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How to Get to See My Kids and Help Other Separated Dads

By: Emma Jones - Updated: 20 May 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
How To Get To See My Kids And Help Other Separated Dads

Q.

I feel let down buy all the people I contact. My solicitor won't go any further until she gets legal aid and I haven't seen my children for nearly two months. I have been told it could be another month before she can apply for the aid.

Where does a father go from here? We should be able to have responsibility for our children - we are not here JUST to bring them into the world and then leave. We want to play an active role in their development.

I would like to go to college and gain some qualifications that will enable me to help fathers in distress, as we all suffer from being on our own. What are the best steps I can take to help myself and other dads in this situation? Is there something I could learn about in college that would be useful? I really need to get help with my problem with my ex so I can help others in a similar situation and reassure them that they are not alone.

(M.J, 20 April 2009)

A.

As a father you are setting a good example by wanting to fix problems with your ex and be able to see your children regularly. Unfortunately, the legal system can be slow to sort things out and this can be very frustrating for you, especially when you are unable to see your children in the meantime.

Ultimately, it is still the best route to go down in order to secure your Rights To Visitation and to play an active part in your children’s upbringings, but there are other steps you can take. The legal system is there for good reason and does play an important role in securing fathers’ rights, but is not the only solution.

You do not say what your relationship with your ex is like but you may want to consider asking her to attend some Mediation Sessions with you. You both need to work hard to put your children first and Find A Way To Communicate With Each Other. By agreeing to visit a mediator it gives you both a chance to express your feelings and opinions and to try to understand each other a bit better. You are always going to have a relationship because of your children so the smoother this can be, the better.

This may also be the best route for you to go down in order to help other fathers. Most men who are dealing with this kind of situation have a lot of emotions to deal with and could really do with someone to talk to. As someone who has experienced it, you would be in a great position to help them. There are many counselling and mediation courses available, either through your local college, private classes or distance learning that would be a great start.

Another thing to consider would be for you to visit a support group or talk to other men who are dealing with Visitation issues. There are a number of Internet forums and also groups that meet in person. As well as helping other men, you need to feel that you are not alone and it would probably help you to talk to other fathers who have dealt with the same thing. Why not read up about your rights as a separated dad here.

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My brother lives with his dad and we haven't seen him in past three months so it like he stop us from havin getting contact all together so when we ring up to get him they always have an excuse but it not only effecting me butility it effect my brother and sisteras well.
caitlin lamb - 20-May-17 @ 1:10 AM
Please help me my wife has taken my son , I haven't seen him for 6 months.
Thivi - 3-May-17 @ 10:16 AM
Please help me I haven't seen my child in 6 months my wife has taken him away from me.
Thivi - 3-May-17 @ 10:13 AM
xandy - Your Question:
What rights does my partner have to see my children if I was to pass away?Recently, I have found out I have high blood pressure and a few other health issues. Nothing major, but enough to get the conversation going of 'what would happen to the kids if I passed away?" Their dad has them 2 nights and 3 days a week, but we are about to have talks to reduce and change this as his severe physical disability-muscular dystrophy-and mental health issues (psychosis and personality disorders) and the side effects of the medications for those are making it likely that he will be more and more unable to care for the boys in the years to come, and it is likely he will pass away early, too. My partner has been in our lives and lived with us for the past 5 years, and we are a family of our own. The kids have a different but important relationship to the ones they have with me or their dad with him. Mix of uncle, big brother, and teacher. While I'm here, he is a step parent that has stepped up. If their dad were to pass away, or become too ill to see them one on one, just for short visits etc, then my partner is there to fill in that role of support that they will need. He'll never be dad, but he is a big someone looking out for them. If I were to pass away, they could not safely live with their dad now, let alone in the future. My family would step up and take my boys in to live with them. As it is a real reality, my mum has purposefully bought herself a house the boys can live in if they needed to.I would want them to keep the relationship with their dad if I were not to be here. If my family were to object - grief does do funny things to people, and discrimination against mental and physical health is not uncommon in the world - he can at least pursue a legal challenge to continue access as their dad. It might be accompanied access or something rubbish, but he'd still have them in his life. I was wondering though, would my partner have any right whatsoever to see them again? He is a big part of their lives, and they are a big part of his. If I were to pass away, would he lose his whole family? Would they lose him?

