-Feb-17 @ 8:22 PM
Nojustice - Your Question:
Me and my ex have broken up to her being a junkie.did I know.no was I aware no.I was always told it was the vallium the doctor perscribed that was causing her to be unstable.falling asleep in her food etc.I made a complaint to social services so I could seek advice.eventually they intervened and started proceeding for help.that was 3 yrs ago.nothing changed as they are clueless to what really goes on my eyes have been opened to all the tricks they pull.even urine samples. Which she got from her son and her daughter.January 2017 mother was taken to hospital after drug overdose.they asked were the father was she told them she had no idea. But yet I was only 10 doors away on the same street !hey the social services believe everything she says to them.and yet I have no record of theft drugs violence.nothing but yet she has a huge history of all.and she has contact still with my son. She recently went to court again for shoplifting using my son in his pram to do her dirty deeds.so she could buy more smack.were do I stand.well let me tell.I stand on the sidelines hoping and praying that nothing happens to my son.while these so called teams of experts.carry on in this pity full game of there's to get paid every month.

Our Response:
Have you taken the matter to court? This is the route you will need to take if you wish to have access to your kids. Cafcass will get involved and a report will be written, then you will be able to have your say, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 9-Feb-17 @ 11:41 AM
Me and my ex have broken up to her being a junkie.did I know .no was I aware no .I was always told it was the vallium the doctor perscribed that was causing her to be unstable .falling asleep in her food etc.I made a complaint to social services so I could seek advice .eventually they intervened and started proceeding for help .that was 3 yrs ago .nothing changed as they are clueless to what really goes on my eyes have been opened to all the tricks they pull.even urine samples. Which she got from her son and her daughter. .January 2017 mother was taken to hospital after drug overdose.they asked were the father was she told them she had no idea. But yet i was only 10 doors away on the same street !hey the social services believe everything she says to them .and yet i have no record of theft drugs violence .nothing but yet she has a huge history of all .and she has contact still with my son. She recently went to court again for shoplifting using my son in his pram to do her dirty deeds .so she could buy more smack .were do I stand .well let me tell .I stand on the sidelines hoping and praying that nothing happens to my son .while these so called teams of experts .carry on in this pity full game of there's to get paid every month.
Nojustice - 8-Feb-17 @ 3:22 PM
Miss them so much - Your Question:
I have 2 boys aged 1 and 2 me and my wife had a massive bust up 3 months ago I have apologised to her countless times I really do love her with all my heart she was the one but never mind that's life for you she couldn't put up with a few of my shortcomings and I would have forgiven her for trying kill me I haven't just lost my kids I lost my soul mate I found out that she never really loved me if she's happy hurting me so much then she could have never really loved me I have tried everything I know that makes me look even more needy but what else could I have done I kno in my heart she wants to divorce me and move on but she wants me to give her the divorce so she can save face we belong to the backward religion of Islam well I don't I'm an atheist so it's ok for her to fill my boys head up with ridiculous nonesense about flying horse and heaven and hell and I can't teach my kids about reason and logic and not believing ridiculous things which have been proven wrong many times she doesn't even text me wen I text to ask about the kids this woman who hates me the most at one time loved me the most how come it's ok when the lady falls out of love for no reason it just hurt she didn't even fight for me and I would have fought the whole world for her I don't know why I'm posting this I know what I need I need to become wealthy so then the laws of the court can be in my favour I'm just writing this to ease my pain slightly I have contacted my solicitor but it's such a long and unfair process