Our Response:
You can set up a guardianship order in your will. A guardian is an individual who is charged with the responsibility of looking after your child/children in the event of your death. Any adult of your choosing can be a guardian to your child/children. This can be a close family friend with whom the child/children already have a bond with, or a family member not already directly involved in their care, such as parents or an aunt or uncle. It is important to take into account beforehand the relationship the child/children has with the person or persons you intend to appoint as their guardian. should any unforeseen circumstances occur - it is obviously important to inform the person/s you wish to be guardian/s. It is something that requires a lot of contemplation and discussion before a decision is reached. If you do wish to appoint guardians then your last will and testament should reflect this. You must include, in as much detail as you can, the reasons why you wish your designated guardian/s to take on the role of caring for your children. It is important to ensure that you clarify your reasons for making this choice so that there can be no confusion over your mental and emotional state at the time of making the will. You must also ensure that once the last will and testament has been drafted or redrafted depending on the circumstances that the person or persons you have chosen to be your children’s legal guardian/s do not sign the will as a witness. This is what is known as a ‘conflict of interest’ and as such can lead to the will being contested. You should be aware that if a will with details of guardianship is contested then Social Services are legally obliged to step in and either; (a) make a recommendation for guardianship themselves or (b) remove your children into foster care until such times as the conditions of the will have been clarified. If you are in any doubt as to how to go about making these provisions in your will you should speak to a solicitor who specialises in family law and they will be able to give you all the help and advice you need. With regards to your ex, if he has parental responsibility he will also have a say in your children's upbringing. This is why you should specify your wishes and if you can decide this between you and your ex then this will be of benefit all round. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 4-Apr-17 @ 11:01 AM
What rights does my partner have to see my children if I was to pass away? Recently, I have found out I have high blood pressure and a few other health issues. Nothing major, but enough to get the conversation going of 'what would happen to the kids if I passed away?" Their dad has them 2 nights and 3 days a week, but we are about to have talks to reduce and change this as his severe physical disability-muscular dystrophy-and mental health issues (psychosis and personality disorders) and the side effects of the medications for those are making it likely that he will be more and more unable to care for the boys in the years to come, and it is likely he will pass away early, too. My partner has been in our lives and lived with us for the past 5 years, and we are a family of our own. The kids have a different but important relationship to the ones they have with me or their dad with him. Mix of uncle, big brother, and teacher. While I'm here, he is a step parent that has stepped up. If their dad were to pass away, or become too ill to see them one on one, just for short visits etc, then my partner is there to fill in that role of support that they will need. He'll never be dad, but he is a big someone looking out for them. If I were to pass away, they could not safely live with their dad now, let alone in the future. My family would step up and take my boys in to live with them. As it is a real reality, my mum has purposefully bought herself a house the boys can live in if they needed to. I would want them to keep the relationship with their dad if I were not to be here. If my family were to object - grief does do funny things to people, and discrimination against mental and physical health is not uncommon in the world - he can at least pursue a legal challenge to continue access as their dad. It might be accompanied access or something rubbish, but he'd still have them in his life. I was wondering though, would my partner have any right whatsoever to see them again? He is a big part of their lives, and they are a big part of his. If I were to pass away, would he lose his whole family? Would they lose him?
xandy - 3-Apr-17 @ 4:53 PM
continued from my post below.. we ended the call. Her mother then calls me saying i had told her partner "a pack of lies" i told her it was the truth but she is just as irrational as her daughter. They were both very abusive to me on the phone. I do not know what my ex has said to them but they have informed me that upon advice from social services, they have been instructed not to let the children stay at my house, and that i can only see the kids at their house with their supervision??? i have contacted social services only to be told that they can't give me any information other than to seek legal advice for access to my kids. I don't know what to do with my ex, i live in constant fear of her and its making my life unbearable? What dod i do? i just want to be there for my kids.
dave - 17-Feb-17 @ 8:30 PM
I am at the point where i can't deal with my ex anymore, the pressure and the strain of trying not to upset her so i can see my kids is wearing me out. Ever since my children have been born they have been used unfairly against me. At first when they were babies i couldn't deal the mental abuse i was constantly under and i am ashamed to say i pushed her once and i got arrested. No charges were pressed. After this she got very physical with me whenever we argued digging nails in to me, pulling my hair when ever she got angry with me. She would get hysterical in front of the kids every time so id had to leave. She would tell people i walk out on her and the kids, not explaining the reasons why i would have to leave. During this time i was isolated from my friends and family. i used to never charge my phone for fear of someone calling me, this would usually start a massive argument which would result in me not seeing my kids for weeks. I became very isolated with no one to talk to. We have been separated for 3 years and i have been able to have the kids at my house every weekend without fail and i paid her maintenance without fail for this whole period. i became unemployed last june and have since enrolled on an access course and i will hopefully be starting at university September. this has put a financial strain on her too as i simply cannot afford to pay the maintenance i have been paying. I have been struggling with time for my dog and my ex is always snooping into my business, she insisted on having the dog for me for a while and although i knew i shouldn't as this would lead to trouble i agreed. Now my ex has an apparent illness that causes her to be bed ridden with fatigue, i do not dispute that but i hear from friends and her own admission that she is in the pub every weekend.. i have no problem with this other than she is always ill when the kids are in her care, but she never uses the weekend (where she is miraculously never having a tired spell) to rest up for the kids to be in her care over the week. This means i am constantly being called over to play with and bath the kids and put them to bed, its a strain financially because they live 15 miles away and i do 3 to 4 trips a week. Back to the dog, i was called the other day to get the dog because she was tired which was fine, she also was being very abusive towards me over money. so as you can imagine when i got there i did not want to speak to her. when she tried to talk to me i told her this and she burst in to tears, i mean sobbing like she had learnt a relative had died. I asked if someone was coming over as she clearly could not look after the kids and she sobbed yes, so i left. 2 hours later i receive a call from my exes mothers boyfriend, i answered to a man asking me if i... "know who this is" in a very threatening way. i said yes i know and asked if he would like to meet up? he then submissively asked me what has been going on?... i explained, he apologised and we ended the c
dave - 17-Feb-17 @ 8:22 PM
Nojustice - Your Question:
Me and my ex have broken up to her being a junkie.did I know.no was I aware no.I was always told it was the vallium the doctor perscribed that was causing her to be unstable.falling asleep in her food etc.I made a complaint to social services so I could seek advice.eventually they intervened and started proceeding for help.that was 3 yrs ago.nothing changed as they are clueless to what really goes on my eyes have been opened to all the tricks they pull.even urine samples. Which she got from her son and her daughter.January 2017 mother was taken to hospital after drug overdose.they asked were the father was she told them she had no idea. But yet I was only 10 doors away on the same street !hey the social services believe everything she says to them.and yet I have no record of theft drugs violence.nothing but yet she has a huge history of all.and she has contact still with my son. She recently went to court again for shoplifting using my son in his pram to do her dirty deeds.so she could buy more smack.were do I stand.well let me tell.I stand on the sidelines hoping and praying that nothing happens to my son.while these so called teams of experts.carry on in this pity full game of there's to get paid every month.

Our Response:
Have you taken the matter to court? This is the route you will need to take if you wish to have access to your kids. Cafcass will get involved and a report will be written, then you will be able to have your say, please see link here.
SeparatedDads - 9-Feb-17 @ 11:41 AM
Me and my ex have broken up to her being a junkie.did I know .no was I aware no .I was always told it was the vallium the doctor perscribed that was causing her to be unstable .falling asleep in her food etc.I made a complaint to social services so I could seek advice .eventually they intervened and started proceeding for help .that was 3 yrs ago .nothing changed as they are clueless to what really goes on my eyes have been opened to all the tricks they pull.even urine samples. Which she got from her son and her daughter. .January 2017 mother was taken to hospital after drug overdose.they asked were the father was she told them she had no idea. But yet i was only 10 doors away on the same street !hey the social services believe everything she says to them .and yet i have no record of theft drugs violence .nothing but yet she has a huge history of all .and she has contact still with my son. She recently went to court again for shoplifting using my son in his pram to do her dirty deeds .so she could buy more smack .were do I stand .well let me tell .I stand on the sidelines hoping and praying that nothing happens to my son .while these so called teams of experts .carry on in this pity full game of there's to get paid every month.
Nojustice - 8-Feb-17 @ 3:22 PM
Miss them so much - Your Question:
I have 2 boys aged 1 and 2 me and my wife had a massive bust up 3 months ago I have apologised to her countless times I really do love her with all my heart she was the one but never mind that's life for you she couldn't put up with a few of my shortcomings and I would have forgiven her for trying kill me I haven't just lost my kids I lost my soul mate I found out that she never really loved me if she's happy hurting me so much then she could have never really loved me I have tried everything I know that makes me look even more needy but what else could I have done I kno in my heart she wants to divorce me and move on but she wants me to give her the divorce so she can save face we belong to the backward religion of Islam well I don't I'm an atheist so it's ok for her to fill my boys head up with ridiculous nonesense about flying horse and heaven and hell and I can't teach my kids about reason and logic and not believing ridiculous things which have been proven wrong many times she doesn't even text me wen I text to ask about the kids this woman who hates me the most at one time loved me the most how come it's ok when the lady falls out of love for no reason it just hurt she didn't even fight for me and I would have fought the whole world for her I don't know why I'm posting this I know what I need I need to become wealthy so then the laws of the court can be in my favour I'm just writing this to ease my pain slightly I have contacted my solicitor but it's such a long and unfair process