Our Response:
I am very sorry to hear this and you are not alone in feeling like this. First please see: Checklist: the Emotional Stages After Separation here and the rest of the 'emotional' pages in the series which should help you see that what you are feeling is natural. Our Separated Dads forum will help you further get advice from dads who have been through the same or similar issues and come out the other side here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 31-Jan-17 @ 3:03 PM
I have 2 boys aged 1 and 2 me and my wife had a massive bust up 3 months ago I have apologised to her countless times I really do love her with all my heart she was the one but never mind that's life for you she couldn't put up with a few of my shortcomings and I would have forgiven her for trying kill me I haven't just lost my kids I lost my soul mate I found out that she never really loved me if she's happy hurting me so much then she could have never really loved me I have tried everything I know that makes me look even more needy but what else could I have done I kno in my heart she wants to divorce me and move on but she wants me to give her the divorce so she can save face we belong to the backward religion of Islam well I don't I'm an atheist so it's ok for her to fill my boys head up with ridiculous nonesense about flying horse and heaven and hell and I can't teach my kids about reason and logic and not believing ridiculous things which have been proven wrong many times she doesn't even text me wen I text to ask about the kids this woman who hates me the most at one time loved me the most how come it's ok when the lady falls out of love for no reason it just hurt she didn't even fight for me and I would have fought the whole world for her I don't know why I'm posting this I know what I need I need to become wealthy so then the laws of the court can be in my favour I'm just writing this to ease my pain slightly I have contacted my solicitor but it's such a long and unfair process
Miss them so much - 31-Jan-17 @ 1:16 PM
CMatth - Your Question:
Hi, I need any help that anyone can give, I have 3 children with my ex wife, boys aged 17, 13 and 8. we share joint custody and I pay on time every week maintenance into her bank account. MY ex wife considers the 8 year old boy to still be the baby, she constantly calls him this and I feel she also mollycoddles him. Myself and my wife bought bikes for the 2 youngest and my stepson who's 14 for Christmas, we let my stepson and 13 year old son go where they wish on their bikes, however we let my 8 year old, under our supervision, ride his bike along a cycle path to the sea front near our house. After a few occasions where he knew we were watching him, he asked to go out on his own along the route that he had taken, we allowed him to and told him that we would trust him to go on his own, what he didn't know was that we would be keeping a eye on him out of his sight so that he thought he was alone, yet all the time we could see him. it was 1pm, he had on a helmet on, a bright jacket and his bike had lights on, we watched him across the one road he would have to cross to get to the cycle path. This cycle path is not anywhere near any roads. after dropping the boys back to their mum, she has refused to allow the 8 year old to come near me as she feels that I have put his safety at risk by allowing him to go out on his mountain bike, yet she is allowing my 13 year old to come over as normal, when I picked them up on Friday, she locked her front door and would not let me even speak to my 8 year old and this evening when I dropped my 13 year back, she again refused me access to my 8 year son. What I need to know is does she have any legal right to stop access when I have not done anything wrong, I have joint custody, have never missed any child maintenance payments and also have never missed any of my weekends that I am due to have the children.

Our Response:
Hopefully, this will blow over naturally as your ex's anger subsides. Plus, your eight-year-old will invariably want to see you and wonder why he is being punished, especially if the older siblings are allowed. However, if your ex decides to withhold access again, then I can only suggest you seek legal advice about taking the matter to either mediation or via court, please see link here. Sometimes a solicitor's letter outlining your rights may be suffice to get things back on track. If not, you would have to take the matter further.
SeparatedDads - 23-Jan-17 @ 2:32 PM
Hi, i need any help that anyone can give, I have 3 children with my ex wife, boys aged 17, 13 and 8. we share joint custody and I pay on time every week maintenance into her bank account. MY ex wife considers the 8 year old boy to still be the baby, she constantly calls him this and I feel she also mollycoddles him. Myself and my wife bought bikes for the 2 youngest and my stepson who's 14 for Christmas, we let my stepson and 13 year old son go where they wish on their bikes, however we let my 8 year old, under our supervision, ride his bike along a cycle path to the sea front near our house. After a few occasions where he knew we were watching him, he asked to go out on his own along the route that he had taken, we allowed him to and told him that we would trust him to go on his own, what he didn't know was that we would be keeping a eye on him out of his sight so that he thought he was alone, yet all the time we could see him. it was 1pm, he had on a helmet on, a bright jacket and his bike had lights on, we watched him across the one road he would have to cross to get to the cycle path. This cycle path is not anywhere near any roads. after dropping the boys back to their mum, she has refused to allow the 8 year old to come near me as she feels that I have put his safety at risk by allowing him to go out on his mountain bike,yet she is allowing my 13 year old to come over as normal, when I picked them up on Friday, she locked her front door and would not let me even speak to my 8 year old and this evening when I dropped my 13 year back, she again refused me access to my 8 year son. What I need to know is does she have any legal right to stop access when I have not done anything wrong, I have joint custody, have never missed any child maintenance payments and also have never missed any of my weekends that I am due to have the children.
CMatth - 22-Jan-17 @ 7:06 PM
Matt - Your Question:
HelloMy son is 5 and a half.My ex girlfriend is on drugs with her new partner.She contacted the CSA who wrote to me and I called them back straight away with all the information they requested.She has refused me access to see my son because of a maintainance issue. if the CSA are taking money from me then I can't afford to send her money that was agreed and pay twice. my son is suffering and I need a bit of help please. disgusting