Our Response:
I am very sorry to hear this and you are not alone in feeling like this. First please see: Checklist: the Emotional Stages After Separation here and the rest of the 'emotional' pages in the series which should help you see that what you are feeling is natural. Our Separated Dads forum will help you further get advice from dads who have been through the same or similar issues and come out the other side here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 31-Jan-17 @ 3:03 PM
I have 2 boys aged 1 and 2 me and my wife had a massive bust up 3 months ago I have apologised to her countless times I really do love her with all my heart she was the one but never mind that's life for you she couldn't put up with a few of my shortcomings and I would have forgiven her for trying kill me I haven't just lost my kids I lost my soul mate I found out that she never really loved me if she's happy hurting me so much then she could have never really loved me I have tried everything I know that makes me look even more needy but what else could I have done I kno in my heart she wants to divorce me and move on but she wants me to give her the divorce so she can save face we belong to the backward religion of Islam well I don't I'm an atheist so it's ok for her to fill my boys head up with ridiculous nonesense about flying horse and heaven and hell and I can't teach my kids about reason and logic and not believing ridiculous things which have been proven wrong many times she doesn't even text me wen I text to ask about the kids this woman who hates me the most at one time loved me the most how come it's ok when the lady falls out of love for no reason it just hurt she didn't even fight for me and I would have fought the whole world for her I don't know why I'm posting this I know what I need I need to become wealthy so then the laws of the court can be in my favour I'm just writing this to ease my pain slightly I have contacted my solicitor but it's such a long and unfair process
Miss them so much - 31-Jan-17 @ 1:16 PM
CMatth - Your Question:
Hi, I need any help that anyone can give, I have 3 children with my ex wife, boys aged 17, 13 and 8. we share joint custody and I pay on time every week maintenance into her bank account. MY ex wife considers the 8 year old boy to still be the baby, she constantly calls him this and I feel she also mollycoddles him. Myself and my wife bought bikes for the 2 youngest and my stepson who's 14 for Christmas, we let my stepson and 13 year old son go where they wish on their bikes, however we let my 8 year old, under our supervision, ride his bike along a cycle path to the sea front near our house. After a few occasions where he knew we were watching him, he asked to go out on his own along the route that he had taken, we allowed him to and told him that we would trust him to go on his own, what he didn't know was that we would be keeping a eye on him out of his sight so that he thought he was alone, yet all the time we could see him. it was 1pm, he had on a helmet on, a bright jacket and his bike had lights on, we watched him across the one road he would have to cross to get to the cycle path. This cycle path is not anywhere near any roads. after dropping the boys back to their mum, she has refused to allow the 8 year old to come near me as she feels that I have put his safety at risk by allowing him to go out on his mountain bike, yet she is allowing my 13 year old to come over as normal, when I picked them up on Friday, she locked her front door and would not let me even speak to my 8 year old and this evening when I dropped my 13 year back, she again refused me access to my 8 year son. What I need to know is does she have any legal right to stop access when I have not done anything wrong, I have joint custody, have never missed any child maintenance payments and also have never missed any of my weekends that I am due to have the children.