Our Response:
Child maintenance and child access have no bearing on each other, meaning just because there is a child maintenance issue you should not be stopped from seeing your son. Please see link: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here which will advise further. I hope you manage to resolve this issue soon.
SeparatedDads - 10-Jan-17 @ 12:49 PM
Hello My son is 5 and a half. My ex girlfriend is on drugs with her new partner. She contacted the CSA who wrote to me and I called them back straight away with all the information they requested. She has refused me access to see my son because of a maintainance issue .. if the CSA are taking money from me then I can't afford to send her money that was agreed and pay twice .. my son is suffering and I need a bit of help please .. disgusting
Matt - 9-Jan-17 @ 6:52 PM
Lynzy - Your Question:
Advise needed please. We have a constant battle with my fiancè ex girlfriend. They have a son together and we see him 1 to 2 nights a week. When she allows us. He pays his maintenance every week. However he recently became redundant and therefore didn have the income to pay his maintenance let alone bills. She is saying he needs to back date it but how can he when he wasnt earning an income. We ourselves have 2 children and have been on the Gov website which states now our second child is here her maintenance will go down. Is this correct? They made a maintenance agreement between themselves and he has never broken it only when he wasnt working and paid her £1 a week to keep her bank details for when he was working again. She is abusive and a nasty person in general. She stops us seeing him all the time more so when my fiancè is ou of work because she doesnt get money. Do we have any rights to have him stay with us longer periods of time as my fiance is on the birth certificate?

Our Response:
Firstly, child maintenance and whether your fiancè can see his child are not connected (meaning his ex cannot use the fact your partner is not paying child maintenance to stop access). If this is the case, your fiancè can apply for a C100 contact order through the courts. With regards to whether your fiancè should be paying child maintenance; if he was paying child maintenance through Child Maintenance Services, then the answer would be no, as child maintenance is based upon the non-resident parent's earnings and if he is no longer earning, then he would be seen as exempt. However, if he has a family-based arrangement then it would be up to your fiancè and his ex to decide between them. When your fiancè was earning and if he paid through the CMS, then your second child would be taken into consideration and payments adjusted accordingly. The best way to see what your fiancè should be paying (or should be paying if he was earning) is via the CMS calculator here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 4-Jan-17 @ 11:11 AM
Advise needed please. We have a constant battle with my fiancè ex girlfriend. They have a son together and we see him 1 to 2 nights a week. When she allows us. He pays his maintenance every week. However he recently became redundant and therefore didn have the income to pay his maintenance let alone bills. She is saying he needs to back date it but how can he when he wasnt earning an income. We ourselves have 2 children and have been on the Gov website which states now our second child is here her maintenance will go down. Is this correct? They made a maintenance agreement between themselves and he has never broken it only when he wasnt working and paid her £1 a week to keep her bank details for when he was working again. She is abusive and a nasty person in general. She stops us seeing him all the time more so when my fiancè is ou of work because she doesnt get money. Do we have any rights to have him stay with us longer periods of time as my fiance is on the birth certificate?
Lynzy - 3-Jan-17 @ 12:46 PM
BB - Your Question:
Please I need help, I have not seen my daughter over 2 years. My ex-wife took my daughter away and I never heard from them. I could not do anything because I had to leave the country because my visa expired. I filed for divorce back in the country we got married and got divorced. I am back in the uk now with my new partner and I do want to know the steps to take to get rights to see my daughter.I was able to trace where she lives now but I want to know the necessary steps to take so I dont lose both ways.PLEASE HELP!!!!

Our Response:
You would have to apply to the courts for a C100 contact order, please see link here . If you cannot trace your children, you can also fill in a C4 form which is an application for an order for disclosure of a child's whereabouts and the courts will put a trace on your children, so you can apply for access.
SeparatedDads - 14-Dec-16 @ 2:15 PM
aud- Your Question:
Hi My partner has 2 girls from his relationship prior to me, she hates me as blames me for relationship breakdown even though it was over before we got together, my partner initially could see his kids whenever he wanted, now she us stopping him unless he ends it with me or very least I am kept away from his kids, which will be difficult soon as moving in together as he currently stays with his mum and dad, I am good person, good job with a child of my own, she is also harassing me at work and spreading gossip about me around the town I work in which is where she stays, my partner is withholding the £100 plus he normally gives her per month and putting aside until he gets to see his kids again.Any advice on how we go forward would be great?

Our Response:
If your partner's ex is denying him access, then he should firstly suggest mediation to his ex in order to try and resolve the matter informally and if she refuses, your partner would have to apply to court via a C100 contact form, please see gov.uk link here. In addition he could bolt on a Specific Issue Order, please see link here. This would address the issue of his ex refusing you contact with your partner's children. The court will always decide what it thinks is in the best interests of the children and if there is no concrete reason why both he or you should be denied contact to his children, then the court will award him the order which his ex would have to adhere to. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 13-Dec-16 @ 11:11 AM
Hi My partner has 2 girls from his relationship prior to me, she hates me as blames me for relationship breakdown even though it was over before we got together, my partner initially could see his kids wheneverhe wanted, now she us stopping him unless he ends it with me or very least I am kept away from his kids, which will be difficult soon as moving in together as he currently stays with his mum and dad, I am good person, good job with a child of my own, she is also harassing me at work and spreading gossip about me around the town I work in which is where she stays, my partner is withholding the £100 plus he normally gives her per month and putting aside until he gets to see his kids again. Any advice on how we go forward would be great?
aud - 12-Dec-16 @ 11:08 AM
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