Our Response:
Hopefully, this will blow over naturally as your ex's anger subsides. Plus, your eight-year-old will invariably want to see you and wonder why he is being punished, especially if the older siblings are allowed. However, if your ex decides to withhold access again, then I can only suggest you seek legal advice about taking the matter to either mediation or via court, please see link here. Sometimes a solicitor's letter outlining your rights may be suffice to get things back on track. If not, you would have to take the matter further.
SeparatedDads - 23-Jan-17 @ 2:32 PM
Hi, i need any help that anyone can give, I have 3 children with my ex wife, boys aged 17, 13 and 8. we share joint custody and I pay on time every week maintenance into her bank account. MY ex wife considers the 8 year old boy to still be the baby, she constantly calls him this and I feel she also mollycoddles him. Myself and my wife bought bikes for the 2 youngest and my stepson who's 14 for Christmas, we let my stepson and 13 year old son go where they wish on their bikes, however we let my 8 year old, under our supervision, ride his bike along a cycle path to the sea front near our house. After a few occasions where he knew we were watching him, he asked to go out on his own along the route that he had taken, we allowed him to and told him that we would trust him to go on his own, what he didn't know was that we would be keeping a eye on him out of his sight so that he thought he was alone, yet all the time we could see him. it was 1pm, he had on a helmet on, a bright jacket and his bike had lights on, we watched him across the one road he would have to cross to get to the cycle path. This cycle path is not anywhere near any roads. after dropping the boys back to their mum, she has refused to allow the 8 year old to come near me as she feels that I have put his safety at risk by allowing him to go out on his mountain bike,yet she is allowing my 13 year old to come over as normal, when I picked them up on Friday, she locked her front door and would not let me even speak to my 8 year old and this evening when I dropped my 13 year back, she again refused me access to my 8 year son. What I need to know is does she have any legal right to stop access when I have not done anything wrong, I have joint custody, have never missed any child maintenance payments and also have never missed any of my weekends that I am due to have the children.
CMatth - 22-Jan-17 @ 7:06 PM
Matt - Your Question:
HelloMy son is 5 and a half.My ex girlfriend is on drugs with her new partner.She contacted the CSA who wrote to me and I called them back straight away with all the information they requested.She has refused me access to see my son because of a maintainance issue. if the CSA are taking money from me then I can't afford to send her money that was agreed and pay twice. my son is suffering and I need a bit of help please. disgusting

Our Response:
Child maintenance and child access have no bearing on each other, meaning just because there is a child maintenance issue you should not be stopped from seeing your son. Please see link: When Your Ex-Partner Denies You Access, here which will advise further. I hope you manage to resolve this issue soon.
SeparatedDads - 10-Jan-17 @ 12:49 PM
Hello My son is 5 and a half. My ex girlfriend is on drugs with her new partner. She contacted the CSA who wrote to me and I called them back straight away with all the information they requested. She has refused me access to see my son because of a maintainance issue .. if the CSA are taking money from me then I can't afford to send her money that was agreed and pay twice .. my son is suffering and I need a bit of help please .. disgusting
Matt - 9-Jan-17 @ 6:52 PM
Lynzy - Your Question:
Advise needed please. We have a constant battle with my fiancè ex girlfriend. They have a son together and we see him 1 to 2 nights a week. When she allows us. He pays his maintenance every week. However he recently became redundant and therefore didn have the income to pay his maintenance let alone bills. She is saying he needs to back date it but how can he when he wasnt earning an income. We ourselves have 2 children and have been on the Gov website which states now our second child is here her maintenance will go down. Is this correct? They made a maintenance agreement between themselves and he has never broken it only when he wasnt working and paid her £1 a week to keep her bank details for when he was working again. She is abusive and a nasty person in general. She stops us seeing him all the time more so when my fiancè is ou of work because she doesnt get money. Do we have any rights to have him stay with us longer periods of time as my fiance is on the birth certificate?

Our Response:
Firstly, child maintenance and whether your fiancè can see his child are not connected (meaning his ex cannot use the fact your partner is not paying child maintenance to stop access). If this is the case, your fiancè can apply for a C100 contact order through the courts. With regards to whether your fiancè should be paying child maintenance; if he was paying child maintenance through Child Maintenance Services, then the answer would be no, as child maintenance is based upon the non-resident parent's earnings and if he is no longer earning, then he would be seen as exempt. However, if he has a family-based arrangement then it would be up to your fiancè and his ex to decide between them. When your fiancè was earning and if he paid through the CMS, then your second child would be taken into consideration and payments adjusted accordingly. The best way to see what your fiancè should be paying (or should be paying if he was earning) is via the CMS calculator here. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 4-Jan-17 @ 11:11 AM
Advise needed please. We have a constant battle with my fiancè ex girlfriend. They have a son together and we see him 1 to 2 nights a week. When she allows us. He pays his maintenance every week. However he recently became redundant and therefore didn have the income to pay his maintenance let alone bills. She is saying he needs to back date it but how can he when he wasnt earning an income. We ourselves have 2 children and have been on the Gov website which states now our second child is here her maintenance will go down. Is this correct? They made a maintenance agreement between themselves and he has never broken it only when he wasnt working and paid her £1 a week to keep her bank details for when he was working again. She is abusive and a nasty person in general. She stops us seeing him all the time more so when my fiancè is ou of work because she doesnt get money. Do we have any rights to have him stay with us longer periods of time as my fiance is on the birth certificate?
Lynzy - 3-Jan-17 @ 12:46 PM
BB - Your Question:
Please I need help, I have not seen my daughter over 2 years. My ex-wife took my daughter away and I never heard from them. I could not do anything because I had to leave the country because my visa expired. I filed for divorce back in the country we got married and got divorced. I am back in the uk now with my new partner and I do want to know the steps to take to get rights to see my daughter.I was able to trace where she lives now but I want to know the necessary steps to take so I dont lose both ways.PLEASE HELP!!!!

Our Response:
You would have to apply to the courts for a C100 contact order, please see link here . If you cannot trace your children, you can also fill in a C4 form which is an application for an order for disclosure of a child's whereabouts and the courts will put a trace on your children, so you can apply for access.
SeparatedDads - 14-Dec-16 @ 2:15 PM
aud- Your Question:
Hi My partner has 2 girls from his relationship prior to me, she hates me as blames me for relationship breakdown even though it was over before we got together, my partner initially could see his kids whenever he wanted, now she us stopping him unless he ends it with me or very least I am kept away from his kids, which will be difficult soon as moving in together as he currently stays with his mum and dad, I am good person, good job with a child of my own, she is also harassing me at work and spreading gossip about me around the town I work in which is where she stays, my partner is withholding the £100 plus he normally gives her per month and putting aside until he gets to see his kids again.Any advice on how we go forward would be great?

Our Response:
If your partner's ex is denying him access, then he should firstly suggest mediation to his ex in order to try and resolve the matter informally and if she refuses, your partner would have to apply to court via a C100 contact form, please see gov.uk link here. In addition he could bolt on a Specific Issue Order, please see link here. This would address the issue of his ex refusing you contact with your partner's children. The court will always decide what it thinks is in the best interests of the children and if there is no concrete reason why both he or you should be denied contact to his children, then the court will award him the order which his ex would have to adhere to. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 13-Dec-16 @ 11:11 AM
Hi My partner has 2 girls from his relationship prior to me, she hates me as blames me for relationship breakdown even though it was over before we got together, my partner initially could see his kids wheneverhe wanted, now she us stopping him unless he ends it with me or very least I am kept away from his kids, which will be difficult soon as moving in together as he currently stays with his mum and dad, I am good person, good job with a child of my own, she is also harassing me at work and spreading gossip about me around the town I work in which is where she stays, my partner is withholding the £100 plus he normally gives her per month and putting aside until he gets to see his kids again. Any advice on how we go forward would be great?
aud - 12-Dec-16 @ 11:08 AM
Please i need help, i have not seen my daughter over 2 years. My ex-wife took my daughter away and i never heard from them. I could not do anything because i had to leave the country because my visa expired. I filed for divorce back in the country we got married and got divorced. i am back in the uk now with my new partner and i do want to know the steps to take to get rights to see my daughter. I was able to trace where she lives now but i want to know the necessary steps to take so i dont lose both ways. PLEASE HELP!!!!
BB - 9-Dec-16 @ 6:58 PM
Concerned.parent - Your Question:
Hi, I'm looking for a little advice please. My husband has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has not seen or spoke to for almost 3 years. Due to financial difficulties (his daughter living a distance away) he was only able to see his daughter approx 10 times during 2012-2013. Previous to this, following their split when the child was 1, he had contact with his daughter every other weekend. At this time he was financially stable with a car. In early 2014 he got a car and tried to make arrangements to have regular contact with his daughter. Unfortunately he was advised his daughter doesnt want to see him and refused to speak to him on the phone. We tried mediation in October 2014 but this was unsuccessful as his daughter did not want to attend. Almost 3 years since he last spoke to her she is still adamant she doesn't want him, our 6 year old son or any of his family in her life. His ex partner always made contact as difficult as she could, especially as she would refuse to bring their daughter to her father (even offering to pay fuel) or bring her to our house on the train. Obviously their relationship was deteriorating and he hoped this would all change when he had transport. She doesn't respond to emails or letters and he isn't allowed any photos of her. She makes sure she still takes £180 a month in maintenance though! Please please can anyone help. If we take her to court will they deny his access if his daughter says she doesn't want to see him?

Our Response:
I'm afraid a court will take the opinion of an 11-year-old on board if his daughter says she does not wish to see your husband. Also, child access and child maintenance have no bearing on each other, meaning your husband may not have access but he is still legally responsible for supporting his child until she finishes education.
SeparatedDads - 16-Nov-16 @ 12:09 PM
Hi, I'm looking for a little advice please. My husband has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has not seen or spoke to for almost 3 years. Due to financial difficulties (his daughter living a distance away) he was only able to see his daughter approx 10 times during 2012-2013. Previous to this, following their split when the child was 1, he had contact with his daughter every other weekend. At this time he was financially stable with a car. In early 2014 he got a car and tried to make arrangements to have regular contact with his daughter. Unfortunately he was advised his daughter doesnt want to see him and refused to speak to him on the phone. We tried mediation in October 2014 but this was unsuccessful as his daughter did not want to attend. Almost 3 years since he last spoke to her she is still adamant she doesn't want him, our 6 year old son or any of his family in her life. His ex partner always made contact as difficult as she could, especially as she would refuse to bring their daughter to her father (even offering to pay fuel) or bring her to our house on the train. Obviously their relationship was deteriorating and he hoped this would all change when he had transport. She doesn't respond to emails or letters and he isn't allowed any photos of her. She makes sure she still takes £180 a month in maintenance though! Please please can anyone help. If we take her to court will they deny his access if his daughter says she doesn't want to see him?
Concerned.parent - 15-Nov-16 @ 1:45 PM
tonytwist - Your Question:
Good afternoon,I am the non-custodial parent of a 10 year old girl and I have been divorced for three years. My daughter spends every other weekend with me as well as three weeks during the summer break. Holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are split evenly between her mother and I. This arrangement is not something I was content with but I reluctantly agreed to it at the time so that I could see my daughter. I had fallen into a deep depression when my marriage fell apart and my ex-wife withheld my daughter from me until I signed the agreement on her terms. This is something I've regretted for the last three years.I would like to have the agreement amended such that I can have more time with my daughter. Specifically in the form of a quick phone call mid week leading up to the weekend that she spends with her mother as well as splitting the summer break equally between her mother and I. I have tried to engage my ex-wife in discussion about these proposed changes in the past but was told it would disrupt my daughter's "routine". This was just her way of saying no. I miss my daughter immensely and am not sure where to go from hereon out. I don't have the money that it would cost for an appeal and she has refused mediation. What course of action can I take next?

Our Response:
If you are based in the UK, then if the agreement was made through mediation, then you would have to suggest mediation again, or apply through the courts for extra access to your daughter. However, this can be emotionally stressful and might possibly upset the current arrangement, until the matter was decided in court. If your original access arrangement was decided through a court order, you would have to give specific reasons in order to take the matter back to court to apply for a variation. If this is a route you may wish to pursue, I suggest you seek legal advice. Once your daughter reaches the age of 11, her own opinion will be considered more seriously, if the matter goes to court. However, the access you have currently is considered the 'norm' - so court may be too extreme a leap, especially as it could backfire. If you are based outside the UK, then family law is different in each country and we only have knowledge of UK-based family law. I'm afraid, I haven't really given you much of an answer, but there isn't really one - as although you feel the access isn't enough, it is not as though your ex is denying you reasonable contact. Therefore, you would have to weigh up whether it is worth the possible emotional upset, yourself.
SeparatedDads - 10-Nov-16 @ 2:10 PM
Good afternoon, I am the non-custodial parent of a 10 year old girl and I have been divorced for three years. My daughter spends every other weekend with me as well as three weeks during the summer break. Holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are split evenly between her mother and I. This arrangement is not something I was content with but I reluctantly agreed to it at the time so that I could see my daughter. I had fallen into a deep depression when my marriage fell apart and my ex-wife withheld my daughter from me until I signed the agreement on her terms. This is something I've regretted for the last three years. I would like to have the agreement amended such that I can have more time with my daughter. Specifically in the form of a quick phone call mid week leading up to the weekend that she spends with her mother as well as splitting the summer break equally between her mother and I. I have tried to engage my ex-wife in discussion about these proposed changes in the past but was told it would disrupt my daughter's "routine". This was just her way of saying no. I miss my daughter immensely and am not sure where to go from hereon out. I don't have the money that it would cost for an appeal and she has refused mediation. What course of action can I take next?
tonytwist - 9-Nov-16 @ 8:17 PM
Rach- Your Question:
Hi all I'd love some advice please. I'm currently fighting with my ex to get him to actually see our children. He broke up with me 4 months ago completely out of the blue, I've been through all the motions, crying frantic texts begging pleading etc. He still hasn't seen out children every time I ask there is some different excuse, got plans work ect. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to send 1 message a week to ask how they are (he lives 5mins away) I sometimes may go a little crazy when he sends these messages but seriously who can blame me, I had this perfect life with my partner and 3 children then boom he's gone. I'm certain there is no one else involved. He does have some health worried which he is getting treatment for. Please help I don't know what to do. I would love to resolve this whole situation with him and be a family again because despite all he has put me and my kids through I love him. Half of the time he ignores the messages I send to him. Do I start treating him the same and ignor him and let him really see what he's missing, what's he's likely to loose? I know that may come across as childish but I'm honestly at my wits end. I've tried been nice, been mean I've even told him to bog off and he can't see the kids to which he responded that he wants to see the kids and will start seeing them, that's was 3 weeks ago and he's still not seen them or made any arrangements to see them. Would love a fathers advice on this one.

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. However, we can give you no real answer as every person reacts and responds to situations differently. While I can understand your frustration, it may be that he is sitting back and waiting until you calm down a little as if he approaches you he doesn't know which side of your personality he may get. Bombarding him with messages is never a good idea, and neither is game-playing and strategising in order to affect a response. Being honest, open and rational and trying not to accuse, blame or blackmail is the best approach. Some time out for both of you will help you realise what it is you really want. You could suggest a weekly/fortnightly meeting where you both try and sort out the practical side, plus access to the children. This may help and in turn you may both slowly begin to talk about yourselves and the effects of the separation. In between that communication should be limited/or non-existant to allow you both time to reflect and think. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 31-Oct-16 @ 11:15 AM
Hi all I'd love some advice please. I'm currently fighting with my ex to get him to actually see our children. He broke up with me 4 months ago completely out of the blue, I've been through all the motions, crying frantic texts begging pleading etc. He still hasn't seen out children every time I ask there is some different excuse, got plans work ect. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to send 1 message a week to ask how they are (he lives 5mins away) I sometimes may go a little crazy when he sends these messages but seriously who can blame me, I had this perfect life with my partner and 3 children then boom he's gone. I'm certain there is no one else involved. He does havesome health worried which he is getting treatment for. Please help I don't know what to do. I would love to resolve this whole situation with him and be a family again because despite all he has put me and my kids through I love him. Half of the time he ignores the messages I send to him. Do I start treating him the same and ignor him and let him really see what he's missing, what's he's likely to loose? I know that may come across as childish but I'm honestly at my wits end. I've tried been nice, been mean I've even told him to bog off and he can't see the kids to which he responded that he wants to see the kids and will start seeing them, that's was 3 weeks ago and he's still not seen them or made any arrangements to see them. Would love a fathers advice on this one.
Rach - 30-Oct-16 @ 12:26 PM
3 years of hell going around in circles. I've lost half of my daughters life . Still I'm not allowed to see her . One rule for one and different for her . My devorce says I could not be expected to stay with her . Her behaviour was so bad
Bang on - 22-Oct-16 @ 6:51 AM
My boys are with the mom I guest because I was Went to work and when I arrived she left with boys I really don't know what happen everything seems good .but seeing this is guess it wasn't.I made a report haven't got no answers .can't get my boys certicate because I made the report and still the investigator having gave me any solution tours this case and I havenever sleptlooking for them .
Mari - 15-Oct-16 @ 3:22 AM
sleepless dad - Your Question:
I'm a father of sixteen kids and I'll like help to meet all my children and some mom's don't have a problem for me to meet my kids but I don't know what to do.

Our Response:
You would have to contact the mums directly and make arrangement with the mums that are obliging. For the others, your only option would be to suggest mediation, or take the matter to court.
SeparatedDads - 14-Oct-16 @ 2:27 PM
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